Family MattersPractical Parenting Blog

Isn’t it Obvious?

All of our actions and words are done and said within a particular environment, physical conditions, emotional state, human company and various other circumstances. In a different situation, the same actions and words are likely to have completely different meaning.

Just imagine for a second your little toddler getting upset at you for putting her to bed and saying, “I hate you! Bad Mommy!” Now, imagine your teenage daughter leaving the house in a storm, all dressed up, made up and accessorized, turning to you before slamming the door and yelling, “I hate you! You’re such a bad mother!” Can you imagine this being said by your soon-to-be ex-husband during a divorce? Your mother after she has tried to tell you for the millionth time how to raise your kids and you have told her to shut up and butt out?

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High Standards: Blessing or Curse?

At first, this post may seem like a gripe session, but bear with me, because there is a serious point to all this bitching and moaning. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy the stories along the way.

The whole idea came to my mind at a big event our family attended last weekend. The weather was perfect, the setting was beautiful – wide green lawn surrounded by impressive buildings with a classical appearance, stalls with food and various arts and crafts and a main stage – and the program was very promising, with shows and activities for the kids and lots of entertainment.

As the day progressed, I found myself being more and more annoyed by what happened, which made me wonder whether high standards may not be the cause of my unhappiness and what I should be teaching my kids.

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My Samsung Ordeal

Looking for a good printer? I hope this story will help you buy better. In fact, maybe it will help you buy other things better too. This is the story of my Samsung CLX-3175FN multifunction printer/fax/scanner/copier…

For years, after working in the Special Education library and preparing materials for teachers, I had a dream of having my own copier. When our last printer broke down after three years of good service, we said it was time to get a multifunction device and save space and energy. So we searched for the best product for our small business. You see, Gal and I learned that when you buy a product, you need to buy it from a good source (we call it “a product with parents”) so you can get someone to fix it if something goes wrong.

Gal went to the biggest office equipment stores and found out Samsung had revamped their service offering by adding on-site repairs and a replacement policy for faulty products. He was told “They’ll just send someone to your house to fix the printer, but if they can’t fix it, they’ll replace it”.

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The Art of Misery (Advanced)

Two years ago, I wrote about choosing to be miserable in the The Art of Misery. It is amazing how many people in the world qualify for the Certificate of Misery and have mastered this art. For some strange reason, it is easier to master misery than happiness. I do not know exactly why that is, but for most people, the definition of happiness is so hard to achieve they can never be happy. Even when they have a happy moment, it does not last long enough to get them to the next happy moment.

In The Art of Misery, I gave 10 lessons in misery with clear instructions on how to pass each test and gradually move on to the next level. Although I wrote that only those who completed the program would be entitled to the certificate, I have discovered it is enough for people to master some of the lessons to declare themselves eligible.

In the last two years, I have had many requests to extend the misery course and I believe the time has finally come. After two years of practicing and holding your misery certificate, you are ready for the next level. Today, in the second part of the Misery Mastery “training program”, I will improve, refine and help you upgrade your skills. I will add 10 more things you can do if being just miserable is not enough and you really, really want to be extremely miserable.

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Dolphins

This weekend, Ronit and I went with the kids to Sea World. The weather was beautiful, we took our time and we only visited our favorite attractions. One of these was the dolphin show, featuring several of these magnificent creatures and their acrobatic abilities.

I came out of this show with two things on my mind:

1. It reminded me of a game we played during my life coaching course, which I would like to play with you and you can play with your kids

2. I saw highly intelligent creatures being reduced to performing pets through the overuse of immediate fish rewards, which I have seen many parents do too (not with fish, but you get the idea)

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Watch What You Say to Your Kids

This typically happens to parents with their children as they grow up. When babies are born, they can sleep for hours, make a mess, not answer your questions, look away when you talk, pee on you and cry loudly, no matter what you are trying to do at the time. And that is OK. In fact, whatever they do is great.

But if a toddler cries in the middle of the supermarket, the pressure is on. “I want you to stop crying right now! You’re embarrassing me in front of all these people. Just sit in the trolley and be quiet”.

About 10 years later, it becomes “Why won’t you talk to me? Why won’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”

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My 8-Year-Old Goes Clubbing

My daughter’s Grade 4 teacher, Mr. M, loves stories and, a lot like us, he thinks that if he inspires kids to love reading and writing, he will consider himself a very successful educator.

Two weeks ago, Mr. M told the kids a story about a club. He told them the story over a few days and the kids liked it very much. The girls in the class were so inspired they started a new club – “The Girls’ Club”. All the kids were so happy about the idea of clubs that over a week, each group started its own club.

Mr. M’s idea was very good and talked with the kids about inclusion and about the sense of belonging people have when they join a club, but he did not take into consideration that kids will use this “clubbing” idea to exclude others (or maybe he did).

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Parenting Styles

Last year, my 21-year-old daughter Eden started studying Psychology. She said she wanted to study Psychology since she was 10 years old. Having a mother and an aunt in Special Education, another aunt in psychology and Social Work and being inspired by our amazing psychologist friend probably all contributed to her desires to learn about the human mind.

Whenever I talk about Eden and her desire to study Psychology (by the way, at this stage, she still just wants to study and being a psychologist is not on her radar yet), it takes me back to a research project I did during my own studies, titled “Why do people choose to study Special Education?”

Besides finding out why people chose Special Education, I also discovered some interesting relationships between teachers, Special Education teachers, social workers and psychologists, which I now use as models for parenting styles.

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Quid Pro Quo (2)

Last week, I wrote about the notion of fairness and how it can be used to manipulate people to do what we want them to do. Today, I am going to cover “the dark side” of fairness, which makes us do things we later regret.

If you have ever broken up a fight between kids, you are familiar with the exclamation “He/she started it!”

Further investigation into who “really” started it usually yields a detailed list of escalation steps, starting with something surprisingly small, even trivial, like “He stepped on my dragon” (little rubber toy dragon, that is) or “She made a face at me”.

But it is not just kids, is it? Any “married couple” (any couple sharing a life together for long enough, really) can tell stories of fights that started from nothing and ended up in days of angry silence, only to be resolved later when the original issue was finally addressed on its own.

So why is it we can be pulled into bad cycles with little things and get into big trouble “all of a sudden”?

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Nagging Your Kids

Last year, I wrote a post about the 8 worst ways to treat your kids. I get comments on my posts – some of them support my views, while some of them disagree or challenge the ideas I write about – and this post was no different. You probably know that bloggers love comments, but it may be surprising to you that bloggers absolutely love the challenging ones, because they create even more opportunities to write their opinions.

Recently, I received a comment from Sandie, a mother who thought my top 8 tips were “out of line”.

I started writing back, but then I realized it probably needed a bit more attention, so here is Sandie’s comment and my reply. Enjoy!

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