That reminded me of the time when we lived in Texas and I wanted to register for a software engineering course at the local university (I was naive enough to think I could do a Master's degree while working and having a family. Yeah, right). The course I wanted was popular and all the places were taken, so I rang during my lunch break to ask to be put on the waiting list.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come in person and fill out the waiting list form", the administrator told me.

"Can you please just take my details and put me on the list?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but it's university policy", she said.

"What's so special about this form? All you really need is my name and the course number. What's the big deal?"

"Sir, I don't make the rules, I'm just telling you what you're gonna have to do. It's university policy that waiting list registrations are done in person to avoid falsification", she explained.

"You're telling me somebody else might come and register me for a waiting list without my consent and that's such a big problem for the university that I have to give up my lunch break, drive for half an hour, God knows where I can park, fill out a form for just under 2 seconds, then drive back for half an hour? Is that what you're saying?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but that's the university policy", she said. Again.

"What's your name?" I tried a different way.

"Felicity".

"Oh, nice name, Felicity [from the Latin word for 'happiness']. Can you put yourself in my shoes for a sec and tell me how you would feel about all this? Would you want to drive for an hour to fill out a form for 2 seconds?"

"If that was university policy and I had no choice? Yes, I would".

Checkmate.

Boy, was I pissed off at this. I was spewing for weeks afterwards. It may have even contributed to my later stomach ulcer. Or not.

Over the years that followed, more and more companies structured their operations in such a way that clients could not get their way. Not easily, anyway. When I rang Customer Service ("service" is such a misnomer in this context), I would bump into First Line staff who were basically trained parrots. They had a script for every question the company could think of. When I asked a question they did not have on the list, they just picked the closest script and said that.

The term "company policy" rang in my ears more and more often. It was infuriating.

But at some point, Ronit and I learned how to use the same trick to our advantage as parents. Oh, sweet revenge!

Eden would just not go to bed until we did. No matter what we did, she pulled remarkable stunts to stay awake and be with us. We were desperate for some "us time" and for the feeling that we were in control of our family.

We had a couple of sessions with a family therapist and he told us we should just blame the clock.

"What?!"

"Yes, blame the clock. Just point to the clock and tell Eden that, as she can see for herself, it is time for bed. No matter what she says, just keep telling her 'Now it is time for you to go to bed'. Don't argue and don't raise your voice. Just keep pointing to the clock and telling her it's time for bed".

"Eden's too clever for this. She'll argue with us", we said (OK, I said).

"Yes, but you won't. You'll just say, 'Eden, it's time to go to bed', and then she will", he said calmly.

After 6 long years of torture every night and 2 days of referring to the new "family policy", Eden went to bed at 8pm (as opposed to 11pm or whenever we crashed). There was nothing she could do to break us. We were armed with a powerful new weapon of conflict destruction and we were going to use it against any child tyranny.

After that, we became very creative with our use of "family policy" or "family rules". When we wanted our kids to try new food, we would say, "The rule in our family is that we try everything at least once. If you don't like it after you've tried, that's OK, but everybody has to try once. No exception".

When we wanted our kids to get enough sleep, we would say, "You're 10 years old and 10-year-olds need at least 10 hours of sleep at night. Since you need to get up at 7am, you have to be in bed by 9pm. That's the rule". And off to bed the kids went, much to our amazement at first, but we are really used to it by now.

When we wanted out kids to do well at school, we would say, "In our family, schoolwork comes before games, friends, computers and TV. The rule is 'finish your homework first and then you can do whatever you want'. It's the same rule for everyone, including you". And that is how it worked. No conflict. No dramas. Because you cannot argue with the rules.

Here are some more useful examples:

• In our family, siblings love, respect and help each other
• The rule is that everyone helps clear the table after dinner. We all stay together until everything is finished
• We do not watch TV when we eat. That's the rule
• Toys have to go back into the box before we can take out new ones. That's how it works in this house

As I was eavesdropping on the parenting workshop, Ronit was listing these and other examples of "family rules" to the participants. Ronit said, "Kids never argue with the rules. They never think of telling you they're your rules and you can change them. They feel safe when they know the rules and they stop fighting".

I could see their puzzled reactions, which are so typical to those who have never tried this method.

I quietly giggled to myself, remembering how we had used each of the rules Ronit mentioned, at how innocent kids can be and how easy it is to get them to do "the right thing" and feel good about it. It's awesome.

Please try this at home. It does not take a professional (although if you work in Customer Service somewhere, you are a professional already...).

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• How to Handle Pressure
• Spoiled Brats

So this is the message from Julia, describing her sleep problem with her daughter. When she sent me the question, it was easier for me to give her a call and answer her question, but I wanted to share it with you too, just in case you are having similar challenges.

Hi Julia,

When we were just a young couple with a baby, we wanted to spend every second with Eden. As soon as Gal came home from work, we wanted to be together with her all the time, talk to her, sing songs, play with her and listen to every smart thing she did (and she did a lot).

One day, when she was 11 months old, we realized Eden had taken over our life and we had no time to be together, because our dear daughter went to sleep only when we did. So we decided that was it! She needed to go to sleep at 8pm so we could have a bit of time for ourselves.

But that did not work very well. Eden cried and cried. As she was a very smart girl, she started talking to us from her room and the guilt feelings ran wild.

For a long time, we tried everything we could think of. I will list the things we tried just to give you some idea, but nothing really worked for us. I read every book about sleeping problems, but in fact, Eden did not have any sleeping problems, because as soon as she finally put her head down and stopped moving, she fell asleep and slept right through the night until morning.

You see, I was the luckiest mother on Earth. While others had to wake up in the middle of the night to attend to their babies, I woke up once to breastfeed her during the first 3 months and from then on, she slept the whole night through. She is now 21 years old and I have woken up for her at night maybe 20 times since then.

Here is a list of things you can do. Hopefully, you will not have to try them all (like I did). And maybe the story after the list will work even better than all of them.

1. Change eating time - Eden was so sophisticated she would get to bed and get up half an hour later saying she was hungry. I felt so bad about it I gave her food immediately, but we realized it was just one of her tricks to stay awake. She never seemed to go to Gal to tell him she was hungry at 10:30 pm, so every time she came to me, I sent her to Gal. Gal would smile at her and say, "Tough!" and send her to bed. She stopped after the third time she tried it.
2. Change diet - no sugar, coffee, tea or chocolate in the evening
3. Change bath time - Eden linked her bath with going to bed, so she would refuse to have a bath. We started washing her before dinner
4. Sit with her - This was not successful, because she would talk to us all that time or keep moving one of her limbs so she would not fall asleep. As soon as she forgot to move her hand or foot, she would fall asleep, but that took ages
5. Explain about the body and how important sleep is for good function of the body
6. Have other people talk to her about the importance of sleep
7. Have a night ceremony - Reading books, getting her teddy bears and "blankie", singing "good night" songs, etc
8. Have a relaxed hour before bedtime
9. No TV before bedtime - Eden was born before the time of the computer, so playing on the computer before bedtime was not an issue, but if you are dealing with sleeping problems nowadays, you should make sure that computer time ends at least 2 hours before sleep, because the screen light creates the illusion of day and disturbs sleep
10. Decorate her room to make it a happy place
11. Tell stories about fairies giving gifts
12. Tell stories about fairies giving money
13. Get meditation CDs and listen in bed
14. Let her cry in her room - Our book said that if a baby cries more than 10 minutes, there is a problem. Eden would cry for 9 minutes and 59 seconds and then fall asleep. It was torture
15. Buy a new bed
16. Allow her to go to sleep whenever she wanted
17. Allow her to sleep wherever she wanted (but never in our bed!). On some weeks, Eden fell asleep on the living room carpet
18. Take away privileges and favorite objects
19. Buy new bed sheets with characters she liked
20. Take her to family members' houses to sleep over - This was mostly so we could have some time off for ourselves. From the age of 1 until Eden was 4 years old, we lived in the same town as our parents did, so it was easy. It helped us for a while, but as soon as she came back home, it was exactly the same.
21. Make sure there were no electric things in her room
22. Drink warm milk before bed - We later discovered this was very bad for her, because she was allergic to milk, so this was definitely not good
23. Put relaxing scents in an oil burner
24. Bribe her - "If you go to sleep on time, I will…" (Yes, I was desperate. If you can, try to avoid it. It makes kids manipulate you in return. Ouch!)

We tried every idea we read about or heard about for about 5 years. Everything worked for no more than a week. Eden was exhausted and so were we.

I want you to understand she did not disturb or prevent us from going about our business. We could do anything in the house and she just joined us - cleaning, cooking, playing and walking around the neighborhood. She just never allowed us to be together without her.

You may have considered Ophelia Syndrome (the feminine Oedipus Syndrome - kids seeking attention from the parent of the other sex), but that usually starts at a later stage and Eden did not want Gal's attention more than she wanted mine. When we were together, hugging and kissing, she would come and hug and kiss us too. Or when Gal and I played "Catch" and Gal caught me, she would pull him away from me, as if she was trying to protect me.

One solution we found was to go to bed early and stay there for a while until she was convinced we are asleep, while doing our best to stay awake.

Another positive decision we made as a result of this was that once a week, we went out and brought a babysitter to watch over Eden (a decision we have kept for over 20 years now). We needed time to talk, be together, go out and meet other people. Once a week, we left the going-to-sleep battle for someone else. Surprisingly, the babysitters did not have to fight at all. Eden was cute and the babysitter did not mind sitting with her for an hour until she fell asleep. By the tame we came back, she was fast asleep and we had some quiet time. Highly recommended!

But the real solution came later.

When Eden was 6 years old and Tsoof was born (after we had lost two babies), we decided we could not afford to have this problem any longer. Tsoof was just one week old and I said to myself, "I give up!" I made an appointment with a family therapist and we went to see him with Eden. He listened to our problem and told Gal and me to come and see him without Eden.

We got a babysitter for the kids and went to see him. He said to us, "When you come home, tell her it is time to go to bed!"

Gal and I looked at each other not really understanding what he was saying.

"And?" we asked him.

"That's it! You just tell her, 'Eden, now it is time to go to bed' and that's it".

We were shocked. Was this guy serious?

"And what makes you think she will go to sleep?" I asked him, "We have been saying this for 5 years and it doesn't work".

"Just go home and say to her 'Eden, now it is time to go to bed'", he kept repeating.

"She won't!" I became frustrated, "You don't know her. She will argue until the cows come home. She will say, 'Why are you staying awake?' and 'It's not fair' and 'I'm doing OK like this'. She won't go to sleep. She will stay awake and argue".

He looked at me and said, "Yes, she will argue, but you won't".

We left his office after an hour, feeling a bit frustrated. On the way home, we said that therapist probably had no kids of his own, because no one with kids would suggest anything so stupid.

We came home, had dinner, cleared the table and it was 8pm. I turned to Eden.

"Eden, now it is time to go to bed".

Eden looked at me and said, "No, it's not!"

I wanted to react immediately, but I remembered what the family therapist said and held back. "Eden, now it is time to go to bed", I said again calmly.

"I don’t have to. You're not the boss of me", she said.

I wanted to say, "I AM the boss of you! I'm your mother, I'm the grownup here and I can tell you what to do", but instead, I took a deep breath and said again in a clam voice, "Eden, now it is time to go to bed".

As we had suspected, Eden argued for two hours, but we kept saying, "Eden, now it is time for you to go to bed". She said she was not going to bed and in the end, she did not.

The following night, it all started again, but this time I said, "Eden, now it is time for you to go to bed" and I turned my back on her. Eden started arguing, but the sentences changed to questions.

"Why do I have to go to bed?" or "How are you going to make me?"

I told myself I would do exactly as the therapist had said (even if he had no kids of his own), so my answers were all the same, like a broken record, "Eden, now it is time to go to bed".

I said this about 70 or 80 times that night and, sure enough, Eden only went to sleep when we did.

The third night sounded exactly the same. I used my mantra (meanwhile arguing with her in my mind) and she kept protesting. But this time, she went to bed early.

Can you imagine?

We had argued for 5 years times 365 days and she went to bed early on the third day of not arguing.

Here is what I learned from that one hour of coaching:

1. Wanting to be with the parents is very typical of first born children, because they do not fully understand that Mom and Dad are different from them and think they live in a trio.
2. Being an only child for 6 years only increased Eden's belief we were a trio and doing things without her made her feel rejected.
3. We had a belief that to be good parents we needed to explain things to our kids, even if it meant explaining them to death. Eden was a smart girl, so she understood this was our weakness and used it to be with us longer.
4. Eden was too young to understand all the scientific/psychological/social reasons people need to go to sleep. "Do you know how many grownups do not understand that they need enough sleep?" the therapist asked us, "Sometimes, kids need to do things because you tell them to. You can try explaining, but they may not understand. Give them six months and try again, but continuing to explain is perceived by the kids as a weakness".

This is my story of kids not wanting to go to sleep. From that day onwards, for the last 14 years, we have had no fights with Eden about going to sleep. She is 21 years old now and has two siblings, but she still thinks she is one of the grownups in the family (in terms of responsibility). Although we do not say anything to her about going to sleep, you can see her from time to time arguing with herself, debating whether to go to sleep or stay awake and read a book or cram some more psychology material. Some nights, we go to sleep before she does and she comes to tuck us in and turn the lights off.

I hope my story will help you too.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Family Policy
• How to Handle Pressure
• TV Diet (8): How Much TV is Too Much?

Setting rules and following a discipline routine is not easy. It requires parents to have lots of discipline and self control. To my surprise, when people seek parenting programs to enhance their parenting skills, they look for disciplining tricks and techniques when in fact, what they need is not a one-size-fits-all way of parenting but exposure to many different philosophies, which they can adapt to their own kids, beliefs and circumstances.

Parental discipline can be one or a mixture of the following definitions:

1. A set or system of rules and regulations
2. Training to act in accordance with rules like military discipline
3. Activity, exercise or a routine that develops or improves a skill. For example a daily practice of the musician is an excellent discipline
4. Punishment given to correct the behavior or skill
5. Behavior that matches the rules of behavior for example: My son has good discipline as he goes to sleep early every night to allow himself to get up early in the morning for his rehearsal

If you examine your life, you will be able to find that you fit into one of these categories. Parents who focus on the skills and the behavior have a different discipline style to parents who focus on the rules.

As I prepared for this Top Parenting Bloggers project, I thought that the topic of discipline was probably something every parent would like to hear from people who have made parenting a high priority and somehow managed it well. Here are their answers.

What is your discipline philosophy?

If I do things my kids do not like, I explain once, twice, three times. Sometimes they cannot understand, just because they are just kids. If I have not convinced them, I tell them that that's what captains do, they are there to make the decisions and parents are the captains of their household, so they will have to accept my decision.

I believe that having rules and boundaries is very important for kids. They are there to give kids stability, confidence and a sense of safety, not to limit them. Consistent parenting provides this safe zone to the kids. If there is a breach of rule, it is always because I wasn't clear about the rule in the first place.

So now that you know how the Top Parenting Bloggers think, what is your parenting philosophy? Use the comment box below to share with us your thoughts and comments.

Join us again next week, when the top parenting bloggers discuss their profound parenting moments.

If you wish to know more about the bloggers who take part in this project or contact any of them, please visit their blogs, follow them on Twitter and/or become their fan on Facebook. Alternatively, you can send them a question or comment through the comment box below.

Thanks again to Susan, Sue, Annie and Annie Fox, RJ, Ria and.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Discipline in Question
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

It is a valid question and I think that people who ask it probably think this is the meaning of happiness, which makes me wonder why they do it to themselves. You see, some definitions of happiness are too tough, meaning it is hard to achieve them, and I would much rather have a definition of happiness that is easy to get.

Let me explain this by using food as an analogy. Who do you think is happier, someone who says "I'm only happy when I drink luxury wine from 1864, use spices from the jungles of the Amazon and cook my food for 22 hours, 16 minutes and 33 seconds precisely" or someone who says, "I'm happy when I eat" (I have two of the second type at home)?

When I was a young girl, I learned to be fussy about food. Not luxury fussy but "autistic" fussy. I was afraid to try new kinds of food. I think my mom worked very hard to make us fussy. She was a chef and knew how food was prepared and she scared us to death eating outside of eating out. All of us were very fussy about eating outside the house.

Gal, on the other hand, was always the un-fussiest eater in the world. He loved exploring food and eating out brought him (and his family) lots of joy and wonderful memories. You should see him eat - he dedicates all his attention to the aromas and flavors of the food. Gal used to eat a lot, and I mean seconds and thirds and all the leftovers from everybody else's plates. Oh, by the way, he was and still is skinny. He can be so creative with his food we used to joke he could eat a sandwich with chocolate spread, mayonnaise, hot chili and garlic. When he cooks, he comes up with wonderful recipes and can compete with my mom at guessing what ingredients and spices are in a dish.

Who do you think is happier during every meal? Me, saying, "Food makes me happy only if…" or Gal, saying, "Food makes me happy. Period"?

Years ago, Gal told me a story about Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis. Jackie had a famous chef who made her meals. The chef loved his job so much he did his best to make her the most special food every time. He looked for special ingredients and measured every drop, but when she sat at the table, she took a bottle of ketchup, flooded her dish with the red sauce and ate it with pleasure. The chef was so frustrated that one day, he served her horse meat and mushrooms. When she poured ketchup all over it and ate it, the chef quit and told the press.

This story was meant to say that Jackie Kennedy-Onassis had no taste, but to me, it also says she was happy (at least with her food). She was one of the richest women in the world and she made a rule that made her happy with very little effort - by pouring ketchup over her food. The chef's rule was that food is good only if it contains fine ingredients in precise measures and is made with a lot of effort and skill. Jackie had a rule that if there is ketchup on her food, it tastes great! So simple.

But I do not want to talk about food. I want to talk about fussiness. People are as fussy about happiness as they are about food. Many people make it too hard for themselves to feel happy because they put layers of obstacles on the way.

Usually, I prefer to show the positive way of being happy rather than giving examples of the opposite, but this time I will do something different and describe the rules that prevent you from being happy. I hope you will not see yourself in the list, but if you do, remember you are always free to change your own rules. Happiness should be easy for you too, as easy as pouring ketchup on your food.

If you have kids, remember that if your happiness rules are tough, your kids will adopt them, because they still do not have filters sophisticated enough to recognize that your rules are too hard to live by.

Self-assessment: How fussy are you?

Look at the list of statements below. Each statement makes it hard to feel happy with yourself and the more statements you use, the more of them you need to change if you want to make it easy to feel happy.

Each statement either makes it easy for you to feel bad or hard to feel good and they should be the opposite. It is important to note that an easy way to feel good is to take full responsibility or to minimize the strength of the problem.

Some statements are in the form of rules, like "When people are rude, I am unhappy". Some imply an underlying rule, like "It is so hard to…", which might mean you expect things to be easy, or "There is no point in…", which implies you might be using your past experience to block some opportunity in the present, because you believe that what happened in your past always happens. Others show lack of responsibility, like "Someone insulted me", which ignores your own (mis)interpretation and choice to feel insulted.

Go over the list and mark the statements you use.

Go over the statements you use and give them points. If you use this statement a lot, give it 3 points. If you use it sometimes, give it 2 points and if you use it rarely, give it one point. Statements you never use get a 0.

Add up all the points.

If your point count is 200-300, you are extremely fussy and your rules of happiness are irresponsible, you blame everyone else for your feelings and problems, you lack motivation and negative. You have law self image. (Ouch, it hurt me writing it)

If your point count is 100-200, you are fussy and your rules make it hard for you to feel happy. There are areas of life that gives you much happiness while others you find very hard to cope with.

If your point count is 50-100, you probably use some of the statements sometimes and mainly in stressful points. Generally you have pretty good rules of happiness and you know your challenges.

If your point count is less than 50, you are a happy "eater" and you are mostly responsible, in control of your feelings, motivated, positive with a good self image. You can be an inspiration to others.

Fussy statement list

1. I am happy when others treat me the way I expect them to
2. I am happy when people help me without being asked
3. I am happy when others tell me they love me
4. When people are rude, I am unhappy
5. I wish I could do better
6. I am happy when I earn lots of money
7. No one wants to be with me
8. If people say something behind my back, it upsets me
9. I hate it when…
10. It is so hard to…
11. I won't make it
12. I can't … if I don't … first
13. It's not fair
14. It's unbearable when…
15. People must follow the rules
16. I've always been like this (on things you are not benefiting from)
17. It's hard to change
18. I'm not that young anymore
19. I will be happy when I finish this job
20. I am too young/old/tall/soft/slow/aggressive for…
21. One day, I will…
22. I need to lose weight
23. I need to be more…
24. They don't like me
25. They shouldn't have done it
26. I'm not very good in…
27. There is no point in…
28. There are people better than me
29. I am not perfect
30. That was a stupid thing to say/do
31. I can never…
32. Unacceptable!
33. I would rather die than…
34. That was a waste of time
35. There is nothing I can do about it
36. I am good but…
37. That is a good idea but…
38. I am sort of happy about this...
39. I have high expectation from myself
40. I am afraid of what is going to happen
41. I can't forgive
42. They are wrong
43. I can't forget (when something bad/sad happens)
44. There is no chance
45. I shouldn't have done that
46. It is bad when I make mistakes
47. It is impossible…
48. I feel uncomfortable to say "No" to a friend
49. I should do that or else…
50. No one appreciates me
51. Only when I get a raise, I will know that…
52. Only when he will say "sorry", I will…
53. I am worried about…
54. I think it will turn out bad
55. It shouldn't have happened
56. It's best to give up (when trying to do something you want and it gets hard)
57. No one understands me
58. That's life!
59. Friends are only friends when they…
60. I am no good at…
61. This is not my responsibility
62. It is someone else's fault
63. A person is good only when…
64. Happiness is hard work
65. No one cares about me
66. Someone has hurt me, so…
67. I don't have time
68. I wish I've never done it
69. It is too late to learn
70. There is no one I can ask
71. I can only trust myself
72. I should not feel sad
73. I am going to have a nervous breakdown
74. I hate losing
75. They do not love me enough
76. You are a (any label)
77. I do not like it when people tell me what to do
78. Food is good only when…
79. Everyone thinks I am… (bad thing about yourself)
80. No one listens to me
81. It is so frustrating
82. What are they going to say about me if they find out I?
83. I am a failure
84. It is annoying
85. I can't help it
86. You can be successful only when…
87. I can't afford this…
88. I am only worth as much as I earn
89. It upsets me when people do bad things
90. I never managed to …
91. They make me angry
92. This is my last and only chance
93. The future seems very dark
94. I wish it never happened
95. If people say/do …, it means they do not like me
96. I must do that or…
97. There is no hope
98. It is the worst thing…
99. Someone insulted me when…
100. I'm successful only if I earn lots of money

Regardless of your score, it is a good idea to change the sentences to enjoy life.

How to become less fussy

1. Every rule that involves others needs to become responsible by changing the statement from "them" to "I". For example, "They make me angry" can change to "I got angry", because no one can force you to be angry and you may have misinterpreted "their" intention.
2. Change all the "no hope" statements to something with a chance, a hope or a way out. Where there is a will, there is a way. Taking a really deep breath always helps and so does getting ideas from others, if you need to.
3. Get rid of "must", "have to", "should" and "shouldn't". There is no absolute right that we (or others) must follow. Instead of saying "I must always arrive on time", you can say "It's better for me to arrive on time". Using "Better" means you recognize that there are options and that you have a choice.
4. Replace strong and over-generalizing statements. "Sometimes I don't succeed" is better than "I never succeed". Find words that says the same thing but not in such a harsh way. "I hate when it rains" is a very strong statement, while "I prefer sunshine" or "My glasses are getting wet" are softer statements that make it harder for you to get upset.
5. Erase the "only" from happy statements. It is not true that you can be happy or successful only when you earn lots of money or when particular people like you. No matter what your circumstances are, you can always find something to be happy about right now. You might have been happier if things were different, but you can still be happy as it is. It is your choice.

Seeking happiness is a quest that involves changing your mindset to make it easy to feel love, success, health and happiness. As much as we are what we eat, we are also what we think. Now that you have finished making an un-fussy happy list, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep the list with you and get your mind to believe it by reading it over and over.

As I said last month, you can use this new list to easily convince yourself that you are wonderful, awesome, smart, capable, friendly, creative, forgiving and strong. Why? Because you are!

Again, if you need convincing, you can use any of the convincers on our websites - read more inspiring articles and purchase my new book In the Outback with Jasmine Banks. Alternatively, get yourself some life coaching or book one of my presentations for your organization and let me do the convincing for you.

And until next month, make happiness easy to achieve, because it is.

Love,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Winners vs. Whiners
• Make a list: Feelings I Want to Feel
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

"Last night, I picked up my 15-year-old daughter from a party. I'm one of the rare parents who still come to pick their kids up. The rest takes a taxi", she complained, "When I arrived, there were lots of police cars around".

"Did anything bad happen?" I asked, worried.

"Oh, no, that's usual. Every time she goes to a party, someone does silly things and the police arrive".

My 20-year-old daughter and my 14-year-old son had never participated in a party where the police arrived, so I asked her, "What do you mean by 'silly things'?"

"You know teens - they were drinking", she said.

"Sorry, I guess don't know", I apologized, "Why would 15-year-olds be at a party where drinks are served?"

"Most of the time, the parents are there and they supply the drinks, but sometimes, they make it a BYO - bring you own - and the kids bring their own drinks."

"Why would anyone do that?" I asked, pretty shocked, "What do you do for her parties?"

"I don't provide alcohol, but I allow them to bring their own" she said.

"But they are minors", I said.

"Well, if they bring their own, it's not my responsibility", she said.

Boy, did she get that wrong.

A while ago, when I ran a workshop on the Gold Coast, I met Belinda, who worked for the local government's drug and alcohol unit. She told me about new rules that had just come out, which put more responsibility on adults for underage substance abuse. When I came home after my conversation with Jill, I called Belinda and asked her about the regulations.

Belinda was happy to send me the new regulations and I was shocked to discover (again) that the law, which is meant to protect us and, in this case, our kids, is impotent.

The regulation states adults who supervise minors are held responsible, but if they serve soft drinks together with the alcohol, serve food and stay sober themselves, they cannot be charged. They can only be charged if something goes wrong.

What a stupid law! The responsibility is active only if something goes wrong.

I asked Belinda, "What protects my son at a party when his friend's parents serve kids alcohol and nothing goes wrong (no stupid things, no one goes to hospital or calls the police)? What part of the law makes sure he does not drink without my permission? What in the regulations tries to prevent peer pressure to drink?"

"Nothing", said Belinda, "Absolutely nothing!"

In a commercial setting, the penalties for selling alcohol without a license or to a minor are huge and every person who works at a pub or "licensed" restaurant must complete a course called "Responsible Service of Alcohol", in which they must learn all the relevant regulations. Getting a commercial alcohol license costs a fortune and is continually monitored by the government. Yet, there is no law against providing alcohol free of charge to minors or allowing minors under your supervision to drink.

WHAT?!

I protest!

I think the only thing that works to my advantage is the belief that no reasonable parent will take the risk that something wrong might happen under his supervision and the strong belief that I can teach my kids MY definition of responsibility, which is very different from "Don't get caught".

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Teen Drinking Party
• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence

If life was just smooth sailing, this would not be such a big problem, except life is bumpy sometimes and when tensions are high, things can get silly and weaken the parents' position of authority.

Even when things are pretty quiet, the ever-so-sensitive kids can detect notes of disagreement between their parents and immediately try to use them to their advantage (little buggers). Parents who are too preoccupied to notice end up facing the "But Mom/Dad said" and looking pretty stupid being caught unprepared.

It can get even worse when the kids get you started on something important for the first time and you get carried away and fight it out in front of the kids, all the while creating confusion, lack of trust and sometimes even fear. After all, if Mom and Dad do not agree, what am I (the kids) going to do? And if Mom and Dad feel this is so important to decide one way or the other, I (the kid) now have more pressure to make up my mind, but which way should I choose? Oh, and I hope Mom and Dad don't break up because of me…

So what do you do?

Well, just like every project, article or presentation, this has 3 parts: awareness, planning and troubleshooting.

Awareness

Both partners must acknowledge they are different. If you have not done so already, tell each other a little about yourselves, only this time, talk about your childhood, how your parents raised you and describe how you would like to live your life and raise your own kids.

Keep track of noticeable differences. Writing them down is best. Make a separate list of the things you both agree on.

Go over posts on this blog about communication styles and figure out what kinds of communication you prefer. Read the post about love languages and figure out the best ways you like to give and receive affection.

Compare notes and practice interacting with each other using your new knowledge of communication styles and love languages.

You are different. Get it?

And that is OK. You can both be right at the same time and still disagree. That is OK too. Get it?

Planning

Now that you know you are different, it is time to start planning your life ahead. If you have been married (living together) for some time (years?) already, that is OK. It is never too late to make positive changes in your life. Home harmony is a good thing.

Go over your list of different personal preferences and score each item as one of:

• Must - something you consider necessary and will fight for
• Must Not - something you consider wrong and will fight against
• Don't Care - something you will be OK with or without

Say you really (really) like to drink alcohol and your partner drinks from time to time. Drinking would then be a "Must" for you and a "Don’t Care" for your partner. No problem there. When in conflict, your partner will probably let you do what you like. Scratch this off the list of disagreements and write it on the agreements list.

Say your partner grew up hating to wash dishes (Must Not) and you do not mind it (Don't Care). No problem either. You can wash the dishes and he/she can have other responsibilities. Scratch this off the list too. Write it on the agreements list instead.

But what if you want to raise your joint kids with a total focus on independence, to the point where you will let them fail, as long as they stay safe, while your partner wants them only to experience the good side of life, even if it means doing things for them every day and managing every aspect of their routine so they never forget or get punished?

This one you should keep on the disagreement list.

When you have gone all the way down the list, possibly adding things that come to your mind along the way, you should now be left with a small number of things you disagree on and a large number of agreements.

Most things, if not all, are not matters of life and death and have both pros and cons. Dig deeper into your disagreements and consider them as personal preferences, realizing there is no such thing as an absolute rule that applies to everyone. Find out the reasons you are so passionate about each item.

If you find a way to bridge the gap and reach a parental consensus - great. If not, find a way to live with your disagreements - alternating, doing things separately or even presenting two comfortable alternatives to your kids, depending on the issue.

For example, my dad liked to smoke and my mom did not like it, so he smoked less and only outside the house. I really like to play African drums and Ronit can only take so much noise in one hit, so I play away from home, but the kids know we prefer different things. You can present not washing the dishes as "just the way we share the housework" (of course, you will be doing other chores) and occasionally wash some dishes in full view of the kids to demonstrate that this is only a (say it with me) personal preference.

Good, so now you have ways to deal with everything, right?

Nearly.

Troubleshooting

Nobody I know can tell everything about the future, not even the best professional fortune tellers. So even with the longest and most comprehensive list of parenting agreements, you will not be able to cover absolutely everything your kids might throw at you later. Never thought of MySpace or Facebook a few years ago, did you?

So what do you and your partner do when you hit the unexpected?

Well, now that you have your list, it is much easier to recognize what is not on it. This way, if your kid wants to open an account on the new cool kids' whatchamacallit and it is the first time you have every heard about it, stop!

In the most nonchalant way, ask the young person, "Have you asked Mom/Dad about this already?"

If they have not, consult your partner, get an agreement and then communicate to the youngster. Parents 1, kids nil. Life goes on as it should.

If they have, not so good (your partner should have consulted you first, right?). ask, "And what did Mom/Dad say?"

Guess what? There is only ever one answer to this one, because otherwise, your kid would already be logging into whatchamacallit.com!

Since your partner has already said no, your only option is to support him/her! No, it does not matter what you think. Not at this point. At this point, you give your partner full and unconditional support by saying, "Well, in that case, you can't".

Later on and in private, raise this with your partner. Start gently, because there may be a good reason for his/her on-the-spot decision, but make sure the expectation is for a parental forum discussion before new decisions are rendered. If you dispute the decision, you may be able to change it through a discussion, but the parent who issues the original decision should be the one telling the kids it has been changed.

Once again, present matters as personal preference, identify if there is a Must or a Must Not involved and if there are strong feelings on both sides, go deeper into the details and, worst case, agree to comfortably disagree.

This way, you and your partner can keep adding agreements to your list and handle previously-unknown situations well, while your kids grow to be confident, considerate and happy human beings.

Parenting rocks!
Gal

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Rules were meant to bring us some confidence in life. People without rules live life as if they have a very short memory span, let's say 10 minutes, so they cannot make sense of what has happened to them in the past and they cannot predict what might happen to them in the future. If you ask me, this is a scary place to be. Rules form a useful survival mechanism. We do not need to bang our heads against the wall over and over again in order to re-discover it hurts, right?

From external motivation to internal motivation

The problem with rules is that from an early age, they are external, coming mostly from our parents. Not every person shifts from external motivation to internal motivation and start following their own rules. From an early age, kids follow external rules that mom and dad create to help them survive in the "jungle of life". It is the only way kids can form rules, mainly because they do not have enough life experience to establish patterns and draw conclusions from past events to future plans. But as they grow older, we need to gradually help them shift to having internal rules that will guide them. As I say to all the parents in my parenting workshops, I cannot be next to my kids all their life and remind them of the rules. They need to learn to take care of themselves.

Rules are strong beliefs in the way things should be. If Mom and Dad's rule is "kids need to go to sleep at 8pm" and kids follow it because they fear their parents' reaction if they do not, they might try to "steal" time before going to bed. However, kids who adopt the rule and make it their own make things easy, because there is never a conflict around it.

I have two kids who are a wonderful example for this. My eldest, who is 20 years old now, has never adopted the rule of going to sleep on time so she can function well the following day. Even today, when she can go to sleep whenever she wants, she still struggles with her desire to stay awake as long as possible. My son, on the other hand, realized from an early stage that his sleep was essential to his performance the day after and because he did not want to miss a day of his life (because everything was so exciting and fascinating) he went to sleep without us saying anything. The rule of getting enough sleep has been his from the age of 5.

In personal development, we can find a correlation between having personal (internal) rules of living and being confident and focused. People who have rules that they follow are considered mature, confident, focused, determined and even spiritual, being at peace with themselves and the rest of the world. If you have rules defining your place in the universe and you have a clear understanding of how you follow these rules, you may be considered a religious person. I always say I am a very religious person in this sense. I have rules and I follow them religiously.

Think of the concept of being confident. When you talk to someone and you think this person is confident, what does this person do that makes you feel/think/believe he or she is confident?

More than likely, they conduct themselves as if they have clear rules of behavior, they know how the world operates and they have nothing to prove to others, because they measure themselves internally.

When you see someone who is very successful at something, you can trust they have clear rules about how they got to that stage. Most Lotto winners go broke again, because they have no rules to handle their new situation and many overnight stars go nuts or disappear. No one becomes truly successful by accident.

When you meet someone who is very creative, you can trust they have clear rules about what has made them so creative. No one becomes truly creative without dedication and without striving for it.

This is why if you want to be happy, successful, creative, friendly, wealthy or anything else you want to be, you need to spend time with people who already posses that quality and learn from them. You learn from them what is the formula, what are the rules of being like them.

If you want to develop yourself and reach a state of peace, find your rules. This will also give you some serious insights into your parenting and how to pass on some useful rules to your kids.

How to make your list of rules

Just like many other chapters of the Make a list series, this activity of finding 100 rules you follow has more than one step:

1. Find the rules you currently follow
2. Check if these rules bring you stability, confidence, certainty and peace or doubt, fear, anger and discomfort
3. Change the rules that are not good for you to empowering rules
4. Develop additional rules you would like to adopt in order to be even more confident, successful, relaxed and happy

Special instructions

1. Rules are not right or wrong, they just are
   Be honest with yourself and dig out everything. The only question you should ask yourself is whether they give you what you need or not.
2. Rules are strong beliefs you have
   They are so you may think they are "set in stone". Whenever you have a strong feeling about something, it usually means you have a rule about it, so write it down.
3. Many rules are external
   Ask yourself, "Is this my rule or was I given this rule without considering it?" You have the freedom to accept or reject any rule, no matter its origin.
4. Different stages of your life require different rules
   I have had rules for being single without kids and different rules for being married with kids. As long as your rules get you to where you want to go, changing them is a sign of development. Consider how applicable each rule is to your life now, because it may not serve you anymore. If it does not, change it to something that will.
5. Rules are not relevant to all circumstances
   Being very honest with your friends and family (or asking personal questions) can be considered rude in a more distant circle. Make your rules more specific if you need to.
6. 6. Adopting your new rules is like any other change
   At first, a new rule is just an idea that is supposed to benefit us somehow. If we experience it again and again, it becomes part of us and we do not need to make a conscious effort to live by it. Think about it as brushing your teeth. After experiencing it every morning and evening, you do not waste energy thinking about the proper way to do it every day. Repetition is the way to help you make your new rules part of your life.
7. The time-consuming work on your rules is done when you list them
   There is no need to re-discover your rules every time. Write them down, change them to suit your life and your new list will be there later for you. Look at it from time to time and fine tune it, but that will be easy.

Rules are limiting if they do not put order in your life and do not give you certainty and stability. Successful people are those who adopt good rules of success and stick to them. If you are looking for success in your life, in any area that is interesting for you, remember that your successful rules of living are the blueprint of that success.

Happy list making. I invite you to join me next week to make a list of "100 qualities of a good parent".

As you can see from the logo of this blog, one of my top rules of living is "Happy parents raise happy kids". I have been sharing my rules of living and parenting on hundreds of pages of this blog every day. If you think you have some rules of life that are successful and you would like to contribute, please write them in the comment box and share them with all the readers.

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a List: My Fears
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)

Routines are a good way to give kids a stable atmosphere and make them feel certain in their life. The massive change in routine is one of the reasons kids' world is so shaken and they tend to watch too much TV when their parents go through a relationship breakdown.

I think a good routine is a great parenting technique not only for overcoming the TV addiction but for many other habits you want to instill in your kids. An established routine encapsulates many of your rules and boundaries. If you are a regular reader in this site, you already know I believe that rules give kids a sense of certainty and define to them the safety limits in the world they live in. Therefore, a routine plays a big part in making your kids feel safe.

How to establish a routine

Kids who grow up with clear and consistent routines (not cruel, not hard, not too many, but clear and consistent) are generally easy to parent, because every time they feel bored or need to make a decision, are very clear about the "right" thing to do.

Here is a list of rules that can make life easy for kids and keep them off junk TV and offer them healthy alternatives:

1. Homework first
   This routine was and still is a very helpful way for me to make sure the kids are aware of their responsibilities. Watching TV is a privilege and they can start watching only when they have finished doing everything that is more important.
   As your kids grow, chores can be added to the list of things that must be completed before privilege time - putting dishes away, folding laundry, helping younger kids with tasks, weeding and so on.
2. Meals are social occasions
   When we eat, we do our best to eat together and have a conversation. Watching TV is a distraction, so we do not have a TV in the dining room.
   I find this rule very important. Every time I go to other people's houses and see how much they fight over this, it motivates me to keep this rule.
   At one of our family meetings, my kids complained I did not allow them to mix dinner and TV. They thought it would be OK to deviate from the routine from time to time, so we agreed that once a week, we would bring dinner to the living room and watch a recorded show together (Australian Idol or So You Think You Can Dance). I agreed to try this new arrangement, but while the older kids (then 17 and 11) were OK with one show a week, the younger (then 5), kept nagging to do it again every evening. She is now 8 years old, but if we watch something together during dinner, the following evening she still tries to convince us to do it again.
3. Getting dinner ready together
   This is a very good way to keep your kids with you and to keep them busy doing something valuable and bonding, instead of watching TV while Mom or Dad prepares dinner. At our house, this is the routine and it saves us parents from feeling like we are taken for granted and helps our kids do something much more valuable than watching TV.
4. Clearing the table and cleaning the kitchen together
   This is another routine that keep kids doing something productive and bonding instead of watching TV. You can rotate the different tasks to keep things fair, but "if you eat, you clear" until everything is back in order.
5. Getting ready for school before TV
   This routine can save you lots of trouble every morning. Brushing teeth, getting dressed and having breakfast (I am sure you know how big the list is) must be done before the TV can be turned on. Do you know how many parents fight with their kids in the morning to get to school on time? Do you know how many of those kids sit in front of the TV waiting for their parents to dress them, brush their hair, make their food and even feed them? The routine of getting ready is essential in any kids' responsibility development and even a 3-year-old can take some of this responsibility.
6. Sleep time
   If you stick to this, it will save you lots of arguments with kids. At our house, 8pm is the time to go to bed (most days, our kids get up at 6:30, because Tsoof has rehearsals around 7:15 and 3 times a week, they get home at 5pm). Therefore, every show beyond 8pm is out of the question and if there is something the kids really want to watch, we record it. No show in the world must be seen at the time it is on TV. If you raise kids within a strict sleep routine, they do not form a TV addiction, because they know they can always watch programs later. Sleep is more important than TV. Period.
7. Early Sundays
   Since Mondays are hard days for kids (and their parents) and because the weekend is always out-of-routine days, we finish everything by 4pm on Sundays and are back home to prepare for Monday. When we go on a trip, we make sure to get home around 4pm. When we are invited to friends' house, we leave on time. We even try to avoid inviting people for Sunday afternoons, because sometimes, people stay late and we cannot help our kids get ready for bed and school the next day. We also aim to get to bed early on Sundays. We may not go to bed early, but we have a relaxed time together and make sure the uniforms are ready, the bags are ready and even think about what to take for lunch to make the transition easier. Again, when there is a show on Sunday night the kids want to watch, we record it.

Join me next time to the next chapter of TV Diet - Healthy Alternatives - the best ways I have found to keep kids away from the TV by making life interesting and fun.

Happy routine setting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• TV Diet (17): More Healthy Alternatives
• TV Diet (8): How Much TV is Too Much?
• Teenage Problems

If you have not done it yet (maybe this is the first post you are reading), I encourage you go back to the beginning of Make a List and start making lists, because it is a very easy (and cheap) way to improve your life and develop without time pressure, without feeling exposed and without paying someone to help you change.

As a life coach, I teach my clients emotional intelligence and I find that "learning to feel" is helpful (and, unfortunately, very much needed) in personal development. Our slogan at Be Happy in LIFE is "Happiness is a choice" and we see our goal as coaches to teach people how to feel happy and how to choose happiness.

Some people tell me that teaching happiness is strange. They say, "It's a feeling. You either have it or you don't".

Well, in my opinion, this is not true.

The definition of a feeling is very different from one person to another, based on circumstances. Therefore, we can change the definition by changing our circumstances.

Feelings are formed in our mind like rules:

• I feel happy when…
• I feel frustrated when…

One of my teen clients (who is facing a really hard time at the moment) came this week and we looked at her rules for happiness. I asked her, "Joan, what makes you happy?"

She said, "I don't know".

"Tell me one thing that makes you happy whenever it happens", I tried again.

"Nothing", she said. I could not blame her. She was in such a dark, lonely sad place it was understandable. But I kept going.

"You told me you would rather go shopping than go to school. Does shopping make you happy?"

"Depends", Joan answered.

"Depends on what?"

"If I have enough money", she replied.

"OK, so if you have enough money, shopping makes you happy?" I became hopeful.

"No. If Mom or Dad comes with me, I don't like it", she said.

"OK, so when you have enough money and Mom and Dad aren't with you, shopping makes you happy?" I gave it another shot.

"No. There are some friends that I don't like to go shopping with", she said.

"OK, so when you have enough money, Mom and Dad and all those friends you don't like shopping with aren't with you, shopping makes you happy?"

"No. I need to be in the mood for shopping", she said.

"What sort of mood?" I asked.

"I need to be happy", she said.

Arrrggggghhhhh! I almost gave up, but I didn't.

Do you see what happened?

Joan needed to be happy in order to be happy. She had so many conditions and restrictions on her happiness, even for a simple thing like shopping, her definition of "happiness from shopping" guarantees she hardly ever feel happy while she is shopping.

How to list 100 feelings

The work on the 100 feeling list is divided into 3 parts:

1. List your feelings
2. Uncover your rules
3. Create better rules

The first stage is to go over your day and write down feelings you have had. When you are done, go over the last week, the last month and so on, until you have 100 feelings. To my clients who feel particularly bad, I suggest doing this every day for a month. So if remembering is tough, spend 5 minutes at the end of every day and write down your feelings.

If you cannot come up with 100 feelings, have a look below for ideas or search the Internet for "list of feelings" and choose feelings that mean something to you.

The second part of the activity is to go through every feeling and find the rules of those feeling. The formula is "I feel (some feeling) when…"

Here are some examples:

1. I feel happy when…
2. I feel sad when…
3. I feel successful when…
4. I feel failure when…
5. I feel knowledgeable when…
6. I feel special when…
7. I feel great when…
8. I feel frustrated when…
9. I have fun when…
10. I feel like a loser when…
11. I feel appreciated when…
12. I feel insulted when…
13. I feel angry when…
14. I feel lonely when…
15. I feel fresh when…
16. I feel able when…
17. I feel worried when…
18. I feel courageous when…
19. I feel poor when…
20. I feel bored when…
21. I feel like spending money when…
22. I feel anxious when…
23. I feel optimistic when…
24. I feel strong when…
25. I feel guilty when…
26. I feel energetic when…
27. I feel connected when…
28. I feel friendly when…
29. I feel rejected when…
30. I feel interested when…
31. I feel victory when…
32. I feel tired when…
33. I feel motivated when…
34. I feel afraid when…
35. I feel miserable when…
36. I feel inspired when…
37. I feel scared when…
38. I feel adventurous when…
39. I feel calm when…
40. I feel independent when…
41. I feel weak when…
42. I feel smart when…
43. I feel inferior when…
44. I feel decisive when…
45. I feel confused when…
46. I feel excited when…
47. I feel jealous when…
48. I feel defensive when…
49. I feel hopeless when…
50. I feel cheerful when…

In the list above, each starter appears only once for each feeling, but you probably have more than one ending for it, so add all your endings.

For every feeling, write 5 statements. Be honest and spell out your restrictions on getting each good feeling and the easy ways in which you feel each bad feeling.

Here are some of my examples:

• I feel successful when I write an article
• I feel successful when I coach people
• I feel successful when my kids succeed
• I feel successful when we have dinner and we have fun and joke and sing songs, because I have helped make it so wonderful
• I feel successful when a new leaf comes out on one of my plants. I think it is a miracle and I have helped it happen by caring for the plant

You should end up with 500 statements.

Now, look at your rules and decide whether it is tough for you to feel the happy feelings, like it is for Joan, or they are fairly easy to feel. How easy was it to even find those rules? Also, note how easy it might be for you to feel bad.

The third part is to change your rules to make it very easy for you to feel good and very hard to feel bad.

If this is a not happy feeling, like hurt, guilty, sad, poor, angry or frustrated, make rules that are hard to follow, like "I will feel poor only when I'm homeless". Then, see if you can eliminate any of your rules completely, because you realize you do not want to be unhappy in those situations anymore.

If this is a happy feeling, like love, happy, successful, understanding or friendly, make the rules easy to follow, like "I feel happy every time I think of Gal" (I actually do). Then, add as many other easy rules for your happy feelings, like "I feel happy every time I smile" and "I feel happy whenever I hug someone". Use frequent situations and situations you can initiate yourself to feel happy whenever you want.

Aim to feel successful and happy every day, all day!

Join me next week for 100 things I would do if I could live forever and let's examine all the options we may have if we had all the time in the world.

Be happy in life!
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a list (32): Fears
• Make a list: Things that Make Me Happy

In fact, because kids do not doubt what their parents say, I would like to encourage all the parents reading this post to take advantage of this phenomenon and plant good thoughts and beliefs in your kids' little minds. So if you are a parent and you want to learn how to plant good thoughts in your children's mind, buckle up and enjoy the ride.

6 things kids never argue with

1. "That's the law" - The younger kids are, the less they understand what "law" means, but they perceive it as an external, uncontrollable source of power. I do not know any kid in the world who goes to check the law to find out if it is true that kids cannot sit in the front seat. When I tell my kids to buckle up because it is the law, it leaves no room for argument (of course, I need to buckle up because it is the law too). Explaining the real reason to use a seat belt may be beyond their ability to understand, so I try once or twice, but when I cannot convince them, I say "That's the law". It is just like saying "No room for bargaining".
   A word of caution: Do not make it look like you are a victim of some silly law, because that will damage your image. I try as much as I can to support the law by explaining why it is a good law and if we happen to talk about a law I disagree with, I explain the origin of the law and say it is a shame it is not updated, but its origin was the benefit of society.
2. Another version of "the law" is "It's not allowed". It is funny, but when you say something is not allowed, kids never ask "Says who?" (although maybe they should). Again, this redirects the tension away from you towards other sources. In the library, it is not allowed to run around and talk loudly. On the bus, it is not allowed to put your hands outside the window. At home, you can say "It is not allowed to swear in this house", "This food is not allowed in our house" or "Nobody is allowed to watch this kind of movies in our house". Although I am the reason for this, when the tension is high, when I say "it is not allowed", kids do not argue.A word of caution: You can only use this trick on young kids. A teenager will not be impressed with it at all. Permissions are at the heart of conflicts between parents and teens and they will sniff you out in a flash.
3. Yet another version is "We have a rule". Kids (and too many grownups) do not argue with "rules". You can say "We have a rule in our house that we kiss before bedtime" or "We have a rule in our house that we talk nicely to each other". I use the "I have a rule" even in my interaction with other people. When I am invited to a meeting during dinnertime, I always say, "I have a rule of eating with my family" and people do not argue.A word of advice: The "rule" technique requires some thinking and deciding about your philosophy and the rules and boundaries you would like to set for your kids. It is a good idea to discuss what is important to you together with your partner and agree on the "rules". This technique works on kids of all ages. The more you state your "rules", the more your kids will believe them.
4. "It's not for sale" is another good trick. Young kids want to buy everything they see and it can be very hard for parents to say "No" over and over again. This trick works best with kids under the age of 6 and probably not for everything, but when you go shopping and your kids want to buy half of what they see, say "It's only a decoration. It's not for sale". Sometimes it works.
5. When you go to the supermarket and the "It's not for sale" does not work, because buying is the only thing you can do at a supermarket, you can say "it's not on the list". Smart kids may eventually add their items to the shopping list for next time, but "for some reason" they usually forget they just "had to have that thing" the second you get out of the supermarket.
6. "The doctor said" also works well with young kids. Some people are sources of authority for your kids. When you find who they are, you can say things on their behalf, like "The dentist said you need to brush your teeth twice a day". My youngest daughter likes to use regular tooth brush, but I prefer that she use a motorized brush, because it cleans better, so I say "The doctor said you should use your electric tooth brush" (which he did!). When my kids need some extra motivation, I say "Your teacher said you are a great helper and you need to work on your handwriting" or "The music teacher said you need to practice every day" (I do not need to say it often, because my kids love to practice, lucky me!). You can use this technique after coming from a meeting with teachers, doctors, coaches and so on.

Remember, kids believe everything you say. Watch your words and use the ones you think they will not argue with. If you feel like you are manipulating your own kids, welcome to the parenting business!

Ronit

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• Family Policy
• How to Handle Pressure
• Stubborn Kids