This question usually comes up after parents are informed by their child’s teacher that the child is not keeping up with their schoolwork. However, although the indication given is academic, the problem is most often emotional.
If the reason for the child’s poor performance is academic, I believe there is no point repeating a year. If there is a real difficulty, time is not the cure! It is better to offer special support to the child during and after school, or in extreme cases, in a special school.
However, if the question regarding repeating is because of emotional difficulty, then repeating a year is always going to help the kid go through their emotional development at a pace that is more suitable for them without the clock ticking “Today, you are 7 years and 124 days old, so from today you need to behave this way”.
There is much confusion and disagreement about kids’ emotional development. Many parents think that maturity is tightly linked to date of birth, as if the body has a clock that changes status with the birthday party.
Using dates as the criteria to moving from one class to another does not always suit kids’ emotional development. A kid whose birthday is in January is no match for one who celebrated their birthday the previous June, although they are in the same class. The amazing thing is that even a child celebrating their birthday in January may not be as emotionally developed as another born on the same day.
The reason kids are distributed between classes based on age is that it is easy for the teacher and the system, but it is not necessarily good for the kids. If kids were distributed based on emotional development, there would be more composite classes with a 3-year spread.
There are points in a child’s schooling when it is easier for them to stay back another year than other times. Essentially, the earlier, the easier, so the day care and prep years are the easiest to repeat. This is because kids are not aware yet and are much quicker to adjust to the new situation. The boost in performance will boost their confidence and they will simply do better for the rest of their schooling.
In later years, it is best for a child to repeat a year at another school, allowing them to avoid the failure stigma. If the child’s family stays in the same place, such a transition happens naturally only when moving from primary to high school.
The third option is to put the child in composite classes, if those exist at their school. This way, the kid can work comfortably at the academic level that is suitable for them, while having a wide range of kids. They can choose older friends or younger friends in a composite class, where the accuracy in choosing the right emotional buddy is higher, not to mention this provides better preparation for real life (how many people do you know whose partners, family members, friends and colleagues were all born in the same year?).
Many parents adopt the approach “They’ll grow out of it”. My opinion is that if your child struggles, it is best to take action before getting to school, so keep your eyes and ears open when they’re little!
Hi there
My son is 7 and in year 2 in a school in WA. We moved to Australia in 2015 from South Africa. There is/was a big difference in the level of schooling with Australia having a higher standard so the school placed him in Year 1 when he was 5, turning 6 in May of 2016. Since then we have been playing catch up as he never did most of the foundation in kindy and none in Pre Primary. He missed those years when we moved. So now he is in year 2 and struggling. He is below average on most of his subjects. He is always willing and eager to learn in class and loves his friends. He is a very social child but we are very worried that he will never really catch up. We do homework about 4 days a week and he still can’t get to the standard level.
We are now thinking that he should repeat year 2 but we will send him to another school for this because we don’t want him to be teased. The school also doesn’t want us to repeat him.
We really don’t know what to do. According to his age we can still keep him back as his birthday is in May. Most of his class mates are turning 8 this year and he turned 7
Will we be making a mistake if we send him to another school to repeat year 2 to help him academically?
I am so afraid to do the wrong thing. The teacher said that next year he will once again be on a case management plan and will be placed with other kids of his level.
Please could you give me some guidance?
Thanks so much!
Michelle Korff
Hi Michelle,
It was a mistake to put him in grade one but it is too late to discuss this.
Struggling is not healthy. It plants in kids’ mind that schooling is a “pain” . Schools needs to have a good balance between fun and effort , small effort, all the time, but manageable effort, not something the child is frustrated so much.
If he got support his year and could not manage, there are two possible reasons.
1. He has a learning difficulty
2. He teachers had teaching difficulty.
What do I mean?
If he has any learning difficulty, it won’t help you to keep him in year 2 one more year. Repetition is not the solution to learning difficulty. He needs someone with special education experience to help him sort this out. ( and this can be sorted easily)
If it is a case of teaching difficulty , which means the teachers didn’t do the support properly ( they didn’t start with the foundations) , keeping him in year 2 one more year, won’t help either as he needs to do prep again.
where do you live in Australia?
If you are in Brisbane, you can bring him to me for an assessment
Or you can book me coming for an assessment to wherever you are.
Read this:
https://www.behappyinlife.com/child-coaching/
Good luck
Ronit
Thanks so much for your response. We are in Perth. What kind of assessment would be necessary for him?
The teachers did a case management plan for us where we need to do extra homework and I did he would do better but he only improved in reading by 1 point. I am thinking of getting a one on one, professional tutor for him for the 4th term, someone who understands the curriculum. It might put less strain on our relationship and him.
Hi,
I need help. My son is 11 on the 19th of May 2016, he is in grade 6. But it is a struggle to get him to do any school work. His exams are usually answered in a rush. He doesn’t read the questions fully. He starts reading then he answers before reading the complete question. He passes, but it is always a struggle to get him to study, his class work is incomplete almost every day. He says he doesn’t like writing. I am lost and tired of the situation. Studying is stressful. Just to get him to open a book is a hassle. I have even tried bribery, nothing works. He is one year younger than the youngest child in class. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, he is also tiny compared to others in class. I am lost on whether to keep him in the same grade level or promoting him. Would it be harmful or helpful. He went to therapy this year and the outcome was he is very smart. He will be great in the years to come. I don’t know which is the right thing, is he lazy, careless, immature, or what to describe him with. If you ask him questions orally he can answer. Math and science are the best for him. Academically, with all that he is passing. His strongest argument with me is “you don’t trust me.” “I don’t because every time I do you fail me”, I answer. Should I ask the school to repeat his grade or should I wait for him to fail and have them ask me to repeat his grade.
Thank you,
HI Mona,
Being one year younger than the youngest kid in class is tough.
It is tough, even if you are just the youngest.
The only reason to repeat is when we think kids need time to develop emotionally. Children can do well academically and still be not mature enough to mange the social challenges of their age group.
Here are some points to consider:
If he can answer the questions verbally, he might just be an auditory child. They usually hate writing and they can sit in front of a paper and stare at it for a long time. If you ask them to record their answers, they will do great. My suggestions for you is to read anything you can on auditory style on this blog. here are some of them:
https://www.ronitbaras.com/family-matters/parenting-family/auditory-musicians/
https://www.ronitbaras.com/education-learning/macgyver-pro-a-super-auditory-kid/
https://www.ronitbaras.com/family-matters/parenting-family/how-to-stimulate-auditory-kids/
Bribing a child, punishing a child, threatening a child are all dysfunctional communication methods, they never work! There is something missing, something wrong, he is emotionally stressed and it is hard to think when you are stressed ( you know that! ) those things only make him more stressed and be able to think even less.
If he has no friends, that’s a more concern than him not doing his homework! If I were you,I would get him some help in this area. If you live in Brisbane, Australia, contact me if you want help. Good friends are great healers.
If he says ” you don’t trust me” it means you have a challenge in your relationship. He basically told you what he needs, your trust! It is essential to him. If he says that, don’t explain to him why you have a justification not to trust him. you don’t! there is no justification, Him trust in you, yes, you need to earn it. Your trust in him, no, he does not need to earn it! He earned it the second you gave him birth. That you will be there for him even if he will fail! Love has no conditions. I work with so many adults and this is the thought I need to get out of their head, that love is conditional, they have to please their parents to be worthy! you don’t want your child to think that. Make sure he knows that you will love him even if he will get all fails on his exams. Once he will know that, he will be yours again to parents.
I don’t think this is a case of repeating a year. This is a case of you showing your son that you trust him. Here are my suggestions:
Whenever he has challenges ask ” Is there anything I can do to help you?” and be there for him. Don’t preach, show him that you are there to help him not for him to obey you.
Search for opportunities to say ” I trust you” be honest. Start with things that are not significant to you ( he’ll know when you are not telling the truth) and say ” I trust you to finish it on time” or ” I trust that you know what is good for you”. When he is in a dilemma, say ” trust yourself” ” Trust the voice inside of you that tells you to…” Make sure to use the word trust in a positive way at least three times every day.
When he expresses his feelings, say nothing! just say ” I understand” if he says something about you, say ” I understand, I am sorry this is how you feel” – never, never, never justify yourself or blame him for anything. Just do the ” accepting” act with no judgment, no ego, be there for him. If it is too hard to listen, say something positive like ” I’m sorry that you feel this way,.. I am happy you were honest to share it with me”
I promise, three weeks after you use those strategies, you’ll have a different child.
Repeating a year is not the option I would consider here.
you can always check my book motivating kids: https://www.ronitbaras.com/books/personal-development-books/motivating-kids/
Happy day
Ronit
Thank you so much for your reply. Some of the things you said really opened my eyes to his point of view of the matter. We as adults look for the same thing in our relationships but fail to see it when it is required from us. I will try my best to use the positive approach and pray for strength.
God Bless you,
Mona
You are welcome!
It is only natural to be able to see challenges of others rather than ours.
We all do that. We judge ourselves based on our intentions and others based on their behaviors.
Whenever children express discomfort, we need to ask ourselves what is the feeling they are sharing? what is the feeling that is missing? Every behaviour that is problematic means they have a problem, they need help!
Good luck!
Just do it for two -three weeks and you will see a difference.
Keep us updated with his progress.
Happy weekend
Ronit
Hi there!
My son is currently in Yr 9. He is dyslexic, has always had learning support and is SEN STATUS P, whatever that means! His speech is outstanding! In fact those are the exact words used by his nursery teacher, so many moons ago! He is the youngest in the year. I asked his Yr6 teacher if she felt he would benefit from repeating a year. Her reply was, that 80% of the boys would!
He was adamant to move up with his friends, fair enough.
Unfortunately, he went to Hampton Academy, where they were guinea pigging our children on a Swedish Scheme. The children were given tablets and expected to go online and teach themselves.
I was never happy with him there, but I thought it was just secondary school. I had to except that it was a less comfortable and friendly environment.
7 months in, we had Parents Eve (during the day, then again the children weren’t learning anything anyway. A day off caused no extra harm!)
Leon had become disoriented, unconfident, scared of school. He had developed a tick, and his attention span was non existent.
It wasn’t until i had a meeting with his teacher that I realized he wasn’t getting any help, whatsoever. Let alone extra help. The teacher had no idea what Leon was doing on a daily basis, or what he was supposed to be doing!
I removed him from there the very next day.
Because I chose to remove my son, the government was under no obligation to educate him. A child was expelled that week for carrying a knife into school. He was found a place at the best school in our area, and given private tuition at £30per hour for a month to get him back up to standard of the real school.
Leon is still 46th on their waiting list!
I home schooled him for 2 months. Which was gruelling! He also went to Explore Learning which was productive.
I finally got him into a school 7 weeks before the end of Yr7.
I asked if he could do Y7 again. The school said that it would create an opportunity for bullies!
So my son, after missing a good 80% of Yr 7 has been struggling ever since.
He is doing his Mock Exams next week, and is nowhere closer to being prepared for his GCSES as he is to building a house from scratch!!
We are moving from London to The Cotswolds asap.
I want for him to go straight into Yr8, giving him the chance to catch up, gain confidence and be happy again at school, rather than feel he is dumb and have no enthusiasm to better his education.
How can I put this in place. Who must I contact to make this happen.
Many thanks!
Charlotte,
Sorry it took me a while to reply.
Was your child, Leon was ever diagnosed with Dyslexia?
Laptop programs are not a solution to everything and some kids are very overwhelmed by it. for real, dyslexic kids, computers can be too much and require lots of support. This is part of being dyslexic, you can’t do things on your own, you need an agent.
Self learning is not suitable for all kids. The strong kids, will manage everything you throw at them and they are usually 10-15% of the class, the rest will struggle.
Poor kid. Usually we you move from one school to another school kids don’t know anything about the child’s age so the suggestion not to repeat year 7 was a mistake in my opinion.
When you move him to a new school, if you can’ make him repeat year 7. Kids don’t know, they won’t mind that he is the oldest. In any normal class, on average, there are 3-4 kids that are up to two years older than the average child. It just works like that and everyone is fine with that. My daughter is 14 years old and she has kids in her class that are already 15 years old. no one cares. ( you can tell because on sport competitions they go by age group).
If he truly has dyslexia, he needs a bit of a “discount” by doing things slowly and not to add pressure ( which makes the symptoms worse).
I worked with a kid in grade 11 that everyone thought he was stupid, stupid. ( he thought so too). I found out he has dyslexia. If you teach those kids strategies, they are very smart so they will be fine but I could’t catch up on 7 years of “stupidness” and feeling inadequate. I showed him that within 6 month, he recovered 3 years of schooling. I told him, no stupid kid could catch up 3 years in 2 hours of work a week in just 6 month. once I convinced him he was not stupid, he went to school with his mum and asked for a meeting and they have all agreed that he will spread year 12 over 2 years and the pressure came off. No bullying, nothing. He needed time, they gave him time and it worked perfectly. Great kid, went to uni afterwards. He is 30 years old now, married, has a job and very successful. His mum still sends me updates about him. So, no, not every time kids take time to learn things it is negative. Most of the time, it takes off the pressure and their life is so much better without the pressure.
I would suggest repeating year 7, again. repetition is not bad for him. it will make him feel more confident. If the school is not very keen, say: this is my choice! and trust your gut instincts, mums are usually right.
Good luck
Ronit
Thank you very much! Funnily enough, im just about to call a school I have found in the area we are moving to…..fingers crossed he can repeat this year.
Kind regards, Charlotte
– Sent from my HTC on 3 –
—– Reply message —–
You don’t really need luck, you need determination.
You tell them that this is what you want and say it with confidence and see how things will happen exactly the way you expect it.
Happy week
Ronit
You too, peace be with you! x
– Sent from my HTC on 3 –
—– Reply message —–
HI,
MY SON IS 12 YEARS AND IN GRADE 7. HIS TEACHERS KEEP PICKING HIM FOR ALL THE BASHING HE DOES HIS WORK WELL HE SUBMITS HIS PROJECTS ETC. BUT AS TIME PASSES THEY DENY HIS SUBMITTING HIS WORK.
I HAVE SPOKEN TO THE DEPUTY PRINCIPAL AND HE HAS AGREED WITH ME.
BUT INSPITE OF THIS THE TEACHERS CONTINUE TO HARASSES MY SON.
MY QUESTION IS CAN THEY FAIL HIM (KEEP HIM BACK IN THE SAME CLASS )
PLEASE REPLY ME URGENTLY
THANKS
It depends where you live in the world
In some places they can. In others they never do.
Can you be in the middle and help him with this. so teachers must sign when he submit his homework?
Hi i have a son that is 13 years old and he will start high school (2012-2013) and he plays basketball good and one of his coaches said to him you should held back and he is 5.1 which is he is short for his age.I don’t know if its a right decision to held him back for 1 year.
Being short is not a reason to repeat a year.
If he is doing well in school, ignore the coach.
I need some suggestions here…my son is 15 and has Asperger’s Syndrome and ADHD. He is currently in 9th grade. I have been told by at least one person at every school he has ever been at that he is the most challenging student they have ever dealt with. He has an IEP for behavior and academic performance. His academic performance has never been great though he definitely has the capacity to be successful. The big problem is that this year, he has been failing EVERY class almost all year. We are at almost the 4th quarter and I was supposed to have a meeting with some of the educators at his school to discuss the possibility of holding him back. I was never contacted to attend a meeting and he came home today saying that they have told him they will NOT hold him back. I have read a lot that says retention is a bad idea and there are a lot of reasons not to do it. I believe my son is an exception. He does not function at the emotional level of a 15. They told him that he will be placed in 10th grade with modified classes. How can he learn anything in 10th grade if he hasn’t learned the base for it in 9th grade? Am I being obtuse about this? I sincerely feel that he would do better if he is able to repeat 9th grade. Another consideration is that we are going to be moving at the end of the summer so he will be in a completely different school. If he was held back, he would be able to complete his entire high school career at his new school. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. I am trying to figure out the best thing for him.
Rebecca,
Repeating a year is a great idea only for the emotional side.
What does your son thinks about going through year 9 again?
Schools do not like taking any responsibility over children. They rather parents make the decision themselves.
Some public schools would rather him do year 10 and leave the school after than have him for 2 years. ( many of the schools can choose not to accept him for year 11)
If you are moving to a new place and he is Ok with repeating, just go to the new school and say. “I would like to register him to year 9”. If they ask why, you say, this is our choice, we believe it will be the best for him.
Age is not a magical thing and there is no clock.
Parents have good intuition, trust yourself . If you think it is better for him to go over it again, go for it and make it happen.
The academic things are not the most important thing though it is an indication he is suffering and not managing
If I were in your situation, I would have insisted on repeating the year .
Ronit
I am in need of advice. My 6 year old son (born 20.05.2005) attended a Language Development Centre in WA for PP and Year 1 as he’d been identified as having a serious language development delay. However, half way through Year 1 his teacher requested that he undergo an IQ test as he was not progressing at the rate she felt he should be attaining.
The subsequent result has shown that he is ‘Borderline Mentally Disabled’ (a horrid label) and they therefore decided to exit him from the Centre at the end of the year as they felt he would not benefit from continuiing there.
However, his scores preclude him from going to an Educational Support Centre and he therefore has to attend a mainstream school.
Despite my request for him to repeat Year 1 this year, the Principal stated that there is no benefit for him to repeat the year.
I strongly feel that he is not emotionally mature enough to cope in Year 2 where he already has difficulties and no has to cope in an environment where he is the youngest too.
What would you advise?
Sharon,
I would stay away from schools that does IQ test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I studied special education 25 years ago. My teachers who were experts back then told us to stay away from the IQ tests and never,never,never,never use them or jump into conclusion reading the results.
When I moved to Australia, 10 years ago, someone told me, Ronit, Australia is 20 years behind in Education. I said ” no way, come on, what are you talking about? this is a modern place, modern place with technology. you must be exaggerating”
My first project was working with dyslexic kids . I worked for a very well known centre and when they gave me the kids, they gave me their IQ test.
I was shocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How on earth an IQ test help me in learning about the child’s problem?
The owner of the centre said to me “Ronit, Welcome to Australia!”
Every child can be taught and progress, even if he does have an organic problem.
1. I would take my child far away from this school.
2. I would remind the new school that it is your choice to keep him one more year behind. ( you need to live with the consequences of your choice)
3. find a special education teacher in your area that works on emotional intelligence and get your son to work on his EQ
4. find a school that focuses on other areas than academic: sport, art, music, science…
The system is disabled, do not let it blame you or your son for its disability to cater for different needs.
Truly, sometimes I think that they forgot what their job is.
Maybe educators should go through an oath -much like doctors.
Hi, my son repeated 2 times in school just now ,but the first one was because of my company in korea, he got good grades and passed the 1st grade but when we moved to the United States we decided to make repeat the 1st grade, but after in 5th grade we repeated him again because we wanted him to review the lessons again for a year,he could have pass the grade but instead we let him repeat, right now my son is in Brazil with my wife , she told me that Eric had to repeat again , I was very dissapointed to hear this situation, my son called me the other night that he didn’t know what his future was going to be from now, he has really wanted to be a great basketball player , he said he wanted to come back to LA but the problem was people in the airplane company said he can come to LA but he can’t enter the outside area , my son told me we ruined his life and he just wanted to give up on his life , he told me he was going to be laughed at by other kids because he is going to be 15 years old when he is in 7th grade and will be 16 when he is in 8th grade , now I really don’t know what to do for my son, I want to find out if he can enter the USA this month so he dosen’t have to repeat the 7th grade again, he said he just dosen’t want to be anything anymore because of me and my wife, he also said he won’t be accepted in any colleges that he has wanted to go to now because he will be reapeating 3 times , If you guys have any advices please tell me fast , because I just want my son to be happy in life and not give up on his future … thank you
Look into private tutoring or if there is a processing difficulty such organizations as “Brain Works” or “Brain Balance” here in the States. He should be able to catch up with outside help.
I think being 16 in grade 8 is not appropriate.
Maybe the school system is not the right place for him.
There are many other alternatives to school.
My heart goes out to your son. This would be difficult for any child to say the least. I would suggest additional help over the summer to get him where he needs to be whether it be a tutor or Kumon. It is also very important that your child feels he is loved by his parents. All parents love their kids and I’m sure you love your son. There is a difference in attitude and self esteem in children who feel loved. I recommend you and your wife read the 5 love languages for children. It has made a world of difference for us with our son. God Bless you!
I am in need of help! I have read so many articles that say retaining a child is negative. My son just turned 16 in October and is a junior in high school. He has never had problems academically as he is taking all AP classes and making good grades. The problem he is having is maturity wise and I feel so bad as a parent that I allowed him to start school early. I have spoken to counselors at his school and they all feel he is mature, but my son says himself he feels overwhelmed and is feels it is best he repeats the 11th grade. He has become withdrawn and feels know one understands him. I want to do what is best for my child, but I don’t want retaining him to mess up his chances of getting into college. If he is retained do to maturity and not academics would this cause him not to get into a good college? Please help I don’t know what else to do. I want my son to be happy and not miserable like he is right now. My son is set to graduate from high school in 2013 and honestly I don’t see him making it on his own. He is not ready for the world. Thank you for your time.
I would listen to your son.
If his reasons are genuine ( doesn’t want to stay with some friends or something like that) I would follow him.
Kids will do lots to avoid it but if they want to, go for it!
Davette,
listen to your son.
Davette,
If the child thinks this is what he should do, I would go with the child.
It is possible that that he is overwhelmed not because he is not in the right grade.
Does he have any friends?
What about hobbies?
School is not life.
My daughter is 11 and I have calculated with her that our of 40 hours every week that she spends in school, she is in doing school work for 15 hours and the rest she is doing things she love: drama, dance, singing, band, flute, netball.
Get him support emotionally. Goal setting, passion. School is not everything
It may be the grade but it may be something else or a combination of things.
He needs to be happy. Try to ask the school to repeat, if this does not work, try to empower him to do the things he wants to do in life.
Good luck
Ronit
Dear Ronit, i am so confused in regards my son who is in grade 1 in melbourne australia, in a public state school. He is will be 7 years old in Dec 2011 and is currently in a compisit class of grade 1 and 2. Him being in grade 1. He has been receiving additional help with his readind throughout the year and was rescently picked up for reading recovery in term 3. He has been showing improvement whilst being on RR but my husband and I were told by his teacher that he is 12months behind. I have gone to a behavioral optomitrist in whih i had his eyes checked and he did not need glasses. he also had a further assesment with the behavioral optomitrist looking into his auditory processing, which indicated he was below average in some areas. Since starting prep he has always been under the bench marks, he had a tough year in prep emotionally and was crying from start to finish with some happy momments in their aswell but i immidiately became concerned. He is now in grade 1 and emotionaly he is very happy however i can see how is getting better acedamicly but he is still under the bench marks. I approached his teacher in regards to him repeating grade 1 as he will start the year being 7 years old, but i am so afraid what it will do to him emotionally. I am really confused. Please what can i do?
Nadia,
so sorry it took me time to reply.
The year in Melbourne started this week.
I think being 7 in year 1 is not that much of a problem.
In my kids’ school the difference between the youngest one to the oldest is 2 years so it should not be an issue at all.
If repeating will help him emotionally, go for it. !
If it will help him academically ( because he hears everything the second time) that’s a bonus!
In your case, I would repeat the year.
Make sure though there is no learning difficulty as this will stay an obstacle even if he repeats the year.
My son is in 9th grade and we are considering keeping him back. He is the youngest in his class and we feel it will help. What are the potential; difficulties associated with such?
Mjg,
It is good to ask the child about what he thinks.
I had a client that her daughter went to a private school and suffered so much. She had so many problems, it was not funny. My suggestion was to find her another school that will be better for the girls’s skills and interests. At first the parents did not like the idea. At one stage, a month before the end of year, they took her out of school. she was home for a month, and the mother said the the whole house changed for the better. During that time the girl went to audition for a school that said she must do year 10 again. Her parents were worried but the girl was so happy she said she rather do year 10 again.
She is the happiest girl in the world. NO problems, parents happy, girl happy, family happy.
Talk to the kid
The best reason to repeat a year is not academic but social and emotional. schooling needs to be smooth, not easy, but not hard. If the child is suffering, do something.
Some kids consider repeating a year as a failure, a shame, in this case, it is dangerous to repeat a year.
Thank you for a great article about how we can fail children by relying on chronological age rather than emotional and social age. We held my son back a year and I am very confident that it was the right decision. Even after being held back a year, my son tends to fall on the less socially developed side of his class. If we had not held him back, he would have been alienated and frustrated with school. I am happy to report that he is well adjusted and a good student.
Thank you Daniel for sharing your story.
Some kids need more time. It is important not to make them think that the time they need is an indication something is wrong with them. Nothing is wrong with them and everything is wrong with a society that has an “autistic” approach to development.
Hi Ronit,
Your words are very supportive. I am thankful that you write in a very simple way a complex issue. I have an autistic child. He was diagnosed when he was 2 years old. Since then, he has had ABA, Speech, OT, and PT. Today, he is 5 years old. He is in a regular Kindergarten 5 days a week and one afternoon. Then, he is in a self contained autism classroom 4 afternoons a week. In relation with the typical peers, he is in the media. Because he will be 6 years on July, school believes that would be good to retain him in a regular Kindergarten with an aid. I believe that the best option would be first grade with an aide and extra support for academics. He is saying that he will be in 1st grade on September. He is very social and look at his classmates for learning. His improvement has been amazing since he shares a regular setting. He reads, do maths, loves music, and gym. Nobody really realizes that he is autistic. Do you think that I am pressing him too much?
I would like to receive your feedback,
Thank you very much,
Teresa
Hi Teresa,
I am not sure what happened to your comment but I can’t find any answer I gave you, which is not like me. I am sorry I didn’t reply before.
I think it is wonderful that he is in a normal setting and I have seen many, many , too many in fact, kids that were diagnosed with autism but were just digital kids with some autistic behaviors but they can be managed and many times the label of autism is worse than the symptoms.
I would never, never, never say to a kid that he is autistic, even if he was a perfect fit to the criteria.
Do you know why?
Because the attitude of others towards him will determine the way he treats himself.
I would tell him that he is normal , just like everyone else and everyone else has a unique way of learning and so does he.
The aid he needs is mainly to learn ways to manage the overwhelm. people think that autistic kids are not sensitive where in fact they are too sensitive and the reason they need routines and stick to ceremonial behavior, prefer eating the same things is that this is their way ( brilliant way) to mange the overwhelm of the input. Most of the time, they don’t need academic support but emotional support and the earlier they learn those tricks to “sift” the information. The better it is.
I personally would put in in a regular setting for most of the day for him to learn the behavior of kids who are not in overwhelm state.
I would not call it pressing him too much. I would say you are worried for him.
It is love, it is not pressure and you just need to divert it to a different way.
Being anxious about what will be his future is not healthy for you nor for him.
I personally know many people (very close to me) that if you did the autism test, you would find out they were autistic , big time, but no one ever told them they are and they are doing brilliantly. ( still ceremonial, perfectionists, overwhelmed and it can be limiting for them at times but the label is even more limiting)
Tell me how your son is doing and again, sorry I didn’t reply before.
Happy parenting
Ronit
Hi Lower Child Support ,
Thanks, I am glad you liked it.
The “System” is all we have. There are wonderful things in this system and we sure need to do our best to improve the parts that not functioning very well.
Happy parenting
Ronit
interesting article. the system is broken and needs to be fixed.
Power to parents!
Hi Lindsay,
I would recommend reading some about Auditory kids because many times they are diagnosed with auditory processing problem and nothing is really wrong with them, they just think differently and the way school and class structured is not very good for them.
Read about auditory kids here:
https://www.ronitbaras.com/focus-on-the-family/parenting-family/how-to-stimulate-auditory-kids/
About repeating a year.
I personally against repeating a year unless it is done early early and kids need more emotional time. Academically repeating a year is a waste of time – in my opinion.
Emotional support needs to happen regardless of whether your child stays a year or not. Give him what he needs. If school did not give him that when he was in grade 4 – what makes you think they will give it next year.
When you say, he will not cope, what do you mean?
in your case, composite 4/5 could be a better option for him.
If your kid is auditory – make sure his teacher is not yelling too much because this could shut him totally fro absorbing any information. (oh, do not use angry tone of voice with him at all- this is just not the good strategy with auditory kids)
As Gal said, if you want a personal advice, write me through the contact us page.
Happy parenting
Ronit
Family Matters
My son is in grade 4 and will be 10 in July. He is in a composite 3/4. He is emotionally young and has a mild auditory processing problem which affects his listening and completing of tasks. But he is very smart especially in maths. We cannot see him coping with a 5/6 class next year and more so at high school and this is the best year to repeat if we go ahead with it. HELP! He is not that confident now and we worry about his self-esteem if we do this. But in the bigger picture it seems like the right thing to do.others out there with similar age children who can help?
Hi Lindsay,
For the auditory problem, you may be able to find a solution through a speech therapist. This may also help with the emotional side, as your son’s confidence may increase with better processing.
If you would like some personal advice, please contact us.
Kind regards,
Gal
HI Jo,
As I wrote to Donna, keeping kids another year is better in transition years. prep to 1 or if your school starts at year 1 than from 1 to 2 or primary to high school. Academic is not a good reason to do that but only developmental reasons.
Schools have different philosophies about things but after all , you are taking the full responsibility on your kids schooling because you are going to be with him and support him all they way up.
look at me, I think that putting up a year because kids are smart is not a good idea. As a special education teacher I will recommend parents to stimulate kids and not jump and what happened to me?
My son was very smart and started having problems due to low stimulation in prep class. he could read books, Chapter books at age 5 and thought that everyone around was stupid.
The only option the school gave me was to jump one year level. Now, I tell other people not to do that and I needed to do that. I was not happy at all!
I dedicated 6 month to check my options. assessments, psychologist and realized that in this rate, giving him extra stimulation, buying him advanced books to work in class, being in a constant connection with the teacher is going to happen every year, every year, every year and I didn’t think I could take that risk that every year we will be at the mercy of the teacher so we have decided to jump.
Still, if you ask me, I would not recommend this to anyone but with the circumstances we had, it was the best choice.
So, sometimes, it is not what you want but the best option to choose. remember, what the school thinks is one thing but you are the customer and what you think counts!
Happy parenting
Ronit
Family Matters
HI Donna,
I feel so bad about seeing your question here and me not answering…
I know it is a bit late now but this is what I think about repeating a year in school.
If repeating is advised – prep is the best time to do it or the transition year to high school.
Some schools change classes every year so kids have new friends anyway so they don’t feel behind their peers because they change friends every year.
Speech problems are developmental so repeating another year and supporting her in that year is a good idea while repeating a year without any extra support will not benefit her.
I am sure that there is a risk of damaging the self esteem but the question is always which one is going to be worst.
your teacher is right, there is no “perfect choice”. if you keep her one year, it is a risk. if you go to grade 1 you take a risk and the system do not like taking responsibility on that risk.
I would say, keep her another year in prep only because I learned to trust the parent. If the kid is struggling too much in school and parents feel they can’t cope, it means they can’t cope.
Another reason for me to say, keep her in prep one more year is that because it is prep, the risk is smaller.
Good luck
Ronit
Family Matters
I have a child that is behind in her reception class and I feel exactly the same as Donna why are they putting her in a class, when they know she won’t be able to do the work.
I’ve been told it’s because it’s school and government policy and her self asteem will be affected if she’s held back a year.
Surely it will be affected when she can’t do the work and is left way behind her peers
Hello Ronit,
i have a dilema of deciding weather my son should repeat prep or go onto grade 1.He has been assesed by an educational physycologist and speach therapists and it is decided that he has speach and language delays and is 1 yr behind the average child in his yr.It has been recommended that repeating dosnt always help children and my belief is that why should he go to grade 1 when he wil not be able to do any of the wrk i felt that would give him lower self esteem and other implications could come into play such as becoming the class clown to compensate for his lack of knowledge.
It has been put to us that him repeating could have a similar impact on him as his peers will be going up and he will not be. My husband and i cannot agree on a decision as we dnt know wat the best decision is with the least amount of self issues.
The teachers keep telling us u cannot know what the right outcome is until its done and played out for the yr as a light could switch on for him nxt yr.
Please help us or guide us with this decision the school has given us 1 wk to make our minds up.
Regards very confused Donna
Hi Sandra,
Children have different “memories”. If your child is auditory, he may not remember the things he reads in a book, so you can try reading to him, or advising him to read aloud. He may also need to move while he learns.
Use the search box at the top right of the page (under “related posts”) to search for “communication styles” and try to determine your child’s style. Then, help your child arrange their learning for better results.
Whatever the outcome, instead of treating it as a “problem”, it is better to encourage learning when it happens.
Good luck,
Ronit
Kids Coaching
i dont know why my child cant memory long time he study eveyday 3,4 hours after 2,3 days when i ask his question in course book he forget everything
he catch it immediately but his mail problem he forget early this is my problem he is very shy cild he cant share his problem i try to be a friendly i dont know whats wrong wih him this is my serous problem if u have solve my problem this is very great ful to u
sandra