In a book called The Lonely Crowd, David Riesman wrote in 1950 that people could be split into two groups. He said that the inner-directed person "has a trustworthy character and builds his life on the stability and security of his family. Usually, he believes in the Judeo-Christian faith". The other-directed person, on the other hand, is "dependent on the approval of others, especially experts. They are consumed by a quest for personal happiness, so that ... anything becomes permissible if it makes me happy".

Yes, this is an old book, but I read this quote this morning in a much newer book on personal power and relationship skills, so the notion that our pursuit of happiness makes us selfish and self-centered is still very much alive today.

So what's the deal? Does personal happiness equate to selfishness? Does the search for personal fulfillment make us lonely?

"Pooh!" the bear snorted, "Again I say pooh!"
- The Big Brag, Dr Seuss

Being a selfish happiness seeker is like drilling for oil in your own back yard. No matter how much oil you find, the yard will never be the same, your house will stand out from the rest and none of your neighbors will remain your friends. It is like cutting down the trees in the Amazon and making a quick buck, but destroying the future of your children and their children.

Happiness is not the same as instant gratification. It is not the same as temporary joy, excitement, elation or even comfort. Happiness is a state of mind that permeates everything in your life. It must be sustainable.

If not, all we have left is the pursuit, and that makes for a very hard and disappointing life.

So how can you tell if your focus is on the right sort of happiness and that you are not wasting your time on becoming more and more self-centered and self-serving?

I suggest that whatever you do and whenever you have a decision to make about a course of action, you use the following questions:

1. Is it good for me?
2. Is it good for others?
3. Is it good for the Greater Good?

Those who stop after the first question may very well make selfish decisions that hurt them in the long run, hurt others and ruin the future. But those who keep going through the list and assign the same level of importance to all of the answers make decisions that will lead them to more and more happiness over time.

Notice that these questions are all based on your personal interpretation of what is "good", who are "others" and what is the "Greater Good". It really does not matter how you see each of these, the simple consideration of other people, future generations, some kind of a moral system and/or society in general will always yield better decisions with more sustainable outcomes.

You see, the world is a very (VERY) large mirror. What we see in the world is a reflection of what is inside us, at least in some way.

Let's say your life is stressful and you decide to go on a 6-week meditation retreat on a mountain in India. Your partner will have to take care of the kids and your family will miss you terribly, your customers will get no service for a long time and your business will suffer from this, which will later hurt your ability to provide for your family. Sure, it will make you happy, at least while you are meditating, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others, you could instead learn to meditate at home, spend some time every week doing Yoga, possibly with your partner and children. It may take you longer to relax fully and feel pure and healthy, but you will find a lot more support around you to sustain your journey.

One of the worst trends today is divorce due to one of the partners being unfaithful. Every couple's life involves pressure and even conflict. Finding a fresh person and satisfying our hunger for attention and love with them may be a quick and easy way to temporary happiness, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others and on us in the long run and by looking at our society and seeing what this trend is doing to it, you would see that taking personal responsibility for your actions and investing in your existing relationships is a more sustainable approach. After all, there is no guarantee the new person will keep making you happy for long either.

As a parent, you may be happy when your kids play quietly, particularly if others see this as testament of your good parenting. So if your little boy starts throwing things around, you may feel he is stealing your happiness and making you look bad. You can call him "naughty" and do your best to "discipline" him, but at what cost?

Although you may feel justified in "setting him straight", when he stops trusting you and avoids your company, your will regret your actions and may not be able to recover from them. Moreover, if you examine the behavior of other kids whose parents react in a harsh and self-centered way, you will realize your influence on the world in which your kids grow up. It can be a place full of "naughty" people who feel bad about themselves or a place of trust and respect for all.

By realizing that your best parenting asset is your child's faith in you, you could try to find out what troubles him and guide him towards peace of mind.

Similarly, many parents link their happiness to their children's academic performance. If your teenage girl's grades begin to drop, you can nag her to do her homework, tell her she is lazy, forbid her to go on Facebook and ground her for weeks. You may see yourself as providing order and proper priorities to your daughter at a time of hormonal unrest, but at what cost?

By realizing your support role in her life, you could make her feel safe enough to pour her heart out and tell you her boyfriend broke up with her, let her cry a little on your shoulder and reassure her you will always be there for her. This will teach her how to handle grief and disappointment and validate her emotions.

All too often, there is a conflict between our immediate satisfaction and our long-term happiness. That is just how life works. What is good for us right now is never just that. We are surrounded by people with different interests, beliefs and desires that still matter. And even the people who live far away often have some influence on us (like those clearing the jungle trees in Indonesia or those who make our clothes in China).

So practice asking the questions above. First, you will have to think about every answer carefully, but over time, it will become second nature, like riding a bike. And just like riding a bike, it will make you happy.

Have a great life,
Gal

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• Questions, Questions

Usually, we call others "difficult" when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person's communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person - they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

1. Exhibitionists - We would not call popular people "difficult" just because they are popular. Real exhibitionists are not popular, which is why they try to become popular in ways that make others like them even less.
2. Experts - It is important not to confuse between smart and knowledgeable people that are generous with their expertise and those who push their expertise even when they are not asked for it.
3. Jokers - Funny people are not necessary difficult. Some funny people know when it is time to laugh and when it is time to be serious. Dysfunctional jokers use their humor to avoid emotionally challenging situations and keep cracking jokes even at very inappropriate times.
4. Dinosaurs - Not every old-fashioned person who keeps tradition and does things the old way is a difficult person. There is much to learn from elders and they can be kind and wonderful mentors if they practice some flexibility and generally avoid judgment. I have had a chance to meet some elders in my leadership programs and thought they were graceful and open-minded. Young people can be dinosaurs too if they stick to what they know and defend it while keeping their mind closed to new ideas.
5. Show offs - It is important to distinguish between people who are proud of themselves and show offs. While proud people tell about their successes and achievements when the conversation is around the topic of their success, show offs do it constantly and not necessary in relation to the topic of conversation.
6. Shy - It is very natural for people to be reserved a bit in new company, so do not judge them in situations where they are totally new and with lots of new people. Not everyone can approach strangers, extend their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Yvonne", but there is nothing wrong with them. This is only a problem when it starts affecting their daily life.
7. Astronauts and loners - We all want to be alone sometimes. We all want to let go sometimes and do nothing at all, but it does not make us difficult. It makes us human. It becomes a difficulty when this desire takes over our life and disturbs our relationships with others.
8. Competitive - Some competition is healthy and can be a motivator for some people. It becomes a difficulty when we feel we must win and are devastated when we come in second. It becomes a problem when we win and forget that losing person has feelings too and view people as "winners" or "losers".
9. Gossips - Be careful not to consider every talk about others a bad thing. If you talk about others when they are not around, but you say good things about them, this also does not make you a difficult person. It makes you wise and kind.
10. Two faced or Vague - Some people do not explain themselves properly because of language and/or culture differences. People who speak another language have unusual vocabulary and accent that might make what they say seem unclear or vague. It makes it difficult to understand them, but does not make them difficult people.
11. The "special one" - We all have a desire to be unique. This is natural and common. We become difficult when we stick out in a bad way or when the desire to be unique overrides the desire to be in good relationships with the people around us.
12. Approval seekers - We all want the people who love us to approve of our behavior and reassure us that we are loved and appreciated. It becomes difficult when we demand this approval and when we increase it from an occasional desire to a strong need.

Join me next week to find out why difficult people become difficult. In the meantime, I would love to read about your discoveries of difficult people around you.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, "I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive". At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Non-stick or Teflon-coated

Nothing seems to stick to these. They seem like they do not have an attachment to anyone or any particular agenda. You cannot fight with them, but you cannot get close to them either. They always keep their distance and only the few people closest to them know who they really are.

From the outside, they seem like they are everyone's friends, yet no one really knows them. They seem like they do not have problems, desires or heartaches and this seems unreal. It is very hard to connect with a "Teflon-coated" person.

Shy

These people are afraid to express themselves and prefer to observe others rather than participate. They do not function well when they meet new people. Usually, those who are close to them manage them well, because they only tend to be shy around new people. So shy people are only a problem in a new setting, when you need them to step up and express themselves.

Astronauts and Loners

These people behave like they prefer to be in space, dreaming and are not aware of what happens around them. They do not remember what you ask them, they do not pay attention to things and, much like shy people, prefer not to engage with others but to be on their own. It is problematic when they are kids and they need to pay attention or when they are in a relationship and their partner feels rejected because of their desire to be on their own.

Competitive

These people think that every conversation, communication and social interaction is an opportunity to win. They always try to do things faster or better than others do and they do not cooperate, even when that hurts their relationships.

Another form of competition is being sneaky and always setting traps for others in a subtle way that is hard to recognize. Being around a competitive person does not allow you to be yourself or be natural in your reactions and that is very tiring, so people try to avoid being around people who are competitive.

Troublemakers

These people cause problems to others or get themselves in trouble constantly. They are in trouble at school, with friends, with teachers and with various authorities. They are not aware of the toll their actions puts on others. They get into trouble with authority and keep escalating it. Around them, you always feel you need to fix the damage they have done, so most people try to avoid troublemakers and are very concerned and upset when they must associate with them.

Gossips

These people talk about others behind their back. They use information as a weapon against others. They usually use it in a bad way and talk badly about others when they are not present. Gossips create disharmony and conflict where it would not be otherwise. They like adding information they hold to stir up a gathering and bring others into the "who knows the most" game. They will tell people what others have said about them and they will add some of their own stories to make things "juicier". People do not like hanging around gossips, because they know that if they gossip about one person today, tomorrow they may gossip about them too.

Two-faced or Vague

You never know what these people think. They are unclear about what they think or feel and keep their options open to shift their position due to pressure. When you talk to them one day, they say one thing, and when you talk to them another day, they say something totally different, so you constantly feel confused around them. People feel uncomfortable around two-faced or vague people. When you finish a conversation with them, you are not sure you know what they have said or where they stand, which makes it impossible to rely on them.

The "special one"

These people will do anything to be different and special, even if it means doing it in a bad way. They will show off, talk badly about others or put others down in order to stick out. The special ones cannot build rapport with others. Since rapport means finding some common ground to connect with other people, the special ones consider this a threat to their uniqueness. When you hang around a "special one" for a long time, you feel you have nothing in common. People often stop talking about themselves around "special ones" to stop their self-centered talk, but it does not help them.

Approval seekers

These people are a mixture of many difficulties. They totally depend on others and need others to affirm all of their actions, thoughts and even feelings. They constantly ask you to tell them they are loved, kind, smart, talented or capable. They use others to encourage them and support them.

In extreme cases, they test the boundaries of their relationships by being rude or aggressive and asking you to tell them they are still loved. They will do something selfish and ask you to tell them they are kind.

The main difficulty with seeking approval is that it is addictive. The person seeking approval is never satisfied and only wants more and more of it. Usually, being the person they seek approval from is very heavy and demanding. They usually seek approval from someone who cares for them and loves them and their demands make it harder to care for them and love them.

Approval seekers are very needy. Around them, you have to be strong and encouraging at all times, to put aside your own life and if you do not approve of something, they increase the demand for it. It is very difficult to be strong and encouraging all the time, put your own needs aside for too long and be approving of everything they do, so people give up on them with resentment.

Join me next time to explain what difficult people are not.

Have a great day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

Fun with Ice

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend's mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend's carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend's insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

Insurance protects us from losing everything when we are already busy dealing with something bad, so it seems like a good idea. But insurance companies need to make money in order to insure us, so they recover their losses back from us. Along the way, they sometimes take away some of our happiness too.

No Running, No Jumping, No Playing

When Tsoof was 4 years old, his favorite activity was soccer, he loved to play drums and was a very energetic and talkative little boy. We wanted him to be with other kids, so we sent him to a nearby kindergarten that had great facilities and looked really nice.

Over time, we noticed our little boy was becoming sad and agitated, until he said he did not want to go to kindie anymore. When we ask him about it, he said, "They just want me to sit all the time. I can't run and I can't jump and I can't climb anything. And they want me to be quiet all the time. If I sing or shout because I'm happy, they say 'keep it down'. I heard something outside and I climbed the toy box to see what's happening and the teacher pulled me down", he said.

The next time we dropped him off, we went in with him and asked about all these restrictions. His teacher told us there had been some accidents and some children had gotten injured from climbing or bumping into each other while running, so their insurance company had told them they would not pay for these anymore and they should make sure the kids did not do anything dangerous.

"But this is what kids do", we said, "They run and climb and experiment. It's good for them".

"Sorry", said the teacher, "We can't afford to lose our cover".

Sitting Down until 8:30

A couple of years ago, Noff's school introduced a new rule: Until 8:30am, students within the school grounds may only be in the covered area near the cafeteria and they need to be sitting down. At 8:30, when the school opens officially, students may go anywhere (except they only had 15 minutes until their first lesson started).

This was a hard blow for many parents who had to go to work and needed to drop their kids off at school before 8:30. It was like a punishment for the kids, although they had done nothing wrong. It also chopped their social and fun time at school significantly, which is the main reason Ronit and I send our kids to school.

We wondered about this for a long time, until we were told recently that a girl had been hurt while playing at one of the school's playground before any teachers were on duty and her parents sued the school.

The school did the only thing it could to keep enough of its budget for education...

Glorious Jury

A few weeks ago, I received a summons to my first ever jury duty. Having never been inside a courtroom anywhere, I thought this would be a great experience, so I did not ask to be excused, even through 3 weeks away from work would not be easy. I also wanted to do my part as a citizen and help keep the justice system going.

So far, I have been in one trial that went on for three days, but I have had a lot of time to think about the effects of the jury system on our life.

When I told people I was going to be on jury duty, they looked at me like I was soft in the head or something. "You can ask to be excused, you know", they said, "It's easy. Just say you have a business and you can't get away".

That made me wonder who remains to serve as jurors in the system. These are most likely unemployed, senior citizens and people whose jobs pay them so little, the income from their jury duty is the same or higher than what they already make. Would you want to have that cross-section of society at your trial? Is this truly "a jury of peers"?

Then I got to the building where the courts are and went through the orientation. I found out that many (sometimes most) of the prospective jurors arrive in the morning, go through 1 or 2 jury selections and then go back home. By that time, their day is shot and they only get a small amount of money for their trouble.

The "lucky" ones are "empanelled" and serve as jurors for a few days. I was chosen during my first jury selection.

In the courtroom were a judge, a judge's associate, a bailiff, a prosecutor, an assistant prosecutor, a stenographer and at least two correctional services officers. These 8 people were paid by the state. On the defense side were two highly paid lawyers, making a total of 10 other people.

The jury more than doubles the number of people sitting through the entire trial! However little they get paid, every day of trial costs up to 12 days of lost productivity and taxes, as well as the juror payment, lunch and public transport. If that is not enough, it took several hours for the barristers and the judge to explain to us the matters of law relevant to the case, which made the trial longer.

Then came deliberation. In theory, the jury system is meant to protect ordinary citizens from unfair trials, but jurors are people with biases. They all have beliefs, values and needs that come into play when they decide on a verdict. As I sat in the room, I noticed racial comments, political comments, religious comments and many unfounded statements spoken with conviction. Although we all agreed in the end and worked things out quite well, would I want these people at my trial? Probably not.

Having a costly legal system puts it beyond the reach of most people, so having 12 jurors in court actually excludes many of their "peers" from getting a fair trial.

In our topsy turvy world, the things we do to protect ourselves come back to bite us when we do not stop to think them through and sometimes even when we do.

Have a productive day,
Gal

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There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10)

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Jokers

People who make jokes all the time. They are never serious, even when it is required or commonly expected. They think everything is funny and when you tell them things that are dear to you and they make fun of it too, you tend to avoid telling them important things. It is hard to get support from a joker and people worry that they will be mocked when they reveal their inner fears and thoughts, so they just do not expect a joker to help them.

An extreme version of a joker is the sarcastic person, who is a critic in disguise. He is constantly judging others, but hides his judgment in the form of a funny statement. Sarcasm is a form of violence and people do all they can to avoid being bullied by a sarcastic person.

Hijackers

People who are very self-centered. They are convinced the world revolves around them and they take every opportunity to say what they think and to divert conversations to suit their purpose. They do not know how to give a credit to others and take over every meeting or discussion. If you ask them a question, you risk them taking hours to reply and leaving no space for others to participate.

Hijackers do not respect other people's agenda and do not understand the concept of "the right time" to do or say things. Their timing is awkward and to others, it seems like hijackers cannot read social cues and do not have social skills.

Party Poopers

Negative people. They see faults everywhere, they complain a lot and instead of focusing on what works, what is good or what they can be grateful for, they talk about the bad things so much, it is hard to see the light around them. Party poopers are hard work and major energy consumers, so people try to avoid being around them so they can have some fun in life.

Devil's advocates

People that always position themselves as the opposite of what others say. They do not say it because this is what they believe in. They say it because they like they see it as a game. It is very exhausting to be around such a person, because you constantly need to prove your point and justify your thoughts, while in constant argument and conflict. A devil's advocate uses various methods to play this "game", including making the other person look bad, dishonest and insecure, putting them down, being sarcastic and being insensitive to other's need.

Puppies

Those who agree with everything and always get into trouble when there is a disagreement between parties and they have to choose sides or be honest about what they think or believe. Around puppies, you never know where you stand. When they agree with you, you never know if their agreement is genuine or not. They are subject to pressure and when you communicate with them, you always need to consider who is putting more pressure on them. If you let go, the pressure they have on them does not disappear.

Dinosaurs

People with an old and conservative mindset. They talk about the past with longing. They try to live in the past and put a lot of effort into trying to convince others that what happened in the past was better. It is hard to talk around them about new ideas, about progress and about moving forward.

Hostile

People who are in a state of war at all times. They are very defensive. They suspect everyone around them for trying to harm them, so they constantly have their shields up and attack. Everything around them seems like a threat and they try to defend themselves by being hostile and sending messages of "Don't mess up with me". Around hostile people, you are constantly careful not to say the wrong word, as if you are walking on eggshells.

Nitpickers

Being around these people feels like being pricked by needles. They follow rules religiously and are very busy with every little mistake others make. They correct other's spelling and speech and they use long explanations and long analyses that exhaust others. They use their ability to pay attention to details to gain advantage in their communication, but they usually miss the real point by paying attention to what is not important in the conversation. With nitpickers, you never wins and people do not like losing constantly, so they quickly give up on them.

Join me next time for 10 more types of difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child

At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those "difficulties" as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, "No one wants to be my friend". Grownups change it to, "I don't need (many) friends", or, "They're stupid, anyway", because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

It gets complicated in some situations, such as when there is more than one difficulty, when there is a clash between two difficult people and when the difficulties increase in frequency or intensity.

When I studied special education, one of my very inspiring teachers showed us that we all have some difficulties, although not all of them were "learning difficulties", because they did not apply in a school setting (like fear of heights). Nevertheless, they limited out abilities and made us struggle sometimes. I suspect that in some way, we all have emotional difficulties and maybe more than one, although I think many of them are connected. Grouping our challenges can help us greatly in finding solutions. Often, finding a solution to one problem helps us solve others.

When we are difficult and we communicate with difficult people, the conflict increases and the tendency to behave in a difficult way increases. Again, no one is difficult to annoy others, they are trying to achieve something for themselves and, they just do it in a way that is not useful or beneficial to the interaction, because they do not know any other way. In these situations, it is important to understand that throwing the responsibility on the other person is not a solution and only makes it worse, no matter who the "difficult" person is.

How to deal with social difficulties

There are some ways for difficult people to improve and learn to manage their emotions.

1. They can see someone that will help them manage their emotions, an "emotional tutor". This usually requires them to recognize they have a problem and pay a professional who is a total stranger (at first) that will not give up on them due to exhaustion. Professionals charge for their service, so this method can be expensive.
2. They can get help from someone who loves them dearly, who is dedicated and willing to stick with them until they learn to manage their emotions. This is not an easy request when we are talking about a partner or a friend and works much better in a parent-child relationship. A parent will stick with a difficult child the more than any other person.
3. They can get a mentor that will help overcome the challenges of communication and of relating to others. Again, like going to a professional, the person must first recognize that they have a problem and that other people stay away from them not because the other people have a problem but because he or she is making it hard to associate with them. Usually, the mentor is someone they admire and appreciate and they will follow their instructions more readily. It is not easy to find a mentor who will to give their time freely, but sometimes, a distant family member, a family friend, a teacher or a community leader can do it with grace and kindness.
4. They can immerse themselves in personal development, meditate, think, reflect, read and do the hard work on their own. This requires lots of determination and ability to be honest with yourself. I believe this is the longest and hardest method, but it is the best one, because every realization in this method is strong and can give the "difficult" person power to control his or her own life.

This series is for everyone who thinks he or she may be considered "difficult" by others, as well as for those who must be around "difficult" people and look for ways to manage their relationship (usually, those who do not have to be will not bother). Teachers will benefit from this series, because they deal with difficult children every day. Parents will benefit from this series, because they have the strongest incentive to help their own children (remember, kids do not become difficult for the fun of it - they develop this behavior as a way to manage their emotions and if you do not help them change this pattern as the only person in the world who will stand by them for a long time, they might grow up to be difficult and miserable grownups).

So first, I want to recommend you do some self-reflection. If you find some of your difficulties below, seek help, as that will change your life forever. Even if you are convinced you are an easy person to deal with and the problem is with other people, working on yourself, on your emotional intelligence and your confidence, will help you help others.

In the coming weeks, I will talk about what difficult people are not, the types of difficult people, why people give up on them, what makes them difficult and how to manage your own difficulties and those of the difficult people around you.

Easy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever
- Francois Mocuriac

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills - Nature or Nurture?

I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty
- Collins English Dictionary

I only had a chance to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie when I was 40 years old. It was not an easy read, but reading it triggered a mixture of happiness and sadness in me. Happiness that I had discovered all the things Dale Carnegie wrote in the book and sadness that circumstances had not brought this book into my life long before to save me the heartache and pain of discovering things the hard way.

I am sure there are many people who wonder, like I did, how life would have been if they knew the rules of social interaction. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is parents' responsibility to teach their kids those skills. You cannot expect a disturbed 10-year-old or 14-year-old girl to go to the library, pick up Dale Carnegie's book and have the ability to implement it. I know many adults (too many, unfortunately) who read the book, or similar books, but that was not enough to teach them how to be friendly.

I have many clients that do not have a clue how to be friendly. They are lonely and prevent their families from being in social gatherings, because social interaction is a threat to them. Usually, they are unhappy and contribute greatly to the unhappiness of their entire family. When I talk to them about other people, they have strange interpretations for the way others behave. As social creatures, we learn to read behavior and people who are not friendly just cannot read others well enough. It is a cycle and its source is unknown. Is it the missing social skills that prevent them from hanging around others and therefore get little exposure to social interaction, or is it the lack of exposure that prevents them from developing their social skills and leads to avoiding people even more?

Some theories claim that social ability is genetic, while others consider it a learned skill. I tend to think it is a mixture of both and believe we need to focus on what we can do, rather than what we cannot do - every person can become a bit friendlier than he or she was in the past and therefore a bit happier than he or she would be otherwise.

Circle of friends

Although the number of friends is an indication to how friendly you are, it is also important to consider the level of friendship. One good way of realizing your social interaction is to do the circle of friends' activity.

Write your name in the middle, then write all those you consider friends and put them in the circle that matches how close are they to you. Consider their friendships in terms of how much you like them, how much they like you and how often you interact with them. The more close friends you have, the friendlier you are and the happier your life is.

The art of friendliness is the art of enjoying each other's company. If you like people, you want to spend more time with them. If they like you in return, they would like to spend more time with you. Liking each other means you are in a win-win situation - you both benefit from this interaction and your friendship will continue. If one of the sides is not happy with the relationship, it will bring friction, heartache and misery to both sides.

In any interaction, the goal is to benefit from the relationship and make sure the other person benefits from it too and would like to stay in this relationship. Our goal is to make the interaction pleasant to both sides.

Dale Carnegie talked about some basic techniques to win friends. He even thought they were fundamental to success in life through our ability to influence people. Read this list and examine your friendliness skills by rating your ability from 1-10.

• In your interaction with others, do not criticize. Criticism is the opposite of being friendly. It changes the balance between equal people to one considering himself/herself better. Do not confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is always considering your point over the other.
• Do not condemn others for their actions and behavior. Again, this destroys the fine balance that is required in a pleasant interaction. When you condemn people, you are stating that there is right and wrong. This only proves you are not a close enough friend as you have no idea what would make this person behave the way he/she did.
• Do not complain. Complainers are not friendly by definition. The things they complain about are more important to them than the friendship and others do not like hanging around them for long. Complaining and being pleasant do not go hand in hand and the excuse that the complaint contributes to a better relationship does not convince anyone. Only a masochist will believe that in order to have a good relationship, they need to please the other person.
• Do not nag. Nagging is another way of criticizing, condemning and complaining. It is a sign you are not in an equal relationship. Nagging is a sign you think your opinion is superior and that you rather the other person do what you want even if it is done by force.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them
- Mother Teresa

• Give honest and sincere appreciation. The opposite of the first four behaviors that destroy the balance is to show and express appreciation. Say good things about your friend. Generally, saying good things about others (only if they are true) makes others consider you a friendly person that sees the good in others. Use praises at the beginning of your words and always be honest. If you are forced to show appreciation - it is not honest. If one person in your relationship demands appreciation, this changes the balance and forces one side to be dishonest, which is a sign of problems in the relationship.
• Avoid arguments. In any argument, there are two sides. Both of them are valid and no matter what happens, it will be a lose-lose interaction that no one would like to repeat. Argumentative people do not have many friends, because they are energy consumers and exhausting to spend time with. If you start an argument, consider the friendship and choose to lose the argument and not the friendship. If you feel you need to win an argument, you have already lost.
• Smile. People who smile seem very friendly. Smiling is a form of communication that attracts people. When you smile, it sends the other person an invitation to interact with you. When you frown, it labels you as a criticizing, complaining, unhappy person and makes others stay away from you. Friends subconsciously match your behavior. If you complain, they will tend to "play the game" with you, but when they are far away from you, they will feel uncomfortable with themselves and avoid hanging around with you.
• Use people's names. Everyone likes the sound of his or her name. I have seen people in networking events abuse this tip and when I hear my name for the third time in a short period, it turns me off. On the other hand, some people tend to talk to others without using their names at all. Remembering someone else's name is very important and it is better to ask, "Can you remind me of your name again?" than not to use the name at all (or to guess it incorrectly). With close friends, it is never an issue of remembering, but of making an effort to use it.

The best mirror is an old friend
- George Herbert

• Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. In every interaction, measure how long you speak and how long the other person speaks. The one who speaks less is considered friendlier. In an interaction with others, there should be an equal share of contribution. Although it is not easy to use a stopwatch, it is good to be aware of who takes over the conversation. Those who take over the conversation usually consider the topic more important than the friendship and chase people away.
• When talking, talk about terms that are appealing to the other person. If you insist on talking about things that are of interest to you and not the other person, you lose your audience immediately. If you use vocabulary that the other person uses, the conversation is much easier. If you insist that the conversations include things that are of interest to you and that your goal is to convert the listener to your point of view, consider the interaction lost. Interaction is similar to playing ball. If one person holds the ball tight, there is no game.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When you do listen and encourage others to talk, make it genuine and sincere. To show interest in people, you need to ask questions. If the questions are not sincere and you just wait for the other person to finish so you can have a say too, this will be easily picked up by the other person, create a problem of trust between you and they will say to themselves, "She really didn't want to know the answer, so why bother?"
• Make the other person feel important and special and be honest with it. Carnegie talked about honesty a lot. He thought that using his tips without really meaning it defeats the purpose of building social skills. The mechanics of showing interest in others and making another person feel special cannot be cheated. Either you think the other is special and important or you do not. You cannot fake it. If you talk to the other person as if there is nothing special about them, there is always the question of "Then why do you spend time with me?" Ask yourself, "Why do I want to be in this person's company?" and use the answer to tell this person what is special about them that makes them attractive to you. Saying, "Well, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to", is not a friendly thing to say. Be careful not to badmouth others to make your friends feel special. If you do that, it is risky to be your friend, because one day you might talk like that about them.
• Show respect to others' ideas and never tell them they are wrong! Every relationship is based on mutual respect. When you tell someone they are wrong, you are tipping the balance. It is your right to think and do things differently, but it is not your right to judge. People do not like being in a judgmental relationship.
• When a person is upset, do not talk negatively, only talk about the positive. Friends are there to help each other. If you talk negatively, you are not creating rapport but dragging your friend down. Do your best not to judge, not to offer explanations for why they are upset or what they could have done better to not be in that place. If they are upset, they do not need your judgment on top of it.
• Do not try to change your friend. Instead, try to see things from their point of view. In any relationship, there are conflicts. No two people do, act, say and treat things exactly the same way, but that does not need to come between friends. If you think a friend has done something that you consider inappropriate, strange or unkind, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Friendship does not give you the right to change the other person but to understand them.
• Be courteous. This is strongly linked to respect and keeping the trust between people. If you feel you need to use information you have of other people to gain power, you are not a good friend and it will be hard for your to build this trust again.

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends
- William Shakespeare

How to be friendly and happy

In some positions, you are in charge and need to lead others in doing things. It can be as a parent, as a manager or even within the scope of teamwork. People will follow and listen to those who lead with friendly behavior and will resent those who are not friendly.

1. Never point to other people's mistakes. If necessary, talk about the action, not the person. If there is a mistake that needs to be fixed, always make it look like it is not a big deal and it is easy to fix. If it is possible, talk about your own mistakes first. Always let the other person "save face". Shaming a person may make you feel strong, but it will attract resentment to you. A strong leader with no followers is not a leader.
2. If you do make a mistake, say, "My mistake, sorry". It makes you look human to those who work with you. Much like not making a fuss about the mistakes of others, make sure not to make a fuss about your own mistakes. Generally, focusing on mistakes is not a good social skill, so move on and talk about the good stuff.
3. Ask questions instead of giving orders. Use "Can you please bring me the letters" instead of "Bring me the letters, please". When it is asked as a question, it gives the other person the chance to say, "No, I can't right now. I am doing something else" instead of putting pressure on them to follow your orders even when they cannot.
4. Praise every improvement. Everyone likes to be praised and every time you praise, you are considered kind and friendly, as if you can read peoples' good motives and behavior. Give people a fine reputation to live up to.

The art of happiness is strongly related to our ability to connect with people and be friendly. Most of the big successes start with someone knowing someone who knows someone and the willingness to be friendly and help. I can tell you for sure that my successes have followed this pattern. Friends are like a big family and having a big family contributes to happiness.

Wishing you many friends and lots of happiness that comes with friendship,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Stronger Together
• Save Your Energy
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)

Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

I walk around our neighborhood in the mornings and see different people. What surprises me often is how they respond when they notice me approaching. I am not too tall and quite thin, I wear normal clothes and a hat and there is nothing in my appearance that should cause anyone alarm. See for yourself on the left (not the best picture of me, but you get the idea).

Yet, some people cross to the other side of the street. They literally pick a spot well beyond contact distance and pretend they cannot see me. Other people, who might have to cross back to "my" side later to keep going, look down as they walk past me or give me a nervous forced smile, while picking up their pace.

I do not take it personally, but it makes me sad.

Men make more eye contact, their smile is more relaxed and they often greet me. Maybe they think they can handle a stranger better, if it ever came to "that" (an alternative is that only men find me attractive, but let's not go there).

Now, I used to suffer from fear of people myself. Maybe this is why I interpret others' behavior this way, but hopefully my suggestions today will be helpful either way.

Ronit loves to be around people. The more people, the better. She can glide into conversations, keep things moving happily and then glide out without hurting anyone's feelings. Whenever we went to social gatherings, I felt neglected. She would mix in and I would be left feeling awkward and alone. Any conversations I managed to get involved in only strengthened my belief that people were weird and hard to deal with.

When I became a manager, my job started involving more people and less technology. When I became a consultant, my people skills became even more important. Then, I worked on my beliefs about people with my life coach and set a goal to interact better socially. Finally, when Ronit and I started Be Happy in LIFE, I had to go out and connect with people so our business could succeed.

I would like to share my secrets with you, which you can use to relax, meet wonderful people, get more business, have more fun and, very importantly, raise children who are not afraid of people and can enjoy all those things too.

Make eye contact

The eyes are the window of the soul
- Old English Proverb

Eye contact is a non-verbal sign. It is the opening of communication with another human being. Nothing bad can happen from making eye contact with another person. The only thing it tells them is that we are interested in them and that is always good.

Instinctively, we interpret avoiding eye contact as a form of rejection. If looking at me shows interest, not looking at me shows disinterest.

So basically, looking at the floor, at your fingernails, at your shoes, at other people's shoes, at the food table, at the bar tender's pouring skill or anything of that sort immediate labels you as un-contactable and disinterested in the people around you.

On the other hand, raising your eyes and looking at another person will give that person a boost of confidence and open them up to more communication.

Smile

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart
- Anthony J. D'Angelo

Most people instinctively smile back when you smile at them. This is a very good thing, because smiling is linked in our brain to being happy and both of you will be happier by smiling. When you are happy, anything you do later is going to be better.

The challenge with smiling is that it cannot be faked. A fake smile can be detected by most people and is not linked to the happy feeling. In a strange way, you must find a way to smile genuinely, which requires you to be even a little bit happy to begin with.

So just think about the fact that the other person is there, likely as afraid as you are, and looking at YOU. If you smile, you are the brave one. If you smile, the other person will be thankful for your courage and will want to return the favor.

As soon as you are looking at each other and smiling, the next step should be easy.

Who is the most interesting person in the whole wide world?

If you ask anyone the above question, they would have to (secretly) admit that THEY are the most interesting to them. Specifically, they love hearing their name and how great they are.

That makes starting a conversation a lot easier than most people think. All you have to do is find something about the other person to ask about: their bright red shirt, their unusual name, their tan, their family ("Are these your kids?"), their special name tag, a comment they have just made in the conversation, etc. After that, just keep things positive.

In business networking events, carrying on a social conversation can be difficult, because everyone, including us, is there to get more business. Asking others about their life, their views and their business seems like a waste of time to many people.

Yet, I have found this method to be absolutely brilliant. So far, remember how looking at someone made them look back and make a connection? Remember how smiling at them made them smile back and strengthen the connection? Showing interest in someone else creates an imbalance, which the other person can feel. As soon as they have received enough attention, it is time to switch.

If you try to push your products or information on someone, they will run away, but if you show interest in them first, they will invite you to share the same information with them, because you have made them feel good. You just need to be patient and have faith in people.

Personal space is overrated

I believe that one of the major reasons people avoid contact with others is that their parents raised them to be considerate using fear as motivation. They say, "Excuse me", when they pass next to another person at the supermarket, they always move out of others' way first and they never ever interrupt.

The problem is that besides these behaviors, kids also learn they are not as valuable or worthy as other people are. If shopping at a public place requires an apology, if I always need to make way to others and if I need others to decide when it is my turn to speak, then I am not worth as much as other people. Maybe I am even worthless.

Of course, my parents are good, right? So who is to blame for my feeling of worthlessness? Those other horrible people who keep shopping at the same aisles, passing me in narrow places and talking and talking and talking. These people are so horrible, I want nothing to do with them.

In order to enjoy interacting with people, we need to believe that they are just like us, that they mean well, that they may be worried, that their parents may have taught them stuff they should not have too and that if we do not get close enough to them, we will never get to know them.

Being friendly on the street, dealing with one other person and social mingling are different things and there are other things that may affect your outcomes, such as you communication styles and love languages. For example, visual people do better in a crowd, because they can handle the auditory overload better, while digital people do better when there is something useful to discuss, but by feeling comfortable in the presence of other human beings, everybody does better.

So check your beliefs about other people, check how you behave towards people you do not know and when you meet new people, imagine there is a frightened little child inside them, pulling their strings. Then, look at that child, smile at him or her and help them come out to play ... with your frightened inner child.

Social skills for children

As parents, we can talk to our kids about the importance of social skills until we are blue in the face. What we do matters a lot more. It is hard to convince someone to do something you obviously struggle to do yourself.

If you are afraid of strangers, your kids will most likely be too. If you smile a lot, your kids will most likely smile a lot too. Your call.

Make eye contact,
Gal

You may want to read

• A Question of Identity
• Stronger Together
• More Control – Less Power

Mama knows best

Community nurses will tell you that the phrase "Mama knows best" is true and when a parent feels their child is suffering some kind of problem, they should be taken seriously and the child should be thoroughly checked until the problem is found and fixed. Ronit helps identify kids' problems regularly and is amazed at how many times parents arrive in desperation, having been dismissed and ignored by "the professionals".

So whether you are Mama or Papa, if you suspect your child might be having some sort of a problem, you know best. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you. Your child is your responsibility and if you say he or she needs help, that is good enough. Keep on searching and doing the best for your child until you succeed.

What's the problem with my child?

Excuse me if I use a computer metaphor, but in the IT world, there are 3 kinds of people: hardware engineers, software developers and implementers. Hardware engineers know how to combine electronic components and build computers. Software developers enable the hardware to do a lot of wonderful things. Implementers (business analysts) choose the best hardware, software, settings and methods to use in a particular context.

Parents, unfortunately, have to be all of them.

Check your kid's hardware

When I was a university student, I was a "big brother" to a disadvantaged boy in 2^nd Grade (let's call him Sunny). The poor kid' father lived somewhere else, money was nonexistent to the point where there was no running water, both his parents had a past of drugs (I had no proof about their present) and he was doing badly at school.

One day, as I was helping Sunny with his homework, he told me he could not see the board in class.

"What do you mean?" I asked, being very inexperienced at the time.

"When I sit in class, I see the teacher's writing on the board very blurry. Most of the time, I can't make out what she writes", he said sadly.

"Where do you sit in class?" I asked.

"I used to sit at the back, but then I could hardly see where the board was, so now I sit in the first row, but it's no good", he said.

"Maybe you need glasses", I suggested.

"I told my mom for a long time about this, but she didn't believe me", Sunny said miserably.

Ronit recently assessed a child who was not poor at all, lived with both his parents and still did poorly at school. After spending some time with him, she realized he did not pronounce words properly. After some specific testing, she concluded his problem was with his hearing.

His mother reacted to this diagnosis as a great revelation and immediately decided to have his hearing checked. After that is corrected, he is likely to go through a period of catching up and eventually have a normal life.

But others are not so lucky. in 1991, Ronit had a girl who was sensitive to the protein in milk. Since much of her diet (she was 2 years old) was dairy food, her nose was runny all the time and she suffered from frequent ear infections. Based on Ronit's diagnosis and recommendation, her mother took her (after months of convincing) to a specialist who operated on her ears and installed ear tubes to relieve the pressure in her ears.

Despite the clear indication that her daughter's health and hearing were affected by her diet, the girl's mother changed nothing. The little girl is now 22 years old and has not caught up with her age group. The period of partial deafness changed this girl's life forever.

So regardless of the symptoms, consider your child's "hardware" first, including eyes, ears, breathing, tongue and mouth, posture, quality and quantity of sleep, food sensitivities, allergies, vitamin and mineral deficiencies and muscle tone. Take your child to a reliable and open-minded doctor, run every suitable test and rule out "organic" causes.

Check your kid's software

Every child is pre-programmed with communication styles (visual, auditory, kinesthetic and/or digital) and love languages (affirmations, services, quality time, physical touch and/or gifts).

A totally healthy child with an excellent pair of eyes and a perfect brain may have great difficulty reading in a noisy place. Once you discover your child is auditory, that makes sense and the solution is clear.

A vital, bouncy child with no vision or hearing problems may struggle at school despite the teacher's best efforts. Once you discover your child is kinesthetic and needs to move, you can work out ways to liberate the little person and help him or her excel and be happy.

This blog contains many posts on stimulating children with various communication styles and a number of posts on supporting the different love languages, so if your child's physical checkups are all clear, read up on communication styles and love languages and check the child's "software".

Check your kid's implementation

Sunny's mother listened to him after a while and took him to an optometrist, who found out Sunny was very near sighted. He prescribed a thick pair of lenses and Sunny's mom, having no money to pay, chose the cheapest frame for them, which would be fully refunded by the government.

Sunny kept doing badly at school.

One day, I wondered about his glasses and asked him to show them to me. He refused and looked ashamed. I told him that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that Ronit has to wear glasses all the time, as did many other people we both knew.

After some convincing, he finally went to his schoolbag and produced a spectacularly ugly pair of glasses. He shyly showed it to me and said quietly, "I'm never wearing these at school. Never ever!"

"Don't you see better with your glasses? This is your chance to see what the teacher writes on the board and keep up", I said.

"I came with my glasses the first time and everyone called me 'four eyes' and laughed at me", he said, nearly in tears, "I told my mom to buy me a different frame, but she didn't listen to me and bought this bulky, ugly one. I look horrible in them and I'll never wear them to school".

Sunny cared a lot more about being accepted socially and having friends to play with than he did about his school performance. For a child who had been abandoned by his father, other people's company was precious and good grades were not going to bring his father back home.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions and due to a whole bunch of grownup considerations, we produce solutions that ignore the context of our kids' life. In some cases, the child will try for a while, but as soon as they have a choice, they will do something different (anyone with teenagers will agree).

We sometimes hear about kids who stayed at home until it was time to go to school and played very little with others. Their start is rough and involves a lot of friction with others, fighting over possession of toys and book, defiance and more. Some parents' reaction to this is to keep their kids at home for another year, until they "grow up" or even choose home schooling for them, believing they have social difficulties.

But without enough social experience, it is not surprising the kids have a hard time initially. What they need is not to grow up but to adjust and learn the rules of engagement, which the other children will quickly teach them. What they need is not more isolation but more time with other kids so that they can adjust faster and at a younger age.

The context makes all the difference sometimes, so check the "implementation".

Easy parenting,
Gal

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• Raising Grownups