Facts vs. Meaning in Marriage

In “Save Your Marriage (part 6)”, I described a common communication problem couples have (the story about the jack). Today, I will outline 10 ways you can get things wrong in any relationship. I hope you will be able to recognize yourself in some of them and find ways to work on that miscommunication. Remember, it is just miscommunication and there is no need to give up something as special as your marriage because of something that can be fixed so easily.

Many arguments start from a simple misunderstanding of the meaning of what one or the other has said. Many times, one party will give a meaning to something the other one has said that was actually not the intended meaning at all. So if you think about it, if it is you who attaches the wrong meaning to your partner’s words or actions, then when you argue, in a sense, you argue with yourself.

A study of expert communicators has found that in any given interaction, we have a tendency to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. The study has found that in any communication, we:

1. Interpret
2. Distort
3. Delete

We change the information we receive subconsciously by the interplay of our beliefs, values and rules that we already have in our heads. Thus our emotions can alter the interpretation of any message sent our way. If we are afraid of something, we tend to think the messenger was aggressive. If we feel confused, we tend to think the messenger was unclear with his or her message. If some information is missing, the way we fill in the gaps can be very subtle but may have a very strong impact.

Read Facts vs. Meaning in Marriage »

More About Self Talk

Two weeks ago, in part 6 of “Save Your Marriage”, I explained the influence of negative self-talk on relationships. Last week, in part 7, I gave an example of Sally talking to herself about her frustrations regarding her weight. In every relationship, when people talk to themselves about their problem with others in a negative way, things can easily be blown out of proportion.

Self-talk is a natural way of dealing with what happens to us in life and it is typical for men and women alike. It is when the self-talk turns all dark that things start going wrong.

This week, I want to let you in on Allan’s self-talk when planning to hang out with the guys.

Hanging out with the guys

Sally packed her bag and rushed to pick up the kids from music school. The phone rang and Dave was on the other end of the line.

“Hi Sally, I can’t get hold of Allan. Is he home already?”

“No”, said Sally, “He has a meeting till 6”.

“Can you please let him know we are planning to hang out with the guys on Friday?”

“Sure”, said Sally and hurried to her car. The thought of not having to cook on Friday was pleasing. She could take the kids out for a pizza, she thought happily.

Marriage and Self Talk

In “Save your marriage (part 6) – How to get things wrong”, I explained how negative self-talk becomes an obstacle in a marriage.

Although the story about the Jack was about a man, self-talk is typical for men and women alike. In this post, I give you two examples of such imaginary scenarios that can lead to relationship breakdown. I hope that you will be able to recognize yourself in them, learn to “catch yourself in the act”, and switch to positive self-talk and open communication with your partner.

Going Out for a Romantic Dinner

Allan called home from work and invited Sally to a restaurant for dinner. They had discussed this some time before and had both agreed they needed some time out, to refresh and renew the romance between them. Allan invited the babysitter, booked the restaurant and there was nothing Sally had to do but dress for the occasion.

Read Marriage and Self Talk »

How to Get Things Wrong in a Marriage

One typical topic appearing in each couples’ counseling or coaching session is the lack of communication between them. It is not that they do not talk. They do, but they talk to themselves in a never-ending self-talk that happens to be negative.

One theory about the reason for marriage breakdown is that one or two of the married couple seem to be trapped in a conversation, in which they talk and they answer on behalf of their partner. In this conversation, their partner is critical and demanding, which makes them treat them with anger later on. When I ask them about their communication, they are very surprised to discover they never actually had these conversations with the other person.

Self-talk is a natural emotional outlet for people. Self-talk is the internal conversation a person has with himself or herself. It is the way to verbalize a person’s thoughts. Self-talk is a good way to handle stressful situations. When they are too overwhelming, people talk to themselves to find ways to handle the situation. They tell themselves the problem is not that big, they tell themselves they have solutions, they tell themselves things that will encourage them to “survive” the situation. Self-talk can be very helpful.

The problem in every relationship appears when the thoughts are negative and later on, the attitude towards the partner can be hostile and negative. People fearing a reaction may tell themselves things on behalf of their partner and react to them as if they have already happened.

Negative self-talk gives freedom to many feelings that do not support marriage like fear, jealousy, anger, frustration and even hate. Such feelings are fertile soil for divorce. It is impossible to find a divorcing couple having feelings of joy, happiness, love or satisfaction. In many cases after divorce, it takes years for people to awaken such feelings.

Read How to Get Things Wrong in a Marriage »

Tess Buys a Miracle for a Dollar and Eleven Cents

There is a wonderful story of a young girl who believed in miracles. I thought it was a good idea to bring it here so you can read it too and be inspired.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about my experience with a group of 3-year-olds. I managed to convince them (it wasn’t a hard work at all and it was a lot of fun) that they had magic in their little hands. It was magic that from that moment on, those young kids used their small hands to comfort each other and felt very powerful.

I remember a childhood story about a teacher who wanted to make her young students happy by planting a “bubble gum bush”. She planted some bubble gum wrappers with the kids and when they came two weeks after, they found a small bush with bubble gum hanging from its branches.

Read Tess Buys a Miracle for a Dollar and Eleven Cents »

Do Unto Others What Works

The quote “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is widely used by people as a “rule of thumb” for treating others. I must have heard it spoken to kids by their parents hundreds of times in different settings. But I am here to tell you that this way of thinking can get you into all kinds of strife and that if you review your relationships, you will find out how.

Just think for a moment about the many ways in which people vary: age, gender, job title, occupation…

Read Do Unto Others What Works »

Parents of Teenagers: This is How to Destroy Your Relationship

As you know, teenagers are very close to my heart. At the age of 16, I decided it was time for people to change their attitude towards teens if they want them to change their attitude towards their life and the adults in their life. Especially parents of teenagers.

I was a bit shocked to realize that the relationship I had with my parents from an early age had led us into constant conflict during my teen years.

Until that point, I thought all teens hated their parents. I thought all parents of teenagers lost their kids’ respect and trust during adolescence. I knew that having these thoughts did not help teenagers or their parents.

Read Parents of Teenagers: This is How to Destroy Your Relationship »

Magic in Little Hands

It was Monday morning when I brought my green sprouting container to school. A group of 3-year-old kids ran towards me to see my “surprise”. I opened the plastic bag and took it out. The idea had come into my mind after my Reiki course.

Barbara McGregor, my Reiki teacher, had told us that kids, have life energy in their hands naturally and my brain had clicked. Even if they did not, I could always make sure they did…

“What is this?” they asked excitedly.

“We are going to do some magic”, I told them.

Read Magic in Little Hands »

4 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 15

In my life, age 15 was the turning point. 4 months before my 16th birthday, I woke up and discovered that the life I lived was an illusion and I opened up to a new life.

For me, 16 was the sweetest thing there was. Life was divided into before and after – before my awakening and after it. Later on in life, there were many times when I wished I could send my 15-year-old self some wisdom to make her life easier.

Here are the things I would send back in time.

Read 4 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 15 »

Readathon: Pay Per Read

Boy reading with flashlight under the blanket

Noff is my 3rd child coming home with a note from school, which offers parents to pay their kids to read books. Since we arrived here in Australia, each of our kids has come home with some “incentive to encourage children to read” project, aiming to entice children to read more by participating in a “Readathon” – a reading marathon.

1. Kids go home with a form asking Mom and Dad to give them permission to participate in the marathon.

2. The kids need to go to grownup friends and relative (grandparents are the best victims for this) and ask them to commit to paying a certain amount of money for every book they read.

3. Then, the kids read as many books as they can.

4. At the end of the marathon, they bring the signed sheet with the payment and the money goes to the school.

Read Readathon: Pay Per Read »