We all know that warm, melting feeling when someone says, “I love you.” Three simple words, yet they reach every cell of our body like sunlight warming a cold room. We crave hearing them, and if we’re confident enough, we enjoy saying them too.
Love nourishes us — research shows that love strengthens our immune system, increases happiness, expands longevity, and even impacts financial wellbeing. The greatest thing in life is simply to love and be loved in return.
But here’s the strange, painful truth…
Many parents love deeply, fiercely, endlessly — but they struggle to express it.
And this is what I call the Generational Disability of Love.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage.Lao Tzu
Understanding the Generational Disability of Love
Most parents I meet in my parenting workshops have never heard “I love you” from their own parents. Not once. And because those words weren’t part of their emotional vocabulary… they find it hard to say it to their own children.
Love is there. Expression is not.
It’s like trying to speak a language you were never taught.
If love was never spoken to you, it simply doesn’t sit ready on your tongue.
Ronit Baras
Imagine this as a cycle, almost like a family heirloom — except instead of a precious object, it’s silence.
Parents who don’t express love raise children who grow up struggling to express love, who raise children who grow up struggling to express love… and so on, sometimes for hundreds of years.
And it doesn’t stay only in the parent–child relationship. It leaks into marriages, friendships, sibling relationships — even workplace dynamics. It goes from one generation to another one. It is Generational disability of love.
But here’s the good news: You can be the one who stops the cycle!
Love Is All Around — Even When It’s Not Said Out Loud
Inability to say “I love you” does not mean there is no love.
I repeat, because this is important:
Not hearing “I love you” is not proof that love wasn’t there.
But children don’t know that. Partners forget it. Crisis makes it invisible.
In my relationship coaching sessions, I hear this sentence far too often:
- “He never loved me.”
- “She never loved me.”
And yet, these are couples who built a life together, raised children, went through challenges side by side. People don’t invest in relationships they don’t care about. But crisis — conflict, stress, hurt — clutters love. It blinds us.
Crisis acts like fog — it hides the love that was always there.
Ronit Baras
I know this deeply, personally.
My Own Story: Learning I Was Loved Too Late
I spent most of my childhood convinced my parents didn’t love me.
Why?
Because:
- They were angry and scary
- They criticised me
- They had high expectations of me
- They disapproved and were disappointed in me
- They punished me
- They didn’t buy me things
To a child, these felt like signs of rejection.
Children are emotional mathematicians — they add everything up and come to their own conclusion. Mine was: “I am not loved” (with many other ones like “I’m not enough” and many more).
I had never heard “I love you.”
It was only after my first daughter was born, when my mum came to help for a week, that something inside me cracked open. She held my daughter with so much joy, she sang to her, she talked to her constantly and showered her with so much love in a way that I have never seen . Suddenly, I realised:
If she could love my daughter that deeply, she must have loved me too.
It was late — not too late — but late.
And in that moment, I decided the generational disability of love, the cycle, ends with me.
When Love Is Present, But Pain Speaks Louder
In my work, I’ve seen the opposite too.
For many people, the birth of their first child doesn’t reveal love — it reveals pain. Their love for their baby is so huge that it highlights how little love they felt growing up.
Remember: crisis clutters love. And unresolved childhood hurt is a lifelong crisis waiting for a trigger.
Some realise they were loved. Some realise they weren’t.
Most hover somewhere in between — a foggy mix of affection and emotional confusion.
The Five Love Languages: Your Emotional Dictionary
One of our society’s biggest challenges is believing there is only one way to express love.
Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, changed that understanding for me and changed my life (and as a result the lives of thousands of my clients). Chapman explains that there are many dialects of expressing love and they fall under five languages.
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
If you think of love as food, each of us has a favourite flavour.
Some people need the sweetness of words. Some need the warmth of touch. Some need the calm of time together. Some need the generosity of gifts. Some need the support of practical help.
My parents expressed love through acts of service. That was their love language.
Mine is words of affirmation. No wonder I didn’t feel loved.
What a waste of love.
Learning a New Love Language Is Like Learning a New Alphabet
Saying “I love you” to my kids was hard. Painfully hard. I had never heard it; My affirmation bucket was empty from love expressions. My emotional dictionary didn’t have that entry. So, I began small.
I used other words: “My love”, “My gorgeous”, “My soul”. In Farsi, “Joon” means “soul.” It’s a term of endearment. I added it to each of my children’s names: Eden Joon!, Tsoof Joon!, Noff Joon!
My youngest was so used to hearing it that when she had to write her second name on a form, she wrote “Joon” (she doesn’t have a second name — she just assumed that was it).
This expression became so woven into our home that my granddaughter is now “Ayla Joon.” And she uses it back at us, to her dad, mum and even her other grandparents who speaks a totally different language. Love, when expressed, becomes contagious.
Then came the “password.” A love phrase that grew with us:
“My mummy loves me to the moon and back”… “Million, million.”
Our two-year-old granddaughter knows this is the code. When I ask, “How much does Grandma love you?” she answers: “Million, million.”
And my heart melts every single time.
Love as a Work in Progress
I’ve spent decades expressing love in all five languages. Some come naturally.
- Affirmations? All the time.
- Acts of service? Easy.
- Quality time? I make space for it.
- Touch? Hugs and kisses every hello and goodbye.
- Gifts? Still my weakest, but I try.
Expressing love is not a talent — it’s a practice.
A habit. A conscious effort. A daily choice.
When I learned about the five love languages, I could no longer say, “My parents never loved me. “They loved me dearly — in their way.
And once I recognised that, crisis no longer destroyed my sense of being loved.
In many of my workshops, when we get to this section. I have many participants, young and old, man and women in tears, realizing how much they were loved. They understood they were carrying a generational disability to express love. It is no one’s fault, but it is our responsibility to stop it.
Three Things That Changed My Life Forever
Deeply understanding love languages shifted everything for me.
1. I realised how much I was loved.
This was life-changing.
Can you imagine how children grow when they know they are loved — without question? Their confidence, resilience, emotional security… everything grows stronger.
2. I stopped the generational disability.
I stopped blaming my parents. I stopped waiting for them to say what they themselves never heard. I realised that every generation does the best it can with what it has.
3. I learned to express love in many different ways.
So my children would have a full emotional toolbox. So they wouldn’t have to guess. So their love buckets would be full — not only in times of joy, but also in times of crisis.
When my eldest was born, it was at the end of my education degree. Naturally, I have used all five love languages. I told her how wonderful and how much she made me happy, (affirmation) I spend hours with her, (quality time) I cuddled her, (physical touch) I bought her toys and clothes (gifts) and took care of all her needs (parenting is acts of service 24/7).
As a new mother, I started making a list of ways to say, “I love you” It made it so easy. My kids, grownups today and even my granddaughters, say I love you every time we say goodbye. We did stop the cycle.
How to Break the Generational Disability of Love
As you understand by now, our generational disability to express love is real. There is so much love going around and it wasted because we don’t feel it and we pass this to our children. The good news: it is easy to stop.
Here are simple steps any parent can take — starting today.
1. Identify your love language
Ask yourself: “What makes me feel most loved?”
Hint: It’s usually what you complain you’re not getting.
2. Identify your child’s love language
Watch for what they give. Children express love in the way they want to receive it.
3. Practise saying “I love you” in small ways
Write a note. Whisper it at bedtime. Say it casually in the car. Text it once a week.
Like any muscle, it strengthens with use.
4. Mix the languages
- Give affection
- Spend quality time
- Offer help
- Say kind words
- Surprise them occasionally
5. Heal your own emotional wounds
Because love flows easier from a healed heart. This is where coaching can help immensely — for individuals, couples, families or children. Emotional healing creates emotional freedom.
You can explore more at: Be Happy in Life.
Start Your Own “100 Ways to Say I Love You” List
As you all know, I’m a teacher and great believer in practice, practice and practice. If you learn to express love, eventually it will be easy to do it.
I do hope you don’t have too much trauma with the idea of homework (it is called homework because you have to do it in the comfort of your own home). So here is my homework to you: make a list of the 100 ways to say I love you.
Take 10 minutes today and begin your own list. You don’t need 100 today. You can start with five.
Just write:
- small gestures
- words you can say
- things you can do
- moments you can offer
Many of my clients share this with their families and they make the list together. Keep the list somewhere visible — like a kitchen drawer, phone notes, a journal, or stuck to the fridge and promise yourself to express it every day.
Every time you add a new idea, every time you express love, you break the generational disability a little more.
Every time you express love intentionally, you teach your child something priceless:
Love should not be guessed. It should be felt. Clearly, deeply, daily.
Let’s break the generational disability of love!
Breaking the Generational Disability of Love is not about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about choosing to express what you already feel.
You don’t need to say it like anyone else. You don’t need to match someone’s language. You just need to show love — in your way, and in their way too.
Because when you do, you raise children who grow up knowing, with certainty, that they are loved.
And that certainty follows them everywhere — into school, friendships, relationships, and their own future families.
When love is expressed freely, children grow into adults who don’t doubt their worth.
Ronit Baras
May love be a big part of your life. And may you be the one who changes the cycle forever.
With love,
Ronit
Your Turn — Let’s Start a Conversation
Have you experienced the generational disability of love in your family? Do you know your love language — or your child’s? What small gesture could you try today?
Share your thoughts in the comments. Your story might help another parent realise they’re not alone.
Make a List
