Motivating Kids (3)

Motivation techniques

Every person has different motivation tools. Some people are motivated by “carrots” (encouragement and rewards) and others by “sticks” (threats and punishments). Some want to get something for their efforts and others do things to avoid being hurt or feeling bad. I will describe all the motivation tools, but I would like to encourage you to shift away from sticks and towards carrots. In my opinion, sticks are short term motivators, but they are draining and stressing both for parents and for kids. Success on a test to avoid negative parental reaction has an expensive emotional price attached to it – fear, stress and loss of trust.

Praise and Appreciation

Praise and appreciation are carrot-type motivators that work easily and create long lasting effects. They are free and do not require any preparation or special set up.

Kids will do a lot for a kind word from their parents. This is so important, I know many grownups who have dedicated their life to making their parents say “one good thing” about them.

The simplest way to use praise for motivation is to say good things about your kids every day for every little thing. Unfortunately, we tend to say things when our kids do not do what we expect of them. Imagine that your kids have a “praise and appreciation bowl”. When it is full, you can motivate them to do anything, but when it is empty, it will be a challenge to motivate them to do even the smallest things.

Tips

1. Praise and appreciation do not require a special occasion. “You eat so cleanly”, “Thank you for helping” and “I love you” are good things to say for no reason. In that sense, every day is a special occasion.
2. Praise and appreciation are easy to use when you feel happy and appreciated, but are more important when you are not. When you feel upset, find something good to say anyway. Focusing on positives can only make you feel better.
3. In the relationship with your kids, you are the adult, so you need to start. Do not expect praise and appreciation in return for yours. Your kids’ bowls need to be full before they can start giving back. If you need help with your bowl, ask other adults for it (or a professional helper, like a life coach).
4. Boys and girls need the same appreciation and praise.
5. Kids need the same appreciation and praise at every age.
6. Use the list below and put it in an accessible place to allow you to learn some statements from it.
7. Pick the statements you feel more conferrable with and use them a lot.
8. Every day, before your kids go to sleep, ask yourself, “How many times did I praise or appreciate my kids today?” Make sure your kids do not go to sleep before getting 10 praises a day. You can kiss them goodnight and tell them great things about themselves or you can write notes and put them in your kids’ lunch box, send them an email, text them on their mobile…
9. Teach your kids to praise and appreciate themselves. In our family, we have self-praising ceremonies, in which each person says good things about him/herself. At dinnertime, each of us tells about one great thing we did today. When I know my kids are proud of themselves for something, I ask, “How do you feel about it?” or “What do you think about yourself?” and this prompts them to say good things about themselves.

100 Things to Say to My Daughters

I gave Amanda, one of my private parenting clients, an assignment to make a list called “100 things to say to my daughters”. Amanda’s home became a warm and positive place using this list.

Use this list for praise and appreciation ideas. You can easily change “girl” to “boy” and “mom” to “dad” to suit yourself.

1. I am happy you are my daughter
2. You are so beautiful
3. I am so happy to see you drawing
4. You are so smart
5. That’s a good piece of work
6. You are concentrating very well
7. Well done!
8. You are very responsible
9. You are growing so well
10. It’s great you know what you want
11. You are very independent
12. You are cute
13. You are singing so beautifully
14. It is good you are positive
15. Your teacher loves you
16. It is great that you are persistent
17. You are such a great helper
18. You are so good at …
19. You are playing so nice together
20. Your skin is so soft
21. You have a magic touch
22. Let’s hug. You are my teddy bear
23. Good job!
24. You are very mature
25. Excellent!
26. It is OK to be upset sometimes
27. You are my baby
28. You are friendly
29. You are wonderful
30. Everyone loves you
31. You are playing so nicely with friends
32. You are getting along so well with your sister
33. I am proud of you for playing quietly while I am asleep
34. It is great to hear you talking to each other at night, like two fairies
35. It excites me to see you doing things together
36. Look at you! You got dressed all by yourself
37. Thank you for helping me
38. Your hair is beautiful
39. I am glad you are trying even when it is hard
40. Your tummy is soft
41. You are sweet
42. You can do it
43. You make us a happy family
44. You are very strong
45. It is hard, but I am happy you are not giving up
46. You are such a good girl
47. You are excellent
48. I have fun with you
49. Thank you!
50. You and I grow together. It’s wonderful
51. You are fun
52. You are wonderful
53. I am proud that …
54. I appreciate it when …
55. You are the most … girl
56. You make me so happy
57. You are the best thing that ever happened to me
58. You are a good friend
59. To be a wonderful mom, I need wonderful kids and you are a wonderful kid
60. You can do anything you want in life, I will help you do it
61. You have a wonderful smile
62. You have a big heart
63. You are so gentle with your sister
64. You are so considerate
65. I am so proud, I am like a peacock thanks to you
66. You are good
67. I trust you …
68. You are healthy and your body is strong and can heal anything
69. You are special
70. I am the proudest mom in the world
71. If I’m sad, I only need to think about you and my sadness disappears
72. You are brave
73. You are important to me
74. You are my treasure
75. You make me feel like a special mom
76. I can help if you need me
77. You are so joyous
78. You are so happy
79. You have made my day
80. You make me laugh
81. I am happy you are taking good care of yourself
82. It is great that you try different kinds of food
83. You are my sunshine
84. You are the love of my life
85. You can trust yourself
86. I will always help you
87. I will always be here for you
88. You are such a great traveler
89. Just tell me when you need my help
90. I am so happy you are adventurous
91. You are very understanding
92. Everyone thinks highly of you
93. You rock!
94. You dance so beautifully
95. I admire you for …
96. Every mom would love to have a kid like you
97. A girl like you is every mom’s dream
98. Being your mom makes me so happy
99. You make parenting so wonderful for me
100. I love you!

Summary

1. Praise and appreciation is the most basic motivating technique and the easiest
2. Kids have a bowl of praises that needs to be filled by their parents.