When I see couples during their relationship coaching program, the "right" trap is always there. It is not always spoken, but it underlies a lot of the conflicts. One of the partners or both of them have a strong feeling about their "rightfulness" and they cannot let it go. The problem is not just thinking that they are right, but believing the "right thing" exists, because when they sort out the first conflict by putting pressure and giving up, they get a confirmation of their "rightness" and they expect the next time to be the same - one is right and the other one gives up - a recipe for disaster.

Mira and Chris came for relationship coaching because Mira was convinced she was right and Chris was wrong. It happens a lot that one person does the booking and it sounds like this:

"Chris, why are you here?"

"Mira asked me to come".

It was a very honest answer and it helped me find out who was seeing themselves as the "right" one in that relationship.

"OK, Mira, so why are you here?"

"I need you to explain to Chris..."

I knew that was another "right" trap.

First, I need to explain that our relationship coaching program is not mediation. It is meant to help the couple find their strengths and use them to renew their love and build their relationship on a mature and respectful foundation. If you want to get help in your relationship so the therapist can tell your partner he/she is wrong, you are trapped.

The story of our life

In every interaction, the participants bring thoughts, feelings, ideas, words, behaviors and actions from their own story. Everyone has a story - the story of our life. This story evolves with everything that happens to us in life. The story starts at birth and accumulates feelings, thoughts and ideas, much like a writer adds letters to words, words to sentences and sentences to paragraphs telling us about the characters of the story, their emotions and actions.

Many pages of our story are written without our control. Our parents, for example, are part of our story without us ever choosing them. Many things in our life enter our story without choice. No one chooses their place of birth, family's socio-economic status, parents' professions, siblings' health and the list is long. Yet, all those things influence the story greatly.

I was born with physical disability. I did not choose that, but it shaped much of my attitude. I lost two children. I did not choose it, but it has made me the passionate person I am today.

Every conflict is a clash between two stories. The "right" trap is when one person is convinced their story is the right one
- Ronit Baras

In every marriage, there are many decisions to make that create the risk of a conflict and a clash of stories. It is hard to make decisions on your own and even harder when you have to agree on them with another person, especially when both of you are responsible for the lives of young children.

Gal and I disagreed on how many kids to have and the age gaps between them. My story was "I came from a family with 5 children. It was tough. My parents worked several jobs to support us and could not really give us all the attention we needed. I studied education and I want to give each of my kids individual time for about 5 years, so I want them 5 years apart". Gal's story was "I came from a family with 4 children. It was the best thing in the world. My parents could provide for us and my mom spent time with us, so I want to have 4 kids with 2-3 years gap between them".

Can you see how this can become a conflict? And which one of us was right?

Mira and Chris did not have children and their conflicts revolved around two large and adorable dogs that were dear to both of them. They had many arguments about eating times, whether to let them onto their bed and whether to buy them dog food or home-cooked food. You might think that divorcing over dogs is silly, but it was a big thing that stood between them. The topic of the conflict is not so important. It is just a symptom.

Giving up is not a solution

Mira's story was "My parents divorced and my mom was weak. I will never let that happen to me, so things must happen the way I want them to in order for my marriage to work". Chris' story was "My parents divorced and stayed friends. I now have 2 pairs of loving parents and my dad is very generous to my mom".

For a while, Chris gave up, because Mira pushed her story hard enough. But giving up is not a very healthy way to handle conflicts, because no one on Earth can give up forever. It is very common in any divorce or relationship breakdown that one partner says, "I am sick and tired of giving up". When someone gets to this point in the relationship, it is very hard to talk sense into them, because in their story, they have reached the limit of giving up, they are sick and tired of it and, like it takes time to recover from sickness, it will take time to recover from feeling used.

Mira's trap was not only that she was convinced her point of view/story/reasons were the right ones, she did not allow any space for Chris' point of view /story/reasons. She would say firmly, "Of course we have to let them into our bed. Why else would you have dogs?" For her, there was only one story that would lead everyone to the same conclusion - at night, the dogs must sleep in bed together with the couple.

All the time they discussed things in my presence, she was surprised Chris "did not understand what needed to be done". Her thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas were so obvious to her, she really did not consider that any other story, belief or thought was possible. The reason they considered divorce was not only that Mira wanted me to "tell him", but also that Chris was "sick and tired" and understood that always giving up was not sustainable.

Read the signs

If you have a conflict with your partner and you are convinced you are right and he/she is wrong, you are headed for a breakdown.

If you have a conflict and you think that giving up is a solution, you are headed for breakdown.

You may be wondering what kind of a relationship it is that "giving up" is not part of it. Relationships involve give-and-take and we can never get everything we want. Is the alternative to fight all the time?

Many people confuse compromising with giving up, which is a big sign to notice before the marriage goes downhill. While giving up is a sign of a power struggle with one story being more important than the other, compromising is a sign of maturity, respect and acceptance, with the two stories being heard and both parties looking for something in the middle.

When Gal and I were thinking of having kids, I wanted kids in the last year of my diploma so I could spend time with my new baby during my last year of the degree, which was supposed to have only two courses. Gal wanted it a year after we both finished our degrees. There were two years gap between our wants. My wants had all the right reasons and Gal wants had all the right reasons. We compromised on the middle. It wasn't perfect for me, wasn't perfect for Gal but we didn't get into "My story and my reasons and my philosophy and my fears are more important than yours"

When Mira and Chris argued, underneath every conversation was the question "Whose story is more important?" In their case, as in many other situations, since Mira was the main provider and Chris was struggling with his new business, both of them felt her story was more important. This is a very dangerous zone, because couples that give more weight to the main provider are not equal in their decision-making and this may be a risky pattern in their married life.

During their relationship coaching, I helped Chris and Mira understand that when we push the other person to accept our story, our story does not become theirs and we jeopardize our relationship. They realized that when we give up and do not express our story, it does not cease to exist and affect our life and we jeopardize our relationship.

When I was a kid, there was a road safety campaign with the slogan "On the road, don't be right, be smart". It was a great campaign, because many years later, I can still remember it when I drive. Even if there is a green light, I slow down through junctions. Even when I have the right of way, I let other cars merge and exit car parks. I think this slogan made me a safer driver. In marriage, this slogan is very appropriate.

In marriage, don't be right, be smart
- Ronit Baras

It is important in every marriage to read the signs leading to divorce. No one gets up in the morning and decides to divorce without going in that direction for a while. Arguments are a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. Do not confuse arguments with disagreements. Not every argument is a sign you are going to break up, but if one or both of you think you spend more time arguing than enjoying each other's company, it is a sign that something has to be done to stop this deterioration.

How to save your marriage

If you want to stop the cycle, remember there are two stories in every argument and both of them are valid. If you put pressure on the other partner to accept your story, it will risk your relationship. If you think "Nothing could possibly be a reason for him/her to say/think/do this", you are wrong. Obviously, something did! Accept that the other person has accumulated thoughts, fears, beliefs and life experiences that can explain their behavior.

Ask! Show interest in your partner's story. I was convinced that bringing kids 5 years apart is the right thing. I had a huge backup of reasons, but when I listened to Gal's story, I realized that my story was just as right as his story was. When you accept that in every argument, it is possible for both sides to be right, you are on the right track to saving your marriage.

Happy relationships,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Boiled Frog
• In My Opinion
• Anger Management: Be Prepared

Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of society: if we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, we strengthen the children and we strengthen the community. If your goal is to help improve the world, marriage is as good a place as any to start
- Diane Sollee, Grand Rapids Family Summit, 1998

In part 1 of Save Your Marriage, I gave you 3 simple steps to stop your divorce and save your marriage. This week, I thought some statistics regarding marriage and divorce would give you insight into what happens in the reality of relationships.

Eye-opening marriage and divorce statistics

As a daughter to parents who are still married and a long-time partner to my beloved boyfriend, I was very surprised to read some of the statistics about marriage and divorce. Yes, I have many clients thinking of divorce, but when they come for coaching, they are in "solution mode", which makes it easier for them to find their love again.

I believe the marriage situation has reached a level of social disaster.

• 82% of married couples reach their 5^th anniversary
• 65% reach their 10^th anniversary
• 52% reach their 15^th anniversary
• 33% reach their 25^th anniversary
• 20% reach their 35^th anniversary, and
• only 5% reach their 50^th anniversary.

Remarriage divorce rate is higher

Although divorced people may have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Psychology Today stated that "a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages."

Live-in (de facto) arrangement

Surprisingly, those who get into a live-in arrangement before marrying have a considerably higher chance of divorcing. Reasons are not that clear. This can probably be explained by the fact that the type of people who tend to live together without marriage may also be those who are less prepared to commit. There is proof that supports the notion that living together out of marriage generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, following the notion that living together is temporary, thus being an arrangement that can more easily be terminated.

Whereas in previous generations, living together was considered defiant and even outrageous, nowadays, many couples live together for a number of years and break up without considering this a divorce.

Divorce and interpersonal problems in kids

Qualitative studies and long term empirical studies have demonstrated that children of divorced couples develop interpersonal problems that become worse in adulthood, thus affecting their own chances of having a happy marriage.

Kids of divorced parents are more likely to divorce

As inferred from the previous statement, children of divorced couples have a much higher rate of divorce than children whose parents stayed together. The old saying that parents set the example is true also in this case. Children learn about commitment and permanence from parents. For children of divorced parents, these concepts have already been undermined or shaken.

The conclusion of a research published in American Sociological Review in 1992 was "Children who grow up in single-parent homes are less likely to marry, more likely to divorce, and more likely to have children outside of wedlock".

Need proof? Read this list of research on the effects of divorce on kids.

The cost of divorce

To a couple, divorce costs about $18,000 and this would include lost work productivity, relocation costs and legal fees that vary immensely, depending on the nature of the divorce and the situation of the couple.

According to Money Magazine, divorce can mean the end of financial security, women being invariably harder hit, with a massive 43 percent average drop in income - from about $50,000 when first married to $28,900 one year after the split in Australia.

Single mothers must juggle work and parenting, with child support income covering some of the costs, but not the loss of work potential and income.

Having to pay higher costs for additional residence and the extra travel and phone calls involved in keeping in touch with the departing parent significantly increase the pressure on both parents and pushes more and more people to depend on government benefits.

The average divorce in America costs state and federal governments $30,000 in direct and indirect costs. Direct costs to the state include child support enforcement, Medicaid payments, temporary assistance to needy families fund (TANF), food stamps and public housing assistance. Those numbers increase every year.

US divorces cost the country $33 billion annually or $312.00 per household.

Something positive: marriage is like wine, getting better with age

No marriage is perfect. However, using a large sample for research purposes, researchers learned that 86 percent of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, but stayed in the marriage, indicated they were happier when interviewed five years later. In fact, 3/5 of those who were previously unhappy considered their marriages as either "very happy" or "quite happy" (National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, 2002).

So if you have difficulties in your marriage, go home (or maybe you are home already) and start working on your relationship to make sure you will not be part of this statistics.

If you have a good marriage, enjoy every minute of it and keep working on your relationship, to make sure you will not be part of the statistics.

In the next chapter of "Save Your Marriage", I will talk about marriage as an institution.

Coming together is the beginning.
Keeping together is progress.
Working together is success.
- Henry Ford

Happy marriage to you,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Story of Mike
• Easy Divorce
• Opportunities of a Work-at-Home Dad

Relationships require work. Having a loving relationship requires the couple to fall in love with each other again every day! Anniversaries are celebrations of this love, only without the big crowd. It is amazing that the world marriage statistics show that only rare couples reach their 30^th wedding anniversary. I think it is about time we changed this (and I suggest we start right away).

Expecting that the excitement, joy and fun will last forever may lead us to disappointment. Perhaps I should have written on the teacher's card, "Have a happy 30^th anniversary".

Let's put this in perspective. Many people wait for this day and hope the effort they put into this day (some people take a whole year and a lot of money to prepare for it) will last for a long time. Remember, the real work begins when you get into a routine and the magic and excitement start to fade. If you are a newly wed couple and you want to celebrate your 30^th anniversary (with the same partner), take a look at the list of tips below to save you from heartache and pain.

Love is like…

Love, much like a car, needs regular refuelling. The preparations for the wedding are so exciting it seems they will last forever. To have a happy and loving marriage that lasts for a long time, remember to fuel your love life with romantic dates, surprises, small gifts, romantic dinners and seductive suggestions years after the wedding day.

Love is a choice you make from moment to moment
- Barbara De Angelis

To have a happy marriage, eliminate sarcastic jokes about marriage from your repertoire. They are not funny at all. It is amazing that most people believe that jokes are "just jokes", but they still believe that "women like shopping" and "men only care about sports and cars". One of my clients had a problem in his relationship with his wife. He kept saying to me, "but all women are…", which made me reply in most cases, "In that case, I'm not a woman". When he stopped thinking in stereotypes and started seeing his wife as an individual, there was a major breakthrough in their relationship. Unfortunately, things that we hear repeatedly (three times is enough), we believe to be true. Avoid sarcasm about marriage, relationships and stereotypes of men and women. Your Conscious may think you are telling a joke but your Subconscious has no sense of humour.

Love is like fire. It can keep your heart warm or burn it
- Ronit Baras

Love can be sweet or toxic

There are wonderful things to say about love. Love can be pure honey or pure poison with a fine line between them. Every couple needs to notice when the happy love is changing to an unhappy and unhealthy love. The fine line between them may be peculiar to each couple but it is good to be aware to it. If you keep your eyes (actually, your heart) open and notice when you shift from sweet to toxic, it will help you align the relationship and direct it back to the happy side.

Love and personal development

Love is healthy when you realise that you must develop yourself first. It becomes unhealthy and toxic when you try to develop your partner. Development is a personal journey, so take care of yours.

Love and growth

Love is healthy when the relationship offers room for growth. It keeps growing when you are happy for your partner to grow in a different way. The relationship is toxic when you believe that your partner "must" think the same as you to avoid insecurity, loneliness and fear. Accept each other's individuality and try to avoid changing each other to fit your image of what the other needs to be.

Love is expressive

Love is healthy when you both express love freely and it is toxic when one or both people need constant proof of love.

Love is being true to who you are

Love is healthy and can keep growing when you both can have separate interests, like different friends and maintain other relationship. It becomes toxic when you feel you "must" have the same interests, when you have a limited social life outside your marriage and when you neglect your separate friends and hobbies. Remember, at one stage the situation is going to blow up. As much as it is a nice to think about it that way, a couple is not one person. You are different people sharing the road towards the same destination. Stay true to who you are.

Love embraces change

The relationships in marriage are healthy when you encourage each other to grow and feel secure about your own worth. It becomes toxic when you are preoccupied with each other's behaviour and are afraid of your partner's changes or afraid of changes within yourself. When you live with someone, you both constantly change. Your task is to take the mixture of what you have brought from your respective families and fit them with your desires and needs. Life will never again be like your old home. Change is inevitable. Embrace it.

Love is trust

Marriage can last for a long time if there is trust between the couple. You need to trust that your partner is doing the best they can and that you love each other and want to stay together for a long time. Love becomes toxic when you have feelings of jealousy, when you feel possessive, when you feel you are competing with your partner or when you feel defensive. If this is the case, go back to the top and work on your personal development first.

Love is balanced compromise

You can predict how far as couple can go in their relationships if you can see them compromising and taking turns leading. When two people try to be the captains, they will face conflicts and disagreements. It is going to turn bad if they play control games. Marriage is a balanced series of compromises, in which both people do their share. If one person constantly compromises, this person will eventually feel they are not significant enough and will look for a way out of the relationship. Share in the compromising so you do not have to compromise on your choice of partner later on.

Love is solving problems together

In good relationships, the couple sort out their problems together. The relationships are at risk when pressure makes them blame each other or use passive or aggressive manipulation towards each other. In every relationship, there are ups and downs. Ups take care of themselves but we need to take care of the downs. When you look for solutions, remember the previous rule and compromise. If you both compromise even a little, it will be easier to move forward. Even if the problems seem to be only one person's, they ultimately become a problem to both. Help each other and come up with something that solves the problem for both of you, rather than throwing it all on one of you.

Love is awareness

Marriage can be a blessing when the couple deal with what is happening and are aware of their thoughts, feelings and actions. It becomes toxic when they ignore the unpleasant things or avoid dealing with difficulties. Such relationships create holes in the trust towards each other.

Love is happy sex

In any good relationship, sex is a free and happy choice that each person makes. It becomes a problem when there is pressure around sex from either demands, insecurity or fear. Sex needs to be a fair trade of giving and receiving.

Love is enjoying he me moments

In every relationship, there are times when we need to be by ourselves. If we learn to enjoy these moments, it will improve the time we spend together, but if we avoid these moments at all cost, the relationship will become toxic and clingy. In every marriage, there will be times when the couple will not be together. Try to make the best out of these moments afterwards, when you meet again, and have an exciting and wonderful reunion.

I love you not only for what you are
but for what I am when I am with you
- Roy Croft

Love is for me, love is for you

Love can keep growing when each of you takes care of your own feelings and you support each other emotionally. It becomes demanding and stressful when there are expectations that one partner will fix the other's feelings.

First skill of emotional intelligence: recognise my own feelings.

Second skill of emotional intelligence: manage my own feelings.

Third skill of emotional intelligence: recognise others' feelings.

Fourth skill of emotional intelligence: help and support others with their feelings.

In marriage, you need all four skills. Master them!

Next time I write something on someone's wedding card, I do not think I will make it that long. I think weddings are a happy memory that can begin a great new relationship of marriage full of love. So I think I will write

Happy wedding
Happy marriage and
Happy and sweet love!
Happiness is still a choice.
Choose wisely!

I wish you (and myself - I have two and a half years to go) a happy, joyous 30^th anniversary!

Post a comment below and tell us what you would write on a wedding card.

Ronit

You may want to read

• The Story of Mike
• I’m OK, You’re OK!
• Happiness!

I am invited to my ex-boyfriend's wedding and I have to go. Do you have good tips to handle the situation?

If you no longer have feelings for him - cool! Go have fun at his wedding. But I guess since you have asked the question, you do have feelings for him…

There is a beautiful song by Nat King Cole with the words "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return". Loving is a great feeling and we have control over that feeling, but being loved is out of our control. This feeling depends on others and when you love and think someone does not return your love, it hurts.

The best thing you can do now, when he is marrying someone else, is to move on, move forward and take care of yourself. Push the NEXT! button and get on to the next thing.

Life is like driving - if you drive looking forward you get safely to your destination because you are more aware to signs on the road, other vehicles and obstacles. If you drive forward but look backward, the ride is going to be dangerous, real dangerous.

It is the same with any other thing in life. If we run away from something and constantly look back it will limit our progress. Instead of thinking of the relationship you're missing with this guy, think of what you've gained from your relationship with him. I'm sure you have some good memories from your relationship with him, otherwise you wouldn't feel so unhappy to go to his wedding. Always think of the good things and more of them will come.

In the past, you made a choice that led you not to be that person's partner. Accept it! Even not choosing what to do is a choice! You have made that choice in the past, so move on and go forward. "No point crying over spilled milk". It is gone, it is not there anymore.

Finding the peace within is the best tip I can give you. Keep looking forward and find someone new that will bring the spark into your life and make it easy to go to any wedding you are invited to. Be positive, maybe you can find that one in your ex's wedding. Remember, the love of your life is out there, you just haven't met him yet.

You may want to read

• Weddings, Love and Marriage
• The Story of Mike
• Save Your Marriage (10): All men are… All women are…

Mike had already arranged the paperwork with his lawyer. "I'm going to divorce her", he said at the end of the first session.

In many cases, coaching is like being an investigator. At the end of the first session, I sat in the café, writing all the pieces of the puzzle I had gathered from Mike.

Mike's father had been a drunk who used to beat him and his mother. Mike's mother had divorced his father and married another abusive man Mike never liked. He had met Laura (and her 4-year-old son) in his late 20s and after a few years of being together, they had gotten married.

Mike and Laura had another daughter, Mel, who was now 10 years old. They had shared a great love, owned a business together and lived in a huge house until they decided to sell the business and Laura realised she was not happy anymore.

They had spent their time at home. Mike had started a new Internet-based business and was in front of his computer most of the time. One day, they had gotten drunk together and had a fight. He had pulled her hair, she had called the police and out went Mike.

He rented a room down the road, so he could spend time with Mel until they sorted out all the divorce papers. Mike talked about problems, about what did not work, what he did not like about Laura, what he had never liked about her, why they had not talked to each other in two months and how upset he was she had decided after their fight to see a life coach (which is probably what made him look for one himself).

In my session notes, I wrote to myself, "Uses the words 'must', 'should', 'have to', 'the right thing to do' and 'this is wrong' a lot".

At the end of our second session, Mike had a different look on his face. He was a fast learner and every time I introduced a new technique, he changed right in front of me in seconds. "If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always gotten" was the topic of that session.

At the same time, it was very hard for Mike to let go of what he thought was an integral part of his identity.

"When was the last time you went on a date with Laura?" I asked him.

He looked surprised.

"When was the last time you went on a romantic weekend together?" I asked.

Mike smiled.

"What do you love about Laura?" I asked him to make a list.

By the end of this session, Mike had convinced himself that it was wonderful Laura was seeing a life coach and that he could bring himself to talk to her and he put this on his action list.

In our third session, he realised that if he wanted to feel good about meeting a new woman or about divorcing Laura, he had to work on himself and not expect Laura to give him that feeling. He understood that the main problem between them was that he wanted to control Laura's actions, behaviour, attitude and even words.

When he told me about his relationship with Laura, Mike asked, "Isn't it the same with you and Gal?"

I said, "No".

"But, every man and woman…", he started to say, but then he stopped himself.

You see, for Mike, there was only one way of doing things. There was one way to behave, one way to work, one way to dress, one way to relate and one way to connect with each other.

During the session, he realised he had been living in "The land of disappointment", where he was constantly disappointed with people around him. He had thought everyone ought to behave in a certain way and when they hadn't, he had gotten angry.

The thought of him acting constantly disappointed was very sad when he talked about Mel. "My goodness, I always told her what to do and why what she was doing was no good", he said, feeling guilty. This time, he was talking about it in past tense and I knew this was a good start.

Here is an email he sent me after our forth session:

Hi Ronit,

I had a lot to work about after the last session…

Laura did not sign the document. Instead, we went out to dinner on Thursday night and she apologised for the way she had treated me over the past 6 months. We had a nice BBQ on Friday and a romantic moment on Sunday … Needless to say, I'm very happy about that! We are taking it slowly, but it looks like we might get back together ;-)

Mel and I have both filled out our 50 happy things list and we have started cutting and pasting pictures of them as you suggested.

I have read through the pages and filled out the "future me" part, but I am not happy with it. I have started laminating key sheets, because after getting the gist of this course, I feel like I want to re-write a few things (express myself better, plus define my goals).

I did have a bad moment with my temper yesterday with Mel. I had a bad day in business and I think that was what set me off … Unfortunately, I took it out on her. I would like to discuss that with you at our next meeting. When I get stressed, I find it very hard to shake off the feeling and I find that a million pink elephants fly out of my mouth!

I went to Mel's sports day at school and it was fun, so all is forgiven, but I really need to work on that area.

I sent some flowers to Laura at work today. Hopefully, I can keep up that sort of behaviour for the next 30 years ;-)

Mike

Mike only had 7 sessions with me. He never divorced Laura and she never signed the divorce papers. To start their new life together, with going out, accepting each other and expressing love every day, they moved to a small town for Mel to be close to horses and for them to be able to dedicate more time to each other. All this happened only 4 months after I met him.

All the beautiful, courageous people in this post are real people and real clients. Their names and other revealing details regarding their life were changed to keep their privacy.

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My mum and dad are simple people, yet they are special and unique, because they belong to a group of only 5% of people who are living together after so many years.

Look at this list of marriage statistics:

• 82% reach their 5^th anniversary
• 65% reach their 10^th anniversary
• 52% reach their 15^th anniversary
• 33% reach their 25^th anniversary
• 20% reach their 35^th anniversary, and
• only 5% reach their 50^th anniversary

I only need to have a session with my clients every day, to realise how special my parents are and how much I need to thank them for being there together for such a long time, because it made life so much easier for me and I am grateful.

In my kids' class, many kids have two homes, more than one mother or father and half siblings. The school system is making a huge effort to cater for children who need sets of homework in dad’s house and another set in mom’s house. Where I grew up, we may have had one kid out of 100 in my grade whose parents were divorced. My son tells me he is not sure where he can call his friends, because he is not sure where they live on a given day. This is becoming common, since 38% of children are in a similar situation.

The divorce rate in the world reaches 68% in some countries and the toll on society is increasing. If the government is supporting families, lucky us, the governments suddenly (well, it is never sudden, it happens slowly) need to pay more, help more because divorced people have now two houses that the kids live in. the parent that leave the house, must leave somewhere right!?

So when I called mom and dad to say “happy anniversary”, I asked myself, "How can we fix this problem?" I am only talking about the financial implications of this epidemic, by the way. It is easier for me to talk about this. The other implications are harder. As an educator, I came up with an educational approach.

Just like in education it is better to encourage than to punish - focus on the good and ignore the bad - I thought that people like my mom and dad should be rewarded for living together for such a long time.

The government spends so much money to support divorced people, which in a sense promotes divorce. I am not saying people should be forced to be together if they have problems, but I am saying they should be encouraged to work out their problems and be given some incentive to stay together.

All the couples in the world have problems. Some of them can be helped and solved with the right motivation. Lots of heartache can be prevented long before they reach divorce. The government can give incentives to people motivated to find solutions rather than pour money into helping people who divorce. Which approach do you think will change the divorce rate?

So why not calculate how much money is dedicated to families who divorce - support for double accommodations, child benefits, single parent support, educational support for children in divorced families and (mental) health support for parents and children due to divorce. Then, give couples bonuses for their anniversary, taking into account the length of their marriage and the age and number of children they have (something like a "second honeymoon" bonus would be nice). These bonuses can be great motivators for people to work on their relationship and people can use them to address some of the reasons for divorce - learn stress management, communication skills, intimacy and conflict resolution, or just reduce financial difficulties and treat emotional problems.

Here we are, back to education. Promote the desired behaviour. Do you have any doubt that happy families should be the aim?

I told my mom and dad I was very proud to be their daughter and I appreciated them for making the effort to love each other and being a role model by making it to the top 5%. Until the government starts giving them bonuses, I hope my appreciation is good enough.

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