Family Matters

Posts Tagged ‘responsibility’

Let’s say you are willing to make the effort to manage the difficult people in your life and help them get the feeling they are missing, the feeling that causes them to behave the way they do. How can you tell what is the feeling they really need?

Needs are a complex issue. They are feelings that are so strong that you believe you cannot live without them. Each person’s needs are very individual, but they definitely get them out of control. If you can control a need, it is no longer a need but more of a preference.

Many people confuse wishes, desires, preferences, values and needs. Although they all have something in common, they differ in intensity.

If you have a discussion or an interaction with a difficult person and you feel their demands are a bit too strong and that they are having a little panic about their request, ask them, “What will happen if you don’t get it?” or “What will happen if things don’t happen the way you want them?” or “What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

This question creates a loop in their brain and the answer does not matter. Their subconscious will answer itself and lower the difficult person’s tension from “I absolutely must have it” to “OK, well, I won’t die without it, so maybe it’s not the end of the world after all”.

People who are energy consumers do not have an easy life, not only because others keep away from them or that they do not get what they want, but because it is a cycle. A never-ending cycle. What they are missing is a feeling.

While they behave in a way that aims to achieve this feeling, others feel uncomfortable and awkward around them, stay away from them or react in an aggressive way towards them, so they feel bad and miss that feeling even more. The problem is not with them missing a feeling but that they try to get that feeling in a way that others do not like. Sometimes, their behavior seems like they are unable to read social cues or they do not follow the unwritten rules of normality.

Personally, I have an allergy to the concept of normality. I believe it is overrated and sometimes confused with majority or average. However, I still think there are socially acceptable rules in every group and that following them will give you an advantage, while not following them will make you a social outcast.

As a special education professional who works with lots of social outcasts that are not normal/average/the majority, I wish our society would be more tolerant towards different people. Yet, while helping them, I spend most of my energy teaching them the “rules of the game”, instead of protesting the closed mindedness of society.

Yes, we need to create a more accepting society, but when we need to face the day-to-day challenges of living with a difficult loved one, changing a whole society is way more challenging than changing one person.

If you have read about the 20 types of difficult people, you might have started to see difficult people everywhere. It must be very scary to think you are surrounded by them, but I think it is very important to define each difficulty better, because there are not that many of them out there.

Usually, we call others “difficult” when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person’s communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person – they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

Sometimes, the Universe seems to conspire to make us do something. In this case, I think it wants me to write about how important fathers are in the life of their children. We keep focusing on parenting in this blog, but there is a difference between mothering and fathering, which we have not discussed much.

I have a friend who goes on a men’s camp every year. When his boys were young, he went by himself and felt very supported there. As soon as his boys turned 13 and were allowed to go with him, away they went together and spent a great time bonding – singing, dancing, doing physical exercise and watching performances. He has been nagging me to come with him on that camp for a few years now, saying there is something special about the freedom and “safe space” it provides.

So far, I have not gone.

In the past few months, Ronit worked with several boys whose father had died or spent a lot of time away from home. Whenever we talked about them, I kept having the feeling that although they were young (5 to 8 years old), they felt like little men. I felt they saw themselves as somewhat responsible for the wellbeing of their family and had to fill the very large shoes of their absent father.

That was not enough either.

Here are 10 more kinds of difficult people. Like in my previous post, I recommend finding people that match the description and checking if you have any of these behaviors.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, “Am I difficult that way?” and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, “I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive”. At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Our world is a weird and wonderful place, but sometimes, we act in weird ways that make it not so wonderful anymore. In many situations, there is a conflict between what is good for us personally and what is good for everybody. In others, the conflict is between what is good for us right now and what will be good in the future. Without considering the implications of our actions, they sometimes make the world just a little bit less pleasant.

Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend’s mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend’s carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend’s insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, “Am I difficult that way?” and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10):

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Difficult people are energy consumers, hence the title “difficult”. When you spend time with them, and sometimes just when you are in their presence, you feel exhausted. Most people, after trying to handle difficult people a few times without success, label them as “difficult” and after a while, they give up trying.

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child
At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those “difficulties” as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, “No one wants to be my friend”. Grownups change it to, “I don’t need (many) friends”, or, “They’re stupid, anyway”, because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

From time to time, we get a knock on the door and someone asks for a donation to charity. The amount of money is up to us and the minimum is typically small. The person is pleasant and often seems like one of the people who would benefit from our donation to this charity.

But to me, this is money for nothing. Sure, research shows that people get a sense of generosity and feel good about themselves when they give money at the door, in the office or secretly in some other way. I still think this is a short-lived feeling that keeps injustice and bad management in our society long term.

I believe that the fundamental ingredient missing from the charity model is self-respect. When a person cannot provide for themselves and relies completely on others for food, shelter and clothing, their sense of identity changes and they begin to see themselves as dependent and incapable of supporting themselves. If this goes on long enough, they end up feeling worthless.

Even if you have never been poor, maybe you have lost your job at some point or your partner has. The feeling of loss of self-worth can be debilitating. When it goes on for long enough and when the loss was big enough (like a top executive being laid off at an age that makes finding another job unlikely), some people even kill themselves. Standing in line for a social security handout is humiliating for anyone used to productive employment.

Money for nothing makes the recipient feel worthless.

For the record, I am not gay, I have no gay relatives and this matter has no direct connection to me at the moment, other than gay marriage has become a major subject of public debate in Australia and seems to be involving very strong emotions on both sides.

In fact, this post was Tsoof’s idea. He came in a couple of days ago and said, “Dad, maybe you should write about the gay marriage thing. It’s all over the news”. So here goes.

Fundamentally, gay people’s sexual preferences are in conflict with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. In democratic countries, although the law may not be directly religious, a religious majority may be able to pass laws to the same effect. That is just the way things are in the world.

But this is not a legal blog.

This is a parenting blog. This is a personal development blog for parents.

If your baby boy posed nude with fireman gear on, would you leave him out in the cold and walk away?

Would you tell your little toddler girl to go and live somewhere else because she wore a boy’s hat?

What if you knew right from the start your cute newborn baby was gay?