The Art of Listening: I Can’t Hear You!

The ability to listen is thought to be one of the major components of a good relationship. Whether you want to be a good parent, good partner, a good boss, a good friend or a good colleague, listening skills are your best relationship investment.

It is not as easy to listen as we might think. The common misconception is that listening is just passively lending your ear to someone. It is not. In order to be effective, listening has to be a lot more active than that.

Research suggests that men and women think different about listening. Listening cues like nodding, saying “yes”, “mmmm”, “uh huh” are interpreted differently by each gender. Men think they are an indication that someone agrees with them, while women think that they indicate how involved the listener is. So when women don not hear these cue, they think the man is not listen. When men hear these cue, they think the woman agrees with them.

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Self Regulation: Research

In my last post I wrote about the difference between parents who try to control their kids and those who are self controlled. It all depends on the “self regulation muscle”, which has three levels of strength: weak, medium and strong.

This week, I would like to share some research on self regulation that might help you on your parenting adventure. It may even help prevent conflict and disagreement in your other relationships.

Remember, it is called “self” regulation for a reason. It is not something you can do to someone else. You have to do it for yourself. This is what most parents do not understand. They try to enforce regulations, but they are an external force so it does not work as well.

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I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Being a “You’re OK” Parent

In order to convince children that they are OK and good, a parent first needs to know that they are OK and good. Psychologist Thomas A. Harris. suggested four levels of emotional intelligence, that provide a framework for positive parenting. To read about the four levels, see “I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: OK and EQ”. In an ideal world, parents would always be in an “I’m OK, You’re OK” state of mind. For this, for the parents must agree with the “I’m OK” part – they must first believe that they are OK. Once this is established, it is time to work on the “You’re OK” mindset.

Little boy and girl huggingLike a self-fulfilling prophecy, parents who see the good in themselves and their kids tend to raise kids who see the good in themselves as well. This is a great cycle. By taking care of ourselves, we ensure our children and their children know they are good and “OK”. This mindset can impact for many years even after we are gone.

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I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Being an “I’m OK” Parent

In an ideal world, we would all like to be in an “I’m OK, You’re OK” state of mind all the time. People in this state are confident in themselves. They know they always do the best they can, and so does everyone else. Unfortunately, it is not always easy. Life has its own agenda and things do not always happen the way we want them to.

In parenting, circumstances make us shift from one emotional position to another. Our aim should always be to keep an “I’m OK – You’re OK” parenting style as much as possible. We may find ourselves straying to other styles, but the idea is to snap back as fast as possible.

In parent coaching we have many techniques for helping parents shift to an I’m OK, you’re OK mode. They all start by making sure parents think of themselves as “OK” first. When you are on a plane, the safety demonstration always tells you that when the oxygen mask is released, you should always put the mask on yourself first before helping your child. It works the same here. Before we can help our kids think they are OK, first we need to recognize that we are good and OK!

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I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: OK and EQ

In my workshops “Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids”, we discuss many aspect of parenting. One of the main topics parents bring up is that it is not easy to being a parent. I have 3 kids of my own, whose ages spread over 13 years, and I know that parenthood can be challenging.

One of the best tips I can give parents is to shift to an “I’m OK-You’re OK” parenting framework. I came across this framework over 30 years ago, in a tiny little book. I was studying at the time and was fascinated by the simplicity of it. Later on, when I started teaching kids, I adopted this mindset. It allowed me help them so much that when I had my own kids, I adopted an “I’m OK-You’re OK” parenting style. It worked like magic for me and I would like to share it with you.

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What Are You Worth?

Many of the people who come to the Be Happy in LIFE coaching program reveal that they have issues with their self-worth. They do not always appreciate themselves and what they have. It is up to me to shift their focus towards the great things they have in their lives or how capable they are.

Self-worth can be damaged when we face difficulties and “failures”. I put failures in quotation marks because I think every “failure” is an opportunity in disguise. I did not always think like this so I understand how hard it is for my clients to recognize it. When things do not work out the way we expect them to, they create doubt. Doubt is very debilitating.

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Know Your Partner: Parenting

If you are familiar with this blog, you know that parenting is one of our key topics and that is why it is important to discuss parenting when you get to know your partner. This is the final installment of Know Your Partner, a series of posts to help you get to know your partner, and today’s post is about parenting.

You may find that you need to ask many questions that are not cover here. Also, keep in mind that people’s opinions about parenthood are often not fully formed yet. If you have never been a parent, you don’t know what you don’t know.

In this case, parenting is like a discovery zone – you pave the path while walking it. Focus instead on attitudes you think will benefit you or may become an obstacle in your relationships. If attitudes are an obstacle, do not worry. It is possible to change them. It is just good to know what they are at the start, so you can make an educated decision about whether to go into this relationship or not.

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National Teacher Appreciation Day

National Teacher Appreciation Day was this week on May 7 2013. This is a wonderful idea. Teachers deserve much more appreciation than they currently receive.

Teaching and education are the tool and the outcome in a student’s life. Much like the artist uses a brush to paint. The teacher is the artist, teaching is the brush and education is the finished canvas.

Teaching has been my journey for the last 27 years. I am not a school teacher any more but I still consider myself an educator. I teach, I coach, I present, I motivate, I do public speaking, I write, I do community work and in all those things I educate kids and grownups to find the gift they have inside let it shine.

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Know Your Partner: Appearance, Work, Money and Health

Welcome to the third installment of “Know Your Partner”. In this series war are talking about questions you and your partner should discuss before you move in together, get married or have kids. These questions will help you find your partner’s “musts”. To read more about “musts”, check out Know Your Partner: Musts. In the last post in the series, we listed questions about relationships, every day life, family background and friends. This post covers questions about appearance, work, money and health.

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Parenting By Example

Even though this video was about how cute animals are, I could not help thinking how wonderful the big dog was at encouraging the little puppy to try something it thought was too hard. It did not bark, it did not push, it did not show disappointment. It simply let by example. It did not give up when it did not work the first time, or even the first three ties. It kept doing it again and again, until the puppy was confident enough to try it for himself.

Parenting is the same. When we want our kids to do things that they are afraid to do, we need to show them how we do it. Again and again. Without shouting, telling them they are small and unable, calling them names or showing disappointment. We do not even need to push them to do the things they cannot do, do not want to do, or are afraid to do. We need to lead by example. Again and again. Until our kids are confident enough to do it themselves.

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