Co-sleeping safety, the practice of parents sharing a bed with their children, has sparked ongoing debate for years. I remember the conversation when I gave birth to my own daughter, later on when I had an early childhood center, in my work with parents, and now… as a grandmother.
Don’t you look at a photo of a parent cuddling a sleeping child and feel those fuzzy, warm feelings? I know I do.
And yet… feelings are not always the full story.
Warm feelings can comfort us—but they can also distract us from asking the harder questions.
Ronit Baras
My Experience: The “Annoying” Parent Who Slept
The topic of sleep has never been a challenge for me. Not my own sleep, and not that of my three children.
Yes… I’m that mother.
I’m the mother that other parents sometimes look at and think, “Seriously?”
The very good friends, who can count on their hands the restful nights say, “ I hate you” and I totally understand why.
I can count on two hands the number of nights I didn’t sleep because of my children. (I have three) and when I woke up and attended the kids, I would put my head back on the pillow, take two to three breaths and be totally asleep.
Honestly, I’ve lost more sleep over drinking coffee or tea after 12 noon. My kids had their own beds. Their own rooms. I slept well. They slept well.
Let me tell you, parenting is so much easier when you and your children sleep well.
And here’s the thing I truly believe:
Sleeping parents are happy parents. Happy parents raise happy children.
It’s simple. Not always easy—but simple.
And maybe that’s why, when I look at co-sleeping safety, I don’t just see comfort. I also see the long-term cost.
The glum statistics about co-sleeping safety
I chose not to practice co-sleeping because when my eldest daughter was born and my mum came to stay with me for a week after I was released from hospital, she shared with me horrible stories about mothers suffocating their babies falling asleep.
That scared me to death.
Every time I breast fed her at night, I would put a pillow under my hand because sometimes I just fell asleep and I didn’t want her to fall off my hands.
Eden was in a small crib next to my bed for a week while my mum was with us. I noticed during that week that I woke up with very small noise Eden had made, so when my mum left, I moved her to the other room.
No, I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t hear her crying because when you give birth, your brain activates through the Reticular activating system a special attention to hear crying babies and when you are rested enough, you hear everything.
Back then, I simply trusted my mum and some of the courses on child development during my education degree but let’s go to current statistics and get them out of the equation before we move to the emotional side of co-sleeping.
Sleep-related deaths are one of the leading causes of death in babies under one year old. In the U.S., around 3,000 babies die each year from sudden unexpected infant death which includes SIDS and accidental suffocation.
Research shows that about 36% to over 50% of these deaths happen while the baby is co-sleeping (sharing a bed with an adult).
In some detailed studies, nearly 47% of SIDS cases occurred during bed-sharing, and in over 90% of those situations there were additional risk factors like soft bedding, unsafe sleep positions, parental tiredness, smoking, or alcohol use. (I don’t you about you but being tired after giving birth was my second name. Who expects mothers not to be tired?)
Studies have found that the risk can rise to about 1 in 203 when a baby sleeps with an adult on a sofa or when the parent is under the influence, compared to roughly 1 in 3,700 overall risks.
Overall, experts estimate that more than half of sleep-related infant deaths are linked to unsafe sleep environments, including co-sleeping combined with other risk factors.
I didn’t invent these statistics and if I were a mother I simply wouldn’t take a risk!
But let’s move to the emotional side of co-sleeping.
Co-Sleeping Safety: Two Sides of the Story
Like every parenting topic, co-sleeping safety has two sides. (Again, I cut the physical risks from this argument. Read above and make your own decision regarding co-sleeping)
Supporters say:
- It creates closeness and bonding.
- It helps children feel safe.
- It supports emotional security.
Opponents say:
- It can create dependency.
- It delays independence.
- It blurs boundaries.
And as always…
There is no good without bad, and no bad without good.
But when I look at children’s development over time, I see something very clear:
The intention is beautiful. The outcome… not always.
When Children Become the Center of the Universe
All babies are born believing they are the center of the universe. And honestly? That’s exactly how it should be—at the beginning.
But development is a journey. A shift.
Children need to transition from:
- helpless → capable
- dependent → independent
- center → connected!
When co-sleeping continues at the expense of parents’ wellbeing, something subtle happens. The child doesn’t move forward in that journey. They stay… in the center.
I can tell you as an educator, some children are still at the center at the age of 7, 10 and I work with those children who grew up to be adults who still think they are the center of the universes and lots of conflicts and frustration, mental health issues reside exactly there.
Based on theories of “needs” when you are too much unique, special, in the center, you can’t connect.
So, the bonding with mother during co-sleeping can be the exact reason for the child’s inability to… connect!
Children don’t need to stay in the center of your world—they need to learn how to stand on their own.
Ronit Baras
The Hidden Message Behind Co-Sleeping Safety
In my parenting program, I get to deal with parents who believe in co-sleeping or have their children sleeping with them even when they are 14 years old. (no kidding)
When I ask them about it, they say things like:
- “He’ll leave when he’s ready.”
- “She’ll grow out of it.”
It sounds relaxed, trusting and loving but here’s the message the child hears:
“You are in charge of something you’re not ready to manage.” And that changes everything.
Because children don’t just need love.
They need:
- structure
- boundaries
- leadership
Without it, they don’t feel free. They feel… responsible and that’s heavy, really heavy.
Childbirth and burden on relationships
Yes, there are benefits to co-sleeping but as I said it comes with a cost and we all need to weigh the cost on the child’s development, parents’ health and wellbeing and parents’ relationship.
Ok, so your child might feel a bit safer, but do you think this feeling is going to stay if parents suffer due to lack of intimacy?
Because Co-sleeping doesn’t only affect sleep, it often shifts the entire couple dynamic, especially intimacy and emotional connection.
Research shows that after the birth of a baby, relationship satisfaction naturally drops, with studies like Doss et al. (2009) finding a significant decline in couple satisfaction for nearly two-thirds of parents within the first three years.
When co-sleeping continues long-term, this decline can deepen. Parents report less physical intimacy, fewer moments of connection, and more emotional distance, largely due to exhaustion, lack of privacy, and the constant presence of the child in the couple’s space.
For many fathers in particular, this shift can feel even sharper.
Studies such as Genesoni & Tallandini (2009) found that fathers often experience feelings of exclusion, jealousy, or emotional neglect after the baby is born, as the mother’s attention naturally focuses on the child.
When the baby also sleeps in the parents’ bed, this dynamic can intensify—fathers may feel like there is no longer space for them physically or emotionally, which can lead to withdrawal, frustration, or a quiet sense of disconnection from both partner and child.
Over time, this can create a pattern where the child becomes the emotional center of the family, and the couple relationship slowly moves to the side. It doesn’t happen in one night—but like sleep deprivation itself, it builds quietly, night after night.
This risk needs to be considered every time we prefer co-sleeping.
What Research Tells Us about emotions (Without the Drama)
Let’s bring in some grounded perspective and hear what research has to say about co-sleeping safety and emotional development.
- Mindell et al. (2010) studied sleep patterns in over 10,000 children and found that consistent independent sleep routines were strongly linked to better sleep quality—for both children and parents.
- Sadeh & Anders (1993) found that children who develop self-soothing skills early show better emotional regulation later.
- Harvard Medical School (2014) reported that chronic sleep disruption in parents (caused by co-sleeping) increases stress, anxiety, and relationship strain.
No drama. No judgment.
Just patterns.
And the pattern is clear:
Sleep independence supports emotional independence.
Image by gpointstudio on Freepik
The “Catch 22” of Co-Sleeping – In search for safety
Here’s where it gets tricky.
Children sleep with parents because they don’t feel safe.
But…
They don’t learn to feel safe because they sleep with parents.
That loop keeps going.
We solve the discomfort… and accidentally keep the problem alive.
Ronit Baras
It’s not wrong. It’s human.
But it’s a cycle.
And cycles don’t break themselves.
The Sibling Factor: When It Gets Complicated
Co-sleeping is one issue when you have one child but gets even more complicated when the next baby comes.
Now what?
Suddenly:
- The “center” is threatened.
- The sleep arrangement shifts.
- Jealousy Appears
- Everyone sleeps less.
And what started as connection… becomes tension.
How many kids and adult do you know that carry resentment for a sibling who came to the world to “steal” their parents, 10 to 60 years after the birth of the sibling?
The long-term cost is enormous. Without boundaries, co-sleeping safety becomes harder to maintain – not easy.
The Bigger Issue: Emotional Development
There are several problematic issues with co-sleeping and the damage to the child’s emotional development is the one many parents don’t see coming.
Children who don’t develop independence in sleep often struggle with:
- self-soothing
- confidence
- emotional regulation
- separation comfort
Because here’s the truth:
Independence is not something that “happens” one day.
It’s practiced.
Over and over.
In small, daily moments.
Think of it as a muscle, you don’t practice it, it is weak!
The Excuses We Tell Ourselves
On the big debate regarding co-sleeping, there is a lot of discussion about children and not enough about what is happening to the parents. (mostly mothers).
Mothers prefer co-sleeping because it fills up a need they have and no matter how many problems they have around it with their relationship, their mental health or the child’s ability to manage his/her emotions, they get into the excuse mode, justifying their decision to prefer co-sleeping over independence.
I hear this all the time:
- “I feel safe when he is with me.”
- “He won’t need me forever.”
- “She won’t be in my bed at 15.”
- “He’ll grow out of it.”
These might be comforting phrases to use to avoid dealing with the current problem, but it means the child will not develop the skills to rely on himself or herself and continue feeling helpless and hopeless.
Dependency is a big issue in children’s development, and most parents don’t deal with the big picture.
The question is not how long children continue using a dummy, asking parents to clean their bum, dress them, feed them, sleep with mummy… but how early, they trust themselves in fulfilling their own needs?
Parents who adopt the co-sleeping philosophy also adopt the belief that closeness and security can only be achieved by sleeping with mum for as long as possible, or when the children decide it’s enough, are also sending the message “ you are close to me and secure, only if you sleep with me”.
Children must learn to develop a sense of safety and closeness regardless. So, the child is not the problem but those who instilled those beliefs, are.
It’s Not About Sleep. It’s About Safety
At the core of co-sleeping safety is one big idea: Safety.
This ability to reassure children they are living in a safe world and can connect in many different ways is parents’ job!
In fact, it is one of the most important tasks since all forms of emotional challenges, heartache and pain are sourced formed in the amygdala, telling us we are not safe!
We think we are preparing kids to life when we try to protect them from this “unsafe” world, but we are sending the opposite message that promotes dependency.
“The world is not safe if you are not with me” or when co-sleep you also send the message “the night is also not safe if you are not sleeping with me.”
If you take this belief into the future, you can understand how parents sending such messages (with all the good intentions) feel so threatened when their child is developing independent thoughts and feel so bad when the child eventually leaves home. (they all eventually leave home!)
Letting go needs to be done on both sides and whether you like it or not, the parents must model before the child does.
So, yes… kids will not be in your bed forever, but when they do leave your bed, they won’t feel safe and they will end up with much less opportunities practice self-trust.
The goal is not when they stop needing you—it’s when they start believing in themselves.
Ronit Baras
False replacement of safety
I’m sure you all know how important sleep is for our health and wellbeing. We need to sleep because during sleep our body goes through repair and recharge processes that without them, we can’t function.
I told you, I had so little sleepless nights and I couldn’t function properly the day after. I simply don’t envy mothers who have done it for years.
When I meet parents who can’t continue like this anymore and they understand why they need to promote independent sleeping, they simply can’t do it because their child resists.
First, it is important to know that resistance is natural. For a child who thinks he/she is the center of the universe, being apart from mum is hard. When they are born, they are one with mum and all their life is a process of separation, and it needs to be done gradually and with plenty of love and patience.
Many children who resist sleeping alone simply don’t feel safe in the world. Their nervous system is dysregulated. And co-sleeping becomes the solution.
But here’s the quiet truth:
It doesn’t build safety. It replaces it and it is false safety.
Real safety is internal.
And it’s something we teach and escort children as they develop it, but it is something we provide forever.
Safety is not something we are born with, it is something we learn and practice and when children are constantly with mother including during sleep, he/she gets minimal opportunities to practice feeling safe.
Practical Steps: Moving Toward Independence (Gently)
This is my tip for you.
Co-sleeping is fun, but you can get oxytocin boost during the day and when your baby is asleep, go to sleep!
If you want to be an amazing mother, get a good sleep!
Why?
Restful and relaxed mother, raise restful and relaxed children.
Get your babies out of your bed. If for the first few weeks of the baby’s life you find it hard to separate from your baby, notice is it your challenge not the babies’ challenge and use a separate bed next to yours.
Move the baby (if applicable) as soon as possible to a different room.
If your child is no longer a baby, still, focus on moving your child as soon as possible.
Remember, this isn’t about doing everything overnight.
It’s about direction and about realizing that children sleeping independently is for their own sake and it is not an act of “neglect” or “rejection.”
Once you understand that, you are on your way to giving your child wings through independence.
Birthdays, grandparents visit, moving house, going to day care, going to high school (Yes! I even had to suggest that) and special events are good times to make the move “towards being a big boy.” “Having your own room.”
Make sure to keep it far from the birth of the sibling so the child will never consider it a “rejection”.
Be consistent, no matter how many times the child comes to your bed, take a deep breath and take her back to her own bed.
Here are a few gentle steps once you move the baby to another room.
Start with routine
- Same bedtime every night
- Same calming sequence, relaxed, no preaching or scolding.
Create a safe environment
- Use a night light the child can turn on and off and install one on the way to the toilet.
- Comfort object to hold. (My youngest daughter had a special sarong from the time we lived in Thailand she used beyond high school in her bed. We had plenty of them so every time we changed her bed sheets, we changed them as well)
- Familiar surroundings (get the child to control the surrounding, if possible)
Stay consistent
Not perfect! Just consistent. That’s a rule in parenting in general. Consistency sends a message of confidence and… safety.
Address fears directly
If the baby is an age to communicate with, Ask:
- “What feels scary?”
- “What would help you feel safe?”
Get books about Monsters in the closet, become friends with the “monsters” (never make fun of a child who is afraid of monsters or anything else”). That strategy works like magic!
No matter what, reassure the baby that you are around and that they are safe and protected.
Hold the boundary and extend the independence gradually
- At first, sit very close to the child and hold his hand or touch him gently (without talking).
- When that is going well, move your chair one step away from the child’s bed.
- Slowly move the chair next to the door until the chair is outside the room but the child can still see you.
The child will protest, it is fine! If you do it gradually, eventually all children will learn to sleep on their own.
The Real Shift: From Control to Leadership
I hope I have given you enough points about co-sleeping safety to think about and consider.
Remember, when you let a child decide if they sleep independently, you’re giving them control.
But what they actually need is: leadership.
And leadership says: “I love you. You’re safe. And I know you can do this.”
This whole thing is Not About the Bed. It was never really about co-sleeping safety.
It’s about:
- independence
- trust
- growth
- and knowing when to let go
Yes, it’s hard. Yes, there may be tears. But there’s also something else waiting on the other side: confidence.
Confidence for them. And confidence for you.
Letting go is not losing connection—it’s building strength.
Ronit Baras
Co-sleeping is good to question
If this stirred something in you—maybe a question, maybe a doubt, maybe a quiet “hmm…”—don’t ignore it.
That’s usually where change begins.
And if you want support navigating parenting, boundaries, and raising confident children, you’re always welcome to explore more at www.behappyinlife.com.
Wishing you and your child a good night’s sleep,
Ronit
