Not Fair!

If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes around a group of children, you have heard at least one of them cry, “Not fair!” If you have more than one child of your own, or worse yet, you live in a “blended family” and have some kids who are yours and some who are not, it is very likely you have also heard this cry many times at home. “Not fair!”

In sober grown-up moments, we all know life is not fair, but when things get out of hand and we feel down, that innocent cry rises up inside us too. “It’s not fair! I’m a good boy/girl. Why is this happening to me? I don’t deserve this”.

Young human beings can only experience the world through their own senses. When they are unhappy, they cry and someone makes everything all right again. Later on, they learn to identify that someone as “Mommy” or “Daddy”, but the world still revolves around them and Mommy and Daddy still do whatever it takes to make the child happy again.

As the grow up, kids begin to notice other people, but they only perceive these other people’s effect on them and do not understand that the other people have their own (different) thoughts and feelings. The most they can imagine is that other people feel exactly the way they feel themselves, that they are as cold, as happy or as sad at the same time.

Experimenters asked children what they believed to be the contents of a box that looked like a particular brand of sweets. After they guessed that the box contained sweets, they were shown that the box in fact contained pencils. The experimenters then closed the box again and asked the children what they thought someone else, who has not seen the contents of the box, would think was inside. Children up to age 4 or even 5 said the other person would say, “Pencils”, because they already knew.

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Accepting vs. Expecting Bad Luck

It has been a little while since I last wrote a post (OK, a long while). Sorry for the extended hiatus. I was recently accepted into an honors degree in Psychology and in order to graduate before I am old and grey, I took on some extra subjects. A lot of study and not a lot of sleep going on, but in any case, I have been bursting with ideas for posts. I thought I would put in a quick one for your reading pleasure. The topic: accepting vs. expecting bad luck.

A friend of mine, Ashleigh, has been having a bit of a hard time. Things have been going a little pear shaped and getting a bit too much for her. Unfortunately for my friend, this is somewhat of a recurring theme in her life. In any case, we chatted one night about life, love and the universe, and Ashleigh decided to justify her predicament by saying that bad periods in life should be expected. Things HAVE to go wrong at some point and we should not be surprised when they do.

Well, I do not know about that. I would be the first person to concede that life is a rollercoaster (especially my life!). It has its ups and downs, and you cannot truly appreciate the good things if nothing bad ever happens. But there is a huge difference between accepting bad things and expecting them.

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Complaint-free Life: How to Stop Complaining

There are simple rules to know if you complain and could benefit from doing something about it:

1. If you behave aggressively, rudely, sarcastically or critically towards yourself or others, these are forms of complaint

2. If you want someone else to change something and you tell them so, that is a form of complaint

3. If your feedback is focused on what does not work, that is a form of complaint

4. If you stress about things not happening the way you want them to and you say it, that is a form of complaint

5. If you tell others that they need to appreciate you for not complaining about something, that is … a form of complaint

Before and After

The first thing you need to do is measure your starting point. Rate your level of complaining from 1 to 100. If you complain a lot or are frustrated a lot, give yourself a higher number. If you do not complain much, give yourself a lower number.

This post is part 3 of 3 in the series Complaint-free Life

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Complaint-free Life: What are you complaining for?

Complaining for sympathy

Complainers find at a very early stage of their childhood that crying, originally a form of communication, is in fact a wonderful way to get attention. Crying was OK and normal when they were young, but in a way, complainers that use their complaints to get sympathy and attention are like children who have not evolved. They are a lot like 3-year-olds throwing a tantrum because things are not happening the way they wanted them to. Complainers often complain about themselves and draw attention to their bad heath, lack of skills, abilities and looks and include self-pity.

To overcome this tendency, think of good ways to get attention, use Pride Therapy and draw attention to your successes. You will get much more attention that way.

“The usual fortune of complaint is to excite contempt more than pity”
– Samuel Johnson

Complaints as justification

Many complainers use this strategy to avoid changing. When they are in conflict, they complain about others to force them to change and direct the responsibility away from themselves.

Another reason is to justify being rude or aggressive. If they complain, it means the other person must have done something that deserved their rudeness and aggressiveness. This is a very dangerous belief to have and the associated behavior is a form of abuse.

The third reason is to complain to justify avoidance. If I complain, it means I can postpone making decisions or doing something that I am afraid of doing.

This post is part 2 of 3 in the series Complaint-free Life

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Overcoming Hurts and Anger

In the past few days, I have been reading a book called Overcoming Hurts & Anger (How to Identify and Cope with Negative Emotions) by psychiatrist Dwight L. Carlson M.D. The book was published in 1981, so it is not hot off the press, and there are many references in it to the Christian Bible, which generally took place sometime before 1981 ;P

Nevertheless, the most important thing about books is how they affect our life and how much useful information we find in them, and this book turns out to be quite useful to me. By writing about it here, I hope to make it useful for you too.

Here’s a quick summary of the key ideas in the book:

Anger is the result of unresolved emotions, like frustration, disappointment and rejection. When negative emotions are dealt with, anger does not develop

Anger builds up in layers. We are all creatures of habit and relive our patterns every day. Any dysfunctional situation we encounter is likely to take place again and again, each time adding another layer to what the book calls our “unresolved anger fund”

Regular tantrums, even violent outbursts involving breaking things, are not the same as resolution. They are a desperate attempt to get attention that may lead to resolution, but they resolve nothing. In fact, as you might expect, they make things worse and even worsen the violent person’s feeling of self-esteem, safety and human connection

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Complaint-free Life: Complaints and Complainers

Some people think that life is hard and that the harder it is, the more people complain about it. I tend to think it works the other way around – the more we complain about life, the harder it becomes.

When my youngest sister traveled to the Far East at the age of 20, I made her a journal with many quotes and wishes to accompany her on her journey, which was supposed to take between 6 months and a year. I clearly remember writing “May you stay away from whining, complaining people, for they suck the energy from you”. That happened about 20 years ago, but I still think that complainers make life harder for those around them.

I was a complainer myself until the age of 16. My life has had very distinct turning points and 16 was a big one when I switched from being a complainer to being “action girl” and that was empowering and gave me a lot of control over my life.

We all have things we are not happy about. We just have to be careful not to allow them to take over our entire life. If you are a complainer, there is probably one big reason happiness does not knock on your door – complaints repel happiness. While one occupies your mind, the other one runs away.

The dictionary defines a complaint as a statement that a situation is unsatisfactory or unacceptable. A complaint is a statement that “something is wrong”, but when you see too much “wrong” around you, you start to believe it to be reality. The problem is that some people consider complaining to be a useful form or expression and even part of their identity. Constant complaining starts from insecurity and is very unhealthy for your mind, body and soul.

This post is part 1 of 3 in the series Complaint-free Life

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Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

Being a teenager is not easy. Being a parent of teenagers is not easy either, but there are ways for parents to help make life easier for both. Here is a list of 5 more thoughts that teens have, which your behavior and attitude as a parent can change to make the teen years much nicer.

I must be adopted

“Maybe I was adopted. That explains the way they treat me. I’ve heard them saying I looked like Mom, but I look at my photos as a baby and I don’t look like either one of my parents or even like myself today. They could have adopted me when I was just a baby. That makes sense. I think this is why they love my brother more than they love me.”

What parents can do

Every child has this horrible thought at some stage. It is very natural to question your parents’ behavior as that of adoptive parents. There is no real way to prevent this thought from getting into kids’ mind, but there are good ways to make sure it will go away quickly, before it creates any damage.

Talk to your kids about their birth and talk about it a lot. Kids ask question about their pregnancy and birth to check if all the stories match. If Mom tells one story and Dad tells another one about the same birth, that will be odd, but if they tell the stories over and over and everything matches, they must be true!

This post is part 2 of 4 in the series Troubled Teens

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Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception

People with eating disorders like anorexia often have an exaggerated perception of life. It is as if they see the world through huge magnifying glasses and things that seem minor to others seem huge and overwhelming to them.

If you have anorexia or any other eating disorder, or if you have a child that has it and you want to help, it is important to focus on the thoughts and the mindset and not on the food. Not eating is not the problem. It is the solution that people with a distorted perception find for their problems.

Avoid trying to convince them to eat. It only makes things worse. Anorexic people need control, not a nagger.

Avoid punishing a child who has anorexia. It only increases their helplessness and their desire to control something (ANYTHING) in their life, like what they eat, when they eat and how much they eat.

Generally, anorexic people have a very bad self-image, considering self as useless, not worthy, a failure, stupid, an idiot, etc, and they use every little thing that happens in their life to reinforce it. They use their glasses to look for proof they are worthless and they do not consider single events as temporary or coincidental, but as part of their identity.

Here is a list of thoughts that make big things out of small things and demonstrates the effect of the huge magnifying glasses anorexic people wear. Each one you get rid of will reduce the magnifying effect.

This post is part 4 of 8 in the series Anorexia

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Plastic Surgery: Would You do it?

This week, I went for a ladies’ night out with some friends and we talked about plastic surgery. Most of them were very surprised when I said it was a great idea. They looked at me surprised and said, “Ronit, you?! You are the ‘be happy in life’ person. You believe we need to be happy with ourselves. How can you live with such a contradiction?”

Well, the truth is that I do not see any contradiction at all between having plastic surgery and being happy. But I have to say I did not always think like that.

When I was 16, my best friend wanted to have plastic surgery. When I heard that, I used the same old techniques (those my parents always used) to tell her that “people who are happy with themselves just accept themselves the way they are” and this is when I had a great opportunity to be challenged.

Rene and I became friends about a year after her dad died. She was the youngest in her family and did not cope very well with his death. She asked to go to a boarding school, but that did not work, so she came back to our school in 10th Grade. Rene had the most beautiful skin and lips, but her nose was huge. When I say “huge”, I mean it was so wide, big and lumpy, you could think she had a tumor in it and she hated it.

At one stage, she asked her family to take her to see a plastic surgeon. He told her she was too young to have plastic surgery, so she had to wait, but the more she waited, the worse she felt. Do not get me wrong, she was smart, a good student and had good friends. She just hated her nose.

We talked about it for months and Rene helped me realize I was pumped with thoughts and ideas without really questioning them. We talked about happiness and wanting to change things in your life and in your body. She helped me realize that our life is dedicated to searching for things that will make us happy, yet some things are considered good and others are not, although they serve the same purpose.

What do you think?

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Emotional Summer

I love summer. I could bathe in the sun the whole day. When it is very hot and people wish for a breeze or seek the comfort of the air conditioner, I still prefer the heat. It makes me happy.

When Gal and I lived in Thailand and the humidity was extremely high, I never complained. I take a shower with such hot water that it is too hot for Gal. I have lived in Texas and loved it. I have lived in California (that was OK), Thailand and Singapore (loved it), and now I live in Brisbane, Australia, doing my best to forget the 3 miserable years in Melbourne, Australia, because I was so cold there.

There is a joke that says Melbourne has 4 seasons in one day, because the temperature changes dramatically every couple of hours. I found that to be true, but the only 4 temperatures I recognized were “cold”, “very cold”, “extremely cold” and “freezing cold”. Maybe I have different temperature receptors. I just love the warmth and the heat, and it boosts my health and wellbeing.

Our emotional state is very much like our body temperature. Everyone has different receptors and a different optimal temperature. It is important to understand that we have different ways of reaching our optimal temperature.

In the same way we adjust our water temperature and volume in the shower, Gal and I use different ways of coping with situations in our lives. Gal prefers to talk about the situation and analyzing reasons and options, while I prefer doing things that will make me happy and distract me, at least for a while, until I calm down and consider the situation from a distance and come up with solutions. It is very important to note that both of us, although we use different methods, are trying to reach happiness within.

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