Marriage and Self Talk

In “Save your marriage (part 6) – How to get things wrong”, I explained how negative self-talk becomes an obstacle in a marriage.

Although the story about the Jack was about a man, self-talk is typical for men and women alike. In this post, I give you two examples of such imaginary scenarios that can lead to relationship breakdown. I hope that you will be able to recognize yourself in them, learn to “catch yourself in the act”, and switch to positive self-talk and open communication with your partner.

Going Out for a Romantic Dinner

Allan called home from work and invited Sally to a restaurant for dinner. They had discussed this some time before and had both agreed they needed some time out, to refresh and renew the romance between them. Allan invited the babysitter, booked the restaurant and there was nothing Sally had to do but dress for the occasion.

This post is part 8 of 33 in the series Save Your Marriage

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Parenting for Tomorrow

Here is a typical scene in many homes these days: you come in the door, pass by the living room and see the TV on and one or two kids holding something in their hand, with a wire leading to just under the TV. They kids are totally absorbed in what is happening on the screen and ignore you completely, while pressing buttons and pushing little levers on the box in their hands.

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How to Get Things Wrong in a Marriage

One typical topic appearing in each couples’ counseling or coaching session is the lack of communication between them. It is not that they do not talk. They do, but they talk to themselves in a never-ending self-talk that happens to be negative.

One theory about the reason for marriage breakdown is that one or two of the married couple seem to be trapped in a conversation, in which they talk and they answer on behalf of their partner. In this conversation, their partner is critical and demanding, which makes them treat them with anger later on. When I ask them about their communication, they are very surprised to discover they never actually had these conversations with the other person.

Self-talk is a natural emotional outlet for people. Self-talk is the internal conversation a person has with himself or herself. It is the way to verbalize a person’s thoughts. Self-talk is a good way to handle stressful situations. When they are too overwhelming, people talk to themselves to find ways to handle the situation. They tell themselves the problem is not that big, they tell themselves they have solutions, they tell themselves things that will encourage them to “survive” the situation. Self-talk can be very helpful.

The problem in every relationship appears when the thoughts are negative and later on, the attitude towards the partner can be hostile and negative. People fearing a reaction may tell themselves things on behalf of their partner and react to them as if they have already happened.

Negative self-talk gives freedom to many feelings that do not support marriage like fear, jealousy, anger, frustration and even hate. Such feelings are fertile soil for divorce. It is impossible to find a divorcing couple having feelings of joy, happiness, love or satisfaction. In many cases after divorce, it takes years for people to awaken such feelings.

This post is part 7 of 33 in the series Save Your Marriage

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Personal Power is Remarkably Better than Fairness or Justice

As a parent, I’m sure you’ve heard the whine “It’s not fair!” more than once. I would venture a guess that your response on some occasions was “Well, life isn’t (always) fair”. But have you ever stopped to think about the idea of fairness and how it affects your life and the life of your kids?

For me, there are some issues with this idea of fairness. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and here’s how I see it.

The expectation that things will be fair is based on some external entity running things and making sure everybody gets their fair share.

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Your Child is an Angel in My Class

Kids behave differently at home and parents wonder many times about the difference between them and the teachers. Some parents are surprised when a teacher says, “Your child is an angel in my class”.

I remember my mom coming home from a parent-teacher meeting in my sister’s class and saying, “It was as if we were talking about a different girl” (she did not say this about me, because I was trouble in both places).

Over 23 years of teaching, I have been asked many questions regarding school and home, teachers and parents.

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Aggressive Kids

Coach forcing aggressive boy down in fight club

Some parents have aggressive kids. Some parents have nice kids, who behave aggressively sometimes.

Teens, for example, because they are in “the argumentative age”, have more conflicts with their parents and this creates an endless cycle of disciplinary action, which creates arguments, which bring more discipline and then more arguments…

Not all kids know they need to be easy to parent. When they are born, no one tells them they need to do everything their parents expect of them. Or what to do when there are conflicts of expectations.

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Beliefs of Assertive People

Assertive people have sets of beliefs that help them to be assertive. If you want to find out what you need to do to become an assertive person, examine your beliefs.

Here is a set of questions to help you examine your beliefs:

– What do I think about this belief?
– Where did I get this belief (past outcome, education, media, environment, creative thinking)?
– How old was I when I adopted this belief?
– Is this belief good for me to have?

This post is part 10 of 20 in the series Self Esteem Mini-Course

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5 Common Parenting Mistakes

When I decided to write the post, after many requests, I was not sure if I should call it “5 Common Parenting Mistakes”. You see, calling something a mistake is a form of judgment, like saying there is a right way to do something.

But I do not believe there is a right way. I think there are many ways and they need to suit the person who implements them.

When I studied my Special Education degree, I learned hundreds, if not thousands, of education and psychology theories. It may sound surprising to you, but some of them were in contradiction with others.

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Should I Choose a Single-sex School for My Child?

The single-sex school originated during the 18th century, when rich families sent their sons to “special” schools. Only later, in the 19th century, when the awareness of the value of education increased, were girls also sent to study. Single-sex schools were very popular in England and now also in Australia.

Today, the single-sex schools are popular among religious populations and even more during high school.

Supporters of single-sex schools believe they help kids concentrate on their academic work and avoid the sexual distractions of adolescence.

Critics believe that some social skills relating to the opposite sex reaches its peak development during teenage and that if teens do not have enough practice, this limit their social skills and their ability to relate later on.

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My kids don’t eat the food I make. What should I do?

Kids’ eating habits are very important for parents and it is very frustrating to prepare food and find out your kids do not like it.

If you look at this issue from an emotional point of view, it has to do with control. Your kids are exercising control over what and when they eat, while you try to keep that control. Once you look at it this way, though, the solution is simple.

Here are some great things that will get your kids to eat well.

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