Being gay is not easy. Having gay kids is not easy either. I think one big difficulty of being gay involves your relationship with your parents. Sometimes being gay even means losing your parents and becoming an orphan.
I have to say I do not really know what my reaction to having gay kids will be as none of my kids are gay (as far as I know now, anyway), so I can only guess, but I think that such a discovery requires parents to take responsibility for their feelings and not to push it to their kids. When I say “responsibility over feelings”, I mean managing your own emotions and never forgetting that you love our kids. I think the risk of having a gay child is that sometimes it makes people forget their love.
Having a gay child is as big a test of parenting as having a disabled child is and while some parents pass the test, others fail. I learned about this from two wonderful gay clients of mine, Farid and Anthony.
I met them through another client. They were gorgeous guys who needed space from their very demanding families to pursue a career and succeed in life. When I met them, they had been together for several years and lived together for more than 2 years.
Farid came from a religious Muslim family and his siblings were accepting and supportive. His mom and dad knew about his relationship with Anthony and invited them over for weekends, but had a verbal agreement not to talk about it.
Anthony came from a non-religious Christian family. His sisters were accepting and supportive, his dad used to come once a week and help out in the garden, but his mom had a nervous breakdown after hearing her only son was gay and refused to accept him. She did all she could to make Anthony’s life difficult. She refused to have Farid over and had terms and conditions for Anthony’s visits. Anthony went to his parents’ house by himself and every time, the conversation was about “How could you do this to me?” He tried to reason with his mother, but she threw tantrums and became sick after every visit. So he limited his visits to family gatherings that his sisters and nephews also attended.
I worked with Farid and Anthony over 5 years ago. Most of my work was regarding their job, relationships and being successful and happy. We had a wonderful program and they became amazingly successful and happy in their relationship, career and direction in life.
Recently, after 10 years of being together, they decided to get married. They came back to Australia to have the wedding with friends and family. It was a wonderful ceremony in a beautiful garden and friends. The siblings of both partners came and it was a happy day.
Just before they flew overseas again, I met Farid and Anthony and asked them about their parents’ reaction to the wedding. Farid’s parents did not attend, although Anthony and Farid had stayed with them all of the 3 weeks of their visit and Anthony said they had been lovely, as usual. Anthony had seen his mom once in that time and again, she started her “Why are you doing this to me?” scene. He had met his dad in the nearby shopping center from time to time. Anthony had invited his dad to the wedding, although he knew his mom would not let him come. A day before the wedding, Anthony had met his dad who had said, “I can’t come. Mom says our religion does not agree with marrying Muslims”.
May love and kindness be our religion,
Ronit
Jean-Paul Malfatti says
May 6, 2014 at 6:20 AM“Do not despair or think yourself a failed or hapless parent just because you happened to have a gay son or daughter. Avoid turning your back on him or her, just because of that alone, and you will feel loved and cherished like never before. ”
~Jean-Paul Malfatti
Source: http://tinyurl.com/SQ634230
Karen Lynn Svensson Andresen says
June 3, 2013 at 4:23 PMOur son is gay. We live in a conservative town and did not know our son was gay. After self harming and other negative behaviors, we found out his secret. You have to be there for your child and realize that this was not a choice. Suicide is very real in this population and this is your child. Tell them that you love them every day and you will always be there for them. Become an advocate for them, which is what I did when my son was kicked out of the Boy Scouts for being gay. We lost friends, our church, and it has been a difficult journey for our family, including two younger sisters. I have become a better person, kinder and more accepting of others because of my son and he is my hero.
ronitbaras says
June 4, 2013 at 5:09 PMDear Karen,
You are inspiration to other parents.
What a shame! Being kicked out for being gay.
How disrespectful and prejudice this is.
It is a shame that your church, families and friends were not accepting.
Good on you for being here for your son.
Those tests in life make us better people.
You are an inspiration.
I am sure your son sees you as his hero.
Jean-Paul Malfatti says
May 6, 2014 at 7:18 AMYou are such the very kind of parents all unlucky gay boys and girls would like to have.
유+웃=❤
웃+웃=❤
유+유=❤
Sterling Ericsson says
May 6, 2013 at 6:45 PM“Sometimes being gay even means losing your parents and becoming an orphan.”
Been there, done that, got the medal for it.
ronitbaras says
May 6, 2013 at 9:14 PMIt is such a shame. Some parents forget who you are when you do not fit into their expectations. It is a hard feeling.
There are many orphans in our society, They don’t have to be gays to be orphans. I have so many clients that are orphans because they chose a partner their parents didn’t like or when going to study something parents didn’t agree.
I always say that such parents have a problem with their emotional umbilical cord. The connection between them and their kids, the thread of love , the unconditional love.
You know what?
I don’t even blame them for that weakness. If they could, they probably would have treated you differently.
Well done!
I think going for what you believe and being true to who you are, regardless of the reason, it can be your sexuality your partner preference or your career, It is worth being an orphan.
If you are true to yourself, you lose them, if you are not true to yourself , you lose yourself.
Easy choice, isn’t it?
Sterling Ericsson says
May 7, 2013 at 8:33 AMIt’s hard when it’s happening, but it certainly feels like a weight is lifted off of you afterward. And it’s fine. If they don’t want to have anything to do with my life, that’s their decision. I am just going on with my life, going through college, making close friends.
And I am going to have the best damn life. It’s their loss that they don’t want to be involved in it.
ronitbaras says
May 7, 2013 at 9:13 AMGood on you.
It is their loss and yes, it is hard. I know so many people their parents behave that way and it is hard but in life, we may not control what is happening to us but we can control what we do about it.
It is wonderful you didn’t let it stop you from moving forward and enjoying life.
Diagonotter says
March 6, 2013 at 12:50 AMThis was a very nice piece, but not really about having gay children, it was about the adult child’s experience as opposed to being about a parent’s experience with having a child who is gay. More specifically one who is still a child. Which is why I clicked to read the piece. I am the proud mom of a 16 year old artist who at 12 was questioning and now is quite certain that her sexual orientation is homosexual. I thought I’d be commiserating with the writer’s experiences with what to do about sleepovers, how to make sure they are telling you everything when it comes to bullying, etc.
ronitbaras says
March 7, 2013 at 5:07 PMJenn,
Sorry it didn’t help you much.
I have many clients with gay children.
I think if you treat your daughter the same as if she didn’t think she has homosexual orientations, she would appreciate it.
I can’t share my own experience, I hope other readers can do that.
Ronit
Diagonotter says
March 23, 2013 at 6:04 AMI treat her the way I have always treated her. With love, and full acceptance. Not looking for advice Capt Obvious could give. As I wrote, this article is not about parents of gay kids, as billed, it’s about gay adults and their parents.
ronitbaras says
March 25, 2013 at 8:04 AMTrue
Jessica Evans says
February 5, 2013 at 3:41 PMThe hardest thing to see is a family torn apart by hatred. I hope to help break through this issue in my community and help bring unity and love to those who are outcast for how and who they love.
ronitbaras says
February 6, 2013 at 9:52 AMJessica,
I agree. It is hard to see a torn family. I think acceptance is something we need to learn as parents. Many parents consider having a gay child as a failure. I am working as a director of an organisation doing diversity education and there are so many families torn apart because the kids hang around, or God forbid, marry a person from another cultural community.
There are very open minded communities that are very kind and loving. When I lived in Thailand, Gay people were part of the community.I loved it.
ary0728 says
February 5, 2013 at 3:33 PMMy children are young (6 and 4) but I don’t think that I’d have a difficult time at all accepting that they are gay (if either of them does turn out to be gay). Now, if they were bullied, I would have a problem, not with them, but with the parents of the child that does the bullying. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around parents that disown their children because they are gay. I mean, these are the same people that you stayed up with all night, made sure they are healthy, taught them to behave and play well with others, helped them with their homework, and who you receive hugs and kisses from, and experience them telling you that you are “the best Mommy (or Daddy) in the world!” I just don’t understand why something like their personal love life would make you disown the person that you have nurtured since birth.
ronitbaras says
February 6, 2013 at 10:01 AMAry0728
It agree with you that I would put the blame on the parents of the bullies tough I think we have a role as an education system to take care of such things. Think about it, most gay teachers hide their personal life in fear of being prosecuted.
I think people are afraid it is “contagious”. I know couples who are gay and I always say that I wish their love for each other would be contagious.
I think the same as you. Whenever I ask myself how would I react, I think of me changing their dippers and loving them.
I think those who disown their kids for being gay are those who think it has a bad implication on them in society. It is usually a sign their are not strong in their emotional intelligence or in their place in their social group.
I went to a religious conference and one of the speakers was a priest who found out his son ( I think about 24 years old) was gay and he talked exactly about this love for him as a kid and about nurturing his son from birth. He was amazing. An inspiring guy who proved to us that love is the ultimate religion.
I am sad for those parents who can’t realize this.
Richard John Mattley says
January 24, 2013 at 6:09 AMThis is one of the best articles I have ever read on line!
ronitbaras says
February 6, 2013 at 10:02 AMHI Rick,
Thanks!
Come again!
I hope we’ll be able to spread this and make a different to the attitude towards gays.
Jan Wesenberg says
January 20, 2013 at 12:37 AMIf it’s not easy, that’s because of garbage the parent is carrying in his/her head. Throw it away, and there will be no problem. Do you love your kid? If yes, the question is answered. Support your kid!
ronitbaras says
June 4, 2013 at 5:12 PMJen,
It is not easy. I am sure it is not.
I think the question of do I love my kid? is important.
I think it is the battle between the love for the kids and what would other say about me?
The answer is.
People may say bad things about you but one day, when they are by themselves and connected to their true self, they will say that you were a very loving parent and that they envy your kids for having such courageous parents.
Jean-Paul Malfatti says
January 11, 2013 at 9:51 AM“Bringing someone up is more than just educating him, it is also and mainly waking him up to the responsibility to grow up, by overcoming fears and insecurities in order to live every step of a journey with dignity and courage.” ~Jean-Paul Malfatti
ronitbaras says
January 15, 2013 at 3:04 PMI love this quote!
Richard John Mattley says
January 24, 2013 at 6:08 AMSo do I…and how! As a matter of fact I like everything he writes!
Richard, aka Rick (Jean-Paul’s boyfriend)
Guest says
September 24, 2012 at 10:06 AMI am gay!
We all have a mission to accomplish in this life… Mine is the one to show everyone that, by respecting one another’s equality and proper rights, gays can get along well with whomever they wish. And it has been very emotional for me to see my efforts actually brought to some fruition.
In a certain way we are all the same. Our defects and our qualities are what make us different from one another, and the prejudices and preconceptions are what distance us from the perception of this obvious and undeniable reality.
Jean-Paul Malfatti
Jean-Paul Malfatti says
September 24, 2012 at 10:01 AMI am gay!
We all have a mission to accomplish in this life… Mine is the one to show everyone that, by respecting one another’s equality and proper rights, gays can get along well with whomever they wish. And it has been very emotional for me to see my efforts actually brought to some fruition.
In a certain way we are all the same. Our defects and our qualities are what make us different from one another, and the prejudices and preconceptions are what distance us from the perception of this obvious and undeniable reality.
Jean-Paul Malfatti
ronitbaras says
December 10, 2012 at 4:44 PMJean-Paul Malfatti
Thank you Jean Paul for the honesty and sharing.
As a director of an organisation running diversity education, I can tell you that we have a long way towards respect and equality.
We all her a mission to accomplish and I wish everyone in the world to find that mission and live it.
Maybe, one day we’ll get there.
Ronit
Jean-Paul Malfatti says
January 11, 2013 at 9:23 AMIt’s me that should thank you! And that I do, because people like you make the difference in this world. To love is to find out that life deserves to be lived and shared.
Take care and keep on doing the great job you do!
Jean-Paul, aka Paolino.❤
ronitbaras says
January 15, 2013 at 3:04 PMThanks Jean Paul!