Some of the points were inspired by Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, a highly recommended book Ronit and I have been reading and discussing lately. Other points were just inspired by life.

Armed police

I like to watch TV series and movies about police investigations. Maybe it is because I like how they figure things out and I want to believe there are good, capable people out there protecting us.

In many of these films and shows, there are many guns and a lot of shooting, and more often than not, the bad guys have a much better arsenal. In the end, the rogue cop with the pistol outsmarts them and saves the day with just a few well-aimed shots and we all have a big satisfied smile on our faces.

Life is a little bit different.

The people who are in biggest danger in Israel are weapon-carrying soldiers. They are the ones getting killed and hurt and it is mostly for their weapons. Some terrorists ignore other defenseless people and target soldiers with guns. In fact, many of the soldiers who are killed on the roads are shot with their own weapon. Basically, in a war-ridden area like Israel, it is safer not to carry a gun.

Graph courtesy of the Gun Control Network

In England, police officers carry batons and whistles. Their main weapons while fighting crime are their wits and their authority. The rate of crime involving shooting in England is much lower than in the USA, where there is an arms competition between the criminals and the police. In fact, the rate of "firearms offenses" is dropping dramatically in England and Wales due to this approach.

The level of gun ownership world-wide is directly related to murder and suicide rates and specifically to the level of death by gunfire
- Professor Martin Killias, International Correlation between gun ownership and rates of homicide and suicide

So theoretically, if we give more guns to the good guys, they will be able to keep themselves alive and protect us better. In reality, the criminals always have more and better guns, because they feel the same way about protecting themselves.

The solution, however counter-intuitive, is to have no guns. Go figure.

I'm gonna get you!

Say you have something of value and another person damages it. Your first instinct, most likely, is to chase that person and give them a decent flogging.

Unfortunately, when you do that, your brain switches to emotional override mode. You are carried away by your rage, which seems to be valid by virtue of the injustice just caused you, so you stop at nothing. You see only one thing in front of you - the horrible, faceless creature that has caused you harm. You feel no pain, no fatigue and no sympathy, only righteous anger. You chase and chase and then you catch and hurt (physically or verbally, it does not matter).

When it is all over, you wake up from your daze and find the ruins, the other people that got hurt in the process and the overly harsh punishment you have just inflicted on another human being who may have just made a mistake.

It seems that same thing happens to the police. When psychologists interviewed officers after various car chases, they heard the same story over and over again - "I had this adrenaline rush", "I have no idea how fast I was going", "I could see the suspect clearly, but I don't know what else happened (What red light? What pedestrian? What truck?)"

After stopping the hapless offender, police officers made serious judgment errors, ignored proper protocol and even killed or seriously hurt suspects when they were already following their instructions. Some police departments have decided to forbid their officers from giving chase after realizing the extent of damage they were causing.

Again, in this strange world of ours, letting someone get away is sometimes a better choice. With a clear mind, we may reassess the damage and shrug it away or we may find a way to get even. Either way will be better than a chase.

Explaining away our reasons

In a research, supermarket shoppers were given a variety of jams to taste. They had no problem listing their favorites. When compared to a taste-test done with food experts, the results were pretty much the same.

The researchers then asked the experts to explain their choice of jams and got back a list of factors, which they gave to some more shoppers to guide their jam ranking process. The shoppers changed their choices drastically, placing the previous winner near the bottom of the list.

In a dating research, psychologists compared what people specified as their preferred qualities in a partner to the qualities of the ones they felt good about after a brief speed-dating event. Not only was there little correlation between these selections, they were sometimes the exact opposite.

What seems to happen to us is that we make many choices using criteria we are not aware of. When asked to explain our choices or to plan for the best selection, we can only come up with certain things, which often have nothing to do with our ultimate choice.

If you have ever tried to teach something you understand well and gotten stuck, you know how difficult it is. Somehow, many things become clearer when we practice them (playing an instrument, karate, dancing, etc), but there are no words involved and no definitions. Matching those skills with a good description can be surprisingly tough, even when we have mastered the skills.

So next time someone asks you, "Why do you feel this way?" it is OK to answer, "I don't know. I just do", because If you try to explain, your reasons may change.

The breach (in the wall) invites the thief

This is an old Jewish proverb, advising folks to keep their houses in good repair so as not to tempt passing thieves with the view of what is inside. Sure seems like a good idea, right?

Well, many of us in modern Western society have taken this advice and sealed themselves tightly in - they have built taller and stronger fences, planted trees that block the view, reinforced their doors and installed alarm systems for good measure. They are not sure how many thieves live in their neighborhood. They do it just in case there are any.

In the meantime, friends who come to visit them press a button, wait outside for a while, get looked over through a camera or interrogated through an intercom system, open the door for themselves when they hear a loud and unpleasant buzz and walk themselves in.

Those who are not invited, missionaries and new neighbors alike, are treated with suspicion. Who are you? What do you want?

While on the street, without the protection of solid walls, like has become dangerous. We try to hide our possessions, keep all our valuables where we can feel them and watch everyone carefully. Who knows? They may be thieves…

The social revolution

Our 15-year-old son Tsoof is doing an assignment on public art. He chose to focus on social media, particularly on the effects of digital social interaction on relationships and friendships. We have had some wonderful discussions at home on this subject, which yielded the following topsy-turvy distinctions.

• While our face-to-face friends must live close to where we live in order to sustain our relationship, our digital friends can be anywhere in the world and still be connected to us.
• We can have more digital friends than we can have face-to-face friends.
• Face-to-face interactions take a long time. It is not worth driving 20 minutes to see a friend for 5 minutes and then drive back. Therefore, face-to-face meetings can only happen when we can fit them in. Digital interactions can take seconds and happen any time. In fact, they can happen in one-sided bursts of seconds over a long period (via email, chat, etc).

On the other hand:

• There is a wealth of intuitive information in a personal encounter, which cannot be transmitted online, not even through video. My dad feels I ignore him when we talk on Skype, perhaps because of the high angle of my webcam, which makes me appear like I am looking down at the keyboard, and this gets in the way of intimacy.
• Intimacy is built in relationships over time and in stages. When people live near each other and see each other in natural situations, they learn to trust the same behavior when they see it in the relationship. Online, almost nothing is natural and therefore, it is hard to build deep trust.
• Physical rapport is an intuitive way to make another person feel like we understand them. Professional sales people, psychologists and life coaches learn how to use it deliberately to create the best atmosphere, but we all do it naturally. When all we see is text, physical rapport is impossible. Even when we see the other person's face and shoulders, but we cannot see them bouncing their knee under the desk, something is seriously missing and we always feel some kind of emotional disconnect or barrier.

  

• The more relationships we have, the less time we can spend on each of them. This is just simple math. The less time we spend with someone, the less they feel valuable to us and the less we feel valuable to them.
• Being inundated with contacts and updates about our various contacts can be overwhelming to the point where we might consider it a nuisance. But since relationships are meant to be nourishing and energizing, not bothersome, this overload might make isolation seem like a false blessing.
• In many cases, social media activity is more about the number of "friends" listed on our profile than about the relationships we have with them. It is a competition, even with our real friends, which then starts to dominate our offline interactions with them and take over our entire life.

Like I said, it is a weird world out there, full of tradeoffs wherever we go.

Have a wonderful day,
Gal

You may want to read

• Quid Pro Quo (2)
• How Life has Changed
• Topsy Turvy World (4)

Following heavy rains, many places in Queensland were flooded in the past couple of weeks. Floodwater rose higher than roof height in some places, inundating businesses, farms and many homes. As you can see from the photo, main streets became rushing rivers, carrying cars, parts of homes and various other things with them, uprooting trees and soaking property beyond repair.

We live on a hill about 10km from the Brisbane River. We have had heavy rains for a few weeks now and our yard is very wet, but as we hardly follow the news, our first indication of trouble in our own city was when our friends and family members started emailing and calling us to ask if we were OK.

Once it was clear we should be paying more attention, we turned the TV on and watched the reports coming in from every direction, including amateur footage taken on mobile phones and telephone interviews with survivors and rescue operators.

This morning, I heard an old man tell the story of his rescue from Grantham, a city that was completely flooded and from which some people are still missing.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my daughter who lives in Loganlea. She was watching the police website on the Internet and saw the flood coming towards Grantham. She then got on to Emergency Services and asked them to evacuate the town and send helicopters to rescue people, but they didn't believe her.

She finally managed to get them convinced, but by that time, the water had already broken into our house. My wife and I climbed on top of the counter, said the Lord's Prayer and watched the water rising and rising.

As the water reached our feet, my daughter called on the mobile phone, because landlines were all down by then, and told us to hang on, because helicopters were on their way.

If it wasn't for my daughter, many people would have died in that flood.

[Transcribed from memory]

He went on to describe how people were sheltering their friends and relatives and how a friend had lent him a brand new Toyota Landcruiser so he could drive himself and his wife to their other daughter's home away from the flood.

A natural disaster like this puts many of our daily conflicts and relationship issues in perspective. If there is anyone in your life who is a source of friction and bad feelings, would you rather they were swept away by murky water or will you do everything in your power to save them?

One of the great things a mayor of one of the flooded towns said on the news was, "It's great to see friends helping friends, strangers helping strangers and people who have not spoken for years sitting together in a flood shelter and comforting each other".

So let us be nice to our kids. Just in case. And let us keep in touch with our parents, siblings and friends. Do we really need disasters to remind us how valuable they are?

Happy times,
Gal

You may want to read

• Degrees of Intimacy
• More Control – Less Power
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques

It has been an awesome year for us. We were very proud and happy that our daughter Eden, our happy thought, joined us in writing this year. We have had many personal achievements at work, in our relationships and with our kids. The only wish we have for ourselves is that next year will be even better. Better is a good formula for a happy life.

We want to thank all of the 150,000 readers we have had this year and give special thanks to all those who have posted comments, shared their opinions and contributed to the community of parents and educators around this blog. Whatever your personal views, we love to read them and engage in a discussion on the important aspects of parenting with you.

We want to thank our faithful subscribers at Be Happy in LIFE, our great life coaching and parenting clients, our friendly colleagues and our awesome suppliers.

You all make our work worth the effort and help us live our dream of contributing to a conscious society, living with purpose and love and flying the flag of happiness. "Happyism" is a lifestyle we want to spread in our society. We want to thank all the readers and all those who pass the word around. Together, we can make a difference.

Gal, Eden and I would like to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. May The Force be with you and make this festive season your opportunity to strengthen your family bonds and relationships.

May the hope that comes with every new beginning carry you through challenges and help you find the strength you have inside to overcome every obstacle and look forward with confidence and determination.

May you take care of your precious body, which is your vehicle to experience this life, and may health be with you forever.

May you find the courage to follow your dreams, get off the Ferris wheel of life and live more consciously, with purpose, with meaning and with the belief that you deserve a good and happy life.

May you be surrounded by friends and family during the holiday season and feel that you belong and that there are people around you who care for you and love your company.

May you seek and find happiness.

This is our last post for 2010.

We will see you back here on the 10^th of January 2011. We hope you will not be waiting long for the next post, because you will be busy having fun with your family and friends.

Until next year, remember that family matters and making your family happy matters most!

Be happy in life!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Lessons in Patience
• The Cost of Happiness
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

"Last night, I picked up my 15-year-old daughter from a party. I'm one of the rare parents who still come to pick their kids up. The rest takes a taxi", she complained, "When I arrived, there were lots of police cars around".

"Did anything bad happen?" I asked, worried.

"Oh, no, that's usual. Every time she goes to a party, someone does silly things and the police arrive".

My 20-year-old daughter and my 14-year-old son had never participated in a party where the police arrived, so I asked her, "What do you mean by 'silly things'?"

"You know teens - they were drinking", she said.

"Sorry, I guess don't know", I apologized, "Why would 15-year-olds be at a party where drinks are served?"

"Most of the time, the parents are there and they supply the drinks, but sometimes, they make it a BYO - bring you own - and the kids bring their own drinks."

"Why would anyone do that?" I asked, pretty shocked, "What do you do for her parties?"

"I don't provide alcohol, but I allow them to bring their own" she said.

"But they are minors", I said.

"Well, if they bring their own, it's not my responsibility", she said.

Boy, did she get that wrong.

A while ago, when I ran a workshop on the Gold Coast, I met Belinda, who worked for the local government's drug and alcohol unit. She told me about new rules that had just come out, which put more responsibility on adults for underage substance abuse. When I came home after my conversation with Jill, I called Belinda and asked her about the regulations.

Belinda was happy to send me the new regulations and I was shocked to discover (again) that the law, which is meant to protect us and, in this case, our kids, is impotent.

The regulation states adults who supervise minors are held responsible, but if they serve soft drinks together with the alcohol, serve food and stay sober themselves, they cannot be charged. They can only be charged if something goes wrong.

What a stupid law! The responsibility is active only if something goes wrong.

I asked Belinda, "What protects my son at a party when his friend's parents serve kids alcohol and nothing goes wrong (no stupid things, no one goes to hospital or calls the police)? What part of the law makes sure he does not drink without my permission? What in the regulations tries to prevent peer pressure to drink?"

"Nothing", said Belinda, "Absolutely nothing!"

In a commercial setting, the penalties for selling alcohol without a license or to a minor are huge and every person who works at a pub or "licensed" restaurant must complete a course called "Responsible Service of Alcohol", in which they must learn all the relevant regulations. Getting a commercial alcohol license costs a fortune and is continually monitored by the government. Yet, there is no law against providing alcohol free of charge to minors or allowing minors under your supervision to drink.

WHAT?!

I protest!

I think the only thing that works to my advantage is the belief that no reasonable parent will take the risk that something wrong might happen under his supervision and the strong belief that I can teach my kids MY definition of responsibility, which is very different from "Don't get caught".

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Teen Drinking Party
• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence

Jim, the neighbor sharing our back fence, rang this week to ask if we would share the cost of replacing the fence that separates our back yards. He was very polite and patient, but made it clear he wanted to put up a "good fence".

We have been living at the same address for the past 6 years. During that time, we have had little contact with most of our neighbors. Kids do not play on our street, even though it is a quiet side street, the weather is great, there is enough room and there are enough kids. The people on our street have never invited us to home events and when we organized them, some neighbors chose not to turn up. In fact, we have seen the inside of only 3 homes and spent some time only in 1.

This particular neighbor has 2 kids who like to bounce on their trampoline in the back yard. Sometimes, they play cricket together there. Sometimes, their family sits outside with friends for a barbeque.

But not once did he look over our shared fence to say "Hi". Not once did his kids invite my kids to play or bounce. Not once did he call us about anything friendly human beings might call one another about just to be friendly.

Instead, he and his family kept to themselves and were apparently bothered by their back fence being too low and too exposing.

From what I could see through the fence, by the way, there are no big treasures in Jim's back yard, and his house looks pretty normal. It is also quite impossible to see anything inside the house that makes a difference.

Now, Jim wants to completely block our ability to see his house, he does not want to see ours and he wants us to pay half of the cost of doing this. Arrrrgh!

[To get the full effect of how I feel about it, here is a picture of me pulling my hair out at this point and making a really frustrated face]

If you think this is now happening between neighbors only, guess again. A survey of Australian families has found that (are you still sitting down?) in 70% of them, parents communicated with their kids via social networking sites. There is now a cute video campaign teaching mothers how to be good participants in social sites and how not to embarrass their kids with their contributions.

Can you imagine a metal fence built between the master bedroom and the kids' area in your house? How about splitting the living room with a nice wooden one?

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy
- Jim Rohn

As if these are not enough, our family recently attended a concert, in which Tsoof sang in a choir. The concert took place in a beautiful hall and was the culmination of 4 intensive days of music during the State Honours Ensemble Program.

We were so proud, we could burst. Not only did we bring a camera, we were going to capture every second Tsoof would be on stage.

Then, the program director spoke and said, among other things, "Due to privacy regulations, there will be no video shooting during the concert. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation in this matter".

"Come again?! Are you telling me we cannot save any memories of this MUSIC concert, where there is little to see and everything to hear, without video? Are you saying my wonderful boy rehearsed his @55 off for 4 days and will not be able to see himself singing on stage? Are you mad?"

You see, this is all because there was no way to erect enough fences on that stage so each parent could only capture his or her own child. Some creeps have used photos of children to pray on them and now, parents the world over are forbidden from taking photos and videos of their own offspring unless they are there by themselves?

What?!

[Never you mind what I did in the end and don't go telling anyone, either…]

So I call upon you, parents of the world, to unite in getting human contact back in fashion, to reclaim our right of free offspring documentation, to share cups of sugar and return washed dishes to one another, while swapping recipes for those-lovely-cookies-you-gave-us-when-we-first-moved-in.

There are no good fences and fences do not make good neighbors. Good neighbors are the ones who like other people. They are the ones who think the world is a nice place and want their kids to play with your kids.

Get out there, I say, look people in the eye, greet your neighbors in person, snap a photo of them smiling and give them a printed copy the old fashioned way, because this is real. And talk to your kids and hug them and ask them about their day to their face, not their Facebook.

Phew, that was good. I have vented.

Are you with me?
Gal

You may want to read

• Sharing and Caring
• Degrees of Intimacy
• More Control – Less Power

When I mention intimacy to people, many of them immediately think of romance and physical closeness, but this is only a borrowed meaning. In fact, many sexual relationships have little or no intimacy in them, while other relationships are based on deep spiritual bonding without any physical contact whatsoever.

In a family, some relationships are chosen for us (parents, siblings and extended family), while we get to choose the others (spouse and kids). Either way, the degree of intimacy in a relationship determines its quality and importance for us, not the kind of relationship. In a sense, when we rate a relationship as "good", it is because there is enough intimacy in it for us.

Self Concept (or Self Image)

Human beings become aware of themselves at a very early age, maybe even before birth. From that point onwards, they start to develop their self concept, which is how they perceive themselves.

Sometime later, every person recognizes other people and begins to socialize with them. During the stage, 3 self concepts emerge:

1. Current perception of myself - what I believe to be true about my physical appearance, character, abilities and so on.
2. Desired perception of myself - what I wish was true about me.
3. External image of myself - what I let others to see, hear and feel about me.

In essence, a relationship is intimate when these 3 self concepts are close to one another - when we feel good about ourselves the way we are and we let the other person see most of what it means to be us. As stated above, this type of openness makes us transparent and vulnerable, is facilitated through dialogue and can be greatly encouraged by reciprocity.

Intimacy, Transparency and Vulnerability

Say you are trying to convince your wife to buy a new car. You have chosen one of the large 4x4 monsters with 7 seats, endless horse power and a roof rack.

On the inside, you know the reason is that your friend Jim just bought one and is planning to use it for wild off road weekends. You envy him his freedom of style and believe you can match it by buying an exciting car just like his and joining his adventurous outings.

But you also want to believe you are a considerate and well-balanced family man, who makes sensible decisions. You rationalize to yourself that during the week, this car will be great for the school pickups, allow traveling with the kids' friends, shopping and towing of yard maintenance equipment.

Outwardly, you try to project the image of a loving husband, who cares about his wife and thinks about her comfort and wellbeing all day long. After all, she will have the car 5 days a week and you only 2.

So you come up to your wife and say, "Honey, what do you say we buy a big car for you, with 7 seats and lots of space? It'll make you more comfortable than our family sedan, right?"

Can you smell trouble already? Can you see how the 3 self concepts come into play here? What you are letting your wife see is your outer shell. No transparency whatsoever.

As you might have guessed, in an intimate relationship, you would come to your wife and simply say, "Jim just bought this magnificent big 4x4 he's going to use on weekends for off road adventure rides. Wouldn't it be great fun to do the same? Here, have a look at this brochure of it. Makes me drool just to imagine us jumping in the car and raising dust on some mountain!"

Now, THIS is transparent, but it is also vulnerable, because your wife may very well call you "a child", complain about the money situation or do other things you do not like. By telling it like it is, you are opening yourself up for trouble, but if your relationship is truly intimate, this is not likely to happen. Most likely, your wife will appreciate your candor and empathize, even if she does not go along.

Of course, the same thing happens with your kids.

Say you are trying to get the kids to bed in the evening. Inside, you just want some peace and quiet after a long day, but you also want to believe you are a good parent and outwardly, you try to appear strong and in charge. You shoo the kids to their rooms with threats and talks of how things will be all messed up in the morning if they delay ("Remember last week when you couldn't get up?").

Muy macho, but not very transparent.

In an intimate relationship with your kids, you would instead say, "Look, kids, I've had a tough day, so as much as I'd like to spend some time with you, maybe you should go to bed and get some sleep and we can get up a little earlier and hang in the morning".

This is transparent, but it also lets the kids know you are not in full control of your energy and emotions, so it opens you up for trouble again. In a truly intimate relationship, though, the kids will take the opportunity to be kind and look forward to the morning.

Intimacy, Dialogue and Reciprocity

There are people out there who have very intimate relationships, I am sure, but most human beings prefer certain relationships to others and have a range of relationships going from casual acknowledgment to deep trust.

What is important to understand here is that intimacy works not only at the complete relationship level, but can also be applied in a given scenario to change your outcome.

For example, no matter how intimate a relationship you have with your kids, telling them about your adventures in bed is generally not a good idea. This is a situation that calls for some creative hiding of the facts, while letting on that you are interested in your partner to encourage normal emotional development in your kids.

However, when your kids (or your partner) need your help and have difficulties expressing themselves, it is time to create some intimacy through dialogue and reciprocity.

Say your son has been bullied at school. He is hurt, feeling inferior and violated, but he wants to be a big boy - strong, independent and brave. He walks around looking troubled, but when you ask him what happened, he just grunts for you to go away.

One thing you can do is find a safe place, where the two of you can talk privately, and start a conversation by first sharing a similar experience you have had with being bullied. You can describe how you wanted to be strong and brave, but a bigger kid pushed you around and made you feel little, weak and ridiculed.

As you talk about yourself, you are signaling to your boy it is safe for him to open up to you and be transparent and vulnerable. He will gradually develop a sense of closeness and understanding with you, based on your common experience, and is likely to share his real feelings. You can then build on this trust to jointly figure out a solution.

Give and Take

Having a good relationship with someone else is not all about you and not all about the other person. It is about the two of you doing the best you can for both sides.

For this reason, every relationship involves a dance of intimacy, in which each person gently shares more and accepts more until the level of intimacy reaches the maximum for at least one person - just try to recall meeting a new person and gradually becoming friends or how you and your partner became as deeply involved with each other as you are today.

Once "the point of highest intimacy" is reached for one person, the other may still want to deepen the connection and keep getting closer. This may result in some friction and in the more open and vulnerable side being hurt - just recall any conflict between parents and teens you may have seen or experienced.

In some cases, intimacy eventually reaches a point that is comfortable for both sides and the relationship stabilizes. In other cases, such as marriage and parent-child relationships, where lack of intimacy can become a problem, one side may simply be unable to feel comfortable enough to open up and may need help from the more confident person or from a professional.

If you are in a relationship that is not as deep or close as you would like it to be, try giving your trust for a while before asking to be trusted. Here are some things you can do:

1. Share personal details, anecdotes and preferences. Avoid dominating the conversation, but be willing to share even awkward moments and things others may consider weird.
2. Describe your feelings openly - when you talk about your day or events in your life, share your emotions and thoughts along with the facts.
3. Show understanding for other people's feelings - when other people's emotions come up in conversation with the person you would like to be more intimate with, be accepting and positive towards those feelings. Say, "It's only natural to feel this way", "I've felt like this too once", "Poor so and so, she must have felt badly" and "Wow, that must have been so exciting".
   Note (for men): this may seem like mushy stuff at first, but intimacy IS all about sharing real feelings, so just go for it, as long as you are sincere in your comments.
4. Pay attention to body language, facial expressions, volume and pitch and back right up when something is not right. Trust cannot be forced. It must be earned.
5. Pay attention to the feeling in your stomach and throat. When the interaction is no longer intimate ("Shields up!") through physical pressure somewhere. When this happens, pause and find the emotional reason behind your physical reaction. If possible, let the other person know how you are feeling.

If you are in a relationship that feels too invasive, ask yourself whether it is reasonable to keep it less intimate. If it is, find a way to communicate that clearly to the other person. If it is not, especially if you seem to be having similar issues with others, consider working on your self confidence and emotional intelligence with a professional relationship coach to be comfortable with more intimacy.

Have a loving life,
Gal

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• A Question of Identity
• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult

But maybe that is only what we think. Maybe it is this tendency to rush into and out of things as quickly as we can that makes us waste more time than we would by relaxing and "taking our time".

You can observe a lot just by watching
- Yogi Berra

One of the things that seem to be happening to me a lot is being stopped short by people in conversation. I start to say something and another person cuts in with a response before I have finished presenting my idea.

This could just make for a quick and snappy conversation, if the responses were actually relevant for what I was going to say. You see, often, the beginning of an idea can develop in many directions and assuming we "know where this is going already" may not be correct.

As a kid, I heard a joke about Person A asking Person B, "In a word, how are you?" "Good", says Person B. "And in two words?" asks Person A. "Not good", says Person B…

The same happens in real life.

About a month ago, I went to my dentist and complained about pain in one of my teeth. As I was talking, he said, "Let's have a look" and shoved his instruments into my mouth. Using his fancy camera device, he showed me some cracks in one of my teeth and proceeded to describe the way to treat it. His proposed treatment involved a significant expense, so I decided to shop around.

I went to a dentist friend in another town, who first listened to me carefully, asked me some clarifying questions and then performed a test to confirm the source of my pain. As it turned out, the problem was with another tooth altogether.

Had the first dentist spent the time to listen, clarify and identify the problem, he would have gotten the business and I would have saved a few days of pain and a lot of travel time.

As if this was not enough, my dentist friend made a comment about my strong bite and worn out teeth. Much like many before him, he started suggesting that I wear a guard at night. Much like the other times, I told him I mostly grind my teeth during the day and I think it is related to how my teeth are positioned. However, whereas all those other dentists had told me their way had been the only one, for the first time in my life, this dentist stopped, took a closer look and said, "Hmmm, I see what you're saying! I may be able to help you with this".

In many family situations, things are much the same. After years of living together, we get the feeling we can complete each other's sentences. Actually, this thought causes us to interrupt one another and to stop truly listening. Although the people around us change over time, by holding on to the belief we already know what they are about to say, we are freezing their old self in our minds and interfering with their change.

Say one of your kids got into a particular difficulty at school daily and you have heard the same story before, "Bonnie said she wasn't my friend". At first, you calmed the little person and explained about playing with other kids instead. Then, as soon as the story started, you start to cut it short with "Remember we talked about this? Just play with other kids".

One day, a change happens. The little one overcomes the situation and tries to tell you about it at home. The beginning sounds the same, "Bonnie said she wasn't my friend", so you put on your I've-heard-this-a-million-times-by-now-so-will-you-get-over-it-already face and say, "Remember we talked about this? Just play with other kids".

You have just blown the opportunity to share in your child's victory and encourage her personal development and instead criticized her. She looks down and says quietly, "But I DID go to play with the other kids. That's what I wanted to tell you".

I hate to admit this, but my daughter Eden is often a lot more resourceful than I give her credit for. When she describes her day, she lays it out in chronological order, so I never know what comes next, and she pours all of her emotions into the story, which creates a bit of "parental" pressure in me ("Somebody wasn't nice to my baby. I've got to help her").

So I butt in with other ways to look at things and possible solutions ("Aren't I clever?"). In return, I always get the same reaction, "Dad, I'm telling you about my day. I didn't ask for your advice. I've already fixed it. Just listen". Ouch!

"Serves you right", you say. Fair enough.

What you have to realize, though, is that the problem does not stop there. You see, as much as Eden wants to be heard and fights for her right to speak, when it comes time for me to tell about my day, she takes my place in the conversation and butts in all the time. This tendency to rush is contagious. It is transmitted through behavior modeling from generation to generation.

Are you still paying attention or do already know what I am going to say next?

Just checking.

Our mind is wonderful thing because of this very ability of jumping to conclusions. In many cases, it saves us lots of time. We could not possibly decide to buy anything, not even the simplest thing, if our mind could not filter out unimportant things, like the precise composition of the plastic casing, when choosing a computer monitor. The monitor is supposed to show us things clearly. Who cares about the plastic bits.

But sometimes, we get too good at it and filter out too much, to the point where important stuff is blocked and never becomes part of our mental picture.

Specifically, we do this to protect our sense of identity and our beliefs, even the ones that hurt us over and over again, like "I'm no good". I have spent countless hours trying to convey simple suggestions against a barrage of objections, only to realize that when I suggested something, the other person was hearing, "He's saying I'm no good and I need to change something to make him happy".

How to be a better listener

This advice is simple and effective. It will help you at work, at home and with your friends. It will improve all of your relationships and make your life happier. Oh, and often, it will save you time.

1. As often as you remember, take a few deep breaths. A deep breath involves exhaling (letting out) all the air from your lungs down to your stomach and then inhaling as much air as you can. After exhaling, stop breathing for as long as you can without making an effort and then inhale.
   Do it now.
   Can you feel the pressure gone?
2. Whenever you feel "I have no time for this" pressure in a conversation, take a deep breath and listen for just a little bit longer.
3. Whenever you feel "I'm no good" pressure in a conversation, take a deep breath, listen for as long as you can and then ask, "What do you mean?"
4. When you strongly believe the conversation is straying, take a deep breath and calmly ask, "How is this related to <the topic>?"
5. When you have something burning on the stove and you really cannot spend the time to listen, smile and say, "I'd like to listen to this, but I can't right now. Let's talk in the evening/in an hour/etc" (sorry, no time for deep breaths on this one).
6. When you just cannot wait to know the end, take a deep breath, smile and say, "Can you please tell me where this is going, so that I can listen?"
7. When it seems like you have heard it all before, (you guess it) breathe deeply, smile and ask, "Is this any different to yesterday/last week/etc?"
8. When it is important for you to get it right, ask the other person clarifying questions - "What do you mean?" or "Are you saying that…"

You get it, right? Get yourself into "listening mode" and keep yourself there by noticing your own pressures and applying generous doses of deep (not heavy, just deep) breathing, smiles and questions that will make it easier for you to listen.

Any more listening ideas? Happy to read them in your comments, so please share.

Happy listening,
Gal

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I am sure for many of you parents, birthday parties for kids are not something you look for. Whenever I talk to parents about parties or when they come here to one of our kids' parties, they tell me "You are so brave … I could never give my kids a home party … It must be very expensive". Every year, most kids miss the wonderful feeling of having a party at home with lots of friends, because their parents are afraid of something that is not there.

I have 3 kids - a 20-year-old, a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old. Out of the total of 41 years, they have had 41 birthday parties (they actually had more like 120, because we love the idea of celebrating the whole year and one time at school and one time at home and once in the family and another time with friends). We were shocked to discover that not all kids around us have a party with friends every year.

The other shock was that if they do have a birthday party with friends, most times they are at McDonalds (or Burger King or some other play area, but we call all of them "McDonalds parties") and not at home.

The third shock was that because McDonalds parties are not cheap, many parents only allow their kids to invite 3-4 kids to the party. The braver parents invite 10 kids or the whole class and pray that not all of the kids show up, because each kid costs about $10, not including the cake.

Again, I am not sure what they do at home with their families and friends from outside school, but I am talking about school friends here.

Friends, friends, friends

I believe that social skills are very important for kids. When my kids have a party (whether a birthday party or some other get-together), their popularity goes up and everyone around them becomes more friendly towards them. For a week or two before the party, kids talk about coming or not coming and about what the party will be like. For a week or two after the party, the other kids talk about how much fun it was and my kids get to be at the center of attention and grow their social circle.

Being controlled by you, home parties can be focused around your birthday boy or girl, so that they get as much special attention as possible from everyone. When the party is arranged by someone else, all the kids are typically kept busy together and the little birthday person may even feel left out sometimes.

Try having a party at home. It is an easy way to help your kids make friends.

Money, money, money

I have heard many parents say that a birthday party at home costs too much.

Well, I disagree.

We have a very typical birthday party. The kids arrive and receive an empty party bag. Throughout the party, we have lots of games and activities, in which the kids get prizes and candy for participation (this is important! Not winning, participation! Everyone is a winner for participating). We have a cake, we have lunch or brunch or dinner and the kids go home with a bag full of lots of stuff and they usually do not want to leave.

This year, I bought sweets and prizes and together, a birthday cake, pizza, popcorn, dips and carrots for parents (who sat on our big porch as the party was happening inside), disposable plates, cups, cutlery, cordial, coffee, tea, milk, a piñata (Eden and Noff made it themselves) and plenty of balloons. All this cost us $70. Yes! Seventy dollars. We even had 2 big pizzas left over that the kids took for their lunch the next day, as well as lots of sweets and prizes, a quarter of the cake and most of the dip.

Do you think this is too much of an expense to spend on your kids for their birthday? It cost as much as inviting 7 kids to McDonalds and having no birthday cake, but it made 16 kids (and some of their parents) happy for a few days.

Mess, mess, mess

16 kids left our house with their parents at 1:30pm. Each of us picked up some things, cleaned some things and at 1:50pm, our house was spotless, the dishwasher was full, the chairs were back in place and the only signs of the birthday party were the balloons that we left hanging to keep the festive feeling and the gifts on the floor that Noff sat and opened with lots of joy.

Parties are not a mess and it is not a good idea to tell your kids they are, because if you work together as a team and you use disposable serving dishes (included in the small price - see above), 30 minutes is the maximum amount of time you need to spend cleaning up after everyone leaves.

The kids were so nice and respectful, over 41 birthday parties with friends (when our kids were babies, we already invited family and friends with kids), no one has ever damaged anything in our house. I do not believe that having a birthday party at home is going to be messy and I would not recommend that you to think so either.

Yes, I did it!

Every year, my kids ask what kind of a birthday party we are going to have this year. We usually let them choose from a few options - art party, dance party, fashion show party, musical jam party, pajama (slumber) party, pool party and so on. A "McDonalds party" is not on our list, but sometimes they ask about having one, just for something different, until we remind them of the great advantages of having a party at home and they choose something else.

Yesterday, I received a reward for my efforts over the years. When I picked up my daughter, she said, "Everyone came to me today and said how much fun they had at my birthday party".

"Who is everyone?" I asked.

"Everyone", she said, "Everyone who came to the party".

"I'm so glad they liked it. It was fun", I said to her.

"Yes, it was great fun", she said, "And they all said that a home party is way better than a McDonalds party".

I was so happy, because if 16 of your friends say it, it definitely makes you feel even more special.

Enjoy your kids' birthday parties,
Ronit

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In many families, one of the kids stands out with a special talent in his or her particular hobby. This not only means more time on the road, more uniforms, more instruments and more money, but also an emotional investment by both the kid and the parents, because maybe something special will come out of all this.

Specifically, parents begin to plot. OK, they may not go as far as hurting anyone, but they spend time and effort increasing the chances their kid will be successful, which means winning prizes and being officially recognized. They hire tutors, register the kid into competitions and coach him or her through "pep talks" before every public display of their skills.

Unfortunately, most competitions only award a handful of prizes, typically 3, with the 1^st one being the only one that really matters to anybody. Getting 2^nd place in a district or even state-wide competition still means having to compete against lots of other kids before being able to turn the hobby into a worthwhile profession.

As you can imagine, this breads stressed out, competitive kids, who may value winning above other things, like making friends.

But apparently, it does not have to be this way.

A few months ago, our son Tsoof auditioned for a state-sponsored camp for musically outstanding students. He had to prepare video recordings of musical pieces played on 3 different percussion instruments. Since those pieces had to meet a minimum standard, they were more difficult than his normal repertoire and he had to learn them from scratch.

Being our family's designated lead talent, we all chipped in. We borrowed large instruments from school, carried, assembled, made the time, kept quiet, encouraged, gave our honest opinion, turned pages and rearranged our family schedule to accommodate the extra practice. We also kept thinking secretly about what this opportunity would mean for Tsoof's career as a musician.

OK, so maybe it was not such a big secret. Maybe we also mentioned it to him a couple of times, just to make sure he was, um, aware, you know. No pressure…

Tsoof worked diligently and did his best all the way to the auditions, after which his teacher, who recorded the students playing, said he had a very good chance of getting in. In fact, he believed Tsoof would be the only one getting in from his school, which made us tick off step 1 and get all excited about the increasing chance of him making the special program.

Of course, we could not just keep our excitement to ourselves, now could we? After all, we wanted Tsoof to know just how proud we were, so we might have said something like, "It's good you'll be the only one going from your school". Oh, come on, you do not make a competitive kid just by saying how you feel, right? We were just sharing…

Sometime later, the much anticipated letter of acceptance came in the mail and our excitement hit the roof. Naturally, now that Tsoof had been accepted, we just had to explain to him the meaning of this to his career, as good parents and older sister do. We want the kid to have the best in life, so we give him the, um, guidance he needs. It cannot hurt, can it?

If this was not enough, there were special auditions on the first day of camp for the program's Big Band, which was going to perform a lot more than other ensembles and be featured during the performances as including the most seasoned players. Tsoof entered himself as a singer and really hoped to be selected.

As his loving family, we all propped him up with our encouragements, telling him he would surely win, if only because we believed in him. Knowing nothing about his competition meant nothing to us. A positive mindset was required and that is what we were giving him.

Alas, two things happened next. First, other kids were selected for Big Band and second, Tsoof met some very (as in "extremely") talented young musicians, including some of the other percussionists.

Now, you would expect a competitive child who is deeply invested in his aspirations to take this very hard. He might throw tantrums, blame the system, complain bitterly and even give up and go home.

We met Tsoof after nearly a week of camp. We were invited to a preliminary concert, after which the musical campers would receive excellence awards. Not having seen him for a few days, we just wanted to know he was OK, hear his adventures and see him perform on stage.

Instead, Tsoof was unusually quiet. He said he was very tired, telling us about long hours and hard practice, but when he got to the part about not making Big Band, his face showed deep disappointment. This became worse when he told us he was not performing that night. Only Big Band and a makeshift wind ensemble were going to.

He told us very little else, saying they had only been starting things and working on technique, but we knew how he felt. Despite that, he managed to point to the Big Band drum kit players and say admiringly, "Look at these guys. They are really good. No wonder they got to play in Big Band".

After that night, we were worried about how Tsoof might experience the rest of the camp and whether he would be able to benefit from it, let alone enjoy it.

The next time we met him, Tsoof played at two open rehearsals, featuring some beautiful original music, interesting arrangements and great talent by the young musicians. While they were playing, we noticed the percussionists working together well as a team and having an excellent time together. In the break, Tsoof told us excitedly about his new friends and about how much he was enjoying their company and learning from them.

The event was concluded by another Big Band performance, which got Tsoof talking again about his desire to be included in it and about the conductor ignoring his requests to be reconsidered. Being the motivating parents that we are, we encouraged him to talk to the conductor yet again and insist the camp was meant to develop skill, not only to show it off.

During the final concert, we found out the conductor had not changed his mind, but Tsoof was very proud of himself for talking to him again. Despite his apparent disappointment, he was clearly able to see this as personal growth on his part and was pleased with himself.

Once again, he described his fellow percussionists to us, how gifted they were, how they had gotten to know one another even better and how they had become good friends.

Last week, Tsoof played at a major high-school band performance, which featured another school's Big Band with one of his camp buddies on drum kit. Tsoof sat with us in the audience and cheered for his friend wholeheartedly. At the end of the concert, he ran down to the stage and they excitedly talked about how much they had enjoyed each other's playing.

This made me so proud to be Tsoof's father. No matter how many times the people around him mention competition, opportunity, winning, recognition, prizes or chance, he is interested only in playing music and making friends. He practices as much as he can, but he does it to be better and to have fun. When others are good, he acknowledges it. When others are better than he is, he says so. When he hears good music played well, he enjoys it, and when he sees another percussionist, he sees a friend who shares his passion.

Sometimes, I learn stuff from my kids. This is one of those times.

Special note: Ronit and I expected MOST to be an ultra-competitive program and the other kids to be products of years of parental grooming. In that respect, we were as surprised by the other kids' behavior as we were with our own son's.

Enjoy your parenting,
Gal

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In the process of motivating your kids, you will find that your kids are also influenced by others. If that influence is positive - great! But sometimes, others' behavior and words might be de-motivating for your kids.

Although parental influence is typically the strongest in a child's life, parents may face challenges cleaning up bad effects created by other sources. After all, keeping kids at home, away from all the other people who might tell them they cannot succeed or expose them to stories of despair and failure, is virtually impossible.

So what can parents do?

I would recommend becoming aware of the various sources of information and pressure in your kids' life and focusing on balancing them with your own values. Bear in mind, some influences cannot be eliminated, such as partners who do share your attitude, siblings with a negative outlook and other family members you cannot stop seeing. Instead of saying bad things about those people, try to emphasize the others who present the right attitude and behavior.

Discover the Naysayers

To deal with your kids' de-motivators, you need to identify who they are and what they do to de-motivate your kids:

1. Make a list of all your kids' influencers - family members, friends, carers, teachers, teammates, playmates and so on
2. Rate their influence on your kids (from 1-10) - in terms of motivation, how positive are they and how important is their opinion?
3. Ask your kids to rate their influence as well
4. Compare what you think about those peoples' influence and what your kids think about it
5. Order the list with strong and very negative influencers at the top. Unimportant and positive people can be taken off
6. Discuss with your kids how those people contribute to their life in a good way and how they contribute in a "not so good" way. Guide your kids by asking age-appropriate questions that will help them recall and classify behaviors and events
7. Counter de-motivating influences by providing positive examples and linking them to positive results and happiness. For example, if one of your kids has a "cool" friend who refuses to practice playing the piano, give an example of someone else who practices happily and succeeds, while still being "cool" (Harry Connick Jr? Stevie Wonder? Alicia Keys?)

Tips

1. When making a list of influencers, you can do the same exercise on yourself (did you see that one coming?). Ask who has influenced your own life? Start with the family circle, teachers, friends and even neighbors. You are likely to find influences you have never thought about
2. Comparing rating will give you an indication of the difference between your perception and your kids'. No one is right! It is just a perception. However, I believe that kids are young and cannot always see through things. I can see bad influences on my 20 year old daughter that she does not recognize at all. This is because I see them from the outside, but also because I am a parent and I have more life experience
3. If you think someone is de-motivating your kids, ask them, "Do you think this is a good thing to do/say?" Sometime, this question alone will do the trick
4. Keep telling your kids you want them to hang around people who will make them feel and think highly of themselves and motivate them to be the best they can be. It may help them think of some of their relationships that are not so healthy for them
5. Bear in mind you cannot eliminate some influences at all. Bad mouthing that person is not a good technique as it pushes your kids to take sides and might leave you on the losing side. Work for your kids' good, not against anybody else. Guide your kids towards their own "Aha" moments and let them make their own changes

Usually, finding the de-motivators and their methods is a good way of finding what works on your kids. For example, if someone puts them down with words, you can use the praise and appreciation techniques to counter that. If they are influenced by people who give them gifts, you can counter that with your own rewards (see other posts in this series).

Self motivation and sustainability

The main aim in motivating your kids is to make them think self-motivating thoughts by themselves, which will ensure they will be able to find strength within themselves to move forward. Here is a quote I love very much by Marianne Williamson, which expresses the challenges of adopting self-motivating thoughts. This can be great inspiration for kids and grownups alike. I have it posted in many places in the house and I have put a copy of it in each of my kids' albums.

I'm proud of me!

From a very early stage, kids learn to be modest and because they do not fully understand the meaning of modesty, kids confuse being proud with being arrogant. Therefore, they find it hard to have happy, positive thoughts about themselves in fear of being seen as condescending. Believe it or not, most people would rather think low of themselves than be considered arrogant.

If your kids can motivate themselves, you know your job is half done, because they will be able to fill their confidence tank by themselves and be happy.

You are probably asking yourself, "How long will I have to motivate my kids for?" The answer is probably, "For the rest of your life". However, you may not need to do much when your kids are grown ups and can fill in their own bowls of praise and self-appreciation. You will not have to work that hard when they surround themselves with people who share the same values as you and who will be able to motivate and support them even when you are not around.

When your kids have the right people around them, coupled with the right attitude and skills to motivate themselves, you can relax and be certain you have put them on the right path.

When my kids say, "I was very proud of myself today", I know I have done a good job as a parent.

First, give your kids some "fish" - love, care, happy experiences and encouragement to make sure they will survive. Then, teach them how to "fish" - encourage them to love themselves, to care for themselves and to give themselves happy experiences.

Only when you reach that second level does your motivation become sustainable!

Summary

1. Find your kids influencers and pick the de-motivators
2. Compare what you think about those influencers with your kids' perception
3. Work with your kids on recognizing whether an influence is good for them or not
4. Counter de-motivation with encouragement and positive, motivating ideas and never bad-mouth others
5. Teach the difference between arrogance and pride and encourage them be proud of themselves

Motivated parenting,
Ronit

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