Isn’t it Obvious?

All of our actions and words are done and said within a particular environment, physical conditions, emotional state, human company and various other circumstances. In a different situation, the same actions and words are likely to have completely different meaning.

Just imagine for a second your little toddler getting upset at you for putting her to bed and saying, “I hate you! Bad Mommy!” Now, imagine your teenage daughter leaving the house in a storm, all dressed up, made up and accessorized, turning to you before slamming the door and yelling, “I hate you! You’re such a bad mother!” Can you imagine this being said by your soon-to-be ex-husband during a divorce? Your mother after she has tried to tell you for the millionth time how to raise your kids and you have told her to shut up and butt out?

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Kids are Always Watching

Last week, I had a meeting with a government official about my parenting program “Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids”. We talked about how parenting programs focus on behavior management, which I find problematic.

Anyway, after a long conversation about parenting, the man asked me a tough question, “Well Ronit, if you could summarize the most important thing for parents in one sentence, what would that be?”

“Only one?” I asked, trying to buy time (this was like writing on twitter and only having 140 characters).

“Yes, Ronit, only one”, he smiled.

So I thought about it. It was painful. It would be easier to find 10 things than just one. Finally, I said…

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Top Parenting Bloggers Discuss (5): Ideal Child

The question “What’s an ideal child?” comes up many times in my parenting workshops. I find it fascinating to discover and re-discover that some parents have only a vague idea of what an ideal child should be like, yet they are disappointed with their own children for not being ideal.

Furthermore, much of these parents’ daily energy is spent on maximizing their kids’ academic achievements, but in their definition of the ideal child, there is no mention of academic achievement.

Our definition of the ideal child forms the framework of our parenting plan. Whether our definition is conscious or not, it still determines how we relate to our kids.

In this part of Top Parenting Bloggers Discuss, I asked each blogger to describe their ideal child. I find it interesting that each of them had a different definition of what it means to them.

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High Standards: Blessing or Curse?

At first, this post may seem like a gripe session, but bear with me, because there is a serious point to all this bitching and moaning. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy the stories along the way.

The whole idea came to my mind at a big event our family attended last weekend. The weather was perfect, the setting was beautiful – wide green lawn surrounded by impressive buildings with a classical appearance, stalls with food and various arts and crafts and a main stage – and the program was very promising, with shows and activities for the kids and lots of entertainment.

As the day progressed, I found myself being more and more annoyed by what happened, which made me wonder whether high standards may not be the cause of my unhappiness and what I should be teaching my kids.

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Topsy Turvy World (2)

Last week, I wrote about some things that make our world seem to be operating upside down, including relaxing to accomplish more, exercising to have more time, giving to receive, listening to be heard and praising your kids so they will do better.

But life is so weird and wonderful, there are other examples of its topsy turvy ways and I just have to share them with you, because they have helped me and will likely help you too.

Is the sun bad for you?

Should you eat lots of protein?

Should you lose weight?

Should you be perfect?

Maybe this will help you choose, be happy and be a great parent too.

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Topsy Turvy World (1)

The expression “topsy turvy” literally means “toppled top” or “upside down” and is typically used to describe a situation that is the opposite of what it should be. Today, I am going to describe some situations in which the world seems to operate contrary to how it “should”, but if we adapt the way we think, we can actually use this to our advantage.

Most people believe that when things are tough, more pressure is the answer. So they spend more time “on the job”, worry when they are not making progress and drain their physical resources by not getting enough nutrition, water and sleep.

Unfortunately, this typically only aggravates the situation, because memory and creativity are blocked in the brain by stress. When we are stressed, it is like a car being stuck in first gear with the pedal to the metal. The noise is horrible, the amount of energy spent is enormous, we get the most power, but we move only forward and only slowly.

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100 Things that Make Me Happy

Happiness is the ultimate desire. Whether you are happy with your relationships, happy with your social life, happy with your health, happy with your job/profession/career, happy with your financial freedom or just generally happy with yourself, you want to be happy!

Happiness is a measurement of fulfillment, achievement and success, yet although most of us think it is important, we dedicate more time to other things than we do to studying the art of being happy.

It is as simple as this:

“If you want to be happy, study happiness”

One of the greatest shifting activities we do with our clients is called “100 things that make me happy”. Focusing on the things that make us happy diverts our focus in life from what we do not have to what we have, from complaining to appreciation, from negative to positive and from sadness to happiness.

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Avatars of the Mind

Human beings are formed united with the universe, unaware of dangers, evils or even simple discomforts. Then, the warm water is gone, there is a bright light, a blend of strong sounds, pulling and shaking. This is the beginning of realizing we may need to protect ourselves from what is outside of us, i.e. the rest of the world.

It is not that the world is necessarily bad, but there is a chance parts of it might be bad for us. It is not that we are uncomfortable all the time, but in-between comforts, we learn to fill our time with concerns about when the next pain or problem might hit us and what it might be.

So we find ourselves in a familiar enough situation – waiting in line at the bank, driving on the road, entering a busy car park or going to the doctor – and our protective mind kicks in and starts to imagine the worst case scenario.

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Quid Pro Quo (2)

Last week, I wrote about the notion of fairness and how it can be used to manipulate people to do what we want them to do. Today, I am going to cover “the dark side” of fairness, which makes us do things we later regret.

If you have ever broken up a fight between kids, you are familiar with the exclamation “He/she started it!”

Further investigation into who “really” started it usually yields a detailed list of escalation steps, starting with something surprisingly small, even trivial, like “He stepped on my dragon” (little rubber toy dragon, that is) or “She made a face at me”.

But it is not just kids, is it? Any “married couple” (any couple sharing a life together for long enough, really) can tell stories of fights that started from nothing and ended up in days of angry silence, only to be resolved later when the original issue was finally addressed on its own.

So why is it we can be pulled into bad cycles with little things and get into big trouble “all of a sudden”?

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