Motivation techniques

Every person has different motivation tools. Some people are motivated by “carrots” (encouragement and rewards) and others by “sticks” (threats and punishments). Some want to get something for their efforts and others do things to avoid being hurt or feeling bad. I will describe all the motivation tools, but I would like to encourage you to shift away from sticks and towards carrots. In my opinion, sticks are short term motivators, but they are draining and stressing both for parents and for kids. Success on a test to avoid negative parental reaction has an expensive emotional price attached to it – fear, stress and loss of trust.

Praise and Appreciation

Praise and appreciation are carrot-type motivators that work easily and create long lasting effects. They are free and do not require any preparation or special set up.

Kids will do a lot for a kind word from their parents. This is so important, I know many grownups who have dedicated their life to making their parents say “one good thing” about them.

The simplest way to use praise for motivation is to say good things about your kids every day for every little thing. Unfortunately, we tend to say things when our kids do not do what we expect of them. Imagine that your kids have a “praise and appreciation bowl”. When it is full, you can motivate them to do anything, but when it is empty, it will be a challenge to motivate them to do even the smallest things.

Tips

Praise and appreciation do not require a special occasion. “You eat so cleanly”, “Thank you for helping” and “I love you” are good things to say for no reason. In that sense, every day is a special occasion.
Praise and appreciation are easy to use when you feel happy and appreciated, but are more important when you are not. When you feel upset, find something good to say anyway. Focusing on positives can only make you feel better.
In the relationship with your kids, you are the adult, so you need to start. Do not expect praise and appreciation in return for yours. Your kids’ bowls need to be full before they can start giving back. If you need help with your bowl, ask other adults for it (or a professional helper, like a life coach).
Boys and girls need the same appreciation and praise.
Kids need the same appreciation and praise at every age.
Use the list below and put it in an accessible place to allow you to learn some statements from it.
Pick the statements you feel more conferrable with and use them a lot.
Every day, before your kids go to sleep, ask yourself, “How many times did I praise or appreciate my kids today?” Make sure your kids do not go to sleep before getting 10 praises a day. You can kiss them goodnight and tell them great things about themselves or you can write notes and put them in your kids’ lunch box, send them an email, text them on their mobile…
Teach your kids to praise and appreciate themselves. In our family, we have self-praising ceremonies, in which each person says good things about him/herself. At dinnertime, each of us tells about one great thing we did today. When I know my kids are proud of themselves for something, I ask, “How do you feel about it?” or “What do you think about yourself?” and this prompts them to say good things about themselves.

100 Things to Say to My Daughters

I gave Amanda, one of my private parenting clients, an assignment to make a list called “100 things to say to my daughters”. Amanda’s home became a warm and positive place using this list.

Use this list for praise and appreciation ideas. You can easily change “girl” to “boy” and “mom” to “dad” to suit yourself.