From time to time, we get a knock on the door and someone asks for a donation to charity. The amount of money is up to us and the minimum is typically small. The person is pleasant and often seems like one of the people who would benefit from our donation to this charity.

But to me, this is money for nothing. Sure, research shows that people get a sense of generosity and feel good about themselves when they give money at the door, in the office or secretly in some other way. I still think this is a short-lived feeling that keeps injustice and bad management in our society long term.

Next time there is a knock on the door, the person who donates will be faced with the same dilemma. The next person knocking on the door will be in the same situation. Charity is not enough about change.

I believe that the fundamental ingredient missing from the charity model is self-respect. When a person cannot provide for themselves and relies completely on others for food, shelter and clothing, their sense of identity changes and they begin to see themselves as dependent and incapable of supporting themselves. If this goes on long enough, they end up feeling worthless.

Even if you have never been poor, maybe you have lost your job at some point or your partner has. The feeling of loss of self-worth can be debilitating. When it goes on for long enough and when the loss was big enough (like a top executive being laid off at an age that makes finding another job unlikely), some people even kill themselves. Standing in line for a social security handout is humiliating for anyone used to productive employment.

Money for nothing makes the recipient feel worthless.

Native Americans and Indigenous Australians are great examples of how this can affect large populations. Both were given autonomies in certain parts of their respective country, not necessary where they wanted, and both were given government handouts, supposedly as compensation for their lands being taken away from them. In both cases, many chose to live on the government subsidy and ended up spending their time and their money on drinking alcohol. In both cases, those who decided to go to work have done much better.

Human beings seem to have a sense of fairness in their exchanges and getting money for nothing is not a fair exchange.

A horrible example of this is Indian children who are maimed in order to become better beggars. In the minds of the people doing the maiming, those children's lives are better without an arm or an eye, because they can get enough money to survive and help support their families. But this also prevents them from being able to work when they grow up.

On the other hand, when we lived in Thailand, we did not see beggars on the streets. We saw people sitting in corners, on footbridges and between market stalls and selling little trinkets and flowers. We knew we did not need their wares when we purchased from them, but there was dignity in the exchange, smiles and hope.

For all of the above, Ronit and I decided to support the poor people of the world through Kiva. Kiva is an online microfinance organization that funds small projects all over the globe with money from other people. Each project is funded by a number of people, so the risk is shared. Every cent of funding is given as a loan, so the projects have to make business sense, succeed and pay back with interest.

We believe that Kiva prevents those in need from abandoning their responsibility for their lives and helps create a productive and supportive society globally and locally. Since poor people have limited access to computers and little knowledge of business, there are micro-banks acting on their behalf. They submit requests for funding for groups of farmers, producers or service providers, having trained them in running a business. The groups also keep their members on track and paying back.

For example, our first loan was to fifteen women from Paraguay (pictured at the top) that wanted to be able to offer a better future to their children. They are "fighters" who stretch themselves to their limits to give their families the basics to have a worthy life. The loan has helped them to buy fabrics, threads, needles, buttons and other sewing supplies.

Our second loan was to a farmer in Kenya (holding the sign in the picture above) who takes care of two children at home. He wants to ensure food security for his family. Before joining the group, he was only able to harvest 7 bags of maize 1 acre of land, but in 2011, he had an excellent maize yield of 18 bags on that land. The loan has helped him buy seeds and fertilizers.

When we signed up for Kiva, we did it as a family. We wanted our kids to know about the struggles of other people to help them appreciate their own life. We wanted them to be part of the giving and we wanted them to see that even when you are very poor, you still have a choice between being productive and being dependent.

Just in case you are jumping up and down, screaming, "But some people just can't sew or work a farm!" I want to mention another wonderful organization called the Endeavour Foundation. This organization takes care of people with mental and physical disabilities. Although much of its budget comes from donations and government support, it employs its clients in special workshops, where they make whatever they can make to help support themselves. They may not be able to provide everything for themselves, but they have the dignity of helping and doing what they can.

Many people say that kids have it all easy today. We may not have walked to school in blinding snowstorms, but from a technical point of view, our kids' life seems to be easier and we work hard to provide everything for them. I believe we need to ensure this does not become a kind of charity arrangement, or our kids will develop a dependent identity and lose the ability to care for themselves and their dignity.

No matter how small their contribution, a child's participation in housework and family decision-making is more about their self-esteem and independence than it is about the value they create (particularly when they are little). Do not give them "money for nothing". Get them to work for their gadgets as much as they can, get them involved in your giving, tell them about your own work, encourage them to take care of themselves and help them build a strong identity.

Empower the world one step at a time by helping those who help themselves.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money
• Anybody Can Do It
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

As a life coach, I talk a lot about wanting. I believe wanting is essential in life. It is the driving force of our existence. But today, I want to tell you about a session on my life coaching deck that reminded me again why the question "Why?" is as important as the question "What?" Chris, one of my wonderful clients, taught me a wonderful lesson about what happens when you do not know why.

All I knew about Chris was that he was a businessman in his early fifties, married, with no kids and a lack of motivation who was looking for a life coach. Nothing special. We all have those periods in our life when we just find it hard to get up in the morning.

This is what I told myself when I prepared for his session. The first time he came, when I opened the door, I saw from the corner of my eyes a classy Mercedes Benz parked outside. Well, the first thing I could think of was "Oh my god, what a beautiful car". I have to say it made me more curious about the reason he came. I thought that car was the result of lots of motivation.

Chris came out onto my deck, looked around and admired the yard. "What a beautiful place", he said, "Do you see all your clients here?" he asked. He seemed very friendly.

"Yes, I do. It makes everyone very relaxed, including me", I smiled.

He put his car keys on the table and said, "It's true. I feel relaxed already". He sat at the table and I asked him a bit about his life.

Life coaching involves some detective work. I take the puzzle pieces and try to put them together, looking for the piece that has the most important items on it, the piece that will make the picture clear. I asked and he was happy to answer. I think in some way, he wanted my help and presence to think out loud.

"Why are you here, Chris? What do you want?" I asked him.

He looked confused. "I really don't know. I think something's wrong with me".

Some people just do not know what they want. They sense that something is wrong and their life could be better, but they cannot put their finger on it. Asking "What do you want?" can open doors to places where they do not tend to go by themselves.

"What do you mean 'Something is wrong with me'?" I asked.

"I have a beautiful wife. We've been together 30 years now. I love her and she loves me ... I have a business that turns over millions of dollars every year ... I bought myself the car of my dreams last year", he said and I immediately thought about the classy car parked outside my house and I was sure many people have the same dream, "I have good friends that I see from time to time ... I go to church every weekend ... I have everything I wanted in life and still, there is something wrong with me".

My first reaction was, "Wow, this sounds like the perfect life. Why on Earth would any person who has everything everyone only dreams of say that something is wrong with him, but then Chris said, "I'm not happy".

Happiness is like a barometer. I think that people who realize this may feel a bit scared at first, but they have a great potential to be powerful.

"Why aren't you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know. I wish I could figure this out myself", he said. He looked sad.

When he was 16, Chris was kicked out of a very poor, disturbed home. After spending time as a homeless teen, hungry on the cold streets of England, he made up his mind to be a millionaire. "I knew I would be a millionaire one day. I've had hundreds of businesses over the years. I became a millionaire officially two years ago. Unfortunately, it had taken me 35 years to do it".

"Do you think something is wrong with you because it took you 35 years to become a millionaire?" I asked him.

"Yes, of course", he said, "Don't you think it's too long?"

"Some people spend their whole life trying and never become millionaires", I said to him, "I know many people who would be thrilled with being millionaires after 35 years. It's much better than never".

He looked at me surprised and said, "That's a good point. You're right".

Chris was sharp. The way he responded made me think that he was looking for someone to challenge his thinking and to help him thinking.

"What makes you happy?" I asked.

He hesitated and answered like a child who has been caught doing something bad. "Beer ... I get up in the morning and think of beer ... when I'm at work, I can only think of beer ... when I come back home, I only want beer".

I thought to myself, "What a waste. He reminds me of kids and their attitude to school breaks. Throughout the whole year, they look forward to the next school break, but when the long summer break finally arrives, they do not know what to do with all that spare time. I would have done so many things with that money. I wonder if Chris thought the same way before he had all that money".

"Do you only think of beer and want beer or do you actually drink beer?" I asked.

"Oh, I drink beer all day, but it doesn't even make me happy anymore. I told you something was wrong with me", he said.

It was funny, hearing a 50-year-old man talking like a child. "What's the problem with drinking beer all day?" I asked.

"I don't enjoy it and it makes me unhappy. I think I'm addicted", he said.

"Define addiction", I said. After hearing so many clients defining "addiction", I have perfected my own definition the word, but I wondered about his.

"Addiction is when you want something more and more, but when you get what you want, it is not satisfying and you want even more of it. It is a never-ending cycle. It gives you temporary comfort, but over time, it is less and less comforting and you need more and more of it", he said.

This trick always worked. When asked about addiction, every client comes up with a definition that sounds like it is the first time they have thought about it. The trick is to make them hear themselves defining it.

"When did you start drinking?" I asked him.

"I've been drinking all my life, but you know, once a week, nothing serious. I'm not sure exactly when I started drinking more. I think about two or two and a half years ago".

I had a feeling I had heard him talking about this timeframe. "What triggered it? Did something special happen back then, two or two and a half years ago?" I asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing", he said, playing with his car keys, then suddenly stopped.

We had about 2 minutes of silence. He looked at me and his eyes were shining. He knew exactly when his drinking had started. "It started at a party my wife and I organized for the whole office after I signed a big contract. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was in panic. I think I'm still in panic", he said with long pauses, as if he was talking to himself and thinking out loud.

"What was it that scared you so much?" I asked.

He sat back in his chair and played with his car keys again. There was another long period of silence. Then, he said, "I think I realized it didn't have the power I thought it did".

"What power?" I asked.

"The power to make me happy, the power to fix everything, the power to feel loved. I was given a magic lamp and there was nothing magic about it. All my life, I'd said, 'When I become a millionaire, it will fix everything' and it fixed nothing. I was the same man. It was so devastating I started to drink. I'm addicted to beer. Every day, I drink more than the previous day and it doesn't help".

When he talked about the magic lamp, I understood that most people think the same about money. They are addicted to making money. They want more of it, they make more of it, but it is never enough. The second you look in your bank account provides temporary comfort, but every time, the joy last less and less time. It is painful to find out that what you wanted all your life was not exactly what you thought it would be. Chris was just one more guy who was addicted to making money. He was just an addicted millionaire.

Addiction, from my experience, is a mindset. If you overcome one, you usually replace it with something else. Sometimes, I think it is a bottomless pit, caused by pain, that people try to fill in ways that only make the emptiness bigger. I had found the most valuable piece in this puzzle. Chris and I talked about addiction and I asked him to think of all the things in his life he was addicted to, based on his definition of addiction.

"I'm addicted to money", he said in relief.

Mostly poor people are addicted to money, because they are far more focused on wanting money than on what they would do with that money once they got it. They dedicate most of their energy in life to making money and not enough to using it well. They know what they want, but not why they want it.

Chris had been addicted to money since he was 16 years old. He had been in such pain from being thrown out of his home and living on the streets without food, he developed the belief that money was the cure for all his pains. He had started business after a business. He had failed and gotten up and earned more and more and finally, when he had reached his desired goal of being a millionaire and it had not filled up the emptiness, he had lost his motivation and wanted to drown himself in his disappointment, so he had swapped one addiction with another.

Emptiness cannot be filled with sugar, food, alcohol, money, drugs or any other addiction. Emptiness can only be replaced by a feeling of gratitude, self-appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and a strong feeling of love.

The millionaire game

It was the end of the session and Chris and I came up with a strategy for our next session. I told him next time we would play the "Millionaire game". I started playing this game when I was 24 and I had my first business. At home, we play it very often with the kids. In this game, we imagine what we would do with lots of money. When we talk about what we want to do with that money, it can help us find the why, the pain or discomfort we want this money to heal. If we know what we are missing in life, we can make good use of our money by buying this feeling with the money we have worked so hard to get. Money is a means to an end. When it becomes the goal, reaching our goal can be painful.

I felt lucky. It is not often you get a chance to sit with a real millionaire and ask him, "If you were a millionaire, what would you do with your money?"

Chris stood up and looked at the garden.

"You have a nice place. It's very relaxing here. Do you play games with all your clients?" he asked, smiling.

"As often as I can", I answered and stood next to him.

"I've always thought I was born 16 years old on the street. It's a strange thought. I don't remember myself playing games", he said. I think he understood that money was not really what he wanted. Maybe he was grieving his lost childhood.

As we both looked at the palm trees of my yard, I touched his shoulder and said, "It's never too late to start".

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty
• The art of Excellence (1): Success with high standards

If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

1. Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15^th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15^th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.
2. Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.
3. Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.
4. Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.
5. Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.
6. Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.
7. Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.
8. Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.
9. Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.
10. Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.
11. Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.
12. Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".
13. Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!
14. Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.
15. Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.
16. Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.
17. Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.
18. Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Anybody Can Do It
• Everyone can do it (with expert help)

Whether you know me from Family Matters, Be Happy in LIFE or The Motivational Speaker, you know how strongly I am into the "You can do it!" attitude. I am a life coach and an educator and ever since I started my first business at the age of 25, this has been my motto - I can do it! Everyone can!

I often use the quote "If you think you can or think you can't, you're right" as one of my life coaching favorites. I am in the business of happiness and my slogan is "Happiness is a choice!"

Even success on the Internet is a choice, isn't it?

If you have a business and want to open it to the Internet, if you want to get more business online, if you want to have tens of thousands of readers or a stream of buyers, if you want to know how to be successful at Internet marketing, sit tight and enjoy the ride.

A free event for suckers

[I know the word "suckers" is strong, but it is not my choice. This is what people ultimately call themselves when they realize what has happened to them. I have heard it enough times to know]

The first time I came into the Internet world was when Gal and I did our life coaching course. While everyone was working on establishing a practice, Gal, who had been an IT manager, was focusing on our online presence. By the end of my course, we were the only people, out of about 50 coaches, who had a site and a business card to give potential clients. After a while, our roles became clearer - I was an educator with over 20 years of experience and knew nothing about computer technology and Internet, and Gal was an IT professional with over 20 years experience and knew a lot about it. So I did the offline work and Gal did the online work.

The first thing you learn about starting a business on the Internet is that everyone can do it. I remember the first seminar I attended. You may have had the same experience yourself. It is a free event that makes hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales in one day. The food, the venue and the free gifts are nothing compared to how many suckers come to those events for the promise of sitting on the beach in a swimsuit with a laptop, sipping cool drinks and watching the dollars appearing on the screen every day and every hour.

The suckers' slogans

Gal and I went to our first event as life coaches. It was an awesome weekend. It was a great seminar and I learned a lot. For 2 days, they promised the world "Be your own boss! Work 3 hours a day! Money will be coming out of your ears!" and ... "Everyone can do it!"

I have to say I almost believed them. I wanted to believe them with all my heart, but because our life coaching course had promised exactly the same thing, I had the suspicion there was a pattern there. Luckily for us, it was not a test of our trust. We just did not have $10,000 to buy the product on offer. We were shocked that our fellow coaches spent so much money just weeks after they had spent thousands of dollars on the life coaching course.

If you have ever heard these slogans about trying to build a business on the Internet, be warned, someone is convinced you are a sucker and might be taking you for a ride.

Seminars that teach you online business have a system to convince you that everyone can do it. They show a woman who could hardly type and has a family to support in order to attract parents who want to make some quick cash and say she did it within 3 months in her spare time, in-between doing her daytime job, taking the kids from one activity to another, doing housework and oh, I almost forgot, a huge debt she was trying to pay. Or, they show you a group of teens without any capital who came up with a brilliant idea that became a hit overnight. Those events are like a magic show - you know there is a trick, but it is done so beautifully that you just accept it. You buy into the illusion.

What kills me every time is hearing the presenter say, "I'm a successful person and I'm here to teach you how to make money effortlessly, have lots of time off and have all the luxury you want". I especially hate the word "effortlessly". The harder life is for you, the louder you hear how effortlessly it can be done.

I always have the same question to those speakers - "If your system can make you a millionaire overnight, why would you spend your time sleeping away from your wife and kids, sleep in a different hotel every night for 200 days in a year to convince us, suckers, to buy your product? Why aren't you on the beach next to some amazingly blue water working an hour each day and drinking tequila? Isn't it because you are too busy running workshops?"

I never ask it out loud, because I know the answer. I have 30,000 readers a month because I understood that not everyone can do it. I certainly could not!

Overnight success

I swear to you I have tried. I spent hours studying the same course with Gal. The Internet marketing guru said to us, "You need $90 to buy a website and hosting and an hour a day. Everyone can do it." I sat 4 and sometimes 5 hours a day, watching videos, reading, summarizing and trying to implement, but pretty quickly, I realized that our Internet marketing guru's "overnight success" had taken about 8 years and the reason he was successful was that he sold Internet marketing products to aspiring Internet marketers. It was a closed market - people who were making money by convincing others they could make money using their own products. They even have affiliates that sell to the same people. It is like a feeding frenzy. There was so much dishonesty there (MLM, or "direct marketing", is the same).

My product was a coaching service. I did not want to tell my client they could make a fortune from my coaching, because it was just not true. Every time I watched Gal programming something, I freaked out. I wanted a business, not a course in HTML, PHP, CSS or any other strange acronym. I wanted to work with my clients, do my workshops and sell my books, not to sit in front of the computer all day long.

So many readers come to my site because I decided to give up trying to prove that everyone can do it by doing it myself. Instead, I focus on what I do best and allow the Internet marketer in the family to do what he does so well. Coaching and doing Internet marketing are two different skills and focusing on one leaves much less time for the other.

All my life coaching buddies wanted a website and spent months learning something that Gal did in 2 weeks. In the meantime, they neglected their life coaching practice and got nowhere in both areas.

The reason I feel uncomfortable when people ask, "How did you do it?" is because I did not do it, at least not on my own. Someone had to take my parenting advice, my books and my coaching services and publish them so that many people would actually get to see them.

My message to you is that the online world is big and keeps expanding. Yes, at some stage every business will have a site, even if only for presence. If you want a business online, if you want buyers online, if you want a website even just as an online brochure with your contact details, stick to what you do best and let those who know Internet marketing do the rest for you.

The same applies to any business service and even to family and parenting services, such as accounting, public relations, gardening, construction and architecture. In the same way you would not reinvent a smart phone and prefer to buy one that has been developed by experts, using expert services can produce better results (perhaps more expensive upfront, but cheaper over time) and allow you to concentrate on what you do well and enjoy doing.

You just have to let go of the illusion.

Life is much better this way.

Happy days,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a list: Beliefs about Money
• Anybody Can Do It

He describes a drug user's life as the chase of highs that never ends. He says that highs last less and less time and the in-between periods become more and more difficult and stressful.

That made me think about the way life seems to be going for many people these days and about how we are being encouraged from every direction essentially to live the life of drug addicts or alcoholics. Our drugs are legal, but we are no less dependent on them and they do us a very similar amount of harm.

Our drugs are money, fame, gadgets, brand names, number of followers on Twitter, number of fans on Facebook, trophies and grades, our kids' trophies and grades, rank or title at work, the size of our house, the model of our car, being up to date with the latest gossip, our highest level at some video game and so on. They may not be chemical, but they are all addictive. We chase them, they give us a short "high" and then we need to go after the next "hit".

People who live like this are never happy. Not really. They are very happy occasionally for a little while, but most of the time, they feel frustrated, stressed and depressed. Many people are forced to learn how to help an alcoholic member of their family who becomes abusive when drunk. This is no different to having a member of the family addicted to video games or chat when they are not "using".

But is the way to happiness not through reaching a comfortable life with all the trimmings? Are we not going to be happy when we have enough money, enough things, enough room in the house for all the things, a good enough car that never breaks and so on?

No, we are not, because the feeling that we have enough is not related to what we have or how much we have of it. Our happiness is not linked directly to our lot in life. That connection is made through our mind and through our perception of ourselves and what we have.

What we need to look for are ways to feel good and be happy for a lot longer. What we need are things that make us feel better the longer we do them, so if we never actually accomplish them, that is a good thing.

Dr. Martin Seligman is a famous happiness researcher and the founder of the field of Positive Psychology. While the rest of the psychology and psychiatry academics tried to help mentally ill people recover and return to healthy society, Dr. Seligman wanted to help normal people discover how to live "the good life" and be happy.

I recently watched Seligman's TED presentation on positive psychology. Among other things, he talked about the different kinds of happiness we can aspire for, which did two things for me. It gave me a clear and concise description of the way to happiness, which I will share with you below. After talking about it with Ronit and the kids, I also realized how happy my own family was and why.

Pleasure - Short Term Happiness

We get pleasure from eating something tasty, watching our favorite show, having sex and buying something we like. The feeling is strong and satisfying. We feel present and alive, as if every nuance of the experience is distinct and powerful - the depth of flavor, the cleverness of the jokes, the touch of the skin and the way we picture ourselves using or wearing our new purchase. It feels great!

But it does not last. If you like coffee, you know the best sip of any cup is the first one. The last bite of food does not taste nearly as good as the first one. And what happens when you hear a joke the 4^th time?

Also, most of the time, we do not eat or drink. Our favorite show is only on for a short period each day and if we bought things all day long, we would run out of money very quickly and the pleasure will more than disappear.

We can extend pleasures if we capture them on paper, film or in digital form and relive them in our memories, but that normally gives us a weaker experience compared to the original.

Bottom line: pleasure makes us happy, but not for long. Find out what gives you pleasure and you can have more of it. Capture your great experiences so they can make you happy again, but remember that total pleasure seeking is like being addicted to drugs.

Flow - Medium Term Happiness

Have you ever been so absorbed in reading a book, engaged in building a model airplane or "giving it your all" in a sporting activity that you "woke up" from it after 2 hours and wondered where the time had gone? At the same time, you probably felt like what you had been doing was well worth your time and that you had been happy doing it.

This is what "flow" is. It is being so involved in what you are doing, the rest of the world ceases to exist for you. It is performing at the peak of your abilities and being so completely focused you achieve many times more than you would if you were preoccupied or stressed.

We are in flow when we do things we like to do and things we are confident doing. Top athletes are in flow when they are engaged in their sport. They know they can do it well and they enjoy it, so they are "in their element". The good results only reinforce their confidence and increase their flow, which creates a positive cycle.

Top sales people are in flow when they talk to clients. Top artists are in flow when they paint, sculpt, compose, sing or play an instrument. Top authors are in flow when they write.

No matter who you are, there are things you do well and like to do. You may not perform at Olympic levels, but you are confident enough to be relaxed and focus when you do these things. You enjoy doing them so much you can do them for long stretches - hours, not minutes.

Ronit and I are in flow when we help people feel better about themselves. We spend hours every day doing just that. When we finish a session with a client, rather than feeling worn out, we feel refreshed and energized, having spent our time in happiness.

To create more opportunities for flow, find out what you are good at and enjoy doing and choose it as your profession. This way, you can be happy more of your time. Similarly, choose to spend your time with people who make you feel good and share your interests. By setting goals to achieve desired outcomes in your life, you can also increase your focus and engagement (and possibly your pleasure).

Still, there are many things we need to do that we do not like, are not good at or both, so flow does not make us happy all the time.

Bottom line: flow makes us happy for longer and is related to our skills and preferences. With the right job, hobbies, goals and people, you can be engaged and happy more of your time, but still not always.

Purpose - Long Term Happiness

Is there anything that can help us accept boredom, discomfort and hardship in life with a graceful smile? Is there anything that can help us view what needs to be done as achievement?

Yes, there is, and the people who have found it are the happiest of them all. It is called "purpose" or "meaning".

No matter what gives meaning to your life, it simply makes everything you do worthwhile. If you find your meaning in raising your children, changing a diaper is an act of love. If your fulfillment comes from helping the homeless, anyone with ragged clothes and rotting teeth may be an opportunity to be kind. If your purpose is to improve the gender equality in our society, a heated public debate is a chance for you to deliver your message and make a difference.

Purpose put everything we do in life in a different perspective, so it makes us continually happy, no matter what happens.

Ronit and I believe that empowering parents is the key to changing the world and creating a society based on acceptance, respect and harmony. Everything we do in life and business either directly serves that purpose or sustains us so we can keep serving our purpose. Imagining our kids living in such a warm and friendly place makes us happy every day, no matter how many obstacles the universe throws at us. It is all worth it.

Find your "higher calling", the thing that gives significance to your life, that makes you and everything you do very very important. Write that down and post it over your bed and in your office. Spend your days making that dream a reality with everything you do, directly or indirectly, and be happy in life.

Bottom line: purpose makes us feel important and part of a great thing at the same time. It is always there to guide us and give us meaning and thus, it makes us happy.

May your days be filled with pleasures, may your time flow and may your purpose guide you to happiness

Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

As you can imagine, I started the day feeling frustrated with the time it took to arrange the workshop, but here is the story of what happened to the parents and me that got me to a completely different feeling in the end - gratitude.

8:30 am

I set up everything in the beautiful Resource Center next to the Junior Playground. Cherie said she was not sure how many parents would come. In some of the events she had organized for parents, only one or two of them had come. For this workshop, she had personally contacted each of the parents who had been struggling with their children.

"Ronit, we have many struggling parents", she said to me several times. The school's academic achievements had been low for many years and the last professional development with the teachers had shifted something in the dynamic of the school and in the academic achievements, so Cherie thought the parents were the next piece of the puzzle.

A woman from the office came and said two parents had called to say they would not come and one mother had turned up in the morning asking to join in. Cherie started telling me a bit about the parents, but then, the parents started arriving, so she said, "You'll see for yourself. They really need this".

9:00 am

14 women were sitting behind their desks and waiting anxiously for the workshop to start. Cherie introduced me, described the big shift that had happened to her teachers after going through my program and reassured them she would pop in occasionally throughout the day.

We did a round of introductions. I told the parents about myself, my profession, my family, my passion and my expectations from the day and asked each of them to introduce herself, tell us about her kids, challenges and expectations. This is what I gathered from them in half an hour of introduction.

• 4 of them used drugs
• 7 of them had missing teeth
• 1 of them was blind. Her daughter and son-in-law used drugs and sexually abused her 5- and 7-year-old grandchildren and she was fighting for custody of, because her grandchildren to keep them out of foster care
• 3 of them said they had children with ADHD
• 2 said they were being physically abused by their partners
• 1 said she had been sexually abused as a child
• 5 of them said they were mentally ill
• 1 of them said she had a 9-years-old daughter who was blind
• 1 of them was the school secretary who was there to support another mother who was afraid she would not be able to cope on her own. She said she had 4 teenage children and she struggled with them regularly
• 3 of them said their kids had been taken away from them at some stage
• 1 of them said her 6-year-old daughter had been born with brain damage. The girl was tiny and had an intellectual disability, but the mother was there because she struggled with her teenage daughter
• 7 of them said their kids had Asperger Syndrome
• 6 of them had no extended family to support them - the school caters for many migrant families
• 4 of them worked
• 2 of them (besides the school secretary) had a profession. 1 said she was a photographer and 1 said she was a massage therapist
• 10 of them were single mothers
• 1 of them was a single grandmother
• 1 of them had 4 kids, was pregnant and lived with an abusive, drunk, drug-using partner who was not the father of her children
• 13 of them (all except the secretary) said their kids struggled academically

When we finished the round of introductions, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I looked at the group of mothers who were in constant struggle and realized what Cherie had to go through every day. How on Earth can you expect kids to perform when their life circumstances are so tough? How can these children study when their parents are in such desperate survival mode?

For a second, I felt helpless. Maybe I even felt a little sorry for myself. Inside, I heard a voice saying, "Snap out of it, Ronit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your life is bliss compared to theirs. You have a job to do. Just do it!"

I think I had this coping mechanism for a long time. Whenever I came to a place to run a program and things were in bad shape, I told myself that everything I could do would help and then I felt empowered.

I asked the participants to raise their hands if they had ever taken a parenting course. None did. For them, a parenting course was a luxury and they were there only because the school was paying and because the principal and the secretary had sent them personal invitations and called 6 times to make sure they would come.

I looked at each of them and realized I was blessed with wonderful children, a great, kind husband, a good father for my children, good health, professional skills, an extended family that was far away but emotionally supportive and financial comfort. It was easy to take life for granted, but the other women in the room had none of my luck.

11:00 am

We reached the section about their happiness and there was a silence in the room. Everyone stared at me and looked at each other with embarrassed smiles.

"Do you mean what would make our kids happy?" one of them asked.

"No, I mean what would make you happy", I said. There was still quiet in the room. I decided to start with the mother who asked the question. "What would make you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know", she said.

"Then how do you want to be happy if you don't know what would make you happy?"

She lowered her eyes.

"How do you want to make your kids happy if you don't know what it means to be happy?" I asked everyone again.

I think that hurt them and motivated them to find some answers. Slowly, one after the other, they started saying things that made them happy. At that point, there was a small shift in atmosphere in the room.

While in a usual workshop with diverse parents, we come up with a happy list in three minutes, this group took much longer. I usually give parents about two minutes to complete their own list of 100 happy things, but in this group, 14 women could barely came up with 10 items together.

Most of them said they did not think they would ever get to 100 happy items on their list. I knew it was really hard. For a group of highly frustrated, badly struggling women, this was a hard task. Most of them were trying so hard just to survive they had never given themselves permission to want anything. Happiness was a luxury for them.

2:30 pm

I started to wrap up. I asked each of the participants to tell the group what she had gotten from the workshop. Everyone was emotional and looked at the principal with lots of gratitude as they spoke. One of them said to me, "I reckon my friends at the drug rehab center should attend this course". I smiled. I knew most of the topics in the workshop were applicable to life in general. All of the areas covered during the day focused on taking control over our own destiny.

3:00 pm

One by one, they stood at the door, while their kids waited outside to be picked up. They gave me a big, long hug and said, "Thank you". One of them said with tears in her eyes, "I came to learn about my kids and how to parent them and I learned more about myself. Thank you, Ronit!"

The mother who had joined that morning was a gorgeous woman who looked like a model. During the session on communication styles, she discovered she was kinesthetic and was very happy when I said kinesthetic people needed to go with to their instincts more. She gave me a big hug and said, "I got up this morning with the feeling I had to come today. Something inside told me that I had to be here. I am so glad I listened to that feeling".

Another one said, "It's funny. When you said in the morning that by the end of the day we would leave the room different people, I didn't believe it was possible, but it sure was a life changing experience. I always thought it takes a long time to change, but it's not true. Thanks for proving to me I can change". She then went to the principal and said, "Thank you Cherie for thinking of me".

For about half an hour, we said goodbye. I was emotional too. I thanked each of them for coming. "You don't need to thank us. We need to thank you", said the blind grandmother.

"Oh, I need to thank you for your honesty, for your willingness to share, for dedicating your day to being here and for learning to be good, happy parents", I replied.

4:00pm

I packed my things and put everything in my box. I was a bit tired. I could not stop thinking of those women's misfortunes. It made my good fortune seem even better. Cherie helped me clear the tables from all the toys and markers.

"Sorry I didn't have time to warn you", she said while picking up pieces of paper from the floor.

"Oh, they did a very good job introducing themselves", I said, packing my laptop.

"They got a lot from you today", she said. I think she was trying to encourage me.

That morning, I told the parents that every interaction we have has the potential to change us and what matters most is what we choose to get from each other. I think I had talked to myself too.

I smiled at Cherie and said, "It's nothing compared to what I got from them".

Have a happy, grateful day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• More Control – Less Power

I grew up in a very simple family, you could even say a struggling family, with 5 children, and most of us are in a very stable financial status. My dad, who worked very hard all his life and was the money manger it the house, taught us very well. My family is proof that you do not have to be rich to raise kids with a wealth mindset. I think that if my dad could do it, you can too.

Here are my parenting rule about money, saving, investing and raising children who know their way through financial management.

1. Teach your kids to love money, use money wisely and to manage money well - they will need those skills for a long time. First, you have to do it yourself. Kids who grow up in a family with money have better beliefs about money and use it differently to kids who grow up to a family that struggles financially.
2. Give kids pocket money as soon as they can count to 10 - learning to keep money is an important skill that can be taught very early and the longer your children have time to practice earning, saving, investing and spending, the better they will be at it.
3. Have a coin box in the house where all the coins go - it will teach kids to appreciate coins as something of value and demonstrate to them how little things accumulate over time. It will also show them how pooling resources can be useful where each person cannot manage alone.
4. Never ever give money rewards for success at school - the real reward for success is self-confidence. The desire to succeed and be good at something is internal, while payment is external and your kids will always do better in life by being internally motivated. If you want to celebrate successes, use the money to celebrate it by doing something fun rather than giving it as a prize.
5. Make sure your kids save some of their money - teach them the 10% rule, which will help them in life. Always spend 10% less than what you earn. It is not easy for kids to keep money, but money management includes earning, spending wisely and saving. No one can be financially stable without mastering all three of these. If this is not how you live yourself, make that a family project to begin with.
6. Show your children how to measure their income and expenses - teach them the simple rule "your standard of living is the difference between what comes in and what goes out" as early as possible in life. Kids can easily record their income and expenses in their school diary or on the computer and gradually learn about government fees (like a driver's license), insurance, utility bills, rent and so on.
7. Teach your kids always to have something to look forward to - help them set financial goals and find things they want to have or do that cost money. This will help them understand that money is a vehicle we use to achieve what we want in life and that having money without using it makes it worthless.
8. If your kids want something that is beyond their reach, use this as an opportunity for them to learn about borrowing, loans and interest. Help them out. Give them incentives to earn and save money and teach them to pay on time. When they are old enough, also tell them about leverage.
9. Teach your kids to shop around before purchasing anything - saving money by comparing deals (not just prices) is a very useful money management skill. Teach kids to compare apples with apples and develop their concept of "value for money". This includes focusing features, guaranties, service and suitability.
10. Eliminate brand name from your shopping list - kids are just kids and they are highly influenced by what their friends have, but if they want you to buy then something because their friends have it, they will get hooked on the most dangerous "drug" of our society. Make sure the brand name is not a reason to purchase something but the use and the quality of it.
11. Teach your kids the difference between an investment and an expense - the different between money that works for you and money the just goes away. Investment develops planning, patience and willingness to sacrifice something today to have much more tomorrow, all typical qualities of successful people.

I hope that reading some of these parenting "commandments" has helped you find the correlations between our parenting philosophy and the quality of upbringing out children receive. Having a parenting bible does not guarantee you will have a successful parenting experience, but it certainly is a good starting point that prevents you from re-inventing the wheel and second-guessing yourself endlessly.

Having a parenting philosophy is essential to good and successful parenting and making it into a bible with do and don't commandments will make it easier for you to focus. In this series, I shared with you my parenting bible at the request of a participant in one of my parenting workshops. I hope it has inspired you to write your own.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Parents Doing Business
• Lifestyle of the rich and the famous

In their song Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous, Good Charlotte sing about how celebrities complain all the time and say their life is hard, even though they have money, mansions and other things money can buy. By contrasting fame and fortune with living on the streets, this song reflects general public sentiment very well.

But it is not true.

If you have been anywhere near a TV set in the past few weeks, read any newspaper or even glanced at a magazine at the checkout line, you have seen them - Prince William and Kate Middleton. Their lives and upcoming wedding were covered from every angle and then, their wedding was covered in even more detail. Anyone who had anything to do with them at any time was interviewed ad nauseam and every bit was replayed over and over again.

We generally watch little television, but I happened to catch one of the programs on "Will and Kate", in which Prince William's life in college was covered, including a trip to Chile, where he roughed it out as a volunteer. There was footage of him first thing in the morning, barely awake, cooking porridge for everyone and narrating the whole thing, including the horrible taste of the porridge.

It clearly stood out from the program that Prince William was comfortable being famous and treated the film crew with respect. He was polite and composed and had a shy smile on his face most of the time.

When the program continued, someone from the media commented on how Kate started out being nice to journalists, but had grown impatient with them in the previous few weeks. That comment did not surprise me somehow. I had seen similar reports about many people who were new to celebrity.

I started to think that the main difference between Prince William and Kate is that Prince William was born a mega celebrity and simply grew into the role, whereas for Kate, being the subject of such a media frenzy was a new thing. I believe Kate was overwhelmed by what she was losing when she became a celebrity, while Prince William took it easy, because he had never had it and had lost nothing.

You see, when we sit in our humble home, surrounded by our family, after a day of normal work and school, we wish for the things we do not have, but we forget that everything has a price. We imagine the glamour, the glitz and the freedom afforded to those who have lots of money of fame, and we choose to ignore and downplay the things that go with them, such as super-high pressure, massive temptations and brutal invasion of privacy.

Being happy is not directly linked to the amount of money you have or to the number of people who recognize your face. Being happy is linked strongly to how kind you are to yourself and others (within your means) and how much people really care about you.

Money and fame can be vehicle to happiness. When used well, they can magnify everything you do. But in the incessant pursuit of money and fame, most people forget that they are only means and not the goal.

The real goal is happiness. It is everyone's real goal.

Ronit and I have been to many seminars on wealth creation, where we heard that in order to have a lot of money, you must love money. You must get excited by the thought of having piles and piles of it. And we were sitting there, thinking, "But we don't want money. We want to be happy. Money is just a magnifier of who we are and if we are money chasers, having money will just help us chase more money faster".

Because in life, you do not get what you want. You get what you focus on.

Would you rather have lots of money or a loving family?

Would you rather have a highly paid job, the industry's respect and long working hours or enough time to watch your kids grow and become wonderful people under your care and influence?

Would you rather come home to impeccable order and shiny new things or to a warm and lived-in place, where every item carries memories of precious events and people?

Would you rather eat lavishly with your boy- or girl-du-jour in the most expensive places to the sound of camera clicks and whispers of people who feel fortunate to be in your presence or have a quiet, romantic dinner with your childhood sweetheart at an affordable restaurant and whisper naughty things to each other because there is nobody hiding under your table with a recorder?

Would you rather live with people who want what you have and will do pretty much anything to get it or with people you can trust, who will drop everything and come to your aid when you need them?

Would you rather measure your self-worth by the amount of money they have, how often you are mentioned in the papers and the number of "friends" you have online or by the strength of your character and the happiness around you?

Ultimately, it is your choice. And you are making it every day. And what you say matters very little, because what you do always speaks louder.

As a parent, your kids will do what Prince William did. They will adapt.

They will notice your daily actions and your daily choices and believe them to be the best anyone can make. They will decide that if they want to be like Mommy and Daddy, they had better do the same. And they will start to put that into action right away, no matter what you say to them. Because what you do always speaks louder.

To really drive home the message that happiness is more important than anything else is, you must live this choice every day as a person and a parent. Your career, your home, your car, your habits and your behavior must reflect that choice.

Look around you slowly and deliberately and pay attention to the things that make you happy - familiar things that make you feel safe, toys and tools linked to pleasant memories and furniture that gives you a sense of belonging. Imagine the people in your life – your partner, your kids, your parents and your friends - and think of all the things they do for you - the smiles, the touches, the little services, the thoughtful presents, the special cards, the acceptance, the understanding, the support…

Are you smiling yet?

You just cannot buy these things with money or fame, can you?

Have a beautiful day,
Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• More Control – Less Power
• Parents Doing Business

Actually, for most people, the reaction would be a sinking feeling at the pit of their stomach, caused by the idea of the excessive (some say insane) shopping set in motion by the coming holiday. Previously a European-style Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus, Christmas has been transformed by massive retail chains into a worldwide shopping frenzy observed by followers of pretty much every possible faith.

On the face of it, all this buying and sharing of gifts is intended to increase the happiness of both givers and receivers and create a festive and generous atmosphere. But in reality, people spend hours agonizing over gift ideas, finding out where they can buy them without mortgaging their clothes, actually buying them, wrapping them, hiding them, keeping the secret of what they are and wondering how they will be received by loved ones and those we just had to buy gifts for.

On the receiving end, people (especially kids) spend months waiting to get the special things they put on their wish list for Christmas, only to be disappointed with what they actually get, because nobody ever gets everything on their list, even if they get some of it.

Can you see the level of happiness going up here? I sure don't.

The original figure behind Santa Claus was a kind bishop, who used his influence and means to help the poor. This really made everybody happy and was a good thing to do, especially when other bishops behaved quite differently.

Nowadays, the massive shopping season leaves everybody poorer than they were before, while putting lots of money in the bank accounts of the high priests of Money and Greed. By using our social fears, we are being pressured into forgetting all about happiness and just buying and buying and buying.

People do a lot to be happy, but they do second-order things and believe they will make them happy, rather than working on happiness directly. Ask anyone who wants anything "What will you get out of it?" enough times and they will get to happiness.

For example, say your child wants a Wii. What they will get out of it is could be the feeling they are valued by their parents enough to spend money on them. It could be social inclusion, moving from the "have not's" to the "have's". It could be hours and hours of fun time when you are away at work. Directly or indirectly, they want the Wii to make them happier.

So let's bring it back to happiness, shall we?

What does happiness cost?

Very often, it costs nothing.

To make your child feel valued, a well-directed compliment can do a great job. The habit of complimenting your children when they have done something kind, smart, brave or helpful can go a long way to make them feel valued at no cost.

Using material possessions to gain social status works on those who appreciate material possessions and lasts just as long as you can keep up. It is a dangerous and costly race, which often misses the point. Self-confidence and empathy, on the other hand, last a lifetime and earn the respect and friendship of people (kids) who value themselves and who support more confidence and more empathy.

Spending time with your children, really paying attention to them when they need you, hugging them and telling them how great they are will help them succeed, build their confidence and direct them towards other kids who share the values of mutual support and encouragement. No money down. Zero monthly payments. All free.

What about the hours of fun? Well, depending on your circumstances, may I suggest going out to nature or to a nearby park. For best results, add some friends into the mix and stir.

Our 9-year-old Noff often goes across the street to a friend who is 3 years older than she is. She disappears in the morning and returns in the evening, having missed lunch with us, with her face beaming. While she was gone, she has baked muffins, played board games, helped move things around the yard and spent hours imagining different world with her friend and acting them out with dolls and stuffed animals.

Not only does this cost us nothing, we even save on lunch! OK, so Noff is not much of eater and her friend comes over too sometimes, but you get the picture, right?

When it comes to gifts, think of the ones that have made you smile and feel loved. Think of the presents that have meant a lot to you. Was that ever related to their price tag? Was it ever because they were the latest gadget?

Whatever the present, I always pay the most attention to the card. My best gift memories are when I realized my grandmother had listened to me and waited patiently for my birthday to give me exactly what I wanted, or a framed picture of my daughter for my office, "So you don't miss me so much when you're at work, Daddy".

It may be too late for a lot of people, so perhaps you can remember it for next year. Go over the list of people you will be with this holiday season and ask yourself, "What can I do to make them happy?" Getting them a special tie or a salad bowl may be an option, if they like special ties or salad bowls, but focus on the happiness and see how your choices change.

This question may also bring up things like smiling at them, hugging them, saying how happy you are to be with them and how important they are for you. These go well with any gift and when written on a Christmas card. Not surprisingly, they also change the focus of your loved ones towards making you happy.

Have a truly happy Christmas this year,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

I wanna be a billionaire so <beeping> bad
Buy all of the things I never had
I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh I swear
The world better prepare
For when I'm a billionaire

Call me a pest, but after hearing them sing it many (many) times, I thought it might be a good chance to bring up the topic of money.

Ronit and I believe that kids should be exposed to various topics at different ages simply because they are part of life. They may not "get it" every time, but they "get" a little bit more and develop their understanding over time. This way, they have fewer surprises when they become adults and have to take care of themselves.

The issue of money is no different.

We also believe that in life, we get what we focus on, which is a great reason to encourage kids to focus on being happy and using their money wisely, rather than just on becoming billionaires.

So I worked my way up, starting with 9-year-old Noff. I asked her, "Noff, if you really were a billionaire, what would you do?"

"Buy all of the things I never had", she said cheerfully.

"Like what?"

"A [Nintendo] DS", she said, "An iPod … oh, and a Wii … and Wii Fit".

"Actually, you won't", I said, "Because the reason you don't have them now isn't money. Being a billionaire doesn't mean our rules have changed. You don't have those things because Mom and I think you watch enough TV and play on the computer enough anyway and we prefer that you do other things with your time".

Noff let out a disappointed whine.

"What else?" I asked.

"Clothes. Lots of clothes. And SHOES", she said. Noff just loves shoes, which is why when we go shopping, we often refer to her as Imelda Marcos.

"OK, so let's say we go shopping with a billion dollars and buy you all those gadgets you wanted and lots of clothes and shoes. How much money will you have left?" I asked.

"I don't know", she said.

We worked out that if every piece of clothing and pair of shoes cost $100 on average, she would need less than $6,000 for everything she wanted.

"I also want to travel", she said, her face lighting up with the discovery.

"You could buy an open 'around the world' ticket for $50,000 and travel for a pretty long time. This will get your total to $56,000. Let me write that down for you next to a billion, so you can see how much is left", I said.

56,000

1,000,000,000

"I don't know what else to do", Noff admitted.

"Until now, you've only thought of yourself. Is there anything you want to get for anyone else?" I suggested.

"No, not really", she said.

"Not even for the people you love?"

"No. I don't know what they want", she said. Later on, she added travel for Eden too, which would have been generous, if she did not explain that Eden would be traveling with her, taking care of her and keeping her company…

Then, I asked 15-year-old Tsoof what he would do if he were a billionaire.

"I'll buy a big house", he said, "I want to have a music room that's the size of our house, so I need a bigger place".

"What will you do in that music room?"

"I'll compose and play my music. I'll buy all the instruments I need and all the equipment and software and make music", he said.

"So you'll spend your days in the music room, just playing your music?" I asked, "Sound kind of lonely and you might run out of money at some stage. Will you do any work at all?"

"Um, oh, I'll also record my music and sell it and participate in competitions and stuff to promote my career", he said, "And I'll perform it, too".

"So you'll be doing things that will bring you even more money", I said.

"Yeah", he said, "But I'll be able to just do the things I love".

"That's great", I said, "Combining your passion and having fun with creating a good income is a really smart way to live. This is what Mom and I are doing, you know. We love to help people and we love parenting and personal development, so we do these things for a living and have a great life that way".

Just in case you wondered, it was not always like that for me. I used to have a corporate IT job, which was interesting and paid well, but had no soul.

By that stage, we were taking a nice walk in a park and I mentioned the term "investment", explaining to the kids how to take someone else's money (most often, the money comes from a bank in the form of a loan), invest it and make it grow quickly. I wanted to make it clear to them, so I drew this:

"You take some of your money, say $20,000, and borrow $80,000 from the bank. Now, you buy a house for $100,000", I said.

"After a few years, your house has doubled in value. The bank still has the same amount, but how much money do you now have?"

"$120,000", Tsoof said.

"Which is how many times your original amount, Noff?"

After a bit of thinking and calculating, she said, "6 times!"

I was actually a bit surprised they got it, but all this talking made me come up with a few ideas I wanted to share with other parents (you, that is):

1. Dreaming about having a lot of money can help kids turn a vague concept into a detailed image of what it is like. Kids are very good with imagination, so this becomes a vivid experience for them, complete with pictures, sounds and feelings.
2. Imagining a wealthy life also brings up the issue of enjoying that life and the kids quickly realize that money is not happiness by itself and neither are things you can buy with it. Instead, money is just a way to get happiness, if you know what makes you happy.
3. There are 3 components to a rich and happy life: taking care of yourself, taking care of others and taking care of tomorrow. Kids are not very good at any of them, because they have little experience, but over time, they catch on well.
4. Taking care of yourself means staying healthy, safe and happy. It includes buying the goods and services you need, as well as the things that make you happy. It also includes doing what you love and being able to express yourself.
5. Taking care of others is what gives you purpose and keeps you motivated. It includes doing things that give others genuine value, being kind with your time and money and showing others the way to a good and happy life.
6. Taking care of tomorrow means having a source of income to enable your great life and contribution. It includes turning your passion into a business, protecting yourself for a rainy day and making your money work for you.
7. The main point in talking to your kids about money is NOT what you teach them. It is what you ask them. When they passively absorb information, that information fades quickly, but when they have to come up with answers, they engage in the learning and retain a lot more.
8. Also, you may have a different communication style from your kids and when you explain things, they may not quite grasp them, but when they need to figure things out to provide an answer, they must create their own understanding of the situation, making it much clearer.

I hope this helps.

May your kids be billionaires,
Gal

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