In any relationship, there is a give and take. If we want a relationship to work, the balance between giving and taking needs to suit both parties. If one party is giving all the time and feel they take nothing or take less, this is when trouble begins.
Most people think that give and take needs to be equal. I think it can’t because the definition of equal is different to different people. Do we speak the same words? Do we complement exactly the same amount? Do we take turns causing heartache and pain? Or giving gifts?
Let’s explore this idea of “give and take” in relationships and figure out the magic ratio.
The calculator of give and take
The calculation regarding the give and take interactions are very complicated since every party uses a different calculator.
You gave me a compliment cannot be simply reciprocated with I give you a compliment. Also, do we count compliments daily, weakly, or monthly? What happens if we are in minus compliment this week? Would that work if we make it up the following week? Do I get discounts this week because I had a rough argument with my boss? Do I get extra points for doing what you were supposed to do and forgot?
To understand how we do this “calculation” as humans is better to consider it as a container.
In our mind, we have a container. Let’s call it our energy, motivation, and happy container. The content of this container is made of feel-good particles and feel bad particles. When I had to explain this to children, I called them “glitter” particles and “Black poison” particles.
On each of those particles there is a name of the person who added a substance (glitter or poison) into our container. When we have an interaction with someone, our mind in a split of a second adds up all the good particles and the bad particles with that person’s name and weighs them against each other. More good particles = I feel good about this person and more bad particles = I don’t feel good about this person.
Very simple!
If we meet a person first time, there is still a pattern matching act that our brain does to determine how we feel towards that new person and though we are not aware of it, we bring with ourselves particles from people that look similar, talk similar, dress similar… Every interaction in the past impacts the new interactions and every interaction that follows.
Why?
Because our brain constantly scans for danger!
It is its job! To protect us!
I discovered this when I did my degree in education and my amazing teacher showed us that we have many biases towards or against children in our classes that we formed long time before we have met the children we teach. So, no one, absolutely not a single soul we interact with, is a tabula rasa (clean slate).
The binary concept
It is important to remember that our mind, 100% of the time, rates the interaction. Yes, 100% of the time. It rates the interaction, even if we just meet a beggar on the street, say nothing to him, do nothing.
The brain registers that interaction in our mind and rates it. Every event is stored, for later use in our pattern matching machine that is constantly searching for danger, in order to protect us.
The most simplified way to understand this mechanism is to use the binary mechanism. Zero and one or yes and no, good, and bad, like it and don’t like it.
(I’m being careful here because I don’t think bad is an accurate opposite to good but just to simplify it, we will or if you feel the same as me, pick one of the other binary options)
I say simplified because it is not that simple but when going through the process of understanding how it works, this is a good starting point.
If you have a problematic relationship with someone, it is because the poison was way more than the glitter associated with that person. It means that when you are going to spend energy on the next interaction with that person, you’ll come out short.
Not all compliments are equal
The not so simplified version of the container theory is that not all glitter drops, or poison drops are equal. It is not just the quantity that the brain calculates but also the quality or in our case, the size (or the intensity of that interaction). Some interactions make us feel good; some make us feel awesome.
It is exactly the same with poison. Some interactions make us feel sad and others crush our soul and poison take over.
The fact that not all particles are similar in “size” means that our old hurts, good memories, strengths and weaknesses, courage or fear, optimism or pessimism, happy feelings or sad feeling will accept what was given to us, differently.
A complement to our cooking might have different weight than a complement to the way our children behave, depending on our feelings, history, upbringing, and past events.
It is the same with a joke, not taken as the giver intention, could be perceived hurtful because it hit a nerve of weakness.
It is still “give and take” but not all give and take weighs the same.
I remember that at one stage in my life, after I lost my two babies, I could not tolerate any gathering when parents complained about their children. They did nothing different, but it hit a raw scar, and I was furious when it happened. While in the past, those gathering were rated a very positive interaction because I love people and loved those people, after the loss, the same event with the same people, doing the same thing was registered as a horrible poisonous interaction. It was me, not them.
Our mind calculator not only counts the drops of good and bad interactions, not just give and take but also their weight. It is done chemically and is very accurate.
No Clean containers
The most important thing to remember in relationships is that we never come with a clean container to the next interaction with someone we had relationship with before. I know it is not so easy for people to accept it but none of us has a clean container.
We have containers full of history. Some psychological theories claim we carry in our containers, history from generations ago (I run constellation therapies; it is amazing how we all carry generational traumas).
This is especially true with people we have long relationships with. Marriage is a wonderful example of it.
I work with many couples that while sitting in my balcony, trying to verbalize their calculators and each of them claims “it all started when…” where in fact, nothing, absolutely nothing started with anything one of them did, but started years before their were born (with their upbringing, their parents’ life circumstances and their upbringing and their how their own grandparents grew…).
It is very hard to explain to people who love each other that the reason they feel the give and take is not equal and they are having so severe conflicts over their relationship, has nothing to do with one thing one of them did (or didn’t do) but with the fact that slowly, they neglected to top up their containers.
One couple I worked with didn’t have sex for 13 years. I couldn’t even ask them how they got to this point because I knew exactly how. One day at a time…
Every interaction is stored, the good and the bad even if we are not aware of it. In fact, most of it is there without us being aware.
It is great when we have lots of “good vibes” with a person and it is problematic in our next interaction if we have “bad vibes” with that person.
The magic Ratio
Though we can’t totally erase bad interactions, Gottman and Levenson discovered how we can overcome too much “bad vibes” with their discovery of their Magic ratio: 5-to-1. And this is where our give and take comes in.
Based on their research, Gottman and Levenson, in their research during the 70’s examining thousands of couples, found out that the relationship will survive if for every one bad interaction, there will be five good interactions. They found out that when this ratio is kept, harsh conflicts will be sorted and our relationship with that person will not be murky and poisonous.
Again, not all good interactions have the same weight, and not all bad ones are similar in size. Gottman found in his research that anger presented in an interaction can have a smaller negative weight if it is expressed without contempt, criticism or as a defense.
In simple terms, while anger is sure considered negative, it weighs more poison if it includes contempt, criticism or used as a defense.
Word of warning: If one of you feel defensive in an interaction, this will be registered as a bad event. Take a step back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good interactions to counter the bad ones, can be: show genuine interest, ask their opinion, compliment, be grateful, optimistic, focus on the good things, express physical affection by touch, kiss, hug, be supportive, encouraging, smile, be a fan, help, apologize, seek opportunities to agree, listen more (talk less), be playful, be kind, romantic…
It is all energy
The problem we have in our relationships is that the value of what we give is not always similar to what we take. It is the “price” we pay in every interaction that counts. This price is also called “Energy.”
Relationships are an exchange of energy. We give some of our energy to an interaction and we receive some in return.
The relationship is good when we come out of the other side of the interaction (the sum of all interactions) with more than we gave.
Ronit Baras
It is easy to understand it when we give the example of a mom who just gave birth to her baby.
A mother gives her body, her sleep, her breast, her time, and she gets in return affection, love, touch, power, excitement, pride, meaning, hope… This is what helps her survive sleepless nights. Without it, our population will dwindle, because no one would bring more than one child to the world.
Mothers and babies are wonderful give and take relationships, but what mom gave was not what she received from the interaction.
She gave what she could (or thought she could) and took what the other person (her baby in that case) could give her.
Please note: Many times, someone gives, the other is not able to recognize it.
Many relationship breakups happen when the interactions have more poison than glitter. Gottman was so good in his research that his predictions regarding the chances of the couple staying in together were so high it was mind blowing.
Give and take is an exchange of energy, and we must come out of the other side of it, with more energy than we give.
Problems increase when the couple (or any two people. in this exchange) both go through a tough patch and find it hard to give or notice when someone else is giving them something.
If the couple had good relationship before, with so many glittering particles in their containers, all they need to do is hang in there and use their “good times” interactions to take them through the storm.
If the couple had challenges before, this “rough patch,” even if it were external to the relationship, will increase the poison of the relationship could cause it to end.
In healthy relationships, give and take is measured moment by moment and accumulated over time, much like savings in a bank account. Every kind word, act of care, moment of listening, and willingness to show up becomes an emotional deposit.
These good interactions don’t disappear; they are stored. When conflict, stress, or disappointment inevitably arise, the relationship draws on those savings. Without them, even small tensions feel threatening. With them, difficult moments are easier to navigate, forgiven more quickly, and held with trust rather than fear.
Good interactions are like savings for a rainy day and trust me, as someone who has been in the same relationship for over 46 years, I can tell you rain will come.
What can you do?
I think this saving account needs to be full as much as possible. As always, don’t wait for a rainy day to fill it up. Rainy days are withdrawal days. Focus on filling it up on sunny days when relationships are going well.
Here are 10 simple, powerful ways couples can fill their emotional savings account.
- Stop complaining, judging and criticising, blaming, nagging, bribing, punishing, threaten (Glasser 7 sins) – Every one of those behaviours empties the savings, fast. Those were also Guttman’s biggest obstacles in relationship. When you do it, you literally destroying your relationship with your own hand.
- Listen without fixing – Being fully present and allowing your partner to be heard is one of the strongest deposits you can make. Don’t try to fix your partner, don’t try to fix his/her problem. Just be there to listen.
- Offer small, daily kindnesses – A text, a smile, a cup of tea, or a gentle touch adds up more than grand gestures. Small acts build trust! Trust means the saving account is full.
- Express appreciation out loud – Saying “thank you,” “I see you,” or “I appreciate you” builds emotional security. Remember, trust is the issue here.
- Keep your word – Reliability creates trust, and trust is a high-interest deposit.
- Repair quickly after conflict – Don’t wait too long after a conflict to sort the relationship. The longer you wait the harder it is. Apologizing, clarifying, or reconnecting prevents emotional debt from piling up.
- Never neglect your sex life – Enjoyable sex is a wonderful deposit. Sex is not only about pleasure it is emotional reassurance, bonding, feeling chosen and desire and for repairing after stress. If there is no physical reason for lack of sex, both partners feel rejected, which draws from savings fast.
- Show interest in their world (including inner world) – Ask about their day, thoughts, fears, and dreams and simply listen when they share. Listening is an act of giving.
- Stop comparing yourself to your partner or your partner to anyone else. – Comparison’s purpose is to put one person in a higher position than the other. Remember, give and take are not equal and we don’t want to make our partner defend himself/herself in anyway. I would even say that comparison in order to compliment your partner are not appropriate.
- Respect boundaries and differences – Feeling safe to be oneself strengthens the relationship’s foundation. When the boundaries are blur, so is the relationship. Give and take in this aspect is simply live and let live!
- Share positive experiences together – Laughter, play, and shared memories are long-term investments. Pay attention to the “positive.” If it is a negative experience and you keep discussing it, it empties your savings. In life you get what you focus on!
- No conditions to love – relationships include “give and take” but when we start conditioning what we give, we turn on our partner’s calculator immediately and we lose immediately. Why? Because only our partner knows the value of what he gave. Love is unconditional, when we start with conditions, it is no longer love.
- Focus on giving rather demand it – Give and you shall receive! What the other person gives, is not yours to demand. It is his/her to… choose to give! Only your partner knows what he or she is able to give. Only your partners know the energy calculation.
- Support during stress – Standing by your partner when it’s hard deepens trust. Notice when your partner is stress or going through a hard patch. During that time, be available!
- Choose connection over being right – in other words, choose your battles. Prioritizing connection over winning. I see many couples that lose the relationship over being “right.” Don’t fight over every small thing. You don’t have to say anything that is in your head. The focus on “together’ preserves the account when it matters most.
Final words
Though you can’t possibly imitate your superior calculator. You can remember it with every interaction.
Remember the 1:5 Gottman’s ratio and think of your relationship saving account. It is your life’s purpose to fill up all your relationships savings accounts and yes, it takes energy, but when this account is full, you get more energy than withdraw energy.
I’m sure you’ll say things that will be perceived as hurtfully even if you don’t mean it. You are human and it is part of life. Just take into consideration that the other person will do the same. Say things that were not mean to heart but did.
I believe the currency in life is to make other people feel good about themselves in our presence. This is the foundation of charisma.
Charismatic people constantly focus on giving. What they take in return is a good feeling of making others feel good about themselves. People with charisma are the wealthiest people on earth because their saving account is always full.
If you want to have a full saving account with your partner, focus on filling it up with good vibes, good feelings, good thoughts, good glitter, and happy moments with your name attached to the experience.
Never waste a day without deposit. You will need it next time you both go through a rough patch.
If you want help in making your relationship happy and health, check our relationship coaching program.
Happy relationships!
Ronit
Save Your Marriage Post Series
- Self-Regulation in Your Marriage
- How to Save Yourself from Divorce
- Marriage and Divorce Statistics
- The Marriage Institution
- Marriage is the Foundation of Families
- The Unpleasant Side of Divorce
- How to Get Things Wrong in a Marriage
- Marriage and Self Talk
- More About Self Talk
- Facts vs. Meaning in Marriage
- All Men Are… All Women Are…
- When Two Do Not Become One
- Marriage and Money
- Be Your Partner’s Best Friend
- Relationship Between Two Onions
- The Greatest Gift: Stay Together
- Marriage of Singles
- The "Right" Trap
- The Intention Trap
- Best Marriage Quotes that Will Change Your Life
- 10 Rules for Civilized Dialogue
- 10 Tips for Re-Building Trust
- The King and His Servants
- The Nitpicker
- Expressing Feelings in a Marriage
- Don’t Be On Guard
- Don’t Clam Up
- Have Good Sex to Save Your Marriage
- Trust (or The Boy Who Cried Wolf)
- Emergency Relationship Coaching Essentials
- Save Your Marriage with Better Time Management
- Choice Theory Can Save Your Marriage
- How to Have a Hot Relationship
- A Respectful Relationship Will Save Your Marriage
- How Sarcasm in Relationships Ruins Trust and Communication
- The Magic Ratio of Give and Take in Relationships
