The main difference between people who succeed in life and those who do not is what they do next. This is also the difference between parents who raise happy and successful kids and those who do not.

While I was thinking about this topic, I remembered a quote by an American president about taking action. When I looked it up, it turned out to be by Theodore Roosevelt, who is also quoted as saying many other highly appropriate things. I will include these within this post for your enjoyment and your (kids') benefit.

Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering
- Theodore Roosevelt

Stopping progress

The best way to keep yourself right where you are and place yourself at the mercy of your circumstances, or your kids' behavior, is to keep finding reasons for not making any progress.

No matter what anyone says to you, what are the chances it will be perfect? None. So you can always respond with, "Oh, no, this doesn't cover everything", or words to that effect.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month
- Theodore Roosevelt

In fact, this conversation quickly turns into a competitive game or battle of wits, where the other person, a friend, a partner or a parent, comes up with more refined ways to move forward and you come up with clever reasons why they will not work.

I call this being in "why not" mode, because they question you keep trying to answer is "Why not take any action". You make an emotional decision that the situation is hopeless and defend it fiercely, proving yourself "right" by poking holes in any different opinion, no matter how useful it might be.

It is like a tank that has set a course, stuck on the most powerful gear at full throttle. There is a lot of force and a lot of noise, and anything in the way gets squashed. If you have ever seen a tank, you know the driver can only see through slits, so that bit is also the same...

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing
- Theodore Roosevelt

An important aspect of this type of resistance is also a keen focus on the current collection of symptoms, with saying like, "I can't deal with this right now. I'm too upset" or "Can't you see I've gotten nowhere with this already?"

The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats
- Theodore Roosevelt

Another important aspect is that a "why not" conversation puts a person who is trying to help you "on the other side". It creates conflict and intensifies the conflict with every round of idea and rejection. Pretty quickly, the other person, who initially just wanted to be helpful and make you feel good, gets tired of your denial, criticism and dismissal and think to themselves, "Well, this is nuts. I want him/her to feel better more than he/she does. I'm outa here".

It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things
- Theodore Roosevelt

Recognize any of these interactions in your life?

Taking action

On the other hand, a focus on the desired outcomes and a broader view of the current situation as merely a (painful) step on the way to ultimate success, results in a very different kind of thinking and very different questions - What and How. There are particularly useful with kids, because nobody is a lost cause at the age of 3, no matter how many times we claim it aloud.

Believe you can and you're halfway there
- Theodore Roosevelt

A good What question is "What's the underlying problem here?" It helps us look past the symptoms towards things we may be able to change. Parents are often upset by their children's behavior in front of other people and focus all of their attention on the child, but the underlying problem may be hunger, physical discomfort or even something the parent might have said.

Another What question is "What have I done that contributed to the current situation?" It helps us to recognize our own actions and interpretations, which are under our control, and to take responsibility of our part in the problem and therefore the solution. Parenting is mostly about leading by example. When dealing with children, this is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself, because if Mommy/Daddy does it, it must be the right thing to do.

The question "How to make things better?" can be used to focus our attention on a solution. We could also ask ourselves "How to feel better about what's happened?" to remove the emotional obstacle from our path. Fortunately, many of the "bad" things kids do are out of fear and a warm hug or a short conversation can clarify matters and help everyone feel a lot better very quickly.

"What can I do right now?" is a great question for identifying ways to start moving. The great thing about moving is that it changes our perspective. You know that climbing to the top of a hill gives you a better view, but sometimes, reading a book, listening to the radio or walking to the next room can be enough to help you relax and start generating ideas in your mind.

If your child has done something embarrassing, you could immediately remove yourself and your child to a private place and handle things quietly. Doing this is likely to lower your stress from the presence of others and to help you see things more clearly. It will also lower the volume and pitch of "the talk" with your child, and that is always a good thing.

So no matter what happens to you in life, especially with your children, put yourself in a "how to" mindset, find the underlying issues, check your contribution and find something you can do right away. Not only will you be happier and more successful, but your kids will learn it from you in no time and your life as a parent will be forever change for the better.

Happy parenting (keep reading the quotes below),
Gal

Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time
- Theodore Roosevelt

Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing
- Theodore Roosevelt

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat
- Theodore Roosevelt

It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things
- Theodore Roosevelt

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground
- Theodore Roosevelt

Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young
- Theodore Roosevelt

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything
- Theodore Roosevelt

With self-discipline, most anything is possible
- Theodore Roosevelt

When you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly I can!' Then get busy and find out how to do it
- Theodore Roosevelt

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are
- Theodore Roosevelt

* Quotes courtesy of Brainy Quote

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• Anger Management: Be Prepared
• The Hunger Games

I have read hundreds of books about happiness, motivation and success and written many articles, lesson plans and presentations about happiness and in all of them, I get to the same point: happiness is not absolute and does not follow the "one size fits all" rule. Therefore, I cannot teach happiness. All I can teach people is how to find it inside.

Most of my clients are very surprised when I tell them I do not have a happiness formula for them. Many people would like a formula or a pill that will fix their life and make them happy quickly and easily. When they come to coaching, they often think it is like going to the doctor and saying, "Ronit, I'm sick. Can you give me a pill to fix it?"

Every one of us is a chemist searching for the right ingredients in the right combination that defines the happiness pill
- Ronit Baras

Well, I do not. You see, happiness pills are very special. Only those who make them can enjoy the magic of their cure. Every one of us is a chemist searching for the right ingredients in the right combination that defines their own happiness pill. Each pill is unique to its creator. I happened to be studying the chemistry of happiness, success and motivation and have had the honor of studying and working with lots of successful chemists, so I can share with my clients some tips about ingredients that do not work and others that were proven to be very successful. One of the reasons my clients are so successful is that they understand I cannot prescribe them a pill, but that with my help, they do not start from scratch.

The good thing about working towards the happiness pill is that you get to test it every day of your life and always improve. On lousy days, and everyone has lousy days, they can always take a happiness pill to boost their emotional immune system and gather enough courage and motivation to start researching again the day after.

Another great thing about the happiness pill is that everyone can prescribe it for themselves at any time. You do not need to make an appointment, see a specialist and expect them to make you happy. You are the specialist and you can prescribe it to yourself. No one knows you better than you!

Also, you do not need to go to the chemist during business hours and count on your pill to be in stock. You are the chemist and you are always open for business. Your body has all the chemicals you can dream of and using it properly will produce supportive chemicals and get rid of the ingredients you do not want. Being out of stock happens only once in your life - when you die.

Find your Happy-ism

Happiness is like a religion. It gives its believers the sense of comfort, purpose, and fulfillment, a sense of certainty and connection to the world and its creator. Just like every other religion, it is very individual and requires your complete faith.

I believe that life is a search for your own "ism". I have a group of clients that know each other very well (one of them referred a friend to me, who referred another two friends, who referred others, so they all know about one another) and they talk about my religion as "Ronitism". After only a couple of sessions, all my clients know that they need to find their own "ism" and the quicker they find it, the happier they will be.

To help them find it, I share my search and my findings and help them question their thoughts and beliefs until they find solid, helpful ingredients that take them forward, with focus, that are addictive and can be easily replicated and measured. I teach them to be researchers - to compare, to rate, to document, to test and test again, to be creative, to be adventurous, to welcome like-minded researchers and learn from their successes, and you know what? Those who seek, find!

When my clients ask me about my happiness pill, I always share it with them. Some of the ingredients have been found in past experiences. Even the tough and painful experiences have included very important ingredients of success. I have learned many of my ingredients during my studies and while working. Some are tips from my parents and family members or my observations of what I like and do not like about the way others searched for their happiness pill. I have learned some things from very successful people. Some of my ingredients are just there and I do not know exactly who has given them to me or what has made me think they were good for me. I just know they work.

If you know the "make a list" series, you know that writing things down can be very helpful for our thinking process. Spend some time finding out what is the formula for you - your happiness formula. Your happy-ism. Think what the ingredients of happiness, success and excellence are and see if you have these ingredient. Knowing that courageous people are very successful is not enough. You also need to do something to develop this courage in yourself, so success and happiness will start knocking on your door.

Here are the instructions for getting the ingredients and the combination for your happiness formula:

1. Write whatever you think makes you happy. I have the list of 100 things that make me happy and I extend the list every opportunity I get. Every person has a different list and it provides the basis for your happiness pill.
2. When making a list, write the ingredients that should not be on your happiness pill's ingredient list. There is no need to research and find out again and again they do not work for you. For example, I discovered at the age of 16 that I felt sorry for myself and that was the reason I was helpless and unhappy. In my happiness formula, feeling sorry for myself does not exist and I never check again to see if it works.
3. When was the first time you discovered this ingredient? How old were you when you first discovered it? I discovered that action (as opposed to complaining) is a great ingredient in my success formula. I discovered it when I was 16 and switched from complaining to doing and it worked. Instead of complaining, I asked myself, "What can I do about it?" With good questions, you always get good answers.
4. Who has given it to you? Who was the person that was associated with this discovery? I learned money management from my dad. He taught me that a credit card is a way of renting money so I do not rent money. I have a credit card and I pay it all off by the due date so I never have to pay any interest. Over 27 years of having a credit card, I have rented money twice in my life to pay a loan with higher interest and only for a very short time. I think this is one of the reasons I am so good with money.
5. What were the circumstance that have made you think this is a very important ingredient in the happiness pill formula? One of the ingredients of my formula is "successful people fall 7 times and get up 8". No matter how hard things are, get up! One more time! That is all it takes - one more time. I learned it the hard way after I lost my two babies. I thought I could not and would not be able ever to smile again and I was wrong. Very painful and sad circumstances, great ingredients. Whenever I fail or things do not happen the way I predicted or wanted, I focus on "one more time" and it always works.
6. Do I have this ingredient? Sometimes, we see great skills and abilities, thoughts and beliefs in other people, but we do not possess them. If you examine those around you and think they have some ingredients of the happiness formula, ask yourself if you have these skills too. During my work as a life coach, I have learned that part of every coach's success is the ability not to take on the clients' feelings and to remain a facilitator of change. This was hard for me. For a while, I did not own that ingredient.
7. Where/how can I get this ingredient? What do I need to develop, do, possess and learn to own this ingredient? Luckily for me, I could coach myself to develop the skill of allowing my clients to have their own feelings and being able to support them without adopting their feelings. I have used all the tools in my tool kit to change beliefs, to come up with new rules and goals to achieve this and I have been very successful at it.

Remember, it is good to learn from others about their happiness pills, but do not be tempted to adopt them. For an ingredient to be useful and successful, it needs to be accompanied by strong belief and listening to someone else's story is not enough to make it a strong belief.

I hope you will enjoy your time in the pharmacy of life and be a dedicated and adventurous chemist. If you need help in weighing, mixing and finding your unique formula, call us at Be Happy in LIFE and I will be happy to help you.

Hugs,
Ronit

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Both Ronit and I slept very badly that night and had very scary dreams.

In the movie, there are 12 districts full of poor workers who can barely get enough food to eat. Their life is mud (literally), they are dressed in light-blue working uniforms and live in fear. These districts are ruled by "the capitol", a magnificent and decadent city, where people spend their time dressing to impress and trying to find things to entertain themselves. There is police/army force, dressed in white, which swiftly handles any disruptions.

But the main instrument of power is TV and there is one particular show in TV everyone must watch to remember their place in this futuristic society - The Hunger Games. Each district sends a boy and a girl to fight for their life. The game ends when only one remains, giving the people of their district the temporary illusion that life may be better for them too some day.

There were many similarities between The Hunger Games and our life, which I wanted to share with you. This will be depressing, so after that, I will also share with you how you, me and other parents can make reality different, for us and for our kids.

Just like in the movie, our world is controlled by a small group of people with enough power to take away all of our retirement money, crash the property market, mobilize entire armies to a faraway country and occupy it, kill leaders, install new leaders, invade our privacy and use our tax money and bank fees to fund it all.

Just like in the movie, the people in power see life as a game. They pursue meaningless victories and possessions (one character is called Effie Trinket), consumed by their desire for control (the TV host is called Caesar Flickerman) and personal gains. Even when they pretend to be doing the best for "the people", there is a complete disconnect between the lavish way they live and the miserable way others do.

Just like in the movie, most of us are so focused on getting by, we feel isolated and scared, even in a big crowd. This way, we are very easy to control and are not likely to turn to our neighbors and work colleagues to form an army that will overthrow the current regime. Although we have little, we could lose it all, so we keep plowing ahead and thinking it is the best we can do.

Just like in the movie, we raise our children to survive and be safe and thus they become the next generation of us. We do our best to protect them and make them better than we ever were, but we still send them to school, where they are herded and taught to conform, and we still teach them that getting a good job is the best thing they can do for themselves. They see us following the crowd and feeling safe doing what "everybody else" is doing, and they grow up to follow the crowd too.

Just like in the movie, people are sent to fight and kill complete strangers just to satisfy the rules of some game that is forced upon everyone equally. Most Americans, English and Australians have never met an Iraqi or an Afghan and have no idea about the way they live or what they want out of life, but soldiers still go and fight them, sent by majority votes in democratic countries. These soldiers are backed by their families, who support killing anyone that will prevent them from coming back, even complete strangers who were first attacked by the soldiers.

Just like in the movie, the media is the weapon that subjects us to the tyranny. We are pumped day and night with hollow slogans, like "May the odds be ever in your favor", where the odds we would make it are 1 in 24 (in real life, they may even be lower, but the losers do not have to die).

Just like in the movie, our TV shows many hunger games: Big Brother, So You Think You Can Dance, American/Australian Idol, The Farmer Wants a Wife and, of course, Survivor. In all of these, the camera is everywhere, contestants work in groups while having conflicting personal interests and relationships (even love) are staged for the camera.

He is luring you in to make you easy prey. The more likable he is, the more deadly he is
- Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games

All of these shows are sponsored, just like the game in the film, and the sponsors are not interested in letting the best person win. They are interested in manipulating the audience into buying their products. The level of pressure in them is increased artificially through expressions like "elimination", "dancing for her life" and "let's see who will survive".

All of these "reality" shows are rigged, too. In the film, someone mentions that District 1 usually wins. In real life, we know someone who is a wonderful singer, but was not selected for Australia's Got Talent because her life story was not interesting enough for the show.

If we don't watch, they don't have a game
- Gale Hawthorne in The Hunger Games

Unlike the movie, we do not have to subject ourselves to this bombardment of manipulative messages in the media. We can stop reading the papers, switch our radio to a music channel or listen to recorded music, unsubscribe from "special deals" sites, stop reading glossy magazines at the supermarket checkout and ... turn the TV off.

Unlike the movie, we can choose to question the way we live and the lessons we teach our children. We can sit quietly and go over a day in our life, step by step, and ask the following questions about everything we do:

• Why do we do it?
• What is it really doing for us?
• What is it doing to us?
• What is it doing to our family members and our friends?
• What kind of society is it helping to create for us and for our kids?

You could ask this about getting up at 6:30am, about brushing your teeth, about the clothes you put on, about your choice of breakfast, about the way and means by which you travel to work, about taking your kids to school, about your job and about the way you related to people, especially to those you love the most. You could ask this about everything you buy, every place you buy it from, everything you sell and every way in which you sell it.

At first, you may not see the big deal. 30-40 years of habit make us good at seeing certain things and ignoring others. That is only natural. But once you find something that no longer seems right, even if it is your brand of toothpaste, this will show you the power of questioning and open the door to more revelations and more freedom.

Yes, freedom. Because we may have the illusion that we can do or say whatever we want, but unless we make conscious decisions about how to live and how to raise our kids, we are not free at all. We are just products of our upbringing.

When you have had some practice with these questions and you get used to changing your perception, play questioning games with your kids too. The questioning game. No, The Freedom Games!

Happy parenting,
Gal

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Most parents find this annoying and challenging and resent their budding grownups for "bugging" them with their doubts and endless second-guessing. Those same parents typically frowned at them when they were 1 year old and walked around, pointing at things and asking, "What's this?" When they were 2 years old, their parents became frustrated that they wanted to do everything themselves, and when they were 4, the parents were upset because no matter what happened, they kept asking, "Why?"

But these tender ages, along with the rest of childhood, are a time of discovery, and questions keep our kids' mind sharp, teaching them about the world at their own pace and according to their own interests. In short, questions are good.

There are several types of questions, each with its own advantages and disadvantages, and all very useful in parenting and generally in life.

Open questions

These are useful for getting another person to speak and for getting more information. They often begin with the words what, why, when, who and how (collectively known as "WH Questions"), but they may also be presented as statements, such as "Tell me about..." or " Give me examples of..."

As parents of very young children, we may not always be able to use these questions, simply because our kids do not have the words to answer and describe what they want, feel and think. As they grow up, we need to pay attention to this and gradually ask more and more open questions to develop the kids' verbal expression.

Open questions inspire trust, because asking them is a sign of interest and respect. For example, when your child is late, asking the open question "What happened?" creates a safe conversation space and invites the child to share their story and possibly their feelings.

Closed questions

These questions require a yes or no answer and are useful for checking facts. They contain a statement on the part of the person asking and the only question is whether the other person agrees with that statement.

Closed questions (or "Yes/No Questions") can help us guess what very young children are trying to say and thus help them express themselves. However, when the child has to answer too many closed questions without "hitting the point", they will become frustrated.

Older children may view closed questions as an attempt to control the conversation, which they sometimes are. As parents, we should use these types of questions sparingly and check the assumptions we put into our questions carefully for any personal bias.

Closed questions are a great way to reach an agreement. By breaking up disagreements into parts and asking yes/no questions that solicit a positive answer, more and more common ground is established in preparation for the "little things" that remain to discuss.

Of course, when parental control is required, closed questions, such as "Do you understand?" may be in order, particularly to gain acknowledgement and avoid the later "Oh, I didn't know" routine.

Probing questions

These are used to determine facts, to verify understanding and get clarification. As human communication is widely open to interpretation, clarifying question are a great way to avoid jumping to conclusions.

I often hear people describe conversations they have had with someone that upset them and talk in generalizations. The questions "What exactly did he say?" or "What were her exact words?" help me help them reconsider their interpretation and feel better about the whole exchange.

After the second probing question, the other person may start to feel as though you are doubting them in some way or even suspecting them, because the conversation begins to seem like an interrogation, so use this type of questions only to clarify the important bits.

Hypothetical questions

Sometimes, we need to assess another person's abilities, preferences and limitations, but we cannot put them through an actual experience for some reason (too expensive, too risky, etc), like in an interview situation. With kids, we sometimes want to prepare them for the future in a safe environment and ensure they will do the right thing in a real situation.

Hypothetical questions, such as "What would you do if someone called you a bad name?" or "What would you do with a million dollars?" can help us achieve that. There is no risk and no cost involved in thinking about the answer, but the discovery process can help a lot.

As parents, we sometimes need to help our kids deal with anxiety about a new school, a new friend or some unknown situation ahead. We can break the situation into steps, ask, "What can you do if this happens?" and guide our child towards a confident way to respond, until the anxiety is gone.

Hypothetical questions should fit the child's age and experience. Also, dreaming is good, but to keep them focused on the present, remember to bring the conversation back to "What now?"

Reflective questions

When your kids (or anybody else, for that matter) have a strong emotion, they may be too focused on expressing it to notice what they are saying. By paraphrasing their statements and acknowledging their feelings in the form of questions, you are reflecting their words in a non-confrontational way and giving them a chance to deal with their emotions.

Reflective questions, such as "So are you saying you were hurt by what happened?" make the other person feel validated and accepted, because there is no judgment in the question. Sometimes, using more accurate words can make them feel even more deeply understood and supported by helping them understand their own feelings better ("you were hurt" instead of "I feel bad").

Be careful to reflect only things you have actually heard. Using information from other sources or taking a stand are not reflective and will likely cause the other person to clam up and feel even worse.

Leading questions

This type of questions is used to gain acceptance of your own view. If you say to someone, "You're going to be OK with this, right?" they may not like to disagree. You can also ask little understanding questions in the lead-up to presenting your "inevitable" conclusion.

When dealing with children, leading questions help them see the way you reason and gives them the confidence you know what you are doing. You can also use them to guide your kids in social situations towards the best way to express themselves, as in, "That was a really great dinner, wasn't it?"

The outcome of leading questions depends on where they lead, of course, and on the assumptions built into them, but they can be a powerful and gentle teaching method for you as a parent.

Questions that determine the answers

Ronit runs a presentation that demonstrates the danger in questions and the potential of using questions to manipulate. She displays a series of photographs of some real people and asks the audience to write down their answers to some questions. She then reveals the correct answers and the audience discovers just how biased their answers are.

But this is a deliberate exercise, in which the questions about the black man with the dark glasses are different from those about the young woman with the heavy makeup or the old man with the moustache.

In much the same way, reporters on TV pose pointy questions in their interviews, which children should learn to spot if they are ever to form their own opinion on the world. The modern world masquerades many manipulative statements in the form of questions and a good way to remain in control of our minds is to be aware of this and notice the effect it has on us.

Questions are good for parenting

Besides modeling questions for your kids, it is a good idea to encourage them to practice asking questions too by accepting their questions happily and providing good answers.

Questions are one of the main tools used in life coaching. Instead of giving the client advice, a life coach guides the client in exploring their own feelings and developing their own solution with questions, thus maintaining a professional position and ensuring the client's ownership of the solution. We believe that parents are their children's life coaches. Ask and you shall receive ... happy kids.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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The quality of our life is measured by the quality of our questions
- Ronit Baras

Eventually, every one of my clients asks me why I have chosen my particular educational path. To me, life coaching is "teaching happiness" or "teaching personal development", I present myself as an educator during my introduction sessions and along the way, my clients become fully aware of my educational philosophy, so they ask me why I have chosen this path.

As a special education teacher, I have been taught two contradicting theories. One of them says, "The key to success in life is cognitive intelligence (IQ) - People have a set intellectual potential and our aim as educators is to teach people how to reach that potential". The other says, "The key to success in life is emotional intelligence (EQ) - People have many talents, skills and abilities and our aim as educators is to teach people how to make the most of them".

On the surface, it seems you can use both and there is no major difference between them, but for me, there was a huge difference. When I thought about my job, I realized at a very early stage that using the IQ theory will limit me, because whenever I face challenges in teaching, I might say, "Well, maybe this student has reached their full potential and there is nothing more I can do for them". When I use the EQ theory, I can always say, "There is no limit to a person's potential. Let me just try another key to unlock their ability".

I explain the differences between the theories and their effect on my own success as a teacher and life coach, all the while making it clear that this was the way I have chosen. Still, I am always asked the question

Was it really the right choice?

Good question!

I think the struggle to make the right choices is at the heart of every learning process. In life, we get so many messages and so many of them are contradictory that most of us are confused, because we ask this question

Which choice is right?

And once we have made a choice, we wonder again if it really was the right one.

Recent research about the perception of truth has found that when we hear something three times or more, we tend to accept it as truth. Scary, no? During our lifetime, we receive an enormous number of messages more than three times and therefore, we are doomed to be confused. As an example, just take competing ads for similar products, like toothpaste, hand cream or frozen peas and you will know what I mean.

"Yes, yes, I know", you say, "But which is the right choice of educational philosophy? Is it IQ or EQ? Just tell us".

Well, personally, I have made a career out of the EQ theory and I am pretty good at it. I have managed to write successful educational programs, raise many gifted children around the world, enjoy the fruits of my belief with my own children, make a difference in the lives of many families.

But I do not have the answer to this question. Do you know why?

Because it does not matter! My choices should never matter to you! The only thing that matters is what you believe. None of the theories are right or wrong, they are only limiting or empowering to each person individually.

When IQ was telling me I have hit the limit and I should give up, EQ whispered "try one more time". I like having options, so the choice of EQ was easy for me. I know many others who like certainty in life and believing they know their limits makes them choose IQ.

Change your questions, change your life
- Marilee G. Adams

Whenever something happens to you in life, whenever you have to choose a path, whenever you have to find a solution, stop looking for the right choice and ask instead

Will this limit or empower me?

Which option empowers me the most?

It is as easy as changing the question.

Welcome to your new life!
Ronit

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When kids pursue their desires, whether they allow you to motivate them or not, they face difficulties and may be discouraged many time along the way. In fact, every unsuccessful event may cause them to give up. Their natural reaction may not be "I should try something else" but "Maybe this is not important enough to me". After all, they are just kids and this is a natural reaction for most people.

Giving up is a reaction to something that is seen as "too hard". Your job as a parent is to help your kids develop a "can do" attitude and not even consider the "other" option (giving up).

If you want to help your kids develop a "can do" attitude, you must be a "can do" person yourself. Role-modeling is always the best approach and it makes you an inspiring person for the little people around you.

The great thing about the "Gentle Reminder" technique is that you can use it even when your kids have not given you permission to motivate them. This motivation is not as strong as some others, but it is as effective if done enough times. All you do is bring up the topics you would like to encourage your kids on.

Be a role model

Ask yourself these questions:

1. In which areas can you be an inspiration to your kids?
2. Where in your life have you achieved or overcome something with a "can do" attitude?
3. Have you told your kids about your successes?

Tips

1. Realize that some areas in life are easier for you to inspire in.
2. In areas where you are not a good model, find someone else to provide the encouragement. For example, divorced parents have a real challenge motivating their kids towards forming good long-term relationships, but may be able to turn to grandparents who have been together for ages.
3. Find opportunities to tell your kids about what you have experienced, both good and bad, that brought you to where you are now.
4. When you tell about yourself, do not ask for permission like, "Can I tell you about something that happened to me?" Instead, say, "This reminds me of…", "You know, when I was 6…" or "I want to tell you a story… " My kids love stories, so when I say I have a story, they are happy to listen.

To be honest, gentle reminders are another name for "mild nagging", but in a way, they are not invasive and it is clear to all - parents and kids - that the parents' agenda is being served.

It is very important to keep the reminders positive, otherwise the kids will do the opposite. Negative reminders reinforce the fact that the kids are not successful, incapable or not motivated and may involve a sarcastic spin. Sarcasm and negativity create fear and enlarge the gap between you and your kids, so stick to encouragement and support.

Tips

1. Anything you want your kids to do, try on yourself first. It will help you learn what goes on in their heads.
2. Avoid negative statements like "You promised!" Those trigger fear of disapproval, fear of failure, fear of criticism, guilt and shame.
3. Avoid name calling. This will trigger the same fears including fear of rejection.
4. Do not play the dark fortune teller - "You will end up losing all your friends", "You won't have any money left" or "You will regret this". Remember you are trying to help, not to force your kids to do what you think is best.
5. Use questions - "Dan, when did you say you were going to start your project?" or "What are your plans for the project?" Questions are a wonderful way to overcome resistance.
6. Sarcastic questions are not really questions. They are rude statements that mock the listener (read Parenting the Socrates Way (2) for more).
7. Remind your kids you are there to help - "Alex, if you need my help with your spelling words, just tell me when", "I am here to help" or "Do you need any help with your project?"
8. Remind your kids that the real reward is the final outcome and their own feeling of success and achievement.
9. If your kids do not succeed, let them know it is not the end of the world. Nothing is the end of the world (except the end of the world, of course). Every pain is temporary and there is always something we can do to feel better.
10. If your kids do not succeed, focus on how they feel (as opposed to how you feel). Ask them, "How do you feel about it?" or "What do you think you can do next time?" If they are very worried about what happened tell them, say, "There is no way for us to change what happened, be we can change what will happen in the future". Say it enough times and one day, your kids will start saying it to themselves.

To be continued…

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Beautiful Kids vs. Brutal Honesty

2 ways to boost your kids' creativity

Planning

Planning is a good skill for creative kids. It teaches them to be creative with their time management and be efficient with their tasks and ideas. One great way to teach kids to plan in a creative way is to teach them to ask who, what, how, where and when questions.

Planning is asking the right questions before we face the real challenge and requires thinking in a creative way. Considering possibilities is a great way to boost creativity and planning is a suitable platform to practice this. Bear in mind that kids may not be able to think of every possibility initially, but they will get better with time, guidance and practice.

Here are some examples of things you can help your kids plan and the questions they can ask:

1. Plan a budget - How much do I want to have? Until when? What for? How will I earn it? Who will help me? Where will I keep my money?
2. Plan a party - Who will I invite? When do I want the party to be? When should I send the invitations? How many kids can I invite? Where will the party be? What will be the theme of the party?
3. Plan a trip - Where do we want to go? For how long? When is the best time to go? What are we going to take with us? Who can we invite to join us? How much will it cost? What should we take with us?
4. Plan a dinner menu - How many people are coming? When are we going to sit down and eat? What do we need to buy ahead of time? What are we going to cook? Who will help? Where are we eating (dining room, balcony)?
5. Plan for shopping - What do we need to buy? When is the supermarket open? Who will go shopping? Where is the best place to buy meat/vegetables? How many loaves of bread do we need this week?

   

6. Plan to fix something in the house - What do we need to fix? Where is it? Where is the best place to start? How urgent it is? When is the best time to start? Who is going to help?
7. Plan the weekend - What do we want to do on the weekend? Who is already busy this weekend with other activities? Where can we go? When do we want to get up in the morning? How can we prepare ahead so we can get up later? What will the weather be like?
8. Plan play time when hosting a friend - Who am I going to invite to play? When? For how long? Where are we going to play? What are we going to play?
9. Plan to go camping - What do we need when it gets dark? Where is the flash light? How many meals? Who is coming? How many sleeping bags/plates/chairs do we need? How can we get everything into the car?
10. Plan what to wear to school tomorrow - What day of the week is tomorrow? What do I need to wear? Where can I put it? Who knows if my sports shirt is out of the laundry (no, it is not always Mom)?
11. Plan what to do in case of fire at home - How do I know there is fire? What do I need to pay attention to? Where do I need to go? Who do I need to call? How do I need to respond?
12. Plan what to do when getting lost in the mall - How can I tell I am lost? What do I do? Who (and how) should I call? Who is safe to approach for help? Where do I need to go?
13. Plan what to do when in danger - How do I know if I am in danger? What kinds of danger are there? Who do I need to stay away from? Who do I need to call for help (and how)? What can I do to stay safe? Where is it too dangerous to be?
14. Plan what to do when talking to a stranger - Who is a stranger? Who is not a stranger? Where (and when) is it safe to talk to people I do not know? What details should I never tell people I do not know? How can I keep myself safe from strangers?
15. Plan to bake - What do I want to bake? What do I need? Who is going to eat my cake/cookies? How long will it take? How long does it need to be in the oven? Where is the best place to put it in the oven? Who can help me? What is the first step? How to bake? When is it done?
16. Plan to cook - What do I want to cook? What do I need for cooking? Who is going to eat my food? How long will it take? Where is the best place on the stove to use? Who can help me? When is it done? What is the first step? Who is going to wash the dishes (tricky, this one)?

Humor

Humor is a great way to teach kids to be creative with their language. Humor has many benefits in children’s development, in the areas of academic success, social status, emotional growth and even health.

Research has found a correlation between kids’ sense of humor and their creativity. The ability to understand there is more than one meaning to words and expressions helps kids later on with problem solving.

Humor also helps kids socially. Research has found that kids' sense of humor helps them help others with their problems, making them better friends.

Here are some tips for developing your kids' sense of humor:

1. Use humor in conversation with your kids, tailoring the level to their understanding and adding a little at a time
2. Help your kids understand double meaning by discretely explaining
3. Help your young kids practice telling jokes. Be patient with them and eventually, they will succeed
4. Get books with jokes and riddles from the library and read with your kids
5. Expose your kids to funny poetry - this is usually a celebration of language
6. Watch comedy shows and movies with your kids, making sure the humor is appropriate for their age

Of course, all these recommendations are good for kids, but they can do wonders for their tense parents, too ;).

Join me next week for another 3 ideas to boost your kids' creativity.

Happy and creative parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Creative Kids (summary)
• Raising Grownups
• The Fun Incentive

Last week, I wrote about character traits of creative kids. If you want your kids to be successful in their life, you can help your kids develop these character traits. All you needs is a bit of creativity…

5 ways to boost creativity

Be curious about everything.  You never know when random, seemingly unrelated ideas will come together to form a new idea.

Encourage curiosity by answering questions

Teach your kids to be curious about everything. From an early stage of their life, try to answer all their questions. Even if they ask again and again, answer! If kids ask questions and get answers, they learn to trust their parents in different areas. Remember, every question is a good question and an opportunity for you to teach them something or give them your idea and interpretations of the situation.

Explore broken things

If you have something that is broken (tape, microphone, washing machine, skateboard…) and you want to throw it away, say instead, "I wonder how this thing is built from the inside", then sit with your kids and open it. Remember, you are going to throw it away anyway, so why not take advantage of the opportunity to examine the way it is built. Kids as young as 4 years old can participate. You only need to make sure they do not put any small items in their mouth. Give them a screw driver and teach them to unscrew parts of the thing. Teach them about different kinds of screws and screw drivers.

The first stage of exploring is taking apart. Later on, you can teach your kids to reassemble too - teach them to keep the screws and parts in such a way they will remember how to put everything back together.

Your kids do not need to become mechanics, but exploring will expose them to many things they cannot see otherwise and teach them about how things work on the inside.

Initiate cool projects

Give your kids cool projects to do. Your projects do not have to be related to school studies. On the contrary, it is better if they are not. Projects can teach kids to tackle an assignment in any way they like and will require them to research a new topic. Even kids as young as 5 or 6 years old can do projects, like organizing an afternoon activity with friends, inviting friends for a sleepover, planning a weekend outing and setting the table by themselves… If they treat each one as a "project", they will learn to take ownership and feel better about their achievements.

For older kids, you can give more independent projects, like planning a trip to another country, doing a family tree, doing a biography about a grandparent, designing and building a cubby house (please supervise the building) and redesigning back yard.

Bear in mind project skills develop over time, so at the beginning, your kids will come to you and ask for your help many times. Remember the first tip - answer their questions!

Let your kids be kids and play

Allow your kids to be kids and let them play as much as they want. Playing games is a wonderful way to learn, as long as the game is free and not restricted by Adultism (i.e. limited adult mindset - I just made this up). Teach your kids to color in and allow them to color outside the lines. Let them draw with chalk, play with putty/modeling clay/Plasticine/Playdough and build with Lego, even if they do not do everything right. In creativity, everything is right.

Take your kids to the playground and don't panic they use the equipment in a different way (like sliding face down). Take care of their safety, but encourage them to experiment without taking too many risks.

Post creativity inspiration

Post creativity inspirational writing to instill in your kids that creativity is a treasure. In this post, you can find some of them. You can print and paste them in visible places to encourage your kids to adopt them.

Join me next week for another 5 ways to boost your kids' creativity. Remember, to raise creative kids, you need to be a creative in your parenting style so all the tips and the ideas are relevant to your parenting style.

Creative parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Creative Kids (summary)
• Creative Kids (1)
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: School