Fear of Success

I have written a lot about the fear of failure, but I think many people are not aware this fear has a twin brother – the fear of success.

Fear of failure will make you try to fit into a standard (usually external), but fear of success will make you do anything to avoid reaching that standard.

While fear of failure is out there and everybody knows about it, fear of success is hidden so deep in our identity we may not recognize it, but it can be much worse for us.

Fear of failure is associated with making mistakes and not getting approval, while fear of success is the fear of doing things right and therefore not being accepted, not being appreciated and not being able to maintain the level of achievement and success.

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Sailing the Ship of Life

Last week, I had a session with a new client. She was very frustrated about things in her life. She had wanted to change them for so many years and nothing had happened.

“I feel like I have no control over my life”, she said to me, “It’s as if part of me says ‘go left’ and the other side says ‘go right’. For some reason, neither is the direction I want to go and I’m stuck! I can’t get the two sides of me to communicate with each other”.

I smiled. It sounded familiar.

“Sometimes, I wake up with energy and motivation that lasts for three days. There is a voice inside of me that keeps telling me it can be like this forever. I’ve tried shutting it out, but I don’t know how to”, she kept telling me about her frustration.

I listened to her and thought to myself, “She is ready for the sailing story”.

I hope you are ready too.

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People Change

When you read the title “people change”, you might be thinking, “Well, of course they do”, but very often, when you are very close to another person for a long time, these changes are difficult to notice. On the other hand, sometimes it is not the other person who changes, but us, and that just changes the way we see them.

When we start a long-term relationship, we are so intent on making it work that we overlook things we would prefer to be different “as long as we’re happy together”, but the discomfort caused by those overlooked things grows over time to the point where we suddenly notice them. One day, we are surprised to discover for the first time something our partner has been doing or saying for years. All that time, we dismissed it in different ways (“bad mood”, “something at work”, “didn’t really understand”, “only joking”, etc), but now, we look at “this thing” head on and think our partner has changed.

In a strange sort of way, the things that attracted us to that special person in the first place can become annoying over time, until we determine that the person has changed. We also get used to good things (annoying, but natural), which makes us take the good side of any character trait or behavior for granted, while getting more and more upset with the bad side.

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Superman and Wonder Woman

Last week, I met one of my clients from a few years ago and we had a great time together. She said to me, “Come on, Ronit, tell me what you’re doing now”, so I spent the next 15 minutes telling her about all the different things I was doing.

When I finished, she asked, “Really? When do you have the time to do all that?”

I smiled. Good question. I was not sure I had the answer.

“Ronit, you’re Wonder Woman!” she said, “You’re amazing. Everything you do is so perfect”.

Hmm…

Although I was flattered for a while, as I imagined myself being the perfect “Wonder Woman”, the compliment quickly faded. I do have my wonders, but perfect I am not. Everyone wants to be successful at what they do, but success and perfection are not really related.

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Mirror Image

One morning, as I was walking around the neighborhood, I saw a Magpie-lark (the bird on the left) fluttering next to a parked caravan. It flew away from the caravan and then sped towards one of the windows, flapping its wings aggressively.

“What a strange thing to do”, I thought, but then I moved closer and realized the bird was seeing its reflection in the window and, perceiving it as a threat, was probably defending its territory from the “other bird”.

This got me thinking (and not for the first time) about how we humans view our own world and how we become aggressive towards certain things, while being completely OK with others.

It reminded me of a friend of ours who complained about one of her kids. She said, “I get along just fine with my oldest boy, even though he likes different things to me, and the little one is just cute, no matter what she does, but my middle daughter Ruby drives me crazy sometimes. You know, Ruby reminds me a lot of how I used to be as a girl. She’s stubborn and strong willed just like I was. Oh, maybe that’s why we argue so much, because we’re the same…”

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Life Philosophy

Our story takes place somewhere in China in 1999. Ronit is in our hotel room, taking a nap, and I am walking around the yard with Eden (10) and Tsoof (4). We explore the pool and the various entertainment areas and we talk about philosophy.

I thought I would share this story with you because while I was telling these things to Eden in China, I learned a lot myself too. It made me feel good about choices that had previously been unconscious. I was also happy to get Eden thinking about the way she wanted to live, because most of my life had been handed down to me and I had lived it by habit and not by choice.

“There’s a nice story about Buddha, Confucius and Lao Tzu (the founder of Taoism) sampling pickles out of a barrel”, I said.

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Isn’t it Obvious?

All of our actions and words are done and said within a particular environment, physical conditions, emotional state, human company and various other circumstances. In a different situation, the same actions and words are likely to have completely different meaning.

Just imagine for a second your little toddler getting upset at you for putting her to bed and saying, “I hate you! Bad Mommy!” Now, imagine your teenage daughter leaving the house in a storm, all dressed up, made up and accessorized, turning to you before slamming the door and yelling, “I hate you! You’re such a bad mother!” Can you imagine this being said by your soon-to-be ex-husband during a divorce? Your mother after she has tried to tell you for the millionth time how to raise your kids and you have told her to shut up and butt out?

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High Standards: Blessing or Curse?

At first, this post may seem like a gripe session, but bear with me, because there is a serious point to all this bitching and moaning. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy the stories along the way.

The whole idea came to my mind at a big event our family attended last weekend. The weather was perfect, the setting was beautiful – wide green lawn surrounded by impressive buildings with a classical appearance, stalls with food and various arts and crafts and a main stage – and the program was very promising, with shows and activities for the kids and lots of entertainment.

As the day progressed, I found myself being more and more annoyed by what happened, which made me wonder whether high standards may not be the cause of my unhappiness and what I should be teaching my kids.

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Topsy Turvy World (2)

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the series Topsy Turvy World

Last week, I wrote about some things that make our world seem to be operating upside down, including relaxing to accomplish more, exercising to have more time, giving to receive, listening to be heard and praising your kids so they will do better.

But life is so weird and wonderful, there are other examples of its topsy turvy ways and I just have to share them with you, because they have helped me and will likely help you too.

Is the sun bad for you?

Should you eat lots of protein?

Should you lose weight?

Should you be perfect?

Maybe this will help you choose, be happy and be a great parent too.

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The Art of Misery (Advanced)

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series The Art of Misery

Two years ago, I wrote about choosing to be miserable in the The Art of Misery. It is amazing how many people in the world qualify for the Certificate of Misery and have mastered this art. For some strange reason, it is easier to master misery than happiness. I do not know exactly why that is, but for most people, the definition of happiness is so hard to achieve they can never be happy. Even when they have a happy moment, it does not last long enough to get them to the next happy moment.

In The Art of Misery, I gave 10 lessons in misery with clear instructions on how to pass each test and gradually move on to the next level. Although I wrote that only those who completed the program would be entitled to the certificate, I have discovered it is enough for people to master some of the lessons to declare themselves eligible.

In the last two years, I have had many requests to extend the misery course and I believe the time has finally come. After two years of practicing and holding your misery certificate, you are ready for the next level. Today, in the second part of the Misery Mastery “training program”, I will improve, refine and help you upgrade your skills. I will add 10 more things you can do if being just miserable is not enough and you really, really want to be extremely miserable.

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