Usually, we call others "difficult" when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person's communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person - they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

1. Exhibitionists - We would not call popular people "difficult" just because they are popular. Real exhibitionists are not popular, which is why they try to become popular in ways that make others like them even less.
2. Experts - It is important not to confuse between smart and knowledgeable people that are generous with their expertise and those who push their expertise even when they are not asked for it.
3. Jokers - Funny people are not necessary difficult. Some funny people know when it is time to laugh and when it is time to be serious. Dysfunctional jokers use their humor to avoid emotionally challenging situations and keep cracking jokes even at very inappropriate times.
4. Dinosaurs - Not every old-fashioned person who keeps tradition and does things the old way is a difficult person. There is much to learn from elders and they can be kind and wonderful mentors if they practice some flexibility and generally avoid judgment. I have had a chance to meet some elders in my leadership programs and thought they were graceful and open-minded. Young people can be dinosaurs too if they stick to what they know and defend it while keeping their mind closed to new ideas.
5. Show offs - It is important to distinguish between people who are proud of themselves and show offs. While proud people tell about their successes and achievements when the conversation is around the topic of their success, show offs do it constantly and not necessary in relation to the topic of conversation.
6. Shy - It is very natural for people to be reserved a bit in new company, so do not judge them in situations where they are totally new and with lots of new people. Not everyone can approach strangers, extend their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Yvonne", but there is nothing wrong with them. This is only a problem when it starts affecting their daily life.
7. Astronauts and loners - We all want to be alone sometimes. We all want to let go sometimes and do nothing at all, but it does not make us difficult. It makes us human. It becomes a difficulty when this desire takes over our life and disturbs our relationships with others.
8. Competitive - Some competition is healthy and can be a motivator for some people. It becomes a difficulty when we feel we must win and are devastated when we come in second. It becomes a problem when we win and forget that losing person has feelings too and view people as "winners" or "losers".
9. Gossips - Be careful not to consider every talk about others a bad thing. If you talk about others when they are not around, but you say good things about them, this also does not make you a difficult person. It makes you wise and kind.
10. Two faced or Vague - Some people do not explain themselves properly because of language and/or culture differences. People who speak another language have unusual vocabulary and accent that might make what they say seem unclear or vague. It makes it difficult to understand them, but does not make them difficult people.
11. The "special one" - We all have a desire to be unique. This is natural and common. We become difficult when we stick out in a bad way or when the desire to be unique overrides the desire to be in good relationships with the people around us.
12. Approval seekers - We all want the people who love us to approve of our behavior and reassure us that we are loved and appreciated. It becomes difficult when we demand this approval and when we increase it from an occasional desire to a strong need.

Join me next week to find out why difficult people become difficult. In the meantime, I would love to read about your discoveries of difficult people around you.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, "I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive". At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Non-stick or Teflon-coated

Nothing seems to stick to these. They seem like they do not have an attachment to anyone or any particular agenda. You cannot fight with them, but you cannot get close to them either. They always keep their distance and only the few people closest to them know who they really are.

From the outside, they seem like they are everyone's friends, yet no one really knows them. They seem like they do not have problems, desires or heartaches and this seems unreal. It is very hard to connect with a "Teflon-coated" person.

Shy

These people are afraid to express themselves and prefer to observe others rather than participate. They do not function well when they meet new people. Usually, those who are close to them manage them well, because they only tend to be shy around new people. So shy people are only a problem in a new setting, when you need them to step up and express themselves.

Astronauts and Loners

These people behave like they prefer to be in space, dreaming and are not aware of what happens around them. They do not remember what you ask them, they do not pay attention to things and, much like shy people, prefer not to engage with others but to be on their own. It is problematic when they are kids and they need to pay attention or when they are in a relationship and their partner feels rejected because of their desire to be on their own.

Competitive

These people think that every conversation, communication and social interaction is an opportunity to win. They always try to do things faster or better than others do and they do not cooperate, even when that hurts their relationships.

Another form of competition is being sneaky and always setting traps for others in a subtle way that is hard to recognize. Being around a competitive person does not allow you to be yourself or be natural in your reactions and that is very tiring, so people try to avoid being around people who are competitive.

Troublemakers

These people cause problems to others or get themselves in trouble constantly. They are in trouble at school, with friends, with teachers and with various authorities. They are not aware of the toll their actions puts on others. They get into trouble with authority and keep escalating it. Around them, you always feel you need to fix the damage they have done, so most people try to avoid troublemakers and are very concerned and upset when they must associate with them.

Gossips

These people talk about others behind their back. They use information as a weapon against others. They usually use it in a bad way and talk badly about others when they are not present. Gossips create disharmony and conflict where it would not be otherwise. They like adding information they hold to stir up a gathering and bring others into the "who knows the most" game. They will tell people what others have said about them and they will add some of their own stories to make things "juicier". People do not like hanging around gossips, because they know that if they gossip about one person today, tomorrow they may gossip about them too.

Two-faced or Vague

You never know what these people think. They are unclear about what they think or feel and keep their options open to shift their position due to pressure. When you talk to them one day, they say one thing, and when you talk to them another day, they say something totally different, so you constantly feel confused around them. People feel uncomfortable around two-faced or vague people. When you finish a conversation with them, you are not sure you know what they have said or where they stand, which makes it impossible to rely on them.

The "special one"

These people will do anything to be different and special, even if it means doing it in a bad way. They will show off, talk badly about others or put others down in order to stick out. The special ones cannot build rapport with others. Since rapport means finding some common ground to connect with other people, the special ones consider this a threat to their uniqueness. When you hang around a "special one" for a long time, you feel you have nothing in common. People often stop talking about themselves around "special ones" to stop their self-centered talk, but it does not help them.

Approval seekers

These people are a mixture of many difficulties. They totally depend on others and need others to affirm all of their actions, thoughts and even feelings. They constantly ask you to tell them they are loved, kind, smart, talented or capable. They use others to encourage them and support them.

In extreme cases, they test the boundaries of their relationships by being rude or aggressive and asking you to tell them they are still loved. They will do something selfish and ask you to tell them they are kind.

The main difficulty with seeking approval is that it is addictive. The person seeking approval is never satisfied and only wants more and more of it. Usually, being the person they seek approval from is very heavy and demanding. They usually seek approval from someone who cares for them and loves them and their demands make it harder to care for them and love them.

Approval seekers are very needy. Around them, you have to be strong and encouraging at all times, to put aside your own life and if you do not approve of something, they increase the demand for it. It is very difficult to be strong and encouraging all the time, put your own needs aside for too long and be approving of everything they do, so people give up on them with resentment.

Join me next time to explain what difficult people are not.

Have a great day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

Having a depressed family member is not easy to handle. Most of the time, the depressed person cannot admit he or she needs help and rejects any help attempt. Those around them feel helpless and drained.

Gail was very creative in her attempts to help her husband. She went to the doctor and talked to him. She tried to make him go to the doctor, without success. She got him some vitamins and he refused to take them. She arranged holidays to make him happy, but he stayed depress.

"What happened with the boys?" I asked.

"They left. For five years, we didn't have a life. Everything revolved around him. Everything we did was done to please him. He was unhappy with everything we did and with what we didn't do. We had no friends left. No one was willing to come to our house and those who dared only did it once. Every second around him was fighting and complaining, so they gave up and left".

Gail' sons were 18 and 21, both studied at university and had to support themselves. Their dad was so unhappy with their move he did not "allow" their mom to see them.

Helping a depressed person is not easy, especially when he or she is an adult. Adults must choose to accept help and we cannot force them to receive our help.

Eventually, after 5 years of trying, Gail left home.

Her moving out was very effective. Not having Gail and the boys around helped her husband understand he had a problem.

Most of our sessions were spent on managing the process of going back home. The most effective tip I gave her was to use are. I introduced her to a research about depression and art and that worked like magic.

I hope it will help you too.

A research done in Norway with over 50,000 people using blood tests, urine tests, interviews, questionnaires and clinical examinations discovered that art can successfully fight depression. "There is a positive relationship between cultural participation and self-perceived health for both women and men", says Professor Jostein Holmen.

The researches claim, "Up to now, physical activity has been recognized as a measure that promotes good health. But our study shows that other daily life activities may promote good health from a holistic point of view. The results suggest that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and health care may be justified".

The research found that people who were exposed to art feel healthier overall. If they see music concerts, painting or sculpture and visit galleries, they are healthier and happier and less depressed then others. If they make art themselves by playing a musical instrument, singing, painting, sculpting and dancing, the results were even better.

The surprising thing was the results were true for all participants, regardless of their lifestyle and socio-economic background.

Gail's husband loved carpentry. He had not dealt with the loss of his job properly and had not touched his tools since he had stopped working. When Gail came back home, she encouraged him to take is tools out and build a drawer for the living room.

Three month later, the boys came back home.

Have a happy day,
Ronit

P.S. If you ever need a reason to encourage your children to engage in artistic activities or a reason to visit a gallery or go to the theater, you know it now. Art makes you happy!

You may want to read

• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10)

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Jokers

People who make jokes all the time. They are never serious, even when it is required or commonly expected. They think everything is funny and when you tell them things that are dear to you and they make fun of it too, you tend to avoid telling them important things. It is hard to get support from a joker and people worry that they will be mocked when they reveal their inner fears and thoughts, so they just do not expect a joker to help them.

An extreme version of a joker is the sarcastic person, who is a critic in disguise. He is constantly judging others, but hides his judgment in the form of a funny statement. Sarcasm is a form of violence and people do all they can to avoid being bullied by a sarcastic person.

Hijackers

People who are very self-centered. They are convinced the world revolves around them and they take every opportunity to say what they think and to divert conversations to suit their purpose. They do not know how to give a credit to others and take over every meeting or discussion. If you ask them a question, you risk them taking hours to reply and leaving no space for others to participate.

Hijackers do not respect other people's agenda and do not understand the concept of "the right time" to do or say things. Their timing is awkward and to others, it seems like hijackers cannot read social cues and do not have social skills.

Party Poopers

Negative people. They see faults everywhere, they complain a lot and instead of focusing on what works, what is good or what they can be grateful for, they talk about the bad things so much, it is hard to see the light around them. Party poopers are hard work and major energy consumers, so people try to avoid being around them so they can have some fun in life.

Devil's advocates

People that always position themselves as the opposite of what others say. They do not say it because this is what they believe in. They say it because they like they see it as a game. It is very exhausting to be around such a person, because you constantly need to prove your point and justify your thoughts, while in constant argument and conflict. A devil's advocate uses various methods to play this "game", including making the other person look bad, dishonest and insecure, putting them down, being sarcastic and being insensitive to other's need.

Puppies

Those who agree with everything and always get into trouble when there is a disagreement between parties and they have to choose sides or be honest about what they think or believe. Around puppies, you never know where you stand. When they agree with you, you never know if their agreement is genuine or not. They are subject to pressure and when you communicate with them, you always need to consider who is putting more pressure on them. If you let go, the pressure they have on them does not disappear.

Dinosaurs

People with an old and conservative mindset. They talk about the past with longing. They try to live in the past and put a lot of effort into trying to convince others that what happened in the past was better. It is hard to talk around them about new ideas, about progress and about moving forward.

Hostile

People who are in a state of war at all times. They are very defensive. They suspect everyone around them for trying to harm them, so they constantly have their shields up and attack. Everything around them seems like a threat and they try to defend themselves by being hostile and sending messages of "Don't mess up with me". Around hostile people, you are constantly careful not to say the wrong word, as if you are walking on eggshells.

Nitpickers

Being around these people feels like being pricked by needles. They follow rules religiously and are very busy with every little mistake others make. They correct other's spelling and speech and they use long explanations and long analyses that exhaust others. They use their ability to pay attention to details to gain advantage in their communication, but they usually miss the real point by paying attention to what is not important in the conversation. With nitpickers, you never wins and people do not like losing constantly, so they quickly give up on them.

Join me next time for 10 more types of difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child

At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those "difficulties" as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, "No one wants to be my friend". Grownups change it to, "I don't need (many) friends", or, "They're stupid, anyway", because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

It gets complicated in some situations, such as when there is more than one difficulty, when there is a clash between two difficult people and when the difficulties increase in frequency or intensity.

When I studied special education, one of my very inspiring teachers showed us that we all have some difficulties, although not all of them were "learning difficulties", because they did not apply in a school setting (like fear of heights). Nevertheless, they limited out abilities and made us struggle sometimes. I suspect that in some way, we all have emotional difficulties and maybe more than one, although I think many of them are connected. Grouping our challenges can help us greatly in finding solutions. Often, finding a solution to one problem helps us solve others.

When we are difficult and we communicate with difficult people, the conflict increases and the tendency to behave in a difficult way increases. Again, no one is difficult to annoy others, they are trying to achieve something for themselves and, they just do it in a way that is not useful or beneficial to the interaction, because they do not know any other way. In these situations, it is important to understand that throwing the responsibility on the other person is not a solution and only makes it worse, no matter who the "difficult" person is.

How to deal with social difficulties

There are some ways for difficult people to improve and learn to manage their emotions.

1. They can see someone that will help them manage their emotions, an "emotional tutor". This usually requires them to recognize they have a problem and pay a professional who is a total stranger (at first) that will not give up on them due to exhaustion. Professionals charge for their service, so this method can be expensive.
2. They can get help from someone who loves them dearly, who is dedicated and willing to stick with them until they learn to manage their emotions. This is not an easy request when we are talking about a partner or a friend and works much better in a parent-child relationship. A parent will stick with a difficult child the more than any other person.
3. They can get a mentor that will help overcome the challenges of communication and of relating to others. Again, like going to a professional, the person must first recognize that they have a problem and that other people stay away from them not because the other people have a problem but because he or she is making it hard to associate with them. Usually, the mentor is someone they admire and appreciate and they will follow their instructions more readily. It is not easy to find a mentor who will to give their time freely, but sometimes, a distant family member, a family friend, a teacher or a community leader can do it with grace and kindness.
4. They can immerse themselves in personal development, meditate, think, reflect, read and do the hard work on their own. This requires lots of determination and ability to be honest with yourself. I believe this is the longest and hardest method, but it is the best one, because every realization in this method is strong and can give the "difficult" person power to control his or her own life.

This series is for everyone who thinks he or she may be considered "difficult" by others, as well as for those who must be around "difficult" people and look for ways to manage their relationship (usually, those who do not have to be will not bother). Teachers will benefit from this series, because they deal with difficult children every day. Parents will benefit from this series, because they have the strongest incentive to help their own children (remember, kids do not become difficult for the fun of it - they develop this behavior as a way to manage their emotions and if you do not help them change this pattern as the only person in the world who will stand by them for a long time, they might grow up to be difficult and miserable grownups).

So first, I want to recommend you do some self-reflection. If you find some of your difficulties below, seek help, as that will change your life forever. Even if you are convinced you are an easy person to deal with and the problem is with other people, working on yourself, on your emotional intelligence and your confidence, will help you help others.

In the coming weeks, I will talk about what difficult people are not, the types of difficult people, why people give up on them, what makes them difficult and how to manage your own difficulties and those of the difficult people around you.

Easy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

From time to time, we get a knock on the door and someone asks for a donation to charity. The amount of money is up to us and the minimum is typically small. The person is pleasant and often seems like one of the people who would benefit from our donation to this charity.

But to me, this is money for nothing. Sure, research shows that people get a sense of generosity and feel good about themselves when they give money at the door, in the office or secretly in some other way. I still think this is a short-lived feeling that keeps injustice and bad management in our society long term.

Next time there is a knock on the door, the person who donates will be faced with the same dilemma. The next person knocking on the door will be in the same situation. Charity is not enough about change.

I believe that the fundamental ingredient missing from the charity model is self-respect. When a person cannot provide for themselves and relies completely on others for food, shelter and clothing, their sense of identity changes and they begin to see themselves as dependent and incapable of supporting themselves. If this goes on long enough, they end up feeling worthless.

Even if you have never been poor, maybe you have lost your job at some point or your partner has. The feeling of loss of self-worth can be debilitating. When it goes on for long enough and when the loss was big enough (like a top executive being laid off at an age that makes finding another job unlikely), some people even kill themselves. Standing in line for a social security handout is humiliating for anyone used to productive employment.

Money for nothing makes the recipient feel worthless.

Native Americans and Indigenous Australians are great examples of how this can affect large populations. Both were given autonomies in certain parts of their respective country, not necessary where they wanted, and both were given government handouts, supposedly as compensation for their lands being taken away from them. In both cases, many chose to live on the government subsidy and ended up spending their time and their money on drinking alcohol. In both cases, those who decided to go to work have done much better.

Human beings seem to have a sense of fairness in their exchanges and getting money for nothing is not a fair exchange.

A horrible example of this is Indian children who are maimed in order to become better beggars. In the minds of the people doing the maiming, those children's lives are better without an arm or an eye, because they can get enough money to survive and help support their families. But this also prevents them from being able to work when they grow up.

On the other hand, when we lived in Thailand, we did not see beggars on the streets. We saw people sitting in corners, on footbridges and between market stalls and selling little trinkets and flowers. We knew we did not need their wares when we purchased from them, but there was dignity in the exchange, smiles and hope.

For all of the above, Ronit and I decided to support the poor people of the world through Kiva. Kiva is an online microfinance organization that funds small projects all over the globe with money from other people. Each project is funded by a number of people, so the risk is shared. Every cent of funding is given as a loan, so the projects have to make business sense, succeed and pay back with interest.

We believe that Kiva prevents those in need from abandoning their responsibility for their lives and helps create a productive and supportive society globally and locally. Since poor people have limited access to computers and little knowledge of business, there are micro-banks acting on their behalf. They submit requests for funding for groups of farmers, producers or service providers, having trained them in running a business. The groups also keep their members on track and paying back.

For example, our first loan was to fifteen women from Paraguay (pictured at the top) that wanted to be able to offer a better future to their children. They are "fighters" who stretch themselves to their limits to give their families the basics to have a worthy life. The loan has helped them to buy fabrics, threads, needles, buttons and other sewing supplies.

Our second loan was to a farmer in Kenya (holding the sign in the picture above) who takes care of two children at home. He wants to ensure food security for his family. Before joining the group, he was only able to harvest 7 bags of maize 1 acre of land, but in 2011, he had an excellent maize yield of 18 bags on that land. The loan has helped him buy seeds and fertilizers.

When we signed up for Kiva, we did it as a family. We wanted our kids to know about the struggles of other people to help them appreciate their own life. We wanted them to be part of the giving and we wanted them to see that even when you are very poor, you still have a choice between being productive and being dependent.

Just in case you are jumping up and down, screaming, "But some people just can't sew or work a farm!" I want to mention another wonderful organization called the Endeavour Foundation. This organization takes care of people with mental and physical disabilities. Although much of its budget comes from donations and government support, it employs its clients in special workshops, where they make whatever they can make to help support themselves. They may not be able to provide everything for themselves, but they have the dignity of helping and doing what they can.

Many people say that kids have it all easy today. We may not have walked to school in blinding snowstorms, but from a technical point of view, our kids' life seems to be easier and we work hard to provide everything for them. I believe we need to ensure this does not become a kind of charity arrangement, or our kids will develop a dependent identity and lose the ability to care for themselves and their dignity.

No matter how small their contribution, a child's participation in housework and family decision-making is more about their self-esteem and independence than it is about the value they create (particularly when they are little). Do not give them "money for nothing". Get them to work for their gadgets as much as they can, get them involved in your giving, tell them about your own work, encourage them to take care of themselves and help them build a strong identity.

Empower the world one step at a time by helping those who help themselves.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money
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Creativity is the art of making something new and original. We can expose our kids to making things from a very early stage and that will boost their self-confidence and their flexibility. The good thing about being creative is that it helps when you need to solve problems. Creative people are better problem solvers, because they are able to take a solution from one area of life and apply it in another area.

Children are in "learning mode" during most of their childhood. They try things, fail and learn and this grows their confidence. We all want to have creative children, so when they are not, before we start with the Genetics mantra ("He's not a creative child. Some people are born with it and some aren't"), we should examine our parenting style and how it locks or unlocks this creativity. Yes, there are people who are born with high creative potential, but I tend to think they need to be stimulated enough to actually reach a high level of creativity.

I think parents hold the keys to their children's creativity. No matter how genetically creative your child is, you can help them be more creative. Your attitude will determine if your children keep trying or label themselves as "not good with those things", which is worse than not being able to create.

Over the last 25 years, I have worked with thousands of children that talk about their ability to create in a bad way. You might think, "Well, maybe they discovered they were just not very creative", and I say"

You cannot discover you are just not good at creating. You can only be blocked from discovering that you are.

There are some parenting attitudes that do that to children, lock or unlock their creativity. Children get beliefs about their ability to create from their social agents - mainly parents, family members and teachers. As parents hold most of the influence and spend most of the time with the children in the early years, it is likely that they hold the key to kids' creativity.

Realistic creation

When children draw, paint or sculpt, as their fine motor skills are not very sophisticated and their desire is to make things colorful and fun, there is a 100% chance their creation will not be "realistic".

Parents who point out that a creation is not realistic block their children's creativity. If you say things like, "Where have you seen a man with green skin?", "This doesn't look like a rabbit" or "Does it make sense to you that the child is bigger than the house?", you might think you are teaching your kids something about life, but in fact, you are sending them a message that art and creation are only good if they look like real life.

If the great artists thought like you, they would never have created the most wonderful creations of all times. If the great inventors thought like you, we would still be in the Dark Ages with no technology or medicine.

To be creative, you have to come up with something new, something that has never been done or seen.

By being realistic, making everything look like real life, being logical and making sense, we block creativity.

The right way to create

Creativity has no right or wrong way. When my son, Tsoof started playing percussion, he was about 4 years old and played for hours every day. When he was 7, he had a teacher who was so focused on playing "right" that Tsoof stopped playing totally.

It took us a while to realize that playing at home stopped totally. Tsoof is a very creative child. He is 16 years old and dedicates his life to playing and writing music and I still remember the fear I had that his amazing talent would be gone because he hated that teacher and stopped playing for a while.

Children need freedom to experiment, experience and create. When they are under pressure, they cannot think clearly and cannot create at all. It is the same as other areas of life. If they read for fun, they will read a lot, but if they read under pressure "to read the right way", they will hate reading and stop.

If your child is creating something and you are too focused on the right way of doing it or on the right order of things, you miss the whole point of learning creativity. When your child plays a musical instrument and you tell them they played wrong, you block their creativity.

By thinking there is a right way and correcting your children when they cook, when they sing, when they build, when they play a musical instrument or when they draw, we block creativity.

Talent is genetic

Some parents believe that creativity is genetic and that you are either born with it or you are not. I think this is an invention by people who underestimate their creativity to help them feel better about their inability to be creative.

If you ask any highly creative person, they will tell you their talents would mean nothing if you did not pursue them, if you did not try, struggle, learn and practice.

Some parents think they help their child deal with disappointment when they say, "You can't expect yourself to be like Dave. He was born with this talent" or "You're not good at drawing. So what?" It is our role as parents to expose our kids' creative expressions, in hope that they find what they like and what they are good at. If we keep telling them they must be born with it, they will give up on looking for their creativity at a very early age. When things are hard, they will just say, "I'm not good at these things", and stop trying.

By talking about creativity as a genetic quality that cannot be developed, we blocks children from trying.

No mistakes allowed

The essence of creativity is the ability to try again and again and to borrow ideas from one area of life for use in another area. To reach success, we need to make lots and lots of mistakes before we come up with something that works.

Think of Thomas Edison. He was very creative and very determined and he could try again and again and again to perfect the light bulb, because he did not think that mistakes were bad things. He thought they were opportunities to learn.

Some parents are very rigid in their parenting style. They make a big fuss out of every "mistake" their children make and create painful associations with mistakes that make their children afraid to try.

If you examine those parents childhood, you will find that they have a painful association with making mistakes themselves and they think they are helping their children avoid this pain by not making mistakes. This is a very vicious cycle that must be stopped.

By associating original creation with the fear of making mistakes, we block creativity.

This is silly

Some parents think that every creation must be serious, practical and useful. But children create for the fun of creating. They do not expect their creations to be displayed in a museum and their inventions are not meant to save the world.

The way you treat their creations will determine your children's attitude towards being creative. If you think their silly, useless or there is nothing special about them, you are taking the fun out of creating them.

I remember 3-year-old kids at my childcare center not wanting to take their carton car creations home, saying, "Mommy will throw it away and I want to keep it". Give your children's creations the respect they deserve if you want them to respect themselves in life as they grow up.

I used to teach the 3-year-olds to sign their names on their creations "just like the greatest artists of all time" to help them respect themselves. If you have creative children and with lots of creations, you can come to an agreement that you take a photo or make a video clip of it before you throw it away "to make room for new creations".

By talking to kids as if their creations are silly or not serious enough, we block their creativity.

I bet Einstein's mother never told him his ideas were silly...

Every child can be creative if we help them unlock their creativity. You hold the key, so use it wisely.

Creative parenting,
Ronit

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I have been running these workshops over the last 4 years and have seen over 10,000 students from grade 4 to grade 12. In many places, the kids were convinced that changing a name is a must when you move to a new country and when I ask them if they know the meaning of their name, surprise, surprise (or maybe not), most of them do not know the meaning of their own name.

Out of 700 students, only about 30 raised their hands to share the meaning of their names with others, while the rest were nameless. They did not know what the meaning of their names was or why their parents had given them that name. They knew nothing about the story of their name.

I believe that explains why they people change their names once they move to another country and why the people in their new country expect them to "localize" their name.

To get the kids' interest, I told them that in my tradition, the name you are given determines your destiny. You will have the character of the name or the character of the person you are named after. My name is a Hebrew name, which means "little happy song" (in a female form). I think I live up to my name, because I dedicate my life to "singing the happiness song" and teaching others to find their own happiness. It is no coincidence that my life coaching business is called "Be Happy in LIFE".

I am also short...

I find that it is easy for people who do not know the meaning of their names to suggest to others to give up their names once they move to another country and I think this can be easily fixed.

At the end of that section of the workshop, I always tell the kids that my daughter Eden says, "Google is your friend" and they can easily discover the origin or their name by googling it, along with "name" and "meaning" or "origin"! For example, if your name is David, google "david name origin" and consider a few sources.

Usually, I see the students for one day and I do not get a chance to discover what they have done with my suggestion. But in this series of workshops, I stayed at each school for 3 days and an hour after each session, kids came to me with beaming smiles and shared their discoveries with excitement. "My name is Sophie. I am Wisdom".

In the primary school, when I came to work with the kids on the second day, one of the kids gave me a piece of paper, on which he had copied his research from the internet. He came to me excited and said, "I found out my name, Earl, means Noble Man". 5 other kids came to me looking happy and pound and told me their names and meaning. "My name is Liam. My mom said she loved he actor Liam Neeson, so she named me after him". A Somali boy who could hardly speak English managed to tell the class that his name means "Servant of God" and all the kids smiled at him and thought he had a cool name.

When I was packing my things, a teacher told me many kids had come to her that morning, happy to share with the rest of the class the meaning of their names. "They shared their names with pride", she said, "And there was a happy buzz from the first minute of the day. It's amazing how differently they behaved today".

I just smiled. It was not that amazing. Our name is like our fingerprints - it is part of our identity. Knowing the story behind our name and the meaning of our name is an important layer of our existence. It is required to help us define who we are.

I flew back home after a whole week of workshops, feeling tired but very happy and proud for helping 700 kids discover something important about themselves.

If you want to help your kids carry their names with pride, tell them the story of their names. If there is a meaning, tell them the meaning, but if you do not know the meaning ... Google is your friend.

While you are at it, search for your own name too and share it with your family.

Happy discovery,
Little Happy Song

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And that is no way to live. It is not good for the parents and it is not good for the kids.

What happens in these situations is that the parents try to control their children. In fact, they try to control the fine details of what their children do, say and sometimes even feel. They tell themselves and anyone else who will listen how important it is to get all the answers on every assignment correctly. That is how they justify the hours of grilling their kids over homework. They explain the long-term impact of passing a basketball using the scientifically proven motion on their kids' sporting future. That is how they justify the yelling from the sidelines and the intensive drilling at home.

But how important are these things really?

Who are they really important to?

And what are the effects of this controlling behavior on the children, the parents and their relationships for the rest of their lives?

In parents' defense, I would say it is probably the way they were brought up themselves. I even think many are doing better than their parents did, considering the circumstances. They do not know another way (unless they have read enough of this blog).

In a strange way, by trying to control our children, we give them power over our levels of stress and our emotional wellbeing. By nagging, correcting and micromanaging them, we give THEM control over us. They simply use our obvious motivation to throw us to the mat and pin us down.

Ronit and I had a couple of good friends with a 5-year-old boy who refused to eat "good food". His mom begged, threatened and then offered a bribe. "If you eat your lunch/dinner/food, I'll buy you a big ice cream", she would promise. He would then say, "No, I want my ice cream first. I'll eat the food after". She would buy him the ice cream, he would eat it and then refuse to eat anything else. She would go absolutely nuts, but then do the same thing again the following day.

She was so eager to get him to eat some healthy food, she made a big deal out of it, so he leveraged it to get what he wanted every day and twice on Sundays (literally). She cared so much about how his eating habits reflected on her parenting quality, she put her little son in charge of her self-esteem.

This kind of situation is very scary for the child. It means the parent does not have a sense of priority and enough self-confidence to be in charge. Kids view their parents as almighty and being able to shake them so easily makes them unable to rely on the parents for their own security.

So what should parents do?

The secret to trading failure to control with real power involves developing a personal perspective, having clear priorities, focusing only on truly important things and assuming a coaching position.

How to develop a personal perspective in parenting

As always, start by finding a quiet time and place, then relax by taking a few long, deep, slow breaths. Once you are calm and your head is clear, imagine the last scene in which you tried to control your child and ended up pulling your hair out.

Freeze the scene, as if everyone in it suddenly turned into metal or stone (ice is too cold). Now, float out of your body and position yourself opposite the image of you. Take a good look at your face and your body language. It is very likely you will recognize a fear in yourself, which you have not been aware of, but seems to be the source of your pressure during the scene.

Ask yourself, "Why do I really want my child to do [whatever it was]? What was I afraid would happen if he/she didn't do it?"

In many interpersonal conflicts, at least one party considers their views universal and absolute. Often, by accepting them as personal preferences, the conflict goes away. In a struggle with your kids, it is important to realize that although you may believe you are doing what is best for them, you are always first and foremost serving your own interests. When you are afraid of something, you become defensive and uncompromising. That is just human.

Now ask yourself, "Realistically, if I said and did nothing that time, what is the worst thing that could happen?"

In our friend's case, her son would have become hungry over time without ice cream, which would have given her enormous power over him, because then he would have eaten anything she allowed him to eat. If only she overcame her fear for 30 minutes or so...

How to have clear parenting priorities

No matter how many times we ask parents this question and no matter how we present it to them, what parents want most for their children is happiness. They just want their kids to be happy. The rest is just ways to get there.

Now that you are calm and being honest with yourself, ask yourself, "Would my kids be happier if I taught them how to do everything right or if I let them experience life on their own?" Again, consider the most recent incident or perhaps the most common conflict with your kids for perspective.

As a minimum, children need to be healthy and safe. Beyond that, they need to be happy and learn how to stay healthy, safe and happy on their own. Anything we force them to do that serves another aim hurts everybody.

In our friend's case, the little boy became less and less secure and more and more defiant, searching for the point where his mother would finally provide a boundary for him. He was not happy, she was not happy and his father was not happy. A few years later, the couple split and the boy went to live with his dad.

How to assume a coaching position with your kids

Kids are just little people. They are people in the making. From the minute they are born, we need to treat them as individuals. They are not us. They are not part of us. They grow up in a different world and have different needs and different physical and psychological abilities and limitations.

If we deal with them to serve our own happiness, this will often result in conflict. They may not be able to explain it to us, but they can feel it.

But if we do our best to help THEM get what THEY want out of life (using age-appropriate methods, of course), there will be fewer conflicts, our kids will feel safe and supported and life will be good for everyone.

A split second before responding to anything your kids do or say, stop, breathe, look at the scene from a neutral position (do the scene freezing exercise above until you get the hang of this), find the response you believe will make everybody the happiest and then act.

If you do this for a while, your kids will learn to trust you. Then, when you need to stop them from doing something they shouldn't, they are likely to just follow your guidance, because you always look after their best interest. This belief in you, this trust, this confidence, is the real source of power in parenting.

So stop controlling your kids. Relax, focus, let go and be powerful.
Gal

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Nothing is worth more than this day
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Kids are little philosophers practicing the theories of the great philosopher of all times in real life. They live in the simplest stage show that is their life, without much sophistication and with no budget. This is ability smart, knowledgeable and experienced grownups need to learn from their children.

Kids do not have tomorrows. The younger they are, the more limited their understanding of time and the harder it is to explain to them what they will gain tomorrow if they just try a bit harder or wait a little bit longer today. One of parents' biggest frustrations is their inability to explain why to try harder today for some imaginary tomorrow. Kids, on the other hand, do not understand why they should try harder, because from their point of view, fun is the best way to navigate through life and "hard" and "fun" do not go together.

Fun as a Compass

Kids' attitude to fun as a compass is perceived by grownups as a limitation, a lack of perspective and experience. I wonder sometimes who is missing perspective. Kids, the artists of living in the now, whose present is full of fun, or their parents, the champions of living in the future, whose present is an endless cycle of anxiety?

Children invest all their energy in what they will achieve in the short term. Adults, convinced they need to delay their gratifications, exaggerate this and without meaning to, they have invented the opposite of enjoinment and fun and have turned their life into a dress rehearsal for the "real thing".

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things
- Henry Ward Beecher

If you are a parent doing everything you can to better tomorrows, if you are a parent telling your kids off for behaviors today that you are afraid they will keep doing tomorrow, if you believe that whatever happens today is a sign for what will happen in the future, if you think that pain today justifies potential gain tomorrow - you have just passed the most important audition of your life and have been accepted into The Big Dress Rehearsal, where you might spend the rest of your life.

Many parents fall in the trap of separating life into living in the show of life and rehearsing for it, as if they need to prepare all their lives for an imaginary future, when they will have everything they want, but they never take center stage and actually play in the show. The problem with living in a dress rehearsal is that you become very good at rehearsing and not at performing. Many parents invest in preparing their kids and become very good at preparing and not at implementing these preparations. In extreme cases, this imaginary future makes parents so anxious they torture their kids today and justify it by claiming they will be happy for it someday.

If you have ever had a conflict with your child that was very critical for you and you were worried they would take this to their future, while your child thought you were making a big thing out of nothing, you have been in the conflict between life as a rehearsal and life as a show.

A classic example of the life as a rehearsal and life as a show conflict is school. In my parenting workshops, when I ask parents about big conflicts with their kids, they say that most of their parenting energy is spent around school, homework, managing time, grades and teachers. Every argument over school starts with our belief as parents that the imaginary rewards of our kids' schooling in the future will justify their pain in the present. Not many parents ask themselves whether school today is really preparing their children for the show of life they will have to perform in their future.

Our kids do not go to school because they want to. We keep them there with our belief that their future will be better for it. In the cheapest format of schooling, we invest 13 years and tens of thousands of dollars on this school rehearsal and we do not stop to ask if we know for sure what will be the format of the show they will have to perform in the future and if it justifies the long preparation. What we can say for sure is that we have become so good at preparing that we have no clue on what kind of a stage our kids will have to perform in 15 years.

Parents differ from their kids in courage. Kids are not afraid of a show that is not perfect, a bit clumsy, without any status or experience, because what directs them is having fun right now. Their primitive compass, called "fun", has stood strong in the auditions of all times, in shows of all generations and on stages of all successes and challenging experiences. By following this primitive compass, many authors have written thousands of books kids have never read, producers have made movies kids have never seen and philosophers have described theories kids have never heard of.

Enjoy the journey, enjoy every moment and quit worrying about winning and losing
- Matt Biondi

Many parents, on the other hand, prefer the illusion of "the future". They prefer putting off the fun of now and invest lots in preparing for life, in hope that fun will come, later. Parents go to work and dedicate hours of being away from their partner and kids in order to make money and have fun with their partner and kids on a short yearly vacation that they end up spending on renovating the shower, "because it cannot be postponed any longer". They get into an endless cycle, where they do not know what started first, the chicken or the egg.

Kids live without too many conditions. As long as they have fun, with a little bit of company, not seeking a big crowd and not dedicating hours for rehearsing or putting on makeup, they will perform on a small stage or in a solo performance, holding a balloon and celebrating their total ignorance of the future. Parents, on the other hand, have endless conditions on the location of the show, who will be the stage manager, what the content will be, who the other players will be, the director, the salary, who will be invited and how hard they will need to clap. But so many conditions and fun do not go hand in hand.

We can learn from kids how to have the courage not to treat life as a dress rehearsal or an imaginary show that we constantly need to prepare for, but to live in a simple, magical, natural show that happens every day in every second of our imperfect, clumsy, fun life.

We should learn from kids about "performing" and having fun today, because there is a real danger that if we keep preparing, when the time of our show comes, if ever, when we are finally thin, rich, happy, pretty, successful, with a high social status and lots of the latest gadgets, it may be too late.

If we argue and worry about a show that never happens, we can only imagine a sad show, in which our kids will be just like their parents and stop believing that more importantly than being thin and skinny, we need to love our body, more importantly than making money, we need to be content to put it to good use or give it away, more importantly than striving for happiness, we need to be happy along the way, more importantly than being pretty in other people's eyes, we need to feel pretty, more than wanting to be successful, we need to celebrate our existing successes, however small, more importantly than social status, we need to enjoy our friends and family and more importantly than buying gadgets, we need to enjoy them.

For kids, every experience is a show. It is natural and without conditions. They cry a little, laugh for no reason, sometimes they fail and they always get up. They do not have to have an audience and if they do, they do not try to please everyone. When they do not get any cheers and claps, they applaud themselves for participating.

We can learn philosophy from our own children, small, inexperienced and lacking perspective. We can learn from kids that life is a show that starts when we give up on endless rehearsals, when we stop trying to come up with the best show ever and we just participate and have fun. We can learn from kids that fun is an enormous force.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

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