Family Matters

Posts Tagged ‘separation’

Marriage, like other relationships, requires two people with a special connection between them. There are many reasons why marriages do not last long and one of the reasons is falling into the “right” trap.

When I see couples during their relationship coaching program, the “right” trap is always there. It is not always spoken, but it underlies a lot of the conflicts. One of the partners or both of them have a strong feeling about their “rightfulness” and they cannot let it go. The problem is not just thinking that they are right, but believing the “right thing” exists, because when they sort out the first conflict by putting pressure and giving up, they get a confirmation of their “rightness” and they expect the next time to be the same – one is right and the other one gives up – a recipe for disaster.

Mira and Chris came for relationship coaching because Mira was convinced she was right and Chris was wrong. It happens a lot that one person does the booking and it sounds like this:

“Chris, why are you here?”

“Mira asked me to come”.

It was a very honest answer and it helped me find out who was seeing themselves as the “right” one in that relationship.

“OK, Mira, so why are you here?”

“I need you to explain to Chris…”

I knew that was another “right” trap.

First, I need to explain that our relationship coaching program is not mediation. It is meant to help the couple find their strengths and use them to renew their love and build their relationship on a mature and respectful foundation. If you want to get help in your relationship so the therapist can tell your partner he/she is wrong, you are trapped.

“Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of society: if we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, we strengthen the children and we strengthen the community. If your goal is to help improve the world, marriage is as good a place as any to start” – Diane Sollee, Grand Rapids Family Summit, 1998.

In part 1 of Save Your Marriage, I gave you 3 simple steps to stop your divorce and save your marriage. This week, I thought some statistics regarding marriage and divorce would give you all an insight into what is happening in the reality of relationships.

Eye-opening marriage and divorce statistics:

As a daughter to parents who are still married and a long-time partner to my beloved boyfriend, I was very surprised to read some of the statistics about marriage and divorce. Yes, I have many clients thinking of divorce, but when they come for coaching, they are in “solution mode”, which makes it easier for them to find their love again.

I believe the marriage situation has reached a level of social disaster.

This week, I went to my young daughter’s school with a group of other mothers to celebrate the teacher’s wedding. On the card from all the families in the class, I wrote “Happy wedding day”, but I did not think it was the right blessing. You see, my wedding day was not a happy day at all (too much family politics), but it did not change the fact that Gal and I have been together for over 27 years and are still very much in love. In my head, a happy wedding day is no guarantee for a happy marriage and I am sad for it. I would certainly like it to be a sign for the years to come, but it is not.

“I am invited to my ex-boyfriend’s wedding and I have to go. Do you have good tips to handle the situation?”

If you no longer have feelings for him – cool! Go have fun at his wedding. But I guess since you have asked the question, you do have feelings for him…

This is the story of Mike and how he turned his marriage around. Mike lived in a world of absolutes, where he was constantly disappointed, but learned how to let go and do what works. Within a short time, Mike changed his life completely, freeing himself from the bondage of his own standards of living, and found empowerment and love.

So why not calculate how much money is dedicated to families who divorce – support for double accommodations, child benefits, single parent support, educational support for children in divorced families and (mental) health support for parents and children due to divorce. Then, give couples bonuses for their anniversary, taking into account the length of their marriage and the age and number of children they have (something like a “second honeymoon” bonus would be nice). These bonuses can be great motivators for people to work on their relationship and people can use them to address some of the reasons for divorce – learn stress management, communication skills, intimacy and conflict resolution, or just reduce financial difficulties and treat emotional problems.