Stronger Together

I did not get my social skills from my agents, so I had to hold on to “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” and survive many “near death” experiences before the idea sank in: If I want to survive, I must have good relationships with my parents, siblings, friends and teachers and I had better learn the rules FAST!

The bad news is that grownups without social skills were once kids without social skills. The good news is that kids without social skills do not have to be grownups without social skills. They can change. In fact, you can improve your social skills greatly at any age.

I personally discovered the rules the hard way. At the age of 16, after being a total failure and being kicked out of school, without friends and having constant fights with my siblings and my parents, I figured there was something I needed to understand. By the time I finally got it, I had already had countless failed encounters with people around me that I had to get over. It made me vow that my kids would get good social skills from me from the second they were born.

So even if you are not the most social person in the world, your kids can be!

In his book “How to win friends and influence people”, Dale Carnegie wrote what I consider the bible of building relationships. Carnegie wrote his book in 1937 and it is amazing how relevant it is now. I copied the rules and used my explanation and suggestions for each of them. I hope you will find inspiration in those timeless rules.

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Respect (spelled R.E.S.T.E.C.P)

R.E.S.T.E.C.P scene from Ali G Indahouse

In a family, the parents are like the government of a country. Not only do they make the decisions, but they also need to show the way through their actions, because everybody else (that is “the kids”) is watching them all the time.

In the movie Ali G Indahouse, Ali G is standing in his funny suit, red cap and heavy “bling” in the middle of the British Parliament and has this conversation that captures the essence of this in a funny but powerful way.

Ali G: R.E.S.T.E.C.P! Do ya even know wha’ it spellz?

Cabinet MP (hesitantly): Restecp?

Ali G: Yes, Restecp. ‘Owz anyone out there meant to restecp each uvva if you lot in ‘ere don’t even start restecp’ing one anuvva?

Beautifully said, no?

As you are probably aware, self-respect is the basis of confidence and respect for others is the basis of assertiveness.

When you respect yourself and others, they do not have to be exactly like you anymore. Being different is OK. Respect opens the way to understanding and then to cooperation and harmony (do I hear anyone saying “World peace”?).

The problem is that we live in a world where we do not get too enough respect. Jobs are cut to improve the bottom line of the company and even lives are sacrificed to make a bunch of people richer than they already are. Every day, we are being manipulated from every direction and we know it is not for our own good but for somebody else’s.

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Risk, Success and Happiness

There is a beautiful story about 2 sales people of a shoe company sent to a deserted African country to examine business potential. The whiner calls his boss and says, “People here walk barefoot. They do not wear shoes at all. Our sales potential is zero”. The winner calls his boss and says, “People here walk barefoot. They do not wear shoes at all. We have no competition. The whole market is ours for the taking”.

Every success involves risk. It may sound funny, but the greater the risk, the greater the achievement. Poor people consider risk takers foolish, but those who excel will tell you that no achievement is ever accomplished by staying in your comfort zone.

The “comfort zone” is a very dangerous place, because it repels creativity and success. The comfort zone is the place where you welcome your fears with open arms and keep them company. There is nothing wrong with relaxing from time to time and resting before climbing the next mountain, but when we get too comfortable, out choices are eventually limited to getting up or drowning.

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Are Chinese Mothers Superior?

A good friend sent me an article called Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior from the Wall Street Journal. In it, the author claims that Chinese mothers are willing to put enormous pressure on their kids to succeed and the kids eventually realize their mothers are right. She writes, “A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it … What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”

Now, I agree that goal-oriented kids (and grownups) accomplish more, but this is way over the top, especially when some more details of harsh treatment are provided.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know Ronit and I have a 22-year-old daughter who excels academically, having finished high school when she was 16. We have a son who is musically gifted, a top student and a school captain, who will be finishing high school when he just turns 16. Our youngest daughter is only 9, but she is well known by her teachers and her friends’ parents as the girl to associate with. She is polite, independent, determined and accomplished academically, as well as in several arts.

Yet, we use very different methods to help our kids grow, because the most important thing for us is their emotional wellbeing.

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How to Help Bullying Victims (2)

Last week, I wrote the first 25 tips to help victims bullying cope with and avoid being bullied. As I have written before, I believe in a holistic approach to stopping this phenomenon of bullying, which is a cycle of violence and abuse.

Building the victims’ confidence to function as a “bully repellent” is a good start. In some cases, this will stop them feeling so weak they have to bully someone else to restore their personal power.

Here are the next 25 tips to help the bully victim.

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Fighting Poverty

Luck has nothing to do with success and all the successful people will tell you that most of their success did not fall from the sky but there was some opportunity they were able to recognize. Developing the attitude to recognize opportunities is mistaken for some mystical luck similar to winning the lottery.

When my son was preparing for a competition, I told him the lottery story. This story is a ticket out of poverty. Take every opportunity to use it.

Every Friday, the archangel Gabriel went down to the Wailing Wall to pick up the notes of requests people stuck on the wall during the week. Every week, he read all the notes and organized them before presenting them to God.

One day, Gabriel want to God and said, “Dear God, there is this old man who comes here every week, rain or shine, for 25 years. Every week, he begs you to let him win the lottery. He is a good, religious man and never asks for anything else. Please God, I have read his requests every week for 25 years and it breaks my heart. Can you please grant the poor man his wish?”

God said, “I would do it gladly, if only he bought a ticket”.

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The Good Life

The difficulty kids have with goal setting is their short life experience. Without knowing enough about cause and effect, kids focus on having fun right now. Spending any amount of effort on a reward they may or may not get in the future is just not something they do.

In the famous 1972 “Stanford marshmallow experiment”, psychologist Walter Mischel put kids in an empty room and put a treat next to them. He told them they could eat their treat, but if they waited 15 minutes, he would give them another. Of 600 children, a third waited long enough for their reward, some snatched the treat and ate it as soon as he left the room and most of the kids did their best to avoid eating the treat by distracting themselves (moving, playing with their hair, etc).

Mischel’s original conclusion was that older kids can wait longer and deferred gratification is related to age. However, years later, he followed up with some of the children in his experiment and discovered that those who waited longer were also more successful in life.

In 1988, Mischel found that “preschool children who delayed gratification longer in the self-imposed delay paradigm were described more than 10 years later by their parents as adolescents who were significantly more competent”. In 1990, he found a correlation between the ability to delay gratification and higher Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) scores.

This is where we (parents) come in. If we teach our kids to set goals and achieve them, their life will be so much better. So how do we do it?

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The Art of Excellence: Success with High Standards

Quality and high standards lead to excellence

In the eyes of the average person, there’s something snobby in striving for excellence. For some people, possibly for most, excellence is pure luck, almost a luxurious state of living that you’re either born with or not. It is no coincidence that those who think this way don’t excel at many things in life.

There’s a paradox in the search for excellence, because it is the result of an attitude, a habit you need to have in the first place in order to achieve it. There’s something frustrating in understating what T. Alan Armstrong said, “Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself is merely the demonstration of their championship act”. It’s frustrating, because it makes you think that excelling is hard work.

Excellence goes together with extraordinary success that is higher than all standards. It’s frustrating because you cannot reach excellence without succeeding big time.

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Beautiful Kids vs. Brutal Honesty

Last week, I ran 3 parenting workshops and there was one topic that came up over and over again – the truth about your kids. While I was describing research, education methods, philosophy and personal development techniques to raise happy and successful kids, some people were very concerned about telling kids the truth.

I find the concept of “the truth” very problematic and the seed of many difficulties in life. Every small problem in life just makes this seed grow poisonous roots of inadequacy, self-doubt and fear.

At the workshop, I talked about the importance of raising kids to think they are capable, talented, smart, friendly, flexible, courageous, wise, trustworthy, etc (the list can be adapted to each parent’s needs) so they will have good beliefs about themselves, their skills and their abilities. I always say that overcoming kids’ learning difficulties is easier than overcoming their belief that something is wrong with them and that therefore, it is parents’ job to make sure their kids have positive, empowered beliefs about themselves.

The parents and I examined beliefs that are very good for kids to have. Let me ask you, if your son thinks he is smart, is that good for him or not? If your daughter thinks she is friendly, is it good for her or not? If your kids think they are good siblings, is it good for them or not?

Is it good for the parents too?

Well, apparently, for some people it is not good. To them, the truth is more important.

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Who Knows?

Motivation can be external or internal. That is, a person can be prompted, encouraged or coerced to do something by somebody else, or they can do it for their own reasons.

Kids, being so young and dependent, begin their life by mimicking their parents and other carers and by following their instructions. “Those big, loving, all-knowing creatures that take care of me must be right, so it’s best to be guided by them”, they reason.

This quickly develops into obedience, even when following the instructions might cause discomfort to the child. “It’s a small price to pay for the big person’s love and besides, maybe the big person is right and this is good for me?”

I find with my kids that their principals, teachers, coaches and other instructors tend to encourage conformity and submission to authority and I have to deal with it sometimes and help them strengthen their internal motivation. You will recognize this has happened to your children when they start talking about getting away with things, instead of whether or not those things should be done in the first place.

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