Life is not easy. From the moment we are born, we cry for every discomfort. As we grow, we keep crying, but we do it in different ways. Complaints, judgment, criticism, expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger are all forms of expressing discomfort.
Because we do it all our life, we think that comfort is the goal in life. We search for easy choices, for comfort, and dedicate all our energy to finding that zone — the comfort zone. However, the comfort zone is an illusion.
Think of the definition of “comfort.” Comfort is a state of physical and emotional ease and freedom from pain or constraint. An ease or alleviation of a person’s feelings of grief or distress.
In simple words: it is a sense of freedom from emotional or physical pain, but the comfort zone is simply an illusion. We can’t grow, we can’t evolve, we can’t progress without pain.
A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.
John Assaraf
No one wants to feel pain. Not emotional or physical. We have this notion that pain means something is wrong, where in fact, it is not necessarily wrong.
Think of yourself lifting weights in the gym. Without the discomfort of “heavy,” you would never be able to gain muscle. Though I don’t think pain is your friend, I do think we can learn from pain about how to live our life to the fullest.
Free from the comfort zone early in life
About 20 years ago, I did an NLP exercise with my son, who was about 7 years old. This exercise was a guided meditation that focused on pain. He had to go into an event in his life that caused him pain and learn from it. It is all done very fast, without much time to think, and he went to his birth and said that cutting the umbilical cord was painful for him — and that he learned that pain was not necessarily bad because it gave him life.
I was blown away. He was only seven years old, and if you watch him now, at the age of 30, you’ll understand how this understanding changed the path of his life.
He realized at the age of seven the butterfly dilemma. If you help a butterfly come out of its cocoon, you sentence it to die. Butterflies need the pressure of the cocoon to be able to stretch their wings and fly.
Instead of learning to live with this discomfort or leveraging it and using it to our advantage, we fight it — not realizing that this fight itself is not comfortable.
Ronit Baras
Uncomfortable about… feeling uncomfortable
When our mind seeks comfort, it will find it!!!!!!!!!!!
But comfort is the mind’s prison.
We get used to comfort so much that we become addicted to it.
Working with so many people on their personal development, I have learned that all their problems are expressions of discomfort. They are not comfortable about feeling uncomfortable.
Instead of learning to live with this discomfort or leverage it and use it to their advantage, they fight it — not realizing that this fight, in itself, is not comfortable.
Let’s explore the idea of comfort and the comfort zone. We can do it better if we examine, at the same time, what discomfort is.
When we seek comfort, we always compare it to a situation that is not comfortable. We must adopt the belief that discomfort is the enemy that we have to stay away from at all times, and that comfort is good for us — or at least better for us.
In the book A Complaint Free World, the author Will Bowen explains that all complaints are a form of expression of discomfort and that expressing it is what imprisons us.
In Buddhism, the whole idea of attachment follows the same concept (or maybe Will Bowen followed Buddhism, at least from a timeline point of view). Attachment is the source of our suffering, and attachment is, in fact, the idea that the world needs to be different than it is. If you think of discomfort, then attachment — the cause of our suffering — is the belief that we should not feel discomfort.
I was very happy about the concept portrayed in the movie Wonder Woman 1984. It is OK to want, but we must take into consideration that while we gain when we get what we want, we always — but always — have to give up something.
Comfort is much the same. We gain some comfort and always must give up growth, evolution, strength, and power.
When we seek comfort, there will always be discomfort that comes with it.
How can we feel uncomfortable about feeling uncomfortable if uncomfortable is part of being comfortable?
I know it sounds complicated. Read it again.
Your comfort zone is a mind prison
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
Neale Donald Walsch
When we live in a comfort zone, we tend to do the same things we did in the past. That’s what comfort is about.
We think the same, stay in the same group of friends, have the same mindset, the same thoughts, the same beliefs.
In a comfort zone, “same” is the name of the game. Everything that challenges us is not comfortable, and we try to scare it away.
The problem is that learning, growing, evolving, and changing doesn’t happen in the “sameness” world. Though it gives us certainty, learning requires risk and experiencing uncertainty.
Justification mechanism
We have in the brain a mechanism that helps us survive our choices and decisions. It is called the justification mechanism. This mechanism exists in the subconscious mind, and its job is to protect us.
This is a very healthy mechanism and essential for our survival. It is part of our primitive function and will do anything to help us live with ourselves in peace. But it is also very dangerous.
Why dangerous?
No matter what we do, this mechanism is activated once we make a choice — even if we do horrible things. If you ask the biggest criminals in the world, they have complete justification for their actions. We all do.
The only difference between regular people and criminals is that their justification mechanism is on overdrive.
The justification mechanism is important for our comfort. It keeps telling us, “Whatever you do, it is fine. It is OK. It is justified. You are OK.”
This is good for us — but it is also the mechanism that stands in our way toward critical thinking.
If we think that every thought and action we do is justified, why would we ever strive to achieve anything else?
Justification overrides seek comfort zone at all costs
When people are criticized, punished, judged, mocked, belittled, blamed, and hurt, their justification mechanism works overtime.
They will do anything just for a bit of comfort. They are so deprived of comfort that no wonder they think comfort — right now, at all costs — is the goal in life.
Ronit Baras
You are probably asking yourself: how do we get the justification mode into overdrive?
Pressure.
Pressure is what activates this mechanism. External pressure.
When people follow internal motivation as opposed to external pressure, this is when their justification mechanism works overtime.
It goes override when they are criticized, punished, judged, mocked, belittled, blamed, and hurt. Their justification mechanism turns overactive as a defense mechanism, and they will do anything but anything just for a bit of comfort.
They are so deprived of comfort that no wonder they think comfort, now, at all costs, is the goal in life.
When justification mode is active, critical thinking has no place!
It is a very important concept to understand in every relationship you care about and avoid getting others into that defense mode.
People only activate the mechanism when they feel “attacked.”
They activate the justification mechanism when they are under threat. (Internal or external and it doesn’t have to be a real threat; it can be perceived as a threat)
This means that their inner world or their surroundings will decide if this mechanism is on overdrive or not.
The threat can be internal; guilt, shame, fear or external: Parents, family, friends, teachers, colleagues, partners, children.
If they are not under threat, they will slowly, much like a baby, step out of their comfort zone and realize that the world, outside of this comfort zone, is not dangerous but a wonderful playground.
People who seek the comfort zone are like babies who cling to mum. Even though there are many other kids in the playground, they will not dare to move away and experience the wonders around them.
Remember, Defence and critical thinking can reside in the same place.
The solution: Emotional stretch
Emotional stretch is a slow process of going out of the comfort zone, and it must go through fear, and it must be internal.
Think of rubber bands. Small rubber bands can hold only small levels of pressure, while big rubber bands can survive much more. They do it through flexibility.
Humans are the same. The more flexible we are, the more we can hold.
Without pressure, we will never grow. But it is important to understand that pressure from the outside will not do the job but the opposite.
Pressure from the inside involves the subconscious, and the mind will stop us before we hurt ourselves. Just like a muscle — when you stretch too much, the body will stop you.
Your body knows your rubber band size.
So, what is the difference between stress and stretch?
When someone else puts pressure on you, it is stress. It turns on the justification mechanism and sends you into survival mode — back into the comfort zone.
If the emotional stretch is internal, it is a stretch. It is slow, calculated, and planned, and we can trust our subconscious to let us know when it is too much.
The comfort zone is the great enemy of courage and confidence.
Brian Tracy
Small and internal stretching
Slow and internal stretching are the key words to overcome the illusion of the comfort zone and get out of mind prison.
Like baby steps — still looking at mum to make sure she is there — we slowly explore the world.
This is why peekaboo games are important for children. Through the game, they learn that not seeing mum doesn’t mean danger — it is only temporary.
At first, there is fear. Then comes laughter.
“Here you are.”
Life is safe again.
After a while, much like babies, we realize we are OK. Nothing bad happened. In fact, we enjoyed it.
Addiction to our comfort zone
Comfort zone is a good place to be but if we stay there too much, it becomes our prison.
It is the same as people who are afraid to leave the house when they reach a point they stay home for years. The more they stay in their homes, the scarier the world seems to be for them.
We are no different.
It is easy to consider someone who hasn’t left the house for years as problematic, but it is the same for people who stay in the comfort zone.
Think of comfort zone like your house, your heaven, your easy place and realize that though you can make it the most beautiful place on earth and keep yourself busy there forever (I could) new, growth, learning, social cannot live there with you, and you end up very lonely.
And no! social media is not the way to experience the world; it is a way to watch life but not take part in it.
This is why many young people are imprisoned by social media. It became the comfort zone, it becomes “mum” and any minute away from “mum” feels dangerous.
Comfort zone is a pain killer, and it is very addictive.
Ronit Baras
It is not only young people.
There were years when TV was “mum.” People spent 4–8 hours a day watching it. Missing a show caused panic and aggression.
Comfort as a pain killer is addictive.
When we are addicted, we are weak and lack confidence because we have no control over our pain, our discomfort.
Much like any drug, over time, it is not enough, and we need more and more “comfort” to keep pain away.
Being addicted to TV or social media or anything else means that we are in pain, and we use those things to mask the pain. It destroyed our trust in the world, our confidence. The more addicted we are the more it keeps us away from critical thinking and growth.
Confidence is a muscle; we either use it or lose it.
We build confidence when we step out of our comfort zone into the unknown, uncomfortable, into the fear zone.
This is when we need to fear the fear and do things anyway. This is when we need to move to internal motivation, internal stretch and gain confidence in our abilities.
Every time we do small things that are hard for us to do, we stretch a bit. Much like every time we lift more weight, we build a muscle.
Beyond the fear zone is the learning zone.
Beyond that — the growth zone.
All it takes is one step. Out.
Toward freedom.
Good luck!
Ronit
