When we examine values in my parenting workshops, it is amazing to discover that parents put most of their energy on values that are not the highest on their list. In fact, most parents waste their energy on things they rate fairly low. They argue and fight over schoolwork and cleaning the house, while neglecting other, far more important things.
Time and time again, when I ask parents about the things they fight with their kids over, too much TV always features on the list. I know it scares me that my kids watch too much TV, so I think it is a good idea to put some order into the TV topic.
Read TV Diet (1): Too Much TV? »
Last week, my son went to a small pool party and one of the kids who were invited did not show up. Somebody said Nick could not come because he was working. Nick, you should know, is a 14-year-old kid and had just started working at a donut shop that had opened next to his house. Obviously, a whole conversation started about working kids and whether or not it is good for kids to go to work.
Angela’s welcome party was a happy event for many of her parents’ friends and family. While everyone was celebrating her arrival into the world, Angela was asleep in her baby carriage, wearing the most beautiful angel outfit.The pile of presents next to her baby carriage was huge and at the end of the evening, Sam, the old manager at the event hall, helped her dad, Ian, put all the gifts in the car.
“Bless her. She has so many gifts”, the old manager said to Angela’s dad while helping him to load a big pink box with curly ribbons.
“Yes, she does”, said Ian excitedly.
Ian had been a bit worried before Angela’s arrival. He had been looking forward to the delivery day but at the same time worried about providing for his family. The list of things a baby needs had been so big that during the party, he kept looking at the gifts and was happy to see them piling high.
“We really need all the gifts”, Ian said to the old manager.
“Not really”, smiled Sam, “What you need is something that can’t be packed with ribbons”, and he held up a toy that made a funny noise.
Ian looked at the old man, not really understanding. He stopped and looked at him in surprise, “What do you mean? What do we need?”
“One more toy, another nice dress or furniture will make you happy, but she needs something that cannot be bought with money”, said Sam and handed Ian an envelope with a greeting card.
“This is your invoice. Thank you for choosing our venue”, he shook Ian’s hand, smiled and went back into the building, passing by Angela’s mom, Louise, at the entrance.
Ian opened the envelope and took out a greeting card with a photo of a large golden gift box. He opened the card. The invoice was folded inside it. Ian took out the invoice and read the greeting, which was written in pink.
Congratulations!
In one of the newsletters I get regularly, I received a link to the article titled “Social media…dirty word or essential skill?” I am sure most parents with Internet access and a teen or two would vote for “dirty word”, considering their kids’ obsessive texting, chatting and emailing.
Read Do As I Do »
Many couples in crisis get to this situation because they do not know each other well. Knowing each other is the first step in overcoming conflicts. In this part of “Save Your Marriage”, I am going to write about the importance of knowing your partner and teach you how to learn all there is to know about your partner. Getting to know your partner’s fears, joys, history and attitude are the first step of any relationship.
Think of marriage as a relationship between two onions. For a couple to get closer, they have to peel the layers of the onion one by one. In the beginning, when you meet a potential partner, you peel the thin external layers. As the relationship deepens, you need to peel more and more layers to discover the beautiful person hiding inside.
To understand, respect and love each other in our marriage, we must truly get to know the person sharing out life. Sometimes, just knowing what their fears are or their joys can change a whole life. I remember the first time Gal gave me his list of “50 things that make me happy” and I was surprised to find out he was happy about very little things. It was surprising, because we had lived together for over 15 years.
Assuming that if you live together you know everything is a bad idea. Even if we knew out partner well at some point, we still need to update ourselves and keep learning about them because, just like us, our partner changes with every event in their life.
If you ever go on a TV show of the “best married couple” type, they will ask how much you know about each other.
Why?
Because everyone assumes that knowing things about each other is essential to your success as a married couple.
If you are like me and like many other people I know, you sometimes ask yourself just how successful you are. Birthdays and New Years are typical opportunities to do this, but there are many other soft moments, when we find ourselves sitting quietly and thinking, “How is my life going?”
Read How to Measure Your Life »
It is amazing to discover that more and more often, decisions we make are no longer long-term or life-long decision but very short-term ones.
My parents come from a generation in which they thought that when a decision was made, it was made for life. If we misbehaved, they thought we would misbehave our entire lives. When we did not want to learn (OK, when I did not want to learn), they thought we would hate learning forever. When we hung around certain friends, they were afraid we would be with those friends forever.
Not so for my kids.
Read Decision Horizon »
In previous parts of the “Save Your Marriage” series, I discussed some of the problems that arise in relationships. This week, I will cover another one of the disturbing conflicts in any relationship – being trapped by stereotypes about gender.
In married life, there will always be obstacles threatening the stability of the marriage. Working through personal perceptions and interpretations is the key to overcoming such challenges.
Shortcut to divorce
Men and women perceive emotions, communication, sex, fidelity, work and money differently. They think the way they do because of the way they have been socialized and because of the way they have been shaped by their parents’ perceptions. From a very early age, we are “programmed” to believe that there are such things as “typical male” and “typical female” behavior. If you want a demonstration of how early this starts, look at your kids playing “shop” and consider how you choose baby clothes. Is it true that all baby girls love pink and baby boys love blue? No. Yet, most parents, when buying clothes, do not want to risk going against the grain by swapping colors.
Endless messages such as these are received during childhood and turn into beliefs and values that couples take into their marriage later on in life. Each party to a couple has his or her own “programmed” definition of what is typical, what is acceptable, what is tolerable and what is intolerable in a marriage relationship. Each of them may think that there is a particular way to show love to men that is different from the way you show love to women or that all men love sports and all women love jewelry and, without knowing, such gender beliefs can become a shortcut to divorce.
Read All Men Are… All Women Are… »
Here is a typical scene in many homes these days: you come in the door, pass by the living room and see the TV on and one or two kids holding something in their hand, with a wire leading to just under the TV. They kids are totally absorbed in what is happening on the screen and ignore you completely, while pressing buttons and pushing little levers on the box in their hands.
Read Parenting for Tomorrow »
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