Love is a canvas pattern furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination
- Voltaire

Love, as you probably know, is one of the most wonderful feelings. Some people claim there are only two feelings - love and fear - and every good thing in life is a form of love and all the bad things are forms of fear. A stronger version of this only recognizes one feeling - love - and all the rest is lack of love.

Whether you define love as the ultimate feeling or just an important one, there is no doubt that being loved and loving can make us the happiest ever.

In our communication with people, it is important to remember we are emotional being doing everything we can, positive or negative, to get some desired emotion. Love is an important part of our communication and it is sad so many people in the world do not feel they are loved.

In one of my courses, during the session about love, a 60-year-old woman told the group that her parents had never loved her. Imagine this for second - living for 60 years and thinking your parents do not love you! Later on, after I introduced what you are about to read, she realized her definition of love had been limited and her parents loved her dearly and we all cried together (a lot - can you imagine her relief?).

If you want to have lots of love in your life, make sure you have a broad definition of love. Making a list of 100 ways to say "I love you" will have two effects - you will be able to express more love for the people you love and you will be able to recognize when someone else expresses their love for you. There is nothing worse than growing up feeling you are not loved only because you cannot see it.

The five love languages

Gary Chapman contributed a lot to the definition of love when he published his book "The Five Love Languages". In this book, he explored the meaning of love and the ways in which people express and receive love. In other words, how people communicate love to each other. What do you know? Many of the conflicts between couples and between parents and kids are the result of having different love "languages".

Although there are many ways to express love, Chapman found that love is expressed in five major ways:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

Our feeling of love is like a tank or a battery. When it is full, we feel happy and can express love. Has it happened to you that you felt as if your batteries are charged and you are ready to conquer the world? On the other hand, has it happened to you that you did not feel loved and you lacked the motivation to do even the simplest things?

"What is love?" is a question each person answers in a different way. Because we different perceptions of the world, some things make us feel more loved than others, as if we rate other people's behavior as "more loving" or "less loving" ("If he brings me flowers, my tank fills up to 90% of its capacity", but "If she comes home late, my love tank drops to 20%").

Many conflicts in relationships happen because the way we express love seems to us like the only way love can be expressed. We give love in the way we would like to receive love. I may give "affirmations" to my partner (mom, dad, sister, one of my kids or a friend), and expect the same in return, but if they who expect and give "quality time", we will both feel we are giving without receiving until our love tanks are empty. With empty love tanks, it is hard to express love in any form. The good news is that unlike spoken languages, which may take years to learn, love languages are simple and easy to learn.

So what are those five love languages?

Words of Affirmation

Some people need to receive your love in words to fill their love tank. For them, saying "I love you" is the ultimate expression of love. In communication about love, we can hear people say "but you know I love you". Well, for the person "speaking" the Affirmation language, knowing is not enough. They must hear it or read it clearly spelled out. To show love to such a person, give them cards with nice words, tell them how wonderful they are, say to them "I love you", "You’re special", "I love it when you …" and praise them.

Quality Time

Some people need you to spend time with them in order to fill their love tank. For them, anything you do together is a sign that you love them. If being together is a challenge for you, but you do it anyway, then you love them even more. If your time is totally devoted to them without the need to share your attention with others, your love is more valuable. Going to a movie, cooking together, reading books with the kids or going on a trip are only some of the examples of what a person "speaking" the Quality Time love language will consider the best love expression.

Receiving Gifts

Some people love to receive gifts. They score the gift they receive in order to charge their batteries accordingly. Every gift makes them happy and even simple things, presented as gifts, will help them fill their tank. These people will use the gifts, admire the wrappings, cherish them and put them on display, while others will enjoy their gifts for a short time and move on to other things. They will also be the people who go shopping as a reward and shop to feel good. To show love to a person "speaking" Gifts, bring flowers, a book, a game, a pen and even a few nicely wrapped colorful pebbles.

Acts of Service

Some people measure your love by what and how much you do for them. The harder the thing you do for them, the more you love them. We are born to enjoy the services of our carers. For a person "speaking" Services, simple services like making the sandwiches in the morning, washing the dishes, taking the garbage out or making dinner can fill the love tank to the brim. When their tank is not full, people "speaking" this love language complain about doing "everything" by themselves and not being appreciated by others for their efforts.

Physical Touch

Some people need to be touched more than others do. Every physical touch, from a tap on the shoulder to passionate intimacy, fills their love tank. People "speaking" Physical Touch touch others a lot. To show them love, you can hold hands with them, kiss them, play with their hair, stand behind them and put your hands on their shoulders or massage their feet.

Each of us uses all five languages to some extent, but we generally prefer some expressions of love to others. Bear in mind, no love language is better or right. They are just different.

The best thing you can do is first accept that the people you love have a different definition of love to yours and that they may prefer to be loved in a way that is not easy or natural for you.

The second thing you can do is find out your love language(s). It will be easy for you to understand then why you prefer expressing love or receiving love in that way. If you feel you can, tell the people you love about your preference.

The third thing you can do is find out your loved ones' love languages. Asking is the easiest way. Then, show them your love in the way that fills their tank and watch them flourish.

Kids' Love Languages

Kids learn love from their carers. Because they have different carers - mom, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles - their love language(s) may be different from their parents'.

Kids' behavior is a reflection of their love tank. It is a good idea for parents to use all 5 love languages to help their kids feel loved by a any kind of expression. When a child's love tank is empty and needs some quick refilling, using the child’s primary love language will fill the tank fastest. Remember, if you do not want your kids to grow up to be 60 and think you never loved them, point out to them various expressions of love, so they learn to recognize them. This way, they will be able to feel loved regardless of how love is shown to them and they will be happy.

How to make the list of 100 ways to say "I love you"

Affirmations

• Make a list of things you like others to say to you
• Add to the list words and phrases you know make someone else happy
• Add ways to deliver your affirmations to the person you love: lunch box note, wallet, SMS, email…
• Choose poems to send or give someone you love
• Pick quotes of love you can say to someone who prefers affirmations as their love language

Quality time

• Think of things you would like to do together with each of the people you love. Remember, for a Quality Time person, even cooking and having dinner together is an expression of love. You do not have to go very far to be together.
• List things you know others are happy to do together with you. If you are not sure, ask.
• Add hobbies you can share together. The name of the "quality time" game is "together". For a Quality Time person, sharing hobbies fills up the tank quickly.
• List important events in life to attend as an expression of love: performances, award nights, birthday celebrations, graduations…
• Go over your daily life and ask yourself if you could do it together with the person you love as quality time. It is easy. For a Quality Time kid, even cleaning the house is pure joy when it is done in your company.

Gifts

• Think of gifts you would like to receive. If you are not a gift person, think of your birthdays and what you would ask for on your birthday.
• Play the game "If I had all the money in the world and I had to spend it all on buying gifts for the people I love, what would I do?" It is a nice game and brings up more than just ideas for gifts.
• The good news about a gift person is that the most important thing is not the size or the price of the gift, but the thought of giving it to them. You do not even have to buy anything. Giving something of yours or making something is also a gift. I always say that if you have a gift-loving kid, he will cherish a stone wrapped nicely. All you need to do when you come from work is say "I've brought you a gift" and bring them the nice empty box someone brought to work with cookies (of course, this only works for little kids).
• Think of small things you can give to someone you love. I have a stock of stickers, small toys and candles I can take to a gift-loving friend when I go to visit. I remember that my mum used to pick flowers from our own garden and give them to the person we went to visit. Surprisingly, because they were from our garden, they were accepted as a more valuable gift.
• Art and craft items are very good gifts. For a gift person, the thought is the most important thing, not the price or the size, so add to your list small, easy things you can make yourself to show someone you love them.

Acts of service

• For Service people, everything you do to help is a great expression of love. Think of things you would be happy if others helped you with.
• Imagine you had a genie that could do your work for you. What would you ask him to do? This will give you ideas of things you need help with.
• Think of the people you love and ask yourself what tasks they have to do that you can help them do better, faster or more easily. It is as simple as cooking one night a week if your partner is the usual cook or mowing the lawn if your partner is the one who usually mows it.
• Ask the people you love to tell you 10 things they would like your help with (if you have 10 people you love, you may already have 100 items for your list right there).
• The best act of service to add to your list is to ask "How can I help you?"

Physical touch

• What forms of touch do you like?
• Think of the people you love. How do you think they like you to touch them?
• Add hugs to your list. Did you know you need 12 hugs a day to keep the doctor away? Hugs are very important to our physical and emotional health and we need plenty of them. Add to your list to give and receive 12 hugs a day. Hugging is great, because when you give, you receive.
• Holding hands for a Physical Touch person is a great way to show love. Hold hands, even in public.
• Kissing of course means a lot more to a physical touch person. Kiss a lot!
• People often avoid touch to avoid any sexual connotations, but blowing in your kids' ear or tickling them can be funny and innocent. List body parts you can touch freely and ways you can touch without being misinterpreted.
• Touch does not have to involve the hands. My kids love to sit on us, which gives them a very close and intimate physical contact, while doing something else. Add some ways to touch without using your hands.

Wishing you a huge list of love expressions. Remember to add to your list things you can do to love yourself.

Join me next week for the list of 100 things I like about myself.

Happy listing and lots of LOVE,
Ronit

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• A Question of Identity

"What is this?" they asked excitedly.

"We are going to do some magic", I told them.

"Magic is a wonderful word", I thought to myself. I had paid lots of money to spend a very long weekend with someone, who tuned my energy reception antenna and taught me how to heal with my hands, but the kids have this healing ability naturally, and I had every intention of making sure that theirs would not fade.

The kids looked at each other in excitement. I took out a tiny bag with thousands of tiny alfalfa seeds.

"These are magic seeds", I told them and they smiled with excitement. With these kids, I lived in a magical place every day.

"What are we going to do with the seeds?" they asked and I told them we were going to plant them in my magic container.

I let them touch the tiny seeds and they giggled and took care not to drop them on the floor. We put some seeds on the two layers of my "magic" sprouting container, covered them with a third layer and then brought some water to water them. The kids took turns watering the seeds.

"Now what?" one of them asked.

"Now we make the magic", I told them, "Yesterday, I went to a seminar and there was a pretty old lady there with white hair. She said to us that kids have magic in their hands. If someone is hurt, you just put your hand on them and it sends energy and heals their pain. So today, we are going to use your small hands to make magic. I want you all to put your hands on top of the container and send energy and love to the tiny seeds to help them grow".

They all smiled and looked at their tiny hands.

We held our hands on top of the container and they were all excited.

Every 10 minutes, the kids went back to check the container to see if the magic had started.

The morning after, I told them we probably need more energy for the magic to happen and we all stood there with our palms facing the seeds and wishing for the seeds to grow.

After 3 days of Reiki-ing the seeds in the sprouting container, small sprouts started growing. A group of 3-year-olds were shouting and screaming, "It worked! The magic worked!" They saw the magic in front of their astonished eyes.

A week later, some mothers came and asked what had happened and why their kids were convinced that they had magic in their hands. I told them that whenever one of the kids is hurt, all the rest rush to put their hands on the painful place and everyone is calm and happy.

These kids will forever believe in the healing power of their touch. Is this not magic?

I like being a magician!

I encourage you to try this at home and watch the magic happen,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• I Believe in Miracles. Do You?
• Mom, I’m Sick

Last week, after posting Self Esteem Mini-Course (part 6), I got this comment from Chuck Bluestein referring to his post called What Causes a Lack of Self-Esteem in Americans. According to Chuck, the lack of physical touch in infants is the source of the problem.

Well, Chuck, I agree with you that physical touch is essential for kids' physical and emotional growth. I even think that parents who think they are "spoiling" their babies by holding them in their hands are being unreasonable. Yes, babies needs to be hugged and touched, but the real problem in our society starts when they grow a bit and Mom and Dad think it is inappropriate to touch them anymore. It reached a stage where grown-ups who lived together in the same house for years shake hands when they see each other. I try from time to time to imagine my kids as grown-ups. I have changed their diapers! I cannot imagine myself shaking their hands when they become parents. Since they were babies, I have hugged them and said, "I can hug you and love you as much as I want".

However, Chuck, I do not believe that "hearing" about something can convince people to behave in any way. People have heard everything there is to hear, they have all the knowledge in the world but it just does not sink in, because of the many filters they have added to their identity over the years. This is neither right nor wrong, it is just a fact. We go through life and come up with filters that help us survive.

And I still think there is no such a thing as "the right way" (I think Special Education professionals are "programmed" to react like this to the terms "right" and "wrong"). People always choose what seems to be the right way at the time. Not one ever says, "Well, here are 7 options for raising kids, let me pick the wrong one"…

I love Mr. Miyagi from "Karate Kid" and I think I would have said, "When the student cannot understand something, it is only because the teacher did not present it properly", but bad teachers? I do not think there are any. No teacher on Earth ever becomes a teacher in order to damage kids. No teacher ever says, "Well, I have 7 ways (I love the number 7) to teach, let me choose the lousiest one". Teachers (and parents are teachers too) teach the best way they can. We need to give them more strength, more confidence, more support and no judgment.

Chuck says, "This lack of self-esteem is not because American parents do not love their kids. It is because they never learned how to raise infants. The way that kids are raised now is described in the book, Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem by Gloria Steinem (1992). This tells how children are alive to serve the parents and the parents are perfect and always right and it goes on and on".

I agree with Gloria Steinem that most parents have never learned how to raise infants, but they have never learned how to raise toddlers or teens either, they have never learned how to establish a relationship with a partner or take care of their finances or do home maintenance, although they have to do it all their life. What is new about that?

I would like to suggest that you take all the Amer-Indians, put them in the middle of a busy city and see how much self-esteem they will have there. Kids who grow in a small community with a different dynamic can continue to raise their kids the same way for over 100,000 years.

The kids we have today, the kids whose parents have Internet connections and go on the computer to read the great posts you and I write, live in a super fast world with changes every day, all day. Even if they wanted to keep their life the same way for a week, they could not do it.

When you say 100,000 years, it is funny. My 6-year-old just came back from school, excited that she had learned how to change the colour of text in Microsoft Word. My husband than told her he had met his first computer at university and we had our first computer at home when he was 26. In just a short time, life has changed for all of us. Do you think that, if we wanted, we could say, "Nah, I do not like this life. Too many changes. I want to go back to living like 100,000 years ago"?

As much as I believe that touch is important, I want you to know there are kids who cannot stand the feeling of being touched all the time (and Chuck, there is nothing wrong with these kids). You are describing a community of people who are kinesthetic and benefit from physical touch, but this does not mean that everyone does.

Some kids who will cry if you put them in a sling, because they will feel limited, whereas others will feel warm and safe. I have three kids and each is different in their need for touch. I find that natural. Yes, physical touch contributes to people's self-esteem, but I wish they could have remembered the hugs they got in their infancy. I wish there was a tank of hugs and touch that they could carry with them to adulthood. It is wishful thinking but far from being real. People need hugs and physical touch all the time - infants, toddlers, teens, parents, growth-ups, old folks - everybody. There is magic in the infant years, but hugs are not that magic.

If you believe that whenever the baby cries it is because he is in pain, you might find it hard and painful to raise kids. Kids cry as a form of expression. This is what they know and it is very good that they cry. Life is beautiful, but not if we immediately give them their desires all the time. They are just babies learning about life. Kids are not servants, nor are their parents. Everyone in this life wants to satisfy their needs and sometimes, there are conflicts of interest. For example, kids want to sleep in your bed and you want to make love to your partner tonight. Oops, what is more important now, your feeling of love, your partner's feeling of love or your kids' feeling of love? In every conflict of interest, parents are just a little bit more experienced than their babies are. Just as on planes, they tell you to put your mask on first when there is an emergency, it only makes sense to me that with self-esteem, you would do the same. Your kids will certainly learn to live by doing what you do, so teach them to take care of themselves by taking care of yourself.

If you teach kids that when they are not being held, they are not loved, you are teaching them the most horrible thing. The best thing is to tell them that they are loved no matter what and that there are many ways to express love and physical touch is only one of them. I hope no kid in the world will adopt this way of thinking, because we are not held most of our life, and life would be miserable if touch was the only way to express love.

Teen depression is not caused by not being hugged and touched in infant years but because parents think it is valuable to touch their kids when they are cute babies, but when the cuteness disappears, the hugs and the physical affection disappear with it. Many teens do not get touch from anyone close to them.

So Chuck, as much as I think that touch is essential for people's growth and wellbeing and as much as I think the early years are crucial, I do not agree that this alone is the source of self-esteem in people, although I wish you were right!

Happy ongoing parenting is the answer,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• To Teach Is To Touch a Life Forever
• Happiness!

Some truly touching stories were told to us, like a grandmother, whose grandson had been in an accident in the country and had been flown into Brisbane to save his life. She said, "Oh, I needed a hug so much. Thank you!"

As always, we had huggers from all shapes, sizes, ethnic origins and denominations, and the more we hugged, the more we got excited by the warmth and intimate human contact.

Here it is. See for yourself. To join our hug campaign, contact us.

Emotional Video

Upbeat Video

You may want to read

• A Gift of Gratitude: When Giving Is Receiving
• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart

Sometimes, the appreciation of what we have in life is the only thing we need in order to paint our life in bright colours. It is as if the greatest way to overcome stress and distress or to stop taking life for granted is to look at our life and notice all the good stuff.

As part of the Be Happy in LIFE mission, we dedicate much of our time to learn and teach happiness and, let me tell you, some of the lessons are amazing and strong, much like the one I want to share with you here.

Last year, we took on the streets of Brisbane to hug people and spread the message of “12 hugs a day”. It was a great personal growth experience for us and for all the hundreds of people we hugged in our FREE Hugs campaign. We went there to give free hugs and we never expected to receive so much from this journey.

A few months ago, we were contacted by the Brisbane City Council to take part in an event for homeless people at Brisbane City Hall . We were asked to stretch our arms and hug people who were less fortunate at a special event to help homeless people reconnect with society. The woman who organised this event, called Homeless Connect, was thrilled when we said we‘d be happy to take part.

It was a weekday. Many volunteers, dressed in event T-shirts, filled the halls. We were advised to come around 11:30 “After they take a shower”. Over 500 homeless people went into the different sections of the building to use the various services that had been organised for them. Each one was escorted by a volunteer to the doctor's room, the showers, the hairdresser, the food and coffee area, the clothing “shop”, the book area, the job placement desk, the legal aid desk and to the many other organisations that were there to help them.

Three of us – Eden, Gal and I – stood there, holding signs saying “FREE Hugs”. A young student named Lina joined us too, to our surprise. We hoped that the homeless people, who probably needed touch more than anybody else, would come and get a hug from us, even if there was no point talking to them about getting 12 hugs a day.

At first, only the volunteers came for a hug, while many others watched and waited. Slowly, people came closer. You see, people who do not have a home, who live on the street or at friends' houses, don't get many hugs. The sad part was that they didn't think they deserved to be hugged. Many of them looked at us surprised, as if asking “Do you really want to hug me?!” But the volunteers, who escorted them, encouraged them to come and receive a hug.

They were no simple hugs. They were longer hugs. The homeless people came hesitating, not sure if they were giving or receiving. They held us tight and stood there for a long time, some with tears in their eyes, saying “Thank you, Thank you!” Then they looked at us and walked backwards with a grateful smile. Some followed us wherever we went and others brought their friends. “He is shy, he really wants a hug”, they said and used the opportunity to get another hug for themselves. One elderly man stood next to us and said, “This is a wonderful thing. You've made my day.” Brave ones asked if they could get another one.

Many volunteers said to us, “It is wonderful to have you here” and we felt great to make a difference to so many homeless people, but when I looked around I realised I was there for me more than for them. I only had to look.

A pregnant 15- or 16-year-old girl came to us for a hug. Old people were standing next to the bookstall, picking a book to read, and the clothing area was full of warm clothes and people holding many bags full of socks and blankets. The food area was full of people and next to the doctor's room was a young woman with a baby and I couldn't stop thinking about the electric blankets I had bought for the kids recently and felt bad about it.

A skinny young homeless girl stood next to us. “What are you doing?” she asked and Eden and Lina told her we were there to hug everyone who wished to receive a hug. She smiled. “Can I stand here with you?” she asked and they both said “Sure! Come, hold a sign”.

She stood there, giggling, while people came and hugged her. She looked at us, proud and surprised. “They hugged me!” she said excitedly. After 10 minutes, she asked to take the sign and walk around with it and off she went.

“Mum”, Eden said, “Aren't we lucky?”

I looked at Lina and Eden. They were the same age as the homeless girl with the sign. Lina's mum sat on one of the chairs, waiting for her daughter, while she was hugging homeless people. I hoped she was proud, proud as a peacock.

I realised that while I was there to give, I received one big lesson in life. If things happen for a reason, then the reason I was there was to appreciate what I have and I only had to look around to realise how much I had. I looked at my daughter, feeling fortunate she was willing to give her afternoon to hug strange homeless people. Just 18 years old and already has the gift of gratitude and the understanding that when you give you receive.

“Yes, we are lucky!” I said. It was a good lesson.

We left City Hall at 1:30. The young girl was still standing there with our sign, giving hugs to people walking by. I looked at the hall, full of volunteers and homeless people. I was honoured to have taken part in this event. I had given over 200 hundred hugs that day (pity they couldn't save a few for rainy days), but received much more. I said, “Thank you!” and went home .

As you read this blog on your quest for happy life, look around you. See the walls, the ceiling, your bed, your clothes, remember your last hot shower, your Internet connection and all the other things you are so used to seeing every day. Aren't you lucky to have them?

May the Force be with you,
Ronit

You may want to read

• FREE HUGS for Christmas 2007
• Make a list: Ways to be kind
• Make a list: What I like about me

I have my doubts about convincing any person, but I am sure that being an educator is the best job ever.

When I work with my clients on Needs and we get to the stage where they understand the need to make a difference in the world, I understand again why a teacher fulfills this need every time he or she goes to work.

Unfortunately, many people think that teachers are a conduit of knowledge. They take knowledge from one side, chew it and hand it to the students in an easy way. Teachers, on the other hand, see their work in a more purposeful way. To them, teaching is a facilitation of change. Teachers are there to help their students grow and evolve. They are there to help their students design their identity by learning.

For a teacher, teaching another grammar point or another math concept is nowhere near the excitement and fulfilment of teaching to develop a positive attitude or good habits. You see, it is hard to make a difference in the world by teaching multiplication, but easy by teaching ways to learn. It is hard to make a difference by teaching to read, but easy when the reading is about friendship. For teachers, knowledge is only a tool to teach attitude.

We learn math not to be able to go to the supermarket, but to be able to stimulate our thinking. We learn to read not to be able to sign a document but to be able to read about love, excitement, motivation and characters. We learn science not to be able to get great grades but to appreciate the world around us.

Teachers have that in mind every time they get up in the morning and pack their lunch to go to work. Their students' well-being and education is far more important to them than the grades on their report card.

I am not my kids' teacher at school and I told them from the first day they went to school, "I wish you a teacher that recognizes his or her profession as a mission. I wish you a teacher who will help you carve who you are and will stay in your memory as someone who meant a lot to you and was there to love you and help you be the person you wanted to be".

I consider myself lucky, because I have been touched by many teachers, especially when I studied special education. The years when I was deeply inspired by those who define edcuation as a tool to change the world.

Remember that your child's education is much more than the grades on his or her report card and look for those teachers who are there with the vision of touching your child forever.

You may want to read

• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• Happiness!
• Raising Grownups

Depression statistics

• Australian depression statistics are comparable to those of the US and the UK

• 15% of the population of most developed countries suffers severe depression

• Depressive disorders affect approximately 9.5% of the population aged 18 and older in any given year. This includes major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder and bipolar disorder

• Pre-schoolers are the fastest-growing market for antidepressants. At least 4% of preschoolers are clinically depressed

• The rate of increase of depression among children is an astounding 23% per year

• 30% of women are depressed. Men's figures were previously thought to be half that of women, but new estimates are higher

• 54% of people believe depression is a personal weakness

• 41% of depressed women are too embarrassed to seek help

• 80% of depressed people are not currently having any reatment

• 15% of depressed people commit suicide

• Depression will be the second largest killer after heart disease by 2020

• Studies show that depression is a contributory factor to fatal coronary disease

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something
– from the movie “Crash”

When I read the statistics about depression, it really made me depressed. Realizing that one day in our lives, we will be affected by depression, our own or someone else’s in our family, is pretty shocking, don’t you agree?

For a while, I’ve been thinking of ways to motivate my readers to live an inspiring life that will make a difference. Many people think that the way we can make a difference is by doing big things and I think we need to re-define the meaning of “big”. I think we can make a difference, a big difference, by changing the depression statistics in the world. One person at a time, we can teach how to put happiness in our hearts and chase away the darkness. And you are probably asking yourself, “And how do we do that with no budget, without the support of the government and without organizing ourselves in a formal way?” And I say we can do this by changing our own life and surroundings and, like a ripple effect, spread the word and make this world a better place for ourselves and our children.

I believe the reason depression is on the rise is because touch is on the drop. Babies get touched a lot from the day they are born, but every year of their life they are touched less and less. Some people think it’s inappropriate to hug a teenager or their parents, so they shake hands instead. Most people's lifestyle is more stressful and includes fewer opportunities for physical contact than ever before. Twenty years ago, teachers used to hug and touch their students and that was fine with parents. Touch was a sign of caring. Nowadays, concerns about sexual harassment and inappropriate touching make people overly cautious and reluctant to touch others. As a result, many of us find ourselves starved for simple, casual, warm touch from our families, friends and colleagues.
There's a whole new field now called psychoneuroimmunology, or PNI for short. It claims that when you feel good and you love yourself and you're being touched and you feel loved, your immune system gets stronger. Touching builds up the immune system (they now call this “libidinal refuelling”). When you hug somebody, you literally recharge your and the other person’s libido, the powerful energy of the body.

New studies point to touch therapy as a way to overcome medical conditions, such as osteoarthritis and depression. Studies indicate that touch has a beneficial effect on our perception of pain, treatment of disease, as well as emotional and physical development. After touch therapy, like massage, there's a slow-down in the action of the hypothalamic area of the brain, which controls the “fight or flight” response. Your body's stress hormones drop and endorphins climb, leading to a decreased perception of pain and a greater feeling of well-being. If the touch comes from someone you have positive feelings about, like a friend, partner or loved one, you get the added benefit of a heightened sense of love and security. Sex, for that matter, is great touch therapy. Have sex a lot!

In a research on the effects of touch, librarians were instructed alternately to touch and not touch the hands of students as they handed back their library cards. The students were then interviewed. Those who had been touched reported far greater positive feelings about themselves, the library and the librarians than those who had not been touched. This occurred even though the touch was brief and the students didn't even remember it!

I’ve been trying this with my clients for a long time and could see the enormous effect of hugs on their success. Some clients have managed, by adding more touch into their life, to stay off their anti-depressants and regain the control of their life, a small addition, which made a big difference.

Hugs can bring a great sense of connection and belonging into your life. They’re free and within reach. When you give, you also receive and all you need is 12 hugs a day for good emotional health. The Be Happy in LIFE Hug Coupon can help you when you need a hug - just show it to another person and request a hug in exchange for the coupon. Tell them to "cash" it when they need a hug and pass it on.

People with a touch deficit behave like porcupines. They reject touch and get into a cycle of disconnection and loneliness. We can’t count virtual hugs (all you people sitting in front of the computer, beware) and we can’t use hugs from yesterday to compensate for lack of hugs today. There is no such thing as Hug Credit! But simply counting your hugs every day will help keep you aware of the importance of touch. Better yet, it’s contagious!

We, at Be Happy in LIFE, want to stretch out our arms to you for a big world hug (remember: when we give, we receive) and send out 12 hugs to you with wishes for a wonderful year of being in touch with yourself, with nature and with the people around you.
Please forward this article to as many people as you can to make our world hug as big as possible (you still need 12 real hugs).

Hugs are a simple way to make a difference and make this world a better place. If everyone gives (and at the same time gets) 12 hugs a day and encourage all your hugged ones to do the same, all you, mathematicians, can calculate how fast we can make the world a better place.

Be happy in life!

Lots of hugs,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Happiness!
• Hugging Babies is Not Enough
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.