• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Family MattersPractical Parenting Blog

  • Home
  • Series
  • About Ronit Baras
  • Books by Ronit Baras
    • Motivating Kids
    • Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers
    • Reflections
    • In the Outback with Jasmine Banks
    • The Will
    • * Your Cart
    • * Secure Checkout
  • Contact
    • Join Us
Home » Family Matters » Parenting » Losing Your Teen 101

Losing Your Teen 101

Excited teenagers at a music concert

As you know, teens are very close to my heart. At the age of 16, I decided it was time for people to change their attitude towards teens if they want them to change their attitude towards their life and the adults in their life. I was a bit shocked to realize that the relationship I had with my parents from an early age had led us into constant conflict during my teen years.

Until that point, I thought all teens hated their parents and that all parents lost their kids’ respect and trust in their teen years. I knew that having such thoughts did not help teens or parents.

Yet, even during conflicts with my parents (and I had many of those), I knew deep inside that I did not hate them and that they cared about me very much. This belief took me out of a world of conflict into a world of good relationships with my parents all the way to being the parent I am today to my two teens.

The understanding I gained at the age of 16 (lucky me, it happened when I was young) is what makes my kids hear every day of their life how much they are loved and, believe it or not, they also express their love to me every day. Yes, every day!

I think one of the reasons teens find themselves lonely and unable to approach their parents for help is because there is a leak in the communication between them and their parents.

It starts long before they become teenagers. Many parents communicate to their teens in ways they hate when they become teens, but they do not think of new, creative ways to communicate. Remember this:

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten

Anthony Robbins

If you have a great relationship with your teen – keep doing what you do.

If you have a challenging relationship with your teen – it is time to make some changes.

Teenagers have been asked about the attitudes of their parents that are the source of their bad relationships. It was amazing that they all expressed the same frustrations, same difficulties, same attitudes they hate. To them, all parents were the same.

When I read this report, I felt like defending all the parents of teens. The thought we are “the same” is the most insulting feeling for parents and I am sure that if you are a regular reader of this blog, you feel the same.

Out of their input came this list. The list of things you should not do, if you do not want them to categorize you as “just another parent of teens”. I decided to present it as a course for losing your teens (hence the “101” in the title), but you get the drift, right?

Step #1 to losing your teens – Preaching

Teenage boy

One major complaint teens have is that parents preach. Parents preach when they are worried. They believe they can prevent their kids from failing, from falling down, from hurt and disaster but in fact, this translates into patronizing. When you preach, your teens think you are saying, “I know things better than you”. Parents are not there to tell their kids what to do. They are there to love. For teens, preaching is the opposite of love.

When you communicate with your teens and you hear yourself preaching, restate your message as a caring, forward-facing statement that first of all ensures they know you love them.

Step #2 to losing your teens – Nagging

Another thing that turns every teen off is parents’ nagging. If you want your kids to do something and they choose not to do it, but you keep putting pressure on them to do it, you are not respecting the choices they make.

How can you ask your kids to be responsible and make smart choices if you are keep teaching them to do what you have pressured them to do, just because you are a persistent nagger?

If you think it is valid to follow other people’s pressure, do not complain when your kids choose to do things their friends put a pressure on them to do.

When you hear yourself saying, “How many times did I tell you”, recognize you are nagging. They have heard you loud and clear. Saying things hundreds of times is not the answer. If there are things you want to keep saying (I am sure you do) say them without the stress. Stay calm and restate your message in a positive way, such as “I think it is wonderful you hang out with Josh. He is a responsible kid” instead of “I hate it when you hang out with Mike. I told you a hundred times that Mike is a bad influence on you”.

Step #3 to losing your teens – Conditional love

Teenage girl

One of the attitudes that set teens off is conditional love. Many teens believe their parents only love them if they follow the rules. This attitude is extremely dangerous for teens because it makes them do many things, even things that will hurt them, to gain their parents’ love and attention. The extension of this belief is that for me to gain love in life, I need to follow other people’s rules.

It is amazing that teens are convinced they do not get hugs, smiles or attention because they did not do what their parents wanted them to do. Those kids struggle between obeying and feeling loved, while neglecting their own ideas and thoughts, and walking their own path and being rejected. In this dilemma, they are doomed to lose, regardless of what they choose to do.

As a parent, surely you love your kids regardless of their behavior. You love them not matter what. They want to know that! Hug your teens, kiss them, smile at them and give them attention regularly. Let your teens know you love them. Teens who know they are loved even when they fail, fail less.

Step #4 to losing your teens – Constant criticism

Kids grow with love and encouragement. Some parents think they need to tell their kids what is wrong with them in hope of “improving them” and making life easy for them. “Why didn’t you get an ‘A’ on your exam?” “Why can’t you be like other kids?” “A kid your age should not be looking like this”.

While kids still depend on their parents for encouragement and support, teens will easily give up that dependency and look for encouragement somewhere else. When they need encouragement, they are subject to influence you do not necessary want them to have. In this emotional state, they can be easily encouraged to drink, use drugs, do illegal things or have unsafe sex.

Teens who think they need constant “improvement” start thinking of themselves as defective or broken. This feeling greatly damages their self-esteem and makes their life harder and more complicated.

If you find yourself wanting to improve your teens, stop and think. Do you really think they need constant fixing? Have you done such a bad job for 12 to 20 years that nothing has turned out well?

When you have the urge to say something to improve your teen, think of something good to say about them instead and notice how in a second your relationship changes.

Join me in two weeks for Losing Your Teens 102.

And if you want to know more about how teens think, read my book Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers.

Happy “parenteeng” (parenting your teens),
Ronit

Share This Page

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)

Related

 

July 21, 2008 by Ronit Baras In: Parenting, Relationships / Marriage, Teens / Teenagers Tags: acceptance / judgment / tolerance, communication, conflict, practical parenting / parents, projection, relationships / marriage, self confidence / self esteem / self worth, stress / pressure, teen books, teens / teenagers

Reader Interactions

Share Your Thoughts Cancel reply

* Your comment may take up to a day to appear.

Comments

  1. Ronit Baras says

    September 21, 2009 at 2:42 PM

    HI Kaira,

    I am glad you liked it.
    come again.

    Ronit

    Reply
  2. Kaira says

    September 19, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    Good job. Nice tips, I must say.

    Reply
  3. Ronit Baras says

    September 11, 2008 at 8:22 PM

    HI Trubled teen,

    Thank you for the tip.
    I think this is a great tip.
    It is so importent not to mix between the kid and the behavior.

    Thanks for the tip and come again.

    Happy weekend
    Ronit
    Kids Coaching

    Reply
  4. troubled teen program in arizona says

    September 4, 2008 at 1:02 AM

    great work! i think one parenting tip is that when children make mistake, not condemn the child. parents can talk with their children about unacceptable behavior without making the children feel they are bad. it is better to say that a child had behaved in an unacceptable way than to say that the child is bad.

    Reply

Get Happiness by Email

Sign up to receive posts by email and get my free mini-course Seven Emails with Seven Secrets for Seven Weeks to boost your personal development

0% Complete

Join Us on Social Media

  • Click to visit our Facebook page (Opens in new window)
  • Click to visit my Twitter profile (Opens in new window)
  • Click to visit my LinkedIn profile (Opens in new window)
  • Click to see my Pinterest profile (Opens in new window)
  • Click to visit the RSS feed (Opens in new window)

Books by Ronit Baras

  • What motivates your child? Read Motivating Kids by Ronit Baras Motivating Kids From: $9.95
  • Reflections by Ronit Baras Reflections From: $5.99
  • In the Outback with Jasmine Banks by Ronit Baras In the Outback with Jasmine Banks From: $5.99
  • Be Special Be Yourself for Teenagers by Ronit Baras Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers From: $5.99
  • The Will by Ronit Baras The Will From: $5.99

Ronit Baras

Be Happy in LIFE logo
Book your private life coaching with Ronit Baras and learn how to be happy in life

Need Better Movie Options?

SmartFeed better movie options

You’re Reading a Top 50 Parenting Blog

Top 50 Family Blog Award Top 50 Amazing Parenting Blogs 2017

Related Links

  • Be Happy in LIFE – Life Coaching
  • Personal Growth Web
  • The Motivational Speaker
  • Tsoof Baras – percussionist, composer and producer

Primary Sidebar

Your Cart

Speaker Bookings

Ronit Baras
Book Ronit as a Speaker for Your event »

Ready to be happy?

Happy woman holding a cup in the snow
Be empowered and set your spirit free!

Engage Ronit as Your Life Coach »

Give to Receive

Kiva - loans that change lives

Contact Us · Subscribe · Terms of Use / Privacy Statement · Affiliate Program · Sitemap

Copyright © 2019 Be Happy in LIFE · Built and powered by Get Business Online

Secure HTTPS

  • Home
  • Series
  • About Ronit Baras
  • Books by Ronit Baras
    • Motivating Kids
    • Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers
    • Reflections
    • In the Outback with Jasmine Banks
    • The Will
    • * Your Cart
    • * Secure Checkout
  • Contact
    • Join Us

How to Motivate Kids

Get this essential guide to motivating kids (and teens) and master the art of motivation.

BUY IT NOW

×

Get Happiness by Email

Sign up to receive posts by email and get my free mini-course Seven Emails with Seven Secrets for Seven Weeks to boost your personal development

0% Complete
×

Why are you leaving?

Your feedback is greatly appreciated. Please tick all your reasons for not buying.

How can we help you buy? (optional)

×

Share This Page

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)