Bully Parents

Bully parents are a very dangerous phenomenon in our society, because parents are supposed to be the people who protect their kids from bullying. Yet, as I have described in previous chapters, there are many parents who feel weak and lack the emotional intelligence to maintain a sense of control without bullying someone else. Being smaller and weaker makes kids easy targets for them.

It is parents’ “job” to provide for their kids’ basic needs:

They need to give them a sense of trust
They need to build their kids confidence and prepare them for independent life
They need to provide their kids with a sense of security (physical, social and emotional)
They need to give them a sense of love and belonging
They need to provide their kids with food, drink, air, shelter, education…
They need to provide understanding and support (physically and emotionally)
They need to give them verbal encouragement
They need to provide their kids a sense of fairness within the family
They need to spend with their kids
They need to provide healthy environment (food, physical)

It is not easy to provide for kids all the above needs. However, some parents do the opposite by bullying their kids.

Why are there bully parents?

Parents bully their kids because they have been bullied themselves as children or they are being bullied by someone else (often severely or continuously for a long time – see Workplace Bullying). This creates a never-ending cycle of parents who bully their kids, causing them to grow up and bully their own kids (and other people at work) and so on.

Often, people who have been bullied as children do not realize that their behavior is bullying. When you grow up in a place where bullying is the norm, you accept it as part of life and behave accordingly.

I am sure you have gone to a friend’s home many times and discovered that they ran things differently, which questioned the way things are done in your family. In the past, aggressive behavior, physical violence and abuse of power were part of daily life – kids were physically beaten at school with a cane or denied food or sleep as part of a discipline method that was totally controlled by their parents.

When kids are bullied at home and have never learned ways to resolve conflicts peacefully, they react in an aggressive way when things seem to get out of control with their own kids. Had they lived in a home where the parents set a good example of conflict resolution, they would have developed healthy ways to handle challenges and difficulties.

Childhood bullying is also connected to challenge in handling emotions, lack of self discipline and inability to manage stress, which causes people to react in a snappy, impulsive way to things that seem difficult. Because their parents were responsible for teaching communication and used abuse as a way to communicate, they grow up lacking communication skills, which increases their frustration with communication with their kids and makes them more aggressive and violent.

Growing up in a home where Dad was abusive towards Mom can send a message that women are weak and need to be controlled, which can be directed later towards kids as well. Some men bully their wives and daughters as a result of growing up in at a time and place where women had no say.

Some parents bully their kids because they are bullied at work. Feeling weak because of lack of power at work increases the risk of neglecting kids from overwork, not being able to support the kids because of emotional drain and lashing out at the kids as an outlet.

Another reason parents are bullies is that they are bullied by their partner, which makes them feel inferior, so they turn on their kids.

There are two forms of parent bullying: Physical, Emotional (including social).

Parents’ physical bullying

Physical bullying is an act of physical aggression that causes injury.

Shaking a baby or a toddler (can lead to brain injury)
Drug or alcohol use in pregnancy (can seriously damage the baby)
Physical punishment – linking the child’s actions with physical consequences
Beating
Slapping
Hitting
Kicking
Pinching
Pushing
Hair pulling
Throwing the child
Denial of food
Preventing the child from going to the toilet or washing
Making the child to do what the parent wants by physical force
Use of objects to cause pain, like belting or burning the skin with cigarettes or a hot iron
Sexual abuse – any kind of sexual act between an adult and child, including revealing genitals, exhibiting pornography, telling sexual stories, forcing a child to touch adult genitals, sexual intercourse, penetration, rape and child prostitution

Kids are at a higher risk in families living in isolation, orphanages and families in financial crisis. Again, some parents do not even recognize that this behavior is bullying, because they grew up with such parents (or carers) themselves.

Parents’ emotional bullying

Emotional bullying is harder to detect, but its impact is huge and last for a long time. Parents sometimes behave in such a way thinking they are doing what is normal or even doing their kids a favor. Parents’ emotional bullying can be done by aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior that creates humiliation and/or fear.

Threatening
Name calling
Using foul language
Insulting, especially in public
Creating competitions between siblings
Negative gender-related comments (you play like a girl!)
Negative remarks about preferences
Negative comments about skills
Favoritism towards one child
Causing fear of physical bullying
Sarcasm
Shouting
Unreasonably strict rules
Telling the child it would be better if they were not born
Telling the child the parent does not want him or her
Controlling the child’s every movement
Continuous criticism
Competing with the child
Unfair punishment
Violation of the child’s privacy
Ignoring and neglect
Uncompromising perfectionism
Exposing the child to violence, drugs, extensive alcohol use or crime
Prevention of social interaction (with friends, other partner, grandparents)
Slavery – helping at home is reasonable, but having to earn enough money to pay for school or for your own food as a child is illegal

In every family, there is some kind of emotional bullying, mainly because there is a fine line between what is considered abuse and what is part of our role as parents. While some call forcing kids to eat what is on the table bullying, others may call it educating them to appreciate money and health. Unfortunately, because the line between them is so fine, parents can, with no bad intention, justify themselves by thinking this is the way they have been brought up or that without it, they will lose control.

Each form of bullying of parents towards their kids causes a problem in their physical and emotional development. Sometimes, it can even affect their cognitive development. The earlier the abuse is and the longer it continues, the more severe the damage will be and the longer it will impact the child’s life. In most cases, the effects of a serious act of bullying will be there forever and there is a high probability the abused child will grow up to be a bully too.

Bully parents’ effects on their children

Here are some findings about the impact of bully parents’ abuse on their kids:

Most of the kids who suffer bullying from their parents bully their own kids
Kids who suffer from parental bullying become suspicious of other people
Kids who suffer bullying by their parents have difficulties maintaining relationships as adults
Kids who suffer bullying by their parents have lower self-esteem, problems with concentration, more learning difficulties and lower academic achievements
Kids who suffer bullying by their parents are less likely to take on challenges because of fear of failure. They expect less of themselves and achieve less
About 80% of kids subjected to long periods of physical abuse develop a mental disorder: depression, panic attacks, paranoia or social isolation
Kids who suffer bullying by their parents tend to show aggressive behavior. They sometimes even become extremely violent
Some kids who suffer bullying by their parents become self-destructive (self-harm, suicide)
Kids who suffer bullying by their parents are more likely to have sleeping problems and eating disorders
Kids who suffer bullying by their parents are more likely use alcohol and drugs to ease their emotional pain

The impact on kids’ health and wellbeing and their ability to function as independent adults is reduced significantly when growing up with bullying parent.

Join me next week for a self-awareness activity every parent should do to examine their own home and take immediate action.

Until then, happy parenting,
Ronit

This post is part of the series Bullying:

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Amberwhitcthurch

How do I stop my ex to stop bullying my kids where do I get help
Gal Baras

Amber, depending on where you are and what you mean by “bullying”, you may be able to get help from the Police, Social Services, Child Protection, the family courts and even from the local community leaders you and your ex belong to.
Pam0416

Ever since I could remember: There was always drama and chaos surrounding my Mother’s family. Her mother turned a blind eye to what was going with her older sister who was the ultimate bully. Not only was she a bully, but a know-it-all (and god forbids you should give your opinion about anything with respect to what the conversation is about. But, I am not here to talk about that. My mother married very young to a man who worshiped the ground she walked on. She married at 20 to get out of the house – but resided in the same neighborhood. As I was growing up (and I have one sibling who is 2 years younger than I) I was terrorized by my mother. She would hit us with anything available, straps, wooden spoons, hangers, pull or hair, push us around and even pushed us in the face a couple of times – one of those times my sisters’ nose bled. Than she was sorry. My father had two jobs to give us a good life – he was a longshoreman and a taxi driver. I lived in Manhattan’s Lower East Side – a lower-middle class neighborhood in a one of the better housing developments at that time (the 1950’s). I don’t know why, but I got the worst of it. She was emotionally, psychological and physically abusive mostly I was the target – In front of certain people she was loving and different – but not all the time – she pulled out her abusive nature in front of her family. For the least little mistake – like dropping a dish, or not being able to figure out a math problem or coming home 5 minutes late we were screamed at, terrorized, threatened and usually beat up. My father was not aware that this was going on, or if he did, he turned a blind eye to it. This went on for decades (I am now 57, she is 78) and I was always mildly depressed. At the time they called dysthimia, than clinical depression where I had to be hospitalized – I thought about suicide so many times and even attempted it several times and was lucky to be alive. She would blow up without provocation. If she didn’t like the way we cleaned our room – we were beat up – if she didn’t like the way we ate or not eat certain things are hair was pulled. I remember when I was 5 years old – my family took my sister and me to Miami – our first real vacation as a family. I remember being a restaurant and my mother ordered something that I didn’t like – the smell made me nauseous – she forced me to eat it – and I tried but felt like throwing up – she took me into the restroom and beat the crap our of me. At 5 years old. I was so terrified of her. I had no self-esteem, I felt like I was ugly and stupid, and later on crazy. I also remember she left me to her crazy sister to watch me, I was 3 years old. While I was on the floor playing with a doll my aunt (her sister whom she did not get along with) was fighting with her very sick husband who was dying of lung cancer – fighting and carrying on was like a sport for her. She slammed her hand on the table and the old fashioned percolator full of steaming hot coffee fell over the table and streamed onto my leg – I got lst, second and third degree burns – I still remember this to this day.
I remember when I was in my 20’s I left her house (we were now living in Florida) – I married the first man I met – after 7 weeks – he was English from London – and when they met him they accused him of marrying me for a green card – my husband got extremely upset and took me to live in England – then she really got pissed off – made over seas phone threatening me with all kinds of crap. I was afraid to come back to the states to visit. So now at 57 – unfortunately my 82 year old father has Stag 4 terminal cancer – she is now abusing him – yes she takes care of him perfectly – cleaning up after him – he has a urine bag and an ostemy bag is very week – and she constantly berates and threatens him – I could see that he is withdrawing. Another issue is when I got very ill with the depression (now the diagnosis changed to bipolar II disorder) I lost my business, my husband left me- not the English husband whom I adored – but she made sure to break that up – but another bully in sheep’s clothing who taught shop in a middle school – well as I sad before he left me. My mother paid for the divorce, I had a terrible lawyer got screwed – I was not on the title of my own house when my husband at that time remortgaged it – so I did not get any short-term alimony – was taken off his insurance – since he was allowed to marry in the State of Florida – while it was allowed to reserve any pending issues relating to finances at another time. So she bought the house from him (I was waiting for SSI/disability and was turned down 2 times and on the third go I got it) after I was put into a mental hospital that was more like a prison which was full of mold and partially flooded from the hurricanes of 2004. I could not get out of there unless I displayed extremely docile behavior – it was a nightmare – they never contacted my psychiatrist – so he didn’t know I was brought to this “institution” in another part of the State at least an hour from where I lived.

At the age of 35 – I remember she was going to attack me with a knife – because I was crying over the loss of my first marriage – she followed me with her car – since I left the restaurant where we were because she started telling me to shut my mouth – I apologized (I always was apologizing for something) got to my house as I drove up to go in and chased me in the house – got the cutlery out and my father, who was with us had to restrain her, she cried bloody murder, and said that when she gave birth to me – she through away the baby and I was what was left over. These kind of horrific comments were made too many times to remember. Know she has control over my living arrangements since she owns my house, my car and has access to my SSI checks (she works at the bank where they are deposited and audits everything I spend). Helping financially does not give her the right to treat me so horribly – and now my sister and her daughter are mistreating me as well. I have a boyfriend of 9 years – who is not willing to commit totally – does not stand up for me – second guesses everything I do – just like them – I do not knew what to do. Do I have any recourse with an attorney – I have decided that I am not going to take this anymore – I will simply tell her to please not yell or call me names and disrespect me or threaten me. But even if I say this and say firm but cordial – all hell will break loose – because in her twisted mind – I am defying her. I need help with this – my Psychiatrist can’t do anything more but ply me with more and more medication on top of all of this I have Lupus. I am tired all the time and depressed. I have nightmares almost every night- I don’t hardly leave the house – even to see my sick dad – because of all the screaming and yelling and threatening him that she will put him in a nursing home. I love my father very much -he is a very good and peaceful man – so I hide my feelings and take are crap when I go there – I am as docile as can be so she doesn’t start on me.
ronitbaras

Amber, if you are in Brisbane or am happy to go through life coaching by skype. look at:
http://www.behappyinlife.com.

We have the program for you.
ronitbaras

Dear Pam,

I hope going over your life story helped you a bit.
It is a shame some people are like that.
If someone did something bad to hurt you it is not helpful to hurt yourself too.
Try to be strong. find happiness and read the post:
http://www.ronitbaras.com/focus-on-the-family/parenting-family/divorcing-your-parents-poll/#.TykLKVxzVes
Artee

My mother is a parent bully and she terrorizes me father and I am starting to realize the unfortunate consequences on my mental health. I am very tired of it all. The empty shell I have become is a result of my parents being the aggressive bully. I don`t know how to cope with stress, it`s true. I actually am having an anxiety breakdown and it`s my last year of university. My mother always compares me to my “useless father” who apparently is lesser than a human being. My father on the other hand was able to bully me until I reached adult age and I fought back. Now I have my mother to deal with. She grew up with a lot of emotional turmoil but that doesn’t justify her cruel emotional and financial abuse. I need to move out. I pray to god that I never have children or become a mother. I never want to become the disgusting person my mother is. I am a passive person when it comes to bullying, I just take it and don’t do anything. I am tired of this and I am starting to see a counsellor, I need to reach out to someone or I fear for my own mental health and I don’t want to inflict any more damage to my self esteem. Sorry mom, some people are born soft, with emotions, and can cry. Apparently emotions are weak things to have because she’s so high and lofty and better than everyone else. One thing I’ve learned is blood is NOT thicker than water. I am leaving this place as soon as I can. God help us all in a world where your own parents are your worst enemy.
Jackie Rose

I have problems with bully parents bullying me for having sound sensitivity. They act like I’m reacting to them or their kids because I’m mean, when I’m trying to warn them I might behave in a disturbing matter if their child yells.

I have been attacked for not being a parent, and told I must know nothing by parents of small kids. Mocked for my condition by parents of small kids. As well as glared at for covering my ears if their child screams.

The last one really upsets me, I’m only trying to protect myself from pain. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and the way many parents act unpredictably aggravates my fight or flight response, as well as being stared at. Which is very common for people with my condition.

I don’t know what to do anymore, except ignore parents of small kids. I’m depressed after trying to discuss this on a message board, and told I could expect the cops if I messed with someone’s kid. I’m now terrified of dealing with the bullying parents of small children. I’m depressed, I keep flashing back to the time two parents stared me down after I covered my ears when their baby cried, and how I felt helpless, and like a freak.

The way these parents treat others, is a way they would never want someone to treat their child. Yes parenting is a hard job, but why does that mean it’s okay for parents of small kids to intimidate people like me. I would never be so cruel to their children. Guess I just need to heal again, and give up on the idea that this will ever change.

I need to work on dissociating, as that’s how I dealt with bullies in high school. Either that or plan 2 was to just get used to crying in public bathrooms. I hear parents complain how they’re not welcome in society with their kids. They should try to imagine how hard it is to function in society when you have a sensitivity to something people don’t or refuse to recognize as painful. Guess I’ll go listen to some Goth music now.
ronitbaras

Jackie,

Your condition is not something you do to hurt others .
If you know it is not something you can control, stay away from people who are not understanding and tolerating.
It is hard for parents to control their kids yelling and screaming and they rather blame you.
There are some things you can do to move your attention from the sounds. You can try to sing, hum and trigger your body to do something totally different that won’t look so different.
How old are you?
I think finding an NLP coach will help you find out NLP techniques that will show you some ways to shift the focus from the overwhelming voices to something else.
Don’t be angry at parents who are a bid scared if things seem different.
Do you have kids of your own?
I think it is a long life battle. People are in their shell and they cannot imagine at all what it means to have something that makes every voice sound like it coming out from a loud speaker.
Remember, your condition was not chosen by you. never blame yourself for other people’s behaviour.
ronitbaras

Artee,

It is sad.

I agree. It is the hardest thing to have your own parent as an enemy.

It sounds like your mother doesn’t know any better. She grow up like that and continues to do what she knows.

But you, you know better. You think it is not good and it wonderful that you do not justify it. ( trust me, many people do)

Pick yourself up, do not let your mum ruin it in your last year of university. find a support group. join a club, a group of people doing fun and happy things. Make a list of happy things and do them every day.

When you finish your studies and be able to work, you can move out of home and start a new life.

You will be a great mother because you were brave to notice how your mother was not able to do her job.

What she want through does not justify her behaviour but explains it.

It is good you’re seeing someone. great!

You should not let your mum’s fears and demons dictate your life.

Some people are so hurt in their past they lock their emotions and throw away the key to a place that will never ever be found. Do not be angry. I hope you will never do that.

Plan your move out of the house.

Do it with reason and care and trust yourself.

When you don’t live home, you can limit the way she talks to you.

Be strong!

If you want to know how many people think and feel like you, read my post ” divorcing your parents” and look at the poll.

http://www.ronitbaras.com/focus-on-the-family/parenting-family/divorcing-your-parents-poll/#.UPTolSfIXd4
Sarah Westwood

My father says that my daughter is his grand daughter no matter what. He treats me badly by putting me down in front of my daughter and treating her as if she is his! He buys her things and tries to compete for her affection by making me feel like an outsider. He treats my brothers partners better than me! I have suffered from depression for a long time and now he says. “You can die from depression”
ronitbaras

Hi Sarah,
The truth is that your daughter is his granddaughter no matter what.
Why are you spending time with him if he makes you feel bad?
Why do you give him opportunities to treat her as his?
why do you give him opportunities to compete with you at all?
If you don’t hang around him, he won’t!
If you want take your daughter to be with him, he won’t compete with you?
If you want be with him, he won’t treat you bad in front of your daughter?
Depression is a condition that is not good for you and if it is a long time thing, it is not good for your daughter as well.
Treat it!
Do something to change it!
If your dad is a bully, you need to work on your weaknesses.
As I said, confidence repels bullies.
Depression is a weakness that bullies pick on easily.
Everyone will benefit from you feeling happy, confident and fulfilled.
You, your daughter and as much as it is hard to believe, even you dad.
Your confidence is your power.
Work on it!
Build it!
It is not something someone can give you, you must take!
Good luck!

Ronit
Mahtoofislooth

Not all bullies were bullied or were raised by them. My sister was not raised that way, yet she claims she herself was a bully in school and is proud of it. She treats her kid like a slave and uses threats and humiliation and constant nit picking upon her 6 year old, as does his father, they gang up on him. Her thing is “life is tough” (even though she knows jack crap about her easy life) so she basically is trying to break him at every turn. It breaks my heart because he’s such a sweet and good kid and they treat him like garbage. I’m so worried he’s going to grow up to be a total ass, misogynist or depressive and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
ronitbaras

As much as I would like to believe that some people are just bullies for no reason what so ever, I find it hard to.
True, some people were not raised that way and you can see people that their parents are just amazing and still they come out bullies. It is mainly because from the outside, we don’t really know what the child felt.
This week, I worked with a 20 year old women that hated her dad’s guts because he used to say to the kids ” if you are not ready in 5 min, I leave” and he left. sometimes he left them in other places because they didn’t finish things on time. It seems harmless but this is a bullying act and if at one stage one of his kids will use this as a bully act, I won’t be surprised.
Your sister was bullied by someone, it could be a perceived threat but she had to get the idea from somewhere. It could be at school, it could be from friends, it could be from partners, bosses.
It is a shame and it could be that this is her partner way of educating because he was bullied and she feels that she must go along with it, or she will have a problem with with her partner.
There is much bully between couples and it projects on the kids.
I had a kid who came here ( with her mum’s support) and she said her dad bullies the whole family and mum must go along with him or he will bully her.
It is a shame they treat their child like this and I hope for him he has some other family member who tell him he is good and gorgeous and that he will be a great person and that this situation will not last forever.
It is not true you can’t do anything about it.
If you are in a good relationship with him, if you have kids of your own, show him there are other ways to treat kids and he will remember and develop this ” something is wrong with them, it is not me, it is them” belief, which is really important for victims of bullying.
Sorry to hear t hat some parents treat their kids like slaves and humiliate them.

sending him courage and love
Ronit
TylerBlazeit

Please how can I stop her from bullying me? I need help. I have tried showing her that she is bullying me and she needs to stop but she doesn’t care, and doesn’t see it that way. I told her if she doesn’t change and keeps like this she will lose all her relationships and people she loves. I think she just doesn’t care about being a good person. What can I do?
TylerBlazeit

Some people are sadistic. They enjoy watching people suffer even if no one treated them badly in life.
ronitbaras

It is true that some people seem sadistic.
I’d like to think that there are no cruel people but people that life was cruel to them and they just don’t know how to behave. The world to them is a jungle and everyone around is a threat, a lion or a snake and they do horrible things. I think they need help.
It is a catch 22, they will not search for help because they think that everything that is not working is the fault of others.
Sad!
ronitbaras

TylerBlazeit,
How about you send your mum this post and ask her to read the series?
I don’t think she does not care, I think she can’t do things differently.
The only way to stop a bully is to be confident. You must build your confidence. I know it is hard when the person who is supposed to protect you is the person you need to stay away from.
She will not be the first person in the world that can’t stop bullying his/her child and she won’t be the last but you will stop it in the next cycle.
One day, you will leave home, be on your own and you won’t treat your kids that way and this is how things will get better.
Good person is not the same for everyone. what she thinks is good, may not be what you think good is.
Whenever she is bullying, think of her as a scary kid who is walking around and all she sees is lions and snakes and she attacks, no matter what.
For bullies, every small things are a threat.
Don’t blame them, they probably grow up with someone who was bullying them as well. Someone who was so scary and they are on guard at all times. So whenever she is bullying you, tell yourself ” Mum, I feel sorry for you” and suddenly her bark will be silent. She barks but does not bite! and she is suffering from this bullying more than you. Bullying is self poison and you do not envy her for self poisoning herself .
In your mind say ” This is her poison, not mine”
Find a happy place in your mind and go there whenever she is bullying you. In your head, she can’t do anything to you.
Remember, your mind is yours, no one can really touch it.

Stay positive and build your confidence as much as you can !

Ronit
TylerBlazeit

It’s not just self-poison. It’s real. Like one of your articles says, those who are bullied by their parents grow up to be like that. Something psychological. I tried, but it’s happened anyway. Sometimes I do it to other people, and I hate myself for it. But I hate her more. I used to be a happy kid, but now I’m toxic just like her. No point on stopping a bully when the damage is already done. I’m never having kids because of her. I don’t want to ruin someone’s life like she did mine. And I’m probably going to end up as alone as her. It’s too late. I showed her stuff like this all the time. Ten+ years ago. She never did anything about it. She’s never going to stop cause she doesn’t care about herself enough to stop. Life is all about self-interest. People won’t do something unless it’s for them, and she neglects herself as much as she does me. After living with someone like this for years, you start to become them. To try to stay afloat and not drown in all their hate. Sometimes you have to become the monster to beat him. This is probably what she did too, with her parents, when she was younger. That’s probably why she is the way she is. There’s just no winning, and no way out. There’s no good choices here. Either way I end up an empty shell who hates himself. I wish I could just leave and never talk to her again. Just forget the last 10+ years of my life ever happened. Oh well. Guess we don’t all get what we want.
ronitbaras

Tyler,

It is true that when you are modeled this behavior, you tend to do the same but you don’t have to do the same, you can change the cycle.
Hating yourself or hating her is poison in itself, self poison. Do not let it stay in your body. If your body is an apartment building, do not allow hate to be a tenant.
I don’t know if there is no point in stopping a bully and though some damaged was done, it will heal. I promise you, it will heal. Your own children will be the best healers.
Nothing is too late! You can leave home, stay away from her and start fresh. Learn that other people are not the same. You are not her! Never was and never will be! you are you and you can design your own life away from her, with better influences.
If you are saying her parents were the same, than you probably understand her. You can be different. you can stop the cycle.
There are two kind of children, those who follow their parents footsteps and those who do exactly the opposite. In ever y family you can see that people growing in the same family don’t come out the same. So be the kind of kids that do the opposite.
Why can’t you leave?
Where is your other family?
Hang in there, Life is different out there. Take a leap of faith and explore the world who is not that scary.
I am not sure how old you are but if ten years ago you were already aware then the second you can leave home, leave home and surround yourself with kind and loving people. there are many of them out there.

Hang in there!
Hugs
Ronit
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