The Art of Letting Go: Be Right or Be Kind

Choose being kind over being right and you’ll be right every time
– Richard Carlson

I think the desire to be right is another survival mechanism that humans use in order to manage uncertainty. The belief that the truth is absolute and that our aim in life is to find it and live by it is false. Trying to make others live by our truth is even worse. This mindset brings lots of pain and misery to everybody and if we want happiness to come into our life, we need to let go of our desire to be right.

The desire to be right is always accompanied by the risk of losing the relationship, because the question who is right only appears when there is a conflict. Being right is another part of our identity, our emotional “skeleton”, and most people believe that letting go of it might make them unstable. In fact, people who have a high need to be right are trying to overcome a deep feeling inside of them that they are wrong. People who are secure trust that they are OK, that their beliefs are good for them and that they only need to follow what is right for them, so they do not need to “prove their points” to others.

The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind
– Albert Camus

The concept of being right is a relative concept and always stands opposite being wrong. When you have a high need to advertise your “rightness”, you are trying to force your surroundings to fit into your definition of right and wrong. This is the source of many conflicts in our society. In relationships between parents and children, the parents often think that they are “right” and their kids are, well, just too young to know what to do. This continues at school, where many teachers think that they hold the absolute truth about what and how kids must learn (and why). Sometimes, it leads all the way to relationship breakdown and, in extreme cases, even to war.

Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong
– Unknown

I dare say that every conflict is a conflict on “rightness”.

But is it even possible to have a conflict between two parties and for both of them to be right?

Yes!

Absolutely!

When two people look at a cone from different angles, they may see different things. If they have to approach this shape from where they stand, they may approach it differently. For someone viewing from the side of the cone, it looks like a triangle, but for someone viewing from the top, it looks like a circle with a dot in the middle. These two people might have a conflict, with one of them screaming, “But this is a triangle” and the other one crying out, “How come you can’t see that this is a circle? Are you blind?” Both of them are looking at the same shape and both are right, but no matter how long they talk about it or try to sort out the conflict, they will both keep seeing the shape from their own perspective.

Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy
– Aristotle

Many people find it hard to let go of the desire to be right all the time and they cannot stand the thought of not being right, not to mention being wrong. The result of that is always risking damaging their relationships and causing themselves and others stress and pain. The desire to be “right” is a struggle to protect a fragile ego.

The way to let go of wanting to be right in every conflict is to you ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or kind?” and to do some act of kindness towards the other person.

You can either practice being right or practice being kind
– Unknown

Kindness is a good cure for many things. Being kind gives the other person permission to see a circle with a point in the middle eases the stress that the conflict creates. Sometimes, not pointing out that the cone looks like a triangle from where you are standing can be an act of kindness.

Warning: letting go is something we do within ourselves. We cannot tell others this is what they need to do, because that imposes what we think is “right” on them.

Choose from the quotes below those that mean the most to you and post them in visible places. This will remind you to let go of wanting to be right.

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment
– Benjamin Franklin

War does not determine who is right – only who is left
– Bertrand Russell

If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. Men will believe what they see
– Henry David Thoreau

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist
– Friedrich Nietzsche

You can either practice being right or practice being kind
– Unknown

My father passed on one important piece of relationship advice before he died. He said son, in a relationship you can either be right or you can be happy. You’ll soon find out that you don’t care that much about being right
– Ralphie May