Clingy kids can be very exhausting. We love them very much but we want to be able to do things without them from time to time. I have met many parents who are fighting this clinginess and they express a lot of frustration. I think the exhausting thing not necessary the clinginess itself. It is more from the fight, the feeling of failure and the expectation that it should be different.
This week, I received a question on my blog from Mel, the mother of a 9-year-old boy, who wanted to know how to deal with a clingy child.
Here is what I wrote Mel. I hope you will find it encouraging. Most importantly, it is not as bad as it looks.
Dear Mel,
Clinginess is a reflection of a child’s confidence and trust in the world. The more clingy he is, the less confident he is. Kids are born dependent on a parent and they need to slowly build confidence to develop independence.
This process works in a cycle. Kids are dependent based on how confident they are. If they do not have confidence, they cling to the parent figure. The more they cling, the less confidence they have. In the other direction, the more confident they are, the safer they feel when they leave the parent to explore the world. The more they explore, the more confidence they gain
This process is very natural. There is nothing to worry about. Some go through it easily and others less so. Parents can contribute greatly to one side or the other by letting go of their need to control.
Success experiences, compliments, encouragement, softness, kindness, help, support, knowledge, and talent contribute to confidence and the child can let go of mum/dad and try new things. If he is clingy, it is not because something is wrong with him, it is because he does not have enough confidence to let go of you.
It is very frustrating, but also manageable. I personally know people who are over 40 who are still clingy. It sounds funny but even adults sometimes need to depend on someone. Still, they are very successful in life. They have challenges but can still go to school, go to university, have jobs, be in relationships. They were dependent on their mothers as kids and simply swapped it for a wife later on. Not ideal but manageable. The worst case for your son, Mel, will be for him to find someone else to cling to.
The only way to un-cling a child is to spend more energy on building confidence than trying to minimize clinginess. The more attention you give to the undesired behavior, the more you will see it occur. It is a vicious cycle.
To know more about how to build confidence, check out my self esteem series. It has 18 chapters of tips on how to help your son build confidence.
Happy parenting,
Ronit
Ronit,
I just want to say, I found your article on clingy kids remarkable. Rather than the same old drivel, you actually understand that some kids are clingy and they may even grow up to be clingy! Nobody says that! It’s always psychobabble or tips on how to change or ditch your clingy kid. “Stick to routine” “say goodbye and leave”
I want to tell you, I was a clingy kid. My mother had four other kids, none of whom was particularly clingy. She left me at preschool though she was a stay-home mom, and I’d cry hysterically and she’d sneak out every morning. Parents want to believe their kid perks up as soon as they leave, but I did miss my mom during the day.
And now my daughter, who just turned three, is clingy. She’s been clingy since infancy. Velcro. I was FLOORED by it. But, while it sometimes drives me nuts, I understand her. Because I was clingy, too.
However, she is a very outgoing, friendly, humorous child. Highly verbal, cracks jokes and makes people laugh. She’s doesn’t seem too lacking in confidence. She just barely leaves me alone. She goes through phases, sometimes more independent, such as playing on our property in the gardens, or playing at the playgroup. But in general, she loves to be with me most of the time and gets upset otherwise.
Here’s the thing. I DID grow up to be a clingy adult. I married late but my spouse was previously married to an extremely UN-clingy woman who was content to sit in front of the TV or be with her relatives and never wanted to go places with him, etc. She was the opposite of me, so emotionally independent it was not good for marriage. After 18 years with a distant spouse, he divorced (she was very nice about it and happier without him!). Years later, we are married. He’s a wonderful husband and, while I’m sure it’s not ideal, he does vastly prefer a clingy wife who adores him to a highly independent one who didn’t.
Also, I found that the less he pushed me away, the more I trusted him and felt less clingy. So I’m less clingy than I was and he learned to live with a clingy person. We have a very loving marriage and a fun relationship, we’re a great team.
You are right. Clingy people may not be ideal, but it’s livable.
Also, we are loyal people.
So, I try not to push my daughter away too much. Sometimes I have to to get some space to think, but I DO understand her, and I will never dump her off at daycare and sneak out while she cries. NEVER.
Thank you for understanding that clingy kids aren’t necessarily going to change, they can be less clingy but that just may be part of who they are.
Maybe some of us just learn to live with it. I rather embrace my clingy self and I don’t feel bad about it anymore.
Dear Eve,
Thank you for your comment.
It is wonderful you understand your daughter from a personal perspective. if it is not a big deal for you, it won’t be a big deal for her.
In some relationships someone who is clingy can be suffocating or can be flattering and at the same time, someone who is independent can be perceived as confident or “doesn’t care”. your example with your husband is a great example of how your clinginess can compliments the partner’s desire for attention.
It is good to remember that there is no right or wrong clinginess level, there is only what works for you and what doesn’t.
letting go gradually is the name of the game. When people ask me what is the pace? I say, try a small change and if it works, great! if it won’t, let go, try again in three weeks. Continue like this for the rest of your life. We have to stretch ourselves like this forever. Small steps!
I’m glad you bumped into the blog and thank you very much for contributing your story. I’m sure other readers will be inspired by you.
Happy holidays
Ronit