This year, Gal and I are celebrating our 34th Valentine’s Day and we are very proud and happy to be together. We are also sad to look around and see that fewer and fewer couples are able to find happiness and love on this day. Over the last five years, more of my clients experienced relationship breakdowns than ever before. Divorce and separation are very sad and challenging for the couple and for their families.
This week, I received a request from a radio show to share 5 Valentine’s Day tips with their listening couples. This made me think that I have many more tips and the fill list from my relationship tool kit is below.
I highly recommend having such a list for yourself. If you could give other couples advice on how to have a happy relationship, what would you say? Write down your ideas and read them every once in a while (even I have to read my own advice from time to time, especially in tough times).
Happy Valentine’s Day Tips
- Take responsibility for yourself. Do not blame your partner.
- Relationship are like plants, you have to water them.
- Sometimes, silence is golden. Listen more than you talk.
- You cannot expect your partner to be like the men or women you see in the media (e.g. men as aggressive and women as vain).
- Relationships involve give and take. If you are being controlling, you are constantly taking. If you let your partner take care of things, you are constantly giving. Both of you will be exhausted eventually.
- Your partner is not a substitute for your parents.
- Your partner is not your psychologist and he/she is not in charge of fulfilling all of your emotional needs or correcting all of your childhood pain.
- Don’t complain or criticize. Relationship that last adopt an, “I am OK, You’re OK” framework. Complaining and criticizing do not encourage this kind of mentality. If criticize and complain when something goes wrong in your relationship, you are not helping. In fact, you may be making things worse.
- If you don’t have anything good to say, shut up.
- I highly recommend having a joint bank account(s) once you get married. This is one of the biggest exercises of trust.
- Never go to sleep angry.
- If you had an argument and you were right, refrain from saying “I told you so”. It is annoying and no one likes it – not even you. It goes against an “I am OK, You’re OK” mentality.
- It is very romantic to think that when you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone, you become one. In reality, this is not true. You are two separate people and you are entitled to think differently from each other. Keep this in mind before you make a commitment to someone.
- Make sure to spent time away from your partner. Take up a hobby that is just yours, have friends you see without him/her, and spend time alone. It is true what they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.
- Have a date night once a week. This has worked wonders for Gal and I for the last 34 years.
- Take into consideration that once kid arrive, they look to both parents as role models. Marry someone who will be a good role model for your children, and of course, be one yourself.
- Relationship is all about building cases. At any point in time, we can build a case against our partner and find proof that he/she is an ass or that he/she is awesome. Make sure you pay attention to your cases. Are you justifying staying together or separation?
- Life is not a rehearsal and you not the director of your relationship. You are not practicing living with someone until you turn him/her into the part you want him to play in your life. Love means you accept him/her as is not try to change them. It does not mean you love everything they do, but it means you have calculated those things you like and those you don’t and decided to be together despite his/her weaknesses. Do not blame your partner for your choices.
- Agree to disagree. This will save you a lot of heartache.
- Don’t promise to be or do anything “till death do you part” . You are not a fortune teller and you cannot know what will happen. You can only promise to work on the relationship again and again. Every challenge is a test and if you pass the test your relationship will flourish.
- Say “please” and “thank you!” even if you have been together 20 years.
- Treasure good memories. They come in handy when times are tough.
- In a fight, our brains go back to their primitive state: fight or flight. That is all we can think about. Nothing good can come of pushing on with a disagreement in this state. If one of you is in this mode, take some distance from each other, calm down and try again in a couple of hours.
- Do not argue when you are tired.
- Do not discuss important things when you are hungry.
- Sex is important. Make sure it is fun and not a chore. The good news is that the passion does not disappear your kids are born. You just have to sort out your priorities. If you are feeling uninterested in sex, something may be wrong. Go see your doctor.
- Always say goodbye with a hug and a kiss.
- When you are away from home more than usual, call to check in.
- In an argument, it does not matter who is “right”. If you feel that “being right” is the most important thing, you may find yourself in more arguments than most. Thinking you are “right” is not in line with the “I’m OK, You’re OK” mentality. Often there is no right or wrong in an argument. What if you are both right?
- Do not expect your partner to read your mind.
- Make sure you have more enjoyable experiences than painful ones in your relationship. If the ratio of pain is greater than pleasure, your relationship will suffer.
- Never start an angry sentence with “You!”.It is a blaming word and can lead only down.
- From time to time, ask your partner, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
- Do not use the word “but” in your arguments. It is a sign for your partner that you are justifying your own position.
- Some books on couple communication suggest talking about how you feel. This is a good idea but this is easily misunderstood. Saying how you feel means things like, “I feel happy/sad/angry/frustrated/disheartened”. It does not mean that you feel something about your partner. “I feel like you are ignoring me/being mean/doing it on purpose” does not count as talking about your feelings just because you started the sentence with “I feel”.
- Do not fight about money. Divorcing because of arguments over money is a little ironic because divorce is much more expensive than staying together.
- A note for men: how much money you earn is no indication of the size of your penis. Your income is not the way to your partner’s heart.
- A note for women: raising children is not the only reason you exist. It is a very fulfilling role but it is not the only thing you are! You are much more than just a mother.
- Do not try to be super moms and super dads. You can’t be there for everyone all the time. It is only human not to be able to do everything. Forgive yourself and help your children be more realistic with their expectations.
- You are not your parents. When you start a new life together with a partner or you decide to start your own family, assess what your parents did and adopt only that things you like. Get rid of everything you do not appreciate or did not like as a child (or as an adult). This sounds like a simple exercise but it can be difficult to do. We may feel like we are criticizing the people who worked hard to give us a good life. But humans are meant to evolve. We cannot improve if we are not honest with ourselves. If at first you find nothing you want to change from your parents’ behavior, give yourself some time. Find a quiet and safe space, and be honest with yourself.
- Give your partner a compliment once a day.
- From time to time, tell your partner what you love and appreciate about them.
- Make a list of phrases that show appreciation and love. Use them every day in your conversations with your partner.
- Make a list of the things that make you happy. Share it with your partner so he/she can help you and you can help them feel happy.
- Take care of yourself. It takes two to tango and you have to hold up your side of the bargain. Take care of yourself so you have the energy and strength to take care of your relationship.
- Discuss your expectations of relationships when you are still dating and before you make a commitment.
- Define what respect means to you. Do this regularly so that it become one thing you both receive from each other.
- Never, never lie to each other. Once broken, trust is something that is hard to mend.
- Make sure work does not become the center of your universe. This can affect your relationship negatively.
- Imagine yourself growing old together.
- If you find it hard to communicate, write each other letters.
- Be positive! This will impact everything in your life, including your relationship.
- Never shame or humiliate your partner in public (or in private).
- Never air your dirty laundry in public. Gossiping will only make your problems worse. If you need to share and get outside help, talk to someone who is not going to make your issues public knowledge.
- Hope is a very important currency when things go wrong. Stay hopeful that things can get better. What you believe becomes reality. Like the saying, “If you think you can or think you can’t, you are always right”.
- When things are hard, say “this too shall pass”.
- Fantasizing about other men or women is not a crime and not a betrayal. It is very natural and can even improve your relationship.
- Have nicknames for each other and use them even if you are angry.
- Encourage your partner to do the things her/she loves doing. If they are happy, your relationship can only get better.
- Pick your battles! Don’t treat everything as critical and important. There is a limit to how long people can regulate their emotions. Not everything is 100% essential.
- If you are using the phrase “He/she needs to…” about your partner, it means you are expecting him/her to change. Relationships are a two person street. It is not always about what you want.
- Never use your kids in an argument against your partner.
- If you are in the heat of an argument, ask yourself, “What will be the significance of this incident in 5 years?” If your answer is that it will be completely insignificant, let it go!
- When you are together, be together and give each other your full and undivided attention.
- Make sure there is a lot of variety in your lives so you will never be bored.
- Aim to keep your arguments away from your kids.
- Have a lock on your bedroom door to allow for you guys as a couple to have privacy, especially when you have kids.
- Tell your partner your version of “I will follow you to the ends of the Earth.” It is something couples cherish in times of trouble.
- Have sex regularly. Aim to increase it. It will help you feel better about yourself, your relationship and your enjoyment.
- Personalities change. Ours and our partner’s. This can put a strain on relationships, especially if that change is not favorable. Learn to accept and embrace change. It will allow you to grow and evolve together.
- Show love and affection towards each other in front of your kids.
- Always celebrate anniversaries.
- Never say bad things about your partner to others.
- Learn each other’s love languages.
- You don’t have to agree on politics. Don’t try!
- Agree on money matters. Many couples divorce over arguments regarding money. Money earned is for the family, not for personal use. If you need it for personal use, agree on it before hand.
- Never spend family money without your partner’s consent. This will haunt you for the rest of your relationship. Trust me, it is not worth it.
- Being open with each other does not mean saying everything that goes through your head. It definitely does not mean complaining and sharing with your partner absolutely every bad thought you have. Being open means you feel free to share both the good and the bad. I would suggest having more good than bad,, but at least aim for balanced expression.
- Discuss your sex preferences. It is OK to say what you like and it increases the chances of getting what you want.
- Do not keep secrets from each other.
- Do not complain to your partner about his/her parents. It is useless. If you do not want your in-laws to play a role in your relationship, don’t complain about them. That just puts them right in the middle.
- Have your own rituals in your relationship (e.g. a bedtime ritual). It builds the bond between you.
- Do not get anyone involved in your bedroom behavior. Do not share your intimate details with others. It is called intimacy for a reason.
- Relationships are not accounting. If you start thinking about how much more you did than your partner (“Why me?”, “It is my turn”, “What about me?!”), something is wrong. Love and accounting cannot live in the same house. More accounting equals less love.
- Say what you love about your partner, not what you don’t.
- In an argument, pay attention to the feeling behind what your partner is saying. Sometimes, the exact words do not matter. It is the feeling he/she is trying to express that is important.
- It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. Happiness is a choice and it is a choice no one can make for you, not even someone who loves you dearly.
- You need to fall in love with your partner again and again. We change throughout life, and it takes active choices to continue to love a changed person. Make a plan on how to do it and do it!
- Give each other some space!
- You are not your partner’s editor; do not try to fix him/her.
- Your partner is not an extension of you. Give him/her the freedom to be themselves.
- In every argument, remember that what we think is our own interpretation of what happened. Interpretation is not reality.
- Touch is important. Even just a small stroke down an arm can make a huge impact. Make sure to touch your partner often. Like apples keep doctors away, “12 hugs a day will keep divorce away”.
- Your partner does not need to complete you. You are whole completely on your own. Your partner complements you.
- In an argument, don’t bring up the past. It will just end badly. Leave it where it needs to be, in the past. The only time that it is a good idea to bring up the past, is when the past was good. That way, you can relive them.
- The grass is not greener in any other people’s relation. Understand that every couple has their struggles, just like you. This mindset will help you feel more motivated to invest in your own relationship.
- Leave each other signs of your love around the house.
- Learn to forgive. We all do the best we can with what we have, even if two minutes later, we realized it didn’t work well. Be forgiving, practice non-attachment and your life will be so much easier.
- Divorce is not a solution to your relationship problems. If you still have problems, it just means you haven’t found a solution, yet!
I hope my Valentine’s Day tips will help your relationship grow.
Be happy,
Ronit
