1. If you see a beautiful tattoo and you like it, say right in front of your kids that you think it is beautiful. Make sure you separate the beauty from the act of burning the skin. You do not want them to think you are old in your mindset and do not understand anything about beauty.
2. Let your kids express themselves. If they want to start putting makeup early, let them do it. Noff has had her own makeup kit since the age of 3. She used to go to daycare with her face full of lipstick (even as eye shadow). Makeup can be cleaned with soap, not with a knife.
3. Allow your kids to enjoy face painting everywhere they go. Learn how to do face painting yourself and do it from time to time. Each time their face is painted, ask them if they would like to have it for the rest of their life. Ignore the answer. You are only planting the question in their head.
4. Let them get Henna tattoos or airbrush tattoos. Let them learn the consequences of having a tattoo without physically hurting themselves. These temporary tattoos comes off within 3 weeks. Ask them to think if they could live with this tattoo for the rest of their life. Mention things like weddings, graduation ceremonies, standing on stage to receive a big award for scientific research, trying to get a job as a manager, etc.
5. Tell them never to hurt themselves to make someone else like them. Teach them that if they need to hurt themselves (smoke, steal, cheat, lie, do drugs, have sex, pierce themselves, have a tattoo or anything like that) to be accepted, they will probably never be accepted. It is emotional blackmail and it never stops. If someone can blackmail you emotionally once, you are their victim forever.
6. Show them every old person with tattoo that looks faded and wrinkled. It will help them realize that tattoos do not stay colorful and beautiful forever.
7. Whenever you see someone with a name tattooed on them, tell them about the name of your first girlfriend/boyfriend and ask, "Can you imagine how Mom/Dad would feel if I had her/his name carved on my chest". If they are teens, they may find it an amusing thought, but they will take the thought with them and question the justification for it.
8. When buying something that is very expensive, remind them that no matter what we buy ourselves, we change our taste, so in 5-7 years, we will likely search for a new dining room table or sofa. Every time you buy something new, ask them, "Can you imagine if we had to stay with our old sofa forever?" Again, it does not matter what they answer, as long as you plant in their mind that we change, our taste changes, fashion changes and luckily, we do not have to be stuck with one thing.
9. Show kids photos of yourself when you were young. Allow them to make fun of the "old" fashion. Your hair style, your glasses, your shoes and pants, and ask the question again, "Can you imagine if we had to be stuck with the same clothes today because they didn't come off?"
10. Suggest to them to walk with their favorite clothes on for 2 weeks (make sure they are washed). Tell them to go to bed with them, play in them, go to school with them. Have a discussion about our need for variety. Make them understand that no favorite thing stays a favorite forever (pop songs are another great example).
11. Encourage your kids to talk to other grown-ups and get a variety of inputs. Exposure to other points of view enhances their perspective. The more people they meet and discuss tattoos with, the more they will be convinced it is not just their parents' conspiracy but there is a high chance that more people will hold the tattoo against them. I am not saying it is right to disrespect or judge someone with a tattoo negatively. I believe that having a tattoo is not an indication of your skills or knowledge. However, as the director of the Together for Humanity Foundation, I am in the business of perception, impression and judgment based on external cues, and I am afraid to say the judgment in our society is really bad. Until we eliminate it, I do not want my kids to suffer the consequences.
12. Help your kids understand the difference between permanent and temporary. If they are fussed about their haircut, reassure them it will grow. I always say, "It grows back. It's not like chopping a finger or getting a tattoo". A haircut is not permanent, but making a hole in your tooth and putting a diamond in it creates permanent damage. Horrible-looking nail polish can be removed in seconds, but removing a tattoo is a much bigger problem.
13. Get your teens to read a bit about the cost and effectiveness of tattoo removals. This will allow them to have in mind the long process of laser or surgical removal and their cost before they make the choice to get a tattoo.
14. My favorite tip is to assure them you will provide them with an endless supply of temporary tattoo stickers and that they are welcome to put on as many as they like with the luxury of changing them, having them glittered and even having little bright "stones". When we lived in Thailand, I bought thousands of temporary tattoo stickers. They are stored where the kids can use them whenever they want. I put them on myself from time to time to show them that you can have a beautiful tattoo but you do not have to hurt yourself for it.

I love tattoos.

I do not love the idea of physically damaging your skin to have a tattoo.

I think that because I work very hard to help kids with challenges overcome the labels our society puts on them, I find it particularly challenging to carve that label onto their skin.

Long live tattoo stickers.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• My Kid Wants a Tattoo: Short-term Thinking
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

It is easier to shield our bodies against the harmful arrows from without than to protect our minds from the poisoned darts within
- Shakyamuni

Anorexia is a very debilitating disease. While it looks like there is a physical problem, the real problem is the one we cannot see with our eyes but the one we can see with our heart. As hard as it is to accept, choosing not to eat is a way to deal with difficult emotions.

Most eating disorders are the same. Eating (too much) or not eating (at all) is the solution to worry, to fear, to shame, to confusion, to failure and to guilt, and gradually, the simplest strategy seems to be to shut down the desire for food.

I do not know if you have ever fasted for fun, for health or for weight loss. There is a point when you no longer feel hungry at all. I think it is important for people to feel this point to understand that we can eat or not eat at will. To survive, we really do not need much food, so someone who chooses not to eat, really does not feel hungry, but still has those emotions that he or she tries to keep away. If you want to help a person who has anorexia, remember that focusing on the food is (again) working on the symptom and not the problem.

The best solution to anorexia is increasing the emotional intelligence. The first step is to recognize the feelings and the second step is to manage the feelings.

Today, I will focus on tips to mange worrying.

Worry is a feeling of fear from a possible bad future. People go to the future inside their head and imagine something bad, then come back to the present carrying the fear of this possibility. If it seems to you not to be real, it is because it is not. We all do this in some form, but some people have a problem distinguishing between their imaginary future and the present and those people do not just worry. They have what we call an anxiety attack.

Here are 10 tips to address worry or, in its severe form, anxiety, that may be a trigger to choosing not to eat. These are good for anyone, whether they have anorexia or not, and can help you help another person too.

1. Take a deep breath and feel the tension leaving your body. Exhale deeply and inhale deeply a few times. If the tension is still there, take deep breathes for 2-3 minutes. The oxygen to your brain will help your body trigger calming chemicals. Give your body the time to help you.
2. Name the worry. Tell yourself what you are worried about. If you find it hard, imagine someone else saying it. For example, if you are worried about going to a pool party in your bikini, imagine your most popular, good-looking friend saying to you, "I'm worried about going to the pool party in my bikini. I think I am fat". This will probably make you think about the statement as if it is not coming from you and help you question its validity.
3. Write it down. Having a journal, where you write about your worries, is very helpful in getting a bit of perspective. Thinking it is different than writing it. Reading about your worries later, when you are in a better mood, will help you monitor your mood and find correlations between events in your life and the feelings you have. For example, you may have more negative thoughts about your body whenever you spend time with a specific person.
4. Share with a friend. Sharing your troubles with someone who has the same problem can help. If you are both together in this, you can help each other out. Many anorexic people say, "You don’t understand", and they say it because it is true. People who are not anorexic do not understand. If you join a group of people who do understand, you can feel safe and start considering ways to recover.
5. Talk to a supportive person. Many times, taking to someone you trust can help you get the load off our back. Many girls with anorexia have problems related to control. Not eating is their way of protesting against someone in their life who is too controlling, as if they were saying, "At least you can't control what I eat". If they share their feeling with someone who is on their side and can reassure them that the controlling person is not OK, they can stop blaming themselves for this and feel better.
   
6. Imagine the worst-case scenario. If you have a problem, if you are worried about doing or not doing something, ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Sometimes, when you go all the way, you realize that the fear of the wolf is greater than the wolf itself.
7. Imagine the controlling person sitting on the toilet. Again, anorexia is a control issue. Many anorexic people have a controlling person that they try to get off their back and they find comfort in controlling the only thing they think they can control - food. Yet, the controlling person is just a person. Whenever you have an encounter with this person, imagine him or her sitting on the toilet an taking a poo. It will make it easy for you to see them as a human being and not as powerful and controlling.
8. Distance yourself from it. Many things we worry about today will not exist in two weeks, two months or two years. Ask yourself, "What will I think about this in 5 years?" It will probably mean nothing at all then. When my daughter worries about the score of one of her exams in 6^th Grade, I say, "Think about yourself in high school, having the time of your life in the school production. Do you think you'll remember that 5 years ago you got one 'C' in Geography?" She smiles and moves on to doing other things. It works. Try it. Take yourself 5 years into the future and many things will no longer matter.
9. Do something! Anorexia is a feeling of helplessness. If you get into the habit of doing something to fix or improve the situation, you will not feel helpless anymore. I ask all my clients at the end of every session to write 9 things they can do immediately to get them closer to their goals. Even if you move slowly, you are in motion and you are taking control of your actions.
10. Meditate. I know it sounds strange, but meditation is a very good way to regain control over your life. Meditation helps clear your mind and blocks the control that comes from the outside. Any form of meditation will do the trick. Find something simple that suits you.

When you clear worries from the system, it is much easier to switch to healing mode.

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

Here are the last 5 typical teenager thoughts and tips to prevent or eliminate them.

I prefer to be alone

"Thank God they are going away this weekend. I can have the house to myself. I can watch TV as much as I like, play the computer as much as I like and eat whatever I want. Freedom at last!"

What parents can do

When kids reach the teen years, they loves to be on their own sometimes and it is normal and healthy for them to be on their own. Even bringing a babysitter to stay with them (to take care of the other kids, of course) can give them that sense of freedom and it is not a sign of your good or bad parenting.

Having an evening when they can do something different is very attractive to teenagers and as a parent, you need to provide them with opportunities for such time. I remember myself at the age of 15 having the time of my life when my parents were away for the weekend. I did all the same things I did when they were there, but it felt better. On evenings when they went out, we played hide and seek in the dark and I still have wonderful memories of those special days.

When kids are young, have an evening a week away from home. Go to the movies or meet friends, just leave the house and let them know they have the house for themselves so they can plan what to do. Our kids order pizza some evenings or make their own dinner, they walk to the local shops to bring a movie, they play on the computer a bit longer and listen to music in full volume. They bake or go to have dinner outside and they have a wonderful bonding time together.

It is OK if they do not join all your weekend activities and you will find that your time away is a very happy occasion for your teens. It is not losing power but giving and gaining respect. Remember to set the rules about bedtime or having friends over (we do not allow our kids to invite friends over when we are not home for safety reasons, because if there is a child in our house, we are responsible for them in the eyes of the law and we obviously cannot be responsible if we are not there).

I'm better than my parents

"I'm much smarter than my dad. He was not that smart when he was my age. That's a shame. He no longer can help me."

What parents can do

This is life. Kids today are smarter than their parents were and it is better not to fight it and try to show them you are smarter. However, although you may not be smarter, you are wiser, so it is not true you cannot help them. Your love, your experience, your years of practice and your caring are the greatest ways anyone can help and you will be able to give them for a long time.

Stop pretending to be "all knowing". You are not! When your teens ask you something and you do not know the answer, say, "I don’t know the answer for this, but I'll help you find it". My kids are very musical and all play musical instruments. I do not know how to read music (I once asked them to teach me to play a piano piece - you can see my first piano concert). Since they were young (for Tsoof, since he was 5 years old), they cannot ask my help with their music, but I consider myself a wonderful helper with their musical adventures. I sit with them, listen when they play, enjoy it, praise them, take them to and from rehearsals and private lessons. You do not have to play music to help your kids with music and you do not have to know math to help them with their math homework.

If a child needs help, learn to admit that you do not know, but always be willing to help them find the answer or the solution. Being there for them is the smartest thing you can do.

Time to leave

"I don't think like them anymore. I don't agree with anything they say. Maybe it's the end of our relationship. We can't live in the same house when they say one thing and I say the opposite. That's no way to live together. Maybe it's time for me to leave."

What parents can do

Thinking differently is no reason to leave, but when teens reach a point when there are too many conflicts, they may do anything to avoid them. Many parents instill this thought in kids'/teens' mind in two ways.

• When they divorce or separate, they give the child the message that there is a point in time when there are too many arguments and it is better to say goodbye. There is no way around it. Every separation, even if it is done in the best way possible, will plant the seed of "Too hard means no love and goodbye" (most of the time, it is "badbye").
• When parents use their position to control the child and send them conditional messages, like "To get my love and appreciation, you need to be successful at school/smart/sporty/do what I tell you/agree with me/obey my instructions, etc", then the kids think that agreement = love and therefore disagreement means there is no love.

Many adults are still in this position, trying to please their own parents to get over this feeling. So, this belief is very heavy to carry and teens carry it to adulthood. Try to make sure your relationships are not full of conditions. A rule of thumb: if you talk too much about discipline, you are parenting with conditions.

I look horrible

"My skin is not the same as it was before. I looked in the mirror for hours and I don't know what to do. Kids make fun of my freckles/pimples. I wish I could find a way to hide it."

What parents can do

No teenager's skin is ever the same as they were during childhood, so this is a very natural feeling and it is not easy to cope with, especially during the teenage years, when so much stuff happens at once.

Be there for your teens when they experience physical changes during their teen years and share with them your own experience to help them understand this is only temporary. Teens think that the way they look may be the end of the world. Realizing their parents have gone through the same thing can help them relax about it.

Never undermine a child who feels bad about their skin and appearance. Help them find solutions. Eating healthy food is a wonderful solution and making sure the house is free from food that damages the skin (white flour products, sweets, sugary drinks and junk food) will be highly appreciated by teens.

Never make fun of your children and do your best to help your kids find the right food and supplements to help with their skin problems. It can help a lot and teens may not be able to buy it for themselves.

What are they hiding?

"Every time I ask them about their childhood, they avoid answering. I think they are hiding things from me. If they hide things from me, I will hide things from them."

What parents can do

Teens are very sensitive to those around them. 40% of them are kinesthetic in their communication style, so they are even more sensitive than others. Hiding things from them jeopardizes the trust you are trying to build with them. When they ask questions about your childhood, they are trying to form their identity by learning about you, your desires, faults, talents, experiences, knowledge, strategies, values and fears. The more related your stories are to the way they feel, the more they will be open to sharing theirs with you.

When teens get the feeling you might be hiding something from them, their mind goes into full-speed search for what horrible secrets you are keeping from them. I agree that it is not suitable to tell your kids everything that goes on in your mind, but be open and share stories about your childhood in a way that is appropriate for the developmental stage of the child.

Lying is not recommended either, because by the teen years, your kids know you well enough to tell when you are lying. Sharing both beautiful and ugly stories from your childhood can be a wonderful lesson in values and learning.

Last year, I had a talk with my son Tsoof, who was 15 years old then, about success at school. I had talked for years about my own bad school experiences, but they had not sunk in, because he was shocked when I told him I had been kicked out of school at the end of 10^th Grade (not to worry, I went straight back in and got a scholarship for excellence the year after).

Hiding something from kids is very heavy. Sometimes, it makes it harder to cope. If you want them to share things with you, share your things with them and if they share with you something you are not happy about, make sure you still express your appreciation for the trust and the honesty. Remember, it is better if they come and tell you when something is wrong than if they do not. Be a role model.

I hope this series has given you some insight into teens' mind. Many parents want to know what happens there and I believe that most teenagers hold some combination of the above thoughts.

If your teens blame you for all their troubles in life, remember to say that no matter how much grief they give you, you would not replace them for the world and that your love to them does not change even if they do things you are not happy with.

Another thing you can do is to sit down in a quiet place, take a deep breath, relax and remember how your life was during your teenage years.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

As in previous chapters, here are 5 things teens think and feel that scare them and make them act weird, and what you can do about them. I hope it will help you find alternative ways to address the issues and prevent them from keeping those thoughts any longer.

My parents are cruel and weak

"I think my parents are cruel. They hate me. They scream, shout and always tell me I'm wrong. They brought me into the world to torture me. They are weak. How can I trust them when I need help if they are so weak?"

What parents can do

When children are upset, they may think that you are behaving the way you do with the ultimate purpose of hurting them. Many parents mistake discipline for power when in fact, abusing your power and yelling, shouting or telling kids they are wrong are signs of weakness and may cause your children, especially teenagers, not to trust you to support them when they need help. This is because using pressure and force is all about you, not them.

The best way to prevent this is to start very early and examine the use of your power. If you control the family's money and use it to threaten your children or bribe them, you are likely to be perceived as cruel. If you control many aspects of your kids' life and use that control to force them to do things they do not want do, your actions, although you may have all the justification for them, will not translate into motivation but into resentment and anger.

Having clear rules and having responsibility as a parent does not give you the right to force your kids. When a teacher shouts and yells in class, the kids are convinced the teacher is weak and easy to set off. The smart kids will trigger this in an instant by "stepping" on the teacher's emotional "toes". Teenagers are the smartest kids in the house, so when they find out their parents are not all that powerful, they trigger your fear and frustration in no time.

Confident parents do not fall into this trap. They are artists of motivation and do everything to trigger internal motivation in their kids. When they become teenagers, they will have the good sense to do the right things for themselves. It does not mean these parents have no conflicts with their teens, but they treat their kids with respect during conflicts and everybody wins.

Do not threat, do not bribe, do not set conditions, like "I will give you this if you succeed at school". Do not shout and yell. Find your core of strength, stay calm and show respect to keep your teens free from anxiety and confident they can trust you.

Leave me alone!

"I need privacy. I don't want anyone getting into my room. I need a locker on my things. I hate the idea of my brother or my parents searching my things. I wish I had a place of my own."

What parents can do

During the teen years, when the body changes so much, children require more privacy not only to explore their sexuality but also to have the time to think without disruption and to separate themselves from their family. This separation is very healthy and important. It does not mean they will leave home tomorrow, but they are practicing being on their own, while the family is still around.

For teens never to think like that, their family must have some privacy rules and they must be taught very early, so that by the time children reach adolescence, they can be certain no one will look at their personal things or enter their room when it is inappropriate.

If a child expresses a need for a private room, try to arrange a private room. It is not always possible, but even a balcony with a divider is better than nothing. Gal's parents arranged a room for Gal's sister when she was 15 years old in the laundry room. She was the happiest teenage girl ever.

I wanted to have my own room all my life. At the age of 16, when my sister left home, I finally had my private room. My younger sisters and I were in such a great relationship at that stage, I stayed with them in their room, which was bigger, until late at night and we did not want to go to sleep so we would not have to say goodbye to each other for the night. I was hardly ever in my own room.

Therefore, it is best to listen to your kids and not assume that they need a private room. Gal and I wanted a private room for each of our children, but they find any excuse they can to "sleep over" in each other's rooms. Tsoof and Noff share a room and feel lonely going to sleep without the other one.

Some parents do not like the idea of locking for safety reasons. Regardless, teach your kids to knock and wait for permission to enter and be a role model. Never enter your kids' (especially teenagers') room without knocking and waiting for permission.

Also, do not go through their things and be very strict about all your children's private things. When one child touches the other one's private thing, be very clear that "we do not touch other people's private things". Again, this is about respect and trust.

You're not the boss of me!

"They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me when to go to sleep or when to come back from a party. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. What do they know about being a teenager today anyway?"

What parents can do

Parents are in charge of the family, but they can be bosses or leaders. The difference for teens is that bosses give orders and do not care about their employees' thoughts and feelings, while leaders set an example and take into consideration everyone's internal motivations and wellbeing. A boss is afraid employees' might find he is not all knowing and a leader knows he is not all knowing and asks his employees' opinions, feelings and support.

Parent from strength and not from weakness. When you are using force, you are weak. Set rules, but be flexible with rules and not too strict about them. When you are unreasonably strict, it is a sign that you are afraid of losing your power if your kids do not follow your rules 100%. It is OK to come late from time to time. You come late from time to time and you survive your own little slip-ups.

Make sure you ask your teens for their opinion, thoughts and feelings. Respect them and tell them you were once a teenager too and you accept that times have changed, because they have, and what was acceptable 25-35 years ago is not acceptable today and vice versa.

Allow your children to have their own feelings and thoughts, They are not extensions of you. If you want them to be little copies of you, it is a sign you are looking to reinforce yourself. Your kids should grow up to be better than you are. Duplicating you will only keep them behind their generation.

My money, my life

"I want to have my own money and to buy my own things. I hate it when my parents tell me what to buy. It's my right to choose my own clothes, make-up and stuff. They're so old they just don't understand anything about fashion."

What parents can do

"Money and teens" is a big issue. While a 9-year-old will manage if you have financial issues, teens find it harder to be seen in public during their parents' financial struggles. Many parents believe that the solution to all their struggles is having lots of money and giving their kids everything they want, but I do not agree with this.

I have always had enough money, but I did not give my kids everything they wanted. I grew up in a house that did not have a lot of money. In fact, I grew up in a very poor family and I do not think I understood what my parents had to go through in order to provide for us. Kids should know! It may not be appropriate to tell them all the details of your financial struggles, but being open and honest about it can help greatly in changing their beliefs about money and about you.

Being dependent on parents for money is not fun. Admit it! It was not fun when you had to ask your parents for money. I do not think this can be avoided completely, but there are ways of giving kids (especially teens) some freedom with money.

I used pocket money as soon as my kids could count (about 3 years old) and the rule in our family is that parents buy the things we need - clothes, school uniforms, shoes, food and groceries - and our kids can do whatever they want with their pocket money. Kids must learn to spend money and they can only do it when they are free to make mistakes. If they use all their money at once on something, they learn the hard way that money does not grow on trees.

Having the money does not give you the right to determine what they will wear. Yes, there are limits, but you are not likely to share their taste and their fashion sense, no matter how much money you have. You can say how much money you are willing to give, you can insist on going shopping with them, you can insist on not buying torn or low-quality clothes, but do not get into fashion arguments. You are about 30 years behind the current teen fashion, so let go! If you insist, they will wear whatever they want as soon as they leave home anyway. Any control you may have now is only temporary, so do not use your money to control them.

Help your teenagers get a part-time job regardless of how wealthy or poor you are and teach them money management. Guide your teenagers gently through making purchasing decisions. Teach, but do not preach!

Everybody has one

"I must have that pair of sneakers/smartphone/game console or I will have no friends and everyone will laugh at me and treat me like an outsider. I can't show my face at a party with this old piece of mobile phone junk. Everyone has Internet connections and unlimited calls and text. Why do I have to be different?"

What parents can do

Being accepted and being cool are the most important things for teenagers. They are just as important for parents of teenagers or they would not get new cars, bigger houses and more impressive job titles. Wanting to be accepted is a high need and it hits its peak during adolescence. If you think it must be painful, you are wrong! There is a great way to make sure your kids never think this way and when it comes up in arguments, there is a great way to reply to it.

Teach your kids that they are special without gadgets. Help them define their identity and keep telling them "Be special. Be yourself". Being unique and independent is a blessing, while continually measuring themselves against others robs them of their freedom.

Noff has no mobile phone, Tsoof does not have a smartphone and my kids do not have never a game console or any other trendy gadget, mainly because they do not need them. When there is a need, we examine it and buy what is suitable and not what is best advertised. We teach our kids that status symbols are a way to pressure us into doing things we would not do otherwise and that many of those things waste our time and our mind.

The latest sneakers are not a need. Basic healthy food is a need. Sleep is a need. Drinking water is a need. Shelter is a need. Clean clothes are a need. Human company is a need. Do not let your teens use the word "need" inappropriately. Teach your kids to focus on what they have and not on what they lack. In fact, you should start when they are 5 years old.

If we do get into an argument and my kids say, "Why do I have to be different?" I answer, "You are different no matter how many gadgets you have. You have lived in different places around the world, you are talented, your mom and dad are still together, you speak two languages, you love your siblings, you are smart, you are friendly, you are sensitive, you love to learn, you are successful - you are different. We have spent a lot of energy to make you different and that's the way we like it". I think they understand.

It may also help to take an honest look at your own buying habits and consider the example you are setting. Actions speak louder than words, especially with teenagers.

Join me next week for the 5 last thoughts teenagers have that make their life hard and create lots of conflicts with their parents, along with what you can do to prevent them from thinking that way and how to eliminate those thoughts if they come up.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

Most parents, given enough time to ponder this question, agree that the answer is "Happiness". When offered the choice from success, money, love, fame and other things people desire, parents overwhelmingly choose happiness.

The problem is that most of our daily parenting ends up being about other things, like academic success, winning competitions, behaving politely, earning money and so on. Children's future happiness is only used as an assumption, as in "If you do well at school, you'll have more options in life and be happier" or "If you learn how to keep a job and save money, you'll be able to afford the things that will make you happy when you grow up" (excuse me while I catch my breath).

Focus on happiness

I believe that focusing directly on being happy changes what we choose to do for/to our kids, motivates them more and will ultimately make them (and us) happier. Rather than assuming that happiness will be the indirect result of doing homework every day, why not start with what makes (or will make) our kids happy and then tie that to things we can all do every day to accomplish that happiness?

Kinds of happiness

Current positive psychology experts distinguish 3 kinds of happiness: thrill, flow and purpose.

Thrill is very powerful, but short-lived and has no lasting effects. It starts when the theme-park ride starts moving, intensifies as it accelerates and ends when the ride stops and you have to get off and back to un-thrilling life. Other examples are using drugs and having sex.

Flow is when you lose track of time, because you are so engaged in what you are doing and you are doing it with ease and complete focus. It lasts longer, but not long enough. At some point, you have to stop and do something else that requires effort. You know you have had a good time only when you stop and become aware of your surroundings again and for a while, you have the pleasant feeling that you have used your time well. Examples of flow can be found in most hobbies - painting, singing, playing music, putting a puzzle together, etc.

Purpose is when you do things that may not be pleasant or easy, but they serve some distant goal that makes everything worthwhile. People on a mission travel to remote places, fight fatigue, hunger and sickness or give their money away, but all that time, they see themselves stepping closer and closer to their destination and to sublime fulfillment.

Happy combination

To create a winning combination for ourselves that maximizes all 3 kinds of happiness, we would begin by finding a great purpose that inspires us and that we can feel motivated every day to work towards. From that purpose, we would derive some long-term goals, then some short-term goals. We would split those into milestones and each milestone into action steps. Then, every day would be clear, out progress would be easy to track and we would live a happy life indeed.

But this would not work with kids, unfortunately, because finding a purpose at the age of 5 is far beyond what they can do. Finding that purpose for them, of course, has little chance of success and is more likely to result in daily friction than in inspiration. In fact, it would be similar to what happens today.

What we need to do for our kids as parents is to teach them how to set and achieve goals and milestones that reward them emotionally and to expose them to many different experiences in life, so that they can choose their purpose wisely. As they grow beside us, we should also pay attention to what they like and what they do well and gently direct them towards life experiences that are most likely to help them make a wise choice for themselves when the time comes.

Good goal setting

A good goal is focused on happiness. The actions taken and the results achieved are just vehicles. The true aim of setting and achieving goals is a great feeling of accomplishment and a massive boost to the self-esteem.

A good goal meets the following guidelines:

• Specific - the outcome must be clear. "I want to be popular" is no good. "I want to have 10 friends at my next birthday party" is much better. In particular, the goal should specify an end date. In reality, that date may change, but the mental deadline provides powerful motivation. The question here is "What do you want to accomplish?"
• Achievable and inspiring - the outcome must be attainable within the given timeframe. Making a new friend every day will be intimidating for a shy child, but making a couple of new friends in a few weeks should seem doable and therefore encouraging. The questions here "How much can achieve in <3 months>?" and "Is this enough, or do you want to set a longer goal and achieve more?"
• Measurable - progress should be easy to track. This can be done using steps leading up to the goal, like "I will attend every party I'm invited to", "I will invite 4 friends to go ice skating" and other steps leading up to the birthday party. It can also be done using a numeric outcome, like "I'll have 3 friends in 4 weeks, 5 friends in 3 months and 8 friends in 6 months". The question here is "What are some steps long the way?" or "How will you know you're making progress?"
• Responsible - the only person in charge is the owner of the goal. Sure, Mom can talk to other parents and organize the birthday party, but for the child to benefit, every action and change done along the way, should be done by the child. The above goal may be better written as "I will make 10 new friends, organize a birthday party, invite my friends and have lots of fun". This way, the child is responsible for making friends, organizing a party, inviting and having fun, whether the friends choose to arrive or not. The question here is "How can you do or feel everything in this goal yourself?"
• Positive - the goal statement must use only positive terms. "I don't want to be lonely" will trigger thoughts of loneliness and inhibits creativity. The image of a party with lots of friends and fun creates a positive mental state and brings out wonderful ideas. The question here is "What's the opposite of this? What do you want instead?"
• Present tense - the goal should be stated as if it is happening right now. Our mind cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality, so if we keep imagining good things, we get used to them as if they were real. The above would be best written as "It is the 31^st of May, 2012. I have invited 10 friends to my birthday party. I am playing games with them and having lots of fun".
• Emotional - remember, this is the real aim of the goal. Besides having lots of fun, you could add "I feel popular and liked and I know I'll always be able to find friends to play with". The questions here are "How will this make you feel?" and "How will you feel about yourself then?"

With coaching clients, most goals range between 3 and 6 months. Since children cannot see too far into the future, start with shorter goals with very clear outcomes and rewards and work your way up from there.

Goals provide the purpose-like happiness for as long as they last. With experience and practice, teenagers can set long-term goals for 1 or 2 years ahead and keep themselves amazingly motivated and happy.

Milestones and rewards

Working towards a goal is hard, because we always try to achieve something we have not been able to achieve so far. It takes us out of our "comfort zone", so we need to build in some resting points along the climb. To squeeze even more happiness from goal setting and achieving, each goal can be broken down into milestones.

A milestone is the combination of a result (a "deliverable") and a reward. For example, going to a party when invited is an event your child can count and the reward can be a big hug, a chance to tell everyone proudly at the table about the party, one less chore or anything of value to the child that is equivalent to the (emotional) effort.

Milestones reinforce the purpose-like motivation and provide more changes for thrills.

Action steps

Most goals and milestones are achieved in little steps. In order to make friends, the child may have to approach someone, help someone with their homework, join a game or count to 3 before raging. When something big and scary is broken down into little steps, there is no more anxiety. The child should be able to say, "Oh, that's easy. I can do that", about every one of them.

Ideally, the list of action steps should also build on the child's strengths and the things the child likes. That is where flow comes in.

If your child likes to paint, making friends at a special art camp does not seem like an effort anymore. You paint, you enjoy yourself, you make friends who like to paint too. Nothing to it.

Eden hangs out with friends who like to dance Salsa. Tsoof spends most of his time with musicians. Noff likes girls with a strong character who like to be active. Each one of them gravitated naturally towards friends and activities that most support who they are and what they enjoy. This way, when they are with their friends, they are in flow. It is effortless and fun.

I know this is rather technical, so maybe go over it again and talk with your partner about it. The challenge is making it work for your particular child, but the rewards are so great, it is well worth your time.

As a bonus for you, consider that goal setting can become an activity that connects you to your children. You learn to know them in a deep way. You win their trust through some of the most challenging times of their life. You celebrate their joys and help them overcome difficulties. And you develop a common language.

Please come back and share your story of goal setting for happiness.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Competition, Perfection or Happiness
• Winners vs. Whiners
• Raising Grownups

Still, I have to say it scares me to think of my kids getting a tattoo. I imagine their soft skin that I bathed and touched being damaged and it really frightens me to think that people damage their skin to look pretty.

When Eden was a baby, I wrote her a life diary with her photo album and wrote her a long, long, book-size letter with a huge message. I knew that in-between the words, I needed to write the biggest message of all. My message was, "Never ever hurt yourself to gain someone else's attention".

After Eden was born, I had the first opportunity to examine my life and the lives of those around me and I discovered that all of us do things to gain other people's attention, love, acceptance, trust and respect and that we do it even if it means hurting ourselves. I decided I would examine my real motives for everything I did. Did I do it for myself or to please someone else?

Tattoos are a very sensitive topic. If you ask every person that wants to carve their skin and damage their body beyond repair on their motives, they will always say, "I like it!" or "It's beautiful", and I believe them. Some tattoos are amazingly beautiful. What I do not understand is having a beautiful tattoo that you cannot enjoy, because you put them on your neck or on your back and you cannot see them.

The problem with kids wanting a tattoo is that kids cannot imagine the future. They cannot imagine a time when their dazzling tattoo will become a problem. Unlike piercing in your ears, your nose or even your tongue, which you can hide by taking the jewelry out when you go to an interview or a tiny braid in your hair that you can cut off just before your wedding, tattoos are permanent and you cannot just make them disappear.

This week, some people told me their tattoo stories and I thought these would be good to share with you and other parents.

One of my clients is preparing for her daughter's wedding. She is very skilled with the sewing machine, so he is making the dresses for her daughter and the bridesmaids. The couple is gorgeous and has have been living together for a long time. In recent years, they have both found a passion for nature and have dedicated every second of their time to growing organic fruits and vegetable. The theme they had for their wedding was nature. Unfortunately, 4 years ago, not predicting that this would be her passion, her daughter decided to have a huge tattoo on her shoulder. Her mom said, "Maybe not so big, honey. Maybe get it in a hidden place that you can cover", but her daughter went and got at big one anyway.

All is well, except the daughter's dream was to have a strapless white wedding dress and she cannot. The tattoo does not match the nature theme or the white dress and she is extremely frustrated. The wedding is happening soon and everyone is offering ways to cover the tattoo - a scarf, a sleeve or heavy makeup - but she feels all the options are compromise.

Parents can help before, not after.

The other person I met was a manager in a very big company. One of his employees is a wonderful woman who is doing a wonderful job. She is a mother of two young kids and every day of the year, she comes to work wearing long sleeves. 15 years earlier, as a rebellious teen, she had many tattoos all over her body. When she left school, she discovered no one wanted to give her a job and was convinced it was because she lacked education. She went to university and got a degree with high grades. When she looked for a job again, no one wanted to employ her and she ended up working for a temporary recruitment agency for many years, shifting from one job to another that kept her employed from 1 week up to 3 months.

One day, she had an interview for a job for which she was convinced they could never find anyone with her skills, but still received a letter saying, "Thank you, but no thank you". She decided to call and ask why. The lady she talked to, who was very nice, said, "You were the best candidate, but customers form their opinion on you without exams or formal accreditation and your tattoos make a very bad first impression. Sorry, we cannot take the risk".

7 years later, after her kids were born and she went to find a job, she came into the interview fully covered. She has been working with this employer for 3 years and although her boss knows she has so many tattoos, she covers them, saying she cannot take the risk, because customers are not very respectful when they see them.

If only she could tell the future.

People are just human and they cannot predict the future. This is the same when you are very much in love and carve your girlfriends' or boyfriend's name on your chest. Every couple that gets married has a 60% chance of divorcing. Every person who falls in love has a higher chance of separating from the person whose name is carved on their chest than of staying together. Just imagine a guy walking around with his ex's name tattooed on his chest or his wife kissing him all over in bed, including the name of his old girlfriend...

Although people cannot predict the future, I believe that adults should be able to think of these possibilities. Children, on the other hand, do not have enough life perspective to imagine their future adult life and it is their parents' role to present the options to them.

Join me next week for tips in how to prevent kids from having the desire to get a tattoo.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• My Kid Wants a Tattoo: How to Prevent
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

I must be adopted

"Maybe I was adopted. That explains the way they treat me. I've heard them saying I looked like Mom, but I look at my photos as a baby and I don't look like either one of my parents or even like myself today. They could have adopted me when I was just a baby. That makes sense. I think this is why they love my brother more than they love me."

What parents can do

Every child has this horrible thought at some stage. It is very natural to question your parents' behavior as that of adoptive parents. There is no real way to prevent this thought from getting into kids' mind, but there are good ways to make sure it will go away quickly, before it creates any damage.

Talk to your kids about their birth and talk about it a lot. Kids ask question about their pregnancy and birth to check if all the stories match. If Mom tells one story and Dad tells another one about the same birth, that will be odd, but if they tell the stories over and over and everything matches, they must be true!

Teenagers ask other family members about their birth to find out if someone has a different version of the story. As they grow up, they become more sophisticated with their questions and look for more contradictions. If Grandma says you were overseas just before the birth, it will make them question it. If you show them their photos of you (your partner) pregnant, their birth certificate and photos of you holding them in your arms as a newborn baby, that will help them accept that they are truly your child and not adopted.

Video is an exceptional way to prove your biological connection, because it combines the audio of using their name with the pictures of people they know and emotions that can help them feel loved and get past their doubts.

It's all on me now

"When we play cards, I beat Mom easily. I think I'm much better than she is at this game. I know more tricks than she does. Parents should know more than their kids do. If not, how can she take care of me? I need to take care of myself from now on."

What parents can do

Similar to the thought that parents do not always know things, it is very scary for kids to realize that their parents are not that skilled at everything. I remember the first time it happened to me. I was 15 years old and I went to the lake with my family. I left my watch next to our bags and went into the lake. When I came back, I could not find my watch, but I was convinced my parents would find it. They always had, so I had no doubt they would. I searched for it with them without any worry. When the time came to leave, my dad (who was very upset with me) said, "It's gone. We can't find it. We must leave now", and I thought he was joking. It was a very expensive watch and a gift for my birthday. Even when we had packed all our things in the car, I was convinced they would find my watch at home, but they did not. I was very sad for losing my watch and for a long time, I said to myself, "But they always find things. What happened this time?" I thought it was parents' special skill and was devastated to find out it was not.

To avoid this situation, ask for your kids' help and say, "You are better than me with this. Can you please help me do it?" When you talk about skills, talk about you and your partner as having different skills to show your kids that becoming a parent does not make you skilled at everything. Say, "Mom is much better than me at remembering things like that" or "Dad is very good at cooking this dish".

When your teen expects you to do something you cannot do, you can address their feeling directly, show empathy and help them relax and find another solution.

I'm growing old

"I looked at my mom this morning and saw she was not as pretty as she was when she was young. What will happen to me when I grow old? I don't want to lose my hair like Dad or become fat and wrinkled. How can I stop growing old?"

What parents can do

As kids grow, they become more aware of the way their parents look and the "right" look depends greatly on generation and age differences. When I look at my photos as a teenager or a young mother, I look funny in the clothes, the hairstyle and the glasses that were popular back then, but now seem old-fashioned.

Do not defend the old style by talking badly about the new generation. It is a sign you are not accepting change and it will make it harder for you to teach your kids to accept change. I remember my dad saying that the music we listened to was loud and screaming and that there was no value in it, but I listened to Julio Iglesias and Barbara Streisand singing with the Bee Gees and they sang soft songs about love.

Talk to your kids about fashion and about different generations. Talk to them about growing up, growing old and growing wiser to help them appreciate the inside and not only the outside.

Take a photo of them every year from birth to show them that they have changed too and that the fashion was different when they were kids.

I run workshops for student leaders at schools and senior citizens and both "sides" find the experience heartwarming and enriching. Encourage your teens to spend time with old people (grandparents are best) and take an interest in their story.

Fear of being old is a very legitimate fear and everyone has some versions of it. Kids experience the thought and your attitude will determine if this thought will stay or disappear.

I wish I could change the past

"I regret so many things. I wish I could back in time and change some things. Maybe my life wouldn't be so hard if we had lots of money or Mom wasn't sick or Dad didn't work so many hours."

What parents can do

Kids are born with a very weak concept of time. I know many adults that still have a very poor ability to understand, or manage time, as a result. When things are hard, kids (and people in general) search for easy, magical solutions to their problems. A time machine crosses everyone's mind and can be used as a fun way to talk about dreams and wishes.

If your teen shows lots of regrets and a desire to change the past, it is a sign they have an unfinished business that needs to be sorted. Kids take lots of blame on themselves when there is a family problem. This is why divorce always triggers in kids the thoughts "What have I done to make them divorce?" and "What can I do to bring them back together?" Even adults whose parents are divorced still often think that way.

Kids that live it the time machine dream have not learned from their parents to let go. This is often because their parents do not know how to let go themselves. They blame others for their problems, they have lots of guilt feelings and regrets and they use the guilt trip on others as a way to ease their own burden.

It is very important to understand that we cannot turn back time. That is life. A second that passes cannot be repeated and kids can learn this from a very early stage. Even a 6-year-old can learn that once things are done, they cannot be undone and we can only do things differently next time.

Teach your kids to focus on what they can change and let go of things they cannot change. There is no point regretting not talking your umbrella today, because you are not a fortuneteller. At every point in time, we make decisions based on the information we have and on who we are and we pick the option that seems most appropriate at that moment. Yes, we may find it was not the best option later on, but we cannot turn the clock backward to change our previous decisions. The clock only moves forward and our feelings about it do not really change its ticking.

I hate housekeeping

"I hate cleaning my room. I wish someone else did it for me. I wish I had a robot doing everything I asked it."

What parents can do

Asking for someone (or something) else to clean your room and serve you is a sign your teenager feels overwhelmed and that the tasks is making life too heavy.

I hated cleaning too and I think it is strongly connected to the way my mom treated cleaning in our house. We were five kids, so we obviously had to take turns, but she was so fussy about doing things in what she considered "the right way" that we hated these jobs. After washing the floor, she would point out the places that were not spotless. While washing the dishes, she would stand over our shoulder and say, "You need to wash this first", instead of focusing on doing what we can to keep our dishes clean for the sake of our health.

The reason I say it was my mom's fault was that at the age of 14, my younger sisters and I had a good discussion about this, in which we realized we all hated doing chores by ourselves and decided to do them together. So instead of each of us doing something different, we washed the dishes together, washed the floor together and cleaned each room together. After a short time, cleaning became great fun. We did not complain and we did not mind how long it took, because we loved being together. During that time, our house was very clean and tidy and my mom did not control us anymore. We had full control over how to do things. She could tell us what needed to be done, but she could not tell us who should do what or how to do things and we loved every second of it. Even now, cleaning the house on my own is not fun at all, but cleaning with Gal and/or the kids is much more fun.

Housework is part of life, not a form of punishment. Do not give rewards for cleaning or punishments for not cleaning ("You are grounded" or "You can go to the party only when your room is clean"). Try doing things together. From time to time, clean their room and instead of asking them to "pay" for it, think of it as an opportunity to be a role model.

Also, avoid asking them to do things on their own and involve them in scheduling their own chores.

Join me next week for 5 more thoughts teenagers have and explanations of how each thought is formed and what you can do to help your teenagers change it.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• More Control – Less Power

I have 3 kids of my own and they are everything a parent can dream of. They are "the full package". One of my friends told me that if she did not know them, she would think I was making them up. Almost every person who meets my kids asks us, "How did you do it?" Modestly, we say we were lucky, and we were. I am convinced that some things were just lucky, but no one wants to know about your luck, because luck is not something you can bring into your life. So these people say, "Come on, Ronit, tell us how you did it".

I think I am using this parenting blog to say how I did it. As of today, there are 911 posts (is this a sign?) explaining how 3 kids in big differences in age, each born in a different place in the world, who each went through many changes in their life, can all be their parents' bliss.

Today, I want to share with you a very easy trick to raise such kids. I call it "the mirror trick".

Eden came home one day and told us about some research she was studying in her psychology degree that tried to predict people's success based on how many books they have had at home during their childhood. This made me wonder about what possessions our family has had during the life of the kids. This was not an easy task, because we lived in different places around the world, some apartments, some houses, some rented, some owned, some buildings, some complexes, some small and some big. Over the 23 years of having kids, we have lived in over 16 homes.

I did this research, I found out that apart from having Gal, Eden and me there, we also had mirrors in all them. Big, huge mirrors.

How has having mirrors contributed to our kids being so great? Let me explain.

Mirrors are a fascinating thing for babies. I still remember the first times my kids saw themselves or them and me reflected in the mirror. It was fascinating. At first, they tried to find what was behind it. Then, they tried to touch the reflection and feel it. At one stage, they learned it was them and they loved looking at themselves.

In one of the early childhood centers where I worked as the academic director, I had a huge mirror installed in the babies' room. The littlies looked at themselves crying. Try it, when your 1-year-old cries, put them in front of the mirror and watch how their face changes as soon as they see themselves.

When my kids were toddlers, I used to play with whipped cream and shaving cream on the mirror. I had learned this during my work with autistic children and my kids loved every second of it.

When Tsoof was just 2 years old, we lived in a building and had a huge 2x4 meter mirror in the living room. The kids used to spend hours in front of it dancing, singing, acting and exercising. Whenever they had friends over, they all went to look in the mirror and make faces in front of it.

When Noff was a baby, she used to watch herself crying in the mirror and make faces. She used to stand there hours and examine her faces. She was very amused by this and she still does it at the age of 10.

Kids who live with huge mirrors at home are used to seeing themselves. They do not need others to tell them how they look, because they already know very well. Instead of forming an identity based on what others tell them, they form their own identity based on what they see in their own reflection.

Kids who grow up with a huge mirror to look at themselves before they leave home can be confident they look good just before they go out. They are not worried about the way they look, because they know exactly how they look whenever they want to.

Kids who grow up with a huge mirror and see their body over and over again, learn to love their body. They are not so worried about how their body looks in other people's eyes, because they have seen millions of self-images reflected at them and they can use those to make up their own mind about their body.

If you have ever seen a video of yourself, you know that it is a strange feeling, because you are not used to seeing yourself from that position (or hearing yourself, but that is another matter). It does not look like your reflection in the mirror. This is why many people are very self-conscious when they present in front of others. Kids who grow up in front of a large mirror get so used to this image of themselves that they are not very self-conscious about it. Children who grow up with huge mirrors and see their full figure themselves often are more confident presenting in front of others. They do not panic during "show and tell", they are not scared to read their book reports or do anything that requires them to stand and talk in front of an audience, because they use the mirror at home to practice.

Advantages of mirrors

Mirrors are very good surfaces for painting and drawing with whiteboard markers or lipstick and are easy to clean. This allows young kids to have fun on the "walls" without Mom or Dad freaking out.

Mirrors make the room look spacious, which helps everyone feel that they have more space.

Mirrors can be used as (sliding) doors, which can be good use of space that would otherwise be used for nothing.

Mirrors can be decorative features.

Mirrors can reflect a lot of light. If you have a mirror opposite a window, you can double the light that comes in through the window. You can also use them to direct light to places that would otherwise be dark. It even multiplies electric lights.

My kids gained a huge advantage from the fact that we always had a huge mirror at home. In some houses, we had even more than one.

19 years ago, when we started our world travels, I gave my mirrors to my sisters. One of these mirrors is still in use today. When my sister's first son was born 3 years ago, he spent hours looking at himself in that big mirror. When I visit him and when I talk to him on Skype, I find a very confident little boy who speaks well beyond his age and does many things 2 years "ahead of schedule". It is probably because my sister is an amazing mother who talks to him all the time, explains things to him with patience and respect, teaches him, exposes him and stimulates him continually.

And I am convinced it is also because of the big mirror.

Try it. What have you got to lose?

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Perfect Child: How to help perfectionist kids
• The Perfect Child: Is your kid a perfectionist?
• My Name is My Identity

In the past, people thought that teens' behavior during the teenage years was directly connected to physical changes they start to experience at the age of 12, which makes them feel strange with their body changes and confuses them.

Today, the approach is that adolescence is a more gradual process that starts with the first time children want to try doing things on their own, sometime as early as the age of 3.

If teenagers seem confused to you, it is mainly because they have reached a point in their life when they need to define who they are, what they think, what they like or hate, what their beliefs are and what they wants to be later on in life. These thoughts are tough. I know many adults who have not reached that self-definition yet, so this is not easy for a 12-year-old to do, although they are expected to have some clue about it.

One of the problems parents have with their kids is that they do not really understand what is so confusing about life. It is mainly because they forgot their thoughts and feelings during that time in their own life. Some parents have erased these thoughts when they no longer had to deal with them. Some consider their own teen behavior as criticism towards their parents and avoid dealing with it. Only the brave parents keep these memories to make sure they will not repeat their parents' "mistakes".

Around the age of 10, beliefs that were part of children's identity are shattered and they need to put the pieces together to survive emotionally. Kids with high emotional intelligence can do that, but most cannot, so they have to ask for help from those who unintentionally create the problem - their parents or their teachers.

This series will give you a sneak peek into teens' confused brain and help you understand why it is so hard do be a teenager. I still remember my adolescence, I am raising my second teen, the third one is reaching puberty soon and I have worked with lots of teenagers in the last 25 years, so this list is quite reliable.

Following each belief and confusing thought, there is a section explaining the source of the belief and showing what parents can do to help their teenagers change that thought or belief and go through a healthy maturing process.

Schools is not for me

"I have realized that I go to school because my parents want me to go there to prepare me for life. But it is not preparing me for life. Who needs to know the square root of a number by heart? Who needs to find an angle in a triangle? School is a prison and my parents just send me to prison ever day. I can't trust them to make decisions that are good for me."

What parents can do

It is very important throughout your kids' school life not to repeat this mantra to children and to be honest about the reasons they go to school. Kids go to school because parents cannot teach them by themselves or do not want to do it.

Some of what happens at school is great, some is boring and some is not about preparing kids for life. When talking to your child about it, admit that you understand some of it is just a waste of time and help your kids focus on the good that can still come out of going to school.

All my kids have always gone to school for the breaks, for the fun days and for the extracurricular activities (band, dance, sport, etc). Still, they are all very good students. When they complained about school, we said, "You're right, this is a waste of time", "Yeah, I used to hate it too" or "I agree, you will probably never need that after school".

Allow your teens to hate parts of their schooling and they will not blame you for sending them to prison. Help them see the good parts of school too. Positive focus and honesty are two of the best ways to prepare them for life.

Don't tell me what to do

"My parents humiliate me and make me do things I hate doing. How would they feel if I told them to go to bed early or clean the house? I'm not their slave. What if someone grounded them for a week every time they didn't do the right thing? They don't love me. I hate them."

What parents can do

A teenager thinking like this is being controlled by his parents. There is usually a good reason for them to think like that, so check your parenting style. Are you parenting from fear of losing control or are you parenting with confidence?

Teenagers who feel controlled by their parents do not understand that parents and children are not equal and that parenting comes with responsibility. Usually, this is a sign that the home is parent-centered and that is not comfortable for the child. Although no home should be completely child-centered, there is a place in between where parents set a good example for helping and they expect things from their kids that they also expect from themselves.

If you are angry with your child for not clearing the table after a meal while you are in another room watching TV, the child will resent you and question your leadership. Be a role model and remember that the need for control is seen by teenagers as a sign of weakness (which is an accurate observation).

I hate my brother/sister

"My big sister is my greatest enemy. She has way more rights than me. She shouts, she take things away from me, she hits me and because she is stronger, she cheats, but Mom and Dad do nothing about it. They love her more than they love me. I hate her and I hate them."

What parents can do

A home cannot be a jungle where kids need to survive. It needs to be a place of comfort and not a place of fear. When there are conflicts between siblings, parents are not kings and queens that rule the house. They are those who make justice.

Sibling rivalry is a sign that the family rules are not clear, which leaves room for power struggles.

Preferring one child over another because of age ("He's young, give him what he wants" or "He's the eldest, so he has rights"), because of ability ("Shhh, we want to hear her sing"), because of disability ("He can't do it, just help him") or because of gender ("He's a boy, so he can go out and nothing will happen to him, but you're a girl, so going to a party is much more dangerous for you") is a form of discrimination. It sends the message that the rules are not stable - they can change.

This is scary situation, because not everyone understands what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries are. Only the parents can solve it, so make sure the rules are fair and clear!

Will she like me too?

"Suddenly, when I stand next to a girl, I feel different. I blush and my heart starts beating fast. I think I sweat too much around girls. I think I like her, but I can't say anything to anyone. What if she doesn't like me in return? My friends will make fun of me. I'm afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I'm also afraid someone else might ask her and she'll say 'yes'. It'll be devastating if it happens."

What parents can do

Teaching kids about the natural physical and emotional changes can help greatly in situations like this. Treating this period in life as a normal and healthy period can make life much easier for teenagers.

Ask your daughter when she wants to go together to get her first bra before she asks for it. Tell her about what to expect when she gets her period before she comes to you in panic after hearing the other girls talk. Teach your son how to shave. Celebrate hair in new places and changes in the voice.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about these things, get someone else you trust to do it. It is better if they hear it from you or from someone you trust than from other kids who have lots of fear and misunderstanding about these changes. Remember, when you avoid talking about puberty and sexual development, you make your teens think there is something wrong or dirty about it.

Talk to your teenagers about your first love to help them understand it is natural. Talk to them about disappointment and love you did not get in return to help them understand that the adults in their life have experienced these things and survived.

The topic of peer pressure is something that needs to be addressed from a very early stage of your child's schooling. What others think about you is theirs and it is not healthy to let them pressure you to do or not do things. It is important for kids to gain confidence and trust themselves and their own judgment and every time they are subject to peer pressure, they shrink their own judgment and become weaker.

Parents don't know everything

"I think dad is not as smart as he says he is. Last week, when I talked to him about something, he talked as if he knew everything, but I knew he didn't, because we'd learned about it at school. Maybe there are many things he doesn't know and he only talks about them in this "I'm smart and I know everything" tone. How can I trust him?"

What parents can do

Some parents talk in a way that seems very confident to their kids, as if they know everything. Parents like to be in this position and when it changes, they feel a bit helpless and try to maintain their know-it-all image for fear that kids' knowing more than them creates a risky relationship.

It is very natural for kids growing up in this generation to get to a stage when they know more than their parents do. All my kids have had musical training and I have had none. There is no point pretending I know as much as they do after 8-10 years of learning and practicing. My kids grew up in an English-speaking environment and English is a native language to them. Sometimes, when I look for a word, I ask them. It is better to admit they know more when they do. It does not reduce or weaken me in any way. It only helps them consider me as human and trust me, which makes their teen years easier.

To prevent your teens from feeling they cannot trust you, be honest even when they are younger. If they ask you something you do not know, say simply, "I don't know". If there is anything they can do better then you, ask for their help. It is better for them to realize there are things you do not know from as early as possible. It saves them this very common shock later and strengthens your bond with them.

Join me next week for another sneak peek into teens' mindset and ways for you to understand and help them change their thoughts in a positive way.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

If you have anorexia or any other eating disorder, or if you have a child that has it and you want to help, it is important to focus on the thoughts and the mindset and not on the food. Not eating is not the problem. It is the solution that people with a distorted perception find for their problems.

Avoid trying to convince them to eat. It only makes things worse. Anorexic people need control, not a nagger.

Avoid punishing a child who has anorexia. It only increases their helplessness and their desire to control something (ANYTHING) in their life, like what they eat, when they eat and how much they eat.

Generally, anorexic people have a very bad self-image, considering self as useless, not worthy, a failure, stupid, an idiot, etc, and they use every little thing that happens in their life to reinforce it. They use their glasses to look for proof they are worthless and they do not consider single events as temporary or coincidental, but as part of their identity.

Here is a list of thoughts that make big things out of small things and demonstrates the effect of the huge magnifying glasses anorexic people wear. Each one you get rid of will reduce the magnifying effect.

1. Thinking that "every bit of fat must go", even if it is supposed to be in the body. The photos you see of an anorexic girl looking in the mirror and seeing a full-bodied girl are really what they see. There is not point saying, "You look great. You don't need to lose weight". You are not looking through their glasses.
2. Every tiny mistake is proof they are useless, stupid and failures. Anorexic people do not see that mistakes happen because they are tired, because they do not know something or just because they are human. Even the tiniest mistakes should never happen!
3. Thinking "I feel ugly, so I must be ugly". This is when someone is convinced that the feeling defines them. Again, this is a problem with magnifying the feeling and not considering the feeling as temporary.
4. Seeking approval from others, because "I'm not in control and I'm useless". This attitude is problematic because the source of anorexia is lack of control. Anorexics live in a continuous attempt to prove that they are not in control and that they are useless, so during hard times, they will seek approval (disapproval) from others to support these notions.
5. Thinking "I am not enough" - not good enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, etc. Many times, they hear those statements from others and after a while, they start adopting the belief. If you are a parent, watch what you say and make sure your love for your children is unconditional. They are born good enough and do not have to prove they are good enough, smart enough or considerate enough for you to love them. Keep in mind you do not have to use the word "enough" to state that you do not think they are "enough". If you compare them to someone else, if you tell them they need to earn your trust or love, if you criticize them, if you are sarcastic towards them, if you are aggressive towards them, if you are judgmental or if you are controlling, then you are telling them they are not "enough".
6. Catastrophizing - always thinking of the worst possible outcome (and even impossible outcomes sometimes). "I ate a piece of chocolate. That's it, I've destroyed everything!" or "If it didn't happen the way I wanted it, it will never happen!" or "It will never be the same again". Anorexic people have good times when things are alright and they feel good and eat well, but small setbacks take them straight into giving-up mode and "it's not worth it anymore".
7. Excessive use of the word "should" to set unrealistically high standard and make sure there will fail. Again, if you are a parent, watch what you say. Many of the people who use the word "should" grew up in homes that used this word too often.
8. Excessive use of the word "must". This limits the choices and supports the feeling of helplessness. Similar to "should", many anorexic people have heard they "must" do, be or have things so many times that they are convinced it is true. If you are a parent, I suggest you only tell your children they must be, i.e. they must stay alive. The rest is their choice. Otherwise, they might choose not to eat and then, they might not be.
9. Black and white thinking. This is the brother of "must" and "should" and supports the magnifying effect. If I feel sad, I am 100% sad, nothing in the middle. If I feel angry, I am 100% angry. Those people have a problem with rating their feelings (good and bad). If you ask them to rate their emotions from 1-10, the answer will always be "10".
10. Tendency towards perfectionism - keeping high standards to regain control and reassure there will always be disappointment and failure.
11. Self sabotage. When things gets tough, burn bridges. When you cannot do things perfectly, give up and let yourself and others down. One second before they reach success, they stop or do something that ruins their success.
12. Believe that rules of the rest of the world do not apply to them. They use this strategy to reject help and to justify their existing situation. They say, "What do you know?" and if you do understand, they say, "Yes, but your case was different from mine".

It is important to know that anorexic people are not born with those magnifying glasses. They develop them due to lots of pain and an inability to manage their emotions. Therefore, the power of their glasses can be changed with love, creativity and strong emotional intelligence.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Warning Signs
• Anorexia: How to stop worrying
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts