Repeating a Year (revisited)

The topic of repeating a year bothers many parents. Recently, I was asked by another parent for advice on this matter. I have chosen to present her story here and hope other parents will benefit from my advice.

She write: “Last night I read your comments to Repeating a School Year, which is our own situation. My boy was also born in May and he started school when he was 4 & half years old. We struggled throughout his school years. I felt exactly the same like Mama Fiona – I also found a huge maturity difference to his peers who are 1 year older in most cases. Academically he is sound but struggles to remain there, and keeping him focused is a constant battle. My gut is telling me he needs to repeat, more so for confidence and to help him settle better with kids his own age. School is resisting this as academically he is not well below.”

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Like a Dog

Dogs are really simple creatures. Whatever they do, they give it EVERYTHING.

If you have ever seen a dog happy, you know they are happy with their whole body – they wag their tail like crazy, they jump around, the breath excitedly, lick every part of you they can reach and even yelp with joy. If you have a dog, just take its leash and stand by the door and you will see what I mean.

People, on the other hand, think too much. Particularly, people care about what others will think of them. So instead of being true to what goes on inside them and expressing it to the best of their ability, they aim for a response out of the people around them and behave in a way that will get them this response.

But that is being manipulative, really.

It is also far less likely to succeed than being honest.

Kids start out like dogs – they get all excited when Mommy pulls a breast out of her bra. They wag their little arms and legs, their face lights up with excited anticipation and they cling and suck with everything they have. When Mommy goes out of their room, on the other hand, they start crying bitterly, twitching their arms and legs in a futile attempt to chase her.

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Just Kidding

Kids are very gullible. They love colors and sounds and quickly catch on to new trends and new celebrities. Being young, unfortunately, they do not notice to the messages being delivered straight into their little brains in bright color and pleasant sound.

Our 8-year-old daughter Noff brings home a kids’ magazine called Just Kidding. The name is great and so is some of the content, offering riddles, jokes and general information our kids proudly quote for us. Alas, the good stuff spans about 11 pages out of 48. All the rest is advertising, some of which is cleverly disguised as articles.

Ronit and I were pretty happy about this magazine at first, because our kids like to read, seemed to enjoy the contents and even benefited from having something to talk about at dinner time.

However, through some weird coincidence, one particular magazine lost its cover page and the bare contents found their way to our office desk, where we had a chance to examine them more closely.

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How to Praise Your Kids (1)

A few weeks ago, when my 8-year-old daughter Noff brought her “Alien House” from school, we were all very impressed. It was a tall 3-story box house, with lights (because her alien was afraid of the dark) and she had planned and executed her plan at school and had received an A+ for the assignment. The masterpiece stood proudly on top of our fridge for over 3 weeks and during that time, everyone who passed next to it, including her older siblings, praised her and said, “Noff, your alien house is just wonderful”, “Well done”, “You’re so creative” and “You’re so smart”.

What do you think? Did we do the right thing? Should kids be praised? If so, how should kids be praised for best results?

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Poor Busy Kids

This morning, as I was taking my 8-year-old daughter Noff to school, I told her, “Today is a very short day. I will pick you up at 3”. As I said that, I realized it was funny how leaving home at 8:15am and being picked up at 3pm qualifies as a short day.

You see, in Australia, “normal” kids study 5 days a week from 9am to 3pm, but for our family, this is a very short (and rare) day. Our kids are very busy. They have so many extra-curricular activities they hardly ever have a regular day like everyone else. Even between 9am and 3pm, while they are at school, their days are full of things most kids do not do.

Our 14-year-old son Tsoof starts 3 days a week somewhere around 7:15am. 4 times a week, he finishes around 4:45pm and twice a week, his lunch breaks is taken over by guitar lessons and rehearsals for Choir or Brass Ensemble.

Our 8-year-old daughter Noff starts at 9am nearly every day, but 3 times a week, she finishes between 4pm and 5pm. One day a week, she also sings in a choir in the afternoon and gets back home at 6:45pm. Twice a week, her lunch break is taken over by Dance and Choir rehearsals.

Today, however, all of my kids’ afternoon activities were canceled.

You are probably saying to yourself, “Poor busy kids”, right!?

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Repeating a School Year

Last week, I received the email below from one of the readers of Family Matters about whether or not her son should repeat a year at school. I am choosing to post my reply here, because I have been asked this question many times.

Hi Ronit,

My son is 7, born 3rd of May and is in year 2. I can now see a huge maturity difference to his peers who are 1 year older in most cases. Academically he is sound but struggles to remain there, and keeping him focused is a constant battle.

My gut is telling me he needs to repeat, more so for confidence and to help him settle better with kids his own age. School is resisting this as academically he is not well below.

Do you think I should keep pushing this?

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Get in Trouble

I do not know if this phrase is used a lot where you live, but in several places where we have lived, kids often say they are afraid to “get in trouble”. They typically use this expression in relation to their teacher, principal or some other adult who is responsible for them.

For example, we are on our way to school and Tsoof remembers he has forgotten part of his rehearsal uniform or some school play accessory. He stresses over it in the car and says, “[Word snipped]! Now I’m going to get in trouble”.

Embarrassing as this may be, I find this type of statement very annoying and frustrating. To me, doing (or not doing) something to avoid “getting in trouble” reflects negative external motivation. Not just negative, not just external, both!

And this is precisely the opposite of how I want my kids to be motivated, which means that some other adult in my kids’ life has managed to ruin my hard work (OK, Ronit helps too) and cause my little darlings to be motivated by some external threat. How dare they?!

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Success Ripples

Have I ever told you about my ripple effect theory? For me, teaching, coaching and writing are ways to make a positive change in people’s lives. Sometimes, I say to myself, “I need to touch people, just touch them slightly and if I hit the right buttons, the change will happen by itself like a ripple – the small change will cause another change that will trigger another change and it will expand and slowly touch more areas of life”.

Even my success is like that. I succeed at a small thing that expands and my success grows.

A woman who came to one of my workshops was a wonderful example of this success.

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Make a list: Childhood Memories

This series about list making revolves around the idea of using lists to examine our life and our perception and to highlight the good things in life. This lets us can enjoy them, appreciate them and be happy.

In this post, I want to explain the importance of remembering. I did write “good childhood memories” in the original list of lists, but I think that the mere act of remembering, even if we recall some bad memories, helps in our personal growth.

It is funny that when I mention memories, people go to the past and start digging. Some people find it hard to remember childhood experiences. For some, the past is more vivid, while for others, it is vague and unclear. Some remember what happened and others only remember what they felt about what happened.

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Telling Parents the Truth (2)

Although I understand the problems with telling parents the truth about their kids, I believe that not telling causes more problems. When I talk to people who disagree with me, their main argument is “Parents do not want to know”, but I know that whenever I presented “bad” news in a “good” way, parents considered me a savior.

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