As in previous chapters, here are 5 things teens think and feel that scare them and make them act weird, and what you can do about them. I hope it will help you find alternative ways to address the issues and prevent them from keeping those thoughts any longer.

My parents are cruel and weak

"I think my parents are cruel. They hate me. They scream, shout and always tell me I'm wrong. They brought me into the world to torture me. They are weak. How can I trust them when I need help if they are so weak?"

What parents can do

When children are upset, they may think that you are behaving the way you do with the ultimate purpose of hurting them. Many parents mistake discipline for power when in fact, abusing your power and yelling, shouting or telling kids they are wrong are signs of weakness and may cause your children, especially teenagers, not to trust you to support them when they need help. This is because using pressure and force is all about you, not them.

The best way to prevent this is to start very early and examine the use of your power. If you control the family's money and use it to threaten your children or bribe them, you are likely to be perceived as cruel. If you control many aspects of your kids' life and use that control to force them to do things they do not want do, your actions, although you may have all the justification for them, will not translate into motivation but into resentment and anger.

Having clear rules and having responsibility as a parent does not give you the right to force your kids. When a teacher shouts and yells in class, the kids are convinced the teacher is weak and easy to set off. The smart kids will trigger this in an instant by "stepping" on the teacher's emotional "toes". Teenagers are the smartest kids in the house, so when they find out their parents are not all that powerful, they trigger your fear and frustration in no time.

Confident parents do not fall into this trap. They are artists of motivation and do everything to trigger internal motivation in their kids. When they become teenagers, they will have the good sense to do the right things for themselves. It does not mean these parents have no conflicts with their teens, but they treat their kids with respect during conflicts and everybody wins.

Do not threat, do not bribe, do not set conditions, like "I will give you this if you succeed at school". Do not shout and yell. Find your core of strength, stay calm and show respect to keep your teens free from anxiety and confident they can trust you.

Leave me alone!

"I need privacy. I don't want anyone getting into my room. I need a locker on my things. I hate the idea of my brother or my parents searching my things. I wish I had a place of my own."

What parents can do

During the teen years, when the body changes so much, children require more privacy not only to explore their sexuality but also to have the time to think without disruption and to separate themselves from their family. This separation is very healthy and important. It does not mean they will leave home tomorrow, but they are practicing being on their own, while the family is still around.

For teens never to think like that, their family must have some privacy rules and they must be taught very early, so that by the time children reach adolescence, they can be certain no one will look at their personal things or enter their room when it is inappropriate.

If a child expresses a need for a private room, try to arrange a private room. It is not always possible, but even a balcony with a divider is better than nothing. Gal's parents arranged a room for Gal's sister when she was 15 years old in the laundry room. She was the happiest teenage girl ever.

I wanted to have my own room all my life. At the age of 16, when my sister left home, I finally had my private room. My younger sisters and I were in such a great relationship at that stage, I stayed with them in their room, which was bigger, until late at night and we did not want to go to sleep so we would not have to say goodbye to each other for the night. I was hardly ever in my own room.

Therefore, it is best to listen to your kids and not assume that they need a private room. Gal and I wanted a private room for each of our children, but they find any excuse they can to "sleep over" in each other's rooms. Tsoof and Noff share a room and feel lonely going to sleep without the other one.

Some parents do not like the idea of locking for safety reasons. Regardless, teach your kids to knock and wait for permission to enter and be a role model. Never enter your kids' (especially teenagers') room without knocking and waiting for permission.

Also, do not go through their things and be very strict about all your children's private things. When one child touches the other one's private thing, be very clear that "we do not touch other people's private things". Again, this is about respect and trust.

You're not the boss of me!

"They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me when to go to sleep or when to come back from a party. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. What do they know about being a teenager today anyway?"

What parents can do

Parents are in charge of the family, but they can be bosses or leaders. The difference for teens is that bosses give orders and do not care about their employees' thoughts and feelings, while leaders set an example and take into consideration everyone's internal motivations and wellbeing. A boss is afraid employees' might find he is not all knowing and a leader knows he is not all knowing and asks his employees' opinions, feelings and support.

Parent from strength and not from weakness. When you are using force, you are weak. Set rules, but be flexible with rules and not too strict about them. When you are unreasonably strict, it is a sign that you are afraid of losing your power if your kids do not follow your rules 100%. It is OK to come late from time to time. You come late from time to time and you survive your own little slip-ups.

Make sure you ask your teens for their opinion, thoughts and feelings. Respect them and tell them you were once a teenager too and you accept that times have changed, because they have, and what was acceptable 25-35 years ago is not acceptable today and vice versa.

Allow your children to have their own feelings and thoughts, They are not extensions of you. If you want them to be little copies of you, it is a sign you are looking to reinforce yourself. Your kids should grow up to be better than you are. Duplicating you will only keep them behind their generation.

My money, my life

"I want to have my own money and to buy my own things. I hate it when my parents tell me what to buy. It's my right to choose my own clothes, make-up and stuff. They're so old they just don't understand anything about fashion."

What parents can do

"Money and teens" is a big issue. While a 9-year-old will manage if you have financial issues, teens find it harder to be seen in public during their parents' financial struggles. Many parents believe that the solution to all their struggles is having lots of money and giving their kids everything they want, but I do not agree with this.

I have always had enough money, but I did not give my kids everything they wanted. I grew up in a house that did not have a lot of money. In fact, I grew up in a very poor family and I do not think I understood what my parents had to go through in order to provide for us. Kids should know! It may not be appropriate to tell them all the details of your financial struggles, but being open and honest about it can help greatly in changing their beliefs about money and about you.

Being dependent on parents for money is not fun. Admit it! It was not fun when you had to ask your parents for money. I do not think this can be avoided completely, but there are ways of giving kids (especially teens) some freedom with money.

I used pocket money as soon as my kids could count (about 3 years old) and the rule in our family is that parents buy the things we need - clothes, school uniforms, shoes, food and groceries - and our kids can do whatever they want with their pocket money. Kids must learn to spend money and they can only do it when they are free to make mistakes. If they use all their money at once on something, they learn the hard way that money does not grow on trees.

Having the money does not give you the right to determine what they will wear. Yes, there are limits, but you are not likely to share their taste and their fashion sense, no matter how much money you have. You can say how much money you are willing to give, you can insist on going shopping with them, you can insist on not buying torn or low-quality clothes, but do not get into fashion arguments. You are about 30 years behind the current teen fashion, so let go! If you insist, they will wear whatever they want as soon as they leave home anyway. Any control you may have now is only temporary, so do not use your money to control them.

Help your teenagers get a part-time job regardless of how wealthy or poor you are and teach them money management. Guide your teenagers gently through making purchasing decisions. Teach, but do not preach!

Everybody has one

"I must have that pair of sneakers/smartphone/game console or I will have no friends and everyone will laugh at me and treat me like an outsider. I can't show my face at a party with this old piece of mobile phone junk. Everyone has Internet connections and unlimited calls and text. Why do I have to be different?"

What parents can do

Being accepted and being cool are the most important things for teenagers. They are just as important for parents of teenagers or they would not get new cars, bigger houses and more impressive job titles. Wanting to be accepted is a high need and it hits its peak during adolescence. If you think it must be painful, you are wrong! There is a great way to make sure your kids never think this way and when it comes up in arguments, there is a great way to reply to it.

Teach your kids that they are special without gadgets. Help them define their identity and keep telling them "Be special. Be yourself". Being unique and independent is a blessing, while continually measuring themselves against others robs them of their freedom.

Noff has no mobile phone, Tsoof does not have a smartphone and my kids do not have never a game console or any other trendy gadget, mainly because they do not need them. When there is a need, we examine it and buy what is suitable and not what is best advertised. We teach our kids that status symbols are a way to pressure us into doing things we would not do otherwise and that many of those things waste our time and our mind.

The latest sneakers are not a need. Basic healthy food is a need. Sleep is a need. Drinking water is a need. Shelter is a need. Clean clothes are a need. Human company is a need. Do not let your teens use the word "need" inappropriately. Teach your kids to focus on what they have and not on what they lack. In fact, you should start when they are 5 years old.

If we do get into an argument and my kids say, "Why do I have to be different?" I answer, "You are different no matter how many gadgets you have. You have lived in different places around the world, you are talented, your mom and dad are still together, you speak two languages, you love your siblings, you are smart, you are friendly, you are sensitive, you love to learn, you are successful - you are different. We have spent a lot of energy to make you different and that's the way we like it". I think they understand.

It may also help to take an honest look at your own buying habits and consider the example you are setting. Actions speak louder than words, especially with teenagers.

Join me next week for the 5 last thoughts teenagers have that make their life hard and create lots of conflicts with their parents, along with what you can do to prevent them from thinking that way and how to eliminate those thoughts if they come up.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

I must be adopted

"Maybe I was adopted. That explains the way they treat me. I've heard them saying I looked like Mom, but I look at my photos as a baby and I don't look like either one of my parents or even like myself today. They could have adopted me when I was just a baby. That makes sense. I think this is why they love my brother more than they love me."

What parents can do

Every child has this horrible thought at some stage. It is very natural to question your parents' behavior as that of adoptive parents. There is no real way to prevent this thought from getting into kids' mind, but there are good ways to make sure it will go away quickly, before it creates any damage.

Talk to your kids about their birth and talk about it a lot. Kids ask question about their pregnancy and birth to check if all the stories match. If Mom tells one story and Dad tells another one about the same birth, that will be odd, but if they tell the stories over and over and everything matches, they must be true!

Teenagers ask other family members about their birth to find out if someone has a different version of the story. As they grow up, they become more sophisticated with their questions and look for more contradictions. If Grandma says you were overseas just before the birth, it will make them question it. If you show them their photos of you (your partner) pregnant, their birth certificate and photos of you holding them in your arms as a newborn baby, that will help them accept that they are truly your child and not adopted.

Video is an exceptional way to prove your biological connection, because it combines the audio of using their name with the pictures of people they know and emotions that can help them feel loved and get past their doubts.

It's all on me now

"When we play cards, I beat Mom easily. I think I'm much better than she is at this game. I know more tricks than she does. Parents should know more than their kids do. If not, how can she take care of me? I need to take care of myself from now on."

What parents can do

Similar to the thought that parents do not always know things, it is very scary for kids to realize that their parents are not that skilled at everything. I remember the first time it happened to me. I was 15 years old and I went to the lake with my family. I left my watch next to our bags and went into the lake. When I came back, I could not find my watch, but I was convinced my parents would find it. They always had, so I had no doubt they would. I searched for it with them without any worry. When the time came to leave, my dad (who was very upset with me) said, "It's gone. We can't find it. We must leave now", and I thought he was joking. It was a very expensive watch and a gift for my birthday. Even when we had packed all our things in the car, I was convinced they would find my watch at home, but they did not. I was very sad for losing my watch and for a long time, I said to myself, "But they always find things. What happened this time?" I thought it was parents' special skill and was devastated to find out it was not.

To avoid this situation, ask for your kids' help and say, "You are better than me with this. Can you please help me do it?" When you talk about skills, talk about you and your partner as having different skills to show your kids that becoming a parent does not make you skilled at everything. Say, "Mom is much better than me at remembering things like that" or "Dad is very good at cooking this dish".

When your teen expects you to do something you cannot do, you can address their feeling directly, show empathy and help them relax and find another solution.

I'm growing old

"I looked at my mom this morning and saw she was not as pretty as she was when she was young. What will happen to me when I grow old? I don't want to lose my hair like Dad or become fat and wrinkled. How can I stop growing old?"

What parents can do

As kids grow, they become more aware of the way their parents look and the "right" look depends greatly on generation and age differences. When I look at my photos as a teenager or a young mother, I look funny in the clothes, the hairstyle and the glasses that were popular back then, but now seem old-fashioned.

Do not defend the old style by talking badly about the new generation. It is a sign you are not accepting change and it will make it harder for you to teach your kids to accept change. I remember my dad saying that the music we listened to was loud and screaming and that there was no value in it, but I listened to Julio Iglesias and Barbara Streisand singing with the Bee Gees and they sang soft songs about love.

Talk to your kids about fashion and about different generations. Talk to them about growing up, growing old and growing wiser to help them appreciate the inside and not only the outside.

Take a photo of them every year from birth to show them that they have changed too and that the fashion was different when they were kids.

I run workshops for student leaders at schools and senior citizens and both "sides" find the experience heartwarming and enriching. Encourage your teens to spend time with old people (grandparents are best) and take an interest in their story.

Fear of being old is a very legitimate fear and everyone has some versions of it. Kids experience the thought and your attitude will determine if this thought will stay or disappear.

I wish I could change the past

"I regret so many things. I wish I could back in time and change some things. Maybe my life wouldn't be so hard if we had lots of money or Mom wasn't sick or Dad didn't work so many hours."

What parents can do

Kids are born with a very weak concept of time. I know many adults that still have a very poor ability to understand, or manage time, as a result. When things are hard, kids (and people in general) search for easy, magical solutions to their problems. A time machine crosses everyone's mind and can be used as a fun way to talk about dreams and wishes.

If your teen shows lots of regrets and a desire to change the past, it is a sign they have an unfinished business that needs to be sorted. Kids take lots of blame on themselves when there is a family problem. This is why divorce always triggers in kids the thoughts "What have I done to make them divorce?" and "What can I do to bring them back together?" Even adults whose parents are divorced still often think that way.

Kids that live it the time machine dream have not learned from their parents to let go. This is often because their parents do not know how to let go themselves. They blame others for their problems, they have lots of guilt feelings and regrets and they use the guilt trip on others as a way to ease their own burden.

It is very important to understand that we cannot turn back time. That is life. A second that passes cannot be repeated and kids can learn this from a very early stage. Even a 6-year-old can learn that once things are done, they cannot be undone and we can only do things differently next time.

Teach your kids to focus on what they can change and let go of things they cannot change. There is no point regretting not talking your umbrella today, because you are not a fortuneteller. At every point in time, we make decisions based on the information we have and on who we are and we pick the option that seems most appropriate at that moment. Yes, we may find it was not the best option later on, but we cannot turn the clock backward to change our previous decisions. The clock only moves forward and our feelings about it do not really change its ticking.

I hate housekeeping

"I hate cleaning my room. I wish someone else did it for me. I wish I had a robot doing everything I asked it."

What parents can do

Asking for someone (or something) else to clean your room and serve you is a sign your teenager feels overwhelmed and that the tasks is making life too heavy.

I hated cleaning too and I think it is strongly connected to the way my mom treated cleaning in our house. We were five kids, so we obviously had to take turns, but she was so fussy about doing things in what she considered "the right way" that we hated these jobs. After washing the floor, she would point out the places that were not spotless. While washing the dishes, she would stand over our shoulder and say, "You need to wash this first", instead of focusing on doing what we can to keep our dishes clean for the sake of our health.

The reason I say it was my mom's fault was that at the age of 14, my younger sisters and I had a good discussion about this, in which we realized we all hated doing chores by ourselves and decided to do them together. So instead of each of us doing something different, we washed the dishes together, washed the floor together and cleaned each room together. After a short time, cleaning became great fun. We did not complain and we did not mind how long it took, because we loved being together. During that time, our house was very clean and tidy and my mom did not control us anymore. We had full control over how to do things. She could tell us what needed to be done, but she could not tell us who should do what or how to do things and we loved every second of it. Even now, cleaning the house on my own is not fun at all, but cleaning with Gal and/or the kids is much more fun.

Housework is part of life, not a form of punishment. Do not give rewards for cleaning or punishments for not cleaning ("You are grounded" or "You can go to the party only when your room is clean"). Try doing things together. From time to time, clean their room and instead of asking them to "pay" for it, think of it as an opportunity to be a role model.

Also, avoid asking them to do things on their own and involve them in scheduling their own chores.

Join me next week for 5 more thoughts teenagers have and explanations of how each thought is formed and what you can do to help your teenagers change it.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• More Control – Less Power

In the past, people thought that teens' behavior during the teenage years was directly connected to physical changes they start to experience at the age of 12, which makes them feel strange with their body changes and confuses them.

Today, the approach is that adolescence is a more gradual process that starts with the first time children want to try doing things on their own, sometime as early as the age of 3.

If teenagers seem confused to you, it is mainly because they have reached a point in their life when they need to define who they are, what they think, what they like or hate, what their beliefs are and what they wants to be later on in life. These thoughts are tough. I know many adults who have not reached that self-definition yet, so this is not easy for a 12-year-old to do, although they are expected to have some clue about it.

One of the problems parents have with their kids is that they do not really understand what is so confusing about life. It is mainly because they forgot their thoughts and feelings during that time in their own life. Some parents have erased these thoughts when they no longer had to deal with them. Some consider their own teen behavior as criticism towards their parents and avoid dealing with it. Only the brave parents keep these memories to make sure they will not repeat their parents' "mistakes".

Around the age of 10, beliefs that were part of children's identity are shattered and they need to put the pieces together to survive emotionally. Kids with high emotional intelligence can do that, but most cannot, so they have to ask for help from those who unintentionally create the problem - their parents or their teachers.

This series will give you a sneak peek into teens' confused brain and help you understand why it is so hard do be a teenager. I still remember my adolescence, I am raising my second teen, the third one is reaching puberty soon and I have worked with lots of teenagers in the last 25 years, so this list is quite reliable.

Following each belief and confusing thought, there is a section explaining the source of the belief and showing what parents can do to help their teenagers change that thought or belief and go through a healthy maturing process.

Schools is not for me

"I have realized that I go to school because my parents want me to go there to prepare me for life. But it is not preparing me for life. Who needs to know the square root of a number by heart? Who needs to find an angle in a triangle? School is a prison and my parents just send me to prison ever day. I can't trust them to make decisions that are good for me."

What parents can do

It is very important throughout your kids' school life not to repeat this mantra to children and to be honest about the reasons they go to school. Kids go to school because parents cannot teach them by themselves or do not want to do it.

Some of what happens at school is great, some is boring and some is not about preparing kids for life. When talking to your child about it, admit that you understand some of it is just a waste of time and help your kids focus on the good that can still come out of going to school.

All my kids have always gone to school for the breaks, for the fun days and for the extracurricular activities (band, dance, sport, etc). Still, they are all very good students. When they complained about school, we said, "You're right, this is a waste of time", "Yeah, I used to hate it too" or "I agree, you will probably never need that after school".

Allow your teens to hate parts of their schooling and they will not blame you for sending them to prison. Help them see the good parts of school too. Positive focus and honesty are two of the best ways to prepare them for life.

Don't tell me what to do

"My parents humiliate me and make me do things I hate doing. How would they feel if I told them to go to bed early or clean the house? I'm not their slave. What if someone grounded them for a week every time they didn't do the right thing? They don't love me. I hate them."

What parents can do

A teenager thinking like this is being controlled by his parents. There is usually a good reason for them to think like that, so check your parenting style. Are you parenting from fear of losing control or are you parenting with confidence?

Teenagers who feel controlled by their parents do not understand that parents and children are not equal and that parenting comes with responsibility. Usually, this is a sign that the home is parent-centered and that is not comfortable for the child. Although no home should be completely child-centered, there is a place in between where parents set a good example for helping and they expect things from their kids that they also expect from themselves.

If you are angry with your child for not clearing the table after a meal while you are in another room watching TV, the child will resent you and question your leadership. Be a role model and remember that the need for control is seen by teenagers as a sign of weakness (which is an accurate observation).

I hate my brother/sister

"My big sister is my greatest enemy. She has way more rights than me. She shouts, she take things away from me, she hits me and because she is stronger, she cheats, but Mom and Dad do nothing about it. They love her more than they love me. I hate her and I hate them."

What parents can do

A home cannot be a jungle where kids need to survive. It needs to be a place of comfort and not a place of fear. When there are conflicts between siblings, parents are not kings and queens that rule the house. They are those who make justice.

Sibling rivalry is a sign that the family rules are not clear, which leaves room for power struggles.

Preferring one child over another because of age ("He's young, give him what he wants" or "He's the eldest, so he has rights"), because of ability ("Shhh, we want to hear her sing"), because of disability ("He can't do it, just help him") or because of gender ("He's a boy, so he can go out and nothing will happen to him, but you're a girl, so going to a party is much more dangerous for you") is a form of discrimination. It sends the message that the rules are not stable - they can change.

This is scary situation, because not everyone understands what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries are. Only the parents can solve it, so make sure the rules are fair and clear!

Will she like me too?

"Suddenly, when I stand next to a girl, I feel different. I blush and my heart starts beating fast. I think I sweat too much around girls. I think I like her, but I can't say anything to anyone. What if she doesn't like me in return? My friends will make fun of me. I'm afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I'm also afraid someone else might ask her and she'll say 'yes'. It'll be devastating if it happens."

What parents can do

Teaching kids about the natural physical and emotional changes can help greatly in situations like this. Treating this period in life as a normal and healthy period can make life much easier for teenagers.

Ask your daughter when she wants to go together to get her first bra before she asks for it. Tell her about what to expect when she gets her period before she comes to you in panic after hearing the other girls talk. Teach your son how to shave. Celebrate hair in new places and changes in the voice.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about these things, get someone else you trust to do it. It is better if they hear it from you or from someone you trust than from other kids who have lots of fear and misunderstanding about these changes. Remember, when you avoid talking about puberty and sexual development, you make your teens think there is something wrong or dirty about it.

Talk to your teenagers about your first love to help them understand it is natural. Talk to them about disappointment and love you did not get in return to help them understand that the adults in their life have experienced these things and survived.

The topic of peer pressure is something that needs to be addressed from a very early stage of your child's schooling. What others think about you is theirs and it is not healthy to let them pressure you to do or not do things. It is important for kids to gain confidence and trust themselves and their own judgment and every time they are subject to peer pressure, they shrink their own judgment and become weaker.

Parents don't know everything

"I think dad is not as smart as he says he is. Last week, when I talked to him about something, he talked as if he knew everything, but I knew he didn't, because we'd learned about it at school. Maybe there are many things he doesn't know and he only talks about them in this "I'm smart and I know everything" tone. How can I trust him?"

What parents can do

Some parents talk in a way that seems very confident to their kids, as if they know everything. Parents like to be in this position and when it changes, they feel a bit helpless and try to maintain their know-it-all image for fear that kids' knowing more than them creates a risky relationship.

It is very natural for kids growing up in this generation to get to a stage when they know more than their parents do. All my kids have had musical training and I have had none. There is no point pretending I know as much as they do after 8-10 years of learning and practicing. My kids grew up in an English-speaking environment and English is a native language to them. Sometimes, when I look for a word, I ask them. It is better to admit they know more when they do. It does not reduce or weaken me in any way. It only helps them consider me as human and trust me, which makes their teen years easier.

To prevent your teens from feeling they cannot trust you, be honest even when they are younger. If they ask you something you do not know, say simply, "I don't know". If there is anything they can do better then you, ask for their help. It is better for them to realize there are things you do not know from as early as possible. It saves them this very common shock later and strengthens your bond with them.

Join me next week for another sneak peek into teens' mindset and ways for you to understand and help them change their thoughts in a positive way.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

From the parents' perspective, "Me too" can be very annoying, because kids sometimes ask for really inappropriate things, but for children learn about the world by observing and mimicking others, so there is nothing more natural and healthy than wanting what the others have or trying to do what the others are doing.

In our family, 10-year-old Noff is much younger than Tsoof (16) and Eden (23), so when she wants something they have, they used to get upset, until they got used to it.

When she was little, we often tried to respect her choice of food, so we asked her what she wanted to eat, gave her some options and helped her prepare the food she liked. But often, when she sat at the table, she saw that Eden had something else to eat and seemed to be enjoying it very much. Noff would promptly forget she ever wanted anything else and ask Eden to share.

"Eden, can I have some mango too", she would say.

"But you said you wanted cereal", Eden would complain, "I brought enough mango for me, because you wanted something else".

"Yes, but now I want mango too", Noff explained, as if that was the most obvious an innocent thing in the world. And for her, it was.

For kids, the appeal of things and activities is related more to the people who have them or do them than to what they are. Without the benefit of experience, they do not have enough knowledge or perspective to decide what they may or may not enjoy in the future, so their best bet is to go with the choices of those they trust, like their parents, older siblings and friends.

Ronit and I learned this over the years, so by the time Noff came around, we started using it to our advantage (and hers, of course). At the start of the year, when Noff picked her afternoon activities, we would ask her, "Who else is doing this?" If any of her close friends signed up for an activity she liked, she was going to enjoy it for sure, but if she wanted to sign up for something weird, that question would quickly bring up the real reason and help Noff give up without a fight.

Sometimes, "Me too" works really well, too. A couple of years ago, Noff's best friend Paige learned ice-skating every Thursday afternoon. Her mother said she could take Noff from school, drive the girls to their ice-skating class, then back to Paige's house, and we could pick her up from there. This was great for us, but we were unsure as to Noff's reasons, so we agreed to try for one term and then rethink it.

Initially, Noff's main focus was on spending as much time as she could with Paige. Since Paige had been skating for a while, Noff started in a lower group and they could only skate together during the "free skating time" in-between lessons. But this drove Noff to make a big effort to catch up, which she eventually did.

After almost a year, Paige decided to stop, but by then, Noff had turned ice-skating into her own thing and wanted to keep going. She desperately looked for someone who could take her to lessons and keep her company, until one day, she saw an ad for a free trial day and convinced Eden to give it a go.

Eden tried and said, "Me too". They have been getting up early every Saturday morning for a year, going together to Ice Skating, coming back full of stories and looking for more opportunities to skate.

As you can see, kids' mimicry can help them experience more in life and propel them forward. But what happens when a child's role models all go through something rather negative, like getting glasses?

This happened to us recently. In the past few years, I have gotten a few pairs of glasses, but in the past few months, Ronit had her eyes checked and got new glasses, Eden complained about poor vision, had her eyes checked and got new glasses, and Tsoof went for his annual checkup and ... got new glasses.

As if that was not enough, Eden started reading Harry Potter with Noff every evening. We all love to read and Noff seemed apprehensive of long books with no pictures, so this was a great way to ease her into reading them. Every evening, they sit side-by-side, eyes bright, and read the book.

And guess what: Harry Potter wears glasses too!

Noff could not take it anymore. She was being left way behind the family. Something just had to be done, but what?

She grabbed a pair of 3D cinema glasses, took out the lenses and put them on proudly. She walked around the house smugly, posing and beaming at anyone who would look at her, and even took some pictures of herself.

In fact, she was so excited about her clever way to experience glasses without having bad eyes that the following day, she took them to school with her. Although she did not wear them in class (that must have felt a bit too stupid), she did put them on during the musical rehearsal in the afternoon and said everyone thought she looked cool.

That lasted all of 2 days, but Noff gained a lot of experience from it and put to rest her feeling of being left out. At some point, she had satisfied the "Me too" urge, put the glasses down and went about her business.

Ah, the fun of raising children.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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While growing up, however, I found out this was not the case with everyone. There were many situations in which I knew the truth and witnessed people denying it or acting as if the opposite was the case.

When I talked to my mom about it, she told me, "Sometimes, people don't exactly lie, but they tell a 'white lie' to avoid complications or embarrassment". The world, it turned out, was not a courtroom drama, where it was "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

When I decommissioned one of our computers, which had Microsoft Office on it, I wanted to activate that same license on a new computer. When the online activation failed, I rang Microsoft and asked for their help.

"Have you uninstalled the software from your old computer?" the support person asked.

"No", I said, "That computer is no longer in use".

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you have to uninstall the software".

"Does that deactivate the license at your end?"

"No. So have you uninstalled it, Sir?"

I kept trying to explain the real situation a few times, after which the connection was suddenly cut off. I rang again and had a similarly frustrating conversation with another person, who also hung up on me.

I was furious!

Then I realized what was happening. I asked Eden to ring and inform them that the software has been successfully uninstalled. They activated the new installation in seconds.

So lies have been institutionalized and you cannot get very far without them anymore.

Some time ago, I attended what I thought would be a series of presentations on building great websites, but turned out to be a series of presentations on various topics, including personal philosophy, business, training and other things. One particular presentation was called "Do not lie" and it made me revisit the issue of living honestly from an adult and even a parent perspective.

Here is this 5-minute talk for your enjoyment. The speaker is from Austria, but the talk is in Australia, hence the funny references. I think the common image of German speakers being very direct and straight about everything also helps in delivering his messages.

Let's survey the room. Please raise your hand if you have even

1. Faked a headache
2. "Lost" your homework
3. "Had to be somewhere else" when you were asked to help or attend an event
4. Conveniently forgot about times when you were fired and glorified your professional achievements on a resume
5. Told someone how good they looked (or their work), but did not think so
6. Agreed to another person's political, philosophical or social comment just to make a good impression
7. Pretended to be someone else online or on the phone
8. Said everything was great when things were pretty chaotic in your life
9. Told your kids there is a tooth fairy
10. Used "chewing gum and sticky tape" to keep a product looking good during a presentation, because it was not ready yet for a real test

The truth?! You can't handle the truth!

As Patrick Klug says, lies are often used as a "social lubricant", a way to keep things smooth and avoid confrontation. But why would there be any friction in the first place if we were honest?

I believe the answer is related to our self-confidence.

You see, our view of the world makes us believe that other people are just like us. That way, when we are tired and feel like sleeping, instead of, um, doing "other things", we fear that our partner might feel rejected, because we would feel that way in their place. So we tell them we have a headache or provide some other explanation that would make us feel better.

If our parents cannot help with our homework, cannot afford our study materials or need us to help in the afternoons, we prefer to say our homework was lost, after we presumably did it, instead of sharing our family situation with our teacher and our classmates. Lacking confidence, we need their appreciation and acceptance more than we want their sympathy or their help.

So we go through life assuming other people "can't handle the truth" because we would not be able to handle it in their place.

Why be honest?

Basically, lying is too heavy to carry. When you lie, you sometimes have to continue weaving your false story later. This means that you have to keep track of your lies and that you stress over the risk of being discovered.

I have been through countless situations where people have told something other than the truth and it came to bite them later. As a very detail-oriented person, I can pick inconsistencies in a flash, and I am offended when I find that someone has lied to me. Unless you can be sure everybody will remain ignorant about the truth, you can lie safely, but how can you every be sure?

So lying is stressful.

Lying also influences your view of the world. When you lie about something over time, your version starts sounding like the truth to you. When you lie, you also always know that you are lying, which drops your self-esteem a little. If you lie enough, you may even start labeling yourself as a liar, and that is likely to prevent you from ever appreciating yourself fully.

So lying damages your self-esteem.

How to be honest

Being honest all the time and telling the truth about everything is not realistic. Kids, for example, cannot understand everything simply because they are too young and embellishing or watering down what we tell them may help them cope better than telling them brutal facts.

But we should all aspire to tell the truth as much as we can and make a conscious choice to be honest even in situations where it is not easiest. As long as our aim is to keep a good relationship and not to hurt anyone, honesty is generally a good idea.

So how to be honest? You can do it in a few steps, which are neither simple nor easy, but if you keep taking them, many things in your life will improve and you will start being honest as a matter of course.

1. Recognize all your feelings, including the bad ones. We are often so preoccupied with positivity, we forget that fear, sadness and anger are natural and that ignoring or suppressing them only makes them worse. Being afraid does not make you weak, it just makes you human. Recognizing and facing your fear is the best way to be free of it. Feelings of grief and loss appear in everybody's life and hurt a lot. Be aware of your feelings and give yourself time to recover.
2. Feel comfortable with yourself. Accept yourself the way you are right now. Stand alone in front of a big mirror, relax and look yourself over from head to toe. Notice when you are critical of one of your features and learn to accept it instead. Do this 5 minutes a day for a week. Then, start smiling at yourself for 5 minutes a day over a week.
3. When other people do or say things around you, recognize they are not doing or saying those things to you but for themselves. Look them over from head to toe and try to accept them too. Catch yourself when you start to feel defensive in other people's presence, take a couple of deep breaths and reframe what happens from the other person's point of view.
4. Make a list of situations in which you are dishonest. Notice the stress associated with each situation and discover what you really feel about it. Use your new acceptance of yourself and your new ability to interpret other people's behavior to find more honest ways to handle these stressful situations. This should help you relax greatly.

As your self-acceptance and self-confidence grow, you will be able to be gentle without lying, and that will increase your self-esteem even further. Once you reverse the cycle of lying and stress, your life will become easier and happier.

Honestly,
Gal

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Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

Fun with Ice

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend's mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend's carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend's insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

Insurance protects us from losing everything when we are already busy dealing with something bad, so it seems like a good idea. But insurance companies need to make money in order to insure us, so they recover their losses back from us. Along the way, they sometimes take away some of our happiness too.

No Running, No Jumping, No Playing

When Tsoof was 4 years old, his favorite activity was soccer, he loved to play drums and was a very energetic and talkative little boy. We wanted him to be with other kids, so we sent him to a nearby kindergarten that had great facilities and looked really nice.

Over time, we noticed our little boy was becoming sad and agitated, until he said he did not want to go to kindie anymore. When we ask him about it, he said, "They just want me to sit all the time. I can't run and I can't jump and I can't climb anything. And they want me to be quiet all the time. If I sing or shout because I'm happy, they say 'keep it down'. I heard something outside and I climbed the toy box to see what's happening and the teacher pulled me down", he said.

The next time we dropped him off, we went in with him and asked about all these restrictions. His teacher told us there had been some accidents and some children had gotten injured from climbing or bumping into each other while running, so their insurance company had told them they would not pay for these anymore and they should make sure the kids did not do anything dangerous.

"But this is what kids do", we said, "They run and climb and experiment. It's good for them".

"Sorry", said the teacher, "We can't afford to lose our cover".

Sitting Down until 8:30

A couple of years ago, Noff's school introduced a new rule: Until 8:30am, students within the school grounds may only be in the covered area near the cafeteria and they need to be sitting down. At 8:30, when the school opens officially, students may go anywhere (except they only had 15 minutes until their first lesson started).

This was a hard blow for many parents who had to go to work and needed to drop their kids off at school before 8:30. It was like a punishment for the kids, although they had done nothing wrong. It also chopped their social and fun time at school significantly, which is the main reason Ronit and I send our kids to school.

We wondered about this for a long time, until we were told recently that a girl had been hurt while playing at one of the school's playground before any teachers were on duty and her parents sued the school.

The school did the only thing it could to keep enough of its budget for education...

Glorious Jury

A few weeks ago, I received a summons to my first ever jury duty. Having never been inside a courtroom anywhere, I thought this would be a great experience, so I did not ask to be excused, even through 3 weeks away from work would not be easy. I also wanted to do my part as a citizen and help keep the justice system going.

So far, I have been in one trial that went on for three days, but I have had a lot of time to think about the effects of the jury system on our life.

When I told people I was going to be on jury duty, they looked at me like I was soft in the head or something. "You can ask to be excused, you know", they said, "It's easy. Just say you have a business and you can't get away".

That made me wonder who remains to serve as jurors in the system. These are most likely unemployed, senior citizens and people whose jobs pay them so little, the income from their jury duty is the same or higher than what they already make. Would you want to have that cross-section of society at your trial? Is this truly "a jury of peers"?

Then I got to the building where the courts are and went through the orientation. I found out that many (sometimes most) of the prospective jurors arrive in the morning, go through 1 or 2 jury selections and then go back home. By that time, their day is shot and they only get a small amount of money for their trouble.

The "lucky" ones are "empanelled" and serve as jurors for a few days. I was chosen during my first jury selection.

In the courtroom were a judge, a judge's associate, a bailiff, a prosecutor, an assistant prosecutor, a stenographer and at least two correctional services officers. These 8 people were paid by the state. On the defense side were two highly paid lawyers, making a total of 10 other people.

The jury more than doubles the number of people sitting through the entire trial! However little they get paid, every day of trial costs up to 12 days of lost productivity and taxes, as well as the juror payment, lunch and public transport. If that is not enough, it took several hours for the barristers and the judge to explain to us the matters of law relevant to the case, which made the trial longer.

Then came deliberation. In theory, the jury system is meant to protect ordinary citizens from unfair trials, but jurors are people with biases. They all have beliefs, values and needs that come into play when they decide on a verdict. As I sat in the room, I noticed racial comments, political comments, religious comments and many unfounded statements spoken with conviction. Although we all agreed in the end and worked things out quite well, would I want these people at my trial? Probably not.

Having a costly legal system puts it beyond the reach of most people, so having 12 jurors in court actually excludes many of their "peers" from getting a fair trial.

In our topsy turvy world, the things we do to protect ourselves come back to bite us when we do not stop to think them through and sometimes even when we do.

Have a productive day,
Gal

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No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever
- Francois Mocuriac

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills - Nature or Nurture?

I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty
- Collins English Dictionary

I only had a chance to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie when I was 40 years old. It was not an easy read, but reading it triggered a mixture of happiness and sadness in me. Happiness that I had discovered all the things Dale Carnegie wrote in the book and sadness that circumstances had not brought this book into my life long before to save me the heartache and pain of discovering things the hard way.

I am sure there are many people who wonder, like I did, how life would have been if they knew the rules of social interaction. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is parents' responsibility to teach their kids those skills. You cannot expect a disturbed 10-year-old or 14-year-old girl to go to the library, pick up Dale Carnegie's book and have the ability to implement it. I know many adults (too many, unfortunately) who read the book, or similar books, but that was not enough to teach them how to be friendly.

I have many clients that do not have a clue how to be friendly. They are lonely and prevent their families from being in social gatherings, because social interaction is a threat to them. Usually, they are unhappy and contribute greatly to the unhappiness of their entire family. When I talk to them about other people, they have strange interpretations for the way others behave. As social creatures, we learn to read behavior and people who are not friendly just cannot read others well enough. It is a cycle and its source is unknown. Is it the missing social skills that prevent them from hanging around others and therefore get little exposure to social interaction, or is it the lack of exposure that prevents them from developing their social skills and leads to avoiding people even more?

Some theories claim that social ability is genetic, while others consider it a learned skill. I tend to think it is a mixture of both and believe we need to focus on what we can do, rather than what we cannot do - every person can become a bit friendlier than he or she was in the past and therefore a bit happier than he or she would be otherwise.

Circle of friends

Although the number of friends is an indication to how friendly you are, it is also important to consider the level of friendship. One good way of realizing your social interaction is to do the circle of friends' activity.

Write your name in the middle, then write all those you consider friends and put them in the circle that matches how close are they to you. Consider their friendships in terms of how much you like them, how much they like you and how often you interact with them. The more close friends you have, the friendlier you are and the happier your life is.

The art of friendliness is the art of enjoying each other's company. If you like people, you want to spend more time with them. If they like you in return, they would like to spend more time with you. Liking each other means you are in a win-win situation - you both benefit from this interaction and your friendship will continue. If one of the sides is not happy with the relationship, it will bring friction, heartache and misery to both sides.

In any interaction, the goal is to benefit from the relationship and make sure the other person benefits from it too and would like to stay in this relationship. Our goal is to make the interaction pleasant to both sides.

Dale Carnegie talked about some basic techniques to win friends. He even thought they were fundamental to success in life through our ability to influence people. Read this list and examine your friendliness skills by rating your ability from 1-10.

• In your interaction with others, do not criticize. Criticism is the opposite of being friendly. It changes the balance between equal people to one considering himself/herself better. Do not confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is always considering your point over the other.
• Do not condemn others for their actions and behavior. Again, this destroys the fine balance that is required in a pleasant interaction. When you condemn people, you are stating that there is right and wrong. This only proves you are not a close enough friend as you have no idea what would make this person behave the way he/she did.
• Do not complain. Complainers are not friendly by definition. The things they complain about are more important to them than the friendship and others do not like hanging around them for long. Complaining and being pleasant do not go hand in hand and the excuse that the complaint contributes to a better relationship does not convince anyone. Only a masochist will believe that in order to have a good relationship, they need to please the other person.
• Do not nag. Nagging is another way of criticizing, condemning and complaining. It is a sign you are not in an equal relationship. Nagging is a sign you think your opinion is superior and that you rather the other person do what you want even if it is done by force.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them
- Mother Teresa

• Give honest and sincere appreciation. The opposite of the first four behaviors that destroy the balance is to show and express appreciation. Say good things about your friend. Generally, saying good things about others (only if they are true) makes others consider you a friendly person that sees the good in others. Use praises at the beginning of your words and always be honest. If you are forced to show appreciation - it is not honest. If one person in your relationship demands appreciation, this changes the balance and forces one side to be dishonest, which is a sign of problems in the relationship.
• Avoid arguments. In any argument, there are two sides. Both of them are valid and no matter what happens, it will be a lose-lose interaction that no one would like to repeat. Argumentative people do not have many friends, because they are energy consumers and exhausting to spend time with. If you start an argument, consider the friendship and choose to lose the argument and not the friendship. If you feel you need to win an argument, you have already lost.
• Smile. People who smile seem very friendly. Smiling is a form of communication that attracts people. When you smile, it sends the other person an invitation to interact with you. When you frown, it labels you as a criticizing, complaining, unhappy person and makes others stay away from you. Friends subconsciously match your behavior. If you complain, they will tend to "play the game" with you, but when they are far away from you, they will feel uncomfortable with themselves and avoid hanging around with you.
• Use people's names. Everyone likes the sound of his or her name. I have seen people in networking events abuse this tip and when I hear my name for the third time in a short period, it turns me off. On the other hand, some people tend to talk to others without using their names at all. Remembering someone else's name is very important and it is better to ask, "Can you remind me of your name again?" than not to use the name at all (or to guess it incorrectly). With close friends, it is never an issue of remembering, but of making an effort to use it.

The best mirror is an old friend
- George Herbert

• Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. In every interaction, measure how long you speak and how long the other person speaks. The one who speaks less is considered friendlier. In an interaction with others, there should be an equal share of contribution. Although it is not easy to use a stopwatch, it is good to be aware of who takes over the conversation. Those who take over the conversation usually consider the topic more important than the friendship and chase people away.
• When talking, talk about terms that are appealing to the other person. If you insist on talking about things that are of interest to you and not the other person, you lose your audience immediately. If you use vocabulary that the other person uses, the conversation is much easier. If you insist that the conversations include things that are of interest to you and that your goal is to convert the listener to your point of view, consider the interaction lost. Interaction is similar to playing ball. If one person holds the ball tight, there is no game.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When you do listen and encourage others to talk, make it genuine and sincere. To show interest in people, you need to ask questions. If the questions are not sincere and you just wait for the other person to finish so you can have a say too, this will be easily picked up by the other person, create a problem of trust between you and they will say to themselves, "She really didn't want to know the answer, so why bother?"
• Make the other person feel important and special and be honest with it. Carnegie talked about honesty a lot. He thought that using his tips without really meaning it defeats the purpose of building social skills. The mechanics of showing interest in others and making another person feel special cannot be cheated. Either you think the other is special and important or you do not. You cannot fake it. If you talk to the other person as if there is nothing special about them, there is always the question of "Then why do you spend time with me?" Ask yourself, "Why do I want to be in this person's company?" and use the answer to tell this person what is special about them that makes them attractive to you. Saying, "Well, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to", is not a friendly thing to say. Be careful not to badmouth others to make your friends feel special. If you do that, it is risky to be your friend, because one day you might talk like that about them.
• Show respect to others' ideas and never tell them they are wrong! Every relationship is based on mutual respect. When you tell someone they are wrong, you are tipping the balance. It is your right to think and do things differently, but it is not your right to judge. People do not like being in a judgmental relationship.
• When a person is upset, do not talk negatively, only talk about the positive. Friends are there to help each other. If you talk negatively, you are not creating rapport but dragging your friend down. Do your best not to judge, not to offer explanations for why they are upset or what they could have done better to not be in that place. If they are upset, they do not need your judgment on top of it.
• Do not try to change your friend. Instead, try to see things from their point of view. In any relationship, there are conflicts. No two people do, act, say and treat things exactly the same way, but that does not need to come between friends. If you think a friend has done something that you consider inappropriate, strange or unkind, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Friendship does not give you the right to change the other person but to understand them.
• Be courteous. This is strongly linked to respect and keeping the trust between people. If you feel you need to use information you have of other people to gain power, you are not a good friend and it will be hard for your to build this trust again.

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends
- William Shakespeare

How to be friendly and happy

In some positions, you are in charge and need to lead others in doing things. It can be as a parent, as a manager or even within the scope of teamwork. People will follow and listen to those who lead with friendly behavior and will resent those who are not friendly.

1. Never point to other people's mistakes. If necessary, talk about the action, not the person. If there is a mistake that needs to be fixed, always make it look like it is not a big deal and it is easy to fix. If it is possible, talk about your own mistakes first. Always let the other person "save face". Shaming a person may make you feel strong, but it will attract resentment to you. A strong leader with no followers is not a leader.
2. If you do make a mistake, say, "My mistake, sorry". It makes you look human to those who work with you. Much like not making a fuss about the mistakes of others, make sure not to make a fuss about your own mistakes. Generally, focusing on mistakes is not a good social skill, so move on and talk about the good stuff.
3. Ask questions instead of giving orders. Use "Can you please bring me the letters" instead of "Bring me the letters, please". When it is asked as a question, it gives the other person the chance to say, "No, I can't right now. I am doing something else" instead of putting pressure on them to follow your orders even when they cannot.
4. Praise every improvement. Everyone likes to be praised and every time you praise, you are considered kind and friendly, as if you can read peoples' good motives and behavior. Give people a fine reputation to live up to.

The art of happiness is strongly related to our ability to connect with people and be friendly. Most of the big successes start with someone knowing someone who knows someone and the willingness to be friendly and help. I can tell you for sure that my successes have followed this pattern. Friends are like a big family and having a big family contributes to happiness.

Wishing you many friends and lots of happiness that comes with friendship,
Ronit

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• Save Your Energy
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)

And that is no way to live. It is not good for the parents and it is not good for the kids.

What happens in these situations is that the parents try to control their children. In fact, they try to control the fine details of what their children do, say and sometimes even feel. They tell themselves and anyone else who will listen how important it is to get all the answers on every assignment correctly. That is how they justify the hours of grilling their kids over homework. They explain the long-term impact of passing a basketball using the scientifically proven motion on their kids' sporting future. That is how they justify the yelling from the sidelines and the intensive drilling at home.

But how important are these things really?

Who are they really important to?

And what are the effects of this controlling behavior on the children, the parents and their relationships for the rest of their lives?

In parents' defense, I would say it is probably the way they were brought up themselves. I even think many are doing better than their parents did, considering the circumstances. They do not know another way (unless they have read enough of this blog).

In a strange way, by trying to control our children, we give them power over our levels of stress and our emotional wellbeing. By nagging, correcting and micromanaging them, we give THEM control over us. They simply use our obvious motivation to throw us to the mat and pin us down.

Ronit and I had a couple of good friends with a 5-year-old boy who refused to eat "good food". His mom begged, threatened and then offered a bribe. "If you eat your lunch/dinner/food, I'll buy you a big ice cream", she would promise. He would then say, "No, I want my ice cream first. I'll eat the food after". She would buy him the ice cream, he would eat it and then refuse to eat anything else. She would go absolutely nuts, but then do the same thing again the following day.

She was so eager to get him to eat some healthy food, she made a big deal out of it, so he leveraged it to get what he wanted every day and twice on Sundays (literally). She cared so much about how his eating habits reflected on her parenting quality, she put her little son in charge of her self-esteem.

This kind of situation is very scary for the child. It means the parent does not have a sense of priority and enough self-confidence to be in charge. Kids view their parents as almighty and being able to shake them so easily makes them unable to rely on the parents for their own security.

So what should parents do?

The secret to trading failure to control with real power involves developing a personal perspective, having clear priorities, focusing only on truly important things and assuming a coaching position.

How to develop a personal perspective in parenting

As always, start by finding a quiet time and place, then relax by taking a few long, deep, slow breaths. Once you are calm and your head is clear, imagine the last scene in which you tried to control your child and ended up pulling your hair out.

Freeze the scene, as if everyone in it suddenly turned into metal or stone (ice is too cold). Now, float out of your body and position yourself opposite the image of you. Take a good look at your face and your body language. It is very likely you will recognize a fear in yourself, which you have not been aware of, but seems to be the source of your pressure during the scene.

Ask yourself, "Why do I really want my child to do [whatever it was]? What was I afraid would happen if he/she didn't do it?"

In many interpersonal conflicts, at least one party considers their views universal and absolute. Often, by accepting them as personal preferences, the conflict goes away. In a struggle with your kids, it is important to realize that although you may believe you are doing what is best for them, you are always first and foremost serving your own interests. When you are afraid of something, you become defensive and uncompromising. That is just human.

Now ask yourself, "Realistically, if I said and did nothing that time, what is the worst thing that could happen?"

In our friend's case, her son would have become hungry over time without ice cream, which would have given her enormous power over him, because then he would have eaten anything she allowed him to eat. If only she overcame her fear for 30 minutes or so...

How to have clear parenting priorities

No matter how many times we ask parents this question and no matter how we present it to them, what parents want most for their children is happiness. They just want their kids to be happy. The rest is just ways to get there.

Now that you are calm and being honest with yourself, ask yourself, "Would my kids be happier if I taught them how to do everything right or if I let them experience life on their own?" Again, consider the most recent incident or perhaps the most common conflict with your kids for perspective.

As a minimum, children need to be healthy and safe. Beyond that, they need to be happy and learn how to stay healthy, safe and happy on their own. Anything we force them to do that serves another aim hurts everybody.

In our friend's case, the little boy became less and less secure and more and more defiant, searching for the point where his mother would finally provide a boundary for him. He was not happy, she was not happy and his father was not happy. A few years later, the couple split and the boy went to live with his dad.

How to assume a coaching position with your kids

Kids are just little people. They are people in the making. From the minute they are born, we need to treat them as individuals. They are not us. They are not part of us. They grow up in a different world and have different needs and different physical and psychological abilities and limitations.

If we deal with them to serve our own happiness, this will often result in conflict. They may not be able to explain it to us, but they can feel it.

But if we do our best to help THEM get what THEY want out of life (using age-appropriate methods, of course), there will be fewer conflicts, our kids will feel safe and supported and life will be good for everyone.

A split second before responding to anything your kids do or say, stop, breathe, look at the scene from a neutral position (do the scene freezing exercise above until you get the hang of this), find the response you believe will make everybody the happiest and then act.

If you do this for a while, your kids will learn to trust you. Then, when you need to stop them from doing something they shouldn't, they are likely to just follow your guidance, because you always look after their best interest. This belief in you, this trust, this confidence, is the real source of power in parenting.

So stop controlling your kids. Relax, focus, let go and be powerful.
Gal

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Questions, Questions
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

In Australia, there is now something called NAPLAN - National Assessment Program for Literacy and Numeracy, officially described like this: "Every year, all students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9 are assessed on the same days using national tests in Reading, Writing, Language Conventions (Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation) and Numeracy".

This means that absolutely NOTHING else matters to most of the teachers and parents of students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. After having quite a bit of fun in Prep and Years 1 and 2, the poor kids in Year 3 are taught things by the book, tested every week, deprived of play time, music, art, sport and extracurricular activities and subjected to constant pressure to perform. State Education ministers go nuts from it, so Department of Education executives go nuts from it, so principals go nuts from it, so teachers go nuts from it, so students go nuts from it.

The same thing happens all over again 2, 4 and 6 years later.

And that is really bad.

Because learning should be fun and because all that stress actually blocks learning.

Think back to your time at school for a moment, particularly to 3^rd Grade. Could you study well when you were tired? Could you concentrate in class when you were hungry or when you had to go to the toilet? Was it easy for you to work with numbers after witnessing your parents having a big fight the night before? How well did you do on exams when your dog died or your best friend moved away?

Not too well, right?

School systems are just like conventional medicine - they focus on the symptoms, ignore the personal context and completely miss the underlying issues. They do it because the symptoms, literacy and numeracy in this case, are easy to test and measure. It stands to conventional reason that by teaching more reading, students' reading will improve and by administering more math homework, students will get more practice and get better with numbers.

Ronit and I see just how wrong this approach is with every child that comes to our assessment service. One after the other, parents bring children aged 5 to 14, asking for help with their performance at school. One after the other, these children reveal gaps in their learning due to emotional traumas and communication style incompatibility with their past or present teachers. Ronit advises all of their parents to handle their emotional wellbeing first and one after the other, they pick up speed in their studies as soon as they are able to smile and feel free.

We have seen close correlations between gaps in reading, writing and math skills due to the illness and death of a father. Would you care how much 2 + 5 was if your father was dying?

We have seen gaps in academic performance due to frequent changes of teachers. Young children look up to their teachers and idolize them. That is why they trust their teaching and follow their instructions. Would you be able to trust your 6^th Grade 1 teacher after being "deserted" by the previous 5?

We have seen children whose mother or father had a mental disorder, which forced them to help extensively at home and gave other students at their school plenty of bullying material. Would you be able to motivate yourself even to go to school if this were your situation?

When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, pressure to perform only makes things worse. The child feels ignored, abused, rejected and belittled. They lose trust in teachers, parents and sometimes even in "grownups" in general. So they hide their challenges, which makes them even harder to detect, and they go on missing more and more spelling, grammar, arithmetic, shapes, money, graphs and all those other things that show up later as low test scores.

Emotionacy

What kids really need to learn is not literacy or numeracy, it is "emotionacy". They need to learn how to recognize and manage their emotions. They need to be encouraged to express themselves, to explore and to learn what and how they like. They need to be valued as people-in-the-making (my kids have an awesome music teacher who refers to her students as "short people") and to be developed based on their own choices.

Reading something interesting is far more beneficial than reading standard text. Sure, it is not as easy to monitor and regulate, but kids who follow their heart LOVE to read. They read without any external pressure, they learn far more from what they read and they read so much that their level of literacy is actually better over those who are forced to read standard boring stuff.

Give any child a cool science project where they need to measure quantities, calculate fractions, draw a graph and analyze numerical data and they will jump for joy at each discovery and conclusion. They will remember the experiment forever, keep the results in their room for months, show it to everyone and proudly EXPLAIN the math to anyone who will listen. In the context of something exciting, kids have all the skills for math.

Pay attention to how a child learns - by writing and drawing, by listening and talking or by doing - and adapt your teaching to it and all of a sudden, a "slow" child seems "bright". Suddenly, they like coming to class or doing their homework, they love the teacher (or you, their parent) and their scores improve dramatically.

Find out how a child feels, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is for them to describe (particularly at a young age), help them feel better and you will get a bundle of joy that finds little in class challenging. Use stories, symbolic play with dolls, drawings or any other non-verbal method and you will discover the blocks to natural learning. Give affirmations, touch, quality time, little presents and helpful services and you will see moping turning into energy and a long face becoming a smile.

When you need to teach a child something, present it as a game. Learning happens much better when it is fun and then, the child wants to learn even more, because it is fun. Kids would play games all the time if they could, so just let them. Use their endless energy and fill their games with useful learning and they will be unstoppable.

Academic performance is natural for children when they can "afford it" mentally. When they are too busy surviving emotionally, they can learn nothing, but no matter what their top potential is, they will get a lot closer to it when they are happy.

So check your child's emotionacy and help them get better at it. Write your local representative and speak out at parent-teacher meetings and parent-body gatherings. What your kids need is emotional intelligence and the rest will follow.

Happy parenting,
Gal

P.S. A good starting point is to work on your own happiness, because happy parents raise happy kids.

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• The Hunger Games
• Wisdom from the School of Life

Here are some more things you can do on a regular basis when you are relaxed that will help you send a message of respect to your kids and strengthen their "choice muscle".

Brainstorm options

Some kids are afraid that because they cannot see a way out, they are stuck. We all get stuck when we do see no option that will get us out of a painful situation or get us to a desired situation.

That is OK, because thinking of options is a skill that needs to be taught. Ask your child, "What's the worst that can happen?" or "What can go wrong?" or "Tell me the craziest solution you can think of". It is important to think of options and while I suggest coming up with crazy things, I would like to emphasize you should aim for solutions, not problems. If you focus on endless possible problems, you are going to find them. Looking for many problems is a dangerous zone that may create more fear than help.

Sometimes, all kids need is a single idea. You can suggest things too, but make sure the child comes up with most of the ideas. If you want to lead them towards something, say things like, "How about...", "What if...", "Do you think doing .... could work?" "What do you think of this option?" Everything you say must be as a mature person, a helper and a mentor. If you try to push your solution, you are not helping, but weakening your child's choice muscle.

Give time to think

When you suggest something, give your child time to think about it. If you expect an immediate decision, you are pushing. Pushing the choice muscle will not make it strong but weak.

It is very important to tell your kids they do not have to make immediate decisions. If we push our kids to make decisions quickly, we give them a message that every choice is a "life or death" decision. This is not good. They should never have that feeling. The choices we make are not perfect either and we often work on them for a while. By the time our kids need to make a decision like whether to risk of driving through a red light, their choice muscle will be so strong they will resist the temptation once they get to a red light, but that takes time and practice.

To help kids think about their choices without pressure, say, "I think it's a good idea to sleep on these ideas", "Take some time to think about this and we can continue tomorrow", or, "I suggest that you think about it for a while before you make your decision".

I use this technique for many things my kids want and I started at an early age. If they want to study a musical instrument, get a haircut, paint their room or register for a new class, I say, "Think about it for a week". If they come back in a week, I know they have thought about it, but if not, I know it was not that important. That is OK!

Basic pros and cons

Making a choice is a matter of weighing the pros and cons of the options you see in front of you. This is a learned skill that is good to teach from an early age. Kids must understand that most choices are not 100% good or 100% bad. Every choice has advantages and disadvantages.

The simplest technique is just writing down the pros and cons separately, counting each side and comparing the numbers. This process helps kids see with their own eyes which options has more good points than bad points. Take a piece of paper and write things down. Often, when you write down the pros and cons, that is enough to convince yourself. Do not be tempted to do everything in your head. When we do not write things down, we allow our subconscious to erase things we do not want to remember or deal with.

Advanced option weighing technique

Sometimes, just listing the pros and cons is not good enough, because some considerations have a higher value than others. For example, your son wants to join a basketball team that practices on Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. He cannot make up his mind whether he is willing to give up other things for this, such as going to parties that happen on Saturday, going to the beach with your family or inviting friends to sleep over on Friday night.

This is when you give the considerations weights. Some considerations are more important to you than others are and it is good to know what these are. So if there are 6 things to consider, you can rank the categories from 1 to 6 (1 being the least important and 6 being the most important). Then, you fill in the form, giving 0 points for "no" and 1 point for "yes" to each consideration in each option.

When you are done, multiply the 1s by the importance and add up the scores for each option. Using a proper weight system, this example shows that going to basketball will be the best choice for your child.

* I play with my basketball friends
** I may play some basketball during school breaks

I use this technique when I make big decisions and even with my clients (who are not young kids) when they need to make hard decisions. Quantifying the importance is a very good way of taking the emotions out of making a choice.

I learned a version of this technique from one of my inspiring teachers. One of my Special Education professors said that teachers tend to give extra points to their favorite students (yes, I know, it is not something you like to find out, but it is true - it is only human to give discounts to the people you like and teachers are just human). To get over this, she came up with a weighing system and designed a marking system that was made of 10 to 20 items (that is a lot, because most teachers use only 3: exam, participating in class and homework, and if they use more than one exam, that makes a huge difference in their grading). This is very easy to do with percentages. You have 100% and divide it between scoring categories by their level of importance (which you can easily teach older kids to do). Well, this does not mean you will not give extra points to your favorite students, but when the extra point is 1% of 7%, it is not a lot and your favoritism in under control.

This technique is great for choosing work, profession, what university subjects to study, friends, a suitable school and, I dare say, even a partner. You rate what is important to you and find out if this person gets to the level you expect. Remember, 100% is not possible!

Independent kids are not born, they are made. I know many parents who struggle with their kids when an easy shift from showing power to supporting their kids' choice muscle could have made their life much better. Do you know how much trouble you can save if you teach your kids to be independent and prepare their own lunch box?

Noff has been making her own sandwiches since she was 4 years old. We would give her a blunt spreading knife and a plate with bread and she put her own spread on it. When she wanted a chocolate drink, she could climb on a chair, take the chocolate powder and pour herself some milk. Yes, it was messy at first, but she did not need us to fulfill her needs, because she could do lots of that herself. She is 10 years old now and she is in charge of many dishes that we make for dinners. If Gal and I had to be away from home, our kids would make themselves a feast every day.

Raising independent kids is helpful in many ways. Eden, who is our eldest, is the most independent in our family, because she has had the most time to practice. She slept over when she about 6 months old, she flew to the other side of the world on her own when she was 10 years old. When we brought a babysitter to take care of the younger kids, she used to host the babysitter. Every time we came back home, the babysitter would say, "Eden babysat me until she went to sleep". She asked her if she wanted anything to eat or to drink and, served her cookies and showed her how to make herself another cup of tea. She showed her how to use the TV and the VCR, where the toilet was and when to give Tsoof his bottle (when Tsoof was a baby). When she was awake, Eden used to change his diapers herself and went to sleep when she knew the babysitter was fine. As you would expect, the transition to not having a babysitter was easy. Practice had made it better and easier.

Total independence happens the second your kid leaves the house and no longer needs your financial support. No kid on Earth, no matter how old, can do it well without practice, without making mistakes and without learning from their own choices. They need time and the more time they have to make those choices in a safe environment, when Mom and Dad can help them, guide them and teach them techniques and opportunities, the better they will be at it.

Life is full of choices and as a parent, you have the luxury of raising independent kids. All you have to do is ... choose!

Happy choices,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices