“He is very manipulative!”
You’ve probably heard this sentence before. Maybe you even used it yourself. It’s usually said with the same tone you’d use for moldy cheese or stepping on LEGO barefoot.
But here’s the thing: manipulation isn’t a bad word.
And before you scream, “Noooo, Ronit, don’t go there!”, stay with me.
In parenting, relationships, workplaces, families — even in our own health — manipulation is everywhere. And it’s not what you think.
We All Manipulate, but Pretend We Don’t
Most parents don’t realize this, but manipulation in parenting is one of the most important tools we have. Not in a nasty, controlling way, but in the everyday “I want you to brush your teeth and be a decent human” kind of way.
If we strip the emotion out of it, manipulation simply means Influencing someone or something, often without them realizing, to create a better outcome.
We do it ALL THE TIME.
Babies do it.
Teenagers definitely do it.
Adults? Oh, masters.
And I promise you — by the end of this post you’ll know the truth about influence, parenting, and survival. You’ll not only feel better about the word, but you’ll also actually understand why manipulation is essential for survival, happiness, confidence, and yes… even health.
Manipulation?
We do it anyway — so let’s do it well.
Ronit Baras
We’re All Born Manipulators
Let’s start with the basics.
A baby’s first and only tool for survival is manipulation.
Want food? Cry.
Cold? Cry.
Need security? Cry.
Babies don’t write polite emails:
“Dear Mom, I hereby request milk. Regards, Newborn.”
They manipulate — beautifully, instinctively, and successfully.
Crying is influence. It’s communication. It’s survival.
Without manipulation, babies would die.
So, from the very start of life, manipulation is a built-in human mechanism.
Every word we say, every action we take, even the tone of our voice — it’s all meant to influence someone or something to get us to a better position in life.
Even when we don’t realize it, our subconscious — that loyal internal GPS — runs around like a backstage crew, making sure we’re doing what keeps us alive and thriving.
Manipulation is not evil. It’s biology.
When Manipulation Saves Your Life
Let me share a powerful story from a client.
My client carried enormous guilt because she had taken many drugs during pregnancy, which led to her baby being born deformed and not surviving. Her doctor blamed he for the death of her daughter, which traumatized her even more.
Seven years later, with two beautiful children and what looked like a functioning life, she still used the sentence: “I killed my own daughter.” She was tormented.
During one session, we explored the mind’s self-preservation instinct — how the subconscious always tries to protect us, even when the action looks terrible from the outside.
We discovered that during her first pregnancy, she had severe suicidal thoughts. She tried to kill herself several times. What did her subconscious do?
It pushed her to take drugs as a survival strategy.
Not ideal? Yes.
Better than dying? Absolutely.
It literally saved her life.
Once she understood this, the guilt softened. She went from hating her body for “killing her daughter” to appreciating that it actually saved her — and allowed her to later bring two healthy children into the world.
This is manipulation too — the mind manipulating us toward survival, even when the route is messy.
Sometimes what looks like a horrible act is simply the subconscious saying: ‘I’m trying to keep you alive, sweetheart.’
Ronit Baras
Manipulating Well: The Real Skill
If manipulation is simply influencing outcomes, then the real question is:
Are you doing it well?
If you encourage your workers so they do their job properly — that’s manipulation.
If you give your partner kindness and affection so they love you in return — manipulation.
If you show interest in your friends’ lives so they enjoy spending time with you — manipulation.
If you encourage your kids lovingly to be confident and happy — manipulation.
If I write this blog clearly so you keep reading?
Manipulation.
And thank you for falling for it.
How do you know if you are manipulating well?
Good manipulation = it works.
Bad manipulation = it doesn’t.
Very simple.
Happy, successful, emotionally strong, socially confident people?
They’re great manipulators.
Grumpy, frustrated, withdrawn, unhealthy people?
Often… not great manipulators.
This ability influences EVERYTHING — even our health.
Health Is Manipulation Too
Your body is basically a big, loyal but slightly stubborn pet. You have to train it.
Want more muscle? Manipulate it with weights.
Want more flexibility? Manipulate it with stretching.
Want focus and clarity? Manipulate it with sleep and nutrition.
Want more calm? Manipulate your mind with Meditation, being in nature, praying…
Everything we do with our body is a form of influence.
If you don’t like your results? Change the manipulation strategy.
I know “manipulating your liver” sounds weird — but truly, you do. By the way you eat, sleep, move, manage your stress, you manipulate your liver.
Parents: The Biggest Manipulators on Earth
Let’s be honest.
Parents are the world champions of manipulation. More than CEOs. More than politicians. More than teenagers (and that’s saying something).
Every smile, hug, warning, rule, bedtime routine, consequence, praise, or bribe — it’s all meant to influence, it is all manipulation.
Some parents feel guilty when they realize it and say: “I manipulate my kids for their own good.”
Nope.
You manipulate kids for your own good. You do it because you benefit from their behavior.
If your kid is happier, life is easier.
If your child is confident, you feel proud.
If they behave well in public? You feel calm.
If they do well at school? You sleep better at night.
Bringing children into the world is one of the most selfish acts of humankind — and that’s not a bad thing. It’s natural.
Even the suffering of pregnancy and sleepless nights is calculated subconsciously as: “Small pain now, huge gain later.” Without it, we would never have kids.
Your mind doesn’t let you do anything that isn’t in some way beneficial.
We just don’t have a mechanism in the mind that says, let’s do something that is not beneficial for us or worse, let’s deliberately do something that will cause us damage. Even self-harm is a desperate attempt to gain a sense of control — a form of emotional manipulation toward self-preservation.
The oxygen mask model
People often say, “I think of my children first.”
No, you don’t.
You want to.
But survival comes first.
If you’re holding a baby in the backseat and the car suddenly brakes — your hands will instinctively open to balance yourself before your conscious mind thinks, “Oh! Baby!”
I saw this with my aunt 50 years ago in a swimming pool. She slipped, and her reflex was to free her hands to prevent the fall — dropping the baby. Thankfully, five women around her caught the baby instantly.
You hear it every time you sit on the plane. put oxygen masks on yourself, before helping a child. If you lose your consciousness due to lack of oxygen, you are useless to your child and you’re both doomed. Your mind knows that.
Survival is instinctive. Faster than thought.
We’re not bad parents. We’re human parents.
Ronit Baras
Your Real Job as a Parent
When I discuss the “Parenting job description” with my clients, we always get to this manipulation part. I tell them “Your real job is to manipulate your child into believing they are:
- Beautiful
- Smart
- Friendly
- Courageous
- Creative
- Capable
- Healthy
- Kind
- Resilient
And every other quality you want for them.
How do you know you’ve done it well?
If they think like that about themselves, congratulations — you nailed parenting.
Raising Good Manipulators
You WANT your children to manipulate well, to “Better their position.” It’s how they survive in the world.
Children learn through trial and error:
Cry → Mom comes = successful manipulation
Cry → Dad comes but no milk = wrong target, try again
Home, where mom and dad are, is the lab where kids practice their manipulation skills. It’s a boot camp that lasts about 18 years and it is the safest place to do it. Because
- Parents are teachers on whom we can train.
- We can trust them to pick us up during
- And Parents stick around even after failed attempts.
Good socialization is actually good manipulation training.
When kids don’t learn influencing skills, their life is tough.
Understanding manipulation through Autistic Children
Here are examples of what happens to children who’s “training” is challenged.
Think of children with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). They have social challenges — they struggle because their communication tools don’t match social expectations.
People on the Autism spectrum are very frustrated because they can’t manipulate the world to suit their needs. It is a social disability. They simply don’t have good manipulating techniques. They are usually lonely because far away from mom and dad, no one likes hanging around them.
ASD is malfunction since birth. Autistic babies even cry differently to other babies.
In research done with moms and babies, moms were given a recording of their own babies crying and had to guess what the reason for the cry was. General moms’ accuracy in guessing was high while the Autistic babies’ mother’s accuracy was very low.
At first, researchers thought, well, there was something wrong with the mothers of Autistic kids but then, the researchers decided to check if the problem is the mothers, or the babies.
They gave the recordings of all babies to all mothers. To their surprise, most mothers, including the mothers of the autistic children could guess the reason for the crying while most mothers, including the general mothers, could not guess the autistic kids’ reason for crying.
Autistic kids, first, primal manipulating tool, is malfunctioning. Their own mothers can’t “communicate” with them or attend to their needs. This simple, basic malfunction created lifelong difficulties.
Manipulating kids is good. It means their systems are functioning very well. Instead of thinking “oh, he is manipulating me,” Celebrate! Think “great, he is practicing on me and that means he will survive the world out there, better.”
Manipulating Obedience: The One Type You Want to Avoid
There are some things you don’t wish to manipulate your children to do. You don’t want to manipulate children to be “Obedient.”
Punishments, threats, bribing, blaming, criticizing, complaining, nagging (Choice theory) are all manipulation tools to make children do what we want and they all backfire.
Obedience is the opposite of self-preservation.
When children are young vulnerable, depend on you, crave your attention, and trust you, they will do what you want but that is misleading. They are not “good kids” they are “afraid.” They do what you ask out of fear of pain. That’s not “bettering their position.”
Yes, it will make your life easy if they do whatever you say but it also means that they will not develop critical thinking, trust themselves or stand up for themselves.
Obedient children:
- Don’t think critically
- Don’t take risks
- Don’t try new things
- Don’t stand up for themselves
- Don’t stand up for others
- Don’t become leaders
- Live in fear
- Rely on external approval
- Lose confidence in their own inner compass
Fear becomes the only thing that motivates them and when they grow up, they are at the mercy of anyone who puts pressure on them.
Think of Motivation as a battery. Happiness and joy, a sense of achievement, charges the battery and fear, depletes it.
I remind you that fear sends us to the primitive brain and over there, there are only three manipulation tools for survival: Fight, flight, and Freeze.
Fear empties the emotional battery.
Confidence charges it.
When you manipulate for “Obedient” you are depleting their battery and sending them to the world with an empty battery.
in the world out there, obedient children will not stand up for others.
Obedience is a trait of the follower!
You don’t want your children to be followers. You want emotionally intelligent, confident, flexible thinkers that others will follow.
My suggestion: let go of the hard feelings about the word “manipulation.” It is not a swear word, it is a good tool if we are good at using it.
Your job is not to raise a follower. Your job is to raise someone who can lead their own life.
Ronit Baras
So… Is Manipulation Bad? Not at All.
Manipulation is a tool.
Like money we use to better our financial situation.
Like fire we use to better the temperature around us
Like cars we use to get from one place better and faster to another.
Like makeup we use, to look better (Yes, makeup manipulates the face)
If you have negative feelings about manipulation, you’ll never use it well — just like people who feel money is “bad” always sabotage themselves financially.
Manipulation is good.
It’s natural.
It’s necessary.
And we ALL do it.
The only question is:
Are we doing it with love, intention, and wisdom?
Happy Manipulation!
When you understand manipulation the way it truly works, you stop feeling guilty and start feeling empowered. You raise better children. You communicate better. You love better. You live better.
Because guess what?
We do it anyway — so let’s do it well.
If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, parenting tools, and how to build happy, confident children… Check our coaching programs at www.behappyinlife.com
You’ll be amazed by what a bit of healthy manipulation can achieve.
Happy manipulation!
Ronit
