Family MattersPractical Parenting Blog

Choice Theory: Happy Parenting

You have a choice
This entry is part 3 of 6 in the series Choice Theory

In the previous chapter of the choice theory, I explained the controlling and connecting habits—the caring or deadly habits based on William Glasser. In his theory, Glasser explained many of our behaviors as a choice. There are basic beliefs in his theory that all therapies are based on.

Based on Glasser, when we behave, it is a mix of action, thinking, feeling, and physiology. He called it “total behavior,” as they appear in different degrees and in combination.

He very much focused on taking responsibility in order to gain control and it is quite relevant to parenting.

Read Choice Theory: Happy Parenting »

I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: “I’m OK” Beliefs

3 children resting
This entry is part 7 of 7 in the series I'm OK - You're OK Parenting

This is the last installment in the “I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting” series. To wrap up, I want to share some beliefs that have helped me as a parent, and also many of my clients, to adopt an I’m OK, You’re OK parenting mentality.

The best way to overcome guilt and shame is to adopt beliefs that strengthen our view of ourselves as OK (I’m OK) and of others as OK (You’re OK) – The I’m OK, You’re OK mindset. There are many ways to identify whether you are in another frame of mind. For example, If you are upset, or disappointed, if you lecture your kids, or want them to do something they do not want to do, if you are threatening them, punishing them, shouting at them or if you want to teach them a lesson, if you shame them, use name calling, or ridicule them, and if you think life needs to go your way “or else”, this generally means you are not in the I’m OK, You’re OK mode. This means your child is also learning this mindset and will most likely not be in the I’m OK, You’re OK mode either.

Read I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: “I’m OK” Beliefs »

Choice Theory: Happy Relationships

Heart-shaped maze
This entry is part 2 of 6 in the series Choice Theory

The choice theory, founded by William Glasser, suggests that all our actions are chosen and driven by the five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.

In relationships, our needNeed for love and belonging for love and belonging is the most important one. Based on Glasser, satisfying this specific need will guarantee our ability to fulfill all other needs. The source of all problems in the world, according to the choice theory, is disconnection. Behavior problems, mental illnesses, violence, abuse, crime, school problems, marriage breakdown, relationship challenges, and depression are all a result of our inability to connect or feel love and have a sense of belonging.

Our relationship with those we care about and care for us depends on our caring ability. Glasser suggested that there are 7 deadly habits that needed to be replaced with 7 caring habits.

Read Choice Theory: Happy Relationships »

Choice Theory: Be Happy in Life

Dr. William Glasser’s 5 Basic Needs
This entry is part 1 of 6 in the series Choice Theory

Dr. William Glasser is an American psychiatrist who developed the Reality Theory, which later on became known as the Choice Theory. In the seventies, Glasser’s work was not highly accepted by his colleagues.

While others thought that human behavior is affected by external sources, Glasser believed in personal choice, personal responsibility, and personal transformation. While others considered certain behaviors as mental disorders and prescribed medication for these, Glasser believed in the education and empowerment of his clients to change their choices. He applied his theories on education, management, and marriage.

The Choice Theory states that a person’s behavior is inspired by what that person wants or needs at that particular time, not an outside stimulus. Glasser thought all living creatures control their behavior to fulfill their need for satisfaction in one or more of these five areas:

Read Choice Theory: Be Happy in Life »

I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Guilt

Shadow of parent point down at sitting child
This entry is part 3 of 7 in the series I'm OK - You're OK Parenting

Guilt and shame are siblings in the family of feelings. Despite certain similarities, there is a clear distinction between them. Guilt is feeling bad about something you have done, while shame is feeling bad about who you are or a part of you. One is about behavior and can be changed. The other is related to your sense of identity and therefore harder to change.

In the ever evolving phases of parenting styles, the shift from physical punishment to shame was intended to use guilt more effectively than before, in the hope that it would teach children how to behave when their parents were not there. A bit like a GPS. Parents decided “guilt” was better than smacking because it worked even when mom and dad were not there. The purpose was still to monitor and control emotionally, but with good intentions; to create lasting discipline.

Read I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Guilt »

I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Shame

Big communist hand pointing finger at man with bowed head
This entry is part 2 of 7 in the series I'm OK - You're OK Parenting

It is not easy to parent when our young kids just do not do what we want them to do. It was once popular to physically punish children for not doing what they are told. It was believed that if pain was associated with not doing what you are told, children would immediately obey.

This strategy was only useful for figures in authority (like parents and teachers). Unfortunately, it did not provide the desired outcome. Children simply learned not to get caught. If an authority figure disappeared or lost their power, the subject would revenge, big time.

After parents, there are authority figures like teachers, bosses, and managers who used shame as an alternative to physical punishment. It was a way to punish through emotional pain, without the physical pain. This seemed to work but the side effects can be severe.

Read I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Shame »

Raising Kids and Bamboo Trees

Bamboos by a window

Parents are often frustrated with their kids and/or with their own parenting. I coach many such parents and they express a lot of frustration. You cannot blame anyone else for the way your kids turn out and raising children is not easy, so it is not surprising that parents become frustrated. I have the most wonderful kids but they did not grow up exactly the way I expected them to. No matter how much you learn or how much you know, they will come out different to what you imagine.

This is because we are different people when we give birth to them than when we imagined them. They are born to time that is different to what we grew up with.

Patience is one of the necessary skills in the parenting job description. Sadly, no one can tell jut exactly how much patience they need until they are put to the test. They then have to find it within them.

Raising kids is similar to raising bamboo trees. Here is a story I heard called the Bamboo Tale.

Read Raising Kids and Bamboo Trees »

Teaching & Education Beliefs: Use Your Power

Book: Teachers are people
This entry is part 3 of 6 in the series Teaching & Education Beliefs

Here are 20 more of my top 100 beliefs about teaching and education:

1. Teaching is the business of manipulating students to think they are smart, wonderful, talented, pretty, successful, happy, healthy and wealthy. Whether we like it or not, us teachers have a lot of power over what our students think about themselves. Do not feel guilty. It is part of the job description. Just be sure to use this power wisely.

2. When I am upset with my students I think of them as the cutest babies. My anger dissolves.

Read Teaching & Education Beliefs: Use Your Power »

National Teacher Appreciation Day

National Teacher Appreciation Day was this week on May 7 2013. This is a wonderful idea. Teachers deserve much more appreciation than they currently receive.

Teaching and education are the tool and the outcome in a student’s life. Much like the artist uses a brush to paint. The teacher is the artist, teaching is the brush and education is the finished canvas.

Teaching has been my journey for the last 27 years. I am not a school teacher any more but I still consider myself an educator. I teach, I coach, I present, I motivate, I do public speaking, I write, I do community work and in all those things I educate kids and grownups to find the gift they have inside let it shine.

Read National Teacher Appreciation Day »

Know Your Partner: Appearance, Work, Money and Health

This entry is part 3 of 8 in the series Know Your Partner

Welcome to the third installment of “Know Your Partner”. In this series war are talking about questions you and your partner should discuss before you move in together, get married or have kids. These questions will help you find your partner’s “musts”. To read more about “musts”, check out Know Your Partner: Musts. In the last post in the series, we listed questions about relationships, every day life, family background and friends. This post covers questions about appearance, work, money and health.

Read Know Your Partner: Appearance, Work, Money and Health »

Get Happiness by Email

Sign up to receive posts by email and get my free mini-course Seven Emails with Seven Secrets for Seven Weeks to boost your personal development




    Join Us on Social Media

    Books by Ronit Baras

    Be Happy in LIFE logo
    Book your private life coaching with Ronit Baras and learn how to be happy in life

    Girl speaking at student leadership programLeaders are not born. They are made. Bring this Student Leadership Program to your primary school or high school and you will create a community of empowered, inspired student leaders, parents and teachers.