The main difference between people who succeed in life and those who do not is what they do next. This is also the difference between parents who raise happy and successful kids and those who do not.
While I was thinking about this topic, I remembered a quote by an American president about taking action. When I looked it up, it turned out to be by Theodore Roosevelt, who is also quoted as saying many other highly appropriate things. I will include these within this post for your enjoyment and your (kids’) benefit.
Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering
– Theodore Roosevelt
Stopping progress
The best way to keep yourself right where you are and place yourself at the mercy of your circumstances, or your kids’ behavior, is to keep finding reasons for not making any progress.
No matter what anyone says to you, what are the chances it will be perfect? None. So you can always respond with, “Oh, no, this doesn’t cover everything”, or words to that effect.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month
– Theodore Roosevelt
In fact, this conversation quickly turns into a competitive game or battle of wits, where the other person, a friend, a partner or a parent, comes up with more refined ways to move forward and you come up with clever reasons why they will not work.
I call this being in “why not” mode, because they question you keep trying to answer is “Why not take any action”. You make an emotional decision that the situation is hopeless and defend it fiercely, proving yourself “right” by poking holes in any different opinion, no matter how useful it might be.
It is like a tank that has set a course, stuck on the most powerful gear at full throttle. There is a lot of force and a lot of noise, and anything in the way gets squashed. If you have ever seen a tank, you know the driver can only see through slits, so that bit is also the same…
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing
– Theodore Roosevelt
An important aspect of this type of resistance is also a keen focus on the current collection of symptoms, with saying like, “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m too upset” or “Can’t you see I’ve gotten nowhere with this already?”
The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats
– Theodore Roosevelt
Another important aspect is that a “why not” conversation puts a person who is trying to help you “on the other side”. It creates conflict and intensifies the conflict with every round of idea and rejection. Pretty quickly, the other person, who initially just wanted to be helpful and make you feel good, gets tired of your denial, criticism and dismissal and think to themselves, “Well, this is nuts. I want him/her to feel better more than he/she does. I’m outa here”.
It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things
– Theodore Roosevelt
Recognize any of these interactions in your life?
Taking action
On the other hand, a focus on the desired outcomes and a broader view of the current situation as merely a (painful) step on the way to ultimate success, results in a very different kind of thinking and very different questions – What and How. There are particularly useful with kids, because nobody is a lost cause at the age of 3, no matter how many times we claim it aloud.
Believe you can and you’re halfway there
– Theodore Roosevelt
A good What question is “What’s the underlying problem here?” It helps us look past the symptoms towards things we may be able to change. Parents are often upset by their children’s behavior in front of other people and focus all of their attention on the child, but the underlying problem may be hunger, physical discomfort or even something the parent might have said.
Another What question is “What have I done that contributed to the current situation?” It helps us to recognize our own actions and interpretations, which are under our control, and to take responsibility of our part in the problem and therefore the solution. Parenting is mostly about leading by example. When dealing with children, this is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself, because if Mommy/Daddy does it, it must be the right thing to do.
“What can I do right now?” is a great question for identifying ways to start moving. The great thing about moving is that it changes our perspective. You know that climbing to the top of a hill gives you a better view, but sometimes, reading a book, listening to the radio or walking to the next room can be enough to help you relax and start generating ideas in your mind.
If your child has done something embarrassing, you could immediately remove yourself and your child to a private place and handle things quietly. Doing this is likely to lower your stress from the presence of others and to help you see things more clearly. It will also lower the volume and pitch of “the talk” with your child, and that is always a good thing.
So no matter what happens to you in life, especially with your children, put yourself in a “how to” mindset, find the underlying issues, check your contribution and find something you can do right away. Not only will you be happier and more successful, but your kids will learn it from you in no time and your life as a parent will be forever change for the better.
Happy parenting (keep reading the quotes below),
Gal
Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time
– Theodore Roosevelt
Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing
– Theodore Roosevelt
Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat
– Theodore Roosevelt
It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things
– Theodore Roosevelt
Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground
– Theodore Roosevelt
Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young
– Theodore Roosevelt
The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything
– Theodore Roosevelt
With self-discipline, most anything is possible
– Theodore Roosevelt
When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it
– Theodore Roosevelt
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are
– Theodore Roosevelt
* Quotes courtesy of Brainy Quote
