Here are the last 5 typical teenager thoughts and tips to prevent or eliminate them.

I prefer to be alone

"Thank God they are going away this weekend. I can have the house to myself. I can watch TV as much as I like, play the computer as much as I like and eat whatever I want. Freedom at last!"

What parents can do

When kids reach the teen years, they loves to be on their own sometimes and it is normal and healthy for them to be on their own. Even bringing a babysitter to stay with them (to take care of the other kids, of course) can give them that sense of freedom and it is not a sign of your good or bad parenting.

Having an evening when they can do something different is very attractive to teenagers and as a parent, you need to provide them with opportunities for such time. I remember myself at the age of 15 having the time of my life when my parents were away for the weekend. I did all the same things I did when they were there, but it felt better. On evenings when they went out, we played hide and seek in the dark and I still have wonderful memories of those special days.

When kids are young, have an evening a week away from home. Go to the movies or meet friends, just leave the house and let them know they have the house for themselves so they can plan what to do. Our kids order pizza some evenings or make their own dinner, they walk to the local shops to bring a movie, they play on the computer a bit longer and listen to music in full volume. They bake or go to have dinner outside and they have a wonderful bonding time together.

It is OK if they do not join all your weekend activities and you will find that your time away is a very happy occasion for your teens. It is not losing power but giving and gaining respect. Remember to set the rules about bedtime or having friends over (we do not allow our kids to invite friends over when we are not home for safety reasons, because if there is a child in our house, we are responsible for them in the eyes of the law and we obviously cannot be responsible if we are not there).

I'm better than my parents

"I'm much smarter than my dad. He was not that smart when he was my age. That's a shame. He no longer can help me."

What parents can do

This is life. Kids today are smarter than their parents were and it is better not to fight it and try to show them you are smarter. However, although you may not be smarter, you are wiser, so it is not true you cannot help them. Your love, your experience, your years of practice and your caring are the greatest ways anyone can help and you will be able to give them for a long time.

Stop pretending to be "all knowing". You are not! When your teens ask you something and you do not know the answer, say, "I don’t know the answer for this, but I'll help you find it". My kids are very musical and all play musical instruments. I do not know how to read music (I once asked them to teach me to play a piano piece - you can see my first piano concert). Since they were young (for Tsoof, since he was 5 years old), they cannot ask my help with their music, but I consider myself a wonderful helper with their musical adventures. I sit with them, listen when they play, enjoy it, praise them, take them to and from rehearsals and private lessons. You do not have to play music to help your kids with music and you do not have to know math to help them with their math homework.

If a child needs help, learn to admit that you do not know, but always be willing to help them find the answer or the solution. Being there for them is the smartest thing you can do.

Time to leave

"I don't think like them anymore. I don't agree with anything they say. Maybe it's the end of our relationship. We can't live in the same house when they say one thing and I say the opposite. That's no way to live together. Maybe it's time for me to leave."

What parents can do

Thinking differently is no reason to leave, but when teens reach a point when there are too many conflicts, they may do anything to avoid them. Many parents instill this thought in kids'/teens' mind in two ways.

• When they divorce or separate, they give the child the message that there is a point in time when there are too many arguments and it is better to say goodbye. There is no way around it. Every separation, even if it is done in the best way possible, will plant the seed of "Too hard means no love and goodbye" (most of the time, it is "badbye").
• When parents use their position to control the child and send them conditional messages, like "To get my love and appreciation, you need to be successful at school/smart/sporty/do what I tell you/agree with me/obey my instructions, etc", then the kids think that agreement = love and therefore disagreement means there is no love.

Many adults are still in this position, trying to please their own parents to get over this feeling. So, this belief is very heavy to carry and teens carry it to adulthood. Try to make sure your relationships are not full of conditions. A rule of thumb: if you talk too much about discipline, you are parenting with conditions.

I look horrible

"My skin is not the same as it was before. I looked in the mirror for hours and I don't know what to do. Kids make fun of my freckles/pimples. I wish I could find a way to hide it."

What parents can do

No teenager's skin is ever the same as they were during childhood, so this is a very natural feeling and it is not easy to cope with, especially during the teenage years, when so much stuff happens at once.

Be there for your teens when they experience physical changes during their teen years and share with them your own experience to help them understand this is only temporary. Teens think that the way they look may be the end of the world. Realizing their parents have gone through the same thing can help them relax about it.

Never undermine a child who feels bad about their skin and appearance. Help them find solutions. Eating healthy food is a wonderful solution and making sure the house is free from food that damages the skin (white flour products, sweets, sugary drinks and junk food) will be highly appreciated by teens.

Never make fun of your children and do your best to help your kids find the right food and supplements to help with their skin problems. It can help a lot and teens may not be able to buy it for themselves.

What are they hiding?

"Every time I ask them about their childhood, they avoid answering. I think they are hiding things from me. If they hide things from me, I will hide things from them."

What parents can do

Teens are very sensitive to those around them. 40% of them are kinesthetic in their communication style, so they are even more sensitive than others. Hiding things from them jeopardizes the trust you are trying to build with them. When they ask questions about your childhood, they are trying to form their identity by learning about you, your desires, faults, talents, experiences, knowledge, strategies, values and fears. The more related your stories are to the way they feel, the more they will be open to sharing theirs with you.

When teens get the feeling you might be hiding something from them, their mind goes into full-speed search for what horrible secrets you are keeping from them. I agree that it is not suitable to tell your kids everything that goes on in your mind, but be open and share stories about your childhood in a way that is appropriate for the developmental stage of the child.

Lying is not recommended either, because by the teen years, your kids know you well enough to tell when you are lying. Sharing both beautiful and ugly stories from your childhood can be a wonderful lesson in values and learning.

Last year, I had a talk with my son Tsoof, who was 15 years old then, about success at school. I had talked for years about my own bad school experiences, but they had not sunk in, because he was shocked when I told him I had been kicked out of school at the end of 10^th Grade (not to worry, I went straight back in and got a scholarship for excellence the year after).

Hiding something from kids is very heavy. Sometimes, it makes it harder to cope. If you want them to share things with you, share your things with them and if they share with you something you are not happy about, make sure you still express your appreciation for the trust and the honesty. Remember, it is better if they come and tell you when something is wrong than if they do not. Be a role model.

I hope this series has given you some insight into teens' mind. Many parents want to know what happens there and I believe that most teenagers hold some combination of the above thoughts.

If your teens blame you for all their troubles in life, remember to say that no matter how much grief they give you, you would not replace them for the world and that your love to them does not change even if they do things you are not happy with.

Another thing you can do is to sit down in a quiet place, take a deep breath, relax and remember how your life was during your teenage years.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

As in previous chapters, here are 5 things teens think and feel that scare them and make them act weird, and what you can do about them. I hope it will help you find alternative ways to address the issues and prevent them from keeping those thoughts any longer.

My parents are cruel and weak

"I think my parents are cruel. They hate me. They scream, shout and always tell me I'm wrong. They brought me into the world to torture me. They are weak. How can I trust them when I need help if they are so weak?"

What parents can do

When children are upset, they may think that you are behaving the way you do with the ultimate purpose of hurting them. Many parents mistake discipline for power when in fact, abusing your power and yelling, shouting or telling kids they are wrong are signs of weakness and may cause your children, especially teenagers, not to trust you to support them when they need help. This is because using pressure and force is all about you, not them.

The best way to prevent this is to start very early and examine the use of your power. If you control the family's money and use it to threaten your children or bribe them, you are likely to be perceived as cruel. If you control many aspects of your kids' life and use that control to force them to do things they do not want do, your actions, although you may have all the justification for them, will not translate into motivation but into resentment and anger.

Having clear rules and having responsibility as a parent does not give you the right to force your kids. When a teacher shouts and yells in class, the kids are convinced the teacher is weak and easy to set off. The smart kids will trigger this in an instant by "stepping" on the teacher's emotional "toes". Teenagers are the smartest kids in the house, so when they find out their parents are not all that powerful, they trigger your fear and frustration in no time.

Confident parents do not fall into this trap. They are artists of motivation and do everything to trigger internal motivation in their kids. When they become teenagers, they will have the good sense to do the right things for themselves. It does not mean these parents have no conflicts with their teens, but they treat their kids with respect during conflicts and everybody wins.

Do not threat, do not bribe, do not set conditions, like "I will give you this if you succeed at school". Do not shout and yell. Find your core of strength, stay calm and show respect to keep your teens free from anxiety and confident they can trust you.

Leave me alone!

"I need privacy. I don't want anyone getting into my room. I need a locker on my things. I hate the idea of my brother or my parents searching my things. I wish I had a place of my own."

What parents can do

During the teen years, when the body changes so much, children require more privacy not only to explore their sexuality but also to have the time to think without disruption and to separate themselves from their family. This separation is very healthy and important. It does not mean they will leave home tomorrow, but they are practicing being on their own, while the family is still around.

For teens never to think like that, their family must have some privacy rules and they must be taught very early, so that by the time children reach adolescence, they can be certain no one will look at their personal things or enter their room when it is inappropriate.

If a child expresses a need for a private room, try to arrange a private room. It is not always possible, but even a balcony with a divider is better than nothing. Gal's parents arranged a room for Gal's sister when she was 15 years old in the laundry room. She was the happiest teenage girl ever.

I wanted to have my own room all my life. At the age of 16, when my sister left home, I finally had my private room. My younger sisters and I were in such a great relationship at that stage, I stayed with them in their room, which was bigger, until late at night and we did not want to go to sleep so we would not have to say goodbye to each other for the night. I was hardly ever in my own room.

Therefore, it is best to listen to your kids and not assume that they need a private room. Gal and I wanted a private room for each of our children, but they find any excuse they can to "sleep over" in each other's rooms. Tsoof and Noff share a room and feel lonely going to sleep without the other one.

Some parents do not like the idea of locking for safety reasons. Regardless, teach your kids to knock and wait for permission to enter and be a role model. Never enter your kids' (especially teenagers') room without knocking and waiting for permission.

Also, do not go through their things and be very strict about all your children's private things. When one child touches the other one's private thing, be very clear that "we do not touch other people's private things". Again, this is about respect and trust.

You're not the boss of me!

"They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me when to go to sleep or when to come back from a party. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. What do they know about being a teenager today anyway?"

What parents can do

Parents are in charge of the family, but they can be bosses or leaders. The difference for teens is that bosses give orders and do not care about their employees' thoughts and feelings, while leaders set an example and take into consideration everyone's internal motivations and wellbeing. A boss is afraid employees' might find he is not all knowing and a leader knows he is not all knowing and asks his employees' opinions, feelings and support.

Parent from strength and not from weakness. When you are using force, you are weak. Set rules, but be flexible with rules and not too strict about them. When you are unreasonably strict, it is a sign that you are afraid of losing your power if your kids do not follow your rules 100%. It is OK to come late from time to time. You come late from time to time and you survive your own little slip-ups.

Make sure you ask your teens for their opinion, thoughts and feelings. Respect them and tell them you were once a teenager too and you accept that times have changed, because they have, and what was acceptable 25-35 years ago is not acceptable today and vice versa.

Allow your children to have their own feelings and thoughts, They are not extensions of you. If you want them to be little copies of you, it is a sign you are looking to reinforce yourself. Your kids should grow up to be better than you are. Duplicating you will only keep them behind their generation.

My money, my life

"I want to have my own money and to buy my own things. I hate it when my parents tell me what to buy. It's my right to choose my own clothes, make-up and stuff. They're so old they just don't understand anything about fashion."

What parents can do

"Money and teens" is a big issue. While a 9-year-old will manage if you have financial issues, teens find it harder to be seen in public during their parents' financial struggles. Many parents believe that the solution to all their struggles is having lots of money and giving their kids everything they want, but I do not agree with this.

I have always had enough money, but I did not give my kids everything they wanted. I grew up in a house that did not have a lot of money. In fact, I grew up in a very poor family and I do not think I understood what my parents had to go through in order to provide for us. Kids should know! It may not be appropriate to tell them all the details of your financial struggles, but being open and honest about it can help greatly in changing their beliefs about money and about you.

Being dependent on parents for money is not fun. Admit it! It was not fun when you had to ask your parents for money. I do not think this can be avoided completely, but there are ways of giving kids (especially teens) some freedom with money.

I used pocket money as soon as my kids could count (about 3 years old) and the rule in our family is that parents buy the things we need - clothes, school uniforms, shoes, food and groceries - and our kids can do whatever they want with their pocket money. Kids must learn to spend money and they can only do it when they are free to make mistakes. If they use all their money at once on something, they learn the hard way that money does not grow on trees.

Having the money does not give you the right to determine what they will wear. Yes, there are limits, but you are not likely to share their taste and their fashion sense, no matter how much money you have. You can say how much money you are willing to give, you can insist on going shopping with them, you can insist on not buying torn or low-quality clothes, but do not get into fashion arguments. You are about 30 years behind the current teen fashion, so let go! If you insist, they will wear whatever they want as soon as they leave home anyway. Any control you may have now is only temporary, so do not use your money to control them.

Help your teenagers get a part-time job regardless of how wealthy or poor you are and teach them money management. Guide your teenagers gently through making purchasing decisions. Teach, but do not preach!

Everybody has one

"I must have that pair of sneakers/smartphone/game console or I will have no friends and everyone will laugh at me and treat me like an outsider. I can't show my face at a party with this old piece of mobile phone junk. Everyone has Internet connections and unlimited calls and text. Why do I have to be different?"

What parents can do

Being accepted and being cool are the most important things for teenagers. They are just as important for parents of teenagers or they would not get new cars, bigger houses and more impressive job titles. Wanting to be accepted is a high need and it hits its peak during adolescence. If you think it must be painful, you are wrong! There is a great way to make sure your kids never think this way and when it comes up in arguments, there is a great way to reply to it.

Teach your kids that they are special without gadgets. Help them define their identity and keep telling them "Be special. Be yourself". Being unique and independent is a blessing, while continually measuring themselves against others robs them of their freedom.

Noff has no mobile phone, Tsoof does not have a smartphone and my kids do not have never a game console or any other trendy gadget, mainly because they do not need them. When there is a need, we examine it and buy what is suitable and not what is best advertised. We teach our kids that status symbols are a way to pressure us into doing things we would not do otherwise and that many of those things waste our time and our mind.

The latest sneakers are not a need. Basic healthy food is a need. Sleep is a need. Drinking water is a need. Shelter is a need. Clean clothes are a need. Human company is a need. Do not let your teens use the word "need" inappropriately. Teach your kids to focus on what they have and not on what they lack. In fact, you should start when they are 5 years old.

If we do get into an argument and my kids say, "Why do I have to be different?" I answer, "You are different no matter how many gadgets you have. You have lived in different places around the world, you are talented, your mom and dad are still together, you speak two languages, you love your siblings, you are smart, you are friendly, you are sensitive, you love to learn, you are successful - you are different. We have spent a lot of energy to make you different and that's the way we like it". I think they understand.

It may also help to take an honest look at your own buying habits and consider the example you are setting. Actions speak louder than words, especially with teenagers.

Join me next week for the 5 last thoughts teenagers have that make their life hard and create lots of conflicts with their parents, along with what you can do to prevent them from thinking that way and how to eliminate those thoughts if they come up.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

In the past, people thought that teens' behavior during the teenage years was directly connected to physical changes they start to experience at the age of 12, which makes them feel strange with their body changes and confuses them.

Today, the approach is that adolescence is a more gradual process that starts with the first time children want to try doing things on their own, sometime as early as the age of 3.

If teenagers seem confused to you, it is mainly because they have reached a point in their life when they need to define who they are, what they think, what they like or hate, what their beliefs are and what they wants to be later on in life. These thoughts are tough. I know many adults who have not reached that self-definition yet, so this is not easy for a 12-year-old to do, although they are expected to have some clue about it.

One of the problems parents have with their kids is that they do not really understand what is so confusing about life. It is mainly because they forgot their thoughts and feelings during that time in their own life. Some parents have erased these thoughts when they no longer had to deal with them. Some consider their own teen behavior as criticism towards their parents and avoid dealing with it. Only the brave parents keep these memories to make sure they will not repeat their parents' "mistakes".

Around the age of 10, beliefs that were part of children's identity are shattered and they need to put the pieces together to survive emotionally. Kids with high emotional intelligence can do that, but most cannot, so they have to ask for help from those who unintentionally create the problem - their parents or their teachers.

This series will give you a sneak peek into teens' confused brain and help you understand why it is so hard do be a teenager. I still remember my adolescence, I am raising my second teen, the third one is reaching puberty soon and I have worked with lots of teenagers in the last 25 years, so this list is quite reliable.

Following each belief and confusing thought, there is a section explaining the source of the belief and showing what parents can do to help their teenagers change that thought or belief and go through a healthy maturing process.

Schools is not for me

"I have realized that I go to school because my parents want me to go there to prepare me for life. But it is not preparing me for life. Who needs to know the square root of a number by heart? Who needs to find an angle in a triangle? School is a prison and my parents just send me to prison ever day. I can't trust them to make decisions that are good for me."

What parents can do

It is very important throughout your kids' school life not to repeat this mantra to children and to be honest about the reasons they go to school. Kids go to school because parents cannot teach them by themselves or do not want to do it.

Some of what happens at school is great, some is boring and some is not about preparing kids for life. When talking to your child about it, admit that you understand some of it is just a waste of time and help your kids focus on the good that can still come out of going to school.

All my kids have always gone to school for the breaks, for the fun days and for the extracurricular activities (band, dance, sport, etc). Still, they are all very good students. When they complained about school, we said, "You're right, this is a waste of time", "Yeah, I used to hate it too" or "I agree, you will probably never need that after school".

Allow your teens to hate parts of their schooling and they will not blame you for sending them to prison. Help them see the good parts of school too. Positive focus and honesty are two of the best ways to prepare them for life.

Don't tell me what to do

"My parents humiliate me and make me do things I hate doing. How would they feel if I told them to go to bed early or clean the house? I'm not their slave. What if someone grounded them for a week every time they didn't do the right thing? They don't love me. I hate them."

What parents can do

A teenager thinking like this is being controlled by his parents. There is usually a good reason for them to think like that, so check your parenting style. Are you parenting from fear of losing control or are you parenting with confidence?

Teenagers who feel controlled by their parents do not understand that parents and children are not equal and that parenting comes with responsibility. Usually, this is a sign that the home is parent-centered and that is not comfortable for the child. Although no home should be completely child-centered, there is a place in between where parents set a good example for helping and they expect things from their kids that they also expect from themselves.

If you are angry with your child for not clearing the table after a meal while you are in another room watching TV, the child will resent you and question your leadership. Be a role model and remember that the need for control is seen by teenagers as a sign of weakness (which is an accurate observation).

I hate my brother/sister

"My big sister is my greatest enemy. She has way more rights than me. She shouts, she take things away from me, she hits me and because she is stronger, she cheats, but Mom and Dad do nothing about it. They love her more than they love me. I hate her and I hate them."

What parents can do

A home cannot be a jungle where kids need to survive. It needs to be a place of comfort and not a place of fear. When there are conflicts between siblings, parents are not kings and queens that rule the house. They are those who make justice.

Sibling rivalry is a sign that the family rules are not clear, which leaves room for power struggles.

Preferring one child over another because of age ("He's young, give him what he wants" or "He's the eldest, so he has rights"), because of ability ("Shhh, we want to hear her sing"), because of disability ("He can't do it, just help him") or because of gender ("He's a boy, so he can go out and nothing will happen to him, but you're a girl, so going to a party is much more dangerous for you") is a form of discrimination. It sends the message that the rules are not stable - they can change.

This is scary situation, because not everyone understands what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries are. Only the parents can solve it, so make sure the rules are fair and clear!

Will she like me too?

"Suddenly, when I stand next to a girl, I feel different. I blush and my heart starts beating fast. I think I sweat too much around girls. I think I like her, but I can't say anything to anyone. What if she doesn't like me in return? My friends will make fun of me. I'm afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I'm also afraid someone else might ask her and she'll say 'yes'. It'll be devastating if it happens."

What parents can do

Teaching kids about the natural physical and emotional changes can help greatly in situations like this. Treating this period in life as a normal and healthy period can make life much easier for teenagers.

Ask your daughter when she wants to go together to get her first bra before she asks for it. Tell her about what to expect when she gets her period before she comes to you in panic after hearing the other girls talk. Teach your son how to shave. Celebrate hair in new places and changes in the voice.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about these things, get someone else you trust to do it. It is better if they hear it from you or from someone you trust than from other kids who have lots of fear and misunderstanding about these changes. Remember, when you avoid talking about puberty and sexual development, you make your teens think there is something wrong or dirty about it.

Talk to your teenagers about your first love to help them understand it is natural. Talk to them about disappointment and love you did not get in return to help them understand that the adults in their life have experienced these things and survived.

The topic of peer pressure is something that needs to be addressed from a very early stage of your child's schooling. What others think about you is theirs and it is not healthy to let them pressure you to do or not do things. It is important for kids to gain confidence and trust themselves and their own judgment and every time they are subject to peer pressure, they shrink their own judgment and become weaker.

Parents don't know everything

"I think dad is not as smart as he says he is. Last week, when I talked to him about something, he talked as if he knew everything, but I knew he didn't, because we'd learned about it at school. Maybe there are many things he doesn't know and he only talks about them in this "I'm smart and I know everything" tone. How can I trust him?"

What parents can do

Some parents talk in a way that seems very confident to their kids, as if they know everything. Parents like to be in this position and when it changes, they feel a bit helpless and try to maintain their know-it-all image for fear that kids' knowing more than them creates a risky relationship.

It is very natural for kids growing up in this generation to get to a stage when they know more than their parents do. All my kids have had musical training and I have had none. There is no point pretending I know as much as they do after 8-10 years of learning and practicing. My kids grew up in an English-speaking environment and English is a native language to them. Sometimes, when I look for a word, I ask them. It is better to admit they know more when they do. It does not reduce or weaken me in any way. It only helps them consider me as human and trust me, which makes their teen years easier.

To prevent your teens from feeling they cannot trust you, be honest even when they are younger. If they ask you something you do not know, say simply, "I don't know". If there is anything they can do better then you, ask for their help. It is better for them to realize there are things you do not know from as early as possible. It saves them this very common shock later and strengthens your bond with them.

Join me next week for another sneak peek into teens' mindset and ways for you to understand and help them change their thoughts in a positive way.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

That reminded me of the time when we lived in Texas and I wanted to register for a software engineering course at the local university (I was naive enough to think I could do a Master's degree while working and having a family. Yeah, right). The course I wanted was popular and all the places were taken, so I rang during my lunch break to ask to be put on the waiting list.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come in person and fill out the waiting list form", the administrator told me.

"Can you please just take my details and put me on the list?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but it's university policy", she said.

"What's so special about this form? All you really need is my name and the course number. What's the big deal?"

"Sir, I don't make the rules, I'm just telling you what you're gonna have to do. It's university policy that waiting list registrations are done in person to avoid falsification", she explained.

"You're telling me somebody else might come and register me for a waiting list without my consent and that's such a big problem for the university that I have to give up my lunch break, drive for half an hour, God knows where I can park, fill out a form for just under 2 seconds, then drive back for half an hour? Is that what you're saying?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but that's the university policy", she said. Again.

"What's your name?" I tried a different way.

"Felicity".

"Oh, nice name, Felicity [from the Latin word for 'happiness']. Can you put yourself in my shoes for a sec and tell me how you would feel about all this? Would you want to drive for an hour to fill out a form for 2 seconds?"

"If that was university policy and I had no choice? Yes, I would".

Checkmate.

Boy, was I pissed off at this. I was spewing for weeks afterwards. It may have even contributed to my later stomach ulcer. Or not.

Over the years that followed, more and more companies structured their operations in such a way that clients could not get their way. Not easily, anyway. When I rang Customer Service ("service" is such a misnomer in this context), I would bump into First Line staff who were basically trained parrots. They had a script for every question the company could think of. When I asked a question they did not have on the list, they just picked the closest script and said that.

The term "company policy" rang in my ears more and more often. It was infuriating.

But at some point, Ronit and I learned how to use the same trick to our advantage as parents. Oh, sweet revenge!

Eden would just not go to bed until we did. No matter what we did, she pulled remarkable stunts to stay awake and be with us. We were desperate for some "us time" and for the feeling that we were in control of our family.

We had a couple of sessions with a family therapist and he told us we should just blame the clock.

"What?!"

"Yes, blame the clock. Just point to the clock and tell Eden that, as she can see for herself, it is time for bed. No matter what she says, just keep telling her 'Now it is time for you to go to bed'. Don't argue and don't raise your voice. Just keep pointing to the clock and telling her it's time for bed".

"Eden's too clever for this. She'll argue with us", we said (OK, I said).

"Yes, but you won't. You'll just say, 'Eden, it's time to go to bed', and then she will", he said calmly.

After 6 long years of torture every night and 2 days of referring to the new "family policy", Eden went to bed at 8pm (as opposed to 11pm or whenever we crashed). There was nothing she could do to break us. We were armed with a powerful new weapon of conflict destruction and we were going to use it against any child tyranny.

After that, we became very creative with our use of "family policy" or "family rules". When we wanted our kids to try new food, we would say, "The rule in our family is that we try everything at least once. If you don't like it after you've tried, that's OK, but everybody has to try once. No exception".

When we wanted our kids to get enough sleep, we would say, "You're 10 years old and 10-year-olds need at least 10 hours of sleep at night. Since you need to get up at 7am, you have to be in bed by 9pm. That's the rule". And off to bed the kids went, much to our amazement at first, but we are really used to it by now.

When we wanted out kids to do well at school, we would say, "In our family, schoolwork comes before games, friends, computers and TV. The rule is 'finish your homework first and then you can do whatever you want'. It's the same rule for everyone, including you". And that is how it worked. No conflict. No dramas. Because you cannot argue with the rules.

Here are some more useful examples:

• In our family, siblings love, respect and help each other
• The rule is that everyone helps clear the table after dinner. We all stay together until everything is finished
• We do not watch TV when we eat. That's the rule
• Toys have to go back into the box before we can take out new ones. That's how it works in this house

As I was eavesdropping on the parenting workshop, Ronit was listing these and other examples of "family rules" to the participants. Ronit said, "Kids never argue with the rules. They never think of telling you they're your rules and you can change them. They feel safe when they know the rules and they stop fighting".

I could see their puzzled reactions, which are so typical to those who have never tried this method.

I quietly giggled to myself, remembering how we had used each of the rules Ronit mentioned, at how innocent kids can be and how easy it is to get them to do "the right thing" and feel good about it. It's awesome.

Please try this at home. It does not take a professional (although if you work in Customer Service somewhere, you are a professional already...).

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Anger Management: Be Prepared
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times

So this is the message from Julia, describing her sleep problem with her daughter. When she sent me the question, it was easier for me to give her a call and answer her question, but I wanted to share it with you too, just in case you are having similar challenges.

Hi Julia,

When we were just a young couple with a baby, we wanted to spend every second with Eden. As soon as Gal came home from work, we wanted to be together with her all the time, talk to her, sing songs, play with her and listen to every smart thing she did (and she did a lot).

One day, when she was 11 months old, we realized Eden had taken over our life and we had no time to be together, because our dear daughter went to sleep only when we did. So we decided that was it! She needed to go to sleep at 8pm so we could have a bit of time for ourselves.

But that did not work very well. Eden cried and cried. As she was a very smart girl, she started talking to us from her room and the guilt feelings ran wild.

For a long time, we tried everything we could think of. I will list the things we tried just to give you some idea, but nothing really worked for us. I read every book about sleeping problems, but in fact, Eden did not have any sleeping problems, because as soon as she finally put her head down and stopped moving, she fell asleep and slept right through the night until morning.

You see, I was the luckiest mother on Earth. While others had to wake up in the middle of the night to attend to their babies, I woke up once to breastfeed her during the first 3 months and from then on, she slept the whole night through. She is now 21 years old and I have woken up for her at night maybe 20 times since then.

Here is a list of things you can do. Hopefully, you will not have to try them all (like I did). And maybe the story after the list will work even better than all of them.

1. Change eating time - Eden was so sophisticated she would get to bed and get up half an hour later saying she was hungry. I felt so bad about it I gave her food immediately, but we realized it was just one of her tricks to stay awake. She never seemed to go to Gal to tell him she was hungry at 10:30 pm, so every time she came to me, I sent her to Gal. Gal would smile at her and say, "Tough!" and send her to bed. She stopped after the third time she tried it.
2. Change diet - no sugar, coffee, tea or chocolate in the evening
3. Change bath time - Eden linked her bath with going to bed, so she would refuse to have a bath. We started washing her before dinner
4. Sit with her - This was not successful, because she would talk to us all that time or keep moving one of her limbs so she would not fall asleep. As soon as she forgot to move her hand or foot, she would fall asleep, but that took ages
5. Explain about the body and how important sleep is for good function of the body
6. Have other people talk to her about the importance of sleep
7. Have a night ceremony - Reading books, getting her teddy bears and "blankie", singing "good night" songs, etc
8. Have a relaxed hour before bedtime
9. No TV before bedtime - Eden was born before the time of the computer, so playing on the computer before bedtime was not an issue, but if you are dealing with sleeping problems nowadays, you should make sure that computer time ends at least 2 hours before sleep, because the screen light creates the illusion of day and disturbs sleep
10. Decorate her room to make it a happy place
11. Tell stories about fairies giving gifts
12. Tell stories about fairies giving money
13. Get meditation CDs and listen in bed
14. Let her cry in her room - Our book said that if a baby cries more than 10 minutes, there is a problem. Eden would cry for 9 minutes and 59 seconds and then fall asleep. It was torture
15. Buy a new bed
16. Allow her to go to sleep whenever she wanted
17. Allow her to sleep wherever she wanted (but never in our bed!). On some weeks, Eden fell asleep on the living room carpet
18. Take away privileges and favorite objects
19. Buy new bed sheets with characters she liked
20. Take her to family members' houses to sleep over - This was mostly so we could have some time off for ourselves. From the age of 1 until Eden was 4 years old, we lived in the same town as our parents did, so it was easy. It helped us for a while, but as soon as she came back home, it was exactly the same.
21. Make sure there were no electric things in her room
22. Drink warm milk before bed - We later discovered this was very bad for her, because she was allergic to milk, so this was definitely not good
23. Put relaxing scents in an oil burner
24. Bribe her - "If you go to sleep on time, I will…" (Yes, I was desperate. If you can, try to avoid it. It makes kids manipulate you in return. Ouch!)

We tried every idea we read about or heard about for about 5 years. Everything worked for no more than a week. Eden was exhausted and so were we.

I want you to understand she did not disturb or prevent us from going about our business. We could do anything in the house and she just joined us - cleaning, cooking, playing and walking around the neighborhood. She just never allowed us to be together without her.

You may have considered Ophelia Syndrome (the feminine Oedipus Syndrome - kids seeking attention from the parent of the other sex), but that usually starts at a later stage and Eden did not want Gal's attention more than she wanted mine. When we were together, hugging and kissing, she would come and hug and kiss us too. Or when Gal and I played "Catch" and Gal caught me, she would pull him away from me, as if she was trying to protect me.

One solution we found was to go to bed early and stay there for a while until she was convinced we are asleep, while doing our best to stay awake.

Another positive decision we made as a result of this was that once a week, we went out and brought a babysitter to watch over Eden (a decision we have kept for over 20 years now). We needed time to talk, be together, go out and meet other people. Once a week, we left the going-to-sleep battle for someone else. Surprisingly, the babysitters did not have to fight at all. Eden was cute and the babysitter did not mind sitting with her for an hour until she fell asleep. By the tame we came back, she was fast asleep and we had some quiet time. Highly recommended!

But the real solution came later.

When Eden was 6 years old and Tsoof was born (after we had lost two babies), we decided we could not afford to have this problem any longer. Tsoof was just one week old and I said to myself, "I give up!" I made an appointment with a family therapist and we went to see him with Eden. He listened to our problem and told Gal and me to come and see him without Eden.

We got a babysitter for the kids and went to see him. He said to us, "When you come home, tell her it is time to go to bed!"

Gal and I looked at each other not really understanding what he was saying.

"And?" we asked him.

"That's it! You just tell her, 'Eden, now it is time to go to bed' and that's it".

We were shocked. Was this guy serious?

"And what makes you think she will go to sleep?" I asked him, "We have been saying this for 5 years and it doesn't work".

"Just go home and say to her 'Eden, now it is time to go to bed'", he kept repeating.

"She won't!" I became frustrated, "You don't know her. She will argue until the cows come home. She will say, 'Why are you staying awake?' and 'It's not fair' and 'I'm doing OK like this'. She won't go to sleep. She will stay awake and argue".

He looked at me and said, "Yes, she will argue, but you won't".

We left his office after an hour, feeling a bit frustrated. On the way home, we said that therapist probably had no kids of his own, because no one with kids would suggest anything so stupid.

We came home, had dinner, cleared the table and it was 8pm. I turned to Eden.

"Eden, now it is time to go to bed".

Eden looked at me and said, "No, it's not!"

I wanted to react immediately, but I remembered what the family therapist said and held back. "Eden, now it is time to go to bed", I said again calmly.

"I don’t have to. You're not the boss of me", she said.

I wanted to say, "I AM the boss of you! I'm your mother, I'm the grownup here and I can tell you what to do", but instead, I took a deep breath and said again in a clam voice, "Eden, now it is time to go to bed".

As we had suspected, Eden argued for two hours, but we kept saying, "Eden, now it is time for you to go to bed". She said she was not going to bed and in the end, she did not.

The following night, it all started again, but this time I said, "Eden, now it is time for you to go to bed" and I turned my back on her. Eden started arguing, but the sentences changed to questions.

"Why do I have to go to bed?" or "How are you going to make me?"

I told myself I would do exactly as the therapist had said (even if he had no kids of his own), so my answers were all the same, like a broken record, "Eden, now it is time to go to bed".

I said this about 70 or 80 times that night and, sure enough, Eden only went to sleep when we did.

The third night sounded exactly the same. I used my mantra (meanwhile arguing with her in my mind) and she kept protesting. But this time, she went to bed early.

Can you imagine?

We had argued for 5 years times 365 days and she went to bed early on the third day of not arguing.

Here is what I learned from that one hour of coaching:

1. Wanting to be with the parents is very typical of first born children, because they do not fully understand that Mom and Dad are different from them and think they live in a trio.
2. Being an only child for 6 years only increased Eden's belief we were a trio and doing things without her made her feel rejected.
3. We had a belief that to be good parents we needed to explain things to our kids, even if it meant explaining them to death. Eden was a smart girl, so she understood this was our weakness and used it to be with us longer.
4. Eden was too young to understand all the scientific/psychological/social reasons people need to go to sleep. "Do you know how many grownups do not understand that they need enough sleep?" the therapist asked us, "Sometimes, kids need to do things because you tell them to. You can try explaining, but they may not understand. Give them six months and try again, but continuing to explain is perceived by the kids as a weakness".

This is my story of kids not wanting to go to sleep. From that day onwards, for the last 14 years, we have had no fights with Eden about going to sleep. She is 21 years old now and has two siblings, but she still thinks she is one of the grownups in the family (in terms of responsibility). Although we do not say anything to her about going to sleep, you can see her from time to time arguing with herself, debating whether to go to sleep or stay awake and read a book or cram some more psychology material. Some nights, we go to sleep before she does and she comes to tuck us in and turn the lights off.

I hope my story will help you too.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Family Policy
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• How to Handle Pressure

Setting rules and following a discipline routine is not easy. It requires parents to have lots of discipline and self control. To my surprise, when people seek parenting programs to enhance their parenting skills, they look for disciplining tricks and techniques when in fact, what they need is not a one-size-fits-all way of parenting but exposure to many different philosophies, which they can adapt to their own kids, beliefs and circumstances.

Parental discipline can be one or a mixture of the following definitions:

1. A set or system of rules and regulations
2. Training to act in accordance with rules like military discipline
3. Activity, exercise or a routine that develops or improves a skill. For example a daily practice of the musician is an excellent discipline
4. Punishment given to correct the behavior or skill
5. Behavior that matches the rules of behavior for example: My son has good discipline as he goes to sleep early every night to allow himself to get up early in the morning for his rehearsal

If you examine your life, you will be able to find that you fit into one of these categories. Parents who focus on the skills and the behavior have a different discipline style to parents who focus on the rules.

As I prepared for this Top Parenting Bloggers project, I thought that the topic of discipline was probably something every parent would like to hear from people who have made parenting a high priority and somehow managed it well. Here are their answers.

What is your discipline philosophy?

If I do things my kids do not like, I explain once, twice, three times. Sometimes they cannot understand, just because they are just kids. If I have not convinced them, I tell them that that's what captains do, they are there to make the decisions and parents are the captains of their household, so they will have to accept my decision.

I believe that having rules and boundaries is very important for kids. They are there to give kids stability, confidence and a sense of safety, not to limit them. Consistent parenting provides this safe zone to the kids. If there is a breach of rule, it is always because I wasn't clear about the rule in the first place.

So now that you know how the Top Parenting Bloggers think, what is your parenting philosophy? Use the comment box below to share with us your thoughts and comments.

Join us again next week, when the top parenting bloggers discuss their profound parenting moments.

If you wish to know more about the bloggers who take part in this project or contact any of them, please visit their blogs, follow them on Twitter and/or become their fan on Facebook. Alternatively, you can send them a question or comment through the comment box below.

Thanks again to Susan, Sue, Annie and Annie Fox, RJ, Ria and.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Discipline in Question
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

It is a valid question and I think that people who ask it probably think this is the meaning of happiness, which makes me wonder why they do it to themselves. You see, some definitions of happiness are too tough, meaning it is hard to achieve them, and I would much rather have a definition of happiness that is easy to get.

Let me explain this by using food as an analogy. Who do you think is happier, someone who says "I'm only happy when I drink luxury wine from 1864, use spices from the jungles of the Amazon and cook my food for 22 hours, 16 minutes and 33 seconds precisely" or someone who says, "I'm happy when I eat" (I have two of the second type at home)?

When I was a young girl, I learned to be fussy about food. Not luxury fussy but "autistic" fussy. I was afraid to try new kinds of food. I think my mom worked very hard to make us fussy. She was a chef and knew how food was prepared and she scared us to death eating outside of eating out. All of us were very fussy about eating outside the house.

Gal, on the other hand, was always the un-fussiest eater in the world. He loved exploring food and eating out brought him (and his family) lots of joy and wonderful memories. You should see him eat - he dedicates all his attention to the aromas and flavors of the food. Gal used to eat a lot, and I mean seconds and thirds and all the leftovers from everybody else's plates. Oh, by the way, he was and still is skinny. He can be so creative with his food we used to joke he could eat a sandwich with chocolate spread, mayonnaise, hot chili and garlic. When he cooks, he comes up with wonderful recipes and can compete with my mom at guessing what ingredients and spices are in a dish.

Who do you think is happier during every meal? Me, saying, "Food makes me happy only if…" or Gal, saying, "Food makes me happy. Period"?

Years ago, Gal told me a story about Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis. Jackie had a famous chef who made her meals. The chef loved his job so much he did his best to make her the most special food every time. He looked for special ingredients and measured every drop, but when she sat at the table, she took a bottle of ketchup, flooded her dish with the red sauce and ate it with pleasure. The chef was so frustrated that one day, he served her horse meat and mushrooms. When she poured ketchup all over it and ate it, the chef quit and told the press.

This story was meant to say that Jackie Kennedy-Onassis had no taste, but to me, it also says she was happy (at least with her food). She was one of the richest women in the world and she made a rule that made her happy with very little effort - by pouring ketchup over her food. The chef's rule was that food is good only if it contains fine ingredients in precise measures and is made with a lot of effort and skill. Jackie had a rule that if there is ketchup on her food, it tastes great! So simple.

But I do not want to talk about food. I want to talk about fussiness. People are as fussy about happiness as they are about food. Many people make it too hard for themselves to feel happy because they put layers of obstacles on the way.

Usually, I prefer to show the positive way of being happy rather than giving examples of the opposite, but this time I will do something different and describe the rules that prevent you from being happy. I hope you will not see yourself in the list, but if you do, remember you are always free to change your own rules. Happiness should be easy for you too, as easy as pouring ketchup on your food.

If you have kids, remember that if your happiness rules are tough, your kids will adopt them, because they still do not have filters sophisticated enough to recognize that your rules are too hard to live by.

Self-assessment: How fussy are you?

Look at the list of statements below. Each statement makes it hard to feel happy with yourself and the more statements you use, the more of them you need to change if you want to make it easy to feel happy.

Each statement either makes it easy for you to feel bad or hard to feel good and they should be the opposite. It is important to note that an easy way to feel good is to take full responsibility or to minimize the strength of the problem.

Some statements are in the form of rules, like "When people are rude, I am unhappy". Some imply an underlying rule, like "It is so hard to…", which might mean you expect things to be easy, or "There is no point in…", which implies you might be using your past experience to block some opportunity in the present, because you believe that what happened in your past always happens. Others show lack of responsibility, like "Someone insulted me", which ignores your own (mis)interpretation and choice to feel insulted.

Go over the list and mark the statements you use.

Go over the statements you use and give them points. If you use this statement a lot, give it 3 points. If you use it sometimes, give it 2 points and if you use it rarely, give it one point. Statements you never use get a 0.

Add up all the points.

If your point count is 200-300, you are extremely fussy and your rules of happiness are irresponsible, you blame everyone else for your feelings and problems, you lack motivation and negative. You have law self image. (Ouch, it hurt me writing it)

If your point count is 100-200, you are fussy and your rules make it hard for you to feel happy. There are areas of life that gives you much happiness while others you find very hard to cope with.

If your point count is 50-100, you probably use some of the statements sometimes and mainly in stressful points. Generally you have pretty good rules of happiness and you know your challenges.

If your point count is less than 50, you are a happy "eater" and you are mostly responsible, in control of your feelings, motivated, positive with a good self image. You can be an inspiration to others.

Fussy statement list

1. I am happy when others treat me the way I expect them to
2. I am happy when people help me without being asked
3. I am happy when others tell me they love me
4. When people are rude, I am unhappy
5. I wish I could do better
6. I am happy when I earn lots of money
7. No one wants to be with me
8. If people say something behind my back, it upsets me
9. I hate it when…
10. It is so hard to…
11. I won't make it
12. I can't … if I don't … first
13. It's not fair
14. It's unbearable when…
15. People must follow the rules
16. I've always been like this (on things you are not benefiting from)
17. It's hard to change
18. I'm not that young anymore
19. I will be happy when I finish this job
20. I am too young/old/tall/soft/slow/aggressive for…
21. One day, I will…
22. I need to lose weight
23. I need to be more…
24. They don't like me
25. They shouldn't have done it
26. I'm not very good in…
27. There is no point in…
28. There are people better than me
29. I am not perfect
30. That was a stupid thing to say/do
31. I can never…
32. Unacceptable!
33. I would rather die than…
34. That was a waste of time
35. There is nothing I can do about it
36. I am good but…
37. That is a good idea but…
38. I am sort of happy about this...
39. I have high expectation from myself
40. I am afraid of what is going to happen
41. I can't forgive
42. They are wrong
43. I can't forget (when something bad/sad happens)
44. There is no chance
45. I shouldn't have done that
46. It is bad when I make mistakes
47. It is impossible…
48. I feel uncomfortable to say "No" to a friend
49. I should do that or else…
50. No one appreciates me
51. Only when I get a raise, I will know that…
52. Only when he will say "sorry", I will…
53. I am worried about…
54. I think it will turn out bad
55. It shouldn't have happened
56. It's best to give up (when trying to do something you want and it gets hard)
57. No one understands me
58. That's life!
59. Friends are only friends when they…
60. I am no good at…
61. This is not my responsibility
62. It is someone else's fault
63. A person is good only when…
64. Happiness is hard work
65. No one cares about me
66. Someone has hurt me, so…
67. I don't have time
68. I wish I've never done it
69. It is too late to learn
70. There is no one I can ask
71. I can only trust myself
72. I should not feel sad
73. I am going to have a nervous breakdown
74. I hate losing
75. They do not love me enough
76. You are a (any label)
77. I do not like it when people tell me what to do
78. Food is good only when…
79. Everyone thinks I am… (bad thing about yourself)
80. No one listens to me
81. It is so frustrating
82. What are they going to say about me if they find out I?
83. I am a failure
84. It is annoying
85. I can't help it
86. You can be successful only when…
87. I can't afford this…
88. I am only worth as much as I earn
89. It upsets me when people do bad things
90. I never managed to …
91. They make me angry
92. This is my last and only chance
93. The future seems very dark
94. I wish it never happened
95. If people say/do …, it means they do not like me
96. I must do that or…
97. There is no hope
98. It is the worst thing…
99. Someone insulted me when…
100. I'm successful only if I earn lots of money

Regardless of your score, it is a good idea to change the sentences to enjoy life.

How to become less fussy

1. Every rule that involves others needs to become responsible by changing the statement from "them" to "I". For example, "They make me angry" can change to "I got angry", because no one can force you to be angry and you may have misinterpreted "their" intention.
2. Change all the "no hope" statements to something with a chance, a hope or a way out. Where there is a will, there is a way. Taking a really deep breath always helps and so does getting ideas from others, if you need to.
3. Get rid of "must", "have to", "should" and "shouldn't". There is no absolute right that we (or others) must follow. Instead of saying "I must always arrive on time", you can say "It's better for me to arrive on time". Using "Better" means you recognize that there are options and that you have a choice.
4. Replace strong and over-generalizing statements. "Sometimes I don't succeed" is better than "I never succeed". Find words that says the same thing but not in such a harsh way. "I hate when it rains" is a very strong statement, while "I prefer sunshine" or "My glasses are getting wet" are softer statements that make it harder for you to get upset.
5. Erase the "only" from happy statements. It is not true that you can be happy or successful only when you earn lots of money or when particular people like you. No matter what your circumstances are, you can always find something to be happy about right now. You might have been happier if things were different, but you can still be happy as it is. It is your choice.

Seeking happiness is a quest that involves changing your mindset to make it easy to feel love, success, health and happiness. As much as we are what we eat, we are also what we think. Now that you have finished making an un-fussy happy list, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep the list with you and get your mind to believe it by reading it over and over.

As I said last month, you can use this new list to easily convince yourself that you are wonderful, awesome, smart, capable, friendly, creative, forgiving and strong. Why? Because you are!

Again, if you need convincing, you can use any of the convincers on our websites - read more inspiring articles and purchase my new book In the Outback with Jasmine Banks. Alternatively, get yourself some life coaching or book one of my presentations for your organization and let me do the convincing for you.

And until next month, make happiness easy to achieve, because it is.

Love,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Winners vs. Whiners
• Make a list: Feelings I Want to Feel
• Make a List: Find your Happy-ism

"Last night, I picked up my 15-year-old daughter from a party. I'm one of the rare parents who still come to pick their kids up. The rest takes a taxi", she complained, "When I arrived, there were lots of police cars around".

"Did anything bad happen?" I asked, worried.

"Oh, no, that's usual. Every time she goes to a party, someone does silly things and the police arrive".

My 20-year-old daughter and my 14-year-old son had never participated in a party where the police arrived, so I asked her, "What do you mean by 'silly things'?"

"You know teens - they were drinking", she said.

"Sorry, I guess don't know", I apologized, "Why would 15-year-olds be at a party where drinks are served?"

"Most of the time, the parents are there and they supply the drinks, but sometimes, they make it a BYO - bring you own - and the kids bring their own drinks."

"Why would anyone do that?" I asked, pretty shocked, "What do you do for her parties?"

"I don't provide alcohol, but I allow them to bring their own" she said.

"But they are minors", I said.

"Well, if they bring their own, it's not my responsibility", she said.

Boy, did she get that wrong.

A while ago, when I ran a workshop on the Gold Coast, I met Belinda, who worked for the local government's drug and alcohol unit. She told me about new rules that had just come out, which put more responsibility on adults for underage substance abuse. When I came home after my conversation with Jill, I called Belinda and asked her about the regulations.

Belinda was happy to send me the new regulations and I was shocked to discover (again) that the law, which is meant to protect us and, in this case, our kids, is impotent.

The regulation states adults who supervise minors are held responsible, but if they serve soft drinks together with the alcohol, serve food and stay sober themselves, they cannot be charged. They can only be charged if something goes wrong.

What a stupid law! The responsibility is active only if something goes wrong.

I asked Belinda, "What protects my son at a party when his friend's parents serve kids alcohol and nothing goes wrong (no stupid things, no one goes to hospital or calls the police)? What part of the law makes sure he does not drink without my permission? What in the regulations tries to prevent peer pressure to drink?"

"Nothing", said Belinda, "Absolutely nothing!"

In a commercial setting, the penalties for selling alcohol without a license or to a minor are huge and every person who works at a pub or "licensed" restaurant must complete a course called "Responsible Service of Alcohol", in which they must learn all the relevant regulations. Getting a commercial alcohol license costs a fortune and is continually monitored by the government. Yet, there is no law against providing alcohol free of charge to minors or allowing minors under your supervision to drink.

WHAT?!

I protest!

I think the only thing that works to my advantage is the belief that no reasonable parent will take the risk that something wrong might happen under his supervision and the strong belief that I can teach my kids MY definition of responsibility, which is very different from "Don't get caught".

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Teen Drinking Party
• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence

If life was just smooth sailing, this would not be such a big problem, except life is bumpy sometimes and when tensions are high, things can get silly and weaken the parents' position of authority.

Even when things are pretty quiet, the ever-so-sensitive kids can detect notes of disagreement between their parents and immediately try to use them to their advantage (little buggers). Parents who are too preoccupied to notice end up facing the "But Mom/Dad said" and looking pretty stupid being caught unprepared.

It can get even worse when the kids get you started on something important for the first time and you get carried away and fight it out in front of the kids, all the while creating confusion, lack of trust and sometimes even fear. After all, if Mom and Dad do not agree, what am I (the kids) going to do? And if Mom and Dad feel this is so important to decide one way or the other, I (the kid) now have more pressure to make up my mind, but which way should I choose? Oh, and I hope Mom and Dad don't break up because of me…

So what do you do?

Well, just like every project, article or presentation, this has 3 parts: awareness, planning and troubleshooting.

Awareness

Both partners must acknowledge they are different. If you have not done so already, tell each other a little about yourselves, only this time, talk about your childhood, how your parents raised you and describe how you would like to live your life and raise your own kids.

Keep track of noticeable differences. Writing them down is best. Make a separate list of the things you both agree on.

Go over posts on this blog about communication styles and figure out what kinds of communication you prefer. Read the post about love languages and figure out the best ways you like to give and receive affection.

Compare notes and practice interacting with each other using your new knowledge of communication styles and love languages.

You are different. Get it?

And that is OK. You can both be right at the same time and still disagree. That is OK too. Get it?

Planning

Now that you know you are different, it is time to start planning your life ahead. If you have been married (living together) for some time (years?) already, that is OK. It is never too late to make positive changes in your life. Home harmony is a good thing.

Go over your list of different personal preferences and score each item as one of:

• Must - something you consider necessary and will fight for
• Must Not - something you consider wrong and will fight against
• Don't Care - something you will be OK with or without

Say you really (really) like to drink alcohol and your partner drinks from time to time. Drinking would then be a "Must" for you and a "Don’t Care" for your partner. No problem there. When in conflict, your partner will probably let you do what you like. Scratch this off the list of disagreements and write it on the agreements list.

Say your partner grew up hating to wash dishes (Must Not) and you do not mind it (Don't Care). No problem either. You can wash the dishes and he/she can have other responsibilities. Scratch this off the list too. Write it on the agreements list instead.

But what if you want to raise your joint kids with a total focus on independence, to the point where you will let them fail, as long as they stay safe, while your partner wants them only to experience the good side of life, even if it means doing things for them every day and managing every aspect of their routine so they never forget or get punished?

This one you should keep on the disagreement list.

When you have gone all the way down the list, possibly adding things that come to your mind along the way, you should now be left with a small number of things you disagree on and a large number of agreements.

Most things, if not all, are not matters of life and death and have both pros and cons. Dig deeper into your disagreements and consider them as personal preferences, realizing there is no such thing as an absolute rule that applies to everyone. Find out the reasons you are so passionate about each item.

If you find a way to bridge the gap and reach a parental consensus - great. If not, find a way to live with your disagreements - alternating, doing things separately or even presenting two comfortable alternatives to your kids, depending on the issue.

For example, my dad liked to smoke and my mom did not like it, so he smoked less and only outside the house. I really like to play African drums and Ronit can only take so much noise in one hit, so I play away from home, but the kids know we prefer different things. You can present not washing the dishes as "just the way we share the housework" (of course, you will be doing other chores) and occasionally wash some dishes in full view of the kids to demonstrate that this is only a (say it with me) personal preference.

Good, so now you have ways to deal with everything, right?

Nearly.

Troubleshooting

Nobody I know can tell everything about the future, not even the best professional fortune tellers. So even with the longest and most comprehensive list of parenting agreements, you will not be able to cover absolutely everything your kids might throw at you later. Never thought of MySpace or Facebook a few years ago, did you?

So what do you and your partner do when you hit the unexpected?

Well, now that you have your list, it is much easier to recognize what is not on it. This way, if your kid wants to open an account on the new cool kids' whatchamacallit and it is the first time you have every heard about it, stop!

In the most nonchalant way, ask the young person, "Have you asked Mom/Dad about this already?"

If they have not, consult your partner, get an agreement and then communicate to the youngster. Parents 1, kids nil. Life goes on as it should.

If they have, not so good (your partner should have consulted you first, right?). ask, "And what did Mom/Dad say?"

Guess what? There is only ever one answer to this one, because otherwise, your kid would already be logging into whatchamacallit.com!

Since your partner has already said no, your only option is to support him/her! No, it does not matter what you think. Not at this point. At this point, you give your partner full and unconditional support by saying, "Well, in that case, you can't".

Later on and in private, raise this with your partner. Start gently, because there may be a good reason for his/her on-the-spot decision, but make sure the expectation is for a parental forum discussion before new decisions are rendered. If you dispute the decision, you may be able to change it through a discussion, but the parent who issues the original decision should be the one telling the kids it has been changed.

Once again, present matters as personal preference, identify if there is a Must or a Must Not involved and if there are strong feelings on both sides, go deeper into the details and, worst case, agree to comfortably disagree.

This way, you and your partner can keep adding agreements to your list and handle previously-unknown situations well, while your kids grow to be confident, considerate and happy human beings.

Parenting rocks!
Gal

WAIT! Before it's too late, please VOTE NOW for Family Matters for the 2009 Weblog Awards as the Best Parenting Blog by clicking the banner below and then clicking the next to my nomination comment. Every vote counts and voting closes this Friday, so please vote now and ask your friends to vote too!

You may want to read

• Good Parenting is Easy
• In My Opinion
• Anger Management: Be Prepared

Rules were meant to bring us some confidence in life. People without rules live life as if they have a very short memory span, let's say 10 minutes, so they cannot make sense of what has happened to them in the past and they cannot predict what might happen to them in the future. If you ask me, this is a scary place to be. Rules form a useful survival mechanism. We do not need to bang our heads against the wall over and over again in order to re-discover it hurts, right?

From external motivation to internal motivation

The problem with rules is that from an early age, they are external, coming mostly from our parents. Not every person shifts from external motivation to internal motivation and start following their own rules. From an early age, kids follow external rules that mom and dad create to help them survive in the "jungle of life". It is the only way kids can form rules, mainly because they do not have enough life experience to establish patterns and draw conclusions from past events to future plans. But as they grow older, we need to gradually help them shift to having internal rules that will guide them. As I say to all the parents in my parenting workshops, I cannot be next to my kids all their life and remind them of the rules. They need to learn to take care of themselves.

Rules are strong beliefs in the way things should be. If Mom and Dad's rule is "kids need to go to sleep at 8pm" and kids follow it because they fear their parents' reaction if they do not, they might try to "steal" time before going to bed. However, kids who adopt the rule and make it their own make things easy, because there is never a conflict around it.

I have two kids who are a wonderful example for this. My eldest, who is 20 years old now, has never adopted the rule of going to sleep on time so she can function well the following day. Even today, when she can go to sleep whenever she wants, she still struggles with her desire to stay awake as long as possible. My son, on the other hand, realized from an early stage that his sleep was essential to his performance the day after and because he did not want to miss a day of his life (because everything was so exciting and fascinating) he went to sleep without us saying anything. The rule of getting enough sleep has been his from the age of 5.

In personal development, we can find a correlation between having personal (internal) rules of living and being confident and focused. People who have rules that they follow are considered mature, confident, focused, determined and even spiritual, being at peace with themselves and the rest of the world. If you have rules defining your place in the universe and you have a clear understanding of how you follow these rules, you may be considered a religious person. I always say I am a very religious person in this sense. I have rules and I follow them religiously.

Think of the concept of being confident. When you talk to someone and you think this person is confident, what does this person do that makes you feel/think/believe he or she is confident?

More than likely, they conduct themselves as if they have clear rules of behavior, they know how the world operates and they have nothing to prove to others, because they measure themselves internally.

When you see someone who is very successful at something, you can trust they have clear rules about how they got to that stage. Most Lotto winners go broke again, because they have no rules to handle their new situation and many overnight stars go nuts or disappear. No one becomes truly successful by accident.

When you meet someone who is very creative, you can trust they have clear rules about what has made them so creative. No one becomes truly creative without dedication and without striving for it.

This is why if you want to be happy, successful, creative, friendly, wealthy or anything else you want to be, you need to spend time with people who already posses that quality and learn from them. You learn from them what is the formula, what are the rules of being like them.

If you want to develop yourself and reach a state of peace, find your rules. This will also give you some serious insights into your parenting and how to pass on some useful rules to your kids.

How to make your list of rules

Just like many other chapters of the Make a list series, this activity of finding 100 rules you follow has more than one step:

1. Find the rules you currently follow
2. Check if these rules bring you stability, confidence, certainty and peace or doubt, fear, anger and discomfort
3. Change the rules that are not good for you to empowering rules
4. Develop additional rules you would like to adopt in order to be even more confident, successful, relaxed and happy

Special instructions

1. Rules are not right or wrong, they just are
   Be honest with yourself and dig out everything. The only question you should ask yourself is whether they give you what you need or not.
2. Rules are strong beliefs you have
   They are so you may think they are "set in stone". Whenever you have a strong feeling about something, it usually means you have a rule about it, so write it down.
3. Many rules are external
   Ask yourself, "Is this my rule or was I given this rule without considering it?" You have the freedom to accept or reject any rule, no matter its origin.
4. Different stages of your life require different rules
   I have had rules for being single without kids and different rules for being married with kids. As long as your rules get you to where you want to go, changing them is a sign of development. Consider how applicable each rule is to your life now, because it may not serve you anymore. If it does not, change it to something that will.
5. Rules are not relevant to all circumstances
   Being very honest with your friends and family (or asking personal questions) can be considered rude in a more distant circle. Make your rules more specific if you need to.
6. 6. Adopting your new rules is like any other change
   At first, a new rule is just an idea that is supposed to benefit us somehow. If we experience it again and again, it becomes part of us and we do not need to make a conscious effort to live by it. Think about it as brushing your teeth. After experiencing it every morning and evening, you do not waste energy thinking about the proper way to do it every day. Repetition is the way to help you make your new rules part of your life.
7. The time-consuming work on your rules is done when you list them
   There is no need to re-discover your rules every time. Write them down, change them to suit your life and your new list will be there later for you. Look at it from time to time and fine tune it, but that will be easy.

Rules are limiting if they do not put order in your life and do not give you certainty and stability. Successful people are those who adopt good rules of success and stick to them. If you are looking for success in your life, in any area that is interesting for you, remember that your successful rules of living are the blueprint of that success.

Happy list making. I invite you to join me next week to make a list of "100 qualities of a good parent".

As you can see from the logo of this blog, one of my top rules of living is "Happy parents raise happy kids". I have been sharing my rules of living and parenting on hundreds of pages of this blog every day. If you think you have some rules of life that are successful and you would like to contribute, please write them in the comment box and share them with all the readers.

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Exploring Happiness
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a List: My Fears