Self esteem is a very important ingredient for success. I have written a lot about what parents can do to support their kids’ self esteem. Good parenting instils positive values in our kids, but unfortunately, many parents do the exact opposite and do not recognize how damaging their words can be.

Generally, there are four main attitudes that destroy self esteem:

1. Telling kids they are wrong.
2. Expressing disappointment.
3. Expressing shame.
4. Expressing doubt in the kids’ attempts.

Kids can handle a lot of pain from their parents without carrying it into adulthood. However, the four attitudes mentioned above will be carved into their hearts and determine their self esteem and attitude towards themselves. Below is a list of 60 phrases parents say that can harm their kids’ self esteem. If you use any of these sentences, try to replace them with positive sentences instead. Think about your parenting; be deliberate in your attempts to be encouraging.

1. You can’t!
2. This is not a good idea.
3. It is impossible.
4. What a silly idea!
5. Who did you see that does anything like that?
6. You do not have time.
7. I am ashamed of you.
8. How can I show my face in public with what you have done?
9. I work very hard and this is how you repay me?
10. You are so bad at this.
11. I cannot trust you.
12. You are so clumsy.
13. It is a good idea in theory.
14. I do not have time for you.
15. It is too expensive.
16. We have tried this before and it did not work.
17. You are lazy.
18. You are disrespectful.
19. You are selfish.
20. How many times will you fail before you learn?
21. You won’t make it.
22. You don’t stand a chance.
23. They are better than you.
24. Don’t even bother.
25. You are not ready.
26. It is too hard for you.
27. You are too young.
28. I am disappointed.
29. Convince me!
30. I do not believe you.
31. You will pay for it!
32. You are too old for this.
33. This is not appropriate for someone your age.
34. It is not worth it now. (i.e. meaning you are too late)
35. It is not enough.
36. You cannot honestly expect me to…
37. This is not acceptable.
38. What will others say about you?
39. I am going to tell mum/dad that this is what you did/said.
40. Just wait for dad/mum to get home.
41. I expected more from you.
42. You disappointed me.
43. You never appreciate what we do for you.
44. It is too risky.
45. I am too busy now.
46. Why can’t you be like…
47. You do not understand.
48. I make the rules around here.
49. I tell you what to do.
50. You do not appreciate anything we do for you.
51. You don’t deserve…
52. Who was the stupid person who did that?
53. Who is the stupid person who thought this idea?
54. You have lots to learn before you can…
55. You are still a kid.
56. I do not think it would work.
57. You do not know enough.
58. This is not practical.
59. You are a shame to the family.
60. I cannot believe you did this!

I hope you do not recognize yourself in this list. If you do, it is never too late to stop and change. Join me next time for alternatives that build self esteem. Happy parenting, Ronit