To a great extent, this also affects parents of teenagers, who are being encouraged to consider every little friction and identity-building exercise on the teen's part as part of their overall negative attitude to adults and authority.

Yesterday evening, however, Channel Ten in Australia showed a piece titled "Teen Trouble?" in which a mother and her 3 wonderful teenagers were interviewed, having gone through Ronit's coaching programs. Ronit was also interviewed as a parenting expert with some tips on how to get along well with teenage children and build strong relationships with them.

Irene Thompson and her lovely kids are a great example of how well and how quickly the Be Happy in LIFEparenting workshops and teen coaching programs work.

Here is the video  for your viewing pleasure:

The next parenting workshop open to the public in Brisbane will be on the 30^th of October and bookings are available for groups and organizations anywhere in Australia and around the world.

Love your teens and see them blossom,
Gal

You may want to read

• Anger Management: Be Prepared
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• I See You

As you can imagine, I started the day feeling frustrated with the time it took to arrange the workshop, but here is the story of what happened to the parents and me that got me to a completely different feeling in the end - gratitude.

8:30 am

I set up everything in the beautiful Resource Center next to the Junior Playground. Cherie said she was not sure how many parents would come. In some of the events she had organized for parents, only one or two of them had come. For this workshop, she had personally contacted each of the parents who had been struggling with their children.

"Ronit, we have many struggling parents", she said to me several times. The school's academic achievements had been low for many years and the last professional development with the teachers had shifted something in the dynamic of the school and in the academic achievements, so Cherie thought the parents were the next piece of the puzzle.

A woman from the office came and said two parents had called to say they would not come and one mother had turned up in the morning asking to join in. Cherie started telling me a bit about the parents, but then, the parents started arriving, so she said, "You'll see for yourself. They really need this".

9:00 am

14 women were sitting behind their desks and waiting anxiously for the workshop to start. Cherie introduced me, described the big shift that had happened to her teachers after going through my program and reassured them she would pop in occasionally throughout the day.

We did a round of introductions. I told the parents about myself, my profession, my family, my passion and my expectations from the day and asked each of them to introduce herself, tell us about her kids, challenges and expectations. This is what I gathered from them in half an hour of introduction.

• 4 of them used drugs
• 7 of them had missing teeth
• 1 of them was blind. Her daughter and son-in-law used drugs and sexually abused her 5- and 7-year-old grandchildren and she was fighting for custody of, because her grandchildren to keep them out of foster care
• 3 of them said they had children with ADHD
• 2 said they were being physically abused by their partners
• 1 said she had been sexually abused as a child
• 5 of them said they were mentally ill
• 1 of them said she had a 9-years-old daughter who was blind
• 1 of them was the school secretary who was there to support another mother who was afraid she would not be able to cope on her own. She said she had 4 teenage children and she struggled with them regularly
• 3 of them said their kids had been taken away from them at some stage
• 1 of them said her 6-year-old daughter had been born with brain damage. The girl was tiny and had an intellectual disability, but the mother was there because she struggled with her teenage daughter
• 7 of them said their kids had Asperger Syndrome
• 6 of them had no extended family to support them - the school caters for many migrant families
• 4 of them worked
• 2 of them (besides the school secretary) had a profession. 1 said she was a photographer and 1 said she was a massage therapist
• 10 of them were single mothers
• 1 of them was a single grandmother
• 1 of them had 4 kids, was pregnant and lived with an abusive, drunk, drug-using partner who was not the father of her children
• 13 of them (all except the secretary) said their kids struggled academically

When we finished the round of introductions, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I looked at the group of mothers who were in constant struggle and realized what Cherie had to go through every day. How on Earth can you expect kids to perform when their life circumstances are so tough? How can these children study when their parents are in such desperate survival mode?

For a second, I felt helpless. Maybe I even felt a little sorry for myself. Inside, I heard a voice saying, "Snap out of it, Ronit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your life is bliss compared to theirs. You have a job to do. Just do it!"

I think I had this coping mechanism for a long time. Whenever I came to a place to run a program and things were in bad shape, I told myself that everything I could do would help and then I felt empowered.

I asked the participants to raise their hands if they had ever taken a parenting course. None did. For them, a parenting course was a luxury and they were there only because the school was paying and because the principal and the secretary had sent them personal invitations and called 6 times to make sure they would come.

I looked at each of them and realized I was blessed with wonderful children, a great, kind husband, a good father for my children, good health, professional skills, an extended family that was far away but emotionally supportive and financial comfort. It was easy to take life for granted, but the other women in the room had none of my luck.

11:00 am

We reached the section about their happiness and there was a silence in the room. Everyone stared at me and looked at each other with embarrassed smiles.

"Do you mean what would make our kids happy?" one of them asked.

"No, I mean what would make you happy", I said. There was still quiet in the room. I decided to start with the mother who asked the question. "What would make you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know", she said.

"Then how do you want to be happy if you don't know what would make you happy?"

She lowered her eyes.

"How do you want to make your kids happy if you don't know what it means to be happy?" I asked everyone again.

I think that hurt them and motivated them to find some answers. Slowly, one after the other, they started saying things that made them happy. At that point, there was a small shift in atmosphere in the room.

While in a usual workshop with diverse parents, we come up with a happy list in three minutes, this group took much longer. I usually give parents about two minutes to complete their own list of 100 happy things, but in this group, 14 women could barely came up with 10 items together.

Most of them said they did not think they would ever get to 100 happy items on their list. I knew it was really hard. For a group of highly frustrated, badly struggling women, this was a hard task. Most of them were trying so hard just to survive they had never given themselves permission to want anything. Happiness was a luxury for them.

2:30 pm

I started to wrap up. I asked each of the participants to tell the group what she had gotten from the workshop. Everyone was emotional and looked at the principal with lots of gratitude as they spoke. One of them said to me, "I reckon my friends at the drug rehab center should attend this course". I smiled. I knew most of the topics in the workshop were applicable to life in general. All of the areas covered during the day focused on taking control over our own destiny.

3:00 pm

One by one, they stood at the door, while their kids waited outside to be picked up. They gave me a big, long hug and said, "Thank you". One of them said with tears in her eyes, "I came to learn about my kids and how to parent them and I learned more about myself. Thank you, Ronit!"

The mother who had joined that morning was a gorgeous woman who looked like a model. During the session on communication styles, she discovered she was kinesthetic and was very happy when I said kinesthetic people needed to go with to their instincts more. She gave me a big hug and said, "I got up this morning with the feeling I had to come today. Something inside told me that I had to be here. I am so glad I listened to that feeling".

Another one said, "It's funny. When you said in the morning that by the end of the day we would leave the room different people, I didn't believe it was possible, but it sure was a life changing experience. I always thought it takes a long time to change, but it's not true. Thanks for proving to me I can change". She then went to the principal and said, "Thank you Cherie for thinking of me".

For about half an hour, we said goodbye. I was emotional too. I thanked each of them for coming. "You don't need to thank us. We need to thank you", said the blind grandmother.

"Oh, I need to thank you for your honesty, for your willingness to share, for dedicating your day to being here and for learning to be good, happy parents", I replied.

4:00pm

I packed my things and put everything in my box. I was a bit tired. I could not stop thinking of those women's misfortunes. It made my good fortune seem even better. Cherie helped me clear the tables from all the toys and markers.

"Sorry I didn't have time to warn you", she said while picking up pieces of paper from the floor.

"Oh, they did a very good job introducing themselves", I said, packing my laptop.

"They got a lot from you today", she said. I think she was trying to encourage me.

That morning, I told the parents that every interaction we have has the potential to change us and what matters most is what we choose to get from each other. I think I had talked to myself too.

I smiled at Cherie and said, "It's nothing compared to what I got from them".

Have a happy, grateful day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times

As always, Ronit was introduced to the participants warmly by Derek Brady, the principal of the school. When he was done, I asked him to say a few words about his experiences with Ronit and particularly the results his school was getting out of them. I have put his answers below in text and video, but saved you the agony of my own voice, which hardly came out (I was pretty sick).

Background

Mental health is a big concern in Australia, especially depression and particularly in young people. The Commonwealth Government recognizes this problem and has started, among other things, a program called Kids Matter, which guides schools in discovering, analyzing and solving any mental health problems.

Derek is a great believer in emotional intelligence, so Upper Mount Gravatt State School is getting the most out of working with Kids Matter. In fact, the school has done so well is has won awards for leadership in mental health for the past 2 years.

But Kids Matter only provides the framework and incentives for focusing on mental health. The school still has to choose good services and good providers to make real impact and Derek has chosen Ronit to run Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids and Happy Teachers - Happy Students.

Having a life coach attached to your school as a school partner has huge implications

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Q: Why did you engage Ronit in the first place?

Derek: Being part of Kids Matter and focusing on mental health, we saw a real need for that to be across the whole school and Ronit's influence is in all of that stuff. We've already had 100% of our staff trained in Be Happy in LIFE coaching. We've also had 60 parents trained. That has huge impact, because it creates "spin-offs" - the common language we're using through the school, it's just helping with the wellbeing and, ultimately, the learning outcomes.

Q: What are the main benefits you see out of Ronit's involvement?

Derek: The main improvement I see is the behavior of our children. I haven't had a suspension in 4 years, there's no Detention room, the attitude of the kids, there's a real happiness around the school, kids really vibrant, bouncing around. I see kids handling issues and being more resilient. I see families using common language and staff using the same language and having a positive mindset and approaching things from a very positive angle.

Q: Are there any specific comments you can share with us from parent's feedback?

Derek: They just love the workshops. They come away feeling inspired. I had my P&C (Parents and Citizens - PTA) President last year come up to me and say "My husband has to do this. We need to work at things and we can be a happier family if we do this". People have come up to me and said their kids are doing better because of that. Teachers have said "I had an issue in class, but I thought about the Pink Elephants or about the way I can approach this staying calm" and it has really helped them in their day-to-day dealings with kids and in their own lives.

Q: Can you share something about how the workshops have affected your own life?

Derek: I'd love to. In my family, I knew there were a few blockers happening with my daughter. I remember this little activity we do, called the "I believe in you" letter, and I remember after the workshop, I emailed my daughter and told her how much I loved her and how much I believed in her and that was the catalyst to change some of the things that followed from there. I think I realized then that you can't change your children, you can't create a perfect world, but you can do is share how you really feel and share how much you care about them, so that was one of the real winners for me. 12 months down the track since doing the course, I feel that relationship building and getting stronger and stronger, so it's definitely helped us as a family.

Q: How would you describe Ronit as a presenter?

Derek: She's really interesting. She's got this really zany way of putting things. You can sit and listen to her for hours and she just brings things from a different angle that you haven't thought of. She doesn't preach at you - it's not one of these courses where you get told how to be a better parent - she gets to be focus on how to be happy. She's also very flexible - she allowed you to be different and do things in the way that you want to engage.

Q: What would you tell other school principals?

Derek: I would be advising them to think about how they can use someone like Ronit Baras. I think having a life coach attached to your school as a school partner has huge implications. It builds up capacities in the family community, parents are on the same page as the school and life coaching really helps people grow and see how mental health positions their kids to do well academically. At the end of the day, I want better results. I want learning outcomes to be high - that's academic outcomes - and by focusing on the mental health of my whole entire community, that's where you can do it. And Ronit can help!

So what is Derek Brady saying here?

He is saying that parents make a major difference to their kids and that when parents learn to be happy, EVERYTHING works better - the kids are happy, their academic performance improves, the teachers like them more (which makes everything even better) and the school can spend more time and resources on fun stuff (which makes everything better again).

He is saying you should talk to your school principal, wherever you are, tell them about the awesome benefits of creating a happy community around the school, including staff, parents and kids, and send them to The Motivational Speaker.

And if your school does not run parenting workshops and you live in the Brisbane area, register for our parenting workshop on Sunday, 25 July 2010, at the Southern Cross Sports Club on Klumpp Road, Upper Mt Gravatt and improve the life of your kids, partner and, most importantly, your own.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Literacy, Numeracy, Emotionacy
• Wisdom from the School of Life
• The Fun Incentive

Although I like the thought that I work magic in my programs, I truly believe this magic can be done by everyone who understands the importance of having fun in the learning process and focusing their energy in a positive direction.

The woman told me her son was "hyperactive". During my 24 years in education, I had met very few truly hyperactive kids. Most of the kids diagnosed as hyperactive are kinesthetic - they like to move a lot. In fact, they have to move in order to think and they perform better through action, except others around them cannot stand it and decide something must be wrong with them. As for the kids whose agitated behavior I could not explain, I was convinced it was due to something I had not discovered (yet).

So I asked her, "Why do you think he is hyperactive?"

"He cannot rest for a second", she said, "He moves from one activity to another and can't sit still. It drives me nuts. His attention span is 30 seconds tops".

"What does he like to do?" I asked her.

"He loves playing with toy trucks", she said.

"When he plays with his trucks, how long can he sit and play for?" I asked.

"I don't know. If I let him, he'll sit there for half an hour, making make noises of trucks and pretending the carpet was a construction site or a warehouse", she told me.

You see, a truly hyperactive kid could not do anything for half an hour.

So I shared my first magic formula with her:

When kids have fun and love what they do, they perform better.

Then, the mother told me her son also had eating problems. She said, "He doesn't like vegetables. He only likes junk food".

So I told her how easy it was for me to get a group of 2-year-olds at my early childhood center eat fruits and vegetables after we made a game out of it. The idea came from one of the moms in a parenting workshop who suggested that every day, one mom would make food for all the kids in the group. Since there were 20 kids in each group, parents figured that making an effort one day a month was a bargain compared to making food every day for one child.

"Instead of having bread with the usual chocolate spread or jam, we can bring real food", they started getting excited.

Since I was a very health-conscious parent, I suggested that every parent bring 4-5kg of fruit each day and 2-3kg of vegetables (tomatoes, cucumbers, capsicum, carrots, etc).

At first, the parents looked at me surprised. Many of them said, "My kid never eats fruits and vegetables".

I told them, "With my 'magic tricks', I can make them eat anything I want".

I started a competition among the kids and gave awards to anyone who asked for "seconds". After 3-4 days, the award was just a compliment - "congratulations" or "well done" for asking for seconds and a great public announcement when someone asked for a third helping.

I also added a game called "Empty Plate", which was more of a group challenge. I put pieces fruits or vegetables with a bit of salt on a plate and left it on the table. I told the kids I was going to take the plate away in one hour. If the plate was empty, they would win, but if it was not empty, I would win. Sure enough, they won every time.

About two weeks later, parents came happy to say their kids ask them to buy more fruits and vegetables "Just like at Ronit's kindy".

It is very easy. When eating is fun, kids eat well.

We do not stop playing because we grow old
We grow old because we stop playing

Fun is a very important component in life's success and learning and works as a wonderful incentive.

I managed to teach kids abstract concepts of physics in 1^st Grade, reading at the age of 3 and high school math during primary school, because everything was a game. As long as the kids were studying with me, they played games. They never realized they were learning. Everything was fun, there was no resistance and their brains were so open to absorb new information that learning happened without interference.

The only interference usually comes from parents' resistance to the fun. In one of my primary classes, parents came and said, "When I ask my daughter what you do in class, she says you only play games. I want her to learn something at school". Since then, I made a point to meet the parents and explain the program to them before I taught their kids. Parents who do not value the fun in learning can easily ruin my magical incentive.

Mary Poppins taught me the importance of having fun in our life and she made it look easy, not because she was magical, but because she knew something valuable about the human brain: people do better when they enjoy what they do.

It is that simple!

If you want to improve your kids' performance at something - music, math, reading, writing, art - find a way to make it fun.

Here are a couple of really nice videos of how fun works as an incentive even for grownups. I think you will like them.

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[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Until next time, have fun!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• Approval Trap (4): How to get yourself out
• Approval Trap (3): Approval-Seeking Behavior

Yesterday, one of my clients talked about a breakdown in his marriage. His wife has been telling him for a long time something was wrong in their relationship, but he just thought she had "another bad day" until she kicked him out of the house.

What I said to him was very similar to what I have written about TV. Many things in life like our struggle with weight. When things go wrong, we eat a lot and neglect to notice the extra weight. When we look in the mirror, we feel uncomfortable, but we say "It's just a bad day" and we eat more to find comfort, only to look in the morning 5kg later and feel bad about ourselves that we are in a never-ending cycle of struggle.

When something goes wrong with our relationship, we slowly drift apart and one day wake up and it is too hard to mend.

When we lose control over our kids' education, health and wellbeing, we stop being able to help them develop the skills, habits, thoughts and beliefs that will make them happy and we wake up when they leave school, join a gang or worse, fall sick.

One day, we wake up sick and tired from feeling unhappy and say, "How did we get to this point?"

Very bad question. A much better question is "What can we do to make things better right now?"

Still, my answer is always, "We got the extra 25kg one kilo at a time. That's how".

A TV diet is no different from any other diet. It is supposed to bring some order and control over your life and in this case, over your family life.

Preventive Parenting

My biggest recommendation for every change is to "grow antennas" and be sensitive to when things start to go wrong with your kids' TV habits. It is much easier to get rid of 1 extra kilo than it is to get rid of 25.

Preventive parenting is always better than reactive parenting, because as a reactive parent you are too busy putting out fires and there is neither time nor energy left to focus on building a healthy, happy family lifestyle.

Earlier is better

It is ALWAYS better to start a positive change right now than to start it later
- Ronit Baras

As I said at the beginning, TV is neither good nor bad, but the way we use it can be good or bad. Make sure your meaning of healthy TV and unhealthy TV is fully defined and clearly communicated to your kids as early as possible. Even a 4-year-old can understand when Mom or Dad says, "This show is not suitable for 4-year-olds, because it's too violent and I want you to watch good shows that are suitable for your age". Young kids have less life experience and are highly influenced by their parents, while older kids are subject to many more influences. Start early!

Try to avoid asking yourself "How did you get to this point?" when thinking of things you are not happy about, as that will drag you into a critical state, full of self blame and regrets. It is much harder to get action out of that state. Instead, focus on

"What do I want and how can I start getting there right now?"

It is the difference between a past-oriented question and a future-oriented question that gives many parents who attend my parenting workshops the strength and determination to make a change. When you ask what you can do right now to create a better or desired situation, you look for solutions, rather than someone or something to blame.

If you are looking for the answer to this question, you will find lots of tips, ideas and techniques in every post of the TV diet series that will help you overcome TV binging and behavior kids' problems due to watching too much TV.

For many parents, using only one or two tips from what I have covered in the past 18 weeks has made a huge difference in their family life and the effort of fighting kids' watching habits has become a faded memory to them.

If you want the constant fights about TV to be a faded memory for you too, start now!

Happy Parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• TV Diet (15): Routine
• TV Diet (14): Cutting Junk TV
• The Hunger Games

I talk and talk and talk, and I haven't taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week
- Mario Cuomo

Every one of my parent coaching clients needs one important component of parenting - an appreciation of his or her qualities as a parent. They know very well what does not work and where they fall short, but cannot see what they already have that makes them good parents already.

If you think about it, realizing what they have is a problem for most people, but these qualities are the ingredients kids are made of.

My mom was a chef. She was a simple woman with limited academic education but with a lot of wisdom from years of working in big kitchens and making food for thousands of people.

She taught me it is impossible to go to the market with a list. You never know what the weekly specials are. "You do the best with what you have", she told me. My mom has made an art out of it. If she went to the market and found a fruit of vegetable for next to nothing, she would buy a whole box of it (there were 7 people in our house). She was very proud of herself for making many different dishes with it and freezing some for a season when that fruit or vegetable was not available.

Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry
- Alvin Price

Parenting is the same - you do the best you can with what you have and when I say "what you have", I mean the mix of who you are, who your kids are and what your circumstances are. In the Be Happy in LIFE parent coaching program, the parents' skills, abilities and character traits are the basic ingredients for raising wonderful, happy kids.

I parent my kids the way my mom cooks. She opens the fridge and says, "OK, we have plenty of capsicum and lettuce, onion and some corn. How can I make some great food out of them?" I say, "OK, my son likes to write music, he's friendly and smart, but he isn't very organized. I'm very organized and very driven, but I can't write music. How can I make a great kid out of this?"

It works just perfectly. Instead of saying, "Bummer, I didn't buy any avocado. I could have made a great dish out of it", I say, "There are wonderful dishes with tomatoes" (I will let you find the parenting parallels).

My father didn't tell me how to live. He lived, and let me watch him do It
- Clarence Budinton Kelland

Many people who come to my workshops expect me to tell them the formula for great parenting. Some of them express disappointment when I tell them at the beginning there is no formula. I can tell them about my "cake", but the chance they have exactly the same ingredients is 0. I always say that with the 3 wonderful "cakes" I have at home, I could not even copy the "recipe" from one to another myself. Instead, I am happy to tell them about the process.

All children behave as well as they are treated
- Jan Hunt

This part of the make a list series is about this process, or at least part of the process. When people go through parent coaching, they are very judgmental towards their parenting style, but when they complete the workshop/program, they are very appreciative of what they do well and understand that if they focus on what they do well, it grows. It is pretty simple - in life, you get what you focus on and parenting is no different.

Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be
- David Bly

I came up with this activity 19 years ago, when I was running a workshop for the parents of the kids in my early childhood center. When I talked about the power they had over their kids' life, they said they felt powerless towards their young kids, who were only 1½ to 4 years old. Every session, when I gave them information about how to improve their kids' performances emotionally, physically and academically, they were very cruel to themselves, so one day, I said to them, "You need to come up with 10 good qualities you have as a parent".

At first, they looked at me embarrassed. You see, when asked to say good things about themselves, people think of it as bragging or showing off. So I said they had to do it, because it was part of the workshop and I volunteered to go first. The parents slowly realized it changed their feeling from being judgmental towards themselves and their kids to feeling empowered. Also, listening to others helped them appreciate in themselves things they never thought were sources of confidence and power.

This was the first group in a line of families whose lives have changed through those monthly workshops with the parents and I realized that my work with kids meant nothing if I did nothing to support their parents.

To be a successful parent, you need to find 100 qualities you have as a parent so whenever you feel a bit frustrated and judgmental towards yourself or your kids, you can look at this list and draw some positive energy from it.

How to be a good parent (or start to feel like one)

1. Think of all the qualities that support your parenting. For example, I am very creative, so I look for creative ways to parent my kids and it makes my parenting fun and my kids special.
2. Think of all the character traits that you would like your kids to copy. This is easy - you do not have to make much effort, you only need to be yourself and your kids benefit. I am very determined and I think it gives my kids stability and confidence. I sure hope they will copy my determination.
3. Think of knowledge you have that your kids can benefit from. I studied how to teach, so my kids never need a tutor.
4. Think of possessions you have that will make your kids' life easy. We have enough computers for everyone, a keyboard (electric piano), 2 cars for taking them places and so on.
5. Think of strong experiences you have had, which taught you good lessons in life, so your kids are lucky they do not have to experience them in order to understand. It was a horrible experience for me to be a sick kid. My kids are lucky I take responsibility for their health and prevent them from seeing too many doctors, being drugged with medication and missing school.
6. Look at other parents doing things you disagree with and this will highlight your advantages. I have an open wallet policy. My kids have never betrayed my trust. I am very proud of myself for adopting this policy, because I never grew up like that and I hated it as a child.
7. Find the differences between any unpleasant ways your parents treated you and how you treat your kids. This is probably a great achievement that you can draw lots of energy from. I grew up in a family whose life was ruled by what other people thought. I am very proud to conduct my life based on what I believe and feel, even when it is not the norm. I think it helps me raise more confident kids.
8. If you cannot complete your list on your own, ask people you know for ideas - your partner, your kids, your friends and family members. Ask them what they think is your best quality as a parent. You will be surprised how many things you take for granted about yourself.

Remember, when you cook, you must know your ingredients and when you parent your kids, you must know (and appreciate) your qualities. Focus on the good stuff and make it grow. It is like magic.

Come back next week to make the list of 100 excuses for not living the life you want.

Happy cooking,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Emotional Summer
• Make a list: Mistakes (and what I can learn from them)

This list-making post is for the travelers among us. It is for those who love traveling and the thought of going out of their comfort zone to a new destination excites them.

This post is also for those who have never traveled (much), but wish they did (more).

It may even be for those who have had no desire to travel until now…

I can write about traveling because I am a world traveler and love every second of it.

But I was not a traveler all my life. I have vague memories of a trip my family took with my uncle's family when I was 10 years old. There were 3 or 4 more trips I remember, but no more.

My first overseas trip was at the age of 16. I was chosen to be one of the first youth delegates going from Israel to Egypt after the peace treaty had been signed. Although it was an official trip with lots of politics and official ceremonies, I cannot forget the amazing trip to Karnak Temple in Luxor - the highlight of my trip. Until then, I had never flown in a plane and although the flight itself was not very exciting for me, I think it was then I got the "traveling bug". On the trip to Egypt, I realized there is a wonderful, beautiful world out there we cannot experience while doing our daily things, going to work, coming back home and looking forward for the weekend.

Traveling was not at the top of my list for another 10 years until we moved to Texas. Over there, I had an opportunity to travel a lot. With another couple who lived in our complex and had a kid close to Eden's age, we traveled to some very exciting places in the USA for 2½ years. We traveled to Zion Park, Bryce Canyon, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Disneyland, Houston, Sedona and more. We even had an opportunity to travel to the Bahamas and to Cancun in Mexico before we moved to Thailand for an even bigger adventure with lots more traveling.

When someone asks me about the most wonderful moments in my life, my traveling times always come up first. We were lucky enough to travel with kids between the ages of 1 and 20 years old and had the opportunity to travel for long periods that were very meaningful.

If you love traveling, it probably appears on many of your lists - your happy list, the 100 things you want to do in your lifetime, your list of expectations, your mistakes (places your could go to but did not), events that have shaped your life and your memories list.

What you think and believe about traveling determines your traveling experience. I can give you an example. A couple we know who love traveling very much (they traveled for 10 years before having kids) has a belief that traveling with their kids is impossible, so every time they talk about their desire to travel, they give it up because of that belief. Their youngest son is 12 years old already, yet they have put their travel desires on hold for 20 years while their kids are still around. Gal and I, on the other hand, have traveled extensively with our kids and all of us loved every minute.

Another example of how our beliefs about traveling determine the traveling experience is my sister's trip with a friend to New Zealand. Her friend thought traveling meant living in (fancy) hotels and driving around in rental cars. They travelled together like that for 10 days. During that time, my sister's friend's day was ruined by every little discomfort, like a broken fingernail.

When her friend left, my sister told me she believed living in backpacker lodges and riding busses can be more fun and adventurous. So as soon as she returned the rental car and took a bus to the first backpacker lodge, her trip changed from sterile viewing-through-the-window to being full of excitement and wonderful new people.

When you make your list about traveling, you can find out what kind of travels you want to do in life and can find a correlation between them and your actual travels, for example: if you believe it will be hard for you to be away from your bed (or pillow), your travels may be shorter (day trips). However, feeling good about sleeping away from home will allow you to experience a lot more traveling.

How to list your beliefs about traveling

Here is a list of questions you can ask yourself to dig out your travel-related beliefs, motivation and preferences:

1. What kind of traveling do you like?
2. Who do you prefer to travel with (family, friends, kids, colleagues)?
3. What scenery do you love most (beach, city, mountains, country)?
4. What is the best duration for a trip?
5. What are the best times to travel?
6. At what age would you take kids with you and why?
7. What kinds of trips would you take kids on?
8. What do you think about traveling to see family?
9. What do you think about traveling during the holidays?
10. What do you think about traveling on your own?
11. What hobbies do you have that traveling supports (sport, art, history)?
12. What kinds of accommodation do you prefer?
13. What do you think about camping?
14. What season is the best for traveling?
15. What do you think about taking kids out of school for the purpose of traveling?
16. Would you prefer to take many small trips or one big one?
17. What do you think about working the whole year and keeping all your vacation days for one big trip?
18. What do you think about romantic time away from home?
19. What places in the world you would like to see?
20. How do you get ideas for travel?
21. Do you think it is better to travel when you are younger or older?
22. On your holidays/vacations, do you prefer to travel or stay home and relax?
23. What do you think about work and travel?
24. If you could travel anywhere in the world without limitation of time and money, where would that be and for how long?
25. What places you have visited in the past would you like to visit again and why?
26. Do you like organized travel or going on your own and why?
27. What do you do when you do not have the language to communicate at your destination?
28. How do you learn about a new place you want to visit?
29. What are the 10 things you must do before you go on a trip for a month (we had to arrange for our neighbor to take the garbage out and collect our mail)?
30. Would you take a camera, a camcorder or just enjoy the trip?
31. Do you ever look at your photos or watch your videos later?
32. Do you write a journal on your trip?
33. How long does it take you to fully relax when you are on a trip (if at all)?
34. How many clothes do you take with you when you travel for 3 days, a week, two weeks or one month?
35. How do your family rules change when you travel?

I think this list will give you a clear indication of what kind of a traveler you are. I have a very clear answer to each of the questions above, because I have traveled lots and (I believe) I know exactly what works best for me.

The world is a wonderful place, waiting for you to explore it. Enjoy traveling!

Come again next week to make the list "Rules I follow" or subscribe via RSS or email.

Happy travels,
Ronit

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Margaret: I have a problem with my teenage son, Jeff. He is 13 years old and I have completely lost control of him.

Gal: How do you mean?

Margaret: Well, before we moved to Brisbane, Jeff was very well behaved and always looked after his younger brother, Joey. But lately, he's been badgering his brother and causing him to scream with frustration.

Gal: What else has been happening?

Margaret: When we moved to Brisbane, Jeff started going to a new school, where he seems to have joined a group of kids who are up to no good. They vandalize things, they cut classes and verbally abuse other children. One day, he almost got caught by the police, although he said he hadn't done anything wrong.

Gal: How have you been handling this so far?

Margaret: I've tried many things, but nothing seems to work. I've talked to him many times and told him his behavior was inappropriate and that it would get him into trouble. I've tried getting his father to talk to him. I've raised my voice at him and punished him, but he just acts as if he doesn't care and sometimes his next thing is even worse. I feel like my wonderful son is closing himself off to me.

Gal: Margaret, when you raise your voice, what do you feel inside?

Margaret: I feel scared, out of control and helpless.

Gal: What do you feel towards Jeff? What are you really trying to say to him?

Margaret: I'm trying to tell him that he's throwing his life away and that I want him to trust me and listen to me, because I want him to be happy.

Gal: Is this what you tell him?

Margaret: No. I tell him to get his act together, or else…

Gal: Who's standards do you expect him to conform to?

Margaret: Mine, I guess, but he knows what I expect of him and he used to do it before.

Gal: What does he feel?

Margaret: I don't know, because he won't talk to me, but he's probably confused and finding it hard to adjust to his new school environment, which is a lot stricter than he's used to.

Gal: Does he even say to you, "Mom, I'm confused, please help me"?

Margaret: No, he just shuts me out and the more I scold him, the more he takes it on his little brother.

Gal: OK, from what you have told me so far, it looks like you say words to your son in response to what he does and says. You also take action towards your son - you punish him. In return, Jeff responds to your words and your action by harsher words and harsher actions. I think it may be best for you to stop listening to each other with your ears and start listening with your heart.

Margaret: How?

Gal: Well, you know what you really want to say to Jeff, but you say something different, right? You also have a pretty good guess as to what he is trying to communicate to you, yet you respond to what he does and says on the surface, instead of working with his feelings. What I'm suggesting is that whatever he says, you stop and ask yourself, "What is he really trying to tell me?" Then, you state your understanding as a question to him, to confirm that you "got it".
For example, if he says, "I'm not going to this stupid school anymore", instead of saying, "Oh, yes you are, young man", you can say, "Are you having a hard time there?"

Margaret: OK, sounds like this could work.

Gal: It's important that Jeff feels safe to communicate his feelings, though. You need to assure him that you believe he is doing his best to cope, but something is stopping him, and that if he tells you how he truly feels, you will be there to listen to him and help him find a solution.

Margaret: I've blocked that pretty well with my punishments, haven't I?

Gal: That's OK. You were doing the best you could too. The main thing is that now you know where to aim your future communication - at the heart. Feel your love for him before you approach him and talk from that. Keep thinking, "This is my baby (and I don't care how old he is) and I will do everything to protect him and to help him grow".

[Sighs and sniffs on the other side of the line]

Margaret: Do you teach this kind of stuff?

Gal: We sure do. We teach it to many people and they get up, change everything at home, and have a great relationship with their kids. This is what parent coaching is all about - giving parents the tools to coach their kids, to parent them with their eyes open and from a place of confidence, because they have tools that work.

Margaret accepted her responsibility for her son's behavior and realized it would be best to get parent coaching than kids coaching. She and her husband received 3 parent coaching sessions, after which she wrote this:

[Our coaching was] simple, but quite powerful and hugely successful in a matter of days. Our son now talks and communicates with us. We are back to laughing and he is so much happier in himself, much more confident. The drama and problems we had before are no longer an issue. The stress and strain has disappeared and everyone is happy.

We are [now] confident parents who feel in control. He now respects us. As long as we don't tell him what to do, but cleverly make him think he's making his own choices, we have a happy, easy-going teenager.

So feel the love for your kids and help them grow by communicating at the emotional level, straight to their heart. Share your successes here with us and help us inspire more people with your comments.

All the best,
Gal

* For more information, visit our parent coaching page.

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It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself
– Joyce Maynard

Parenting (especially teenage parenting) is undoubtedly the most challenging adventure in a person's life. Remember the first hours of being a mother or a father? The unconditional love you had for this tiny new creature that did nothing but eat, sleep and cry, coupled with the enormous load of the new responsibility, from which there was no escape. A bit overwhelming, wasn't it? For some parents, even a bit scary sometimes. Who can you turn to for parenting advice?

For many, parenting is one of the most fulfilling feelings during their life. Mothers and fathers compromise many of their career opportunities to give their kids what they perceive as happiness, comfort and love. Somehow, parenting is the most responsible thing most of us do in our life, yet we are doomed to experiment every day of our kids' life, through trial and error, to find the formula for great parenting.

Parents have existed from the beginning of humanity, but many parents still feel they must reinvent the wheel over and over again and count on some mysterious instincts they are supposed to have when dealing with their kids.

Many parents have difficulties balancing their time between their jobs, their partner and their children. They also struggle to make whatever resources they have meet their kids' needs. This situation is reflected by their Kids' behavior and state of mind, often causing unhappiness, frustration and self doubt. Teenage kids make parenting an even bigger challenge.

Big systems cater for children. As an educator, even I started my work with children, but shortly after starting, I realized that looking only after the kids is missing an important part of kid's learning and developing, maybe the most important part - their parents. A more holistic approach should be providing support for the kids and their key human influences.

Parenting is important to us as a society. We need to invest in parents to make this world a better place for parents and for their kids, because happy parents raise happy kids.

Check out "Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids", the Be Happy in LIFE Better Parenting Skills Program.

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If you want to contact me with any questions or issues, click here. I will use your name as entered and post a reply for you in the "Ask Ronit" category as soon as I can.

Useful Sites

Here are some web sites I have personally reviewed and found to be useful or inspiring and related to my blog.

Life Coaching Be Happy in LIFE is a great life coaching company, focusing on relationships and family. Be Happy in LIFE offers coaching for personal growth, relationships, parenting and even kids.

SelfGrowth.com The most complete guide to information about Self Improvement, Personal Growth and Self Help on the Internet. It is designed to be an organized directory, with articles and references to thousands of other Web Sites on the World Wide Web.

Changing Minds How we change what others think, believe, feel and do.

Nicholas Finnegan - Higher Self-Esteem and More... Personal development author Nicholas Finnegan shares with you an array of self-help tools, NLP models and various techniques to start building personal and professional life success. With the correct strategies you will learn how to diminish limiting beliefs and manifest immediate potential into every area of your life for the future!

NLP training for life coaches Life Coach Training and Master Coaching Certification Courses.

Building Self Esteem Building self esteem and self confidence with tips, free courses, recommended books and lots more!

Life Coach Directory Life Coach Directory is a support network of UK life coaches, with information on their training and experience, areas of life coaching covered, fees and contact details. This service is free, confidential and easy to use

Things Good Parents Do Satirical, humorous look at all things parenting, but also features serious parenting opinions, parenting ideas, and parenting advice. Written by Jim Kochenburger, author of 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking

Parenting with Dignity Featured on ABC's 20/20, teaches parents how to instill a sense of responsible decision making in their kids. Discover five simple rules for parents, and learn how "The ideas in our kids' heads rule their world."some space here

Momfuse.com An online magazine for moms.

www.YourKidsEd.com.au The ultimate FREE resource for parents Australia-wide, helping them to educate, enrich and inspire their children. Find a wealth of information and resources on education, schools, programs, events, challenges, well-being, products, books, toys and more. Register for free e-updates and competitions!

Safe from Bullies Bullying in schools is a fact of life despite efforts to stop it. Learn how ECOT (Electronic Classroom of Tomorrow) offers an alternative for students struggling with education because of bullying.

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If you are the owner of a related site, and you would like to exchange links with me, please contact me. I personally review sites before inclusions, so please only suggest sites that are related to my blog and are of high quality.
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Happy parents raise happy kids. The inspiring blog of Ronit Baras, author,  life coach and public speaker, about parenting, kids, relationships, self esteem and personal development.

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Happy parents raise happy kids. The inspiring blog of Ronit Baras, author,   life coach and public speaker, about parenting, kids, relationships, self esteem and personal development.

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