Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

Fun with Ice

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend's mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend's carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend's insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

Insurance protects us from losing everything when we are already busy dealing with something bad, so it seems like a good idea. But insurance companies need to make money in order to insure us, so they recover their losses back from us. Along the way, they sometimes take away some of our happiness too.

No Running, No Jumping, No Playing

When Tsoof was 4 years old, his favorite activity was soccer, he loved to play drums and was a very energetic and talkative little boy. We wanted him to be with other kids, so we sent him to a nearby kindergarten that had great facilities and looked really nice.

Over time, we noticed our little boy was becoming sad and agitated, until he said he did not want to go to kindie anymore. When we ask him about it, he said, "They just want me to sit all the time. I can't run and I can't jump and I can't climb anything. And they want me to be quiet all the time. If I sing or shout because I'm happy, they say 'keep it down'. I heard something outside and I climbed the toy box to see what's happening and the teacher pulled me down", he said.

The next time we dropped him off, we went in with him and asked about all these restrictions. His teacher told us there had been some accidents and some children had gotten injured from climbing or bumping into each other while running, so their insurance company had told them they would not pay for these anymore and they should make sure the kids did not do anything dangerous.

"But this is what kids do", we said, "They run and climb and experiment. It's good for them".

"Sorry", said the teacher, "We can't afford to lose our cover".

Sitting Down until 8:30

A couple of years ago, Noff's school introduced a new rule: Until 8:30am, students within the school grounds may only be in the covered area near the cafeteria and they need to be sitting down. At 8:30, when the school opens officially, students may go anywhere (except they only had 15 minutes until their first lesson started).

This was a hard blow for many parents who had to go to work and needed to drop their kids off at school before 8:30. It was like a punishment for the kids, although they had done nothing wrong. It also chopped their social and fun time at school significantly, which is the main reason Ronit and I send our kids to school.

We wondered about this for a long time, until we were told recently that a girl had been hurt while playing at one of the school's playground before any teachers were on duty and her parents sued the school.

The school did the only thing it could to keep enough of its budget for education...

Glorious Jury

A few weeks ago, I received a summons to my first ever jury duty. Having never been inside a courtroom anywhere, I thought this would be a great experience, so I did not ask to be excused, even through 3 weeks away from work would not be easy. I also wanted to do my part as a citizen and help keep the justice system going.

So far, I have been in one trial that went on for three days, but I have had a lot of time to think about the effects of the jury system on our life.

When I told people I was going to be on jury duty, they looked at me like I was soft in the head or something. "You can ask to be excused, you know", they said, "It's easy. Just say you have a business and you can't get away".

That made me wonder who remains to serve as jurors in the system. These are most likely unemployed, senior citizens and people whose jobs pay them so little, the income from their jury duty is the same or higher than what they already make. Would you want to have that cross-section of society at your trial? Is this truly "a jury of peers"?

Then I got to the building where the courts are and went through the orientation. I found out that many (sometimes most) of the prospective jurors arrive in the morning, go through 1 or 2 jury selections and then go back home. By that time, their day is shot and they only get a small amount of money for their trouble.

The "lucky" ones are "empanelled" and serve as jurors for a few days. I was chosen during my first jury selection.

In the courtroom were a judge, a judge's associate, a bailiff, a prosecutor, an assistant prosecutor, a stenographer and at least two correctional services officers. These 8 people were paid by the state. On the defense side were two highly paid lawyers, making a total of 10 other people.

The jury more than doubles the number of people sitting through the entire trial! However little they get paid, every day of trial costs up to 12 days of lost productivity and taxes, as well as the juror payment, lunch and public transport. If that is not enough, it took several hours for the barristers and the judge to explain to us the matters of law relevant to the case, which made the trial longer.

Then came deliberation. In theory, the jury system is meant to protect ordinary citizens from unfair trials, but jurors are people with biases. They all have beliefs, values and needs that come into play when they decide on a verdict. As I sat in the room, I noticed racial comments, political comments, religious comments and many unfounded statements spoken with conviction. Although we all agreed in the end and worked things out quite well, would I want these people at my trial? Probably not.

Having a costly legal system puts it beyond the reach of most people, so having 12 jurors in court actually excludes many of their "peers" from getting a fair trial.

In our topsy turvy world, the things we do to protect ourselves come back to bite us when we do not stop to think them through and sometimes even when we do.

Have a productive day,
Gal

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever
- Francois Mocuriac

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills - Nature or Nurture?

I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty
- Collins English Dictionary

I only had a chance to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie when I was 40 years old. It was not an easy read, but reading it triggered a mixture of happiness and sadness in me. Happiness that I had discovered all the things Dale Carnegie wrote in the book and sadness that circumstances had not brought this book into my life long before to save me the heartache and pain of discovering things the hard way.

I am sure there are many people who wonder, like I did, how life would have been if they knew the rules of social interaction. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is parents' responsibility to teach their kids those skills. You cannot expect a disturbed 10-year-old or 14-year-old girl to go to the library, pick up Dale Carnegie's book and have the ability to implement it. I know many adults (too many, unfortunately) who read the book, or similar books, but that was not enough to teach them how to be friendly.

I have many clients that do not have a clue how to be friendly. They are lonely and prevent their families from being in social gatherings, because social interaction is a threat to them. Usually, they are unhappy and contribute greatly to the unhappiness of their entire family. When I talk to them about other people, they have strange interpretations for the way others behave. As social creatures, we learn to read behavior and people who are not friendly just cannot read others well enough. It is a cycle and its source is unknown. Is it the missing social skills that prevent them from hanging around others and therefore get little exposure to social interaction, or is it the lack of exposure that prevents them from developing their social skills and leads to avoiding people even more?

Some theories claim that social ability is genetic, while others consider it a learned skill. I tend to think it is a mixture of both and believe we need to focus on what we can do, rather than what we cannot do - every person can become a bit friendlier than he or she was in the past and therefore a bit happier than he or she would be otherwise.

Circle of friends

Although the number of friends is an indication to how friendly you are, it is also important to consider the level of friendship. One good way of realizing your social interaction is to do the circle of friends' activity.

Write your name in the middle, then write all those you consider friends and put them in the circle that matches how close are they to you. Consider their friendships in terms of how much you like them, how much they like you and how often you interact with them. The more close friends you have, the friendlier you are and the happier your life is.

The art of friendliness is the art of enjoying each other's company. If you like people, you want to spend more time with them. If they like you in return, they would like to spend more time with you. Liking each other means you are in a win-win situation - you both benefit from this interaction and your friendship will continue. If one of the sides is not happy with the relationship, it will bring friction, heartache and misery to both sides.

In any interaction, the goal is to benefit from the relationship and make sure the other person benefits from it too and would like to stay in this relationship. Our goal is to make the interaction pleasant to both sides.

Dale Carnegie talked about some basic techniques to win friends. He even thought they were fundamental to success in life through our ability to influence people. Read this list and examine your friendliness skills by rating your ability from 1-10.

• In your interaction with others, do not criticize. Criticism is the opposite of being friendly. It changes the balance between equal people to one considering himself/herself better. Do not confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is always considering your point over the other.
• Do not condemn others for their actions and behavior. Again, this destroys the fine balance that is required in a pleasant interaction. When you condemn people, you are stating that there is right and wrong. This only proves you are not a close enough friend as you have no idea what would make this person behave the way he/she did.
• Do not complain. Complainers are not friendly by definition. The things they complain about are more important to them than the friendship and others do not like hanging around them for long. Complaining and being pleasant do not go hand in hand and the excuse that the complaint contributes to a better relationship does not convince anyone. Only a masochist will believe that in order to have a good relationship, they need to please the other person.
• Do not nag. Nagging is another way of criticizing, condemning and complaining. It is a sign you are not in an equal relationship. Nagging is a sign you think your opinion is superior and that you rather the other person do what you want even if it is done by force.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them
- Mother Teresa

• Give honest and sincere appreciation. The opposite of the first four behaviors that destroy the balance is to show and express appreciation. Say good things about your friend. Generally, saying good things about others (only if they are true) makes others consider you a friendly person that sees the good in others. Use praises at the beginning of your words and always be honest. If you are forced to show appreciation - it is not honest. If one person in your relationship demands appreciation, this changes the balance and forces one side to be dishonest, which is a sign of problems in the relationship.
• Avoid arguments. In any argument, there are two sides. Both of them are valid and no matter what happens, it will be a lose-lose interaction that no one would like to repeat. Argumentative people do not have many friends, because they are energy consumers and exhausting to spend time with. If you start an argument, consider the friendship and choose to lose the argument and not the friendship. If you feel you need to win an argument, you have already lost.
• Smile. People who smile seem very friendly. Smiling is a form of communication that attracts people. When you smile, it sends the other person an invitation to interact with you. When you frown, it labels you as a criticizing, complaining, unhappy person and makes others stay away from you. Friends subconsciously match your behavior. If you complain, they will tend to "play the game" with you, but when they are far away from you, they will feel uncomfortable with themselves and avoid hanging around with you.
• Use people's names. Everyone likes the sound of his or her name. I have seen people in networking events abuse this tip and when I hear my name for the third time in a short period, it turns me off. On the other hand, some people tend to talk to others without using their names at all. Remembering someone else's name is very important and it is better to ask, "Can you remind me of your name again?" than not to use the name at all (or to guess it incorrectly). With close friends, it is never an issue of remembering, but of making an effort to use it.

The best mirror is an old friend
- George Herbert

• Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. In every interaction, measure how long you speak and how long the other person speaks. The one who speaks less is considered friendlier. In an interaction with others, there should be an equal share of contribution. Although it is not easy to use a stopwatch, it is good to be aware of who takes over the conversation. Those who take over the conversation usually consider the topic more important than the friendship and chase people away.
• When talking, talk about terms that are appealing to the other person. If you insist on talking about things that are of interest to you and not the other person, you lose your audience immediately. If you use vocabulary that the other person uses, the conversation is much easier. If you insist that the conversations include things that are of interest to you and that your goal is to convert the listener to your point of view, consider the interaction lost. Interaction is similar to playing ball. If one person holds the ball tight, there is no game.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When you do listen and encourage others to talk, make it genuine and sincere. To show interest in people, you need to ask questions. If the questions are not sincere and you just wait for the other person to finish so you can have a say too, this will be easily picked up by the other person, create a problem of trust between you and they will say to themselves, "She really didn't want to know the answer, so why bother?"
• Make the other person feel important and special and be honest with it. Carnegie talked about honesty a lot. He thought that using his tips without really meaning it defeats the purpose of building social skills. The mechanics of showing interest in others and making another person feel special cannot be cheated. Either you think the other is special and important or you do not. You cannot fake it. If you talk to the other person as if there is nothing special about them, there is always the question of "Then why do you spend time with me?" Ask yourself, "Why do I want to be in this person's company?" and use the answer to tell this person what is special about them that makes them attractive to you. Saying, "Well, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to", is not a friendly thing to say. Be careful not to badmouth others to make your friends feel special. If you do that, it is risky to be your friend, because one day you might talk like that about them.
• Show respect to others' ideas and never tell them they are wrong! Every relationship is based on mutual respect. When you tell someone they are wrong, you are tipping the balance. It is your right to think and do things differently, but it is not your right to judge. People do not like being in a judgmental relationship.
• When a person is upset, do not talk negatively, only talk about the positive. Friends are there to help each other. If you talk negatively, you are not creating rapport but dragging your friend down. Do your best not to judge, not to offer explanations for why they are upset or what they could have done better to not be in that place. If they are upset, they do not need your judgment on top of it.
• Do not try to change your friend. Instead, try to see things from their point of view. In any relationship, there are conflicts. No two people do, act, say and treat things exactly the same way, but that does not need to come between friends. If you think a friend has done something that you consider inappropriate, strange or unkind, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Friendship does not give you the right to change the other person but to understand them.
• Be courteous. This is strongly linked to respect and keeping the trust between people. If you feel you need to use information you have of other people to gain power, you are not a good friend and it will be hard for your to build this trust again.

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends
- William Shakespeare

How to be friendly and happy

In some positions, you are in charge and need to lead others in doing things. It can be as a parent, as a manager or even within the scope of teamwork. People will follow and listen to those who lead with friendly behavior and will resent those who are not friendly.

1. Never point to other people's mistakes. If necessary, talk about the action, not the person. If there is a mistake that needs to be fixed, always make it look like it is not a big deal and it is easy to fix. If it is possible, talk about your own mistakes first. Always let the other person "save face". Shaming a person may make you feel strong, but it will attract resentment to you. A strong leader with no followers is not a leader.
2. If you do make a mistake, say, "My mistake, sorry". It makes you look human to those who work with you. Much like not making a fuss about the mistakes of others, make sure not to make a fuss about your own mistakes. Generally, focusing on mistakes is not a good social skill, so move on and talk about the good stuff.
3. Ask questions instead of giving orders. Use "Can you please bring me the letters" instead of "Bring me the letters, please". When it is asked as a question, it gives the other person the chance to say, "No, I can't right now. I am doing something else" instead of putting pressure on them to follow your orders even when they cannot.
4. Praise every improvement. Everyone likes to be praised and every time you praise, you are considered kind and friendly, as if you can read peoples' good motives and behavior. Give people a fine reputation to live up to.

The art of happiness is strongly related to our ability to connect with people and be friendly. Most of the big successes start with someone knowing someone who knows someone and the willingness to be friendly and help. I can tell you for sure that my successes have followed this pattern. Friends are like a big family and having a big family contributes to happiness.

Wishing you many friends and lots of happiness that comes with friendship,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Stronger Together
• Save Your Energy
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)

And that is no way to live. It is not good for the parents and it is not good for the kids.

What happens in these situations is that the parents try to control their children. In fact, they try to control the fine details of what their children do, say and sometimes even feel. They tell themselves and anyone else who will listen how important it is to get all the answers on every assignment correctly. That is how they justify the hours of grilling their kids over homework. They explain the long-term impact of passing a basketball using the scientifically proven motion on their kids' sporting future. That is how they justify the yelling from the sidelines and the intensive drilling at home.

But how important are these things really?

Who are they really important to?

And what are the effects of this controlling behavior on the children, the parents and their relationships for the rest of their lives?

In parents' defense, I would say it is probably the way they were brought up themselves. I even think many are doing better than their parents did, considering the circumstances. They do not know another way (unless they have read enough of this blog).

In a strange way, by trying to control our children, we give them power over our levels of stress and our emotional wellbeing. By nagging, correcting and micromanaging them, we give THEM control over us. They simply use our obvious motivation to throw us to the mat and pin us down.

Ronit and I had a couple of good friends with a 5-year-old boy who refused to eat "good food". His mom begged, threatened and then offered a bribe. "If you eat your lunch/dinner/food, I'll buy you a big ice cream", she would promise. He would then say, "No, I want my ice cream first. I'll eat the food after". She would buy him the ice cream, he would eat it and then refuse to eat anything else. She would go absolutely nuts, but then do the same thing again the following day.

She was so eager to get him to eat some healthy food, she made a big deal out of it, so he leveraged it to get what he wanted every day and twice on Sundays (literally). She cared so much about how his eating habits reflected on her parenting quality, she put her little son in charge of her self-esteem.

This kind of situation is very scary for the child. It means the parent does not have a sense of priority and enough self-confidence to be in charge. Kids view their parents as almighty and being able to shake them so easily makes them unable to rely on the parents for their own security.

So what should parents do?

The secret to trading failure to control with real power involves developing a personal perspective, having clear priorities, focusing only on truly important things and assuming a coaching position.

How to develop a personal perspective in parenting

As always, start by finding a quiet time and place, then relax by taking a few long, deep, slow breaths. Once you are calm and your head is clear, imagine the last scene in which you tried to control your child and ended up pulling your hair out.

Freeze the scene, as if everyone in it suddenly turned into metal or stone (ice is too cold). Now, float out of your body and position yourself opposite the image of you. Take a good look at your face and your body language. It is very likely you will recognize a fear in yourself, which you have not been aware of, but seems to be the source of your pressure during the scene.

Ask yourself, "Why do I really want my child to do [whatever it was]? What was I afraid would happen if he/she didn't do it?"

In many interpersonal conflicts, at least one party considers their views universal and absolute. Often, by accepting them as personal preferences, the conflict goes away. In a struggle with your kids, it is important to realize that although you may believe you are doing what is best for them, you are always first and foremost serving your own interests. When you are afraid of something, you become defensive and uncompromising. That is just human.

Now ask yourself, "Realistically, if I said and did nothing that time, what is the worst thing that could happen?"

In our friend's case, her son would have become hungry over time without ice cream, which would have given her enormous power over him, because then he would have eaten anything she allowed him to eat. If only she overcame her fear for 30 minutes or so...

How to have clear parenting priorities

No matter how many times we ask parents this question and no matter how we present it to them, what parents want most for their children is happiness. They just want their kids to be happy. The rest is just ways to get there.

Now that you are calm and being honest with yourself, ask yourself, "Would my kids be happier if I taught them how to do everything right or if I let them experience life on their own?" Again, consider the most recent incident or perhaps the most common conflict with your kids for perspective.

As a minimum, children need to be healthy and safe. Beyond that, they need to be happy and learn how to stay healthy, safe and happy on their own. Anything we force them to do that serves another aim hurts everybody.

In our friend's case, the little boy became less and less secure and more and more defiant, searching for the point where his mother would finally provide a boundary for him. He was not happy, she was not happy and his father was not happy. A few years later, the couple split and the boy went to live with his dad.

How to assume a coaching position with your kids

Kids are just little people. They are people in the making. From the minute they are born, we need to treat them as individuals. They are not us. They are not part of us. They grow up in a different world and have different needs and different physical and psychological abilities and limitations.

If we deal with them to serve our own happiness, this will often result in conflict. They may not be able to explain it to us, but they can feel it.

But if we do our best to help THEM get what THEY want out of life (using age-appropriate methods, of course), there will be fewer conflicts, our kids will feel safe and supported and life will be good for everyone.

A split second before responding to anything your kids do or say, stop, breathe, look at the scene from a neutral position (do the scene freezing exercise above until you get the hang of this), find the response you believe will make everybody the happiest and then act.

If you do this for a while, your kids will learn to trust you. Then, when you need to stop them from doing something they shouldn't, they are likely to just follow your guidance, because you always look after their best interest. This belief in you, this trust, this confidence, is the real source of power in parenting.

So stop controlling your kids. Relax, focus, let go and be powerful.
Gal

You may want to read

• Questions, Questions
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Nagging Your Kids

In Australia, there is now something called NAPLAN - National Assessment Program for Literacy and Numeracy, officially described like this: "Every year, all students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9 are assessed on the same days using national tests in Reading, Writing, Language Conventions (Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation) and Numeracy".

This means that absolutely NOTHING else matters to most of the teachers and parents of students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. After having quite a bit of fun in Prep and Years 1 and 2, the poor kids in Year 3 are taught things by the book, tested every week, deprived of play time, music, art, sport and extracurricular activities and subjected to constant pressure to perform. State Education ministers go nuts from it, so Department of Education executives go nuts from it, so principals go nuts from it, so teachers go nuts from it, so students go nuts from it.

The same thing happens all over again 2, 4 and 6 years later.

And that is really bad.

Because learning should be fun and because all that stress actually blocks learning.

Think back to your time at school for a moment, particularly to 3^rd Grade. Could you study well when you were tired? Could you concentrate in class when you were hungry or when you had to go to the toilet? Was it easy for you to work with numbers after witnessing your parents having a big fight the night before? How well did you do on exams when your dog died or your best friend moved away?

Not too well, right?

School systems are just like conventional medicine - they focus on the symptoms, ignore the personal context and completely miss the underlying issues. They do it because the symptoms, literacy and numeracy in this case, are easy to test and measure. It stands to conventional reason that by teaching more reading, students' reading will improve and by administering more math homework, students will get more practice and get better with numbers.

Ronit and I see just how wrong this approach is with every child that comes to our assessment service. One after the other, parents bring children aged 5 to 14, asking for help with their performance at school. One after the other, these children reveal gaps in their learning due to emotional traumas and communication style incompatibility with their past or present teachers. Ronit advises all of their parents to handle their emotional wellbeing first and one after the other, they pick up speed in their studies as soon as they are able to smile and feel free.

We have seen close correlations between gaps in reading, writing and math skills due to the illness and death of a father. Would you care how much 2 + 5 was if your father was dying?

We have seen gaps in academic performance due to frequent changes of teachers. Young children look up to their teachers and idolize them. That is why they trust their teaching and follow their instructions. Would you be able to trust your 6^th Grade 1 teacher after being "deserted" by the previous 5?

We have seen children whose mother or father had a mental disorder, which forced them to help extensively at home and gave other students at their school plenty of bullying material. Would you be able to motivate yourself even to go to school if this were your situation?

When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, pressure to perform only makes things worse. The child feels ignored, abused, rejected and belittled. They lose trust in teachers, parents and sometimes even in "grownups" in general. So they hide their challenges, which makes them even harder to detect, and they go on missing more and more spelling, grammar, arithmetic, shapes, money, graphs and all those other things that show up later as low test scores.

Emotionacy

What kids really need to learn is not literacy or numeracy, it is "emotionacy". They need to learn how to recognize and manage their emotions. They need to be encouraged to express themselves, to explore and to learn what and how they like. They need to be valued as people-in-the-making (my kids have an awesome music teacher who refers to her students as "short people") and to be developed based on their own choices.

Reading something interesting is far more beneficial than reading standard text. Sure, it is not as easy to monitor and regulate, but kids who follow their heart LOVE to read. They read without any external pressure, they learn far more from what they read and they read so much that their level of literacy is actually better over those who are forced to read standard boring stuff.

Give any child a cool science project where they need to measure quantities, calculate fractions, draw a graph and analyze numerical data and they will jump for joy at each discovery and conclusion. They will remember the experiment forever, keep the results in their room for months, show it to everyone and proudly EXPLAIN the math to anyone who will listen. In the context of something exciting, kids have all the skills for math.

Pay attention to how a child learns - by writing and drawing, by listening and talking or by doing - and adapt your teaching to it and all of a sudden, a "slow" child seems "bright". Suddenly, they like coming to class or doing their homework, they love the teacher (or you, their parent) and their scores improve dramatically.

Find out how a child feels, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is for them to describe (particularly at a young age), help them feel better and you will get a bundle of joy that finds little in class challenging. Use stories, symbolic play with dolls, drawings or any other non-verbal method and you will discover the blocks to natural learning. Give affirmations, touch, quality time, little presents and helpful services and you will see moping turning into energy and a long face becoming a smile.

When you need to teach a child something, present it as a game. Learning happens much better when it is fun and then, the child wants to learn even more, because it is fun. Kids would play games all the time if they could, so just let them. Use their endless energy and fill their games with useful learning and they will be unstoppable.

Academic performance is natural for children when they can "afford it" mentally. When they are too busy surviving emotionally, they can learn nothing, but no matter what their top potential is, they will get a lot closer to it when they are happy.

So check your child's emotionacy and help them get better at it. Write your local representative and speak out at parent-teacher meetings and parent-body gatherings. What your kids need is emotional intelligence and the rest will follow.

Happy parenting,
Gal

P.S. A good starting point is to work on your own happiness, because happy parents raise happy kids.

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• Wisdom from the School of Life
• Competition, Perfection or Happiness

Here are some more things you can do on a regular basis when you are relaxed that will help you send a message of respect to your kids and strengthen their "choice muscle".

Brainstorm options

Some kids are afraid that because they cannot see a way out, they are stuck. We all get stuck when we do see no option that will get us out of a painful situation or get us to a desired situation.

That is OK, because thinking of options is a skill that needs to be taught. Ask your child, "What's the worst that can happen?" or "What can go wrong?" or "Tell me the craziest solution you can think of". It is important to think of options and while I suggest coming up with crazy things, I would like to emphasize you should aim for solutions, not problems. If you focus on endless possible problems, you are going to find them. Looking for many problems is a dangerous zone that may create more fear than help.

Sometimes, all kids need is a single idea. You can suggest things too, but make sure the child comes up with most of the ideas. If you want to lead them towards something, say things like, "How about...", "What if...", "Do you think doing .... could work?" "What do you think of this option?" Everything you say must be as a mature person, a helper and a mentor. If you try to push your solution, you are not helping, but weakening your child's choice muscle.

Give time to think

When you suggest something, give your child time to think about it. If you expect an immediate decision, you are pushing. Pushing the choice muscle will not make it strong but weak.

It is very important to tell your kids they do not have to make immediate decisions. If we push our kids to make decisions quickly, we give them a message that every choice is a "life or death" decision. This is not good. They should never have that feeling. The choices we make are not perfect either and we often work on them for a while. By the time our kids need to make a decision like whether to risk of driving through a red light, their choice muscle will be so strong they will resist the temptation once they get to a red light, but that takes time and practice.

To help kids think about their choices without pressure, say, "I think it's a good idea to sleep on these ideas", "Take some time to think about this and we can continue tomorrow", or, "I suggest that you think about it for a while before you make your decision".

I use this technique for many things my kids want and I started at an early age. If they want to study a musical instrument, get a haircut, paint their room or register for a new class, I say, "Think about it for a week". If they come back in a week, I know they have thought about it, but if not, I know it was not that important. That is OK!

Basic pros and cons

Making a choice is a matter of weighing the pros and cons of the options you see in front of you. This is a learned skill that is good to teach from an early age. Kids must understand that most choices are not 100% good or 100% bad. Every choice has advantages and disadvantages.

The simplest technique is just writing down the pros and cons separately, counting each side and comparing the numbers. This process helps kids see with their own eyes which options has more good points than bad points. Take a piece of paper and write things down. Often, when you write down the pros and cons, that is enough to convince yourself. Do not be tempted to do everything in your head. When we do not write things down, we allow our subconscious to erase things we do not want to remember or deal with.

Advanced option weighing technique

Sometimes, just listing the pros and cons is not good enough, because some considerations have a higher value than others. For example, your son wants to join a basketball team that practices on Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. He cannot make up his mind whether he is willing to give up other things for this, such as going to parties that happen on Saturday, going to the beach with your family or inviting friends to sleep over on Friday night.

This is when you give the considerations weights. Some considerations are more important to you than others are and it is good to know what these are. So if there are 6 things to consider, you can rank the categories from 1 to 6 (1 being the least important and 6 being the most important). Then, you fill in the form, giving 0 points for "no" and 1 point for "yes" to each consideration in each option.

When you are done, multiply the 1s by the importance and add up the scores for each option. Using a proper weight system, this example shows that going to basketball will be the best choice for your child.

* I play with my basketball friends
** I may play some basketball during school breaks

I use this technique when I make big decisions and even with my clients (who are not young kids) when they need to make hard decisions. Quantifying the importance is a very good way of taking the emotions out of making a choice.

I learned a version of this technique from one of my inspiring teachers. One of my Special Education professors said that teachers tend to give extra points to their favorite students (yes, I know, it is not something you like to find out, but it is true - it is only human to give discounts to the people you like and teachers are just human). To get over this, she came up with a weighing system and designed a marking system that was made of 10 to 20 items (that is a lot, because most teachers use only 3: exam, participating in class and homework, and if they use more than one exam, that makes a huge difference in their grading). This is very easy to do with percentages. You have 100% and divide it between scoring categories by their level of importance (which you can easily teach older kids to do). Well, this does not mean you will not give extra points to your favorite students, but when the extra point is 1% of 7%, it is not a lot and your favoritism in under control.

This technique is great for choosing work, profession, what university subjects to study, friends, a suitable school and, I dare say, even a partner. You rate what is important to you and find out if this person gets to the level you expect. Remember, 100% is not possible!

Independent kids are not born, they are made. I know many parents who struggle with their kids when an easy shift from showing power to supporting their kids' choice muscle could have made their life much better. Do you know how much trouble you can save if you teach your kids to be independent and prepare their own lunch box?

Noff has been making her own sandwiches since she was 4 years old. We would give her a blunt spreading knife and a plate with bread and she put her own spread on it. When she wanted a chocolate drink, she could climb on a chair, take the chocolate powder and pour herself some milk. Yes, it was messy at first, but she did not need us to fulfill her needs, because she could do lots of that herself. She is 10 years old now and she is in charge of many dishes that we make for dinners. If Gal and I had to be away from home, our kids would make themselves a feast every day.

Raising independent kids is helpful in many ways. Eden, who is our eldest, is the most independent in our family, because she has had the most time to practice. She slept over when she about 6 months old, she flew to the other side of the world on her own when she was 10 years old. When we brought a babysitter to take care of the younger kids, she used to host the babysitter. Every time we came back home, the babysitter would say, "Eden babysat me until she went to sleep". She asked her if she wanted anything to eat or to drink and, served her cookies and showed her how to make herself another cup of tea. She showed her how to use the TV and the VCR, where the toilet was and when to give Tsoof his bottle (when Tsoof was a baby). When she was awake, Eden used to change his diapers herself and went to sleep when she knew the babysitter was fine. As you would expect, the transition to not having a babysitter was easy. Practice had made it better and easier.

Total independence happens the second your kid leaves the house and no longer needs your financial support. No kid on Earth, no matter how old, can do it well without practice, without making mistakes and without learning from their own choices. They need time and the more time they have to make those choices in a safe environment, when Mom and Dad can help them, guide them and teach them techniques and opportunities, the better they will be at it.

Life is full of choices and as a parent, you have the luxury of raising independent kids. All you have to do is ... choose!

Happy choices,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices

Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

Accept choice as part of life

Be open and share with your kids stories about situations that have made it hard for you to make choices and how you have solved your dilemmas. It is very important for kids to understand that those situations are part of everyday life and our life is full of choices. Kids generally feel small and helpless and when they understand that you, their almighty parent, feel small and helpless sometimes, that you are not always sure what to do, that you are even afraid sometimes, it will help them be more tolerant towards their own difficult choices. If you talk to them about bad choices you have made and how you have grown from them, that will be of great service to your kids, because they will be able to learn from them too.

Be their inspiration

We make some of the choices in life because we know someone we trust and appreciate who has done (or is doing) something we think they have benefited from. Those people are an inspiration for us. Many kids see their parents as role models and inspiration, because they trust them.

Telling kids about your life will give them ideas and they will say, "I make this choice because something similar has happened to my dad and he solved it successfully that way". It is very important to say, "It worked for me. I lived in different circumstances, but it may work for you too". Remember not to impose your solutions. Think of their choice muscle, not your significance or your power muscle.

Let go of the perfect choice

Some people and their kids think there is such a thing as the perfect choice. Those people tend to talk about their good choices and are in denial of their bad ones. This is a tendency towards perfectionism and it promotes procrastination.

It is important for those parents to understand that not making a choice is a choice not to make a choice and when we do that, we put our life at the mercy of circumstances. The other side of this is being in constant regrets about bad choices. It is reasonable to be disappointed about choices you have made in the past, but since you cannot go back to the past and change them, you have to make the most of your choices, learn from them, move on and teach your kids to do the same.

If you want to help your kids, talk about good choices and bad choices. Tell them there is nothing in life we can have that does not require giving up something else and that waiting for the "right" choice to appear may take too long and they might miss opportunities to learn and grow. When you help your kids make choices, avoid using the words "good choice", "bad choice" and "the right choice". Do not say things like "I'm telling you, you will regret this", "I'm telling you, you will never regret this" and "If you ask me..." (which implies you are using the power muscle).

This is the nature of choices. Only after we make them, we know if they were any good. Do not play fortuneteller, because you may be wrong and lose the trust of your child. You can say, "I believe...", "From my experience...", "I hope..." or "I wish..." Humility can do a lot for your credibility.

Pay attention to conflicts

Use protests as a sign it is about time to change something and give your kids more choice.

Some parents cannot tell when is a good time to give their kids more independence and let them make their own choices.

I think it is hard to tell mainly because there is no "right" time, as most kids are different and are ready to move forward towards their independence at different times. This does not make them problematic, it only means they need more time to practice.

A good sign the time has come is that there is a conflict. I believe that conflicts with kids are part of their journey to independence. Their protests are declarations of their desire to be respected and to have some form of independence. Even a 1-year-old who fights her mom when she feeds her is a declaration of independence.

This is a good time to start giving her choices with her food by saying, "Would you like the red spoon or the blue spoon?" "Would you like to hold the spoon yourself?" "Do you want Mommy to sing you the airplane song or the porridge song?" The impact of this is amazing.

Most conflicts with kids are a battle between the parents' strong power muscle and the kids' weak choice muscle. If the kids are OK with you making choices for them and you are happy with it too, make the choices for them, but if they are not happy, they will protest and if you are not happy, you will protest.

Join me next week for more techniques for teaching your kids about choice and helping them use their "choice muscle".

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices

The best way to get over this is to teach kids strategies for making decisions and to give them opportunities to practice. The most wonderful thing is that you need to do it systematically only for three weeks to start noticing change. Many of my clients, even those parenting babies and teenagers, say their kids have fewer "tantrums", they express themselves better, it is much easier to communicate with them and they are more confident, more decisive and less "hormonal".

Kids need to learn to make choices and it is our job to give them opportunities to do so in situations that are not so critical to allow them to gain confidence and learn that there are advantages and disadvantages to the options in front of them. You can give your kids opportunities in many areas of life.

Food Choices

In our home, we have been creating systematic ways to give the kids opportunities to make choices regarding food. They can choose what they want for dinner, what to make (if they are making it), what to buy from the market and how much to put on their plate.

When I was a girl, my mom used to serve us food and we had to eat whatever she put on our plate. Sometimes, she would put too much and we were forced to finish it. I never liked it and always thought it did not show respect to us kids and did not help us make our own judgment about how much would make us feel full. Kids can always have "seconds" and no one likes waste. Gal and I decided that in our family, the kids would serve their own food. When they were too young, we put a little bit and asked them, "One more spoon?" or "Would you like some more?" before putting it on their plate. Kids need to learn to say to themselves "That is enough for me" or "That is too much for me". Let them serve their own food.

From time to time, you can give them an opportunity to choose what they want to eat. You can pick a day a week that each family member can choose what to make for dinner or what they will make for dinner. This is an awesome way to get your kids more involved and more appreciative of what is served. If you have 3 kids and everyone makes dinner once a week, you have to make a lot less and more of what you make will be eaten. When kids make the meal, they also have to do the shopping and to think of things ahead of time to make sure what they need is available, they may need you to buy things at a special store and they need to allow enough time for preparation. The more they cook, the better they will become.

Going with kids to the fruits and vegetable market can help them practice choice as they need to help you find things within your budget and learn how you choose apples, eggplants or cucumbers. Kids tend to think you just go, pick something and come home, but if they come with you, they can see that the cheapest is not always the best and the most expensive is not always worth buying. They also learn things about the quantities you need, so you can give them a bag and tell them to choose 14 cucumbers, 2 for each day of the week, and they will learn things about your thinking process.

Some families get to eat out a lot. This is another wonderful opportunity to teach your kids to choose. If they can read, let them choose what they want to eat from the menu. If you have budget limitations, let them know they can choose within that budget. If you have junk limitations, let them know that too. Gal and I do not drink soft drinks at home, but when we go out to eat, we are not fussy about that. Our kids can choose whatever they want to drink and most of the time, they order fruit juice.

When we lived around the world, we ate a lot in restaurants (mostly local family places, not fast food). In Thailand, we ate outside the house about 5-7 times a week (there were food hawkers at the entrance to our complex). Our kids could always choose what they wanted to eat and they became wonderful eaters and very adventurous with food. If we go to a new restaurant, they will choose things we can share, safe things (that they know they like) and new things to try. Gal and I are very proud of them for that. For our birthday, each of us chooses any restaurant we want and this had worked since Eden was 3-4 years old.

Choosing what to wear

Kids can choose what to wear. We had this thing sorted since Eden was about 1 year old. I would show her two sets of clothes and ask, "Which one you want to wear today?" and we never had fights over clothes. Although she did not pick the two options, she felt she was making a choice.

I remember Eden at the age of 5 in Texas during one of the hottest days of the summer, going to her daycare with boots and a wool sweater. Everyone asked me, "Why did you let her?" and I said, "I believe she needs to make her own choices about what to wear and she will learn from it something that words cannot teach". And she did.

We have three rules about wearing clothes:

1. They must not be torn
2. They must be clean
3. If there are uniform requirements, we follow them and do not waste energy fighting them (even though we do not like the uniform concept)

Other than that, follow your own desires, make your own choices until you find the right thing for you.

Deciding which way to travel

Every morning, when we drop Eden off at the bus station, we stand in front of the light and have two choices: we can go straight and drop Tsoof off at the bottom entrance of his school or we can turn left and drop him off at the top entrance. Every time we stand at the light, I ask the kids, "Straight or left?" and they have about 30 seconds to decide. Anything they say is good, so it has become a game. In the first weeks, it took them time to reply and I would make the choice myself, but after a while, they became so fast that they answer in a flash.

Pocket money and choice

Pocket money is a wonderful way to give kids opportunities to practice choice. They need to plan, they need to wait and they will need this skill for the rest of their life. In our family, pocket money is given as soon as the kids can count to 10. Eden was so good at it, she saved lots of money. As I was her bank, I realized she had lots of money and never used it. She was 10 years old with over $1,000 (this is what happens when you start saving when you are 2-3 years old).

I realized she was good at saving, but not good at using her money (I did not write "spending", because I do not think that using and spending at the same). I went o her and said, "Eden, I would like you to take $100 and use it to do something you love. Money is not for saving. It is for using and enjoying". She said to me, "There is nothing I need. I don't want to use it". So I realized Eden lived in a home where there was always money, she never needed anything and she had everything she wanted, so her "money-using muscle" was very weak. I tried to convince her that this was for her own good and when that did not work, I told her she had a month to use this $100 or I would take it out of her account anyway". She was angry with me and said, "This is my money. You can't do that!" That was true, but I did not reply. After two weeks, she said she wanted to have a haircut and at the end of the month, she bought herself 2 pairs of jeans. She was just 10 at the time and since then, she has used her money wisely and enjoying life very much. She is also very rich for her age with lots of savings.

See also Young Kids and Money and Ronit's Parenting Bible: Money.

Pick a party

Having a (birthday) party is a wonderful way to help kids practice choice. I know that some people are afraid of allowing kids to choose, but I think it is OK to give the kids limitations and tell them to choose within those limitations. No, you do not have to spend a fortune on it and have 150 kids in your balcony, eating just junk, but you can allow your child some freedom on their special day. You can tell your kids your limitations and then work with them. They can choose a theme, they can choose who to invite, they can choose the invitation style, they can choose whether to make a cake or to buy one (and what kind), the decorations, the goodies for the goodie bag, the games and lots more.

How to spend time

All kids must learn to manage their time. Managing time is another way of saying "choosing well how to spend your time" and this requires practice. When kids are young, their parents manage their time completely and gradually, they are asked to take more and more responsibility for this. The first thing we can do to help kids practice good time management is to give them a sense of time, which can be done even without them being able to read a watch. When they play, come to them and say, "We are going to dinner in 10 minutes", then come after 5 minutes and say, "It's a good idea to wrap things up now. We are leaving Donna's house in 5 minutes". This does not have to happen to the second, but when you do these things, you are telling the child they can choose what to do with the last 10 minutes of the game.

When the kids are older, you can say, "Would you like to do math before dinner or after dinner?" or "What is more important to you now, doing your assignment in science or finding information about the famous person you need to write about?" The questions will help the child weigh the two options and this is a very important skill.

A Choice of Entertainment

When you go to the video store, your kids probably want to take half of the videos and watch them day and night. You can say, "You can only choose one movie a week and it must be G or PG rated, but choose any movie you like".

On a 2-week school break, when your child really wants to watch 4 movies (which you are OK with the rating and everything), you can say, "We can watch one movie a week. You can pick any movie you want to see this week and one more to see next week". If you think one of the films did not get great reviews, let go. Kids enjoy different things. It is OK for them to go watch a movie and say, "It wasn't very good". Do not be tempted to say, "I told you so", because that is external pressure. You can say instead, "I'm happy you've watched this movie and that you've developed your critical thinking". Sometimes, we need to see bad movies to learn what is good and what is bad. I promise they will make better choices next time.

I believe every area of life can provide opportunities to let your kids practice choice and this requires us, the parents, to let go of our desire to control our kids and to appreciate the process that every person must go through in order to gain confidence in their ability to make decisions.

Join me next week for the next chapter of Kids' Declaration of Independence and I will share with you some techniques for making choices.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices

Independence is all about making our own choices. The choices children make are small at first, but we all know that one day they will need to make big choices and our job as parents is to help them enjoy the process and trust their own judgment.

How to give your kids choices

1. Start early. When your kids are very young, it is much easier to give them choices, because they are not sophisticated enough to notice that your choices have boundaries around them. For example, if you want them to drink their milk, you can say, "Do you want your milk in the blue cup or the green cup?" It may take more than one time to get them to realize they have a choice, but you get them to drink the milk and give them a choice at the same time.
2. Suggest instead of forcing. When Eden was only 1 year old and wanted to get her bottle from the kitchen counter, she would bring a chair and climb on it to grab it. Instead of bringing her the bottle to "save" her the trouble or freaking out she was "risking" herself, we watched her carefully to make sure the chair was stable and congratulated her on this creative way of meeting her challenge. When she struggled to each while cooking with me in the kitchen, instead of telling her to bring a chair and stand on it, I would suggest, "Maybe you can bring something to make you taller". Although I always thought she would bring a chair, she sometimes brought a big strong box or some other thing instead. Eden is 22 years old now and an excellent problem solver, which I think is a very important skill on the road to independence.
3. Do not impose your choice. Making something sound like a choice does not make it one. For example, "You have to drink the milk now. Would you please drink it?" is not a choice! It sends a message that you have no respect for your child's preferences and you are abusing your parental power. Real choice carries no artificial consequences, only natural ones, and the only one making it is the child.
4. Always give your kids choices within your boundaries. Never give choices you cannot live with, because this will start a war. For example, if it is freezing outside and you want to strengthen your kids' choice muscle regarding their clothes, do not offer them a short-sleeved shirt as an option, only two warm options. Instead of saying, "There is no way on Earth you are going to wear a dress today", which shows how powerful you are, say, "It's a cold day today. What do you think? What will be most suitable for you today, the long shirt with the bunny or the shirt with the truck? I trust your judgment". Yes, it requires you to think about what is important to you and what the boundary is. Once you figure that out, it is much simpler to find choices to suit.
5. Never give prizes for preferred choices. It is very important to present the choices as equally as possible and let the child make a real choice. When you give incentives for choosing one option, you are not really giving an options, you are bribing. When you bribe your child to choose what you prefer, that is similar to forcing. You make it hard to choose! To notice when you are doing this, pay attention to your statements. If they contain any conditions, as in, "It's your choice, you can get an A in math and I get you an iPod or you can be slack in your math and have to buy the iPod from our own money", be careful! Bribing always has a hidden threat and that hinders good decision-making, not to mention your child's trust in your.
6. Never, ever, ever criticize your kids' choices. We all make choices we think are good and none of us are fortunetellers. Choosing badly is how kids develop perspective. If they experience criticism, they learn not to trust their own judgment and when you are not there, they criticize themselves and develop a fear of failure, which is the exact opposite of independence.
7. Never say, "I told you so". When you give your kids a choice and things do not come out the way you or they expected, saying "I told you so" is another form of criticism and a sign that when you gave your child the options, you were not ready to live with consequences of their choice. This way, instead of teaching your kids to be responsible, you are teaching them to avoid responsibility. When you present the choices to your child, lose the attachment to the outcome. Let it go. Whatever happens, there is at least a lesson in it.
8. Limit the number of options. Research has found that people (grownups and kids) gets confused when the have too many choices. Giving lots of options does not make you a better parent. Instead of taking out half the things in the refrigerator and asking your kids to choose what they want to eat, take out 2 things for young children and 3-4 things for older ones. The older they are, the better they get at choosing.
9. You can give options even to a 22-year-old. When I tell people that I give my teens and even young-adult Eden choices, they find it strange. I think mainly because they think of it as a form of manipulation, while I see it as a form of respect and a way to help them learn to make choices and grow their independence. What I do is involve them in decisions that affect the entire family. Some of the decisions we make as parents affect their life greatly and I believe they should have a say. Gal and I give them the choices out of the ones we think are appropriate and let them choose the one that seems good for them. Usually it gives us a chance to talk to them about limitations, about compromise, about regrets and about how to consider different options, skills that are much better experienced than lectured.
10. Show genuine interest in your kids' opinion. It is easy. Just ask their opinion. Do not say you will do what they suggest, only that you would like to know what they think and take it into consideration. We have always asked our kids' opinion on important topics that concern all of us - moving house, the new dining room wall color, holiday destinations and activities and even how to use our money best. Sometimes, if we find that we have very different ideas about what to do, we even vote! This always gave them the feeling they are respected. We have strategies for allowing each member of the family to contribute to the decision making (even Noff who is 10 years old) and to sum up the ideas and thoughts to one choice. I believe this contributes greatly to not having conflicts between parents and kids. If you are wondering whether I like everything they do, well, no, I do not agree with all their choices and sometimes, I say, "No TV", but I always suggest (better) alternatives.

Join me next week for the third chapter of Kids' Declaration of Independence and I will share with you some ways of giving kids opportunities to choose.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities

Trish came to my life coaching deck with her partner. Ben, her partner and the father of their child, had said she needed help but he had no idea how to get it. Trish had not contacted me, had not completed the session preparations and had not even talked to me before coming, so this was an unusual session.

Trish was a beautiful young woman. Her hair was tied back and she looked tired, as if she had spent weeks crying. She was 27 years old and was preparing for her wedding. She had a one-year-old boy, a great job and ... a demon.

"Hi, Trish. Thank you for coming. What brings you here?" I asked.

She looked at Ben and started crying. I gave her the tissue box and waited. She tried very hard to stop. Every time she started saying something, tears started again and she choked. Ben held her hand and whispered, "You can do it". She looked at him and looked at me for a while before she finally started telling me her story.

After her son was born, memories of a childhood trauma had come to life. In-between sobs, she said, "At first, I thought it was a dream, but then I realized I see the same scene over and over again even when I'm awake".

"Can you please tell me what you see?" I asked.

"It is very vague... I think it had something to do with my dad... I can see myself at the age of 6 or 7 playing with another girl... She was my neighbor and we played a lot together. I think someone did something to both of us... I can see my dad screaming and having a fight with her dad... I think my dad raped both of us", she managed to say.

"Do you remember your dad doing something to you?" I asked.

"No", she said.

I asked many questions and joined some pieces of this puzzle. At the age of 7, Trish's mother left her father. Trish and her 14-year-old sister Kelly went to live with their mom and her 12-year-old brother Sean stayed with their dad. "I miss Sean a lot", Trish said.

"Wow, it's been 20 years since then. When was the last time you've seen your brother?" I asked and she started crying. Ben held her hand and after a long silence, he said, "She hasn't seen him since". Trish never knew why her mom had decided to leave her dad. Her mom had re-married, divorced and never kept contact with her son or her ex-husband, so both the girls did not know where he was. "When we asked Mom, she said that with dad like him, it's better to consider him dead".

"Do you remember your dad?" I asked her.

"I kept a photo of him and Sean that I took from one of Mom's boxes, but I have vague memoires of him. I remember that time with the neighbor's daughter, my dad was screaming and holding my hand and I remember I was scared of him. I do remember playing with Sean".

Trish left home with her mom and her older sister Kelly. Mom re-married and divorced again and after her sister moved out, Trish counted the days until she finished high school and drove with 2 other girls from her high school to another state.

"All my life, I felt like an orphan", she said, "I see Mom and my sister once a year and talk to them twice a year".

When I asked some questions about the relationship between them, I felt a bit confused. Trish talked about Kelly fondly, but expressed a lot of anger towards her mom. When I asked about the relationship between her mom and her sister, she said, "Kelly hates the whole world. She is a sad and angry woman. When you talk to her, you always think she is hiding something. I can't stand it".

Trish left home at the age of 17. "I learned to count on myself. When you don't have anyone to help you, you discover you can do many things on your own. I found a job in a law firm and I was so good they sent me to study and were very kind to me".

For ten years after leaving home, life smiled at Trish, until she gave birth to her first child...

"Suddenly, being an orphan was not OK. Kids need both of their parents", she cried. Ben kept holding her hand and supporting her. "I wanted to share with my family the joy of having a child and I couldn't. Mom and my sister have never seen our son and I was angry with my dad. I wanted to know where he was. I missed Sean and I searched all my memories and only this incident came up. No matter how hard I searched, this memory kept coming up".

At one stage, Ben said he would go to the car and be back shortly. They both looked at each other as if they had agreed he would leave her on her own. When he left, she said, "I think this memory is ruining my life. I love Ben very much. We have been together for 4 years and I avoid having sex with him now", she said.

I realized this was even more sensitive than I thought at first and added one more piece to the puzzle.

"Has anything happened between you and Ben since your son was born?" I asked.

"Oh, no, nothing. Ben is wonderful. Since our son was born, I love him even more, but I can't stop thinking about this. I feel invaded. I cry all day. Some days, I can't go to work. I think I'm losing my mind. We were planning to get married in two months and I'm not sure I can go through with it".

One more piece of the puzzle.

I explained to Trish that what she was experiencing was similar to anxiety. While anxiety is being possessed by a horrible imaginary future, Trish was possessed by a vague imaginary past. Trish was tortured. She wanted to know the truth but was afraid of that truth. It was like waiting for the phone to ring to hear some bad news.

Amazingly, most clients who face difficulties know what they have to do, they only need a little help to build up the courage to do it. I asked Trish over and over again, "What do you want?" At first, she said she did not want to remember it, she did not want to feel invaded, she did not want to reject Ben and she did not want to feel like an orphan, but in the end, she said, "I want to know what happened. I have to know what happened".

She had the right to know what had happened and by the time she left, I knew she would do anything to find out what had really happened. "I'll ask my sister. She was 14 when it happened, so she'll remember", she said.

Two weeks later, Trish came for another session, this time by herself. I could swear she looked different. She had some make up on and her hair was loose. She looked sexy. She smiled and said, "I didn't need to come, but I wanted to thank you".

It had taken Trish 3 days to call her sister. Every time Ben had asked if she had called, she had said she would do it later. On the 3^rd evening, he had said, "What do you want?" and she had picked up the phone, taken a deep breath and dialed her sister's phone number.

"Kelly was surprised to hear my voice. As soon as I heard her voice, I started crying... She sounded worried and said in panic, 'Trish, what happened?' Between sobs, I said to her, 'Remember just before Dad left something happened with the neighbor when his daughter and I were playing together? Do you know what happened there?'"

Trish had a 3-hour conversation with her sister, in which she discovered the missing pieces of her life's puzzle. While Trish was trying hard to remember, her sister spent all her life trying to forget. Trish and the neighbor's girl were very good friends and often played at each other's house. One day, the neighbor's daughter came to Trish's house and while playing, she said her dad had been touching her and telling her it was their secret and she should never tell anyone.

Trish's dad heard the girls talking and stormed out of the house. "Dad said he was going kill the neighbor", Kelly said. Trish's mom tried to stop him, but with no success. Everyone came out of the house while the two men were yelling at each other on the street. Trish's friend stood there screaming, her father grabbed her by the hand and said she was not allowed to come over to Trish's house ever again. Trish stood there and cried. Her dad grabbed her by the hand, pulled her back into the house and said she was not allowed to go over to her friend's house.

Trish never forgave her dad for not keeping it a secret and for being the reason she had lost her best friend. Not long after, her dad found out her mom was having an affair with the same neighbor. They had constant fights until one day, her mom took the two girls and left home.

"Why the two girls?" I asked. I felt the whole thing was taken out of a movie.

"Kelly said Sean was the one who saw her with the neighbor. One day at dinnertime, he couldn't keep it a secret any longer and said to Mom, 'I hate you, I hate you, I wish you were dead'. Dad was angry with him and followed him to his room to ask him to come down and apologize. When he came out of Sean's room, he was angry. He took his car keys and left the house. Mom knew Sean would never come with her".

At first, her dad tried to contact the girls, but Trish was convinced the whole thing had something to do with the incident with the neighbor and was so angry with her dad she refused to talk to him. One day, she told him on the phone, "I hate you. I wish you were dead", and he stopped calling.

I listened to her story and thought of her sister, "Why didn't she tell you what happened?" I asked, not sure it was my place to ask, but thinking that not knowing would drive me mad.

"She was angry with my friend for not keeping the secret, she was angry with Dad for revealing the girl's secret, she was angry with Sean for not keeping the secret of Mom and the neighbor, so she figured none of this would've happened if we all knew how to keep a secret..."

My heart sank. I could imagine the demons in Kelly's mind torturing her with the thought that it is better to keep things to yourself than to let them out and handle them. It reminded me of the movie The Butterfly Affect, in which every time Evan tires to fix a problem in his life, something worse happens. As a 14-year-old girl, Kelly concluded that revealing secrets would ruin her life. I tried to think of keeping a secret for 20 years. The thought of it was exhausting.

It made me realize that kids do not understand secrets. As soon as you say the word "secret", you allow demons to take over their mind and torture them for years. I looked at Trish. She had taken all the right facts and had come up with a totally different story, which made me think, "You never know what conclusions kids draw from their (painful) experiences".

Trish told me she was very busy arranging things for their wedding. "On our wedding night, Ben and I are going to get a room in a hotel in the city and Kelly is going to spend the night with our son". I realized it would be the first time Kelly would see her little nephew.

When you coach someone, you never know how far the ripple of positive change will reach. From my point of view, Kelly was the victim, the real orphan chased by secret demons of a child trying to make sense of a family chaos. "This could easily be a script for a movie", I thought to myself.

Trish left and I finished writing notes in my folder and though I would keep it a secret for a few years and then tell the whole world.

Two months later, I got an email from Ben, "Kelly flew over and spent 10 days with us helping with preparations for the wedding. She was wonderful. I've never seen Trish so happy. Thank you!"

I think this puzzle is solved.

Have a great day,
Ronit

* The names and some details have been changed to keep the privacy of the people in this story

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• How to Handle Pressure
• In My Opinion