A Respectful Relationship Will Save Your Marriage

Respect is crucial for every relationship, and the foundation of every successful marriage. The problem in every relationship arises when we feel under attack, respect goes out the window.

It is easy to be respectful when everything is good and lovely. The real test comes when things are not easy and we no longer feel trusting, safe and secure.

Still, I think it is good to understand what a respectful relationship looks like, so you notice when you are not in that zone.

Respect can be difficult

Respect between two people is the ability to accept each other as they are, even if they don’t agree on their differences.

So, there are two parts to respect: overcoming differences and overcoming disagreements.

In marriage, or any relationship, we always need to overcome these two challenges. We are talking about two different people and with natural human disagreements. After all, both have had different life experiences, and neither is in a relationship with their own clone.

There are three other values that are part of the definition of respect: acceptance, assertiveness and kindness (in this order).

Our basic ability to understand that others are different from us develops (or doesn’t) in our early years, when we are babies and need to first understand that we are not one with our mother!

We are born thinking that we are one with our mom (we just want to eat, and she comes to feed us), and the more secure our relationship is with her, the more we can let go of the idea that she is part of us.

Basic respect rule

Basic respect comes from a basic belief that we are different and that it is OK to be different.

The basic respect rule is the golden rule that all spiritual beliefs are based on: Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you. Or, put it in a positive spin, love your neighbor as you love yourself. Love your partner as you would like to be loved.

Behaviors of respect

Let’s examine behaviors that show respect. Check yourself and see if you behave like that in your interactions, especially with your partner.

Please pay attention to the two obstacles to respect: difference and disagreement. Every respectful relationship overcomes one or two of those challenges. All disrespectful relationships have a problem with one or two of them.

30 tips for a respectful relationship

1. Being considerate to other person’s time, effort, when they sleep, when they are sensitive, and you know about it… Being inconsiderate is being unable to accept that others are simply different.
2. Clean up after yourself. Otherwise, a partner feels a servant and that you are not respecting someone his/her time and feelings.
3. No name calling, no swear words, no aggressive tone of voice. Those turn on the defense mechanism.
4. Follow the rules that were agreed. Trust is precious and most challenges with couples start when the rules, verbal or non-verbal, are not followed anymore.
5. Keep a promise. Show the other person you are trustworthy.
6. Be humble. This is I’m OK, You’re OK philosophy.
7. Respectful status: No one is more or less important. The second you start talking about who is more important, you have lost respect for each other.
8. Remember your way is not “the right way” of doing things. The right way and the kind way are not the same. Those with this attitude can’t live with disagreements. Most couples struggle with the “right” thing to do. If the discussion is about who is right, that’s disrespectful!
9. Let go of thinking anyone is superior or inferior in anyway. We are all good at some things and not as good with other things. It is part of being human and different.
10. Have judgment but don’t be judgmental. Being judgmental is disrespectful. It is not accepting others and their different way of being or doing things.
11. Talk less and listen more. When we talk, we only say what we already think, when we listen, we show respect to the way other’s think and accept that difference.
12. Focus on similarities rather than differences. Again, this is in the heart of respect we are different, and we agree about it.
13. Live and let live. Respect religion, beliefs, preferences, culture and other life choices. If you don’t do that, go back to the definition of respect and realize that this is a huge source of your suffering.
14. Give each other space. The more you spend time together as a couple, the more space you will need. It is a reminder that no matter how long you would be together, you are not one. Trust me, I know. Gal and I have been together 45 years, and we are still not one.
15. Keep privacy. Don’t share personal things with anyone your partner is not comfortable with being exposed to. If you need to share for your own health and wellbeing, find someone who is trustworthy and if this is a challenge, use a professional help.
16. Don’t gossip on your partner. Gossip is when we abuse the information, we have on someone else for personal gain of having some kind of an advantage. You do it because you feel disadvantaged. The rule is: if you would say it to the person in the face, it is Ok, if not, that’s gossip, and it is disrespectful. I like the rule that says “if you have something good to say about your partner, go ahead. If not, shut it up”
17. Respect your partner’s possessions. Everyone has possessions that have emotional value to us. We highly care about them, and we need to treat other’s possessions as valuable too. Taking someone else’s things without permission is called stealing. It is an offence, whether by law or in relationship.
18. Treat your partner’s body the same way you would treat yours. If you violate it. It’ll ruin the relationship. If couples understood that this is the same with your partner’s mind, which is part of his/her body, we would not have any challenges at all.
19. Maintain eye contact as much as possible when talking to show you are present.
20. Insults, condescending phrases, threats, criticism, sarcasm, complaints, patronizing, blaming, demanding, are all forms of disrespect. It means you don’t accept the differences, and you can’t live with the fact you don’t think the same.
21. Be assertive. Express your needs clearly without hurting anyone else.
22. Agree to disagree. When you reach a point where you are stuck. Learn phrases that say, “We think differently. I’m OK, You’re OK”.
23. Accept that everyone is doing the best they can. Again, if something goes wrong, assume people are good in nature. So is your partner.
24. Let go of your assumptions before every conversation. Assumptions are our way of closing the door to different possibilities.
25. Avoid using the word “But”. It is simple, the definition of “but” is “what I think is more important than what you think”. Not in a respectful relationship!
26. If someone is hurt from something you have said/done, you don’t have to apologize for what you have done, because obviously you haven’t done it with bad intentions. You can empathize with the other person’s feelings. You don’t take blame. You show respect to the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry you feel hurt”.
27. Never abuse your power over your partner. That makes you a bully! The only superpower we can use is the power to make our partner feel good about themselves. And we have that power because this is why we are together.
28. Give time, attention, food, resources and skills with joy, not with guilt feelings.
29. Be Polite. Wait for your turn, and say please and thank you. It shows you are considerate to the other person’s feelings.
30. Practice empathy and compassion. We can only do these two things when we are secure within ourselves. In a respectful relationship, the other person’s feelings are their own, and they are important, even when they are challenging.
31. Offer help. When you do that, don’t try to insert yourself. Just say, “I’m here for you, if you need me”.
32. Be kind. It shows you are confident with the differences.

Summary

If you want to have a good relationship with your partner and save your marriage and relationships, the most important thing to do to live in a respectful relationship is to respect yourself.

Remember that everything you say is a projection of what you think about yourself. Every time you disrespect someone else, you are in fact showing disrespect toward yourself. It means you don’t accept yourself as is and have doubts about yourself.

A respectful relationship is a happy relationship.

Happy day!
Ronit