When Good Parenting is a Luxury

This week, I ran another Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids program at a local primary school. I had been in contact with that school for over three years now and had run various programs for students and teachers. For three years, ever since our first program, the principal, Cherie, had been trying to organize this workshop and looking for funds to make it happen. While most schools have a parent body that pushes for the workshop, Cherie had had to do it on her own.

As you can imagine, I started the day feeling frustrated with the time it took to arrange the workshop, but here is the story of what happened to the parents and me that got me to a completely different feeling in the end – gratitude.

8:30 am

I set up everything in the beautiful Resource Center next to the Junior Playground. Cherie said she was not sure how many parents would come. In some of the events she had organized for parents, only one or two of them had come. For this workshop, she had personally contacted each of the parents who had been struggling with their children.

“Ronit, we have many struggling parents”, she said to me several times. The school’s academic achievements had been low for many years and the last professional development with the teachers had shifted something in the dynamic of the school and in the academic achievements, so Cherie thought the parents were the next piece of the puzzle.

Read When Good Parenting is a Luxury »

How to Stop Parental Bullying (11)

This is the last post in the bullying series, at least for a while. Bullying is a big problem in our society and many people agree it is a very important one to solve. I believe that every bully is also a victim, that self-confidence is an antidote to becoming a victim of bullying and that parents hold the key to stopping child-related bullying. Parents can learn to treat themselves and their children with respect and become vital contributors to the anti-bullying movement.

Are you with me?

Here are a few more personal development ideas every parent can use to create a bullying-free family and to help build a society without abuse.

Schedule holidays for rejuvenation
Bullied people are weak or at least they are perceived as weak by the bully. Many of them are not sure how to handle the situation and express confusion. If the bullying is ongoing, the stress in their life is constant and affects their productivity, effectiveness and performance at work and at home badly. It is no coincidence that there are days off every week and that every person is entitled to a minimum number of holidays every year. It is necessary for us to rejuvenate and “recharge our batteries”.

Read How to Stop Parental Bullying (11) »

Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender

We live in a society with many stereotypes regarding boys and girls, men and women. Unfortunately, I believe that these stereotypes are not good for our society and that they are a big obstacle to social justice.

I was a discriminated as a girl. I was one of four girls in a family with one son who was considered “the prince”. As funny as it may seem, he was considered the prince by my mom and not by my dad. The boys in the neighborhood did not want me to play soccer with them, until I took a group of girls with me to challenge them in a soccer match and we won. Once, when I wanted to learn ballet, my mom said no dance school would accept me because I was bruised all over from playing soccer and fighting with the boys on the street. I certainly did not live in a place with a lot of gender equity. There were things that boys did and things that girls did and I did not like it one bit.

When I designed my parenting bible, after studying about the psychological development of babies and our social gender trap, I made a decision (I think a brave decision) to raise my kids to respect the other gender and to think they are free to be whatever they want to be without being confined to what boys or girls are expected to do. Acceptance and freethinking starts from a very early age and I am very happy that my kids never talked about “boy germs” or “girl germs” and they are all proud and happy with their gender.

I have to say that I have learned from my dad many of my gender-related bible commandments. He was an awesome role model for social justice and gender equity. He cooked, cleaned, took care of us as babies and later on as kids, when my mom left home very early in the morning. My dad helped us with homework and was (still is) a very arty-crafty man who enjoyed doing woodwork, jewelry, cross-stitching and silk paintings and scarves. Whenever my mom gave my brother exemptions from cleaning, dishwashing or doing laundry, my dad always said my brother must do his fair share.

When I had time to think about gender equity, I used my dad as a role model and decided to add to my bible some do’s and don’ts that will help me raise kids who think their gender was not a way to be superior or inferior.

Read Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender »

The Mean Average

When I was a kid, mothers raised their children according to a famous book by Dr. Benjamin Spock called The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. The book described in detail the various stages of growth and what mothers should expect of their children during each stage. Despite a recommendation to treat each child as an individual, most mothers used the book to measure how well their kids were developing. When there was a difference between what a child could do and what they were “supposed” to do (“See? It says here in the book…”), mothers would feel distressed and often put pressure on the youngsters to perform.

My mother always said, “Gal has never read Spock’s book. He’s just naturally wonderful”, and refused to discuss me and my performance any further. It helped that I ate very well, grew up nicely and that I was a friendly and polite child. Or maybe it was the other way around…

Let’s face it, parenting is scary business. When we have our first baby, we have no clue what to do half the time and we are desperate for signs of progress and indications that we are doing a good job as parents. So we read books, search the Net and ask around. What we get from that are average answers or rather answers about what the average is.

And this is a problem, folks. It is a problem because human beings are very complex biological creatures and not robots.

Read The Mean Average »

How to Stop Parental Bullying (10)

Strong parents can do a lot to help themselves help their children and chase bullying away from them. Yes, it is true that if the bully does not have you or your kids as targets, they will choose someone else, but if the bully does not have any easy targets, it will be much easier to stop and support them.

A lot of energy and resources are given to the victims and their families nowadays. If the victims did not need that much help, it would be easier for our society to help the bullies.

My cure for bullying is a strong family. I believe we can change the picture by giving parents the strength, tools and support to help their families break the bullying cycle.

Here are some more important things parents can do.

Read How to Stop Parental Bullying (10) »

Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners

All parents dream of having polite kids with good manners. Some of the desire for manners is rooted in an old discipline of obedience that was part of every family structure in the past.

I have challenged this quest for good manners for many years. When I was a child, I was very rebellious and hated anything associated with manners. I believe I did that because my parents and my teachers used manners as a way to control their children and students, instead of explaining what manners meant and how we would benefit from using them.

I know many parents who still use external motivation today, repeatedly telling their kids to say “please” and “thank you” without helping them develop their own understanding and motivation. But I believe that when children know what it means to have manners and how they benefit from them, they are polite and show excellent manners naturally and effortlessly.

Kids can tell when they do something to please their parents and when they do it because they want to. After my kids have a sleepover or a party, many of their friends’ parents ask them, “What do you say to Mrs. Baras?” and the child is embarrassed and mumbles, “Thank you for having me”. This is a typical example of how parents confuse following orders (“You do what I tell you to do just because I told you to do it and I am God almighty and you’d better listen to me or else…”) with a lesson that equips children with rules of behavior that will make their life successful and happy.

Read Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners »

How to Stop Parental Bullying (9)

Good parenting is a very important factor in changing the bullying phenomenon. Unfortunately, we live in a world that throws much of the responsibility for kids’ problems and behaviors on the kids, where in fact, although there is no point blaming anyone, parents are still responsible for fixing those problems. Usually, I do not like the concept of “fixing”, but I think fixing is appropriate in this case, because as I believe with all my heart that in the purest, original sense of our existence, we are all kind and warm people who are “damaged” by something along the way, so we fight, thinking there is a threat on us, even if the threat does not exist.

Parents as Role Models
The next 10 tips (this post and the next one) focus on the concept of role modeling. Raising strong kids with confidence so they will not become victims of bullying, not even from you, requires courage, self-awareness and self-control. If your kids see you fighting back and strengthening your confidence, they will think this is the norm.

Read How to Stop Parental Bullying (9) »

Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

If you are a regular reader in this site, you probably know that being a role model is one of my strongest commandments. I adopted it while I was a special education student and we learned how strong our actions are as an example to students. I realized it would be even stronger for or own kids.

Accepting this commandment requires courage and a self-reflection strategy. Being a role model does not mean taking the blame for everything your kids do, but it does mean recognizing your ability to change what they do by modeling a different behavior yourself.

When I present this to parents, I get responses like “If my child is sick, does it mean I’ve modeled it?” and “My child swears, but he’s never heard it at home!” Being a role model does not mean your kids do something because of you or because they have seen you do it, but it does mean that as s role model, you can do the opposite and demonstrate good alternatives. If your child is sick, it is not your fault, but if you are a role model for eating junk, abusing your body and pay attention to them when they are sick, do not be surprised they have resort to this coping mechanism.

Here are just some of my role-modeling commandments.

Read Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model »

How to Stop Parental Bullying (8)

Parents are the most important agents of socialization in our society. Unlike teachers, who are the second biggest influencers on children, the same parents are around their kids while their teachers change. It is only sensible to think that if we want to support kids’ health and wellbeing, we need to support the most important people in their life – their parents.

I came up with the idea of supporting kids by supporting their parents about 20 years ago when I had an early childhood center. I could increase my young kids’ success and confidence whenever I got to the parents and made the partners in the process of education. There was 100% correlation between the success of the child (1½ years old to 4 years old) and the level of their parents’ involvement. My young students could read, do math and solve 60-pieces puzzles. They had the fine and gross motor skills expected of kids 3 years older than they were. At first, their parents did not believe their own eyes, but I just sent all their games and work sheets home so they could see their kids were able to do everything I said they could.

After 25 years in education, I can dare to say that investing in the parents is the most effective investment in children. And as with any investment, the sooner you start, the greater the returns.

I believe that government organizations should be investing in parents, but until that time, I will use this blog to help parents help themselves.

Here are the next 5 tips to help parents stop the cycle of bullying, help themselves and help their children be confident and avoid being bullied, being a bully or being a silent bystander.

Read How to Stop Parental Bullying (8) »

Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Change

Recently, I discussed the concept of a parenting bible with a group of parents in my workshop. A bible, they all thought, was full of gems that everyone must follow. I told them that as soon as they argue about it, it is no longer a gem. I believe that in parenting, there is no “one and only one” bible and what is a rule of life for one parent may not be for another, so there is no point arguing about the rules.

Deciding what to do, what not to do and how to do thing in your life (in this case, in your parenting) depends greatly on your circumstances, your beliefs, values and needs and the destination of your life’s journey. There are no two people on Earth, not even twins, whose life circumstances, beliefs, values, needs and destination are identical. Therefore, we all need different sets of rules.

In parenting, this is even more so, because there are no two people that have the same circumstances, beliefs, values, needs, destination, as well as a relationship with the same person (with the same circumstances, beliefs, values, needs and destination) and the same kids (each with the same circumstances, beliefs, values, needs and destination). Can you see how complicated it is to fit a single set of rules to every parent?

Read Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Change »