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Home » Family Matters » Kids / Children » How Can Parents with Different Religions Raise Kids Successfully? (Q&A)

How Can Parents with Different Religions Raise Kids Successfully? (Q&A)

Black child reading the Bible in bed

The question about two parents with different religions or belief systems raising kids has become very relevant in our society today. The world is much more multicultural and there are many mixed couples finding love and wondering about the impact of this on their kids.

My eldest daughter, Eden, is getting married in 2 months to her now-boyfriend, Sandy. Eden and Sandy are a gorgeous couple and we are very happy they found each other. No pressure or anything, but we are also very much looking forward to them having kids.

The interesting thing is that Eden and Sandy come from two different cultural backgrounds, different languages and different faiths. Many of our family members and friends have been wondering about the “chance” of such a relationship succeeding and the difficulty in raising kids.

I cannot say exactly what will happen for Sandy and Eden. I am not a fortune teller after all. I am, however, the state director of a not for profit organization that provides education on diversity and advocates for religious and cultural tolerance. I strongly believe in this work.

The word coexist made of religions symbols - can parents with different religions raise kids successfully?

In some way, Eden and Sandy have more similarities than many other couples do. For example, they are both migrants, both their parents are still together, they both value different cultures, they both speak languages other than English and appreciate others who speak other languages, they are both kind and accepting of others.

I think the “chance” of a successful relationship depends not on the number of differences between them but in their ability to appreciate and take advantage of the similarities.

Over the years, I have been asked about the impact of having parents with different religions on parenting. Now that my own daughter is facing these questions as well, and many of our family members and friends wonder about it, I thought it was a good time for me, as a parenting expert to answer them. So, here is what I think about it.

Is it confusing for kids to have parents with different religions?

It can be. Confusion comes not from parents being different. After all, parents with different religions are no more confusing than parents with different upbringings, different political views, different social agendas, different communication styles or different parenting styles. Confusion happens when parents are in competition over their religious beliefs.

Parents are socializing agents. They teach their kids , mainly through modelling, how this world works and how to successfully navigate it. Beliefs, including religious beliefs, are a set of values and rules that give kids a sense of certainty and peace. If done well, parents can integrate their religious beliefs into the values they instil in their children.

Religion

Kids become confused when one parent is dogmatic about their own values. They adopt a “my way or the highway” philosophy. This kind of attitude can apply to any set of beliefs , not just religion.

Such parents try to use force to strengthen their position. They say things like, “I will tell you what you are going to study”, “You must do…”, “You have to…” in order to receive their love. Their affection is conditional on you meeting their expectations (including the religious ones). This is where confusion sets in.

If both parents are dogmatic in their attitudes and have different, or worse, conflicting beliefs, this can be super confusing for kids. Conflict over religious beliefs, or any other values for that matter, will prevent kids from developing the confidence they need to navigate the world and confusion will take over certainty and peace.

How can parents keep their beliefs and values and still avoid conflicts over religion?

There was obviously no conflict between the two religions when the parents fell in love with each other, so theoretically, there shouldn’t be any conflict once kids are in the picture. From my work with many couples, I can tell you that it is usually conflict that happens first and religion is just an excuse.

In people’s minds, faith or religious beliefs are not “changeable” ideas. They are not logical concepts, but entirely emotional. That means reason and “sense”, which is what we pretend to use in an argument, have no way of changing them. Conflict is actually almost entirely emotional. That is why they say never to argue about sex, politics and religion, because they are emotional things that cannot be reasoned with logic.

So there must be a way for parents  with different religions to pass their beliefs and values on to their children without appearing to be saying to their partner, “my religion is more correct than yours”. Here are some tips to help parents teach their values and without compromising their religious beliefs:

  1. When teaching your child about your religion, focus on the reason for following it for the love of the religion rather than the fear of not following the rules. If you have a God, it is better to teach the love of God rather than the fear of God. Remember that religion and fear don’t go hand in hand. You do not want your kids to associate your religion with fear. This will make them reject even the good parts of it, which could have served them well into their adult lives, long after they don’t live with you anymore.
  2. All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important things is they should be part of our daily lives. Dalai LamaFocus on the similarities between both religions. If you dig deep enough, all religions have the golden rule, “love thy neighbor as thyself”. Practice what you preach! Love your partner as thyself. Hurting your relationship in favor of your religion is against the golden role. Whenever you face a conflict, remind yourself that almost all religions are based on this golden pillar.
  3. Remember that your religious beliefs are yours and no one can take them away from you. You do not have to convert anyone to your religion in order for it to be right for you. If you try to convert the, kids will think you don’t fully believe in what you are preaching and that will make them shy away from what you are teaching. Think about it for a second. If we know that you transfer beliefs through modeling, all you have to do is talk less, be true to your religion and your kids will be inspired!
  4. Forget the idea of “cloning” yourself and your faith. It will only bring you heartache and pain. Many parents fall into this trap. You do not want your kids to be your clone; you want them to be better. They are raised in a generation different to yours. Your religion matches your reality. Their religion has to match their reality. Your religious values are the tools you use to be happy and content in this world. Focus on encouraging them to use the tools to fit their needs rather than worship the tools and use them in an ancient way. Cloning your religious beliefs will not allow them to evolve. Religion stays alive if you adjust it to the times and circumstances, not when you focus on keeping it the same at all costs.
  5. Embrace cultural and religions diversityCelebrate both religions’ holidays. Most holidays and celebrations focus on gatherings and appreciation for nature and what we have. Religious ceremonies and celebration that are experienced with joy are amazing memories for kids and will bring them closer to the values of the religion.
  6. Teach and celebrate other religions’ ceremonies and holidays. It broadens the kids’ perspectives about the ultimate religion – humanity! It will give them an opportunity to “choose” their own religion, to come up with a personal religion that combines all the good things from both their parents’ religions rather than “having no choice” or following the one that was more pushy.

When is it a good time to start talking to kids about religion?

We may not call them conversation about religion but we model our beliefs from the second our babies are born through the words we choose and what we emphasize.

At some point, your kids will start to notice that Mom and Dad or other kids do not follow the same rituals they do. Some of them will ask and others won’t. Similar to talking about sex, it is not a good idea for parents to initiate this conversation.

Wait for your kids to do ask

It is a very simple rule: if they ask, answer and be honest. If they don’t ask, it means they are not ready. If kids ask, explain that difference is natural. You are different in gender, in look, in the way you speak, in your professions, in your physical features, in your hobbies and in your dreams, you are also different in your religious beliefs.

Explain that doing things differently is something natural and you both accept each other. Reassure your kids that although you are different, you love each other and you love your kids, and that you will continue to love them regardless of what rituals they choose to follow (or not!).

Unfortunately, kids don’t really understand what the word “values” means until age 12. As part of my work with “Together for Humanity”, I have asked thousands of children in grades 4-7 if they know what values are. On average, 3 out of 100 kids say they do.

We sometimes overuse conceptual words but do not bother checking if the kids know the meaning of these concepts. We can still teach values even if kids don’t know the meaning of the words, but what this means is that children cannot fully understand what we are saying. They cannot develop critical thinking if they can’t question concepts they don’t understand.

The universe echoes our actions

If you answer your child with respect to your partner’s religious beliefs and without trying to justify or convert, your child wild develop a sense of confidence that he/she can come ask you again. You want your kids to come to you again, and again, with every question they have.

When they ask, they don’t want you to justify your religious beliefs or convince them. They are looking for a way to live with what seems to them to be a conflict or contradiction. They want you to tell them, “Everything is fine”, “We still love each other” and, “We still love you”.

If you start trying to justify your own religious beliefs, you are completely missing the point and you risk that your child won’t come to you next time they feel confused or insecure.

Religion is nothing but a set of beliefs and rules we follow closely. We are all religious people in some way because we all have sets of rules and values we believe in  following in our daily lives.

It gives us a sense of certainty and peace. The heart of every religion is faith. It is a feeling of trust we have in the rules and values that make follow the religion out of love. From my point of view, having strong faith means we are content in our choices and have made them for all the right reasons.

Every religion, even the most organized religion in the world, is practiced differently by different people. No two people from the same religion have the exact same beliefs regarding their own religion.

In a sense, we adjust the religion to who we are. I like to call this our “ism”. Regardless of what religion I follow or adopt, my religion is called “Ronitism”, because it is unique to me. If we understand the science of beliefs, and religion is just one set of beliefs, we can see that Ronit’s faith will only lead her to “Ronitism” and John’s faith will always lead him to “Johnism”.

We all want to be happy and content in this world. We all want to love and be loved. Conflict arises when one or two parties say, “The only way to get love is through my “ism” and not through your “ism””. If all roads lead to Rome, why argue over which road to take? Ronit will take the road of “Ronitism” and John will take the road of “Johnism” and we will all get there safely in the end.

If we focus on the destination where we want our children to arrive, where happiness, love and peace resides, we become more open. We stop focusing on holding onto our beliefs at all cost. We consider the possibility that there are other ways for our children to reach their destination.

If we can do this as parents with different religions, our children will grow up, not confused, but enriched children, with a broad perspective on life.

Happy Parenting!
Ronit

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February 24, 2015 by Ronit Baras In: Kids / Children, Parenting Tags: acceptance / judgment / tolerance, attitude, baby / babies, beliefs, certainty, choice, conflict, diversity, education / learning, expectation, fear, focus, happiness, how to, kids / children, language, partner, practical parenting / parents, questions, religion, role model, rules, self confidence / self esteem / self worth, society, thought, tips, trust, values

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Comments

  1. Baye Asehbir says

    December 28, 2018 at 9:52 PM

    Thank you. I have read it thoroughly and got some kind of relief, and of course knowledge about how I can make them better in their choice of religion.

    Reply
    • Ronit Baras says

      January 2, 2019 at 6:27 PM

      Great!

      Reply
  2. Baye Ashebir says

    December 28, 2018 at 9:23 PM

    Am Baye from Ethiopia. I am Christian Orthodox and my wife was was an Orthodox follower and then cha,ged to protestant and again agreed to change to Orthodox). That is we talked about our religion before our marriage. We have two children- male and female. One day I asked them if they want to go to church with me. They both went to their mother and answered my question, of course they said ‘yes’. I started to google and read the issue. Great thanks as I got valuable points about how we could raise our kids concerning religion.u

    Reply
    • Ronit Baras says

      January 2, 2019 at 6:27 PM

      Baye,

      I’m glad you took from it what you need to take.
      Remember, Kindness is the ultimate religion and no matter which religion you follow, be kind is the golden rule of each of them.

      Ronit

      Reply
  3. Mar says

    May 3, 2017 at 7:16 AM

    Ronit. My Husband and I are talking about having children and would be entering into the same situation as your daughter. Can I ask if she ended up having children and if so how is it going so far? If she did have children how did she approach the birth rituals with in the two religions. Thank you.

    Reply
    • ronitbaras says

      May 4, 2017 at 10:51 PM

      Hi Mar,

      My daughter gave birth to a baby girl seven weeks ago.
      (I’m a grandmother, Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
      They are doing very well.
      Both our son in law’s parents and us, do not get into their choices.
      My son in law’s mum said they do a special party when the baby is one month old and it was a great party. We love parties.
      I guess having a boy would have been different , though I think the would come up with a solution to circumcision. ( in both cultures they do it, just in different times)
      So far, so good!
      There is lots of respect from both sides.
      The religious side is not an issue at all.

      Though, they have both decided to talk to her each in his/her own first language, which makes me very happy. My granddaughter will speak 4 languages ( her other grandparents are going to speak with her the forth language

      Remember, religion was supposed to bring peace to people, not war. If it brings any war in any relationship, one or more people didn’t get the heart of the religion properly.

      Good luck!

      Reply
  4. Sarah Lincoln says

    February 9, 2016 at 5:23 AM

    So touching but true My name is Sarah Lincoln, from USA I have heard of spells but I never believed in it. I do see it as evil but now not all spells are evil I can assure you. I never believed in love spell or magic either until I met this spell caster in Africa Sometime in November last year when I went to Africa for a business summit. I went to this Business summit heartbroken and unhappy infarct I was battered. I met a friend who also came for this summit infarct the hotel my organization paid for that I should lodge was the same hotel she was staying. Her name is Tara Fabian. The 3rd day of the submit, we boded the same taxi to the hotel. As we where going she started telling me things she noticed about me during the course of this summit. I observed how unhappy you are for the past 2 days she said. What is the matter she asked? At first it was difficult to discus with someone you haven’t seen before and I was shocked how she managed to know I wasn’t fine. Well I couldn’t hold back anymore but busted into tears. At this point I told her all I have been going through, how the man I had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 6years. . I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. What hurts more is that my man was now going out with my best friend Ann and has proposed marriage to her. Tara promised to help me and she also made me to know that I will get my man back. As God may have it, the 5th day was the day we had to rest before attending the last summit. Tara took me to a man who’s name is Dr. Oligbe Akas he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first I was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all I wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is ([email protected]). Am the happiest woman on earth now because my husband and I are living happily now. All I have said is true but be careful not to be deceived because it seems there are lots of scammers out who are extorting money from people via the internet. You can contact me through my mail ([email protected] if you want to confirm from me.

    Reply
  5. Aryan Greene says

    January 6, 2016 at 10:32 AM

    “That is why they say never to argue about sex, politics and religion, because they are emotional things that cannot be reasoned with logic.”

    Sex is the only thing which is emotional. I would replace sex with love but it is absurd to say that politics and religion is not something we can comprehend using logic. Unless you are born into a religion or an instilled ideal about politics, then it is logic that will prevail. Political views are only logical if you have never encountered politics before. Same goes with religion. Everyone who is religious is almost always born into that religion.

    I like your comments and its a well written article but i would have to disagree that politics and religion are too taboo to be talked about. Thank You

    Reply
    • ronitbaras says

      January 25, 2016 at 8:23 PM

      Aryan,

      When I said emotional, I meant that out thoughts about them are not rational but taken from upbringing environment. Research shows that politics and religion and believes about sex are very much influenced by the environment we grow up in. Most children adopt their own parents believes, which means, no filters. I agree that love is more important as a discussion topic and I would highly recommend talking about it, a lot!
      We are always raised in some kind of a belief system. I once worked with the most amazing women who introduced herself to the kids she worked with as ” I have no faith” and I protested, big time, she had a set of spiritual believes she followed religiously and she had faith in people, in love, in caring. so we all grow up in some kind of faith and if our parents were good ” sales people” we will ” buy” them and take it into our adult life. No filters! When we talk about it, we don’t talk sense and logic, it is like the breast milk we grew up on.

      Fear of God and love of God are two very different concept. I tend to believe that the love of God is better as in my philosophy there are two main feelings, love and fear and love is all we need.

      Oh, I don’t think politics and religion are things we don’t talk about. We should not try to convince people to believe in the same things we do. I have a belief that when we need others to do, believe, think the same as we do, it is because we don’t truly believe in what we think and do and we need others to do the same to justify it to ourselves.

      I am a state coordinator of a non-for profit organisation teaching diversity education. We teach politics, we teach about religions and talk about sexual preferences and all the sensitive topics and we do a great job, because we know that our job is to introduce things with advantages and disadvantages in a way that encourages acceptance. We do a very good job at it. I have seen over 60,000 students and teachers doing it so , no, I didn’t mean they are taboo.

      Thanks for your comment.
      Happy day

      Ronit

      Reply

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