More About Self Talk

Two weeks ago, in part 6 of “Save Your Marriage”, I explained the influence of negative self-talk on relationships. Last week, in part 7, I gave an example of Sally talking to herself about her frustrations regarding her weight. In every relationship, when people talk to themselves about their problem with others in a negative way, things can easily be blown out of proportion.

Self-talk is a natural way of dealing with what happens to us in life and it is typical for men and women alike. It is when the self-talk turns all dark that things start going wrong.

This week, I want to let you in on Allan’s self-talk when planning to hang out with the guys.

Hanging out with the guys

Sally packed her bag and rushed to pick up the kids from music school. The phone rang and Dave was on the other end of the line.

“Hi Sally, I can’t get hold of Allan. Is he home already?”

“No”, said Sally, “He has a meeting till 6”.

“Can you please let him know we are planning to hang out with the guys on Friday?”

“Sure”, said Sally and hurried to her car. The thought of not having to cook on Friday was pleasing. She could take the kids out for a pizza, she thought happily.

Marriage and Self Talk

In “Save your marriage (part 6) – How to get things wrong”, I explained how negative self-talk becomes an obstacle in a marriage.

Although the story about the Jack was about a man, self-talk is typical for men and women alike. In this post, I give you two examples of such imaginary scenarios that can lead to relationship breakdown. I hope that you will be able to recognize yourself in them, learn to “catch yourself in the act”, and switch to positive self-talk and open communication with your partner.

Going Out for a Romantic Dinner

Allan called home from work and invited Sally to a restaurant for dinner. They had discussed this some time before and had both agreed they needed some time out, to refresh and renew the romance between them. Allan invited the babysitter, booked the restaurant and there was nothing Sally had to do but dress for the occasion.

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How to Get Things Wrong in a Marriage

One typical topic appearing in each couples’ counseling or coaching session is the lack of communication between them. It is not that they do not talk. They do, but they talk to themselves in a never-ending self-talk that happens to be negative.

One theory about the reason for marriage breakdown is that one or two of the married couple seem to be trapped in a conversation, in which they talk and they answer on behalf of their partner. In this conversation, their partner is critical and demanding, which makes them treat them with anger later on. When I ask them about their communication, they are very surprised to discover they never actually had these conversations with the other person.

Self-talk is a natural emotional outlet for people. Self-talk is the internal conversation a person has with himself or herself. It is the way to verbalize a person’s thoughts. Self-talk is a good way to handle stressful situations. When they are too overwhelming, people talk to themselves to find ways to handle the situation. They tell themselves the problem is not that big, they tell themselves they have solutions, they tell themselves things that will encourage them to “survive” the situation. Self-talk can be very helpful.

The problem in every relationship appears when the thoughts are negative and later on, the attitude towards the partner can be hostile and negative. People fearing a reaction may tell themselves things on behalf of their partner and react to them as if they have already happened.

Negative self-talk gives freedom to many feelings that do not support marriage like fear, jealousy, anger, frustration and even hate. Such feelings are fertile soil for divorce. It is impossible to find a divorcing couple having feelings of joy, happiness, love or satisfaction. In many cases after divorce, it takes years for people to awaken such feelings.

Read How to Get Things Wrong in a Marriage »

How Would Love Respond?

We were happy to discover that today only, Kurek Ashley is giving away an amazing package of free gifts valued in $2,000, plus 12 chances to win over $190,000 of value in additional prizes, to anyone who buys his new book. It is amazing to have so many personal development gurus’ products, including mine, in one place. I recommend you take a look today.

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How to Save Yourself from Divorce

Soon, Gal and I are going to celebrate our 28 years of our life together. Every year that passes, we get more and more requests for our relationship program from people who are considering divorce.

The good news is that they look for solutions before they “turn off the light and send the actors home”. The bad news is they are in an emotional turmoil and are very very unhappy.

If you have seen the movie Mrs Doubtfire or Kramer vs. Kramer, you have probably had a glimpse of what it means to divorce, although a movie cannot describe even a small portion of the emotional stress people go through when they think about separating.

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I Have a Teen Daughter and I Am Scared

It was Friday evening and our 19-year-old daughter Eden talked again about going to dance Salsa in the city. She had been talking about it for over two months and had never gone. None of her friends had wanted to join and she had not wanted to go by herself. Gal and I decided to go with her (aren’t we the greatest parents?).

It was a feel-good party. There was a band on stage and many dancers on the floor, dancing beautifully. We could watch them for hours. Many people sat on the floor around the dancers and watched with us. Eden was invited to dance with others and we were very happy to see her dancing and shining.

We looked at each other and said, “It was worth coming”, but was it?

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Angels of Love and Demons of Fear

Dark angel looking over box with golden figure inside it

Once upon a time, in a small village, lived a family. They had a small guest house at the back of their property, where people passing by stayed for the night.

All four of their kids helped in the guest house and when they finished their chores, went to play with the other kids – all but the second son, Tom.

Tom was a very quiet and a sad boy. He never smiled, never laughed and the other kids did not want to play with him.

One day, an old man came to the guest house and Tom, who loved listening to the guests’ stories, showed the old man his room.

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Heroes

We all like watching “Heroes” on TV and reading books about strong or creative people who have done things others did not expect them to do. Hearing, reading about or meeting such people is very motivating. Heroism is the courage to face fears, therefore fear and heroes go together.

Fear is a basic human emotion that works like a survival instinct. In a sense, fear helps protect us from danger, though it has reached a point where we see danger even in places where it does not exist.

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Do You Really Believe That Setting a Goal Is Enough to Achieve It?

My immediate answer is “I wish”. I really do. Think about it – how easy it would be if all we needed is to set a goal, write it down (to make sure we will not change it often, based on circumstances) and let the universe take care of it, right?

But I am a person of action. I believe in motion as the ultimate way to growth and I that action speaks louder than words. While the universe is taking care of some of your goals, just because you wanted them, your actions will help you with the rest. When you set a goal and wait for an external source to fulfil it, you fail to help yourself and miss the opportunity to grow.

My Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) teacher did believe that it was enough. She said, “If you really, really want it, it will happen”, but I ask you, “How do you know if you really, really want something? When does your desire become ‘real’?”

When I want something, I can swear I really want it.

You see, some people set goals and do not achieve them, at least for a while, so they accept defeat by saying “Maybe I didn’t ‘really’ want this goal”.

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7 Easy Steps To Detoxify Your Life

Fruits and mint for detox in heart shapes

This happens to many people. They get up one day feeling sick and tired of trying so hard and determine to change. Some of us are lucky to be really sick and are forced to listen to our body and detoxify. I have a group of clients who all know one another (they referred each other to me) and they imitate me saying “Sickness is health” (they say it in a funny way, I must sound very funny when I say it).

Sickness is our body’s way of talking to us. When we are sick, the level of poison in our body has reached a warning level. If we do not stop to detoxify, we can ruin our own life and the lives of the people we love.

Having been very sick during childhood, I was shocked to discover when I was just 16 that my thoughts were pure poison. I had bad thoughts about myself, my abilities and my talents. I had bad thoughts about others around me and, of course, I never took any responsibility over my life. Not that I didn’t want to, but I do not think I knew what it meant.

Well, what do you know? As soon as I realised this, I fought my way back to school (after failing too many subjects and being kicked), I started going out with a boy, I got an excellence scholarship and was sent with the first-ever Israeli youth delegation to Egypt, to help establish new relationships just after the peace agreement was signed between the two countries. You can certainly say this was one of the best “sick and tired” points of my life.

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