Children are born into this world needy and helpless. They are born without the ability to speak, without the ability to express their feelings clearly, without the ability to satisfy their own essential needs or change anything in their world. They are equipped with one skill to rule their world – crying.
In many cultures, marriage is considered a union of souls, not to mention the union of bodies. Therefore, many people have the notion that when they get married, “two become one” and even the Spice Girls sang about it, so it must be true.
However, as much as the beautiful concept of becoming one seems appealing at the beginning of a relationship, especially during the wedding ceremony, the expectation to become one can be the cause of many challenges in a marriage.
We can be united and fly to the same destination, but in doing so, we need two wings – two opposite wings – a right wing and a left wing. When we walk, we need to opposite legs & feet to keep us balanced. We would have a hard time walking with only one leg, however thick, or with two right feet. In the same way, a married couple can never truly be one (or two of the same).
The fine line between connection and uniqueness
The need for love and connection that marriage fulfils awakens another need – the need for significance. During adolescence, this need reaches its peak and teens go to extremes to be unique. Being with Gal for so many years (28 years this Thursday) has often made me wonder about my individuality within our relationship. The biggest question is “Where do ‘we’ stop and ‘I’ begin?” or “How much of myself should I compromise for our relationship?”
While coaching couples, I have found that this question is common to every marriage. The desire to be one means that you may risk your uniqueness and this can be one of the causes for divorce. “Why do I have to go with you to this movie just because you like it?” or “Why do we always do what you want?” are examples of the sentences married couples say to each other that are a sign they have not yet found the right balance between connection and uniqueness.
Remember, when you get married, it is not the end of who you were before, but a part of who you are now.
Read When Two Do Not Become One »
Children’s behavior is the concern of many parents. Kids can be diagnosed with ADD, ADHD or ODD, when in fact, it is the various choices their parents have made throughout the course of their kids’ lives that make kids act the way they do. Yes, I know this is hard to accept, but I believe that if you were to give me a normal child – boy or girl – I could, by making a simple choice to act in a particular way, single-handedly turn this child into a problematic beast with social problems, difficulties with authority, declining academic achievement, lack of motivation, depression, anger and anxiety, just to name a few.
Read Recipe for Teen Disaster »
Opposition Defiance Disorder (ODD) is another name people who like labels use when they need a budget for helping children. Someone has worked very hard and probably spent many dollars to research kids and teens (they say ODD can start as early as 1-3 years of age) and come up with a nice label. Since ADHD worked so well, ODD should work quite well too. Labels are a good way to attract funds, but I am not sure they are good to make things better.
As a parent, I’m sure you’ve heard the whine “It’s not fair!” more than once. I would venture a guess that your response on some occasions was “Well, life isn’t (always) fair”. But have you ever stopped to think about the idea of fairness and how it affects your life and the life of your kids?
For me, there are some issues with this idea of fairness. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and here’s how I see it.
The expectation that things will be fair is based on some external entity running things and making sure everybody gets their fair share.
Read Personal Power is Remarkably Better than Fairness or Justice »
When I decided to write the post, after many requests, I was not sure if I should call it “5 Common Parenting Mistakes”. You see, calling something a mistake is a form of judgment, like saying there is a right way to do something.
But I do not believe there is a right way. I think there are many ways and they need to suit the person who implements them.
When I studied my Special Education degree, I learned hundreds, if not thousands, of education and psychology theories. It may sound surprising to you, but some of them were in contradiction with others.
Read 5 Common Parenting Mistakes »
It was the third birthday our daughter had refused to celebrate with friends. For her 17th birthday, she invited a couple of girls to go out for a movie. For her 18th birthday, she spent the day crying because it was her grandmother’s funeral (and her dad was away to attend).
When she approached her 19th birthday, we had the same discussions about a party all over again.
When I was kid, most of the kids wanted to have a party, at least on their birthdays. Only the “rich” kids could have parties every year. Some rare kids had parties more than once a year and those were obviously the most popular.
Today, let’s explore how we form our social identity and how it can contribute to our self-esteem.
Psychologists claim that we have a social identity. From the moment kids see themselves as part of a family, they start forming their social identity. Our self-esteem, which is what we think about ourselves, is greatly influenced by the groups we associate ourselves with and by what they think and do. For that matter, our family is our first social group.
If you want to understand the influence of the groups on our life, put yourself at the center of a circle and draw bigger and bigger circles around you for your family, friend, work colleagues, acquaintances and so on. The closest the circle to you, the more influence you allow this group to have on your life.
Read Social Identity »
In a research done in 1971 by Gergen, he found that there are four things that need to happen for us to accept a message:
1. Authority: The person who is giving the message needs to be in a position to do that – knowledgeable, experienced, in power
2. Familiarity: The person who is giving the message is presented as someone close to us who knows us well – family, friend…
What we think about ourselves is what we call our “Self Concept”. If you want to discover yours, simply ask yourself: Who am I?
This seemingly simple question is big, really big. Of course, your answers may be different, but most people include: social roles, physical appearance, health, relationships, location, achievements and skills.
How do we form this self concept?
Read Who Am I? »
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