I have a friend who goes on a men's camp every year. When his boys were young, he went by himself and felt very supported there. As soon as his boys turned 13 and were allowed to go with him, away they went together and spent a great time bonding - singing, dancing, doing physical exercise and watching performances. He has been nagging me to come with him on that camp for a few years now, saying there is something special about the freedom and "safe space" it provides.

So far, I have not gone.

In the past few months, Ronit worked with several boys whose father had died or spent a lot of time away from home. Whenever we talked about them, I kept having the feeling that although they were young (5 to 8 years old), they felt like little men. I felt they saw themselves as somewhat responsible for the wellbeing of their family and had to fill the very large shoes of their absent father.

That was not enough either.

But this week, Ronit said to me, "You should write a bit about the role of fathers in particular. If I write it, it will be like a lecture, but if you write it, it will be real". And then, out of the blue, I got a newsletter from Fathering Adventures, letting me know they now offer adventures not only to fathers and sons, but also to dads and daughters.

So I thought, "OK, that's it. I'd better write something on this topic".

Now, I am not a stereotypical man. I am not competitive, I never pick a fight, I do not drink, I do not swear, I love to cook, I work at home and do many homey things, like driving the kids to school, helping with homework, reading bedtime stories and so on. The main manly quality I have is the need to protect my family all the time and everywhere.

But I used to work long hours away from home and provide the main income, I used to be short-tempered when I was home and I used to be completely out of touch with what my family was going through. Even on weekends, it would take me until late on Saturday to get work out of my head so I can relax and participate.

When Eden was little, I was a very dogmatic and clueless father. Ronit was great (she was a very natural mother), so she took care of Eden, thinking it would be OK, because Eden needed a female role model anyway. In fact, Eden needed my company. In the evenings, when I told her it was time to shower and go to bed, she would refuse and we would have a big struggle, which ended in her agreeing to have a (long) bath instead of a (short) shower and me sitting beside her and listening to her tell me about her day.

Later on, I learned that fathers provide a very important role model to their daughters - that of a potential partner. In fact, the best way to ensure your daughter chooses a decent fellow for a husband and a decent father for her children is to be a decent husband yourself and a decent father to your children.

One of Eden's favorite things was to walk hand-in-hand with me. She would hold my hand and look proud, which made me feel great. She is 23 now (her birthday is tomorrow) and still does that.

I thought that was a natural thing many fathers did, until I heard a story from a friend of ours who is a great father about his 16-year-old daughter. He said, "She and I were walking along the beach and she reached out and held my hand. I realized it made me uncomfortable. I was thinking about what others might think about me walking around with a beautiful young girl. I wondered about the psychological stage she was in and whether holding my hand meant something, um, you know. Then she looked up at me and said, 'Dad, I love walking hand-in-hand with you like we did when I was little. I hope we never stop'. It hit me that as far as she was concerned, I would always be her father, no matter how old she was or how old I was, and that I made her feel safe and loved by holding her hand".

Are you having a soft moment?

When Tsoof was about 3 years old, he discovered soccer. After that, he wanted to play soccer all the time. Between the ages of 3 and 5, a time of endless energy, as soon as I walked in the door in the evening, stressed and hungry, the only thing I could do was play soccer with him. Ronit and Eden took care of dinner and I took care of Tsoof.

This was what you might consider a typical father and son relationship, involving sport, but Tsoof also started playing hand drums at that tender age and being the musical parent (I am auditory and Ronit is not), I also played with him, took him to classes and supported his musical development.

Noff is a lot more like Ronit, but I stayed home with her for a few months when she was a year old and I get to spend the most time with her more than I ever did with her older siblings while working corporate jobs. She is the most independent of our children and that is something I encourage her to be. You can find several posts in this blog about how she inspires me.

I believe that one of the biggest challenges fathers have in modern Western society is that, being the main breadwinners, they engage with their kids at the worst possible times, when they are at their wits' end, just wanting to sit down and shut everything out for while. In this state, the last thing they want to do is care for someone else.

I believe that if you ask any father, he will tell you he wishes he could show his children who he really is. That notion of "who I really am" means that every father acknowledges the effect of his circumstances on his relationship with his kids and feels in his guts that under different circumstances, he could have a great time with his kids and get a lot closer to them.

One idea is to go away with your kids to a place where circumstances are vastly different from your everyday life, where you and your children will go through something meaningful and special and where you will be able to pay close attention to one another for a few days in a row.

The video below is a bit overly dramatic for my liking, but every word spoken in it is gold, especially in the testimonials. The adventure packages include accommodations, food, kayaking, hiking, snorkeling and group coaching. There are weekend and 5-day adventures and there are adventures for "father and son" or "dad and daughter".

[Disclaimer: we get nothing from showing you this, other than the satisfaction of doing something good. While I was watching the video, Ronit jumped up and said, "That's a great idea for <one of her clients> and his son", and then picked up the phone and called him].

If you decide to give Fathering Adventures a try, please come back here and post a comment to let everyone know how it was.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Who’s in Charge?

Carly Fleischmann

If you have ever seen an autistic child throw a tantrum, rock back and forth for a long time or remain transfixed, no matter what others say to them, you may have had a glimpse of the desperate feeling of disconnect. It is as if autism prevents the chance of any form of normal communication even between the autistic person and the people who love them the most - their parents.

In this video is the amazing story of Carly Fleischmann, whose parents found out she was autistic and were told she was also so mentally disabled she would only reach the level of a 6-year-old. Carly's parents decided to beat the odds and the world is now reaping the rewards.

After you watch the video, click Carly's picture and visit her blog, where there are updates, media appearances and ways to communicate with her online.

Apologies for posting this a little late in the day, but I am currently on jury duty. I will tell you all about that when that ends.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Fathering Adventures
• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People

In the past three weeks, he has had many awards night, celebrations, final concerts and farewell parties. During those events, Tsoof received many awards for excellence, for leadership, for showmanship, for his contribution to his school, his friends and his community and we felt honored and blessed for his talents, his kindness and his love for what he does.

You seen this in the movies: the parent of the star performing on stage is sits in the crowd, looks around and tells everyone that sits next to them in excitement, "This is my son" Well, this is how we felt at every event. Tsoof is so talented and so famous we introduce ourselves as "Tsoof's mom/dad/sister" and we were very proud.

At the end-of-year Performing Arts evening, as the winner of the prestigious title "Performing Artist of the Year", Tsoof opened the night and said, "Good evening. My name is Tsoof. I am a school captain, Vocal Harmony and Wind Symphony captain, a member of the Senior Percussion Ensemble (Mac-cussion), Show Choir and Big Band. Thank you for coming this evening".

Gal, Eden, Noff and I sat the whole night proud as peacocks for being associated with him.

That was his last performance with all his ensembles, where he said goodbye to those who had contributed greatly to growing his talents, enthusiasm and passion for music - his music teachers. Three of them had been his musical mentors and had taught him for eight years, through both primary and high school.

David Adelt had been his percussion teacher and mentor since 5^th Grade. Lee Norell had been his band conductor since 5^th Grade and his composition and voice tutor in 12^th Grade. Jody Lutherburrow had been his band conductor since 5^th Grade. Tamara Luski had been his Vocal Harmony and Show Choir conductor and his classroom music teacher for the past 3 years. Sandy Armstrong had been his Performing Arts Coordinator and Music Extension teacher for the past 4 years. From every stage he performed on, he looked at these 5 teachers and thanked them for supporting and developing his talents.

As you know, teaching is not a very prestigious profession. The financial rewards are not that impressive, but the emotional rewards are enormous. When your students are successful, it is a record of your teaching ability.

When we sent our kids to school, I knew that some of the teachers they would meet on their journey would influence their life. I never dreamed it would be such profound impact, carved on every musical piece he writes, every tune he plays and every song he sings.

It is very rare that you have the same teacher for 8 years, let alone 3 of them. If they are great teachers, you can easily explain the excellence.

It was the end-of-year concert and I watched Tsoof performing in most of the numbers of that night. I looked at his teachers and realized they were sitting there, much like us, with teary eyes, proud as peacocks. Every one of them thanked the parents for supporting their kids in their musical pursuits and I whispered, "Thank you!"

Dear David, Lee, Jody, Tamara and Sandy,

I thank you for teaching my son about commitment and that getting up early in the morning, when it is still dark outside, is worth the effort.

I thank you for telling my son over and over again that he needs to play and sing for himself and not to please his parents, as that has developed his self-motivation.

I thank you for being role models for my son. Thank you for being generous with your time and modeling how putting your hand up to help others can make you a better person. Thank you for showing him that giving is the best way to receive.

I thank you for teaching my son that real winners are not those who get the best part or win the competitions but those who have the courage to stretch their boundaries, to try, practice, learn and compete with others, even if they don't have a chance to get the first prize.

I thank you for inspiring my son to embrace every opportunity and make the most of it.

I thank you for being so professional and having high expectations of my son, because I believe that his professionalism and excellence is a result of this constant stretch for excellence.

I thank you for not giving him "discounts" and lowering your expectations just because he had a busy schedule and other things to do. Thanks to this, he has proven to himself he can excel in academics too, despite his being so busy with music.

I thank you for teaching my son to be humble and setting an example of accepting others and their abilities without making fun of them or judging them.

Thank you for teaching my son teamwork, because the success of the ensembles in every piece played or sung was the result of everyone's ability to put the success of the team above their own.

Thank you for allowing him to wear his hat, grow his hair long, keep his uniqueness and show others around him that respect is something that comes from within and the urge for self-expression can be channeled in good ways.

Today, at the graduation ceremony of the Class of 2011, I wanted to say to you that as his teachers, my son spent more time with you than he did at home. I am a proud mother and I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you so much!

To honor these teachers, Tsoof put together a band of friends to play an original song written by Andrew Butler, Jamee Seeto and Tsoof. They rehearsed for hours and at the final concert, they asked the teachers to sit in the front row and played their song for them. Unfortunately, there were some technical glitches, so when we got home, I asked Tsoof to record a simpler version of it. It is called "Goodbye" (temporary name) and describes the students' feelings about leaving their teachers.

Enjoy,
Ronit

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The film we saw was called The Whistleblower. It is a story of an American police officer who works for the United Nations' peacekeeping forces in Bosnia and uncovers a women trafficking operation. We sat on big, soft cushions on the grass at a park by the Brisbane River, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere was magical, we were happy for the chance to get away for a bit in each other's company.

Then, the movie started.

The level of brutality shown on the screen by the traffickers towards the women, the complete disregard for the law and the strong violation of every moral system I could think of disturbed me to the core. I had to struggle to keep watching some scenes and felt terrible for poor Ronit who is generally more sensitive than I am.

When we talked about the movie in the car on the way home, we both wondered what would compel anyone to abuse another person in such a way. Our conclusion was that these people had no love in their hearts. Not romantic love. Kindness, compassion, empathy, tenderness, comradery, friendship and understanding towards another human being.

All they had was fear. It was in their eyes. It was in their laughs. It was in their intonation. It was in their words. Because without love, fear is all that is left.

A few days later, we went to a Christian wedding of the lovely daughter of a lovely couple of friends of ours. We expected to hear about Jesus and God, but the wedding celebrant (who is also the bride's aunt), spent some time explaining why God is love.

She said something like, "People say that God is loving, and He is loving, but that is not his essence. God is love. Because love accepts without condition, encourages without limits and makes everything better".

And I thought to myself, "I wish every person in the world thought this way. Whether they were religious or not, if everybody's faith was in love, this world would be a much better place".

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing love, because they have heard little or no love spoken to them, they have not been hugged or stroked and they have not been praised. Some have had mostly abuse from their parents.

At Ronit's parenting workshops, participants are asked to list the 4 things they want most for their children. Some list health, some list money, some list success, but everyone lists happiness. Ronit then asks them to give up the least important thing and keep just 3, then just 2 and finally, only 1. The parents agonize over the "lost" values, but invariably, they leave happiness in their hands.

When Ronit asks them, "Is this what you spend most of your parenting time on?" some of the parents burst into tears, because they realize that the fighting and forcing and nagging only take away from the thing they want most for their kids - happiness. After this experience, the parents determine to go home and show their children nothing but love, no matter what happens.

We keep in touch with them and that is what many of them do. Parents who have not had love as kids must make an effort to express love for their children, but the rewards are tremendous.

From the kids' point of view, love is a natural thing and expressing it is easy. When we lived in Singapore, Tsoof was 3 years old and had his own room. Sometimes, he played by himself, and then felt alone, so he called out, "Mom/Dad, I love you" and we would reply, "I love you too".

That kept him happily playing in his room for a while longer, knowing we were there for him if he needed us. When he grew up (and, OMG, became a teenager), he started using the same method to diffuse conflicts. Say Noff is upset with him and starts talking tough, he says, "I love you too" and she softens (if not, he says it again).

With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to encourage you to show your love for your children as much as you can. Giving gifts is certainly a great way, but it is only one of the 5 languages of love.

I also wanted to leave you with a song from a Christmas film (Scrooged), which captured the essence of this post very well. The lyrics are below, so you can sing along (go easy if you are at work, but go nuts if you are at home).

Loving parenting,
Gal

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Steve Carell makes movies that are full of embarrassing moments and this usually turns me off. I see him as the American version of Mr. Bean. I also find his acting melodramatic and externalized and I generally prefer subtle and deep. In this film, he was not only the main character, he was also the producer, which should have had me running in the other direction, except I only found that out in the final credits, and by that time, I already had a lot of respect for him.

If you have not seen Crazy, Stupid, Love, it starts with a marriage breakdown and divorce, continues through the attempted recovery of both partners and their children and at the same time, weaves in the generational difference between the old one-partner-from-a-young-age and the new ongoing-partying-and-casual-sex-until-thirty-something. Here is the trailer (see you on the other side):

A web of good people

What I found special about this movie is that unlike the typical good-vs-bad attitude and one-sided story lines we see a lot, this story shows how good, well-meaning people can be hurt and their lives can be complicated. It shows each character close up and personal, so their point of view keeps making sense, but the clashes and awkward moments are painfully inevitable.

Good parenting comes first

The Weavers got together when they were young and had kids early, but they are great parents. They clearly love their children and respect them as human beings. They have meaningful conversations and actually listen to them, even when the kids speak the naked truth.

I loved this, because there are some excellent examples in the film for how to be honest with your kids, how to communicate with them at eye level and how to benefit from their perspective. I loved it even more because they managed to stay great parents despite their marriage problems and personal struggles (Cal Weaver is such a pushover at the start of the film).

The Weaver children have their difficulties too, and they express those in various (and sometimes dysfunctional) ways, but in general, they are really good kids who love their parents and describe how they feel in surprising clarity. Many parents might sit in the cinema and think, "Yeah, right, like a 13-year-old would ever do THAT", but my 15-year-old son is now going through some challenging times and handling them even better.

Common marriage problems

The relationship problems shown in the movie are very common these days. With the divorce rate hovering around 50% in the USA and Australia, it is also very common for these marriage problems to end in a divorce and for the couple to become two single parents and struggle to restore their self-esteem and stability in life.

But marriages that last still suffer erosion and married couples who stay together still lose the romance and the passion sometimes. Feeling unheard, unappreciated and even unloved is part of every couple's life. If they pay attention and refocus their relationship, it lasts, but if they let things slide too long, divorce can seem like a blessing.

What makes a man

Young Jacob is rich by inheritance and spends his days in leisure and his nights in pleasure with young women. He is very confident about his manhood and makes Cal look pathetic.

This brings up the question "What makes you a man?" Is it the number of women you sleep with? Is it the ease with which you can get an unfamiliar woman to go to bed with you? Is it the way you dress, the shoes you wear or your hairstyle? Is it your sculpted muscles and physical strength?

Cal is so out of his depth in the nightclub, Jacob is almost a god to him with his smooth ways and confidence-boosting methods. But at some point, the first woman goes home with him and they have a good time, and after that, it becomes easy.

In a nice twist of events, Jacob then faces feelings of love for the first time and panics. In all his conquests, his way to the girls' hearts was to shower them with interest and attention, which also saved him from having to expose himself and being vulnerable. But when this special girl wants to know him better, he freaks out so much, he calls Cal for advice.

Recently, I touched on the self-doubt of men who have only been with one partner in How to Be Faithful. I think Crazy, Stupid, Love does a wonderful job of taking us along the path of either choice (Jacob's and Cal's) and showing us that neither is perfect and neither is better than the other.

Soul mates

The term "soul mate" is used a lot in the film, even overused, but there is a scene in which Cal tells Emily (his ex-wife who had cheated on him) about his one-night stands and she is appalled. For a second, we are with her, thinking, "How could you?" but then he says to her, "I was trying to move on".

Emily felt bad in their marriage, slept with a coworker and initiated a divorce, but she feels justified in criticizing Cal for sleeping with other women. After all, they were soul mates...

But divorce involves a lot of loss and grief, with both partners feeling like a part of their soul is indeed ripped out of them. Many divorcees keep track of their ex-partner's social profiles, ask mutual friends about their life and compare every subsequent potential partner to their ex.

Whether or not we are soul mates when we start our relationship, our souls gradually become connected through hardships and joy, through pregnancies, deliveries and sleepless nights, through first teeth and first steps, through driving lessons and exams, through lost jobs and new jobs, moving houses, changing cars and all those other joint experiences that leave their emotional marks on us.

Next to these things, having sex with someone else is a small thing, but we do not always remember that.

I came away from the movie with a lot of love in my heart. In the past few days, there is more love in everything I do, more softness, more attention and more respect. I checked the patterns of my life against scenes from the movie and compared myself with the characters in it.

In the end, I realized (again) that love may be crazy, but it is certainly not stupid.

Happy marriage, relationship and parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• TV Diet (6): Disposable relationships
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If you are a parent of a child who has been diagnosed or suspected as having ADHD and you are considering putting them on Ritalin, this post is for you! I have written about ADHD in this blog before, hoping to empower parents to take control over the health and wellbeing of their children and making sure their kids do not become a label. I hope today's story and video will help you make more informed choices about ADHD and Ritalin.

I have been working in the special education field for 25 years. My amazing mentors and teachers warned me that one day, the inflation in the use of drugs to solve academic or behavioral problems like ADD, ADHD, emotional struggles and even tiredness will be so high that my job would be to stay on guard and offer parents alternatives and hope. I took this job description very seriously, but never in my darkest and most pessimistic dreams have I seen it becoming as big or as scary as this.

I am angry and I want to cry from frustration, because we have lost one more child to a form of organized crime. I am writing this post to recover, to remind myself of my job description, to try and save other children from a horrible fate and to offer hope, only this time I need that hope myself.

Ritalin devastation

Luke was a highly auditory child I worked with after he had been diagnosed with ADHD. I tried to convince his mom to give him coffee to calm him down, because coffee has a calming effect on children with ADHD. She told a friend of hers about this tip and her friend's child relaxed and "became a new child", but Luke's mom never tried it.

I worked with Luke for about 3 months. The increase in his ability to concentration was amazing. Luke was in Prep (the year before First Grade) and through our sessions together, he started reading faster than any of his classmates. He was a lot of fun and we had amazing conversations that you would not expect to have with a 6 year old.

During those three months, despite his progress, every time his mom entered the room to pick him up, he looked worried as if he could sense something bad was happening to her. From time to time, he would ask in an anxious tone, "Mom, what happened?" she would say, "Nothing", but later on, she would cry and tell me she was confused. I did not dig any deeper into her personal life, but it was obvious something had happen during the time she had been away and Luke could sense it in a flash.

I admired Luke's mom, because all through the previous year she had refused to give him medication and had tried different diets, although she had not been consistent or selective in her approach to these diets (she weighed over 140kg and huffed and puffed from shortness of breath). She had taken off many things at once, had not eliminated them from Luke's diet for long enough and had not stopped using some techniques even when they had not worked.

The refusal to medicate Luke ended one day when him mom had a nervous breakdown and the doctor prescribed her antidepressants. This was the day she said, "I can't do this anymore", and handed her power over to the psychologist. The psychologist came to observe Luke in class for half an hour (which is more than some others do), then talked to his parents for an hour and prescribed Ritalin.

One day, Luke did not come to his session with me. I called his mom and she did not answer the phone. I emailed her and she did not reply. I SMSed her and she did not respond. I waited for the following week and Luke still did not show up. I tried all the communication channels again. Nothing. I contacted the school, which had been very helpful during the time I worked with Luke, and found out Luke had stopped coming to school. They thought his family had moved to a different town and said his mom had not replied to any of their communication efforts either.

This week, I went to Luke's school for a project I am running there. I talked to his special education teacher and wanted to cry. I was so angry and wanted to scream out loud. This is my scream. I hope you will be able to read it in between the lines.

Luke was given Ritalin for about 4 months. When his behavior got out of control, he was admitted into a mental institute several times after trying to commit suicide and having incidents of psychotic hallucinations. He went in and out of the mental ward until they concluded he had Schizophrenia and he was given a different medication for that.

For crying out loud, he is 6 years old!

How many kids are victims of this crime?!

I came home devastated. I had lost one more child to the organized crime of drugging kids to death. Luke was just 6 years old and could have killed himself because someone did not bother telling his parents about the risks of taking Ritalin.

I have decided to remind myself of the job description and use this story to warn every parent about treating this dangerous drug as an easy solution for ADHD.

Emergency room visits by kids aged 10 to 14 involving Ritalin intoxication or overdoses have now reached the same level of those visiting for use of cocaine
- Citizen's Commission on Human Rights

The government classifies Cocaine, Morphine and Ritalin in the same category of "highly addictive drugs". No one would give their child Cocaine. Why would you give your child Ritalin?

If you ever consider giving your child Ritalin, do yourself a favor and watch this video first.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Wonders of Ritalin
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To a great extent, this also affects parents of teenagers, who are being encouraged to consider every little friction and identity-building exercise on the teen's part as part of their overall negative attitude to adults and authority.

Yesterday evening, however, Channel Ten in Australia showed a piece titled "Teen Trouble?" in which a mother and her 3 wonderful teenagers were interviewed, having gone through Ronit's coaching programs. Ronit was also interviewed as a parenting expert with some tips on how to get along well with teenage children and build strong relationships with them.

Irene Thompson and her lovely kids are a great example of how well and how quickly the Be Happy in LIFEparenting workshops and teen coaching programs work.

Here is the video  for your viewing pleasure:

The next parenting workshop open to the public in Brisbane will be on the 30^th of October and bookings are available for groups and organizations anywhere in Australia and around the world.

Love your teens and see them blossom,
Gal

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart

Sometimes, life hands us a rare opportunity to become aware of our choices of lifestyle. These are typically unpleasant, but they still get the job done. Ronit and I have written before about our own baby losses and about our friend's near-death experience.

During my time on Twitter, I bumped into a social media superstar called Scott Stratten. Normally, Internet marketers tend to be pushy, self-absorbed characters and I quickly tire of them and move on, but Scott has adopted an "unmarketing" approach and made that his brand, under the slogan "Stop marketing. Start engaging".

So I started following him and enjoyed his posts and video clips for a while, until at some point, I saw some of his posts on parenting. As it turns out, his family life is a little harder than most, but he handles it with bravery and grace, which I find inspiring.

In his post 25 Things You Didn't Know About Me, one of the most important things on the list is "My girlfriend and son were in a car accident December '07 while I was at my Nanny's (aka Grandmother) funeral. He walked away unscathed, she lives in constant pain and has partial brain damage and it kills me every day that I can't fix it or I can't go punch the woman in the mouth who ran the red light".

This week, I saw a talk Scott Stratten gave at TEDx, which made me choke. My son Tsoof was watching it over my shoulder and felt the same. Although it is difficult to learn from other people's experiences, I really hope this will hit the right spot for you, for your kids' sake.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Joyful parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners
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• Crazy, Stupid, Love

"Why do you want her to brush her teeth?" I asked.

"Because I want them to be healthy", she said.

As a mother, I would have answered exactly the same way, but I have since read about research on the benefits of having white teeth and there is more to it.

Parents want the best for their kids. We all know how important it is to brush our teeth in the morning and in the evening in order to keep germs away and avoid cavities and pain, not to mention large dental bills. But did you know that having white teeth can do a lot not just for your kids' health, but also for their psychology and their level of success in life?

Well, when people smile, showing a full set of white teeth, it can be seen up to 200 meters. Whether we like the idea or not, people associate white teeth with success. I would want my kids to know that, together with the health benefits of taking care of your teeth.

Research done in 2007 on the impact of whiter teeth on job acquisition and relationships found that people who have whiter teeth have an advantage at finding both jobs and love. In the experiment, most of the participants thought that a person's appearance was an indicator of their success. Participants thought that people who looked good were more trustworthy, more professional and more successful financially.

According to this research:

• 68% of people consider personal appearance an indication of professional success
• 64% see personal appearance as an indication of financial success
• 52% believe that personal appearance is an indication of being trustworthy

The researcher wanted to know if teeth whitening had an impact on applicants' success at job interviews. All the participants went through two separate interviews and used a home whitening product between their first and the second interview. Each interview was conducted by a different person.

After participants' teeth had been whitened, 58% more were hired, 53% received higher salary offers, 65% were viewed as more professional, and 61% were viewed as more confident.

Another study about first impressions sent participants on first dates before and after whitening their teeth and interviewed their partners. After whitening their teeth, 59% were viewed as more outgoing and 54% were more likely to go on another date with the same partner and perhaps have a relationship.

When I read about this research, I wondered whether having white teeth makes people behave differently or people just view it that way. Then I decided that either way, it definitely gives you an advantage.

I have found a video about the research for your viewing convenience.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Although having white teeth has nothing to do with having clean teeth, neglected teeth with holes or fillings and teeth with cigarette, coffee and/or red wine stains can get in the way of our success in life.

So now, when you see someone with teeth stained in yellow, brown or black, you can point them out to your kids and say, "See this person? It's a lot harder for them to find a job or a date because", because now you can back this up with research results. If you want your kids to be viewed as being more confident, besides explaining the health benefits of brushing their teeth and going for regular dentist checkups, tell them the psychological and financial benefits of being perceived as trustworthy and successful.

I wonder if our kids measure our success and trustworthiness by looking at our teeth too. Just in case, I think I will brush my teeth three times today…

Happy parenting,
Ronit

Important notes

I believe that people perceive themselves and others based on looks and smiles, but:

1. The study mentioned above was funded for the company that makes the whitening strips and was based on simulated interviews and dates.
2. I get absolutely nothing from them (would have been nice, but no).
3. Whitening your teeth involves chemicals that oxidize your teeth and may weaken them a tiny bit at a time, so please use common sense and professional advice before doing it.
4. Personally, I would avoid whitening kids' teeth. I would just encourage them to clean well.

You may want to read

• Money for Nothing
• Help
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money

It is not easy being a parent and making the decision of what to buy your kids, because kids are just young and they do not understand money and priorities, how full their wardrobe will be if we get them any shirt or pants they want or how full the house will be if we get them all the latest gadgets or toys. Kids make the decision to want or not to want things based on an urge. Sometimes the urge is internal and sometimes it is external.

Adults do exactly the same - we buy things just because we feel like it - but adults also consider the value of the object and that is not only the price but the ratio between how much we spend and how much we get out of our purchase. As a parent, I would like to teach my kids about that ratio too.

So let me tell you a story about the boy in the photo. His name is Tsoof and he is my middle son. He is 14 years old and his requests for musical instruments started at the age of 3. We were in Paris on a trip and while walking through the train station, we say people playing the violin. Tsoof was fascinated and for 11 days, he kept saying, "I want to play the violin". We were in a transition between Singapore and Australia at the time and we knew we would be travelling for 4 months, so we said we would discuss this again when we settled in Australia.

When we left France, Tsoof stopped talking about playing the violin, so Gal and I thought this was a good way of checking whether our kids really wanted something - waiting a bit.

When he was 4 and we lived in Australia, Tsoof said he wants to play the drums. We to him, "Think about it for a while and we'll talk about it in a month". Well, what do you know? He nagged about it all the time and because we did not buy him a drum, he played on his stomach, on the walls and on the table. He even found spoons and sticks and played with them. So we figured he was serious and bought him his first drum - an Egyptian darbuka - and he had his first lessons at the young age of 4.

Since then, he has played his musical instruments so well and so often he now has a pair of congas, a djembe, a cowbell and a snare drum and he plays them all, as well as Eden's keyboard.

When there is a will there is a way

Three years ago, Tsoof came home and said, "I want to play the guitar". That was funny, because he had never played the guitar and we have nobody anyone around who played the guitar. Besides, Tsoof was very with music and drama and singing and dancing. We joked about it with him, saying, "When will you play, in the middle of the night?"

Finally, Gal and I said to him, "Think about it for a month and we'll talk about it".

Please understand that Tsoof is an expensive kid to raise. He has been doing music at and outside school for years and we invest a lot to allow him to do that. A guitar was not too expensive, but we thought he would never play it.

One day, Tsoof went with Gal to The Reject Shop and when they returned, he said, "Look, Mom, I bought myself a guitar".

"Really?" I was a bit shocked, but he proudly showed me a simple guitar he had bought.

I thought Gal would not buy something like that. He would always aim for something more professional. "Did Dad agree to this?" I asked.

"I bought it myself", Tsoof said to me, looking very proud of himself.

"How much did it cost you?" I asked.

"$30", he said, even prouder he had found such a great bargain.

I have to say I was a bit disappointed. Tsoof was just 11 years old and had little pocket money and I thought the guitar would not even make a sound. Gal said it was a test to see how serious Tsoof was bout his guitar and that $30 is a very low price to pay for this test, which made me feel a bit better about it.

For months, Tsoof sat in front of the computer and learned to play his guitar. It is amazing how much you can learn from the Internet nowadays. He even found sites that helped him tune his guitar. How awesome is that?!

After 3-4 months, a piece inside the guitar broke and we stuck a couple of sol foam blocks to keep it from collapsing (if you look at the photo of him with his guitar, you will see the in blue and orange). We told Tsoof that if he was serious about playing (still not sure when he would find the time to do it), we would buy him a proper.

About a year later, after about 6 lessons with a guitar teacher (during school hours, but at another expense), we bought him a steel string guitar (which sounds better when he plays and sings Tribute).

Being so busy, Tsoof has found the most unusual times to play his guitar. He brings it to the table straight after we finish dinner, plays it and we sing. He plays it in the toilet. He even takes his guitar with him when he and Gal walk around the neighborhood.

In the past 4 months, Tsoof started composing guitar music and did some of it while walking outside with Gal. Last week when they went for a walk, he left his guitar at home and one of the people on the street asked him where his guitar was. So you see? We have no doubt just how serious he is about playing guitar.

Kids will always want things and we as parents would like to give them anything they want, but that is not realistic. Kids are just kids and most of the things we buy them are not used very much.

When your kids want something, ask yourself, "How many hours a week do they play with this toy?" or "How many times have they worn that unusual dress to special events?" This will show you that the usage is very low most of the time.

Sometimes, a test of their desire can help you predict how much value they will get out of it. Just ask them, "Will you pay for it from your own money?" And let them pay, just it to see if they are really serious. You can always pay them back later.

It has been 3 years since Tsoof bought his ragged, half-broken $30 guitar and he still plays it most of the time. When I listen to him singing and writing music, it amazes me every time to discover how beautiful it sounds and how much joy it can give him (and us as his family). When I ask myself how many times he uses it, the answer is 3-4 hours a week, which is a lot in his busy schedule, which sure makes it worth his investment. He passed the desire test 3 years ago and every day, after dinner, when he plays his guitar, he passes it again.

Here is a video of Tsoof showing him playing his beaten guitar for you to see that when there is a will there is a way.

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Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques