My mother-in-law once said to me that most people do not have a parenting philosophy. First they act and than they find reasons to support their actions. I was a young mother when she told me this and an educator and the philosophy of education was something I did every day and every hour and it was hard for me to understand what she meant.
In my parent coaching program, I can see every session what she meant. When I ask parents why they do things, most of them do not have answers. They either do not think about it or thought about it and picked the easy way – easy but painful in the long run.
There is a big correlation between having a parenting philosophy and having a happy family life and successful kids.
Here is a list of questions you may want to ask yourself as a parent if you want to have control over your parenting and your family life. Each question can be broken down into many smaller questions, but in general, the faster and more focused you are in your answers, the better your family life will be.
How many kids do you want to have?- What are the advantages of having this many kids?
- What are the disadvantages of having this many kids?
- How will you support your kids financially?
- How will you increase your income with the expansion of the family?
- How will you support your kids financially when you cannot work (because you are pregnant, sick or injured)?
- Where do you want your kids to grow? (City, outback, small town…)? Why?
- What kind of religious or spiritual philosophy would you like to introduce to your kids?
- What kind of kids would you like them to be?
- How far apart do you want your kids’ ages to be?
- What are the advantages of having such a gap for you?
- What are the disadvantages of having such a gap for you?
- How close would you like your kids to be with their extended family?
- How often would you like them to see/meet their extended family?
- What kind of a relationship would you like them to have with their grandparents?
- What abilities would you like your kids to have?
- What hobbies would you expose them to?
- What is your reward/punishment philosophy?
- What would you like to be proud of them for?
- What would you like them to be proud of your for?
- What do you want to give them that you have never had?
- How do you want to share your role as a parent with your partner?
- How will you balance your work and family life?
- What food will you give them for school?
- Will you buy sweets and how often will you give them sweets to eat?
- What do you think about junk food?
- Will you eat together as a family every night?
- What will be your mealtime every evening?
- What do you think about healthy food? Organic food? Vegetarian food?
- What do you think about having dessert?
- What is your soft drink philosophy (cordial, fizzy drinks, coffee, water)?
- What is your alcohol philosophy?
- What is your drug philosophy?
- What is your smoking philosophy?
- What is your medication philosophy?
- What is your (natural) supplement philosophy?
- When you have a baby, will you breastfeed or bottle-feed?
- Will you feed on demand or by time?
- When will you introduce fruit to your baby?
- When will you introduce solid to your baby?
- When will the baby sit at the table and have their own plate and cutlery?
- How special is each of your kids?
- What is your crying philosophy?
- Who will stay with the baby, mom or dad?
- How long will you stay home with your baby?
- When will you take the baby out of the house for the first time?
- When will they go to external/professional care?
- Will they go part time or full time?
- How long is it reasonable for you to drive/walk to take them to school?
- What time will they go to sleep?
- What time will they get up in the morning?
- At what ages will you change their sleeping times?
- What is your preferred bedtime on weekends and holidays?
- How often will you take your kids for a holiday away from home?
- How long will your holidays be each time?
- What will you do on your holidays with the kids?
- How will you encourage your teens to join you on your holidays?
- When (how often) will you allow them to have a party at home?
- What are you going to do on their school holidays when you cannot take time off?
- What kind of friends would you like them to have?
- When (how often) will they see their friends?
- When will be the first sleep over?
- How often will you celebrate their birthday with their friends?
- How will you celebrate their birthday?
- How will you celebrate birthdays for teens?
- What is your gift philosophy?
- What is your pocket money philosophy?
- What is your spending philosophy?
- What do you think about sharing clothes?
- What kind of things will you allow them to see on TV?
- How many hours a week do you want them to watch TV?
- Will you put a TV in their room?
- What kind of movies will you allow them to see in the cinema?
- How often will they go to the cinema?
- How many hours a week will you allow them to play/work/chat on the computer?
- What kind of things will you let them do on the computer?
- Will they have their own computer (in their own room)?
- When will they have their own email address?
- What kind of a school will you choose for your kids?
- How well do you expect them to do at school?
- What will you do if they do not succeed at school the way you expect them?
- What will you do if they do not want to go to school (after Grade 10)?
- How much would you like your kids to take part in household chores?
- What do you think about paying kids for chores?
- What do you think about siblings paying each other for chores?
- How will you make them happy?
- How will you show them your love?
- When will you get them their first iPod/MP3 player (if ever)?
- When will you get them their first mobile phone (if ever)?
- What is your brand name buying philosophy?
- When would you like them to have their own room?
- When will you start talking to them about sex?
- When will you stop hugging/kissing them (if ever)?
- When will you let them drive on their own?
- When will you buy them a car (if ever)?
- What do you think about teens going to work?
- What will you do if your kid gets into trouble?
- If you could give your kids only one thing, what would that be?
- When you die, how do you want your kids to remember you?
- What do you think about being a parent?
How many kids do you want to have?The 100 questions above are just a glimpse of what parents need to answer during their parenting career. During the parent-coaching program, we cover some of the questions above and, let me tell you, it is not easy at all. Most parents say that the act of asking the questions and answering them is the hardest but the most important.
Even if you do not know the answer yet, asking the questions will get you half way to it.
To read about how you can shift your life with the right question, even for a limited time, read my book In the Outback with Jasmine Banks. This is a wake-up call story about the power of questions. Enjoy!
Come back here and tell me how you felt answering your questions. Post some other questions that may come up for you for the benefit of other parents too. Use the comment box below.
Happy day,
Ronit
