Most parents find this annoying and challenging and resent their budding grownups for "bugging" them with their doubts and endless second-guessing. Those same parents typically frowned at them when they were 1 year old and walked around, pointing at things and asking, "What's this?" When they were 2 years old, their parents became frustrated that they wanted to do everything themselves, and when they were 4, the parents were upset because no matter what happened, they kept asking, "Why?"

But these tender ages, along with the rest of childhood, are a time of discovery, and questions keep our kids' mind sharp, teaching them about the world at their own pace and according to their own interests. In short, questions are good.

There are several types of questions, each with its own advantages and disadvantages, and all very useful in parenting and generally in life.

Open questions

These are useful for getting another person to speak and for getting more information. They often begin with the words what, why, when, who and how (collectively known as "WH Questions"), but they may also be presented as statements, such as "Tell me about..." or " Give me examples of..."

As parents of very young children, we may not always be able to use these questions, simply because our kids do not have the words to answer and describe what they want, feel and think. As they grow up, we need to pay attention to this and gradually ask more and more open questions to develop the kids' verbal expression.

Open questions inspire trust, because asking them is a sign of interest and respect. For example, when your child is late, asking the open question "What happened?" creates a safe conversation space and invites the child to share their story and possibly their feelings.

Closed questions

These questions require a yes or no answer and are useful for checking facts. They contain a statement on the part of the person asking and the only question is whether the other person agrees with that statement.

Closed questions (or "Yes/No Questions") can help us guess what very young children are trying to say and thus help them express themselves. However, when the child has to answer too many closed questions without "hitting the point", they will become frustrated.

Older children may view closed questions as an attempt to control the conversation, which they sometimes are. As parents, we should use these types of questions sparingly and check the assumptions we put into our questions carefully for any personal bias.

Closed questions are a great way to reach an agreement. By breaking up disagreements into parts and asking yes/no questions that solicit a positive answer, more and more common ground is established in preparation for the "little things" that remain to discuss.

Of course, when parental control is required, closed questions, such as "Do you understand?" may be in order, particularly to gain acknowledgement and avoid the later "Oh, I didn't know" routine.

Probing questions

These are used to determine facts, to verify understanding and get clarification. As human communication is widely open to interpretation, clarifying question are a great way to avoid jumping to conclusions.

I often hear people describe conversations they have had with someone that upset them and talk in generalizations. The questions "What exactly did he say?" or "What were her exact words?" help me help them reconsider their interpretation and feel better about the whole exchange.

After the second probing question, the other person may start to feel as though you are doubting them in some way or even suspecting them, because the conversation begins to seem like an interrogation, so use this type of questions only to clarify the important bits.

Hypothetical questions

Sometimes, we need to assess another person's abilities, preferences and limitations, but we cannot put them through an actual experience for some reason (too expensive, too risky, etc), like in an interview situation. With kids, we sometimes want to prepare them for the future in a safe environment and ensure they will do the right thing in a real situation.

Hypothetical questions, such as "What would you do if someone called you a bad name?" or "What would you do with a million dollars?" can help us achieve that. There is no risk and no cost involved in thinking about the answer, but the discovery process can help a lot.

As parents, we sometimes need to help our kids deal with anxiety about a new school, a new friend or some unknown situation ahead. We can break the situation into steps, ask, "What can you do if this happens?" and guide our child towards a confident way to respond, until the anxiety is gone.

Hypothetical questions should fit the child's age and experience. Also, dreaming is good, but to keep them focused on the present, remember to bring the conversation back to "What now?"

Reflective questions

When your kids (or anybody else, for that matter) have a strong emotion, they may be too focused on expressing it to notice what they are saying. By paraphrasing their statements and acknowledging their feelings in the form of questions, you are reflecting their words in a non-confrontational way and giving them a chance to deal with their emotions.

Reflective questions, such as "So are you saying you were hurt by what happened?" make the other person feel validated and accepted, because there is no judgment in the question. Sometimes, using more accurate words can make them feel even more deeply understood and supported by helping them understand their own feelings better ("you were hurt" instead of "I feel bad").

Be careful to reflect only things you have actually heard. Using information from other sources or taking a stand are not reflective and will likely cause the other person to clam up and feel even worse.

Leading questions

This type of questions is used to gain acceptance of your own view. If you say to someone, "You're going to be OK with this, right?" they may not like to disagree. You can also ask little understanding questions in the lead-up to presenting your "inevitable" conclusion.

When dealing with children, leading questions help them see the way you reason and gives them the confidence you know what you are doing. You can also use them to guide your kids in social situations towards the best way to express themselves, as in, "That was a really great dinner, wasn't it?"

The outcome of leading questions depends on where they lead, of course, and on the assumptions built into them, but they can be a powerful and gentle teaching method for you as a parent.

Questions that determine the answers

Ronit runs a presentation that demonstrates the danger in questions and the potential of using questions to manipulate. She displays a series of photographs of some real people and asks the audience to write down their answers to some questions. She then reveals the correct answers and the audience discovers just how biased their answers are.

But this is a deliberate exercise, in which the questions about the black man with the dark glasses are different from those about the young woman with the heavy makeup or the old man with the moustache.

In much the same way, reporters on TV pose pointy questions in their interviews, which children should learn to spot if they are ever to form their own opinion on the world. The modern world masquerades many manipulative statements in the form of questions and a good way to remain in control of our minds is to be aware of this and notice the effect it has on us.

Questions are good for parenting

Besides modeling questions for your kids, it is a good idea to encourage them to practice asking questions too by accepting their questions happily and providing good answers.

Questions are one of the main tools used in life coaching. Instead of giving the client advice, a life coach guides the client in exploring their own feelings and developing their own solution with questions, thus maintaining a professional position and ensuring the client's ownership of the solution. We believe that parents are their children's life coaches. Ask and you shall receive ... happy kids.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

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• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

The quality of our life is measured by the quality of our questions
- Ronit Baras

Eventually, every one of my clients asks me why I have chosen my particular educational path. To me, life coaching is "teaching happiness" or "teaching personal development", I present myself as an educator during my introduction sessions and along the way, my clients become fully aware of my educational philosophy, so they ask me why I have chosen this path.

As a special education teacher, I have been taught two contradicting theories. One of them says, "The key to success in life is cognitive intelligence (IQ) - People have a set intellectual potential and our aim as educators is to teach people how to reach that potential". The other says, "The key to success in life is emotional intelligence (EQ) - People have many talents, skills and abilities and our aim as educators is to teach people how to make the most of them".

On the surface, it seems you can use both and there is no major difference between them, but for me, there was a huge difference. When I thought about my job, I realized at a very early stage that using the IQ theory will limit me, because whenever I face challenges in teaching, I might say, "Well, maybe this student has reached their full potential and there is nothing more I can do for them". When I use the EQ theory, I can always say, "There is no limit to a person's potential. Let me just try another key to unlock their ability".

I explain the differences between the theories and their effect on my own success as a teacher and life coach, all the while making it clear that this was the way I have chosen. Still, I am always asked the question

Was it really the right choice?

Good question!

I think the struggle to make the right choices is at the heart of every learning process. In life, we get so many messages and so many of them are contradictory that most of us are confused, because we ask this question

Which choice is right?

And once we have made a choice, we wonder again if it really was the right one.

Recent research about the perception of truth has found that when we hear something three times or more, we tend to accept it as truth. Scary, no? During our lifetime, we receive an enormous number of messages more than three times and therefore, we are doomed to be confused. As an example, just take competing ads for similar products, like toothpaste, hand cream or frozen peas and you will know what I mean.

"Yes, yes, I know", you say, "But which is the right choice of educational philosophy? Is it IQ or EQ? Just tell us".

Well, personally, I have made a career out of the EQ theory and I am pretty good at it. I have managed to write successful educational programs, raise many gifted children around the world, enjoy the fruits of my belief with my own children, make a difference in the lives of many families.

But I do not have the answer to this question. Do you know why?

Because it does not matter! My choices should never matter to you! The only thing that matters is what you believe. None of the theories are right or wrong, they are only limiting or empowering to each person individually.

When IQ was telling me I have hit the limit and I should give up, EQ whispered "try one more time". I like having options, so the choice of EQ was easy for me. I know many others who like certainty in life and believing they know their limits makes them choose IQ.

Change your questions, change your life
- Marilee G. Adams

Whenever something happens to you in life, whenever you have to choose a path, whenever you have to find a solution, stop looking for the right choice and ask instead

Will this limit or empower me?

Which option empowers me the most?

It is as easy as changing the question.

Welcome to your new life!
Ronit

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When kids pursue their desires, whether they allow you to motivate them or not, they face difficulties and may be discouraged many time along the way. In fact, every unsuccessful event may cause them to give up. Their natural reaction may not be "I should try something else" but "Maybe this is not important enough to me". After all, they are just kids and this is a natural reaction for most people.

Giving up is a reaction to something that is seen as "too hard". Your job as a parent is to help your kids develop a "can do" attitude and not even consider the "other" option (giving up).

If you want to help your kids develop a "can do" attitude, you must be a "can do" person yourself. Role-modeling is always the best approach and it makes you an inspiring person for the little people around you.

The great thing about the "Gentle Reminder" technique is that you can use it even when your kids have not given you permission to motivate them. This motivation is not as strong as some others, but it is as effective if done enough times. All you do is bring up the topics you would like to encourage your kids on.

Be a role model

Ask yourself these questions:

1. In which areas can you be an inspiration to your kids?
2. Where in your life have you achieved or overcome something with a "can do" attitude?
3. Have you told your kids about your successes?

Tips

1. Realize that some areas in life are easier for you to inspire in.
2. In areas where you are not a good model, find someone else to provide the encouragement. For example, divorced parents have a real challenge motivating their kids towards forming good long-term relationships, but may be able to turn to grandparents who have been together for ages.
3. Find opportunities to tell your kids about what you have experienced, both good and bad, that brought you to where you are now.
4. When you tell about yourself, do not ask for permission like, "Can I tell you about something that happened to me?" Instead, say, "This reminds me of…", "You know, when I was 6…" or "I want to tell you a story… " My kids love stories, so when I say I have a story, they are happy to listen.

To be honest, gentle reminders are another name for "mild nagging", but in a way, they are not invasive and it is clear to all - parents and kids - that the parents' agenda is being served.

It is very important to keep the reminders positive, otherwise the kids will do the opposite. Negative reminders reinforce the fact that the kids are not successful, incapable or not motivated and may involve a sarcastic spin. Sarcasm and negativity create fear and enlarge the gap between you and your kids, so stick to encouragement and support.

Tips

1. Anything you want your kids to do, try on yourself first. It will help you learn what goes on in their heads.
2. Avoid negative statements like "You promised!" Those trigger fear of disapproval, fear of failure, fear of criticism, guilt and shame.
3. Avoid name calling. This will trigger the same fears including fear of rejection.
4. Do not play the dark fortune teller - "You will end up losing all your friends", "You won't have any money left" or "You will regret this". Remember you are trying to help, not to force your kids to do what you think is best.
5. Use questions - "Dan, when did you say you were going to start your project?" or "What are your plans for the project?" Questions are a wonderful way to overcome resistance.
6. Sarcastic questions are not really questions. They are rude statements that mock the listener (read Parenting the Socrates Way (2) for more).
7. Remind your kids you are there to help - "Alex, if you need my help with your spelling words, just tell me when", "I am here to help" or "Do you need any help with your project?"
8. Remind your kids that the real reward is the final outcome and their own feeling of success and achievement.
9. If your kids do not succeed, let them know it is not the end of the world. Nothing is the end of the world (except the end of the world, of course). Every pain is temporary and there is always something we can do to feel better.
10. If your kids do not succeed, focus on how they feel (as opposed to how you feel). Ask them, "How do you feel about it?" or "What do you think you can do next time?" If they are very worried about what happened tell them, say, "There is no way for us to change what happened, be we can change what will happen in the future". Say it enough times and one day, your kids will start saying it to themselves.

To be continued…

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Beautiful Kids vs. Brutal Honesty
• I Believe in You (4): The letters

2 ways to boost your kids' creativity

Planning

Planning is a good skill for creative kids. It teaches them to be creative with their time management and be efficient with their tasks and ideas. One great way to teach kids to plan in a creative way is to teach them to ask who, what, how, where and when questions.

Planning is asking the right questions before we face the real challenge and requires thinking in a creative way. Considering possibilities is a great way to boost creativity and planning is a suitable platform to practice this. Bear in mind that kids may not be able to think of every possibility initially, but they will get better with time, guidance and practice.

Here are some examples of things you can help your kids plan and the questions they can ask:

1. Plan a budget - How much do I want to have? Until when? What for? How will I earn it? Who will help me? Where will I keep my money?
2. Plan a party - Who will I invite? When do I want the party to be? When should I send the invitations? How many kids can I invite? Where will the party be? What will be the theme of the party?
3. Plan a trip - Where do we want to go? For how long? When is the best time to go? What are we going to take with us? Who can we invite to join us? How much will it cost? What should we take with us?
4. Plan a dinner menu - How many people are coming? When are we going to sit down and eat? What do we need to buy ahead of time? What are we going to cook? Who will help? Where are we eating (dining room, balcony)?
5. Plan for shopping - What do we need to buy? When is the supermarket open? Who will go shopping? Where is the best place to buy meat/vegetables? How many loaves of bread do we need this week?

   

6. Plan to fix something in the house - What do we need to fix? Where is it? Where is the best place to start? How urgent it is? When is the best time to start? Who is going to help?
7. Plan the weekend - What do we want to do on the weekend? Who is already busy this weekend with other activities? Where can we go? When do we want to get up in the morning? How can we prepare ahead so we can get up later? What will the weather be like?
8. Plan play time when hosting a friend - Who am I going to invite to play? When? For how long? Where are we going to play? What are we going to play?
9. Plan to go camping - What do we need when it gets dark? Where is the flash light? How many meals? Who is coming? How many sleeping bags/plates/chairs do we need? How can we get everything into the car?
10. Plan what to wear to school tomorrow - What day of the week is tomorrow? What do I need to wear? Where can I put it? Who knows if my sports shirt is out of the laundry (no, it is not always Mom)?
11. Plan what to do in case of fire at home - How do I know there is fire? What do I need to pay attention to? Where do I need to go? Who do I need to call? How do I need to respond?
12. Plan what to do when getting lost in the mall - How can I tell I am lost? What do I do? Who (and how) should I call? Who is safe to approach for help? Where do I need to go?
13. Plan what to do when in danger - How do I know if I am in danger? What kinds of danger are there? Who do I need to stay away from? Who do I need to call for help (and how)? What can I do to stay safe? Where is it too dangerous to be?
14. Plan what to do when talking to a stranger - Who is a stranger? Who is not a stranger? Where (and when) is it safe to talk to people I do not know? What details should I never tell people I do not know? How can I keep myself safe from strangers?
15. Plan to bake - What do I want to bake? What do I need? Who is going to eat my cake/cookies? How long will it take? How long does it need to be in the oven? Where is the best place to put it in the oven? Who can help me? What is the first step? How to bake? When is it done?
16. Plan to cook - What do I want to cook? What do I need for cooking? Who is going to eat my food? How long will it take? Where is the best place on the stove to use? Who can help me? When is it done? What is the first step? Who is going to wash the dishes (tricky, this one)?

Humor

Humor is a great way to teach kids to be creative with their language. Humor has many benefits in children’s development, in the areas of academic success, social status, emotional growth and even health.

Research has found a correlation between kids’ sense of humor and their creativity. The ability to understand there is more than one meaning to words and expressions helps kids later on with problem solving.

Humor also helps kids socially. Research has found that kids' sense of humor helps them help others with their problems, making them better friends.

Here are some tips for developing your kids' sense of humor:

1. Use humor in conversation with your kids, tailoring the level to their understanding and adding a little at a time
2. Help your kids understand double meaning by discretely explaining
3. Help your young kids practice telling jokes. Be patient with them and eventually, they will succeed
4. Get books with jokes and riddles from the library and read with your kids
5. Expose your kids to funny poetry - this is usually a celebration of language
6. Watch comedy shows and movies with your kids, making sure the humor is appropriate for their age

Of course, all these recommendations are good for kids, but they can do wonders for their tense parents, too ;).

Join me next week for another 3 ideas to boost your kids' creativity.

Happy and creative parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Creative Kids (summary)
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• The Fun Incentive

Last week, I wrote about character traits of creative kids. If you want your kids to be successful in their life, you can help your kids develop these character traits. All you needs is a bit of creativity…

5 ways to boost creativity

Be curious about everything.  You never know when random, seemingly unrelated ideas will come together to form a new idea.

Encourage curiosity by answering questions

Teach your kids to be curious about everything. From an early stage of their life, try to answer all their questions. Even if they ask again and again, answer! If kids ask questions and get answers, they learn to trust their parents in different areas. Remember, every question is a good question and an opportunity for you to teach them something or give them your idea and interpretations of the situation.

Explore broken things

If you have something that is broken (tape, microphone, washing machine, skateboard…) and you want to throw it away, say instead, "I wonder how this thing is built from the inside", then sit with your kids and open it. Remember, you are going to throw it away anyway, so why not take advantage of the opportunity to examine the way it is built. Kids as young as 4 years old can participate. You only need to make sure they do not put any small items in their mouth. Give them a screw driver and teach them to unscrew parts of the thing. Teach them about different kinds of screws and screw drivers.

The first stage of exploring is taking apart. Later on, you can teach your kids to reassemble too - teach them to keep the screws and parts in such a way they will remember how to put everything back together.

Your kids do not need to become mechanics, but exploring will expose them to many things they cannot see otherwise and teach them about how things work on the inside.

Initiate cool projects

Give your kids cool projects to do. Your projects do not have to be related to school studies. On the contrary, it is better if they are not. Projects can teach kids to tackle an assignment in any way they like and will require them to research a new topic. Even kids as young as 5 or 6 years old can do projects, like organizing an afternoon activity with friends, inviting friends for a sleepover, planning a weekend outing and setting the table by themselves… If they treat each one as a "project", they will learn to take ownership and feel better about their achievements.

For older kids, you can give more independent projects, like planning a trip to another country, doing a family tree, doing a biography about a grandparent, designing and building a cubby house (please supervise the building) and redesigning back yard.

Bear in mind project skills develop over time, so at the beginning, your kids will come to you and ask for your help many times. Remember the first tip - answer their questions!

Let your kids be kids and play

Allow your kids to be kids and let them play as much as they want. Playing games is a wonderful way to learn, as long as the game is free and not restricted by Adultism (i.e. limited adult mindset - I just made this up). Teach your kids to color in and allow them to color outside the lines. Let them draw with chalk, play with putty/modeling clay/Plasticine/Playdough and build with Lego, even if they do not do everything right. In creativity, everything is right.

Take your kids to the playground and don't panic they use the equipment in a different way (like sliding face down). Take care of their safety, but encourage them to experiment without taking too many risks.

Post creativity inspiration

Post creativity inspirational writing to instill in your kids that creativity is a treasure. In this post, you can find some of them. You can print and paste them in visible places to encourage your kids to adopt them.

Join me next week for another 5 ways to boost your kids' creativity. Remember, to raise creative kids, you need to be a creative in your parenting style so all the tips and the ideas are relevant to your parenting style.

Creative parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Creative Kids (summary)
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