When I sit in my car, driving the kids to school or just on my way to the supermarket, I like watching people in their cars. Some funny people talk to themselves. Yes, I know. It may look like they are on the phone, but I am talking about the crazy people that actually talk to themselves.
I call these people “MacGyvers”. Do you remember the TV series with this guy who was narrating the whole time? We heard his thoughts all the time wherever he went.
This happens to me a lot. I see people on the street moving their lips while they walk. As funny as it looks, these people have an advantage.
If you are concerned when your kids talk to themselves, rest assured they have an advantage over “normal” kids who do not talk to themselves.
Research says self talk is good
A research done on young kids found that preschoolers perform better when they talk to themselves. The finding was that “78 percent of the children performed either the same or better on the performance task when speaking to themselves than when they were silent”.
The research found that telling kids to be quiet while they were learning was actually disturbing the kids’ natural “private speech” or “self talk” and limited their performance.
My son Tsoof is such a “MacGyver”. He talks all the time (and I do mean “all the time”). If he has an audience, cool, and if he does not have an audience, it makes no difference. His brain is so full of thoughts (and jokes and songs and musical notes and comedy skits and movies) that if he did not talk about them, he would probably blow up.
He has taken “self talk” to the extreme. He is a wonderfully talented, funny, joyful kid. But our friends say they do not think they could have survived living with him in the same house for more than two seconds.
Every time I hear this, I think about the special education kids I work with. Do they have a problem or is it just the reaction of the people around them, who cannot survive living with them in the same house (or class or playground)?
Kids handle the world in different ways
If you take my son and put him in a different house, this will most likely be a formula to manufacture a “troubled child”. It would take less than a week for him to start thinking that something is wrong with him, when in fact, nothing is wrong with him, he is just an auditory kid, with a superior sound recording machine.
He could not have been so talented without this ability (and without us being tolerant to his constant sound production).
Kids find natural ways to deal with to things in their life.
If they are kinesthetic, they move a lot to help themselves think. If they are digital, they ask a lot of questions.
If they are visual, they decorate their notebooks to make them look nicer.
If they are auditory, they talk to themselves to slow down and serialize their input.
Auditory and digital kids are at a relative disadvantage, simply because there are not many of them in our society. Research about learning styles has found that there are only 20% people that are auditory, while kinesthetic are 40% and visual 40%. That research did not recognize the digital style, but estimates are that only 5% of the population are auditory-digital.
Being different is not a problem
Being only 20% of our society makes auditory kids a minority. If you have an auditory child and you feel they are different, you are right, but being different does not mean they have a problem.
The problem starts not with the fact your kid is different but when they start thinking there is a problem with being different. As I have said before, when working with a troubled child, most of my work is dedicated to repairing the kid’s damaged self-image.
Talking to yourself is a very helpful technique for auditory people in general. For everybody else, it is a useful way to deal with stress. It is almost the same as sitting on the therapist’s sofa. It can help restore order to the mess in your head.
So next time you are with yourself in the shower, or after a hectic day at work, use the space and time to put some order into your life by talking to yourself. When your kids ask about the noises coming from the shower, be proud to say you have been talking to yourself.
Happy parenting,
Ronit
My son Carter is 3 and has been doing something strange for about 1 1/2 years now.He will start moving and talking silently almost as if hes interacting with someone. He makes faces throws his hands, wiggles. I’m at a loss for what it is he is completely unaware of his surroundings when he does this. I have been able to get it on video a few times. His father and I are curious to what hes doing and should we be concerned?
Kaytlin,
I would not be concerned about him talking to his imaginary friend and to make it easier for him, ask him questions about his friend , his name and invite him for dinner sometimes or ask him if his friend is warm enough when you tuck him in bed.
This could be an auditory outlet but not necessary an auditory but emotional way of managing life.
Children manage their emotions through symbolic game and it is healthy for them to sort out their emotions through imaginary friends. It is no different than children playing with dolls or figures and pretending.
The main thing is never, never to say to them that it is not real. For them it is as real as it can be and an imaginary friend is a fantastic substitute to a psychologist.
Give your child the space and freedom to introduce his imaginary friend to the family.
It is Ok to tell him that other people ( that are not family) do not “see” the friend so it is better to ask him to come for a visit only in a family setting. This will sort out the challenge in public. Once he knows that you are supportive, he will understand if you say to him, tell Simon ( let’s say Simon is his name) that you are busy now and come back tonight before bed time.
Watching children in their symbolic game, can reveal a lot about the child’s inner world. Sometimes we can see ourselves in their behaviour. If they are kind to their imaginary friends, it means that this is how they think we treat them.
If they yell and shout at their imaginary friends, we can see that this is what they think we do to them.
Some parents are concerned because they are afraid to see a mirror of their behaviour towards their children ( sometimes towards each other) in their young children’s symbolic game. some are in fact very proud to watch their kids playing because they are loving and and kind, which is also a mirror.
Be brave! watch him play and join in the game. You’ll do him a great service by accepting his imaginary friend ( which is a part of him) into the family.
Thanks for sharing
Ronit
Hi all,
our son is 7 , soon to be 8, and he has to devote every day at least 1 h, if not more , to do “self-talk”. We are very happy that he asks us to do this, he is always supported to do self-talk ‘sessions’. He goes to the room (or quiet place, where people will not interrupt him ), and there he has conversation with real or imaginary characters, ranging from real friends from school (recreating and and expending on passed conversations) or imaginary friends (talking about events he likes, tv shows, praising his actions during the day (skateboarding success etc).
His IQ was tested last year, and his scores are around 175. He loves math, science, he is interested in planets. But in saying this ,he is very social kid, that has a lovely circle of friends, but the audity is in the fact that he started talking when he was 5 years old, and we had so much ‘fun’ during the speech therapy , from early interventive one, to extended one(once he started school).
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/afbcec0ba29b129bbb1aeee7831bbfbe3253e223cb08cab2bef5ce6622579098.png
All in , all is good now, his speech is fine, literacy fine, reading skills at the appropriate level for his age…but all the stress that people tend to put on you , as you child might not fit the ‘average type’ can be daunting. All you can to is to join your set of informations, evaluate what experts in the field have to say and listen to your instinct = bring your own conclusions based on those 3 factors.
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bcc8e7d910d310a18bc3633ddfc64cb4add35ddb83afa79fe4eeceaa9303e9a4.png
Thank you, Thank you Air Solaja for your comment. So true! So insightful. You are an inspiring parent and I thank you for writing !
Thanks for the photos and quote.
This is the special Education Quote!
If you ask me, it should be the education quote.
Education based on needs is sensitive and effective.
If only parents got rid of the “one size fits all” mentality, we could see so much beauty around.
Thank you again!
Ronit
:)
My sons teacher is saying he needs help to the point the whole counselling staff completely blows it out of proportion and referred him to get an external psychological evaluation but the only place he has “behavioral problems” is at school. My son tells me ” I don’t want to go to school anymore” when I ask him “why?” He says “I’m tired of the councillors always asking me how are you, how is it at home, blah blah blah, I just want them to stop always asking me”
HI Melissa,
it is a problem when you understand that school is the problem.
I suggest you go to the school and ask them to stop doing this as it makes him not want to go to school.
If it gets out of proportion, you can consider changing schools.
Good luck!
Ronit
I had tears in my eyes reading this, my child’s teachers have been complaining about my child’s narration( self talking) at school . I took him to the therapist she says to shut him up when he does that. reading your article makes me think how badly people crush our children’s self esteem by their lack of knowledge. More power to you.
Hi Hareem,
I am so sorry to hear that this is what the teachers and therapist told you to do. Shame, shame!!!!!!!!
This is the way to create children with problems they never had in the first place.
To help your son, try reading all the material on the site about auditory people/children. Just search Auditory and many articles will come up.
If you want to slow down the talk, make sure he has an auditory outlet, music, singing, voice over, voice recording and it will slow down the talking in public. When you are with him, encourage him to verbalize what he is thinking/ doing and he’ll be better at school. He needs an outlet, if school won’t give him enough, you can do it at home. Make sure no one will tell him something is wrong with him.
It is about time we change our attitude towards each other and stop expecting children to all be the same! obedient and follow a formula of behavior to suit adults’ control issues.
Save your child from such therapists!
We’ll do it one kid at a time!
We’ll win!
Ha! I was one of these kids, still am as an adult. I have a genius IQ, so I guess problem solving is something I do well. My mom used to yell at me all the time about it, too bad she didn’t read this. Fortunately, I never cared if I was “weird”, so it never affected my self esteem or anything. Only difference is, I am actually a visual learner, I can’t remember things unless I’ve read them in print. Maybe it has more to do with the way we work things out in our heads, without interruption from others (as in a true conversation)than the way we learn.
Mustang Tail,
You could be Visual Auditory or Auditory visual. There are four main styles and we have a combination of them. I think it is great that you didn’t let this affect your self esteem.
I know in my work, many people that took this high ability to very high levels. You seem to be one of those people.
hi
my daughter talks too much and talks to herself …..i was worried that may be there is a problem or she is wasting her energy but thanks to you ….for changing the way i think and also the way i deal with my daughter
Hi Anjali,
I am happy you had a chance to read this post.
I see many auditory kids that their parents are worried about this and their negative reaction only make things worse.
We’ll all benefit from talking to ourselves. Thoughts process is so fast we can not control it very much. Talking to ourselves slows down the process and allow us to monitor the thoughts and change them, control them. When we have happy and good thoughts, we don’t want to monitor them, we prefer the brain to go wild. If the thoughts are challenging, we want to stop them, we want to slow things down. Talking to ourselves is a good way to do it.
For auditory people/kids, this is essential or they get into a loop of feeling bad about themselves.
Those kids can be extremely successful kids. They have an amazing talent. I hope you’ll find your daughter’s talent.
I am so happy to read your comment.
Happy day
Ronit
thanks to u too……i vl try to find the talent of my daughter n let u know
C. Mckinney,
I am glad you had the opportunity to read the information about auditory kids and save your daughter from your sister.
She has no problem. I have one of them at home and have worked with so many of them, they are just perfect and if you let them be, they will be awesome kids.
you can search the blog for all articles about auditory people and find ways to help your daughter excel with a bit more appreciation to her her style.
I am glad reading other parents helps.
Happy day
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
Thank You for sharing your insight. My daughter who is 11 talks to herself all the time. My sister makes fun of her for it and has tried to convince me that my daughter has a serious problem. I have worried about it for some time but I also know that my other sister used to do the same thing. It helps to see other comments from parents who are dealing with the same thing.
Thanks
Hi Mary,
I am happy you googled it. ( we have a joke at home, my 21 year old says “I will google it” for everything we talk about and she doesn’t know enough or wants to know more)
Your son is probably an auditory kid. It is not a disease, like other people ( who expects everyone to do things the same way) think. It is a wonderful ability that can be highly developed.
I wrote other articles about the communication styles and if you need more ammunition to be prepared for his teachers’ comments just search this site.
I am happy it helped.
If you need any more tips and ideas to help him excel with this style, ask, I will be happy to answer.
Happy parenting
Ronit
I googled a question “why kids talk to themselves” and came across your site. I’m so glad I did. Your site has eased my mind. I clearly identified with you. My son now 10, talks to himself whether anyone is listening or not. And everything you stated he does too. His fourth grade teacher said he had focusing issues, short of saying he had ADD. But his math and reading scores were way up there.
I was concerned about his talking, because my husband has a brother and cousin who are paranoid schizophrena. And I was afraid that my son was going down this path.
As my son enters fifth grade I will be better prepared to handle any teachers comments about my son’s thinking aloud. I’ll tell them to look up “auditory child” on the internet and hopefully this will help enlighten them. And I will prepare my son for what’s coming ahead for him.
Interestingly, my three other kids never did this, two of them hardly ever talk. But they are all great listeners. My 10 yr old is the last child at home.
Tina,
This is why you are so smart!
hugs
Ronit
https://www.ronitbaras.com
I talk to myself! – Good to know I’m not crazy!