A couple of weeks ago, there was a special event at Southbank, the park along the Brisbane River. Among other things, there was a large enclosure, where an organization called Medecins Sans Frontieres (Doctors Without Borders) showed a model of a refugee camp and took groups of people on guided tours. The line before the gate of the model refugee camp was very long, but we decided to wait.
Read Aren’t We Lucky? »
In previous parts of the “Save Your Marriage” series, I discussed some of the problems that arise in relationships. This week, I will cover another one of the disturbing conflicts in any relationship – being trapped by stereotypes about gender.
In married life, there will always be obstacles threatening the stability of the marriage. Working through personal perceptions and interpretations is the key to overcoming such challenges.
Shortcut to divorce
Men and women perceive emotions, communication, sex, fidelity, work and money differently. They think the way they do because of the way they have been socialized and because of the way they have been shaped by their parents’ perceptions. From a very early age, we are “programmed” to believe that there are such things as “typical male” and “typical female” behavior. If you want a demonstration of how early this starts, look at your kids playing “shop” and consider how you choose baby clothes. Is it true that all baby girls love pink and baby boys love blue? No. Yet, most parents, when buying clothes, do not want to risk going against the grain by swapping colors.
Endless messages such as these are received during childhood and turn into beliefs and values that couples take into their marriage later on in life. Each party to a couple has his or her own “programmed” definition of what is typical, what is acceptable, what is tolerable and what is intolerable in a marriage relationship. Each of them may think that there is a particular way to show love to men that is different from the way you show love to women or that all men love sports and all women love jewelry and, without knowing, such gender beliefs can become a shortcut to divorce.
Read All Men Are… All Women Are… »
Ask any person who has ever had a garage sale and they will tell you that it takes a long time to prepare for one, and sometimes it is hard to say goodbye to some items that you think are close to your heart. Still, in the end, you meet some wonderful people, you make some money and you feel hugely relieved afterwards. You feel fresh, clean, light and free.
Read Emotional Garage sale »
When you decide to leave what you consider home and travel, you get to meet people, who would never have come into your life if you had not left. When people ask me about the emotional and social difficulties of moving from one place to another, I tell them that I get to meet wonderful people and that to help myself adjust to a new place, I tell myself that the new place has many true friends I have not met yet.
So how do you know your true friends?
Read True Friends »
There’s a famous saying “Two’s company, but three’s a crowd”. When you’re a parent, and you want to help your kids with their social life, it’s a good one to remember. Other odd numbers of kids are tougher than even, but three can get downright nasty.
Ronit and I grew up in small places, where life was fairly simply and people were very friendly. So whatever we did, we did with our friends. We rode our bikes with them, played sports with them, and splashed with them at the pool or in the puddles. We swung with them at the playground and very often invented new and exciting games and adventures with them.
So it’s only natural for us to want our kids to have friends too and enjoy similar warmth to what we felt as kids. We want them to develop their social skills and imagination (come on, say it with me “instead of spending all their spare time in front of the computer or the TV”).
In “Save Your Marriage (part 6)”, I described a common communication problem couples have (the story about the jack). Today, I will outline 10 ways you can get things wrong in any relationship. I hope you will be able to recognize yourself in some of them and find ways to work on that miscommunication. Remember, it is just miscommunication and there is no need to give up something as special as your marriage because of something that can be fixed so easily.
Many arguments start from a simple misunderstanding of the meaning of what one or the other has said. Many times, one party will give a meaning to something the other one has said that was actually not the intended meaning at all. So if you think about it, if it is you who attaches the wrong meaning to your partner’s words or actions, then when you argue, in a sense, you argue with yourself.
A study of expert communicators has found that in any given interaction, we have a tendency to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. The study has found that in any communication, we:
1. Interpret
2. Distort
3. Delete
We change the information we receive subconsciously by the interplay of our beliefs, values and rules that we already have in our heads. Thus our emotions can alter the interpretation of any message sent our way. If we are afraid of something, we tend to think the messenger was aggressive. If we feel confused, we tend to think the messenger was unclear with his or her message. If some information is missing, the way we fill in the gaps can be very subtle but may have a very strong impact.
A happy marriage is just like a healthy plant. If you give the plant water, sun and air, it blossoms. A marriage requires an equal amount of nurturing if it is to blossom. As much as it is hard to accept, a nice wedding and the good intentions you have to stay together forever are not enough to produce a successful, happy marriage. The excitement and joy that newly-wed couples often experience tend to wear off within the first year of marriage and so, if you want to celebrate your 50th anniversary with your partner one day, you both need to make a conscious decision to “water” your relationship.
Read 60 Tips for a Happy Marriage »
Yesterday evening, Noff and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. As we were walking, Noff told me she was going to have a “book character day” today and she had decided to dress up as Pippi Longstocking. She was very excited, as kids often are, and wanted to know every little detail about Pippi’s character, so that she would do a good job at school.
Read Pippi Longstocking »
Two weeks ago, in part 6 of “Save Your Marriage”, I explained the influence of negative self-talk on relationships. Last week, in part 7, I gave an example of Sally talking to herself about her frustrations regarding her weight. In every relationship, when people talk to themselves about their problem with others in a negative way, things can easily be blown out of proportion.
Self-talk is a natural way of dealing with what happens to us in life and it is typical for men and women alike. It is when the self-talk turns all dark that things start going wrong.
This week, I want to let you in on Allan’s self-talk when planning to hang out with the guys.
Hanging out with the guys
Sally packed her bag and rushed to pick up the kids from music school. The phone rang and Dave was on the other end of the line.
“Hi Sally, I can’t get hold of Allan. Is he home already?”
“No”, said Sally, “He has a meeting till 6”.
“Can you please let him know we are planning to hang out with the guys on Friday?”
“Sure”, said Sally and hurried to her car. The thought of not having to cook on Friday was pleasing. She could take the kids out for a pizza, she thought happily.
Read More About Self Talk »
Opposition Defiance Disorder (ODD) is another name people who like labels use when they need a budget for helping children. Someone has worked very hard and probably spent many dollars to research kids and teens (they say ODD can start as early as 1-3 years of age) and come up with a nice label. Since ADHD worked so well, ODD should work quite well too. Labels are a good way to attract funds, but I am not sure they are good to make things better.
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