This got me thinking that many parents raise their kids to be competitive or to strive for perfection, not realizing there was a third alternative, which helps the kids build their self-esteem and lead a relaxed and happy life. So I wanted to share with you my take on all 3 options and what you can do for your kids through your parenting and personal example.

Competition

Competitive people compare themselves with others all the time. Am I as pretty as Betty? Am I as strong as Josh? Am I as smart as Clarissa? Can I draw as well as Billy?

When they seem to be better than their object of comparison, they are happy, but when the other person seems to be better, they are miserable. Their mood is determined by their choice of competitors, their choice of comparison area and sometimes just by circumstances.

The problem with being competitive is that in a world of 7 billion people, it is very easy to find someone who is better than us, no matter what we are comparing. In fact, whenever we move, change schools, change jobs or just meet new people, there is a chance we will find even more people who are better than we are.

Because we all have different starting point, which we cannot change, any comparison with a taller person on rebounds, with someone who was born in China on fluency in Mandarin or with the Jarawas of Andaman Islands (supposedly the darkest in the world) on tan is simply futile. Likewise, racing someone who is built better and goes through similar training or comparing musical compositions with someone who is naturally gifted in that area are hopeless exercises.

The inevitable result of being competitive is the feeling of failure more often than now and the loss of self-esteem.

I was lucky enough to realize this when I was a child. I noticed that some of my friends were always faster than me, some always jumped higher than I did, some could paint better and some got better grades than I did. In most cases, those other kids were better than me at just one thing or just in one area, but some (and it was harder accepting those) were both smarter and faster than me (and one of them was also more friendly).

To help myself accept that others were better, I noted they were also worse at other things, sometimes had real problems and often were not as good as someone else. For example, while at a Scouts gathering, I noticed some kids picking on our class genius. I came to his aid and as the others went away, I walked towards him to find out if he was OK. He kicked me in the shin. Hard. I hurt like hell. So I figured there were areas in which he was not so smart after all, like the social area.

Mainly, competition is a kind of external focus, a focus on other people, which leaves our self-esteem in their hands. Not so good.

Perfectionism

Whereas competitive people look at others, perfectionists compare themselves against imaginary standards. While some rules are written clearly and are the same for everyone, perfection is a personal matter and a perfectionist's rules of how things should be are typically not written anywhere or accepted by anyone else.

The most common word used by perfectionists is "should". The second most common word used by perfectionists is "must". Perfectionists accept the standards that govern their world so wholeheartedly they never question them.

The problem with perfection is that it is not achievable. It is impossible to do everything right all the time, even in specific areas. We are sometimes tired, hungry, sick and upset. Sometimes, we are faced with problems without the knowledge or skills to solve them. Sometimes, things are in conflict so that doing one thing perfectly means messing up the other one, like climbing the corporate ladder and spending more time with the kids.

Anyone being assessed by a perfectionist is likely to feel belittled and abused, mainly because perfectionists assume "everybody" knows their rules and spend no time whatsoever agreeing with others how they should be measured. In fact, they do not get permission to give their assessment. They just give it.

This invariably leads to an ongoing feeling of frustration, low self-esteem, stress, bad health and loss of friends.

Who, me?

Any competitive sport involves competition, but it does not make the kids competitive.

I coached a boys' basketball for 2 years in a club that had 2 teams. One team was super-competitive. The coach only played the good players, gave the boys feedback based on their performance on the court and talked mainly about the score. The parents of the boys on his team valued the same things.

My team was made up of the sons of parents who just wanted their kids to have fun playing basketball. We played the same game, had the same time to practice and played against the other team many times, but those parents cheered when their children got to play, no matter how well they did, and showered them with praise, no whatever the score.

Hand on heart: which team are you on as a parent?

Not surprisingly, the boys on my team often won games because 5 players always trump a single good athlete, they worked hard at practice, had a good time and our families became close off court.

Also not surprisingly, the boys on the other team were grumpy, the parents complained about how little their sons played and each family walked in a different direction as soon as the game was over.

Now, which team would you like to be on?

When it comes to academic studies, music tuition and dance lessons, there is competition too, but the main aim is some absolute score, like the end-of-year grades at school, the music competence level (AMEB in Australia, ABRSM in other places) and the level-based group in which the child dances.

Many parents track their kids' results closely and subject them to extra tuition and extra pressure when they do not meet the parents' expectations (which the parents often frame as "being good enough"). As a result, their kids feel as though they serve their parents' agenda and their self-esteem drops. Because there is always the next level, they never feel good enough.

Other parents allow and even encourage their kids to play, explore and participate. No matter how well their children score on an activity, they are mostly interested in the personal learning and excitement the activity has given them. As a result, their kids feel appreciated, loved and confident.

Which is closer to your parenting style?

Feeling bad?

If you have realized a thing or two above, and you are planning to beat yourself over them, please stop. Remember your parents never read this. If you are a competitive parent, please remember you are reading this alone. If you are a perfectionist, please remember that everything you have read is just my opinion.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know Ronit and I believe that happy parents raise happy kids. Our philosophy is that you always do the best you can and reading our parenting tips gives you a chance to do things differently by first changing your own feelings and perception and then affecting your kids mainly by being a role model.

I may not have been a competitive child, but I was certainly a perfectionist. On a scale of 0-100, if I brought home an exam paper with "95" on it, I would be asked, "Why not 100?" The question was asked jokingly, as if it was obvious the grades were good, but as a child, I did not know that. Without hearing, "You've done well, son. We're proud of you", I could not say it to myself even years later, so I felt I was not good enough.

May parents meant well. Education was a high value in our home, as was integrity. My 3 sisters have all done very well academically and professionally as a result. But because they were not aware of the consequences of their words and because they themselves did not feel they were good enough (this week, I recalled my grandfather's criticism of my dad and that point really sank in), I grew up to be a perfectionist.

So please start by forgiving yourself for anything you may have done "wrong". Let go of the past and accept it as your own personal starting point, along with your genetic makeup. Growing up in a competitive environment triggered your competitive genes. Being raised by perfectionists activated your perfectionist chromosomes. That was in the past.

Today, you can adopt a new philosophy.

Measuring Personal Progress for Happiness

Brian Tracy is famous sales guru who got me unstuck with this simple method (and I am paraphrasing):

Every day, determine to improve just a little. All you have to do is take a small step forward from where you are right now. Compounding will do the rest

You see, if you take $100 and add 1% a day to it, in 100 days it will become not $200 but more than $270 with compounding. In 1,000 days, instead of $1,100, it will become $2,095,916!

A competitive person will check how others are doing and feel miserable if they have more. A perfectionist will start by aiming at $2,095,916 and spend 999 days feeling bad about not achieving that goal. A person who measures personal progress will start from wherever he or she is right now and keep moving steadily forward and being happy 1,000 days for what little progress he or she made.

Because we all start from a different place, measuring progress works for everyone. It is always relative to US. Because the progress each of us can make is different, measuring our progress in the context of our life works for everyone.

When I got this, I felt huge relief and my happiness grew every day. Now, even on the days with the worst pressure, when things drop on me through email and phone and mess up all my beautiful plans, I take a deep breath and say, "I will do what I can today and I will make progress. It will all add up to big results over time".

And my kids have felt it too. My relief affected them bit by bit, until it compounded to more closeness, more openness, more self-esteem and more happiness. I applied the same method to building my relationships with them and it worked there too. Every day, I tried to do something different - more softly, more clearly, more lovingly and sometimes more firmly.

Maybe there are better parents than me out there. Who cares? Maybe I am not the perfect father. Who cares? I am making progress and I am happy.

How about you?

Happy parenting,
Gal

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• Winners vs. Whiners
• The Mean Average

During the camp, I noticed the kids did not display a sense of pride in themselves. They talked freely about being proud of a team they admired in sport, but had quite a different attitude towards being proud of themselves, their family or their class.

I discovered the difficulty of the "pride" feeling at a very early stage, when I asked each of the kids to introduce themselves and then to tell the group something about themselves they were proud of. Everyone, kids and adults, looked at me in surprise.

Recognizing my own feelings is the basic level of emotional intelligence, so I thought that when we address leadership, recognizing things I am good at as a starter would be a good way for the kids to start appreciating their strengths. I was not surprised to see how much easier it was for kids (and grownups) to talk about things they were not proud of, as if they had practiced those so much they came to them naturally.

Most of the kids struggled with the idea of being proud. I pushed them by giving an example. I said, "I'm Ronit (we were still getting to know one another) and I'm very proud of myself for organizing this camp". Some shy kids said hesitantly they were proud of themselves for having been chosen to be in this camp, but most of them said they did not know what to say. They used words like "boasting" and "bragging", being "full of themselves" and "arrogant" as the reasons they could not find anything they were proud of.

So when the kids were reading their letters and Beth said she preferred Jessica to read her letter because it was embarrassing to read aloud good things about herself, I decided to discuss pride with the kids.

"It's like I'm bragging", Beth said.

"Why is it like bragging?" I asked her.

"I don't know", said Beth, "It's like I'm showing off that my mother loves me".

"What is showing off?" I asked and pointed my question at the other students.

"It's when you make someone feel bad", said someone.

"No, it's not", said someone else, "Why would anyone feel bad if Beth's mom loves her?"

"Some people may feel bad if their mom didn't say she loved them", suggested another child.

"But it's not Beth's fault", was the answer.

"But this is the truth. Beth's mom wrote her a love letter and Beth is very happy. I think she can share it", said another student.

I asked them, "If you're proud and happy that your mom loves you, is that bragging?"

"Yes".

"No".

"You can be proud, but you don’t have to talk about it".

"Why not?"

"In case someone feels bad".

"It's not fair. It means I can't say anything good about myself, in case someone else feels bad".

I said, "That means I cannot be proud of myself for organizing this camp".

"You can", said someone, "Because it doesn't say anything bad about anyone else".

We continued this discussion for a while, until the kids concluded that saying something good about yourself and at the same time saying something bad about someone else was being "full of yourself" and "bragging", but saying something good about yourself without mention of others was being proud.

One compromise was to call it "sharing". If you share something good someone says about you it is not completely bragging and because (Thank Goodness!) they all had love letters, no one would feel bad hearing other students' love letters from their parents.

As the kids read some of their letters, I knew there was lots of work I still needed to do. Derek Brady, the school principal who attended the first camp and some of the second camp, told the kids he had won a very special award and that even he felt uncomfortable talking about it for fear someone might think he was being arrogant, but he said that during camp, he had realized it was OK to be proud and say good things about yourself and that leaders needed to learn to accept compliments from others.

We were in the small room for a while. Kids read their letters in turns, but kept reading their own letters to themselves over and over again. It was very late, so I told the students to go to bed and instead of a good night sleep, I went to each room and told them about my family ceremony every night.

"Before we go to bed, we ask ourselves two questions, 'What was a special thing that happened to me today?' and 'What am I proud of today?'" I gave them time to think and they all gave me their answers with confidence. Compared to what they had said in the morning, their answers were amazingly different. While in the morning they had tried to convince me that being proud was bragging, each of them came up with something great to say at night.

"I'm proud of myself for sleeping away from home".

"I'm proud of myself for sharing my letter".

"I'm proud to be my dad's son".

"I'm proud to be part of this camp".

"I'm proud of making new friends".

"I'm proud of myself for making the Athletics team" (there was someone in every room who was proud of winning in sport or going up a level).

"I'm proud of being a good brother to my sister".

"I'm proud of being a good student".

"I'm proud of helping my mom with my baby sister".

"I'm proud that I speak to my parents in another language".

"I'm proud of my family".

Only 12 hours had passed since the morning when I asked the kids to say things they were proud of and already they told me with confident, happy smiles a huge list of things they were proud of. Only 12 hours … and a letter.

People tell me it takes years to make a change. I say it takes hours and with the right guidance, we can make a huge difference.

Next week, I will share some of the letters I got from parents for their kids at camp to help you understand how valuable this experience was (and can be for you).

Until next week, happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• I Believe in You (4): The letters
• I Believe in You (2): The kids
• I Believe in You (1): The parents

Last week, on Saturday, our 9-year-old daughter Noff got up and stood next to the radiator. She was feeling cold and while we prepared breakfast, she brought the radiator next to the dining table and stood next to it, refusing to move. While we were setting the table, she peeked under the dining table, looked at the radiator and said in a triumphant voice, "I have an idea!"

We all looked at her and asked, "What is it?"

She turned to Tsoof, who was standing next to her and said to him, "Lift the table".

We did not know where this was going and Tsoof asked her, "What do you want to do?" but she kept saying, "Just lift the table".

As he lifted the table and she slid the radiator under it.

"That's it. Now, we'll have a warm breakfast", she said, smiling proudly.

We were not sure exactly what will happen, but we smiled with her.

It was amazingly warm under the table. Even the food tasted better while our legs were warm. We had breakfast for over 2 hours, not wanting to get up.

Since then, I keep thinking we have lived in this house for 7 years, which is 3 months of 7 winters. Multiply that by the number of dinners (because we always have dinners together) and weekend breakfasts (because we always, always have breakfast together on the weekend) and you will come up with just over 800 opportunities to think of this idea, yet we never had!

Noff was another proof for the Jewish proverb:

A child's simple sense is a kind of wisdom

May you learn from your kids as much as they learn from you.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• I believe in you (3): Being Proud
• TV Diet (16): Healthy Alternatives
• Motivating Kids (18)

But for me, The Karate Kid was a total let down. Sure, I saw the old Mister Miyagi movies when I was younger, but that would not explain some of the things that bothered me. Maybe I will just start listing them and you will see why.

The obvious things were the (mostly) bad/stereotypical acting and the many holes in the story. What happened around the death of the kid's dad? What kind of work did the mother do? Why did she choose to move to China and tell her son "We have nothing left there (in the US). This (china) is 'home' now"?

But the previous Karate Kids were not much better, so never mind that.

America Rules the Seas

The movie is called "Karate Kid", implying the Japanese martial art, yet it is set in China and shows Kung Fu, the Chinese martial art. If I found either Karate or Kung Fu to be an important part of my life and my tradition, I would feel offended by this, even if I fully understood the marketing incentive. I guess if the main market is made up of Americans, who cares about those other billion and a half people?

But what the Americans should probably consider is that their kids will just get more mixed up between "all those Asians" by this, which may not be great for world harmony (or neighborhood harmony, for that matter).

In two of the previous installments, American kids were the bad guys. In another one, it was the Japanese. This time, many of the Chinese people, including kids, were shown as loud, arrogant and downright cruel. The level of beating poor little Dre receives is so severe it is hard to watch.

What kind of impression will western kids get out of this brutality? Will many of them go "Yippee!" when their parents suggest they might travel to China? Will they do their best to make friends with the next door neighbors, whose eyes are a bit slanted like the kids' eyes in the movie?

At the end of the movie, the "Karate Kid" whoops the Chinese's butt at their own national and traditional martial art, having had only a month to practice with the maintenance man. America 1, China nil. 3,000 years of practice and one gentle American kid with braided hair comes along and wins - on the big screen, too.

I believe kids may get a number of disturbing beliefs out of this particular aspect:

1. You can be smaller, weaker, inexperienced, have a broken leg, pain in your ribs and only 1 month of training, but still beat someone who is bigger, stronger, fitter, unhurt and has at least 8 years of practice. I would like to see you try convincing someone with this belief to do their Math homework or practice their piano
2. You can stare at a woman controlling Chi in front of a snake for 2 minutes and be able to summon that ability to control another person without ever practicing it or learning how it works ("Clear your mind" hardly qualifies as learning)
3. Beating someone in a fight is the only way to stop being afraid of them

As the state coordinator for Together for Humanity, Ronit often presents racism statistics at conferences and schools. Alarmingly, way too many Australia kids believe that Asians are drug dealers and that they cannot be trusted. I have a feeling that movies like The Karate Kid might be contributing to this image.

The jump from seeing Chinese people as bad and/or inferior and seeing anyone who is not white American that way is very short. Unfortunately, it can also be leveraged for significant operations. Make no mistake, what children are exposed to when they are young, they retain most strongly and question least.

Bad Parenting 101

The mother in the film loves her son, but she is very powerless, motivated by guilt and quite irresponsible.

Dre landed in China not only ignorant but also resentful, which means he was not going to learn in a hurry. In some places, that can be dangerous. Oh, wait, it WAS.

If I were taking my son to another country, I would do some preparation. Language is not the most important thing to learn, because kids pick it up in no time (Eden started speaking English in 6 weeks and became a native speaker in a few months). However, the customs and culture of China are very difficult from those of urban United States, so I would make sure my child knew some basics - family structure, basic signs of respect and disrespect and important values.

The girl Dre likes tells him she is listening to Bach, so he says he knows about this band and he likes them. This scene alone, no matter how funny it was meant to be, shows him to be both ignorant and dishonest, while making those things seem acceptable.

Dre gets into all sorts of trouble, spends time with a previously-unfamiliar Chinese man (can you be any more of a "stranger" than that?) and becomes a fearless Kung Fu fighter while keeping his mother almost completely out of it. When he gets beaten and thrown around, he just puts on some makeup in the morning and drops his hat a bit lower.

What?!

My son can mope for all of 10 seconds before I know it and ask him about it. If he says, "It's nothing", I do not just let it go. I stick with it until I know he will be fine. There is no way known my son will get beaten up by somebody and not tell me about it as soon as he got home. In fact, he will mostly likely ring me from the school's office or the mobile phone on one of his friends even sooner.

Dre is 12 years old (yeah, right) and struggling to be accepted by the students at his school. When his mother drops him off, she calls out after him, "I love you", which makes him cringe, turn around and hiss, "Mom!" But she just keeps insisting on getting a loving answer from him right in front of everybody. Sure, let the kid get himself punched senseless, as long as he loves you.

Finally, what kind of a mother says it is OK for her son to participate in a martial arts competition with only a month's preparation? She sits in the audience and does absolutely nothing when he gets hurt, allowing him to make up his own mind if he wants to fight some more.

There are always peaceful ways to resolve conflict, even if they involve moving your child to another school with a longer commute. There are always grownups responsible for children and they can be reasoned with. There are always reasons behind people's actions and they can always be discovered and addressed. Letting your child go into a situation that endangers his life is unforgivable.

The Good Things

OK, that was the bad stuff, but what about the good stuff and what can you do if your kids really want to watch The Karate Kid?

Well, it must have been cheaper to make the film in China, but as a side effect, we got to see some really beautiful Chinese landscape, architecture and lifestyle. Our family has been to China, but we had not been to some of the gorgeous places shown in the film.

The other side effect is that many Chinese people - actors and film crew - must have been employed in this production, demonstrating that cross-cultural collaborations can work quite well.

One particular plus for me was how Jaden Smith trained to become strong, flexible and quick enough for this part. His training was shown during the credits and it must have been tough.

I think Will Smith (and Jada Pinkett Smith) created a rare opportunity for their son that very few kids ever have - to play the lead role in a movie that pretty much everyone will see. It can be difficult for such a young person to carry the film on his shoulders, but there were pictures of them being there with him and remaining his parents throughout this experience.

We have a good friend who is a gender equality expert, so for her sake, I will also say that showing Dre putting on makeup, which is not typically a masculine thing to do, could be seen as a message that it is OK for boys to use makeup when they need to.

Finally, Jackie Chan's style of screen fighting always involves the least amount of hurting other people. In all his films that I have seen, he never attacks anyone and when attacked, he does his best to avoid the fight and use every means to end it without damage. His character, apart from being unable to get himself out of depression, is true to the spirit of martial arts and seems full of respect for his own culture and its traditions.

What to do if your kids have seen The Karate Kid

After the movie, I asked everybody what they thought about it and then shared with them some of the things I have written above.

I believe there is no way to isolate our kids completely from things that are bad for them. We can keep them out of harm's way, but often, our job is to use whatever happens as a growing opportunity for them.

So now my kids know what I think about The Karate Kid and that if we were ever in similar situations, I would prepare them, help them find peaceful solutions to any problems and support them while they learned the ropes.

And when I got a bit too serious with the parenting talk, Ronit said, "You guys know it's just a movie, right?"

Happy parenting,
Gal

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• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Discipline in Question
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"Why do you want her to brush her teeth?" I asked.

"Because I want them to be healthy", she said.

As a mother, I would have answered exactly the same way, but I have since read about research on the benefits of having white teeth and there is more to it.

Parents want the best for their kids. We all know how important it is to brush our teeth in the morning and in the evening in order to keep germs away and avoid cavities and pain, not to mention large dental bills. But did you know that having white teeth can do a lot not just for your kids' health, but also for their psychology and their level of success in life?

Well, when people smile, showing a full set of white teeth, it can be seen up to 200 meters. Whether we like the idea or not, people associate white teeth with success. I would want my kids to know that, together with the health benefits of taking care of your teeth.

Research done in 2007 on the impact of whiter teeth on job acquisition and relationships found that people who have whiter teeth have an advantage at finding both jobs and love. In the experiment, most of the participants thought that a person's appearance was an indicator of their success. Participants thought that people who looked good were more trustworthy, more professional and more successful financially.

According to this research:

• 68% of people consider personal appearance an indication of professional success
• 64% see personal appearance as an indication of financial success
• 52% believe that personal appearance is an indication of being trustworthy

The researcher wanted to know if teeth whitening had an impact on applicants' success at job interviews. All the participants went through two separate interviews and used a home whitening product between their first and the second interview. Each interview was conducted by a different person.

After participants' teeth had been whitened, 58% more were hired, 53% received higher salary offers, 65% were viewed as more professional, and 61% were viewed as more confident.

Another study about first impressions sent participants on first dates before and after whitening their teeth and interviewed their partners. After whitening their teeth, 59% were viewed as more outgoing and 54% were more likely to go on another date with the same partner and perhaps have a relationship.

When I read about this research, I wondered whether having white teeth makes people behave differently or people just view it that way. Then I decided that either way, it definitely gives you an advantage.

I have found a video about the research for your viewing convenience.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Although having white teeth has nothing to do with having clean teeth, neglected teeth with holes or fillings and teeth with cigarette, coffee and/or red wine stains can get in the way of our success in life.

So now, when you see someone with teeth stained in yellow, brown or black, you can point them out to your kids and say, "See this person? It's a lot harder for them to find a job or a date because", because now you can back this up with research results. If you want your kids to be viewed as being more confident, besides explaining the health benefits of brushing their teeth and going for regular dentist checkups, tell them the psychological and financial benefits of being perceived as trustworthy and successful.

I wonder if our kids measure our success and trustworthiness by looking at our teeth too. Just in case, I think I will brush my teeth three times today…

Happy parenting,
Ronit

Important notes

I believe that people perceive themselves and others based on looks and smiles, but:

1. The study mentioned above was funded for the company that makes the whitening strips and was based on simulated interviews and dates.
2. I get absolutely nothing from them (would have been nice, but no).
3. Whitening your teeth involves chemicals that oxidize your teeth and may weaken them a tiny bit at a time, so please use common sense and professional advice before doing it.
4. Personally, I would avoid whitening kids' teeth. I would just encourage them to clean well.

You may want to read

• Money for Nothing
• Help
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money

So what should we do? Should we parent our kids differently if they are boys or girls or should we treat them just the same?

Research on people's attitude towards boys and girls has found that parents and adults generally treat boys and girls differently even when they are just babies. In a famous research done with a group of babies that were dressed in pink or blue (without any relation to their real gender) the researchers discovered that the pink babies (presumably the girls) were picked up more by the adults and received more eye contact than the blue babies (presumably the boys).

How do you think this translates to parenting?

Well, I decided to ask the Top Parenting Bloggers about their attitude towards parenting boys vs. girls. As usual, it was very interesting to read their comments.

What, if any, are the differences between parenting boys and girls?

Richard "RJ" Jaramillo - Single Dad Fathers shape daughters and mothers shape sons. These relationships carry a lot of responsibility and every parent should know how much they will make a difference on how their children will be in the future.

Sue Scheff - Sue Scheff Blog This is an interesting question since you can quiz a variety of parents and each will have a different answer. For me, my daughter was easier as a child through elementary, while my son was very difficult to keep entertained, but as teenage years came around, my daughter was a handful and my son was fantastic. I think the differences are personal and vary within each unique family.

Susan Heim - Susan Heim on Parenting As a mother of four boys, I can tell you that it's constant chaos. While girls are quietly coloring at a table, boys are running around the room and trying to tackle one another. Of course, there are calm boys and active girls, but for the most part, they're very different. Boys and girls learn, play, and act differently, and it's important for educators and parents to recognize these differences and adapt to them. Often, boys are labeled naughty when they're just doing what boys are genetically programmed to do!

Annie Fox, M.Ed. - From the desk of Annie Fox The differences in our parenting approaches to each of them come from their individual personality and temperamental differences. They are not a function of gender.

Maria Melo - Conversations with Moms I have two boys and 6 nephews. I know that when the cousins get together, it's a madhouse. They love action and at times seem fearless. They are very adventurous and their energy seems to have no end. There are many studies that detail the physiological, emotional, analytical and behavioral differences between boys and girls, so I won't repeat what I'm sure you've already heard or read. I can tell you that as a mother of two boys, I know that one of the lessons I hope to teach them is to respect women. Hopefully, I can teach them to respect their minds and hearts as well as admire their beauty. If I had a daughter, I would try to teach her to respect herself and not fall victim to what society says she should look like.

Annie - PhD in Parenting I addressed this topic recently on my blog. In summary, in a perfect world, I do not think we would need to parent boys and girls differently. However, due to the messages that society sends our girls and our boys about their gender and the opposite gender, I do think that we need to parent them differently, because we need to counteract those messages. Ultimately I think it is important for us to parent each of our children as individuals and not as a member of a specific gender group. This is true both because gender stereotyping is harmful and also because we cannot be 100% certain that we know the gender of our child until they tell us (as their gender assigned at birth may not be their true gender). Read more in my post called "Should we parent boys and girls differently?"

Ria Sharon - My Mommy Manual This begs generalizations and I don't know that my observations are universal. In my house, although both my kids are physical in the sense of wanting to be held and touched, my son's need to run and wrestle and play physically is higher than my daughter's. So with parenting, using visual cues and physical contact are much more effective - putting a hand on his shoulder, hugging as we take deep breaths, etc.

Ronit Baras - Family Matters I do not think there needs to be a major difference between parenting boys and girls (I think parenting the eldest and the youngest is much more different). If anything, this stereotypical misconception of gender is a social pattern I need to fight. I do not go for pink for girls, blue for boys, dolls for girls, cars for boys, cooking and make up toys for girls, science and outdoor toys for boys. As much as I would like to say that I parent my kids the same, I don't. I have put are stickers on our dining room board and on some of my boxes that say "Girls can do anything", yet I do not have any that say "Boys can do anything", although I think they can too. When my son decided to register himself to dancing, I encouraged him more and paid more attention to him than I did with my two other girls' dancing. Why? Because he was the only boy in his dance class, while my girls were part of the majority of girls in their classes. So no, I do not treat my kids the same, but I expect the same from them. I expect all three of them to go after their dreams, even if it means they are the only boy in their cooking class or the only girl wearing blue. However, I need to support them differently, depending on which social norm I am helping them fight. I do not believe boys and girls are different in their abilities, but they must face different perceptions by the media, peers, fashion and the adults in their life. As their parents, we face the same challenges with them. There is no "All boys are.." and no "All girls are…" and I tell my daughters exactly the same massage I tell my son - that they are unique and wonderful and if they focus on what they can do, achieve, feel and have with the gender they have, they will enjoy life greatly.

Many thanks to the Top Parenting Bloggers: RJ, Annie Fox, Ria, Annie, Maria, Susan and Sue for sharing their thoughts about gender and parenting boys and girls.

I know this is a very hot topic and the debate about what is our role in creating equal opportunities for our boys and girls is very old but still important, so please join the discussion by writing your thoughts about parenting boys and girls.

Join us next week's Top Parenting Bloggers discussion about parenting teens. Parenting teens and educating teens is a topic that is very close to my heart. I hope many parents for teens and people working with teens will join us and write their ideas too.

We are approaching the end of the Top Parenting Bloggers Discussion, so I wanted to encourage you to add questions to the discussion that you would like answered. You can post them in the comment box below as suggestions for discussion.

If you wish to know more about the bloggers who take part in this project or contact any of them, please visit their blogs, follow them on Twitter and/or become their fan on Facebook. Alternatively, you can send them a question or comment through the comment box below.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender
• The Mean Average
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When we start a long-term relationship, we are so intent on making it work that we overlook things we would prefer to be different "as long as we're happy together", but the discomfort caused by those overlooked things grows over time to the point where we suddenly notice them. One day, we are surprised to discover for the first time something our partner has been doing or saying for years. All that time, we dismissed it in different ways ("bad mood", "something at work", "didn't really understand", "only joking", etc), but now, we look at "this thing" head on and think our partner has changed.

In a strange sort of way, the things that attracted us to that special person in the first place can become annoying over time, until we determine that the person has changed. We also get used to good things (annoying, but natural), which makes us take the good side of any character trait or behavior for granted, while getting more and more upset with the bad side.

For example, you may be with a man whom you thought was very funny, but now he just does not take anything seriously.

Or your woman's appeal was her incredible intelligence and her ability to participate in any conversation and articulate an opinion on any topic, but now she is a critical know-it-all who always has to have the last say and top every argument you present.

Your man may have been your "Huggy Bear", always ready to embrace you and hold you tight, but now he just strangles you and wants to cuddle at the "wrong" times.

Your woman may have been innocent and pure, without a negative thought about anyone or anything, but now she is just childish, naïve or even blind.

Or your partner may have been a responsible, respectable and well-organized person, worthy of anyone's admiration, but now he or she is so uptight, so strict and treats you like a parent would treat a child.

So who has changed? You? Them? Life?

On the other hand, some changes can be very dramatic. Major events in life, like losing someone close, a life-threatening situation, a hard illness and even losing your job, can bring about deep and meaningful changes in you, in the other person or in both.

How can you be the same when your confidence in your health has been shattered? How can you stay the same person when you have seen death? How can you stick to the same behaviors when all of the assumptions you used to live by have changed?

Well, you can't.

Actually, do you react the same to a situation when you are mad as when you are happy? Do you treat people the same when you are tired as when you are refreshed?

Even the same person in the same place on the same day can have vastly different reactions to the same thing (like the phone ringing). How can we expect anyone to stay the same through years of living and going through events big and small?

Well, we can't.

So what should we do?

Whether we change or not, whether our partner changes or not, life always changes, which is why we must remember one very important thing:

In a relationship, it's not about who's right. It's about what works

Every relationship should combine a focus on getting the best outcomes (especially in terms of good feelings) and a feedback loop, which allows the partners to adjust the things they do until they work.

In a sense, we should treat our partner as a bit of a new person all the time and pay attention to any changes in their responses to familiar things. Any consistent new response means our partner has changed and we must adapt our view of them.

Looking at your partner with new eyes and spotting changes in them can be a refreshing game that keeps your expectations in check. The biggest problem in any relationship is holding on to unrealistic expectations your partner cannot fulfill. Re-evaluating your partner daily and letting go of old expectations means releasing the tension in the relationship and discovering a better person in your partner, someone who fulfills more of your expectations, no matter what the changes are.

As a quick exercise, give this a try:

1. Make a list of the behaviors and character traits that have attracted you to your partner
2. Make a list of the behaviors and character traits you do not appreciate in your partner at the moment
3. Go over the two lists and see if there are any items that appear on both (the may be stated differently, but their essence is the same, like "funny" and "doesn't take things seriously"). Highlight these items
4. Ask yourself if any of the highlighted items migrated from the attraction list to the resentment list due to a change in your own perception. Notice how the realization makes you relax a little bit
5. Ask yourself in any of the highlighted items, or any other things you do not appreciate in your partner, are just a result of the life your partner has had. In your mind, see the world through his or her eyes and try to experience what he or she had gone through (pay attention to fear in particular). Would you be different?
6. Go back to the attraction list and ask yourself if any of these things are still present in your life, but perhaps you have grown used to them. Does your partner still make you laugh? Is he/she still smart or good with technology? Pretty? Strong?

I have a feeling that when this exercise is over, you will have a renewed appreciation for your partner as a person, a human being - good, scared, brave, imperfect and loving. If not, take a break and do it again in a few days when you are relaxed and have the time.

Having renewed your attraction, understanding and faith in your partner, resolve to see him or her as a new person every day, to take responsibility for your own perception and to quickly run through the above exercise when you feel your relationship is getting out of whack.

Loving life,
Gal

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Yes, I know many people feel offended by being blessed with the "F" word, but I think it is actually Fun.

I came up with this blessing a long time ago, when I lived in the USA and watched on the TV and interview David Letterman had with Madonna. If I remember correctly, Madonna, a very talented musician and performer, was asked in the interview if she peed in the shower or not. You see, I was shocked at the question. Why on Earth would you ask a singer, songwriter, musician and inspiring performer (whether you like her material or not) about her personal habits in the shower? No one said anything about that question, but they were shocked when she did an amazingly talented presentation of how inappropriate the question was and how OK people were with the question, but reacted in shock to a word she said.

The next day, every paper around the country had bold headlines about Madonna saying 20 times "the 'F' word" on national television. I thought Madonna was brilliant, but seeing how shocked the people in the audience were made me think about the "F" word.

I learned a lot from Madonna that day. She made me realize that a word is just a word and the meaning you give it is the most important thing.

As a parent, you probably think many times about kids' manners. For some reason, there is too much attention (in my opinion) to kids using swear words. You see, saying the word "F" has become a rude word. It is not the word that is offensive (what can be offensive about the letter "F"?). It is the meaning people give it.

In one of my child care centers, I had a demonstration of how we, the adults, dig our own graves with the way we react. One day, Gill, one of the kids, started to say "Poop" whenever he was unhappy about something. When his mom came that afternoon, she said he had been doing it at home too. Sometimes, he would stand next to an adult and say "Poop" over and over again, trying different ways to say it.

His mom reacted very strongly to it. She told him she would wash his mouth with a soap (he was just 3 years old), but every day, it got worse. In a meeting with his mom, I decided that instead of saying anything about it, we would ignore it and look away from him. I have to say it was hard to ignore, not because I was unhappy about it, but because it was very funny. A 3-year-old trying to manipulate you by saying a word is pretty funny and I used to turn my head so he would not see me laughing. As you might have suspected, this behavior disappeared within 3 days.

Can you imagine Gill starting a new trend of making a fuss about the "P" word?

What about the "B" word, the "C" word or the "Sh" word?

Swear words are just words that the listener gives a bad meaning to. So let's give the "F" word a different meaning. Are you with me?

I bless you with the "F" word

Here are some blessings from me to you (for my birthday next Monday). You decide if each is a blessing or a swear word:

• I bless you with the "F" word for having a happy family.
• I bless you with the "F" word for having lots of fun in your house.
• I bless you with the "F" word for having lots of friends.
• I bless you with the "F" word for living in freedom.
• I bless you with the "F" word so you will have a fabulous day.
• I bless you with the "F" word for fresh air and a clean environment.
• I bless you with the "F" word for a fantastic life of going forward with happy feelings towards a successful and fulfilling future.

"F" you!

Ronit

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I remember realizing this when my daughter Eden was 4. She was sensitive to dairy food and I was a very good dairy police officer (I had no guilt feelings, because eating dairy food meant she would get pneumonia). Eden went to kindergarten and I knew that although I wrote on the admission forms "No dairy food", she would take food from other kids. This is when I knew I needed to teach her to be aware and understand why she needed to restrict herself.

The TV diet works the same way. Your kids will be exposed to TV more than you think and certainly more than you can control. All my kids have come home at times with details about TV shows I have never allowed them to watch. This is the reason raising aware kids is better than fighting this on your own.

The younger the kids are, the easier it is to develop this awareness, so start as early as you can!

Reality or fiction

One major problem with watching TV is that kids do not fully understand the difference between what is real and what is made up. When watching a superhero movie, they do not always understand that normal people do not have such abilities. I remember stories in the papers when the first Superman movie came out of kids trying to fly out the window and hurting themselves badly.

Talking about these things with your kids can help them develop filters for watching things that are not real.

Here are some examples of things that are good to talk about:

1. In real life, people cannot fly (without a flying device, anyway), eat food that make them super strong or jump to the moon and back in a split second.
2. In real life, when you get up in the morning, you do not look immediately like a super model. Normal people need to brush their teeth and comb their hair and even then…
3. In real life, money does not appear just like that. Someone needs to earn it, not to mention work for it.
4. In real life, every gun has a limited number of bullets and most people do not own guns and certainly do not walk around with guns in their pockets.
5. In real life, there are different kinds of people. Not all women are the same and not all men are the same. I particularly do not like gender stereotyping movies, in which all women care about is shopping and make up and diets and all men care about is sports and cars and sex. Be careful of raising kids with such perception on life.
6. In real life, there are nice people and people who are not so nice, but not all the nice people are pretty and not all the unpleasant people are ugly. Talk to your kids about external beauty vs. character and about makeup, lighting, camera tricks and plastic surgery.
7. In real life, success does not happen overnight. It takes courage, determination, intelligence, talent, humor, creativity and/or social skills. More often than not, luck has nothing to do with success. This discussion will help your kids overcome idol worship too.
8. Help your kids notice how music is used in movies and commercials to stir emotions in them - fear, tension, fun, etc.
9. Talk to your kids about how long does it takes to make a TV show that runs for an hour. In real life, many things take a lot longer and that is OK.
10. What is the difference between acting and real life? Actors play according to a script. They do not really feel or think like their characters. Real people have no script and are likely to respond differently.
11. Are "reality TV" shows real? It is amazing how many grownups think "reality TV" is real, which is why it is so successful. I read once about contestants from a version of The Biggest Loser show who revealed what had happened behind the scenes and I was shocked. I am a grown-up with developed critical thinking and awareness and I was surprised at how things were being manipulated. How would kids feel discovering this? My life coaching instructor, Johnnie Cass, had been on Big Brother, but was a very different person in real life from the one presented on television. I liked the real person much better!
12. Tell your kids about the process of making a TV show (cutting, editing, shooting scenes 726 times).
13. Talk to your kids about special visual effects, such as fires, floods, using models, adding animation over the scenes and so on.
14. Spot the stunt work. I am always shocked to discover that in movies or shows in which nothing seems dangerous, there are many stunts. It is good to talk about stuntmen having experience, using special safety equipment and taking risks. No, real people cannot jump from roofs of houses and land on their horses. There are huge mattresses there to stop them from getting hurt.
15. Discuss news and how news is manipulated. I find it very disturbing that the news features one person being killed locally in a robbery or terrorist attack nothing about thousands of people being killed in an earthquake in China or millions in a bloody war in Somalia.
16. Talk to your kids about TV as a marketing tool and about news that sells. Help them realize that the world is much nicer than what appears in the news and that for some reason good news just doesn't sell very well.
17. Talk about commercials that will do anything to make you buy things. I tell my kids to imagine that someone has spent days looking for ways to manipulate people into buying these things.
18. Talk about buying things "as seen on TV". Encourage your kids to check what they buy, to buy it from a place they can return to if they have a problem, to get personal recommendations (recommendations in TV ads are not real - someone pays for them). Encourage price comparison and most importantly, help your kids handle the sense of urgency that TV commercials create in sophisticated ways.

Talking to your kids about what is real on TV and what is not will help them develop critical thinking and next time when they watch a program (at friends' house, when you are not there), they will tell themselves, "ooh, ketchup", when they see too much "blood" on the screen.

Come back next week for "Cutting Junk TV" or subscribe via RSS or email.

Until then, happy watching,
Ronit

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• How to Handle Pressure
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If you experience pain and sadness, open your gray, boring, simple sorrow box and set yourself free!

Be Happy in LIFE,
Ronit

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