One of the things I think we should all be prepared for is pressure. Pressure comes in a wide variety of shapes in our life - lack of sleep, hunger, a looming deadline at work, a baby screaming, physical pain, a growing debt, an accident, an illness, someone's death and so on. Each one of these presents a different challenge, but the common theme to all of them is that we are overwhelmed by emotion and all too often, reason goes out the window.

In a normal situation, when somebody cracks a joke at our expense, we may laugh along, but when we are under stress, we are more likely to lash out. Later, when we remember the situation, we may regret our outburst, but it is often too late to change its effects.

So how can we be prepared for times of stress?

First, we need to learn to pay attention, both to our internal universe and to how the world around us flows. Second, we should develop subconscious anchors that will help stop us before we do too much damage and allow us to remain productive even under pressure.

The Magician from the Judean Desert

This is an excellent book about an idealistic man who wanted to change the world when he was young and then married and lived an increasingly dull life, selling cosmetics for a living. He has a small apartment in the suburbs, two children and a cat. The mortgage weighs heavy and he falls asleep in front of the TV at night. The relationship with his wife has become mechanical and he has become short tempered…

An unexpected meeting with one of his childhood friends sets him off on a wonderful journey of personal growth and enlightenment. In the Judean Desert, he meets The Magician, a strange and spiritual sage who teaches him a simple way to achieve deep awareness and self-realization.

The Judean Desert Magician tells the man we go through life at top speed, but mostly on "autopilot", so we miss a lot of stuff, like what happens in our partner's and our kids' life. Have you ever found yourself driving for the 100^th time to a familiar place and noticing a part of the way for the first time? Have you ever noticed when you come in the door and your children rush to greet you, but you ask them to give you some space?

Our hero observes insects, hills, water and the wind, but also his own feelings, and learns to be aware of things he has long ignored. The Magician teaches him 5 steps:

1. Stop! Wake up! Remember! - instead of reacting automatically and out of habit, pay attention and remember you are on a journey to awareness. Do this as soon as you open your eyes in the morning, as well as whenever you catch yourself drifting. It would help to post these words where you can see them
2. Increase your sensitivity - observe those around you to practice being aware of their preferences and reactions. Spend some time every day watching people, both familiar and strange, and see how they behave and interact
3. Start things the right way - no matter what you begin, give it everything you have from the very start. Dress up in the morning, shave or put on makeup, make sure you have everything you need before leaving, arrange the room, check the lighting and do whatever it takes to set the scene for success
4. Watch the little things - gain perspective by observing nature and others in detail. Learn to appreciate what you have - size, strength, knowledge, skills, money, comfort, love, friends - by noticing how other creatures live without them. Focusing on the little things (like ants in the grass) is an excellent focusing and relaxing exercise. Just sit on the grass in a quiet spot, breath in the air and pay attention
5. See things from the present - instead of piling past experiences onto everything that happens to you, concentrate only on the present. To practice this, reject your first impressions and spend some time questioning them. Learn to bypass your programming, stop and re-evaluate
6. Reprogram - do things differently just to see what happens. Sleep on the other side of the bed, swap your knife and fork, wear unusual clothes, get up earlier, come to work late, take a day off in the middle of the week and see how your perspective changes

Integrate these steps into your life one at a time. Take as much time as you need to go through each of them and make it part of who you are. Gradually, you will start to respond to situations from the present and from your awareness of others, instead of reacting automatically.

Of course, as you get comfortable with these steps, why not involve your partner and your children too?

Personal power - hot vs. cold

In a charged emotional state, people first try to satisfy their immediate needs and act rashly. Unfortunately, this can be destructive. Little kids sometimes throw tantrums - they scream, jump up and down and fling their toys at the wall. In most cases, this should not change their parents' decision, but it may ruin a perfectly good toy.

Adults behave much the same, even if they express their frustrations in ways that are less physical. A snide remark may provide a temporary outlet, but the recipient may resent it, which would only escalate the pressure.

In most relationships, however, there are patterns of interaction and sources of stress that can be identified, predicted and prevented. For example, if you know you are cranky after only getting 4 hours of sleep, you can do something about it beforehand and save everyone from having a nasty morning. If you know one of your kids does not like spinach, you can prepare another healthy vegetable option for dinner.

Fundamentally, we should never assume our partner or our kids will be able to handle themselves well in "hot" situations and we should do some preparations while things are "cold" and everyone can see reason. Nor should we ever assume we will...

One excellent method with kids is to give them a 10-minute and a 5-minute warning before things are about to change - time for school, time for shower, time to go home from a friend, time to go to bed, etc.

With your partner, sensitive topics should be approached in privacy, when you are both relaxed and when there is enough time to work things out calmly.

But sometimes, things just happen when you do not expect them. For those times, it is a very good idea to agree while "cold" on a signal that reminds everyone to take a step back, collect their thoughts and separate the issue from the added pressure. This may be a phrase, like "Time out", a hand gesture, like the one students use in class to request permission to speak, a special effect, like ringing a bell, and even a hug. The sign must be known to everyone involved and practiced during mildly-stressful situations for a while.

Using the 6 awareness steps and finding ways to avoid and interrupt heated interactions are excellent preparations for what life throws at us from time to time.

Try them and let me know what you got.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Disengage Your Autopilot
• How to Handle Pressure
• War and Peace are Personal

Here are the last 5 typical teenager thoughts and tips to prevent or eliminate them.

I prefer to be alone

"Thank God they are going away this weekend. I can have the house to myself. I can watch TV as much as I like, play the computer as much as I like and eat whatever I want. Freedom at last!"

What parents can do

When kids reach the teen years, they loves to be on their own sometimes and it is normal and healthy for them to be on their own. Even bringing a babysitter to stay with them (to take care of the other kids, of course) can give them that sense of freedom and it is not a sign of your good or bad parenting.

Having an evening when they can do something different is very attractive to teenagers and as a parent, you need to provide them with opportunities for such time. I remember myself at the age of 15 having the time of my life when my parents were away for the weekend. I did all the same things I did when they were there, but it felt better. On evenings when they went out, we played hide and seek in the dark and I still have wonderful memories of those special days.

When kids are young, have an evening a week away from home. Go to the movies or meet friends, just leave the house and let them know they have the house for themselves so they can plan what to do. Our kids order pizza some evenings or make their own dinner, they walk to the local shops to bring a movie, they play on the computer a bit longer and listen to music in full volume. They bake or go to have dinner outside and they have a wonderful bonding time together.

It is OK if they do not join all your weekend activities and you will find that your time away is a very happy occasion for your teens. It is not losing power but giving and gaining respect. Remember to set the rules about bedtime or having friends over (we do not allow our kids to invite friends over when we are not home for safety reasons, because if there is a child in our house, we are responsible for them in the eyes of the law and we obviously cannot be responsible if we are not there).

I'm better than my parents

"I'm much smarter than my dad. He was not that smart when he was my age. That's a shame. He no longer can help me."

What parents can do

This is life. Kids today are smarter than their parents were and it is better not to fight it and try to show them you are smarter. However, although you may not be smarter, you are wiser, so it is not true you cannot help them. Your love, your experience, your years of practice and your caring are the greatest ways anyone can help and you will be able to give them for a long time.

Stop pretending to be "all knowing". You are not! When your teens ask you something and you do not know the answer, say, "I don’t know the answer for this, but I'll help you find it". My kids are very musical and all play musical instruments. I do not know how to read music (I once asked them to teach me to play a piano piece - you can see my first piano concert). Since they were young (for Tsoof, since he was 5 years old), they cannot ask my help with their music, but I consider myself a wonderful helper with their musical adventures. I sit with them, listen when they play, enjoy it, praise them, take them to and from rehearsals and private lessons. You do not have to play music to help your kids with music and you do not have to know math to help them with their math homework.

If a child needs help, learn to admit that you do not know, but always be willing to help them find the answer or the solution. Being there for them is the smartest thing you can do.

Time to leave

"I don't think like them anymore. I don't agree with anything they say. Maybe it's the end of our relationship. We can't live in the same house when they say one thing and I say the opposite. That's no way to live together. Maybe it's time for me to leave."

What parents can do

Thinking differently is no reason to leave, but when teens reach a point when there are too many conflicts, they may do anything to avoid them. Many parents instill this thought in kids'/teens' mind in two ways.

• When they divorce or separate, they give the child the message that there is a point in time when there are too many arguments and it is better to say goodbye. There is no way around it. Every separation, even if it is done in the best way possible, will plant the seed of "Too hard means no love and goodbye" (most of the time, it is "badbye").
• When parents use their position to control the child and send them conditional messages, like "To get my love and appreciation, you need to be successful at school/smart/sporty/do what I tell you/agree with me/obey my instructions, etc", then the kids think that agreement = love and therefore disagreement means there is no love.

Many adults are still in this position, trying to please their own parents to get over this feeling. So, this belief is very heavy to carry and teens carry it to adulthood. Try to make sure your relationships are not full of conditions. A rule of thumb: if you talk too much about discipline, you are parenting with conditions.

I look horrible

"My skin is not the same as it was before. I looked in the mirror for hours and I don't know what to do. Kids make fun of my freckles/pimples. I wish I could find a way to hide it."

What parents can do

No teenager's skin is ever the same as they were during childhood, so this is a very natural feeling and it is not easy to cope with, especially during the teenage years, when so much stuff happens at once.

Be there for your teens when they experience physical changes during their teen years and share with them your own experience to help them understand this is only temporary. Teens think that the way they look may be the end of the world. Realizing their parents have gone through the same thing can help them relax about it.

Never undermine a child who feels bad about their skin and appearance. Help them find solutions. Eating healthy food is a wonderful solution and making sure the house is free from food that damages the skin (white flour products, sweets, sugary drinks and junk food) will be highly appreciated by teens.

Never make fun of your children and do your best to help your kids find the right food and supplements to help with their skin problems. It can help a lot and teens may not be able to buy it for themselves.

What are they hiding?

"Every time I ask them about their childhood, they avoid answering. I think they are hiding things from me. If they hide things from me, I will hide things from them."

What parents can do

Teens are very sensitive to those around them. 40% of them are kinesthetic in their communication style, so they are even more sensitive than others. Hiding things from them jeopardizes the trust you are trying to build with them. When they ask questions about your childhood, they are trying to form their identity by learning about you, your desires, faults, talents, experiences, knowledge, strategies, values and fears. The more related your stories are to the way they feel, the more they will be open to sharing theirs with you.

When teens get the feeling you might be hiding something from them, their mind goes into full-speed search for what horrible secrets you are keeping from them. I agree that it is not suitable to tell your kids everything that goes on in your mind, but be open and share stories about your childhood in a way that is appropriate for the developmental stage of the child.

Lying is not recommended either, because by the teen years, your kids know you well enough to tell when you are lying. Sharing both beautiful and ugly stories from your childhood can be a wonderful lesson in values and learning.

Last year, I had a talk with my son Tsoof, who was 15 years old then, about success at school. I had talked for years about my own bad school experiences, but they had not sunk in, because he was shocked when I told him I had been kicked out of school at the end of 10^th Grade (not to worry, I went straight back in and got a scholarship for excellence the year after).

Hiding something from kids is very heavy. Sometimes, it makes it harder to cope. If you want them to share things with you, share your things with them and if they share with you something you are not happy about, make sure you still express your appreciation for the trust and the honesty. Remember, it is better if they come and tell you when something is wrong than if they do not. Be a role model.

I hope this series has given you some insight into teens' mind. Many parents want to know what happens there and I believe that most teenagers hold some combination of the above thoughts.

If your teens blame you for all their troubles in life, remember to say that no matter how much grief they give you, you would not replace them for the world and that your love to them does not change even if they do things you are not happy with.

Another thing you can do is to sit down in a quiet place, take a deep breath, relax and remember how your life was during your teenage years.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

As in previous chapters, here are 5 things teens think and feel that scare them and make them act weird, and what you can do about them. I hope it will help you find alternative ways to address the issues and prevent them from keeping those thoughts any longer.

My parents are cruel and weak

"I think my parents are cruel. They hate me. They scream, shout and always tell me I'm wrong. They brought me into the world to torture me. They are weak. How can I trust them when I need help if they are so weak?"

What parents can do

When children are upset, they may think that you are behaving the way you do with the ultimate purpose of hurting them. Many parents mistake discipline for power when in fact, abusing your power and yelling, shouting or telling kids they are wrong are signs of weakness and may cause your children, especially teenagers, not to trust you to support them when they need help. This is because using pressure and force is all about you, not them.

The best way to prevent this is to start very early and examine the use of your power. If you control the family's money and use it to threaten your children or bribe them, you are likely to be perceived as cruel. If you control many aspects of your kids' life and use that control to force them to do things they do not want do, your actions, although you may have all the justification for them, will not translate into motivation but into resentment and anger.

Having clear rules and having responsibility as a parent does not give you the right to force your kids. When a teacher shouts and yells in class, the kids are convinced the teacher is weak and easy to set off. The smart kids will trigger this in an instant by "stepping" on the teacher's emotional "toes". Teenagers are the smartest kids in the house, so when they find out their parents are not all that powerful, they trigger your fear and frustration in no time.

Confident parents do not fall into this trap. They are artists of motivation and do everything to trigger internal motivation in their kids. When they become teenagers, they will have the good sense to do the right things for themselves. It does not mean these parents have no conflicts with their teens, but they treat their kids with respect during conflicts and everybody wins.

Do not threat, do not bribe, do not set conditions, like "I will give you this if you succeed at school". Do not shout and yell. Find your core of strength, stay calm and show respect to keep your teens free from anxiety and confident they can trust you.

Leave me alone!

"I need privacy. I don't want anyone getting into my room. I need a locker on my things. I hate the idea of my brother or my parents searching my things. I wish I had a place of my own."

What parents can do

During the teen years, when the body changes so much, children require more privacy not only to explore their sexuality but also to have the time to think without disruption and to separate themselves from their family. This separation is very healthy and important. It does not mean they will leave home tomorrow, but they are practicing being on their own, while the family is still around.

For teens never to think like that, their family must have some privacy rules and they must be taught very early, so that by the time children reach adolescence, they can be certain no one will look at their personal things or enter their room when it is inappropriate.

If a child expresses a need for a private room, try to arrange a private room. It is not always possible, but even a balcony with a divider is better than nothing. Gal's parents arranged a room for Gal's sister when she was 15 years old in the laundry room. She was the happiest teenage girl ever.

I wanted to have my own room all my life. At the age of 16, when my sister left home, I finally had my private room. My younger sisters and I were in such a great relationship at that stage, I stayed with them in their room, which was bigger, until late at night and we did not want to go to sleep so we would not have to say goodbye to each other for the night. I was hardly ever in my own room.

Therefore, it is best to listen to your kids and not assume that they need a private room. Gal and I wanted a private room for each of our children, but they find any excuse they can to "sleep over" in each other's rooms. Tsoof and Noff share a room and feel lonely going to sleep without the other one.

Some parents do not like the idea of locking for safety reasons. Regardless, teach your kids to knock and wait for permission to enter and be a role model. Never enter your kids' (especially teenagers') room without knocking and waiting for permission.

Also, do not go through their things and be very strict about all your children's private things. When one child touches the other one's private thing, be very clear that "we do not touch other people's private things". Again, this is about respect and trust.

You're not the boss of me!

"They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me when to go to sleep or when to come back from a party. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. What do they know about being a teenager today anyway?"

What parents can do

Parents are in charge of the family, but they can be bosses or leaders. The difference for teens is that bosses give orders and do not care about their employees' thoughts and feelings, while leaders set an example and take into consideration everyone's internal motivations and wellbeing. A boss is afraid employees' might find he is not all knowing and a leader knows he is not all knowing and asks his employees' opinions, feelings and support.

Parent from strength and not from weakness. When you are using force, you are weak. Set rules, but be flexible with rules and not too strict about them. When you are unreasonably strict, it is a sign that you are afraid of losing your power if your kids do not follow your rules 100%. It is OK to come late from time to time. You come late from time to time and you survive your own little slip-ups.

Make sure you ask your teens for their opinion, thoughts and feelings. Respect them and tell them you were once a teenager too and you accept that times have changed, because they have, and what was acceptable 25-35 years ago is not acceptable today and vice versa.

Allow your children to have their own feelings and thoughts, They are not extensions of you. If you want them to be little copies of you, it is a sign you are looking to reinforce yourself. Your kids should grow up to be better than you are. Duplicating you will only keep them behind their generation.

My money, my life

"I want to have my own money and to buy my own things. I hate it when my parents tell me what to buy. It's my right to choose my own clothes, make-up and stuff. They're so old they just don't understand anything about fashion."

What parents can do

"Money and teens" is a big issue. While a 9-year-old will manage if you have financial issues, teens find it harder to be seen in public during their parents' financial struggles. Many parents believe that the solution to all their struggles is having lots of money and giving their kids everything they want, but I do not agree with this.

I have always had enough money, but I did not give my kids everything they wanted. I grew up in a house that did not have a lot of money. In fact, I grew up in a very poor family and I do not think I understood what my parents had to go through in order to provide for us. Kids should know! It may not be appropriate to tell them all the details of your financial struggles, but being open and honest about it can help greatly in changing their beliefs about money and about you.

Being dependent on parents for money is not fun. Admit it! It was not fun when you had to ask your parents for money. I do not think this can be avoided completely, but there are ways of giving kids (especially teens) some freedom with money.

I used pocket money as soon as my kids could count (about 3 years old) and the rule in our family is that parents buy the things we need - clothes, school uniforms, shoes, food and groceries - and our kids can do whatever they want with their pocket money. Kids must learn to spend money and they can only do it when they are free to make mistakes. If they use all their money at once on something, they learn the hard way that money does not grow on trees.

Having the money does not give you the right to determine what they will wear. Yes, there are limits, but you are not likely to share their taste and their fashion sense, no matter how much money you have. You can say how much money you are willing to give, you can insist on going shopping with them, you can insist on not buying torn or low-quality clothes, but do not get into fashion arguments. You are about 30 years behind the current teen fashion, so let go! If you insist, they will wear whatever they want as soon as they leave home anyway. Any control you may have now is only temporary, so do not use your money to control them.

Help your teenagers get a part-time job regardless of how wealthy or poor you are and teach them money management. Guide your teenagers gently through making purchasing decisions. Teach, but do not preach!

Everybody has one

"I must have that pair of sneakers/smartphone/game console or I will have no friends and everyone will laugh at me and treat me like an outsider. I can't show my face at a party with this old piece of mobile phone junk. Everyone has Internet connections and unlimited calls and text. Why do I have to be different?"

What parents can do

Being accepted and being cool are the most important things for teenagers. They are just as important for parents of teenagers or they would not get new cars, bigger houses and more impressive job titles. Wanting to be accepted is a high need and it hits its peak during adolescence. If you think it must be painful, you are wrong! There is a great way to make sure your kids never think this way and when it comes up in arguments, there is a great way to reply to it.

Teach your kids that they are special without gadgets. Help them define their identity and keep telling them "Be special. Be yourself". Being unique and independent is a blessing, while continually measuring themselves against others robs them of their freedom.

Noff has no mobile phone, Tsoof does not have a smartphone and my kids do not have never a game console or any other trendy gadget, mainly because they do not need them. When there is a need, we examine it and buy what is suitable and not what is best advertised. We teach our kids that status symbols are a way to pressure us into doing things we would not do otherwise and that many of those things waste our time and our mind.

The latest sneakers are not a need. Basic healthy food is a need. Sleep is a need. Drinking water is a need. Shelter is a need. Clean clothes are a need. Human company is a need. Do not let your teens use the word "need" inappropriately. Teach your kids to focus on what they have and not on what they lack. In fact, you should start when they are 5 years old.

If we do get into an argument and my kids say, "Why do I have to be different?" I answer, "You are different no matter how many gadgets you have. You have lived in different places around the world, you are talented, your mom and dad are still together, you speak two languages, you love your siblings, you are smart, you are friendly, you are sensitive, you love to learn, you are successful - you are different. We have spent a lot of energy to make you different and that's the way we like it". I think they understand.

It may also help to take an honest look at your own buying habits and consider the example you are setting. Actions speak louder than words, especially with teenagers.

Join me next week for the 5 last thoughts teenagers have that make their life hard and create lots of conflicts with their parents, along with what you can do to prevent them from thinking that way and how to eliminate those thoughts if they come up.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

In the past, people thought that teens' behavior during the teenage years was directly connected to physical changes they start to experience at the age of 12, which makes them feel strange with their body changes and confuses them.

Today, the approach is that adolescence is a more gradual process that starts with the first time children want to try doing things on their own, sometime as early as the age of 3.

If teenagers seem confused to you, it is mainly because they have reached a point in their life when they need to define who they are, what they think, what they like or hate, what their beliefs are and what they wants to be later on in life. These thoughts are tough. I know many adults who have not reached that self-definition yet, so this is not easy for a 12-year-old to do, although they are expected to have some clue about it.

One of the problems parents have with their kids is that they do not really understand what is so confusing about life. It is mainly because they forgot their thoughts and feelings during that time in their own life. Some parents have erased these thoughts when they no longer had to deal with them. Some consider their own teen behavior as criticism towards their parents and avoid dealing with it. Only the brave parents keep these memories to make sure they will not repeat their parents' "mistakes".

Around the age of 10, beliefs that were part of children's identity are shattered and they need to put the pieces together to survive emotionally. Kids with high emotional intelligence can do that, but most cannot, so they have to ask for help from those who unintentionally create the problem - their parents or their teachers.

This series will give you a sneak peek into teens' confused brain and help you understand why it is so hard do be a teenager. I still remember my adolescence, I am raising my second teen, the third one is reaching puberty soon and I have worked with lots of teenagers in the last 25 years, so this list is quite reliable.

Following each belief and confusing thought, there is a section explaining the source of the belief and showing what parents can do to help their teenagers change that thought or belief and go through a healthy maturing process.

Schools is not for me

"I have realized that I go to school because my parents want me to go there to prepare me for life. But it is not preparing me for life. Who needs to know the square root of a number by heart? Who needs to find an angle in a triangle? School is a prison and my parents just send me to prison ever day. I can't trust them to make decisions that are good for me."

What parents can do

It is very important throughout your kids' school life not to repeat this mantra to children and to be honest about the reasons they go to school. Kids go to school because parents cannot teach them by themselves or do not want to do it.

Some of what happens at school is great, some is boring and some is not about preparing kids for life. When talking to your child about it, admit that you understand some of it is just a waste of time and help your kids focus on the good that can still come out of going to school.

All my kids have always gone to school for the breaks, for the fun days and for the extracurricular activities (band, dance, sport, etc). Still, they are all very good students. When they complained about school, we said, "You're right, this is a waste of time", "Yeah, I used to hate it too" or "I agree, you will probably never need that after school".

Allow your teens to hate parts of their schooling and they will not blame you for sending them to prison. Help them see the good parts of school too. Positive focus and honesty are two of the best ways to prepare them for life.

Don't tell me what to do

"My parents humiliate me and make me do things I hate doing. How would they feel if I told them to go to bed early or clean the house? I'm not their slave. What if someone grounded them for a week every time they didn't do the right thing? They don't love me. I hate them."

What parents can do

A teenager thinking like this is being controlled by his parents. There is usually a good reason for them to think like that, so check your parenting style. Are you parenting from fear of losing control or are you parenting with confidence?

Teenagers who feel controlled by their parents do not understand that parents and children are not equal and that parenting comes with responsibility. Usually, this is a sign that the home is parent-centered and that is not comfortable for the child. Although no home should be completely child-centered, there is a place in between where parents set a good example for helping and they expect things from their kids that they also expect from themselves.

If you are angry with your child for not clearing the table after a meal while you are in another room watching TV, the child will resent you and question your leadership. Be a role model and remember that the need for control is seen by teenagers as a sign of weakness (which is an accurate observation).

I hate my brother/sister

"My big sister is my greatest enemy. She has way more rights than me. She shouts, she take things away from me, she hits me and because she is stronger, she cheats, but Mom and Dad do nothing about it. They love her more than they love me. I hate her and I hate them."

What parents can do

A home cannot be a jungle where kids need to survive. It needs to be a place of comfort and not a place of fear. When there are conflicts between siblings, parents are not kings and queens that rule the house. They are those who make justice.

Sibling rivalry is a sign that the family rules are not clear, which leaves room for power struggles.

Preferring one child over another because of age ("He's young, give him what he wants" or "He's the eldest, so he has rights"), because of ability ("Shhh, we want to hear her sing"), because of disability ("He can't do it, just help him") or because of gender ("He's a boy, so he can go out and nothing will happen to him, but you're a girl, so going to a party is much more dangerous for you") is a form of discrimination. It sends the message that the rules are not stable - they can change.

This is scary situation, because not everyone understands what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries are. Only the parents can solve it, so make sure the rules are fair and clear!

Will she like me too?

"Suddenly, when I stand next to a girl, I feel different. I blush and my heart starts beating fast. I think I sweat too much around girls. I think I like her, but I can't say anything to anyone. What if she doesn't like me in return? My friends will make fun of me. I'm afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I'm also afraid someone else might ask her and she'll say 'yes'. It'll be devastating if it happens."

What parents can do

Teaching kids about the natural physical and emotional changes can help greatly in situations like this. Treating this period in life as a normal and healthy period can make life much easier for teenagers.

Ask your daughter when she wants to go together to get her first bra before she asks for it. Tell her about what to expect when she gets her period before she comes to you in panic after hearing the other girls talk. Teach your son how to shave. Celebrate hair in new places and changes in the voice.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about these things, get someone else you trust to do it. It is better if they hear it from you or from someone you trust than from other kids who have lots of fear and misunderstanding about these changes. Remember, when you avoid talking about puberty and sexual development, you make your teens think there is something wrong or dirty about it.

Talk to your teenagers about your first love to help them understand it is natural. Talk to them about disappointment and love you did not get in return to help them understand that the adults in their life have experienced these things and survived.

The topic of peer pressure is something that needs to be addressed from a very early stage of your child's schooling. What others think about you is theirs and it is not healthy to let them pressure you to do or not do things. It is important for kids to gain confidence and trust themselves and their own judgment and every time they are subject to peer pressure, they shrink their own judgment and become weaker.

Parents don't know everything

"I think dad is not as smart as he says he is. Last week, when I talked to him about something, he talked as if he knew everything, but I knew he didn't, because we'd learned about it at school. Maybe there are many things he doesn't know and he only talks about them in this "I'm smart and I know everything" tone. How can I trust him?"

What parents can do

Some parents talk in a way that seems very confident to their kids, as if they know everything. Parents like to be in this position and when it changes, they feel a bit helpless and try to maintain their know-it-all image for fear that kids' knowing more than them creates a risky relationship.

It is very natural for kids growing up in this generation to get to a stage when they know more than their parents do. All my kids have had musical training and I have had none. There is no point pretending I know as much as they do after 8-10 years of learning and practicing. My kids grew up in an English-speaking environment and English is a native language to them. Sometimes, when I look for a word, I ask them. It is better to admit they know more when they do. It does not reduce or weaken me in any way. It only helps them consider me as human and trust me, which makes their teen years easier.

To prevent your teens from feeling they cannot trust you, be honest even when they are younger. If they ask you something you do not know, say simply, "I don't know". If there is anything they can do better then you, ask for their help. It is better for them to realize there are things you do not know from as early as possible. It saves them this very common shock later and strengthens your bond with them.

Join me next week for another sneak peek into teens' mindset and ways for you to understand and help them change their thoughts in a positive way.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

During the Easter break, we watched the movie Canvas with the kids. It tells the story of a family in which the mother has Schizophrenia. The father works as a builder for a rich jerk who buys speedboats and cars, but pays him too little too late, so they do not have enough money for medicine, which their basic health insurance refuses to cover.

The film shows how being poor and sick can have negative effects on your life and spin it out of control so quickly that it is super hard to recover. Because people expect certain behavior from adults, the mother creates a scene, which gets them thrown out of public places, like restaurants. Business owners may empathize with someone who sees imaginary people, but they still have a business to run.

The boy, being young, cannot truly understand what is happening to his mother. Unfortunately, neither can his schoolmates, who bully him for it. Also unfortunately, the father is a simple man who struggles to get by and lacks the emotional tools to help his son relax and cope with the mother's strangeness and absence, let alone the additional social burden he has to endure.

So next thing you know, the kid starts going nuts too, has a fight with the boss' kid, screams at his mom when she shows up at his birthday party with clown hats and a cake and skips school left right and center. Eventually, the principal and the boss catch up with the father and the father loses his job.

The whole time, I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "Don't they have a family? Where are the grandparents? Where are the uncles and aunts and cousins?"

But there were none. In fact, the woman who lived next door seems to want nothing better than for them to leave her neighborhood. When the mother runs outside and stands in the rain talking to people only she can see, the neighbor calls the police and they take the mother away to a mental hospital, where the doctors sedate her and test different drugs on her.

The only people who are nice and helpful are the father's friends from work - big guys who lend a hand and a smile. It is great at times, but it is not enough.

Working with clients, I sometimes try to convince them to invest in a solution that takes a bit more upfront, but saves and produces more down the road. In such cases, I often use the expression "Poor man pays twice" when comparing their options.

And it is true! When you have no car, you waste even more time getting to and from places. When you have no money for regular doctor and dentist checkups, your health problems grow until you have to treat them at any cost. When you have no steady job with a good group rate for health insurance, you either pay a lot more or have no cover until it is too late. When you have to work extra hours just to make ends meet, you neglect your family and you lose what little emotional support you could have when you finally get home (as long as you have a home, that is).

Ronit and I once went to give free hugs with our kids and some friend at an event for homeless people. The experts there told us that most of these homeless folks have some form of mental illness or substance abuse and others had some large calamity wipe out their financials. The homeless people you see on the streets, by the way, are not all of them. There are many people "crashing" at homes of friends or relatives, sometimes for a while and sometimes without knowing when they can get back on their own two feet.

Even people who are not officially poor can be devastated by some unforeseen event, like an accident, a major illness or the collapse of their shares portfolio. Pretty soon, they cannot pay their credit card debt in full and the exorbitant interest rate kicks in, leeching any money they can gather with no end in sight and crippling their chances of recovery rapidly.

The answer, my friend, is community.

A community is based on social norms, which means everyone works for the general best interest, without counting favors. As long as everyone is equally concerned about others' wellbeing as the others are about theirs, the community buffers harm and increases good.

When you move into a new house, a community welcomes you with smiles and some food, shows you around the neighborhood and offers to watch your kids when you need that. Nobody needs to tell you your services will be equally needed to complete the picture. You will offer them freely once you have settled in.

When your child goes to a new school, a community assigns a "buddy" to show them around and tell them "how things are done here". Their buddy introduces them to kids with similar interests and checks in on them until they feel safe. Other kids get excited to see new kids and invite them to social gatherings and parties as a matter of course.

Other communities can be the basketball club, afternoon art class, marching band, athletics team, religious organization, youth group, Scouts, Guides, the local chamber of commerce or trade union chapter and even the bank.

The biggest sign that these are not working very well for people these days is ... (drum roll) ... the popularity of social media sites, like Facebook. Human beings long so much to belong to a community, they join one online if they have to. They will exchange recipes with a person in another country if their neighbor stays behind closed doors. They will play online games with "friends" from half way around the world who may not speak the same language if their school is full of bullies.

The best thing about communities is that they have something in common - a sport, a hobby, a religious belief, a political opinion or a social cause. Sometimes, it is the place of work and sometimes, it is just the street everyone lives in. That common thing can unite very different people, if only they stopped long enough to focus on what they have in common.

So I say go out and meet other folks wherever you can. Pluck up the courage and reach out to other human beings, even ones you have never talked before. Join a club, become a member of an association, coach little league, cheer for the local team, bake cakes for the school's fundraiser, go to networking events to find people you like, ask your neighbors how they are doing, throw parties and accept barbecue invitations. If you prefer to start online, join communities that also meet offline (I personally like Meetup).

Because, really, we are all in the same boat. We all lose a loved one at some stage, we all need to make a living, we all try to raise our children the best we can, we all want to fulfill our dreams and we all want to feel like we belong.

As parents, not only is this going to provide your family with the support it needs, but it will show your kids how to build communities and give them enough practice at it to create a safer, warmer world for themselves one social circle at a time.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• Sharing and Caring
• Bullying (15): How to help bullying victims
• Bullying (14): How to help bullying victims

At the headquarters of National Semiconductor in Santa Clara, California, there was a sign posted on the wall of a corridor, which read

Doing no more than the average is what brings the average down

Let's say 10 people do their best work digging holes. On average, they dig 5 holes a day, because 1 digs 7 holes, 2 dig 6 holes, 4 dig 5 holes, 2 dig 4 holes and 1 digs 3 holes.

On their second week of work, they are told about the group's average performance. Those who dug more than 5 holes in the previous week feel like they gave more than the rest, so they all slow down and dig 5 holes each. So 7 people now dig 5 holes each, while the others continue as before.

The new average? 4.6 holes per person per day. So by doing no more than the (previous) average, a new average is created, which is lower, and this could continue until everybody digs 3 holes a day, like the slowest worker.

How is this related to the divorce rate?

In the past, divorce was unacceptable in many societies. Once people got married, which was often by parental arrangement, they were stuck with their partners for life. Marriage was literally "until death do us part". Being married for life was what everybody did. The average divorce rate was 0%.

Believing that ending their marriage while both partners were alive was not an option, the only available course of action was to make the marriage work. Sometimes, that was just as much fun as digging holes, but everyone dug 7 a day and kept their mouths shut.

Now, when you try to make a marriage work and you are committed to it for the long haul, you make decisions accordingly. You join bank accounts, split the responsibilities for best household performance and comfort, do your best to get to know your partner and try to be accommodating. In return, you could also rely on your partner to be there for you in times of difficulty, simply because he or she was as committed to the marriage as you were.

But even before the marriage started, young people (or their parents) spent time considering "the right person", the person they would commit the rest of their life to and that would commit theirs back to them. In every society, the values and preferred qualities were different, but still, there was more of an effort to make the best choice of partner.

At some point, perhaps because of exposure to other ways of life and alternative sets of beliefs, divorce became an option. At first, it was easier on the men, then it became easier on the women, but the floodgates were opened.

After that, the average started to crawl upwards. Knowing another person, maybe even a friend or a relative, who had divorced, gave unconscious permission to others to do the same. Celebrities' divorces started to make the whole thing fashionable. Why, if so-and-so could get a divorce and remain beautiful, rich and famous, anybody could.

Of course, when you think of your marriage as a temporary arrangement, from which you can always "bale out", your decisions are all different. You always have to cover yourself in the event of your marriage's untimely demise.

So you keep a personal bank account "on the side". Just in case. Who knows when you might need it? And you keep in touch with some friends from your past who have shown an interest in you. Just in case. Who knows when you might have to spend the night somewhere else?

But you also approach your partner in a more cautious way. On the surface, it may be presented as respect, but maybe there is more than a little bit of fear in it. Fear of causing a big enough fight, of losing the relationship, of losing the kids, the house, the comfort.

I know some people who live in "his house" or drive "her car". Living in someone else's house must feel like living on charity. It is not a good foundation for an equal relationship.

In "blended families", people may even struggle with the question "Whose child is this?" If a man marries a woman with a 2-year-old child, at which point does he become the kids' dad? Does he ever? What if he wants to tell the kid to go to bed at 11pm? Does he have the right?

And the more divorces, the more permission to divorce and the more divorces still. After all, "Everybody's doing it".

If this is not enough, divorces have created such a big market that dating sites provide a lot more than 50 ways to leave your lover. "Family" lawyers abound who will help you prepare such prenuptial agreements you will start suspecting your prospective partner before you even say, "I do", and you will have that agreement on your mind in difficult times to help you calculate the benefits of breaking up the marriage.

Of course, with a strong "prenup", you can jump into marriage with just about anyone, because you can always get out of it in a hurry too.

Kids? Nope, nothing in the prenup about them. Tough (for them, anyway).

Now, all of the above is my interpretation of how it works, but I can tell you there are people I know who demonstrate these differences in attitude so well, I feel it is about right.

Bottom line:

1. Forget what everybody is doing and do the best you can in your own marriage
2. If you are not married (again) yet, consider communication styles, love language, beliefs and values before joining hands (civil or religious, it does not matter)
3. Imagine a full life with your partner, including having kids, moving, making money, losing money, having a mid-life crisis (one each), kids leaving home, retirement and old age (may we all get to that in peace), and be ready for them
4. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to that one special person and decide to see your relationship as breakable only by death, and maybe not even that (who knows?). Make every decision within the marriage framework and make every decision count
5. Share ownership of everything you own officially. In our modern times, this is one of the strongest ways to demonstrate your commitment - putting your money where your mouth is
6. Invest in yourself as a person. It is much easier being together when you are happy
7. Develop your relationship skills and invest in your partner and your marriage
8. Children of divorced parents hurt for life. Remember your responsibility for your kids and always consider how your decisions affect them
9. Keep an image of your partner from when you decided to tie your lives together. This can be a picture or anything else that reminds you how you felt about him or her. Use this image to strengthen your commitment and to help you notice these things in your partner every day

Just to clarify, "marriage" is any exclusive adult relationship that involves living together and sharing resources, especially when children are involved.

Happy marriage,
Gal

You may want to read

• Anger Management: Be Prepared
• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender

The problem with pressure is that it also damages our ability to reason and function severely. It interferes with remembering things, with being creating and with our perception of what goes on around us. We see the world through narrow slits in a thick armor, we see everything tinted bright red, we hear everything pitchy and sharp and very little makes sense.

Intense pressure can even make us feel like there is no hope and nobody to help us. It is as if we are invisible.

A long time ago, I saw a movie, I think it was Ordinary People, where a mother walked over to her teenage son, touched him gently and said, "I see you". That line stuck with me and I have used the idea in it many times with the people I love.

In another movie, Dune, people fight with invisible shields, which are very effective at blocking quick, strong sword movements. When fighting a person using this type of shield, the only way to defeat them is with a slow moving movement, like sticking a knife in while distracting their attention.

I think the "I see you" method works well because the other person is using an invisible shield that is very effective at blocking direct methods, like advice, jokes and uninvited help. It works especially well with teenagers, who see many things as threats to their identity and independence.

When we see someone we care about under pressure, we often try to help by finding out about their problem and then offering a solution. Other times, there may be a conflict between what we need and what the other person needs, which makes us focus on getting what we need. Both of these methods generally fail when there is enough stress involved.

You see, albeit irrational, most people translate having a problem to "I'm not good enough". If you try to help them, it just means they were not good enough to solve their own problem. If you focus on yourself, that is yet another thing they have to deal with.

A better approach is to validate the person, to make them feel good about themselves despite what they might be dealing with and to reassure them that they are not alone.

When Ronit and I go to bed at night, no matter what happened during that day, no matter what I still have to do the following day (and maybe even later), no matter if we talk about our challenges and find solutions or not, I still get to cuddle with her and all my worries dissolve. My body just lets go of the pressure and I surrender to the softness and warmth of her embrace.

Unfortunately for our kids, they have nobody to cuddle with in bed. Unfortunately for all of us, our daily pressures build up so quickly sometimes that going 16 hours until we can feel accepted and validated again seems like a very long time.

So in-between, we can send little signs of affirmation to one another, particularly when we can see someone who is under pressure. We can let them know that we see them, that we are there for them and that we care about them even when they are hard on themselves.

Here are some ways to say, "I see you":

• Catch their eye and smile
• Blow them a kiss
• Walk over to them and put your hand on their shoulder for a while. According to Reiki, this is a way to give them positive energy, which their body will use as it needs. This is a gentle way of distracting them from their mental down-spiral and giving them something warm to focus on
• Give them a hug and hold on until you feel them relax (typically, they will take a deep breath just before). If the person is sitting down, try something else first, but if they are standing, a hug should be great. Offer the hug without words, if you can. Stretching your arms out should be obvious enough. If you need to say something, rather than saying, "Give me a hug", say, "How about a hug?" and wait for approval.
• If you know they like it, stroke their hair, massage their shoulders or hold their face in your hands. As you do, try to turn their gaze upwards. Our brain is wired so that negative thoughts are only possible when we look down and looking up is all about the future
• Pressure is a lot easier to handle when you have had enough sleep, enough water and enough food. Cater to their physical needs
• Give them space by keeping things quiet and by taking care of things that might add to their burden, like making dinner or washing the dishes. When Ronit is particularly busy, she really appreciates the person who takes care of dinner, because it is one less thing she needs to worry about
• Give them a little note saying, "I love you", "I'm here for you" or even "Bad day?" You can also put a flower down beside them as a symbolic note
• Tell them, "I see you", and explain what it means when you do it the first time. This can become part of your "secret code" with your children and your partner

Whatever you do, approach slowly and gently and focus on making the other person feel good overall.

If you can relate to any of this, you can also share it with the people who love you and let them know they can help you in times of stress in the same ways. Although they want to support you, they may not know how and this will make everybody feel better at the same time.

Handling pressure is a modern-day necessity. By learning how to relieve other people's pressure, including your kids, you will also model kind and powerful behavior to them and equip them with the skills to be happy in life.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

Now, I believe I know some of the reasons. Better yet, perhaps these reasons can lead us all towards a solution.

Almost invariably, you turn on the news or read the papers and find out about somebody who was caught scheming, embezzling or downright cheating. These people seem to have no regard for other people's wellbeing, possessions or money. Sometimes, people are killed over what seems like a minor conflict, because the killer values something else - their wallet, their leather jacket or their girlfriend - over their life.

In response to Ronit's posts on bullying, many readers have shared stories of workplace bullies who abuse their position, physical size or some weakness of their co-workers in ways that hurt them and ruins morale and productivity. Do these people follow a different value system to the rest of us? Given the rise of bullying, probably not.

While reading Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire with the kids (Eden and Noff have set a goal to read all of the books in the series together and I sometimes join them), I came across this lovely quote:

If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors
- J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

If you work, or have ever worked, in a big corporation or even in a large factory, you may have felt like a house elf sometimes - looked down on, continually given orders, criticized by people who seem to be doing less than you do and looking or feeling ragged despite your abilities to work magic, which nobody seems to notice.

But as a parent, I hope you realize this applies to you at home, too, only in the opposite direction. Kids are our inferiors in many ways and to know what we are like, one just needs to see how we treat them. I see children as magical creatures (they are also small, ragged and have big eyes), and all too often, I witness their parents belittling them, giving them orders and criticizing them in public.

So what is going on in the world? Has everybody gone mad? Is there nobody who still does the right things?

In his great book, Predictably Irrational, Dan Ariely presents a conflict between two modes of living: the "social norm" and the "market norm".

In the social norm, we follow rules like "love your neighbor", "respect your elders", "be honest" and other such codes of conduct. When a friend wants our help to move house, we arrive early in the morning with enthusiasm and a cup of coffee. When we are invited to a party, we always remember to bring a gift, a plate to share or a nice bottle of wine for the host.

In the market norm, everything we do has a value and in order for us to do it, we must receive compensation of equal value. If we have a moving van, we charge by the hour, plus distance, and we charge extra for insurance. If we have an events or catering company, we organize the food and our client pays the bill, while participants do not need to help or contribute in any way.

The problem is that these norms cannot co-exist and once the market norm is used, social norms are out the window, almost never to be seen again.

I grew up in a small town, where the living was simple for most folks. As a young child, I knew I was safe, because many people knew my parents and looked out for my sisters and me. At the supermarket, I would just hand over all my money and Tanya, the checkout lady, would give me the right change. I was too young to check, but I knew she would be honest with me, as did my mother.

Life operated mostly within social norms.

These days, however, life seems to operate mostly by market norms, even, I am sad to say, within the family.

When Eden was about to graduate from high school, she told us that some of her friends were very worried. She said their parents planned to start charging them rent for living at home, for using the family car and even for their share of the groceries. Those who had older siblings knew it was coming and feared the change.

From a practical perspective, what is the big deal? High school students are at school most of the time, so their parents pay their bills, but when they become adults, should they not "carry their weight", like their parents do?

Sure, but the concern was not a practical one, it was emotional. From an emotional perspective, these young adults were being forced to switch from living at home as part of a social group - their family - where they contributed as much as they could and benefited as much as was possible, to trading with their own family according to the market value of the assets and services they used.

One minute, the family is one unit, based on caring and sharing, and the next minute, the young person is on their own, haggling over the cost of petrol and bread and the value of a square meter of living space.

Going back to the workplace, most of the businesses in my hometown were small, were privately owned by a family and employed locals, often based on personal acquaintance. In that setting, everyone in the business worked together to keep the business running, to serve clients who were also connected to them in other ways, and to contribute to the economy of the town. People often joined a company for life, making it part of their identity and representing it proudly wherever they went.

Nowadays, companies are not loyal to their employees or their clients and often serve only the mysterious "share holders". Employees are hired and fired over petty cash, while their unique personal abilities are never explored. Purchases are often decided "on the figures" alone, without a long-term view or relationships in mind.

Life has changed from mostly-social to mostly-market.

By intensifying testing, measuring and comparing, school systems (in a social norm, they would be called "education systems") have made this problem worse and have started inducting children into the market lifestyle from a very young age. As if this is not enough, consider all those computer games, in which the aim is to collect as many points as possible and win, no matter what you have to do, including killing other humans, even if they are animated.

So what can we do about it? How can we make this world a more social place, if not for us, then for our children?

Fundamentally, we need to decide to prefer social values over market values. Then, we need to systematically apply our choice to everything in our life (within reason):

• Run your family as a social unit, where everyone contributes according to their abilities and availability and receives a fair share of the family resources. Pocket money can be used in small amounts to encourage "emotional stretches" (see Motivating Kids), but everybody should pool their efforts for the benefit of the family
• Instead of focusing on your kids' academic performance, encourage them to be happy, to have friends and to be driven by their heart in everything they do
• Kids being little mirrors of you, of course, use your own heart to make decisions, so they will have a role model. Choose to buy and participate in things that are good for the community and that make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer, pick a charity to support, be a Scouts leader, organize social gatherings and parties and participate in local community bodies
• Choose a moral code to live by. This can be a religion, a formal spiritual alternative or a personal set of rules, but it must be something you can use to guide your everyday decisions and make them easy. Deciding not to cheat or hurt another person when you are young and affirming these decisions regularly make your choice a no-brainer when the opportunity presents itself
• Social behavior is based on the assumption that everybody has a shared interest and that people are essentially good. Spend some time every day being curious about people without judging them. Find out more about them and count the good things they do for you or for others. This focus will make it a lot easier for you to do your bit in return
• Move to an area where there is a strong community, even if the houses are not the nicest. Send your children to a school with strong ethics, an emphasis on education and an active parent body, even if it does not produce Rhodes scholars every year
• Never ever pay your kids for academic performance. The rewards for learning are knowledge and an open mind. Never let your child compete for the best fundraiser. The rewards for raising funds are a better-equipped school and a good feeling
• [State elections are coming up here in Queensland, so] Vote for the political candidates who put people before personal gains and show themselves as true public representatives in action and not just in words. In fact, if you feel strongly enough about a candidate, help him or her get elected
• To paraphrase John F. Kennedy's famous words, "Ask not what the world can do for you - ask what you can do for the world". Join Avaaz, support Together for Humanity or The Global Learning Centre (Ronit works with both), loan money to third world small business on Kiva or promote any other cause that makes the world a better place. Whatever you do, also make your kids part of it, so that social behavior naturally becomes part of who they are

Together, let's make the world a place for everyone, where friendship and integrity count more than money.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need

If you lose your job, your certainty tank is emptied all of a sudden. If you divorce, your love and connection tank goes down so quickly your life will be hard for a while. If you have a new job and you need to work exactly at the same times of the day and you need to accumulate lots of working days until you can have a holiday, then your variety level is at risk. If you have just joined a sewing club, where everyone there is so advanced you need to catch up, then your significance may suffer.

Personal development is a very good way to learn to fill our tanks. We learn to balance ourselves by discovering who we are, how we think, how we function and what makes us happy and successful. It is very important to know that the balance is different from one person to another. What one sees balance might feel out of balance for another. When we consider needs, they also contradict each other sometimes.

Conflicting needs

Our four needs are in constant conflict with each other and require each person to balance them based on his or her definition of balance.

When we have too much certainty, things are always the same, it gets boring and we seek variety.

When we have too much variety, too many things change too often, it is overwhelming and we seek certainty.

When we have too much love and connection, when everything we do connects us with others, we no longer feel special enough and we seek significance.

When we have too much significance, we feel so different from everybody else it is harder for us to connect to others and we seek love and connection.

We continually shift from one to the other based on our definition of what the needs are and what balance is for us.

I can give you an example from my own life. When we travelled the world and lived in different places, everyone around thought we had too much variety and not enough certainly. I thought the balance was just perfect. My need for variety was very high and I got my certainly from being close to my family, having each other and having a good financial backup. So what seemed unbalanced to others was very balanced to me.

Difficult people have a hole in one of their need tanks or a very high tank that is hard to fill. I can tell you that my need for variety is so high that I change the direction of the sofa, my bed and the dining table once a month. I even choose work that has a variety of things, because I find it hard to do the same things all day, every day.

At different times of our life, our needs changes. When we moved to Australia, which was our most energy-consuming move, I felt I needed more certainly and stopped travelling as we did before. Recently, we started having "the itch" for travelling again.

If you want to find your highest needs, do the following exercise. Remember, the results are only true now. If you do it again in a month, you may find you have changed a bit.

Rate the needs from 1-10 (1 = low need, 10= high need):

• Certainty - I want things to be stable, predictable and reliable. I want to feel secure and safe
• Variety - I want things to be interesting, exciting and moving. I want to try new things and have lots of different experiences
• Love and connection - I want to belong, to feel accepted and supported. I want people to like me and enjoy my company
• Significance - I want to stand out and be special and unique. I want to feel exceptional, valuable and important

Your highest need is the one you have a hole in and that needs boosting when you are being difficult. If you are helping a child, remember to tell them that we all have these needs and maybe share yours with them, so they do not feel too exposed. Match the explanation to their level of understand and ask, "From 1-10, how much do you think you want to be special? How much do you want to feel safe and know what's going to happen ahead of time? How much do you want to be with other people who like you? How much do you want things to be different and exciting?"

Now, your goal is to fill the empty tank!

Holistic need fulfillment

People are holistic beings - our needs do not sit in the brain in separate compartments. I can get variety from making fun of people or get from changing the direction of my bed. I can get significance from showing off or from being kind. We can borrow from one area of life to use in another. Our tanks have no filters, so every kind of variety and significance is welcome.

Here is a list of things we can do to satisfy each of our needs:

Certainty

• Have a daily routine and do the same things every day, at least in the morning
• Keep a diary and schedule your appointments and activities in advance
• Have a spiritual faith and practice regularly
• Exercise regularly
• Have a stable job - same hours, same days, same tasks
• Plan a party before you have it
• Plane your weekly schedule on Sunday night
• Plan your food for the week in advance
• Keep a work roster - any planning gains certainty
• Keep your workspace, bag and room organized
• Clean regularly

Variety

• Play sports
• Go to the movies
• Travel to new places
• Have stimulating conversations about new topics
• Meet new people
• Do art - paint, sculpt, create
• Throw a party
• Go to concerts
• Take a holiday
• Learn something new
• Volunteer (may also give love & connection and significance)
• Go out to a restaurant
• Read a new book
• Break your routine, at least on weekends

Significance

• Become an expert and specialize in something
• Helping others
• Volunteer
• Teach
• Buy special clothes
• Be kind
• Be in a relationship - it makes you the most important person in someone's life (also good for love & connection and possibly certainty)
• Be a parent - oh, the pride
• Have a (great) profession
• Learn a (rare) skill
• Pursue a talent - solo music, art or individual sport
• Be a leader
• Get degrees and other formal qualifications
• Have a (special) hobby
• Collect something (rare)
• Be really good at our job

Love & Connection

All you need is love
- John Lennon

• Play team sports
• Join a club
• Go to spiritual gatherings
• Join a community group
• Be in a relationship
• Have children
• Teach
• Be a leader
• Have friends
• Help others
• Volunteer
• Have a party or go to a party
• Go out on a date or with friends
• Keep in touch by email, phone or Skype
• Send birthday/holiday cards to family and friends
• Spend time on social media sites and grow your circle(s) of "friends"
• Go to (or organize) family gatherings

If we can direct the difficult people to fill their highest need tank or create the circumstances that fill it for them, their demands will decrease. Our aim is to reach a point where the level of the difficulty is not so severe that others avoid their company. Remember, their difficult behavior creates a cycle of avoidance, which makes it even harder for them to notice and learn the social cues. We have to bring them back into society and interaction, because they will just keep doing everything they can, even if it is not comfortable to others, to fulfill their needs.

If you are a difficult person (at least in someone's view), I hope this series was helpful for you and you will now begin of a new life where others do not avoid your company. If you are helping a difficult person, I hope the tips here were helpful for you to support and help with grace.

As I said at the beginning, if you are aware of your difficulties, you can get help from a professional and you can get help from someone who loves you. Remember, you cannot force loved ones to help you. They need to be willing and they need to have the emotional stamina to be able to help you.

Your third option is to get a mentor - someone who is not close to you who is willing to stick around and help you go through this process. With awareness and persistence, the sky is the limit.

Happy life,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need

But maybe it does not have to be.

In the past few days, I have been reading an excellent book called Predictably Irrational by Professor Dan Ariely, a behavioral economist at MIT. In one of the chapters, he describes experiments that show humans are so sensitive to loss they do everything they can to avoid losing even things they could have, but do not actually have. One of these things, he says, is options.

In his description, he give parents' decision-making about their children's development as an example of how irrationally expensive it is to keep our kids' options open. If you do the math, he says, you see that spreading the family resources over 4 different activities each week, say ballet, piano, art and karate, means your child makes 1 unit of progress in each of them every week, as opposed to choosing just one activity, say piano, which would allow the child to make 4 units of progress every week and become really good at it.

From a mathematical point of view, ¾ of your money is wasted and your child never reaches a level of competence that would make their chosen pursuit generate significant enough rewards. It is therefore irrational to pay for and drive your child to many afternoon activities and a more economical choice would be to pick a single "winner" and give it all you have got (or a couple of related/complementary "winners", perhaps).

Reading this, I was tempted to agree, and this post was almost about how much his point made sense, but then Eden and I went for our morning walk (it is so great she starts late on Wednesdays) and reviewed her life, the lives of Tsoof and Noff and those of other kids we know, and my view of this issue changed completely.

You see, the discussion of how valuable each extracurricular activity is depends on the chances of success you expect in each field, as well as what you value. Alas, in real life, there are only a handful of really great opera singers, world-class painters, immortal actors and champion martial artists. In any global competitive field, the likelihood your child will "make it big" is low, no matter how much time, effort and money you put into it.

This leaves a life of repetitive disappointment and unhappiness, which, if you think about it, is really the opposite of what you want for your children. No matter how we put it to the parents we meet (and we meet many), if they had to choose one thing to give their kids above all else, it would be happiness. That is their highest value as parents. Happiness.

Let's say you consider developing the artistic side of little Bobby. Subjecting him from his 3^rd year to 6 hours of painting classes a week may improve his painting technique beyond that of most other people, but can you already sense the pressure building up? Can you sense how little Bobby might feel imprisoned by his parents' choice for him? Can you imagine what teenage Bobby might choose to rebel against? Can you predict Bobby's life after his art receives lukewarm reviews from some people who matter in his field?

How will grownup Bobby do socially? Will he be able to mingle with athletes or musicians? Will he be able to enjoy a walk in the park, a movie or (gulp) a visit to an art gallery? Will he be able to carry on a casual conversation about any topic other than art and painting?

I doubt it. If Bobby accepts his parents' choice and pursues his art, he is more likely to be single-minded and unhappy that a loveable, outgoing and social butterfly. If Bobby rejects his parents' choice, then their investment of time, effort and money, as well as his entire childhood, have been a waste and he will have to start building his life from scratch.

On the other hand, kids who are exposed to a wide variety of activities and experiences, while they may not excel in any of them, develop their mental flexibility, learn to engage many kinds of people in many kinds of situations and build resilience. They gain emotional intelligence that will serve them well every day of their life, everywhere they go.

In the past week or so, our family has been watching a series of programs called "Music School". Out of thousands of children, the producers picked 16 kids, aged from 8 to 13, who want to be singers. Each program shows 8 of them preparing and performing a song, guided by a famous musician.

As you would expect, these young people are pretty amazing singers, but that is not the most important part. When they are interviewed, their level of expression is very high, most of them can speak more than one language, they have great relationships with their families, they quickly befriended one another, they connect to the lyrics of the songs they perform intensely and they "work the crowd" in a natural, effortless way.

Moreover, the ones who do best are those who can handle pressure, keep themselves positive and motivated and accept the challenges thrown at them by the panel of "music teachers".

It is not talent and success that create happiness. It is happiness that allows talent to be expressed and creates success.

As parents, rather than trying to find the area in which your kids will shine and frantically exposing them to activities in the hope of finding "that special talent" they have, let them experience many things for the sake of enjoyment, balanced development, priceless social practice and networking and the feeling that they can do anything they want once they put their mind to it.

Rather than subjecting your children to hours of drilling and endless pressure on the way to achievements that would one day make them happy, make them happy today and every day by accepting their choices, encouraging them and using your resources to help them achieve what they want to achieve, to experience life and to build their character in the process.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• More Control – Less Power
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques