Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

TED is a really special forum, where truly remarkable people from many areas - thought leaders - give short presentations that educate and inspire. I visit that site from time to time and often find golden nuggets, like I did this week.

Here is a presentation by Neil Pasricha, an award-winning blogger and best-selling author who writes about the good things in life. Not big things, but good things. Not things that blow us away, but things we should still notice and draw strength and happiness from.

I was especially moved by his authentic display of emotions, which stands out in a world where everybody tries to look cool all the time.

It is called "The 3 A's of Awesome".

Enjoy,
Gal

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I grew up in a small town, where I knew lots of people. As a kid in 1^st Grade, I rode the bus home from school for 20 minutes, after crossing a main street. I was very proud of myself, but the only reason I agreed to it was because the bus driver at that particular time was my parents' friend and I trusted him.

When I was growing up, TV was a new thing, broadcasting hours were limited and the quality was pretty bad, so I mostly played outside with my friends. If anything happened to me when my mom was away, I would just go into my friend's home and get some help from his parents.

When my mom came home late, I would go to my divorced, middle-aged neighbor and he would tell me stories from another country feed me exotic food and keep me safe until it was time for me to go home.

What made me feel safe was mostly that people behaved in a way that matched their words and their facial expressions. When a man used harsh words, he also waved his arms, shook his fist and screwed up his face. When a woman offered to help me, she also smiled and looked relaxed and kind all over.

Not these days.

Try to remember the last time you watched the news on TV. The anchors smiled most of the time, didn't they? They even exchanged jokes from time to time, right? But the topics on the news were all doom and gloom - shootings, robberies, dishonest politicians, government decisions you may not like, etc.

Is it appropriate to behave cheerfully when you deliver bad news?

Now, consider most of the "sitcoms". In a typically conversation, the audience is the real listener and the participants are just acting out a script, so delivering hurtful words, putting others down and using sarcasm are all "part of the deal", while keeping a posture and facial expression that says, "Yeah! I'm all that".

But in our daily life, there is no audience. The only ones hearing the words are us and we get hurt by them. And when someone we love says something that hurts and looks like they have just won the lotto, it makes us wonder how much they care.

Switch channels to any police drama series, in which actors pretend to have various emotions, but all the time they are made to look suspicious in order to keep the tension.

After watching enough of these, do you trust people more? Worse, do you trust your own judgment and ability to tell a liar from an honest person?

This has become so difficult, there is even a special series called Lie to Me, which supposedly teaches us how to detect when people are lying. According to Scientific American, there is a real professor of lie detection behind the series, but there is a staggering variety of expressions to keep up with.

I was talking to Tsoof last week about how films are being used for advertising and gave him the example of product placements in The Truman Show (see in this video). There is a scene in the movie when Truman is upset and his wife offers to make him some cocoa, but she presents the package to the hidden camera behind him and praises the cocoa until he turns around and wonders, "Who are you talking to?"

The same thing happens in nearly every commercial on TV, on radio, in the papers and online, as well as in infomercials during morning shows. A person appears to be very pleased with some product and makes statements about it, which nobody would ever say to a friend at home. There is a big contrast between being a familiar actress and energetically promoting headache medicine.

I believe these things (and others) are leading our kids to distrust body language, facial expression and tone of voice as ways to receive messages from others. Worse, by often mimicking this inconsistent behavior, our kids are actually training themselves to lie better, which makes me worry for them sometimes.

The link between our body language, facial expression and tone of voice and our emotional state is extremely difficult to control consciously, maybe even impossible. I used to be very attentive to words, but since becoming a life coach, I have greatly improved my abilities to detect emotional messages through behavior. When I meet new people or watch people in public places, I can easily pick them out and sometimes predict the next steps.

But the important thing about all of this is that the most appealing people I meet are the ones who appear as angry, kind, distressed or happy as they say they are - the ones who seem to be hiding nothing. I want my kids to be like them.

A few years ago, I worked with a young Indian woman who was like that. She was very gentle, but she was never bullied. She was very religious and had a picture of an old guru on her desk, but she was never mocked or ostracized. She was sure of herself and acted from a point of confidence and everyone just loved that.

I read somewhere that the reason we like babies is that they are innocent. This lasts roughly until they go to school and then they learn too much about manipulation. In a sense, she was like a young child - pure.

It takes confidence to show who you really are. It may not be possible to do it all the time and with everybody, but I will do my best to teach my kids to work on their beliefs, their thoughts and their emotions and live honestly. And I am going to do this by showing them how.

How about you?

Happy parenting,
Gal

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The discussion was about kids, Santa Claus and fairies. We talked about the right time to tell kids who really puts the money under their pillow and who really buys their gifts for Christmas. I had taken part in similar debates and they always become passionate, as did this one.

1. Is it honest to tell kids about Santa and the Tooth Fairy?
2. What should we say when they ask? (Liar, liar pants of fire!)
3. When is the right time to tell them about the role their parents play in this?
4. What will they think when they find out we are the real fairies?

I am very passionate about Santa Claus and fairies. When I was a kid, there were no Santa or fairies in my life and my family was very much down to earth. "Don't get silly ideas in kids' heads" was their motto.

Magic, as you know, is a pretty expensive game and my family was very poor. My parents had 5 kids, my mom worked from 5am to 3pm and my dad worked two jobs from 6am until late in the evening, so they could not afford to play with magic. At least they did not think they could and, as Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right!"

My parents did not believe in magic and, although I believe they did their best to raise us, I think we missed a big part of childhood, that fun part when your imagination goes wild and you have the comfort of believing someone is taking good care of you and someone will grant your wishes.

When I had my first child, I vowed I would create magic in her life, so I told her stories about the Queen of Stars, the Tooth Fairy and Santa and even came up with beliefs about things that never happened to make her feel good. For example, did you know that if you take a fallen eyelash and blow it away while you make a wish, your wish will be granted? Well, you do now!

In my parent coaching course, I teach parents to plant seeds of thoughts in their kids' mind so they will think they are awesome, friendly, healthy, happy, successful, sensitive, smart, gifted, talented … (oh, my list is huge).

Someone always says to me, "But Ronit, what if they're not?"

Well, if they are not, it only means you have not convinced them yet that they are, because everyone is…

I think the debate about fairies is exactly like the debate about planting seeds.

1. Is it honest to tell kids they have a quality they do not?
2. What do we say when they behave in the opposite way?
3. When do we tell them we have manipulated them to think good things about themselves?
4. What will they think when they find out they were not gifted and we convinced them they were?

Well, the answer to the question lies in the way kids form their identity.

Forming our identity is a long life process and the major part of it happens in the early years. Kids receive messages (verbal and non-verbal) about who they are, about their place in the world and about their personality from the people who are closest to them. A 2-year-old toddler who is told he has no manners during every meal will develop an identity of someone who has no table manners. Being just a kid, nobody expects him to come to his mother and say, "Excuse me Mom, but I'm just a kid and my motor skills are not yet fully developed and I have not experienced eating by myself with a knife and fork and the chair is a bit too far from the table, so please cut me some slack. Let's have a discussion about it in 6 months to evaluate my progress…"

He is just a kid!

If we tell him instead he is making great progress and already holding his teaspoon like a really big boy, he will eventually live up to our statements.

Believing in Santa and Fairies is the same. We have the power to plant a seed of magic in our kids' minds and make them feel good. They will figure it out at some point, but then, they will not say you were a liar but that you were doing your best to make them feel good.

Anyway, on my daughter's play day, I did my spiel about magic and fairies and even told the other parents about some tricks I use to play the game better.

1. I hide the gifts in the garage in different places so my kids will never find them.
2. I buy different wrapping paper and throw away the leftovers so my kids will not recognize it.
3. Sometimes, I even buy a separate gift from us and wrap it with our own wrapping paper.
4. I buy Mom and Dad gifts too, to make it more real.
5. When I buy something and I am not sure about the size, I attach the receipt and tell the kids that when Santa is not sure, he leaves the receipt so we can exchange it (this also solved the mystery of why so many people exchange things after Christmas).
6. I print the cards and labels so they will not recognize my hand writing.
7. I write a note to the Tooth Fairy to leave me their tooth and get them to place it with their tooth under the pillow ("Dear Tooth Fairy, you have plenty of teeth already and I would like to keep this one to remember, so can you please leave it there in the morning? Thank you, Ronit, Noff's mom").
8. When I forget the tooth money, I "go looking" for it myself, put the money inside the pillow case and tell my kids to look again, "Maybe inside the pillow case". When they find it, they think it was just well hidden before.
9. When my kids ask me if I believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, I tell them, "This is what everyone says and I've never found a way to prove it wrong" (have you noticed I did not lie?! This way, I can keep my pants from being on fire).

The host of the play day told us that when he forgets to put money for the tooth, he tells his kids the tooth fairy was probably very busy last night and puts the money under her pillow the next day.

I promised the other parents I would take a poll and find out what other parents think. So let's do it!

Answer the question if you are doing it now or did it in the past.

I would love you to share with us some of your Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy tricks and tell us what you believe and why.

Enjoy the magic of your kids' imagination.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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This is a very good thing, because otherwise, we would spend most of our time wondering what to do and being totally confused.

But most of our knowledge has been acquired by a process we call "learning", which is when information comes to us from a trusted person (teacher, professor, parent, etc) or a trusted source (books, newspapers, TV).

For this type of knowledge, we have no proof. Most people have never seen the world from the outside, yet they feel they know what it looks like. Most people have never been to faraway countries (like, oh, I don't know, Iraq maybe), but they argue with certainty the latest events they see on the news. Most people are no experts on economy, health, philosophy or education, but they feel comfortable talking about them at parties.

This type of knowledge is delivered to us by subjective sources and is very often only valid in the context in which it is given. We feel we have gained new knowledge, but we have actually created a new belief based on our trust in the source.

18^th century philosopher David Hume claimed we actually know nothing for sure. He said that if we throw a tennis ball at a wall and it bounces back, the only thing we can learn from it is that the ball has bounced back. We can throw it again and again 1,000 times and there is still no guarantee it will bounce back the next time. The ball might get flattened and drop, the wall might crumble or someone might step into the ball's path. We know absolutely nothing about the future with real certainty.

OK, so this is a bit extreme, because 1 out of 1,000 is still pretty certain, but the point is that we never truly know anything unless we know everything.

But beyond philosophy, I am sure you realize that news sells advertising and that the information we are exposed to is selective and biased. When a government's political agenda changes after an election, even your kids' school curriculum may change, sometimes to the point of using different History and Social Science books that support a different political opinion.

I have had some personal experience with fabricating reality to suit the media, including newspapers, radio stations and a TV program. It was not pretty.

How does this affect your life? And how is it related to parenting?

I am glad you asked.

Our modern world bombards us with information everywhere and from every direction. Organizations have become very clever about the way they send us messages - they use "authoritative" figures to deliver the messages, they use (incessant) repetition, they attract our attention towards what they deem important and draw it away from what would be better for them we did not see.

This is the most difficult time in history to get clear, objective and accurate information on anything, really. We see things "as they happen", but we never see what happens behind, around or in the next street. We read inflaming descriptions of what someone has said, done and even meant in big, bold letters, but we never notice the tiny correction statement on the inside back page with the person's response.

And most of the information is bad - people get killed, abused, taken to court, arrested, flooded and evicted, they fight and they suffer disasters and oppression. The world is a dangerous place for kids.

Is it?

Well, our kids do not know any better than what we allow them to know. Being young, they are curious and open and do not question incoming information. Being small, they trust grown-ups and older kids just because they are bigger and older. Being human, once they form a belief, they begin to reinforce it by collecting supporting evidence and ignoring anything that disagrees with it. Pretty quickly, they just "know" it.

Their only defense is us, their parents. But what can we do?

As always, the first thing we can do is be aware. We need to see that knowledge is a collection of beliefs, each of which can be questioned and then strengthened or eliminated to suit our needs. We also need to be aware of the kinds of information our kids are exposed to and the sources of information they trust.

Then, we need to act as a filter for our kids by restricting their access to harmful information and encouraging positive types. We must put control over what they see, hear and experience as much as we can. And we need to help them process what they "learn" by talking, explaining and prompting with questions to ensure what they remember will serve them well.

Finally, we need to help our kids develop their own filters, to treat new information with a healthy dose of skepticism, to correlate, to ask their parents and to accept or reject it based on whether it will serve them or not.

So serve and protect your kids and help them form good, useful beliefs they will call "knowledge" while they are having a great life.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Lie to Me
• TV Diet (13): Raising Aware Kids
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.

The quality of our life is measured by the quality of our questions
- Ronit Baras

Eventually, every one of my clients asks me why I have chosen my particular educational path. To me, life coaching is "teaching happiness" or "teaching personal development", I present myself as an educator during my introduction sessions and along the way, my clients become fully aware of my educational philosophy, so they ask me why I have chosen this path.

As a special education teacher, I have been taught two contradicting theories. One of them says, "The key to success in life is cognitive intelligence (IQ) - People have a set intellectual potential and our aim as educators is to teach people how to reach that potential". The other says, "The key to success in life is emotional intelligence (EQ) - People have many talents, skills and abilities and our aim as educators is to teach people how to make the most of them".

On the surface, it seems you can use both and there is no major difference between them, but for me, there was a huge difference. When I thought about my job, I realized at a very early stage that using the IQ theory will limit me, because whenever I face challenges in teaching, I might say, "Well, maybe this student has reached their full potential and there is nothing more I can do for them". When I use the EQ theory, I can always say, "There is no limit to a person's potential. Let me just try another key to unlock their ability".

I explain the differences between the theories and their effect on my own success as a teacher and life coach, all the while making it clear that this was the way I have chosen. Still, I am always asked the question

Was it really the right choice?

Good question!

I think the struggle to make the right choices is at the heart of every learning process. In life, we get so many messages and so many of them are contradictory that most of us are confused, because we ask this question

Which choice is right?

And once we have made a choice, we wonder again if it really was the right one.

Recent research about the perception of truth has found that when we hear something three times or more, we tend to accept it as truth. Scary, no? During our lifetime, we receive an enormous number of messages more than three times and therefore, we are doomed to be confused. As an example, just take competing ads for similar products, like toothpaste, hand cream or frozen peas and you will know what I mean.

"Yes, yes, I know", you say, "But which is the right choice of educational philosophy? Is it IQ or EQ? Just tell us".

Well, personally, I have made a career out of the EQ theory and I am pretty good at it. I have managed to write successful educational programs, raise many gifted children around the world, enjoy the fruits of my belief with my own children, make a difference in the lives of many families.

But I do not have the answer to this question. Do you know why?

Because it does not matter! My choices should never matter to you! The only thing that matters is what you believe. None of the theories are right or wrong, they are only limiting or empowering to each person individually.

When IQ was telling me I have hit the limit and I should give up, EQ whispered "try one more time". I like having options, so the choice of EQ was easy for me. I know many others who like certainty in life and believing they know their limits makes them choose IQ.

Change your questions, change your life
- Marilee G. Adams

Whenever something happens to you in life, whenever you have to choose a path, whenever you have to find a solution, stop looking for the right choice and ask instead

Will this limit or empower me?

Which option empowers me the most?

It is as easy as changing the question.

Welcome to your new life!
Ronit

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Shauna's mom called me very concerned. "My daughter Shauna is a wonderful, sensitive girl, but something's wrong with her", she said.

Over the years, I have learned to trust parents' gut feelings. They do not always know what might be wrong, but something makes them uncomfortable and together, we find out what it is and help their child. "Mom knows best" (or dad) is right every time.

Shauna was a 12-year-old girl who loved dancing and social interaction (kinesthetic), although her mom and dad were very academic (digital) and did not really understand why it took her so long to do her homework or why it was hard for her to concentrate on her projects.

"She is very tired, but she is always happy when she dances or hangs out with friends", her mom told me.

During the 3 sessions I had with Shauna, I did not find any learning difficulties, although there were gaps in her reading.

When I had a meeting with both her parents, I explained Shauna's communication style (kinesthetic), which means she was emotionally vulnerable in times of stress. I showed them her assessment and pointed out 3 areas of reading on the test that were low. I asked them if during the periods when these things were taught at school something happened that could have interfered with Shauna's learning.

"Something like sickness, stressful time at home or a big change", I suggested.

Shauna's mom and dad looked at each other. They could recall things that explained every one of the periods I asked about.

Then, we discussed Shauna's dad's concern about her being tired. In the next part of my report, I wrote that Shauna's energy level was low and I recommended seeing a doctor.

"She is growing and dancing many hours a week. This is why she's tired", Shauna's mom said, but I felt differently.

"It's better to go and find out everything is OK than not to go and find out too late that you should have done something to help her", I said to them, "Most problems are a lot simpler to fix if you discover them early".

I gave them a workbook to help Shauna with her spelling and instructions to close the gaps in her reading and writing.

"Please tell her Ronit said she is awesome, because she is", I told them before they left, "And ask her to send me emails". During her assessments, Shauna and I had written each other emails. I would ask her about her day and she would reply with 3-5 sentences. I told her parents that reading my emails and writing back, together with the workbook, would make a difference.

This week, about 2 months after seeing Shauna's parents, she replied to one of my emails. I bring the letter here for you to see for yourself. It is much longer than 3-5 sentences.

Two months is all she needed!

If you are a practitioner wondering whether to tell the truth or not, remember Shauna.

If you are a parent wondering whether you would like to know or not, remember Shauna.

It is much easier to fight the devil you know. Always.

Inspired parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Telling Parents the Truth (2)
• Telling Parents the Truth (1)
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.

When Amanda had her second child, she invited us to stay over for the weekend. Her older son, who was at the same age as Eden, was the most wonderful kid and we got to their place to see Eleanor, who was a 3-month-old baby. Eleanor was gorgeous and while Eden and Amanda's son went to play, we spent a wonderful weekend talking to Amanda and her husband Peter. All day long, Eleanor was either in their arms or crying. I had heard many crying babies, but I had never heard any baby cry that much. Amanda said she had been like that since she was born.

"Everyone says she just wants to be held all the time", Amanda said, "I took her to the doctor. She eats well and she gains weight, so he thinks she just wants to be held".

Peter and Amanda were not sure whether that was it. To make it easier for Peter and Amanda, who spent most of the day holding Eleanor, Gal and I held her for a long time. She was so cute and cuddly and I noticed she did not lift her head when she was lying on her stomach.

When we went to bed, I asked Gal, "Don't babies need to be able to lift their heads at 3 months?"

"Eden did", Gal said.

You see, it was a big problem comparing other kids to Eden. She did everything much, much (much) earlier than other kids did and we used to joke that she did not read any books about babies.

"Eden is not a good example", I said, but I knew inside that something was wrong with Eleanor. Just before bedtime, I played with her and she listened to me and was cute and smiled, but when I moved my head to the other side, she started crying.

"She doesn't move her head from one side to the other", I said to Gal.

At night, when we went to sleep, I thought about my promise. "Amanda and Peter invited us to spend a great weekend with them, but I can see they are miserable. Eleanor cries so much… It's none of my business… Yeah, but what if there's something wrong with her? No, Amanda won't be happy if I intervene… Of course she will. She's my friend… But she's never asked for my opinion… Besides, what if I'm wrong? Nah, how can I be wrong? Kids shouldn't cry all day… Well, maybe some of them do".

In the morning, after agonizing the whole night, I went to play with Eleanor. When I tried to move her head from one side to the other, I realized her head was shaped like an egg, with a big bulge at the top. Her neck was arched to accommodate her head. I took a towel and put it under her neck. She started smiling and followed my voice and my face. When Amanda came into the living room, she was surprised to see her baby on the carpet, happily moving her hands and legs.

"What did you do to her?" she worried.

"I put a towel under her neck. I think she's happy now", I said and showed Amanda the towel. With the towel, it was easy to see that Eleanor had a big head and that its shape made it hard for her to move it from side to side while lying down. Shortly after she was put on the floor or in her cot, she could not move her head at all anymore, so she stated crying. She looked at life from a single head position.

With the help of the towel, Eleanor played with the mobile while lying on her back all weekend long. Her parents felt strange she was not in their arms the rest of the time we were there.

Amanda took Eleanor to her doctor and showed him how well she moved with the towel and they monitored Eleanor's head development for about six months afterwards. Over time, Eleanor grew and started lifting her head and crawling.

Eleanor is now 18 and when I talk to Amanda from time to time, she reminds me of the weekend that has changed their life.

Parents need to know the truth about their kids.

Informed parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

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• TV Diet (5): Parent-Child Relationships

When I came to the preschool in Forth Worth, Texas, Melanie was already there. She attended 2 days a week, which was nothing special, because many kids did not attend full time. She was cute and had some friends, but had a puzzled look on her face most of the time, as if she did not know what was going on.

As part of my "Garden of Eden" program, which I used as the basis of the curriculum, I wrote in my book everything I did with the kids. My assistant, Jaclyn, who was a special education teacher too, was a great help in implementing the program. As usual, kids advanced so much and were so eager to come every day that parents thought I was hypnotizing them. Most of the parents were very happy when I prepared them for parent-teacher meetings and told them they would get a report. You see, none of the parents had ever gotten a report about their kids and since they were very happy with their kids' progress, they were excited about coming to meet me.

Jaclyn, who was supposed to take part in the meetings, went over the reports. When she reached Melanie's report, she came to me, looking alarmed.

"Ronit, you're not going to give this report to Melanie's mom, are you?" she asked.

"Of course I am", I said, "That's my job".

"She won't like it", she said in a worried voice.

"I'm sure it will be hard for her at first, but what do you suggest?" I did not really understand why she sounded so worried. Jaclyn stopped and thought about it.

"I think you should talk to Eileen" she said.

Realizing there was something I was missing, I went to Eileen, our school principal, and asked her to tell me why Jaclyn was so worried about showing this report to Melanie's mom. It turned out that Melanie's mom was the wealthiest parent in the school community and supported the school so much she was basically keeping it alive financially and no one wanted her to be upset.

"But Melanie has a problem", I said.

"Check again, Ronit. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe she is performing low because she is not coming every day?" Eileen suggested.

"I've checked that. I have other kids who come on the same days as Melanie and they are doing well. I think Melanie has a hearing problem", I said.

"You can't tell her that. You're not a doctor", Eileen told me.

"You're absolutely right, but I want her to see a doctor. She definitely has a hearing problem".

"Promise me you won't give her this report", she begged, "We can't take the risk of upsetting her".

"We can't take the risk of not telling her and destroying Melanie's chances in life", I said.

For two weeks, I went over my notes again and again. Melanie did not perform well whenever she was given verbal instructions. When we sang songs and used hand movements, she used to lift her hands up just a split second after all the other kids. Her speech was unclear and she sounded like her nose was runny all year long. Although I could not say exactly what the problem was, I managed, through the daily notes, to narrow it down to Melanie's auditory input. I went over all the notes with Jaclyn for a second opinion and she said, "I think you are right, Ronit, but I still don't think we can afford to tell her".

We had two difficult weeks and Eileen told me I was risking the school's future. I had been asked to bring my program to the school to stop it from closing down, so I knew the school had many financial threats. We agreed that Melanie's mom would not receive a written report, we would discuss the positive items on the report and if it was appropriate, we would gently suggest to her to see a hearing specialist.

Jaclyn came to the meeting with me and Melanie's mom came very excited. She was all smiling and happy and I said to myself, "Do I risk the school or risk the kid… It is a simple thing that can be fixed easily… She will always be a rich woman who supports the school… They will never tell her… What would I want if I was her?"

I started with the positive items (as I did with all the other kids) and Melanie's mom, just like all other parents, was very happy.

I kept thinking to myself, "If she gets angry, I will take the blame and tell her it is my personal opinion and that Jaclyn and Eileen thought I was wrong".

"There is something I've noticed that I wanted to discuss with you…" I told her.

Melanie's mom straightened herself on the chair and became quiet.

"Ronit, what are you saying?" she asked very clearly.

"I am saying that I think Melanie has hearing problems and that you should see a doctor to find out exactly what the problem is and fix it before she goes to school", I said. She was still quiet for a while. I had a feeling of relief mixed with fear, having the school's fate on my shoulders was too heavy for me – I hate politics.

"Does Melanie have an ear infection or did she have ear infections when she was younger?" I asked her.

"Don't all kids have them?" she asked.

"Not really. Having an ear infection once or twice isn't an issue, but when there's an infection three times in one year, it needs to be checked", I said.

"I don't believe it. I don't believe it", she kept saying to herself, "Melanie has had ear infections for a whole year since she was born. She's had them maybe 8-10 times in one year". Then, as if the realization hit her, she added quietly, "She still has many ear infections".

"Ear infections can seriously interfere with kids' language development", I said to her, my heart pumping, "If this is the case, it is better to fix it now than to drag it for years".

"My twin brother has a hearing aid. Why didn't I think about it?" she said. I think she was not talking to us. She was reorganizing her internal world with the new information I had given her.

"I told my husband something is wrong because I have to repeat myself several times before she understands what I tell her", she said.

"Well, you should trust your gut feelings. Parents usually know when something is not right with their kids. It's better to check and let the doctor tell you everything is right than discover too late there was something we could have done to fix it".

"She sits in front of the TV and turns the volume up so high", Melanie's mom said, "Everything all makes sense now. Thank you! Thank you Ronit!" she said and gave me a big hug.

That afternoon, Eileen came to the meeting room smiling and suggested I give her Melanie's mom a report.

I worked at that school for another 6 months. Melanie went through surgery to install plugs in her ears and clear the fluid that interfered with her hearing. Her mom followed every recommendation on my report and gave the school money for every project I ran.

Even after I left the school and left the USA, Melanie's mom used to send me a gift for my birthday. The school stayed open for another 9 years after I left.

Taking this risk happened to work for me. Would what you do?

Ronit

You may want to read

• Telling Parents the Truth (1)
• Telling Parents the Truth (4)
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.

I remember debating the issue of reporting disclosure in my special education studies. We talked about it in classes, in group therapies and in forums and we were asked about it in exams. This was the dilemma between the risk of labeling and the risk of allowing a problem to grow and making it even harder to fix.

This may be hard for you to believe (I know it was hard for me), but I once worked with a kid in Grade 6 who had severe behavioral problems and who could not read single-vowel words like "Cat". When I investigated the issue, I discovered that Caleb's mom raised him by herself and had mental difficulties caused by trauma. She kept him at home for months to avoid being alone and in the first years of school, he had missed school so much he never managed to catch up.

I met Caleb's mom several times and her desire to help her son was sincere. Being in a better place after years of medication and support, she put a lot of effort into bringing him to the sessions with me, which took place at school, and making sure Caleb brought his workbooks and did his homework.

One day, Caleb's mom came to me and asked me about his high school options. She asked me if I could prepare him for application to a high school that boasted a high academic level. I was very surprised and asked her what she thought he needed in order to enter that school.

"They have a test that takes about 5 hours", she said and I realized she was not aware of Caleb's low abilities.

As a special education consultant to Caleb's primary school, I was concerned about the messages she had received.

"And how do you think he will do on the test?" I asked her.

"I understand he has some challenges and I hoped you could help him prepare for the test next month".

I was puzzled. I had hundreds of questions in my head that I had no idea how to answer. My thoughts raced at full speed.

"He can't even read single words. How can he pass this test? … I've worked with him for 3 months now and my assessment shows he's reading at Grade 1 level ... Why is his mom is not aware of his difficulties? … Can I work miracles in a month? … Maybe the school never said anything? … Maybe the school did, but she didn't want to hear it? … If I tell her now, it may be devastating for her… But if I say nothing, it will be dishonest… Will I get in trouble with the school? … There must be something I don't understand here… How can parents help if they don't know their child has a problem? … If she doesn't know he can't even read well enough to follow instructions, she might put pressure on him that will make it worse… No wonder Caleb had behavior problems. He sits in class all day and has no idea what is written on the board and on his worksheets. That's why he never does his homework…

I asked Caleb's mom to come into my room.

"I want to show you what Caleb is studying with me", I said. I opened my assessment report (which I was not allowed to give her) and showed her some of his assessment sheets.

"This is Caleb's level when he started seeing me. He didn't know all of the sounds, he didn't understand the vowels and he had challenges writing some of them", I told her.

"Yes, I know he is not that good with his reading and writing", she said.

I went to the shelf and brought a Grade 6 workbook, flipped the pages and said, "Look, Caleb cannot read this… or this… or this… or this…"

His mom looked at me and asked, "Can he read Grade 5 workbooks?"

I said, "No".

"Can he read Grade 4 stuff?" and without waiting for my answer, she continued, "Grade 3? Grade 2?"

"No, he can't. After 3 months of work, Caleb is reading single words with 3 letters and 1 vowel", I told her.

Her face fell and she sat in the chair and was quiet for a while. "Then how can he read what the teacher writes on the board?" she asked.

"He can't" I said.

"He will never be able to pass this test in a month", she said to herself sadly. I knew if I added any more information it would only make her feel worse.

"Why didn't they tell me it was that serious?" she started crying, "Every year, at the end of the year, I would go to the teacher for a parent-teacher conference and she would say, "He has some problems, but he will grow out of them".

"I believe you", I said.

I had also asked Caleb's teachers and the school's principal about him and they had told me the same thing, "He had some reading challenges, but mainly behavior problems and we hope you can help him manage his behavior. Not all kids do well academically and he'll grow out of it". When I had protested, told them about his severe reading problem and asked why his mother had not been told, they had said, "She doesn’t care anyway".

"He is missing 5 to 6 years of school, isn't he?" Caleb's mom wept. I nodded. "I should have known" she said to herself.

"I agree, but you didn't and we cannot roll back time. We need to focus on what we can do now to help Caleb", I told her.

I worked with Caleb for 6 more months (one hour a week) and he was able to read small paragraphs of 6 sentences, albeit very slowly.

His mother registered him to a trade school to study carpentry with special education support to continue his basic reading and basic math. He was happier than ever.

Caleb should be over 20 years old now and wherever he is, I keep telling myself, "His mother should have known earlier".

Here are a couple of earlier posts with some good ideas on taking responsibility for your child's schooling and keeping informed and "plugged in":

• How to take responsibility for your child's schooling (and why)
• How to get the teacher's help so that your child will do better

You may want to read

• Telling Parents the Truth (2)
• Telling Parents the Truth (4)
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.