Here are the last 5 typical teenager thoughts and tips to prevent or eliminate them.

I prefer to be alone

"Thank God they are going away this weekend. I can have the house to myself. I can watch TV as much as I like, play the computer as much as I like and eat whatever I want. Freedom at last!"

What parents can do

When kids reach the teen years, they loves to be on their own sometimes and it is normal and healthy for them to be on their own. Even bringing a babysitter to stay with them (to take care of the other kids, of course) can give them that sense of freedom and it is not a sign of your good or bad parenting.

Having an evening when they can do something different is very attractive to teenagers and as a parent, you need to provide them with opportunities for such time. I remember myself at the age of 15 having the time of my life when my parents were away for the weekend. I did all the same things I did when they were there, but it felt better. On evenings when they went out, we played hide and seek in the dark and I still have wonderful memories of those special days.

When kids are young, have an evening a week away from home. Go to the movies or meet friends, just leave the house and let them know they have the house for themselves so they can plan what to do. Our kids order pizza some evenings or make their own dinner, they walk to the local shops to bring a movie, they play on the computer a bit longer and listen to music in full volume. They bake or go to have dinner outside and they have a wonderful bonding time together.

It is OK if they do not join all your weekend activities and you will find that your time away is a very happy occasion for your teens. It is not losing power but giving and gaining respect. Remember to set the rules about bedtime or having friends over (we do not allow our kids to invite friends over when we are not home for safety reasons, because if there is a child in our house, we are responsible for them in the eyes of the law and we obviously cannot be responsible if we are not there).

I'm better than my parents

"I'm much smarter than my dad. He was not that smart when he was my age. That's a shame. He no longer can help me."

What parents can do

This is life. Kids today are smarter than their parents were and it is better not to fight it and try to show them you are smarter. However, although you may not be smarter, you are wiser, so it is not true you cannot help them. Your love, your experience, your years of practice and your caring are the greatest ways anyone can help and you will be able to give them for a long time.

Stop pretending to be "all knowing". You are not! When your teens ask you something and you do not know the answer, say, "I don’t know the answer for this, but I'll help you find it". My kids are very musical and all play musical instruments. I do not know how to read music (I once asked them to teach me to play a piano piece - you can see my first piano concert). Since they were young (for Tsoof, since he was 5 years old), they cannot ask my help with their music, but I consider myself a wonderful helper with their musical adventures. I sit with them, listen when they play, enjoy it, praise them, take them to and from rehearsals and private lessons. You do not have to play music to help your kids with music and you do not have to know math to help them with their math homework.

If a child needs help, learn to admit that you do not know, but always be willing to help them find the answer or the solution. Being there for them is the smartest thing you can do.

Time to leave

"I don't think like them anymore. I don't agree with anything they say. Maybe it's the end of our relationship. We can't live in the same house when they say one thing and I say the opposite. That's no way to live together. Maybe it's time for me to leave."

What parents can do

Thinking differently is no reason to leave, but when teens reach a point when there are too many conflicts, they may do anything to avoid them. Many parents instill this thought in kids'/teens' mind in two ways.

• When they divorce or separate, they give the child the message that there is a point in time when there are too many arguments and it is better to say goodbye. There is no way around it. Every separation, even if it is done in the best way possible, will plant the seed of "Too hard means no love and goodbye" (most of the time, it is "badbye").
• When parents use their position to control the child and send them conditional messages, like "To get my love and appreciation, you need to be successful at school/smart/sporty/do what I tell you/agree with me/obey my instructions, etc", then the kids think that agreement = love and therefore disagreement means there is no love.

Many adults are still in this position, trying to please their own parents to get over this feeling. So, this belief is very heavy to carry and teens carry it to adulthood. Try to make sure your relationships are not full of conditions. A rule of thumb: if you talk too much about discipline, you are parenting with conditions.

I look horrible

"My skin is not the same as it was before. I looked in the mirror for hours and I don't know what to do. Kids make fun of my freckles/pimples. I wish I could find a way to hide it."

What parents can do

No teenager's skin is ever the same as they were during childhood, so this is a very natural feeling and it is not easy to cope with, especially during the teenage years, when so much stuff happens at once.

Be there for your teens when they experience physical changes during their teen years and share with them your own experience to help them understand this is only temporary. Teens think that the way they look may be the end of the world. Realizing their parents have gone through the same thing can help them relax about it.

Never undermine a child who feels bad about their skin and appearance. Help them find solutions. Eating healthy food is a wonderful solution and making sure the house is free from food that damages the skin (white flour products, sweets, sugary drinks and junk food) will be highly appreciated by teens.

Never make fun of your children and do your best to help your kids find the right food and supplements to help with their skin problems. It can help a lot and teens may not be able to buy it for themselves.

What are they hiding?

"Every time I ask them about their childhood, they avoid answering. I think they are hiding things from me. If they hide things from me, I will hide things from them."

What parents can do

Teens are very sensitive to those around them. 40% of them are kinesthetic in their communication style, so they are even more sensitive than others. Hiding things from them jeopardizes the trust you are trying to build with them. When they ask questions about your childhood, they are trying to form their identity by learning about you, your desires, faults, talents, experiences, knowledge, strategies, values and fears. The more related your stories are to the way they feel, the more they will be open to sharing theirs with you.

When teens get the feeling you might be hiding something from them, their mind goes into full-speed search for what horrible secrets you are keeping from them. I agree that it is not suitable to tell your kids everything that goes on in your mind, but be open and share stories about your childhood in a way that is appropriate for the developmental stage of the child.

Lying is not recommended either, because by the teen years, your kids know you well enough to tell when you are lying. Sharing both beautiful and ugly stories from your childhood can be a wonderful lesson in values and learning.

Last year, I had a talk with my son Tsoof, who was 15 years old then, about success at school. I had talked for years about my own bad school experiences, but they had not sunk in, because he was shocked when I told him I had been kicked out of school at the end of 10^th Grade (not to worry, I went straight back in and got a scholarship for excellence the year after).

Hiding something from kids is very heavy. Sometimes, it makes it harder to cope. If you want them to share things with you, share your things with them and if they share with you something you are not happy about, make sure you still express your appreciation for the trust and the honesty. Remember, it is better if they come and tell you when something is wrong than if they do not. Be a role model.

I hope this series has given you some insight into teens' mind. Many parents want to know what happens there and I believe that most teenagers hold some combination of the above thoughts.

If your teens blame you for all their troubles in life, remember to say that no matter how much grief they give you, you would not replace them for the world and that your love to them does not change even if they do things you are not happy with.

Another thing you can do is to sit down in a quiet place, take a deep breath, relax and remember how your life was during your teenage years.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

As in previous chapters, here are 5 things teens think and feel that scare them and make them act weird, and what you can do about them. I hope it will help you find alternative ways to address the issues and prevent them from keeping those thoughts any longer.

My parents are cruel and weak

"I think my parents are cruel. They hate me. They scream, shout and always tell me I'm wrong. They brought me into the world to torture me. They are weak. How can I trust them when I need help if they are so weak?"

What parents can do

When children are upset, they may think that you are behaving the way you do with the ultimate purpose of hurting them. Many parents mistake discipline for power when in fact, abusing your power and yelling, shouting or telling kids they are wrong are signs of weakness and may cause your children, especially teenagers, not to trust you to support them when they need help. This is because using pressure and force is all about you, not them.

The best way to prevent this is to start very early and examine the use of your power. If you control the family's money and use it to threaten your children or bribe them, you are likely to be perceived as cruel. If you control many aspects of your kids' life and use that control to force them to do things they do not want do, your actions, although you may have all the justification for them, will not translate into motivation but into resentment and anger.

Having clear rules and having responsibility as a parent does not give you the right to force your kids. When a teacher shouts and yells in class, the kids are convinced the teacher is weak and easy to set off. The smart kids will trigger this in an instant by "stepping" on the teacher's emotional "toes". Teenagers are the smartest kids in the house, so when they find out their parents are not all that powerful, they trigger your fear and frustration in no time.

Confident parents do not fall into this trap. They are artists of motivation and do everything to trigger internal motivation in their kids. When they become teenagers, they will have the good sense to do the right things for themselves. It does not mean these parents have no conflicts with their teens, but they treat their kids with respect during conflicts and everybody wins.

Do not threat, do not bribe, do not set conditions, like "I will give you this if you succeed at school". Do not shout and yell. Find your core of strength, stay calm and show respect to keep your teens free from anxiety and confident they can trust you.

Leave me alone!

"I need privacy. I don't want anyone getting into my room. I need a locker on my things. I hate the idea of my brother or my parents searching my things. I wish I had a place of my own."

What parents can do

During the teen years, when the body changes so much, children require more privacy not only to explore their sexuality but also to have the time to think without disruption and to separate themselves from their family. This separation is very healthy and important. It does not mean they will leave home tomorrow, but they are practicing being on their own, while the family is still around.

For teens never to think like that, their family must have some privacy rules and they must be taught very early, so that by the time children reach adolescence, they can be certain no one will look at their personal things or enter their room when it is inappropriate.

If a child expresses a need for a private room, try to arrange a private room. It is not always possible, but even a balcony with a divider is better than nothing. Gal's parents arranged a room for Gal's sister when she was 15 years old in the laundry room. She was the happiest teenage girl ever.

I wanted to have my own room all my life. At the age of 16, when my sister left home, I finally had my private room. My younger sisters and I were in such a great relationship at that stage, I stayed with them in their room, which was bigger, until late at night and we did not want to go to sleep so we would not have to say goodbye to each other for the night. I was hardly ever in my own room.

Therefore, it is best to listen to your kids and not assume that they need a private room. Gal and I wanted a private room for each of our children, but they find any excuse they can to "sleep over" in each other's rooms. Tsoof and Noff share a room and feel lonely going to sleep without the other one.

Some parents do not like the idea of locking for safety reasons. Regardless, teach your kids to knock and wait for permission to enter and be a role model. Never enter your kids' (especially teenagers') room without knocking and waiting for permission.

Also, do not go through their things and be very strict about all your children's private things. When one child touches the other one's private thing, be very clear that "we do not touch other people's private things". Again, this is about respect and trust.

You're not the boss of me!

"They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me when to go to sleep or when to come back from a party. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. What do they know about being a teenager today anyway?"

What parents can do

Parents are in charge of the family, but they can be bosses or leaders. The difference for teens is that bosses give orders and do not care about their employees' thoughts and feelings, while leaders set an example and take into consideration everyone's internal motivations and wellbeing. A boss is afraid employees' might find he is not all knowing and a leader knows he is not all knowing and asks his employees' opinions, feelings and support.

Parent from strength and not from weakness. When you are using force, you are weak. Set rules, but be flexible with rules and not too strict about them. When you are unreasonably strict, it is a sign that you are afraid of losing your power if your kids do not follow your rules 100%. It is OK to come late from time to time. You come late from time to time and you survive your own little slip-ups.

Make sure you ask your teens for their opinion, thoughts and feelings. Respect them and tell them you were once a teenager too and you accept that times have changed, because they have, and what was acceptable 25-35 years ago is not acceptable today and vice versa.

Allow your children to have their own feelings and thoughts, They are not extensions of you. If you want them to be little copies of you, it is a sign you are looking to reinforce yourself. Your kids should grow up to be better than you are. Duplicating you will only keep them behind their generation.

My money, my life

"I want to have my own money and to buy my own things. I hate it when my parents tell me what to buy. It's my right to choose my own clothes, make-up and stuff. They're so old they just don't understand anything about fashion."

What parents can do

"Money and teens" is a big issue. While a 9-year-old will manage if you have financial issues, teens find it harder to be seen in public during their parents' financial struggles. Many parents believe that the solution to all their struggles is having lots of money and giving their kids everything they want, but I do not agree with this.

I have always had enough money, but I did not give my kids everything they wanted. I grew up in a house that did not have a lot of money. In fact, I grew up in a very poor family and I do not think I understood what my parents had to go through in order to provide for us. Kids should know! It may not be appropriate to tell them all the details of your financial struggles, but being open and honest about it can help greatly in changing their beliefs about money and about you.

Being dependent on parents for money is not fun. Admit it! It was not fun when you had to ask your parents for money. I do not think this can be avoided completely, but there are ways of giving kids (especially teens) some freedom with money.

I used pocket money as soon as my kids could count (about 3 years old) and the rule in our family is that parents buy the things we need - clothes, school uniforms, shoes, food and groceries - and our kids can do whatever they want with their pocket money. Kids must learn to spend money and they can only do it when they are free to make mistakes. If they use all their money at once on something, they learn the hard way that money does not grow on trees.

Having the money does not give you the right to determine what they will wear. Yes, there are limits, but you are not likely to share their taste and their fashion sense, no matter how much money you have. You can say how much money you are willing to give, you can insist on going shopping with them, you can insist on not buying torn or low-quality clothes, but do not get into fashion arguments. You are about 30 years behind the current teen fashion, so let go! If you insist, they will wear whatever they want as soon as they leave home anyway. Any control you may have now is only temporary, so do not use your money to control them.

Help your teenagers get a part-time job regardless of how wealthy or poor you are and teach them money management. Guide your teenagers gently through making purchasing decisions. Teach, but do not preach!

Everybody has one

"I must have that pair of sneakers/smartphone/game console or I will have no friends and everyone will laugh at me and treat me like an outsider. I can't show my face at a party with this old piece of mobile phone junk. Everyone has Internet connections and unlimited calls and text. Why do I have to be different?"

What parents can do

Being accepted and being cool are the most important things for teenagers. They are just as important for parents of teenagers or they would not get new cars, bigger houses and more impressive job titles. Wanting to be accepted is a high need and it hits its peak during adolescence. If you think it must be painful, you are wrong! There is a great way to make sure your kids never think this way and when it comes up in arguments, there is a great way to reply to it.

Teach your kids that they are special without gadgets. Help them define their identity and keep telling them "Be special. Be yourself". Being unique and independent is a blessing, while continually measuring themselves against others robs them of their freedom.

Noff has no mobile phone, Tsoof does not have a smartphone and my kids do not have never a game console or any other trendy gadget, mainly because they do not need them. When there is a need, we examine it and buy what is suitable and not what is best advertised. We teach our kids that status symbols are a way to pressure us into doing things we would not do otherwise and that many of those things waste our time and our mind.

The latest sneakers are not a need. Basic healthy food is a need. Sleep is a need. Drinking water is a need. Shelter is a need. Clean clothes are a need. Human company is a need. Do not let your teens use the word "need" inappropriately. Teach your kids to focus on what they have and not on what they lack. In fact, you should start when they are 5 years old.

If we do get into an argument and my kids say, "Why do I have to be different?" I answer, "You are different no matter how many gadgets you have. You have lived in different places around the world, you are talented, your mom and dad are still together, you speak two languages, you love your siblings, you are smart, you are friendly, you are sensitive, you love to learn, you are successful - you are different. We have spent a lot of energy to make you different and that's the way we like it". I think they understand.

It may also help to take an honest look at your own buying habits and consider the example you are setting. Actions speak louder than words, especially with teenagers.

Join me next week for the 5 last thoughts teenagers have that make their life hard and create lots of conflicts with their parents, along with what you can do to prevent them from thinking that way and how to eliminate those thoughts if they come up.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

During the Easter break, we watched the movie Canvas with the kids. It tells the story of a family in which the mother has Schizophrenia. The father works as a builder for a rich jerk who buys speedboats and cars, but pays him too little too late, so they do not have enough money for medicine, which their basic health insurance refuses to cover.

The film shows how being poor and sick can have negative effects on your life and spin it out of control so quickly that it is super hard to recover. Because people expect certain behavior from adults, the mother creates a scene, which gets them thrown out of public places, like restaurants. Business owners may empathize with someone who sees imaginary people, but they still have a business to run.

The boy, being young, cannot truly understand what is happening to his mother. Unfortunately, neither can his schoolmates, who bully him for it. Also unfortunately, the father is a simple man who struggles to get by and lacks the emotional tools to help his son relax and cope with the mother's strangeness and absence, let alone the additional social burden he has to endure.

So next thing you know, the kid starts going nuts too, has a fight with the boss' kid, screams at his mom when she shows up at his birthday party with clown hats and a cake and skips school left right and center. Eventually, the principal and the boss catch up with the father and the father loses his job.

The whole time, I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "Don't they have a family? Where are the grandparents? Where are the uncles and aunts and cousins?"

But there were none. In fact, the woman who lived next door seems to want nothing better than for them to leave her neighborhood. When the mother runs outside and stands in the rain talking to people only she can see, the neighbor calls the police and they take the mother away to a mental hospital, where the doctors sedate her and test different drugs on her.

The only people who are nice and helpful are the father's friends from work - big guys who lend a hand and a smile. It is great at times, but it is not enough.

Working with clients, I sometimes try to convince them to invest in a solution that takes a bit more upfront, but saves and produces more down the road. In such cases, I often use the expression "Poor man pays twice" when comparing their options.

And it is true! When you have no car, you waste even more time getting to and from places. When you have no money for regular doctor and dentist checkups, your health problems grow until you have to treat them at any cost. When you have no steady job with a good group rate for health insurance, you either pay a lot more or have no cover until it is too late. When you have to work extra hours just to make ends meet, you neglect your family and you lose what little emotional support you could have when you finally get home (as long as you have a home, that is).

Ronit and I once went to give free hugs with our kids and some friend at an event for homeless people. The experts there told us that most of these homeless folks have some form of mental illness or substance abuse and others had some large calamity wipe out their financials. The homeless people you see on the streets, by the way, are not all of them. There are many people "crashing" at homes of friends or relatives, sometimes for a while and sometimes without knowing when they can get back on their own two feet.

Even people who are not officially poor can be devastated by some unforeseen event, like an accident, a major illness or the collapse of their shares portfolio. Pretty soon, they cannot pay their credit card debt in full and the exorbitant interest rate kicks in, leeching any money they can gather with no end in sight and crippling their chances of recovery rapidly.

The answer, my friend, is community.

A community is based on social norms, which means everyone works for the general best interest, without counting favors. As long as everyone is equally concerned about others' wellbeing as the others are about theirs, the community buffers harm and increases good.

When you move into a new house, a community welcomes you with smiles and some food, shows you around the neighborhood and offers to watch your kids when you need that. Nobody needs to tell you your services will be equally needed to complete the picture. You will offer them freely once you have settled in.

When your child goes to a new school, a community assigns a "buddy" to show them around and tell them "how things are done here". Their buddy introduces them to kids with similar interests and checks in on them until they feel safe. Other kids get excited to see new kids and invite them to social gatherings and parties as a matter of course.

Other communities can be the basketball club, afternoon art class, marching band, athletics team, religious organization, youth group, Scouts, Guides, the local chamber of commerce or trade union chapter and even the bank.

The biggest sign that these are not working very well for people these days is ... (drum roll) ... the popularity of social media sites, like Facebook. Human beings long so much to belong to a community, they join one online if they have to. They will exchange recipes with a person in another country if their neighbor stays behind closed doors. They will play online games with "friends" from half way around the world who may not speak the same language if their school is full of bullies.

The best thing about communities is that they have something in common - a sport, a hobby, a religious belief, a political opinion or a social cause. Sometimes, it is the place of work and sometimes, it is just the street everyone lives in. That common thing can unite very different people, if only they stopped long enough to focus on what they have in common.

So I say go out and meet other folks wherever you can. Pluck up the courage and reach out to other human beings, even ones you have never talked before. Join a club, become a member of an association, coach little league, cheer for the local team, bake cakes for the school's fundraiser, go to networking events to find people you like, ask your neighbors how they are doing, throw parties and accept barbecue invitations. If you prefer to start online, join communities that also meet offline (I personally like Meetup).

Because, really, we are all in the same boat. We all lose a loved one at some stage, we all need to make a living, we all try to raise our children the best we can, we all want to fulfill our dreams and we all want to feel like we belong.

As parents, not only is this going to provide your family with the support it needs, but it will show your kids how to build communities and give them enough practice at it to create a safer, warmer world for themselves one social circle at a time.

Happy days,
Gal

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• Sharing and Caring
• Bullying (15): How to help bullying victims
• Bullying (14): How to help bullying victims

Both Ronit and I slept very badly that night and had very scary dreams.

In the movie, there are 12 districts full of poor workers who can barely get enough food to eat. Their life is mud (literally), they are dressed in light-blue working uniforms and live in fear. These districts are ruled by "the capitol", a magnificent and decadent city, where people spend their time dressing to impress and trying to find things to entertain themselves. There is police/army force, dressed in white, which swiftly handles any disruptions.

But the main instrument of power is TV and there is one particular show in TV everyone must watch to remember their place in this futuristic society - The Hunger Games. Each district sends a boy and a girl to fight for their life. The game ends when only one remains, giving the people of their district the temporary illusion that life may be better for them too some day.

There were many similarities between The Hunger Games and our life, which I wanted to share with you. This will be depressing, so after that, I will also share with you how you, me and other parents can make reality different, for us and for our kids.

Just like in the movie, our world is controlled by a small group of people with enough power to take away all of our retirement money, crash the property market, mobilize entire armies to a faraway country and occupy it, kill leaders, install new leaders, invade our privacy and use our tax money and bank fees to fund it all.

Just like in the movie, the people in power see life as a game. They pursue meaningless victories and possessions (one character is called Effie Trinket), consumed by their desire for control (the TV host is called Caesar Flickerman) and personal gains. Even when they pretend to be doing the best for "the people", there is a complete disconnect between the lavish way they live and the miserable way others do.

Just like in the movie, most of us are so focused on getting by, we feel isolated and scared, even in a big crowd. This way, we are very easy to control and are not likely to turn to our neighbors and work colleagues to form an army that will overthrow the current regime. Although we have little, we could lose it all, so we keep plowing ahead and thinking it is the best we can do.

Just like in the movie, we raise our children to survive and be safe and thus they become the next generation of us. We do our best to protect them and make them better than we ever were, but we still send them to school, where they are herded and taught to conform, and we still teach them that getting a good job is the best thing they can do for themselves. They see us following the crowd and feeling safe doing what "everybody else" is doing, and they grow up to follow the crowd too.

Just like in the movie, people are sent to fight and kill complete strangers just to satisfy the rules of some game that is forced upon everyone equally. Most Americans, English and Australians have never met an Iraqi or an Afghan and have no idea about the way they live or what they want out of life, but soldiers still go and fight them, sent by majority votes in democratic countries. These soldiers are backed by their families, who support killing anyone that will prevent them from coming back, even complete strangers who were first attacked by the soldiers.

Just like in the movie, the media is the weapon that subjects us to the tyranny. We are pumped day and night with hollow slogans, like "May the odds be ever in your favor", where the odds we would make it are 1 in 24 (in real life, they may even be lower, but the losers do not have to die).

Just like in the movie, our TV shows many hunger games: Big Brother, So You Think You Can Dance, American/Australian Idol, The Farmer Wants a Wife and, of course, Survivor. In all of these, the camera is everywhere, contestants work in groups while having conflicting personal interests and relationships (even love) are staged for the camera.

He is luring you in to make you easy prey. The more likable he is, the more deadly he is
- Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games

All of these shows are sponsored, just like the game in the film, and the sponsors are not interested in letting the best person win. They are interested in manipulating the audience into buying their products. The level of pressure in them is increased artificially through expressions like "elimination", "dancing for her life" and "let's see who will survive".

All of these "reality" shows are rigged, too. In the film, someone mentions that District 1 usually wins. In real life, we know someone who is a wonderful singer, but was not selected for Australia's Got Talent because her life story was not interesting enough for the show.

If we don't watch, they don't have a game
- Gale Hawthorne in The Hunger Games

Unlike the movie, we do not have to subject ourselves to this bombardment of manipulative messages in the media. We can stop reading the papers, switch our radio to a music channel or listen to recorded music, unsubscribe from "special deals" sites, stop reading glossy magazines at the supermarket checkout and ... turn the TV off.

Unlike the movie, we can choose to question the way we live and the lessons we teach our children. We can sit quietly and go over a day in our life, step by step, and ask the following questions about everything we do:

• Why do we do it?
• What is it really doing for us?
• What is it doing to us?
• What is it doing to our family members and our friends?
• What kind of society is it helping to create for us and for our kids?

You could ask this about getting up at 6:30am, about brushing your teeth, about the clothes you put on, about your choice of breakfast, about the way and means by which you travel to work, about taking your kids to school, about your job and about the way you related to people, especially to those you love the most. You could ask this about everything you buy, every place you buy it from, everything you sell and every way in which you sell it.

At first, you may not see the big deal. 30-40 years of habit make us good at seeing certain things and ignoring others. That is only natural. But once you find something that no longer seems right, even if it is your brand of toothpaste, this will show you the power of questioning and open the door to more revelations and more freedom.

Yes, freedom. Because we may have the illusion that we can do or say whatever we want, but unless we make conscious decisions about how to live and how to raise our kids, we are not free at all. We are just products of our upbringing.

When you have had some practice with these questions and you get used to changing your perception, play questioning games with your kids too. The questioning game. No, The Freedom Games!

Happy parenting,
Gal

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• Anybody Can Do It
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

From time to time, we get a knock on the door and someone asks for a donation to charity. The amount of money is up to us and the minimum is typically small. The person is pleasant and often seems like one of the people who would benefit from our donation to this charity.

But to me, this is money for nothing. Sure, research shows that people get a sense of generosity and feel good about themselves when they give money at the door, in the office or secretly in some other way. I still think this is a short-lived feeling that keeps injustice and bad management in our society long term.

Next time there is a knock on the door, the person who donates will be faced with the same dilemma. The next person knocking on the door will be in the same situation. Charity is not enough about change.

I believe that the fundamental ingredient missing from the charity model is self-respect. When a person cannot provide for themselves and relies completely on others for food, shelter and clothing, their sense of identity changes and they begin to see themselves as dependent and incapable of supporting themselves. If this goes on long enough, they end up feeling worthless.

Even if you have never been poor, maybe you have lost your job at some point or your partner has. The feeling of loss of self-worth can be debilitating. When it goes on for long enough and when the loss was big enough (like a top executive being laid off at an age that makes finding another job unlikely), some people even kill themselves. Standing in line for a social security handout is humiliating for anyone used to productive employment.

Money for nothing makes the recipient feel worthless.

Native Americans and Indigenous Australians are great examples of how this can affect large populations. Both were given autonomies in certain parts of their respective country, not necessary where they wanted, and both were given government handouts, supposedly as compensation for their lands being taken away from them. In both cases, many chose to live on the government subsidy and ended up spending their time and their money on drinking alcohol. In both cases, those who decided to go to work have done much better.

Human beings seem to have a sense of fairness in their exchanges and getting money for nothing is not a fair exchange.

A horrible example of this is Indian children who are maimed in order to become better beggars. In the minds of the people doing the maiming, those children's lives are better without an arm or an eye, because they can get enough money to survive and help support their families. But this also prevents them from being able to work when they grow up.

On the other hand, when we lived in Thailand, we did not see beggars on the streets. We saw people sitting in corners, on footbridges and between market stalls and selling little trinkets and flowers. We knew we did not need their wares when we purchased from them, but there was dignity in the exchange, smiles and hope.

For all of the above, Ronit and I decided to support the poor people of the world through Kiva. Kiva is an online microfinance organization that funds small projects all over the globe with money from other people. Each project is funded by a number of people, so the risk is shared. Every cent of funding is given as a loan, so the projects have to make business sense, succeed and pay back with interest.

We believe that Kiva prevents those in need from abandoning their responsibility for their lives and helps create a productive and supportive society globally and locally. Since poor people have limited access to computers and little knowledge of business, there are micro-banks acting on their behalf. They submit requests for funding for groups of farmers, producers or service providers, having trained them in running a business. The groups also keep their members on track and paying back.

For example, our first loan was to fifteen women from Paraguay (pictured at the top) that wanted to be able to offer a better future to their children. They are "fighters" who stretch themselves to their limits to give their families the basics to have a worthy life. The loan has helped them to buy fabrics, threads, needles, buttons and other sewing supplies.

Our second loan was to a farmer in Kenya (holding the sign in the picture above) who takes care of two children at home. He wants to ensure food security for his family. Before joining the group, he was only able to harvest 7 bags of maize 1 acre of land, but in 2011, he had an excellent maize yield of 18 bags on that land. The loan has helped him buy seeds and fertilizers.

When we signed up for Kiva, we did it as a family. We wanted our kids to know about the struggles of other people to help them appreciate their own life. We wanted them to be part of the giving and we wanted them to see that even when you are very poor, you still have a choice between being productive and being dependent.

Just in case you are jumping up and down, screaming, "But some people just can't sew or work a farm!" I want to mention another wonderful organization called the Endeavour Foundation. This organization takes care of people with mental and physical disabilities. Although much of its budget comes from donations and government support, it employs its clients in special workshops, where they make whatever they can make to help support themselves. They may not be able to provide everything for themselves, but they have the dignity of helping and doing what they can.

Many people say that kids have it all easy today. We may not have walked to school in blinding snowstorms, but from a technical point of view, our kids' life seems to be easier and we work hard to provide everything for them. I believe we need to ensure this does not become a kind of charity arrangement, or our kids will develop a dependent identity and lose the ability to care for themselves and their dignity.

No matter how small their contribution, a child's participation in housework and family decision-making is more about their self-esteem and independence than it is about the value they create (particularly when they are little). Do not give them "money for nothing". Get them to work for their gadgets as much as they can, get them involved in your giving, tell them about your own work, encourage them to take care of themselves and help them build a strong identity.

Empower the world one step at a time by helping those who help themselves.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• The Hunger Games
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money
• Anybody Can Do It

As a life coach, I talk a lot about wanting. I believe wanting is essential in life. It is the driving force of our existence. But today, I want to tell you about a session on my life coaching deck that reminded me again why the question "Why?" is as important as the question "What?" Chris, one of my wonderful clients, taught me a wonderful lesson about what happens when you do not know why.

All I knew about Chris was that he was a businessman in his early fifties, married, with no kids and a lack of motivation who was looking for a life coach. Nothing special. We all have those periods in our life when we just find it hard to get up in the morning.

This is what I told myself when I prepared for his session. The first time he came, when I opened the door, I saw from the corner of my eyes a classy Mercedes Benz parked outside. Well, the first thing I could think of was "Oh my god, what a beautiful car". I have to say it made me more curious about the reason he came. I thought that car was the result of lots of motivation.

Chris came out onto my deck, looked around and admired the yard. "What a beautiful place", he said, "Do you see all your clients here?" he asked. He seemed very friendly.

"Yes, I do. It makes everyone very relaxed, including me", I smiled.

He put his car keys on the table and said, "It's true. I feel relaxed already". He sat at the table and I asked him a bit about his life.

Life coaching involves some detective work. I take the puzzle pieces and try to put them together, looking for the piece that has the most important items on it, the piece that will make the picture clear. I asked and he was happy to answer. I think in some way, he wanted my help and presence to think out loud.

"Why are you here, Chris? What do you want?" I asked him.

He looked confused. "I really don't know. I think something's wrong with me".

Some people just do not know what they want. They sense that something is wrong and their life could be better, but they cannot put their finger on it. Asking "What do you want?" can open doors to places where they do not tend to go by themselves.

"What do you mean 'Something is wrong with me'?" I asked.

"I have a beautiful wife. We've been together 30 years now. I love her and she loves me ... I have a business that turns over millions of dollars every year ... I bought myself the car of my dreams last year", he said and I immediately thought about the classy car parked outside my house and I was sure many people have the same dream, "I have good friends that I see from time to time ... I go to church every weekend ... I have everything I wanted in life and still, there is something wrong with me".

My first reaction was, "Wow, this sounds like the perfect life. Why on Earth would any person who has everything everyone only dreams of say that something is wrong with him, but then Chris said, "I'm not happy".

Happiness is like a barometer. I think that people who realize this may feel a bit scared at first, but they have a great potential to be powerful.

"Why aren't you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know. I wish I could figure this out myself", he said. He looked sad.

When he was 16, Chris was kicked out of a very poor, disturbed home. After spending time as a homeless teen, hungry on the cold streets of England, he made up his mind to be a millionaire. "I knew I would be a millionaire one day. I've had hundreds of businesses over the years. I became a millionaire officially two years ago. Unfortunately, it had taken me 35 years to do it".

"Do you think something is wrong with you because it took you 35 years to become a millionaire?" I asked him.

"Yes, of course", he said, "Don't you think it's too long?"

"Some people spend their whole life trying and never become millionaires", I said to him, "I know many people who would be thrilled with being millionaires after 35 years. It's much better than never".

He looked at me surprised and said, "That's a good point. You're right".

Chris was sharp. The way he responded made me think that he was looking for someone to challenge his thinking and to help him thinking.

"What makes you happy?" I asked.

He hesitated and answered like a child who has been caught doing something bad. "Beer ... I get up in the morning and think of beer ... when I'm at work, I can only think of beer ... when I come back home, I only want beer".

I thought to myself, "What a waste. He reminds me of kids and their attitude to school breaks. Throughout the whole year, they look forward to the next school break, but when the long summer break finally arrives, they do not know what to do with all that spare time. I would have done so many things with that money. I wonder if Chris thought the same way before he had all that money".

"Do you only think of beer and want beer or do you actually drink beer?" I asked.

"Oh, I drink beer all day, but it doesn't even make me happy anymore. I told you something was wrong with me", he said.

It was funny, hearing a 50-year-old man talking like a child. "What's the problem with drinking beer all day?" I asked.

"I don't enjoy it and it makes me unhappy. I think I'm addicted", he said.

"Define addiction", I said. After hearing so many clients defining "addiction", I have perfected my own definition the word, but I wondered about his.

"Addiction is when you want something more and more, but when you get what you want, it is not satisfying and you want even more of it. It is a never-ending cycle. It gives you temporary comfort, but over time, it is less and less comforting and you need more and more of it", he said.

This trick always worked. When asked about addiction, every client comes up with a definition that sounds like it is the first time they have thought about it. The trick is to make them hear themselves defining it.

"When did you start drinking?" I asked him.

"I've been drinking all my life, but you know, once a week, nothing serious. I'm not sure exactly when I started drinking more. I think about two or two and a half years ago".

I had a feeling I had heard him talking about this timeframe. "What triggered it? Did something special happen back then, two or two and a half years ago?" I asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing", he said, playing with his car keys, then suddenly stopped.

We had about 2 minutes of silence. He looked at me and his eyes were shining. He knew exactly when his drinking had started. "It started at a party my wife and I organized for the whole office after I signed a big contract. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was in panic. I think I'm still in panic", he said with long pauses, as if he was talking to himself and thinking out loud.

"What was it that scared you so much?" I asked.

He sat back in his chair and played with his car keys again. There was another long period of silence. Then, he said, "I think I realized it didn't have the power I thought it did".

"What power?" I asked.

"The power to make me happy, the power to fix everything, the power to feel loved. I was given a magic lamp and there was nothing magic about it. All my life, I'd said, 'When I become a millionaire, it will fix everything' and it fixed nothing. I was the same man. It was so devastating I started to drink. I'm addicted to beer. Every day, I drink more than the previous day and it doesn't help".

When he talked about the magic lamp, I understood that most people think the same about money. They are addicted to making money. They want more of it, they make more of it, but it is never enough. The second you look in your bank account provides temporary comfort, but every time, the joy last less and less time. It is painful to find out that what you wanted all your life was not exactly what you thought it would be. Chris was just one more guy who was addicted to making money. He was just an addicted millionaire.

Addiction, from my experience, is a mindset. If you overcome one, you usually replace it with something else. Sometimes, I think it is a bottomless pit, caused by pain, that people try to fill in ways that only make the emptiness bigger. I had found the most valuable piece in this puzzle. Chris and I talked about addiction and I asked him to think of all the things in his life he was addicted to, based on his definition of addiction.

"I'm addicted to money", he said in relief.

Mostly poor people are addicted to money, because they are far more focused on wanting money than on what they would do with that money once they got it. They dedicate most of their energy in life to making money and not enough to using it well. They know what they want, but not why they want it.

Chris had been addicted to money since he was 16 years old. He had been in such pain from being thrown out of his home and living on the streets without food, he developed the belief that money was the cure for all his pains. He had started business after a business. He had failed and gotten up and earned more and more and finally, when he had reached his desired goal of being a millionaire and it had not filled up the emptiness, he had lost his motivation and wanted to drown himself in his disappointment, so he had swapped one addiction with another.

Emptiness cannot be filled with sugar, food, alcohol, money, drugs or any other addiction. Emptiness can only be replaced by a feeling of gratitude, self-appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and a strong feeling of love.

The millionaire game

It was the end of the session and Chris and I came up with a strategy for our next session. I told him next time we would play the "Millionaire game". I started playing this game when I was 24 and I had my first business. At home, we play it very often with the kids. In this game, we imagine what we would do with lots of money. When we talk about what we want to do with that money, it can help us find the why, the pain or discomfort we want this money to heal. If we know what we are missing in life, we can make good use of our money by buying this feeling with the money we have worked so hard to get. Money is a means to an end. When it becomes the goal, reaching our goal can be painful.

I felt lucky. It is not often you get a chance to sit with a real millionaire and ask him, "If you were a millionaire, what would you do with your money?"

Chris stood up and looked at the garden.

"You have a nice place. It's very relaxing here. Do you play games with all your clients?" he asked, smiling.

"As often as I can", I answered and stood next to him.

"I've always thought I was born 16 years old on the street. It's a strange thought. I don't remember myself playing games", he said. I think he understood that money was not really what he wanted. Maybe he was grieving his lost childhood.

As we both looked at the palm trees of my yard, I touched his shoulder and said, "It's never too late to start".

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Emotional Summer
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

1. Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15^th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15^th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.
2. Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.
3. Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.
4. Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.
5. Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.
6. Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.
7. Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.
8. Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.
9. Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.
10. Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.
11. Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.
12. Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".
13. Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!
14. Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.
15. Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.
16. Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.
17. Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.
18. Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The Hunger Games
• Anybody Can Do It

Whether you know me from Family Matters, Be Happy in LIFE or The Motivational Speaker, you know how strongly I am into the "You can do it!" attitude. I am a life coach and an educator and ever since I started my first business at the age of 25, this has been my motto - I can do it! Everyone can!

I often use the quote "If you think you can or think you can't, you're right" as one of my life coaching favorites. I am in the business of happiness and my slogan is "Happiness is a choice!"

Even success on the Internet is a choice, isn't it?

If you have a business and want to open it to the Internet, if you want to get more business online, if you want to have tens of thousands of readers or a stream of buyers, if you want to know how to be successful at Internet marketing, sit tight and enjoy the ride.

A free event for suckers

[I know the word "suckers" is strong, but it is not my choice. This is what people ultimately call themselves when they realize what has happened to them. I have heard it enough times to know]

The first time I came into the Internet world was when Gal and I did our life coaching course. While everyone was working on establishing a practice, Gal, who had been an IT manager, was focusing on our online presence. By the end of my course, we were the only people, out of about 50 coaches, who had a site and a business card to give potential clients. After a while, our roles became clearer - I was an educator with over 20 years of experience and knew nothing about computer technology and Internet, and Gal was an IT professional with over 20 years experience and knew a lot about it. So I did the offline work and Gal did the online work.

The first thing you learn about starting a business on the Internet is that everyone can do it. I remember the first seminar I attended. You may have had the same experience yourself. It is a free event that makes hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales in one day. The food, the venue and the free gifts are nothing compared to how many suckers come to those events for the promise of sitting on the beach in a swimsuit with a laptop, sipping cool drinks and watching the dollars appearing on the screen every day and every hour.

The suckers' slogans

Gal and I went to our first event as life coaches. It was an awesome weekend. It was a great seminar and I learned a lot. For 2 days, they promised the world "Be your own boss! Work 3 hours a day! Money will be coming out of your ears!" and ... "Everyone can do it!"

I have to say I almost believed them. I wanted to believe them with all my heart, but because our life coaching course had promised exactly the same thing, I had the suspicion there was a pattern there. Luckily for us, it was not a test of our trust. We just did not have $10,000 to buy the product on offer. We were shocked that our fellow coaches spent so much money just weeks after they had spent thousands of dollars on the life coaching course.

If you have ever heard these slogans about trying to build a business on the Internet, be warned, someone is convinced you are a sucker and might be taking you for a ride.

Seminars that teach you online business have a system to convince you that everyone can do it. They show a woman who could hardly type and has a family to support in order to attract parents who want to make some quick cash and say she did it within 3 months in her spare time, in-between doing her daytime job, taking the kids from one activity to another, doing housework and oh, I almost forgot, a huge debt she was trying to pay. Or, they show you a group of teens without any capital who came up with a brilliant idea that became a hit overnight. Those events are like a magic show - you know there is a trick, but it is done so beautifully that you just accept it. You buy into the illusion.

What kills me every time is hearing the presenter say, "I'm a successful person and I'm here to teach you how to make money effortlessly, have lots of time off and have all the luxury you want". I especially hate the word "effortlessly". The harder life is for you, the louder you hear how effortlessly it can be done.

I always have the same question to those speakers - "If your system can make you a millionaire overnight, why would you spend your time sleeping away from your wife and kids, sleep in a different hotel every night for 200 days in a year to convince us, suckers, to buy your product? Why aren't you on the beach next to some amazingly blue water working an hour each day and drinking tequila? Isn't it because you are too busy running workshops?"

I never ask it out loud, because I know the answer. I have 30,000 readers a month because I understood that not everyone can do it. I certainly could not!

Overnight success

I swear to you I have tried. I spent hours studying the same course with Gal. The Internet marketing guru said to us, "You need $90 to buy a website and hosting and an hour a day. Everyone can do it." I sat 4 and sometimes 5 hours a day, watching videos, reading, summarizing and trying to implement, but pretty quickly, I realized that our Internet marketing guru's "overnight success" had taken about 8 years and the reason he was successful was that he sold Internet marketing products to aspiring Internet marketers. It was a closed market - people who were making money by convincing others they could make money using their own products. They even have affiliates that sell to the same people. It is like a feeding frenzy. There was so much dishonesty there (MLM, or "direct marketing", is the same).

My product was a coaching service. I did not want to tell my client they could make a fortune from my coaching, because it was just not true. Every time I watched Gal programming something, I freaked out. I wanted a business, not a course in HTML, PHP, CSS or any other strange acronym. I wanted to work with my clients, do my workshops and sell my books, not to sit in front of the computer all day long.

So many readers come to my site because I decided to give up trying to prove that everyone can do it by doing it myself. Instead, I focus on what I do best and allow the Internet marketer in the family to do what he does so well. Coaching and doing Internet marketing are two different skills and focusing on one leaves much less time for the other.

All my life coaching buddies wanted a website and spent months learning something that Gal did in 2 weeks. In the meantime, they neglected their life coaching practice and got nowhere in both areas.

The reason I feel uncomfortable when people ask, "How did you do it?" is because I did not do it, at least not on my own. Someone had to take my parenting advice, my books and my coaching services and publish them so that many people would actually get to see them.

My message to you is that the online world is big and keeps expanding. Yes, at some stage every business will have a site, even if only for presence. If you want a business online, if you want buyers online, if you want a website even just as an online brochure with your contact details, stick to what you do best and let those who know Internet marketing do the rest for you.

The same applies to any business service and even to family and parenting services, such as accounting, public relations, gardening, construction and architecture. In the same way you would not reinvent a smart phone and prefer to buy one that has been developed by experts, using expert services can produce better results (perhaps more expensive upfront, but cheaper over time) and allow you to concentrate on what you do well and enjoy doing.

You just have to let go of the illusion.

Life is much better this way.

Happy days,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a list: Beliefs about Money
• Anybody Can Do It

He describes a drug user's life as the chase of highs that never ends. He says that highs last less and less time and the in-between periods become more and more difficult and stressful.

That made me think about the way life seems to be going for many people these days and about how we are being encouraged from every direction essentially to live the life of drug addicts or alcoholics. Our drugs are legal, but we are no less dependent on them and they do us a very similar amount of harm.

Our drugs are money, fame, gadgets, brand names, number of followers on Twitter, number of fans on Facebook, trophies and grades, our kids' trophies and grades, rank or title at work, the size of our house, the model of our car, being up to date with the latest gossip, our highest level at some video game and so on. They may not be chemical, but they are all addictive. We chase them, they give us a short "high" and then we need to go after the next "hit".

People who live like this are never happy. Not really. They are very happy occasionally for a little while, but most of the time, they feel frustrated, stressed and depressed. Many people are forced to learn how to help an alcoholic member of their family who becomes abusive when drunk. This is no different to having a member of the family addicted to video games or chat when they are not "using".

But is the way to happiness not through reaching a comfortable life with all the trimmings? Are we not going to be happy when we have enough money, enough things, enough room in the house for all the things, a good enough car that never breaks and so on?

No, we are not, because the feeling that we have enough is not related to what we have or how much we have of it. Our happiness is not linked directly to our lot in life. That connection is made through our mind and through our perception of ourselves and what we have.

What we need to look for are ways to feel good and be happy for a lot longer. What we need are things that make us feel better the longer we do them, so if we never actually accomplish them, that is a good thing.

Dr. Martin Seligman is a famous happiness researcher and the founder of the field of Positive Psychology. While the rest of the psychology and psychiatry academics tried to help mentally ill people recover and return to healthy society, Dr. Seligman wanted to help normal people discover how to live "the good life" and be happy.

I recently watched Seligman's TED presentation on positive psychology. Among other things, he talked about the different kinds of happiness we can aspire for, which did two things for me. It gave me a clear and concise description of the way to happiness, which I will share with you below. After talking about it with Ronit and the kids, I also realized how happy my own family was and why.

Pleasure - Short Term Happiness

We get pleasure from eating something tasty, watching our favorite show, having sex and buying something we like. The feeling is strong and satisfying. We feel present and alive, as if every nuance of the experience is distinct and powerful - the depth of flavor, the cleverness of the jokes, the touch of the skin and the way we picture ourselves using or wearing our new purchase. It feels great!

But it does not last. If you like coffee, you know the best sip of any cup is the first one. The last bite of food does not taste nearly as good as the first one. And what happens when you hear a joke the 4^th time?

Also, most of the time, we do not eat or drink. Our favorite show is only on for a short period each day and if we bought things all day long, we would run out of money very quickly and the pleasure will more than disappear.

We can extend pleasures if we capture them on paper, film or in digital form and relive them in our memories, but that normally gives us a weaker experience compared to the original.

Bottom line: pleasure makes us happy, but not for long. Find out what gives you pleasure and you can have more of it. Capture your great experiences so they can make you happy again, but remember that total pleasure seeking is like being addicted to drugs.

Flow - Medium Term Happiness

Have you ever been so absorbed in reading a book, engaged in building a model airplane or "giving it your all" in a sporting activity that you "woke up" from it after 2 hours and wondered where the time had gone? At the same time, you probably felt like what you had been doing was well worth your time and that you had been happy doing it.

This is what "flow" is. It is being so involved in what you are doing, the rest of the world ceases to exist for you. It is performing at the peak of your abilities and being so completely focused you achieve many times more than you would if you were preoccupied or stressed.

We are in flow when we do things we like to do and things we are confident doing. Top athletes are in flow when they are engaged in their sport. They know they can do it well and they enjoy it, so they are "in their element". The good results only reinforce their confidence and increase their flow, which creates a positive cycle.

Top sales people are in flow when they talk to clients. Top artists are in flow when they paint, sculpt, compose, sing or play an instrument. Top authors are in flow when they write.

No matter who you are, there are things you do well and like to do. You may not perform at Olympic levels, but you are confident enough to be relaxed and focus when you do these things. You enjoy doing them so much you can do them for long stretches - hours, not minutes.

Ronit and I are in flow when we help people feel better about themselves. We spend hours every day doing just that. When we finish a session with a client, rather than feeling worn out, we feel refreshed and energized, having spent our time in happiness.

To create more opportunities for flow, find out what you are good at and enjoy doing and choose it as your profession. This way, you can be happy more of your time. Similarly, choose to spend your time with people who make you feel good and share your interests. By setting goals to achieve desired outcomes in your life, you can also increase your focus and engagement (and possibly your pleasure).

Still, there are many things we need to do that we do not like, are not good at or both, so flow does not make us happy all the time.

Bottom line: flow makes us happy for longer and is related to our skills and preferences. With the right job, hobbies, goals and people, you can be engaged and happy more of your time, but still not always.

Purpose - Long Term Happiness

Is there anything that can help us accept boredom, discomfort and hardship in life with a graceful smile? Is there anything that can help us view what needs to be done as achievement?

Yes, there is, and the people who have found it are the happiest of them all. It is called "purpose" or "meaning".

No matter what gives meaning to your life, it simply makes everything you do worthwhile. If you find your meaning in raising your children, changing a diaper is an act of love. If your fulfillment comes from helping the homeless, anyone with ragged clothes and rotting teeth may be an opportunity to be kind. If your purpose is to improve the gender equality in our society, a heated public debate is a chance for you to deliver your message and make a difference.

Purpose put everything we do in life in a different perspective, so it makes us continually happy, no matter what happens.

Ronit and I believe that empowering parents is the key to changing the world and creating a society based on acceptance, respect and harmony. Everything we do in life and business either directly serves that purpose or sustains us so we can keep serving our purpose. Imagining our kids living in such a warm and friendly place makes us happy every day, no matter how many obstacles the universe throws at us. It is all worth it.

Find your "higher calling", the thing that gives significance to your life, that makes you and everything you do very very important. Write that down and post it over your bed and in your office. Spend your days making that dream a reality with everything you do, directly or indirectly, and be happy in life.

Bottom line: purpose makes us feel important and part of a great thing at the same time. It is always there to guide us and give us meaning and thus, it makes us happy.

May your days be filled with pleasures, may your time flow and may your purpose guide you to happiness

Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

As you can imagine, I started the day feeling frustrated with the time it took to arrange the workshop, but here is the story of what happened to the parents and me that got me to a completely different feeling in the end - gratitude.

8:30 am

I set up everything in the beautiful Resource Center next to the Junior Playground. Cherie said she was not sure how many parents would come. In some of the events she had organized for parents, only one or two of them had come. For this workshop, she had personally contacted each of the parents who had been struggling with their children.

"Ronit, we have many struggling parents", she said to me several times. The school's academic achievements had been low for many years and the last professional development with the teachers had shifted something in the dynamic of the school and in the academic achievements, so Cherie thought the parents were the next piece of the puzzle.

A woman from the office came and said two parents had called to say they would not come and one mother had turned up in the morning asking to join in. Cherie started telling me a bit about the parents, but then, the parents started arriving, so she said, "You'll see for yourself. They really need this".

9:00 am

14 women were sitting behind their desks and waiting anxiously for the workshop to start. Cherie introduced me, described the big shift that had happened to her teachers after going through my program and reassured them she would pop in occasionally throughout the day.

We did a round of introductions. I told the parents about myself, my profession, my family, my passion and my expectations from the day and asked each of them to introduce herself, tell us about her kids, challenges and expectations. This is what I gathered from them in half an hour of introduction.

• 4 of them used drugs
• 7 of them had missing teeth
• 1 of them was blind. Her daughter and son-in-law used drugs and sexually abused her 5- and 7-year-old grandchildren and she was fighting for custody of, because her grandchildren to keep them out of foster care
• 3 of them said they had children with ADHD
• 2 said they were being physically abused by their partners
• 1 said she had been sexually abused as a child
• 5 of them said they were mentally ill
• 1 of them said she had a 9-years-old daughter who was blind
• 1 of them was the school secretary who was there to support another mother who was afraid she would not be able to cope on her own. She said she had 4 teenage children and she struggled with them regularly
• 3 of them said their kids had been taken away from them at some stage
• 1 of them said her 6-year-old daughter had been born with brain damage. The girl was tiny and had an intellectual disability, but the mother was there because she struggled with her teenage daughter
• 7 of them said their kids had Asperger Syndrome
• 6 of them had no extended family to support them - the school caters for many migrant families
• 4 of them worked
• 2 of them (besides the school secretary) had a profession. 1 said she was a photographer and 1 said she was a massage therapist
• 10 of them were single mothers
• 1 of them was a single grandmother
• 1 of them had 4 kids, was pregnant and lived with an abusive, drunk, drug-using partner who was not the father of her children
• 13 of them (all except the secretary) said their kids struggled academically

When we finished the round of introductions, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I looked at the group of mothers who were in constant struggle and realized what Cherie had to go through every day. How on Earth can you expect kids to perform when their life circumstances are so tough? How can these children study when their parents are in such desperate survival mode?

For a second, I felt helpless. Maybe I even felt a little sorry for myself. Inside, I heard a voice saying, "Snap out of it, Ronit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your life is bliss compared to theirs. You have a job to do. Just do it!"

I think I had this coping mechanism for a long time. Whenever I came to a place to run a program and things were in bad shape, I told myself that everything I could do would help and then I felt empowered.

I asked the participants to raise their hands if they had ever taken a parenting course. None did. For them, a parenting course was a luxury and they were there only because the school was paying and because the principal and the secretary had sent them personal invitations and called 6 times to make sure they would come.

I looked at each of them and realized I was blessed with wonderful children, a great, kind husband, a good father for my children, good health, professional skills, an extended family that was far away but emotionally supportive and financial comfort. It was easy to take life for granted, but the other women in the room had none of my luck.

11:00 am

We reached the section about their happiness and there was a silence in the room. Everyone stared at me and looked at each other with embarrassed smiles.

"Do you mean what would make our kids happy?" one of them asked.

"No, I mean what would make you happy", I said. There was still quiet in the room. I decided to start with the mother who asked the question. "What would make you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know", she said.

"Then how do you want to be happy if you don't know what would make you happy?"

She lowered her eyes.

"How do you want to make your kids happy if you don't know what it means to be happy?" I asked everyone again.

I think that hurt them and motivated them to find some answers. Slowly, one after the other, they started saying things that made them happy. At that point, there was a small shift in atmosphere in the room.

While in a usual workshop with diverse parents, we come up with a happy list in three minutes, this group took much longer. I usually give parents about two minutes to complete their own list of 100 happy things, but in this group, 14 women could barely came up with 10 items together.

Most of them said they did not think they would ever get to 100 happy items on their list. I knew it was really hard. For a group of highly frustrated, badly struggling women, this was a hard task. Most of them were trying so hard just to survive they had never given themselves permission to want anything. Happiness was a luxury for them.

2:30 pm

I started to wrap up. I asked each of the participants to tell the group what she had gotten from the workshop. Everyone was emotional and looked at the principal with lots of gratitude as they spoke. One of them said to me, "I reckon my friends at the drug rehab center should attend this course". I smiled. I knew most of the topics in the workshop were applicable to life in general. All of the areas covered during the day focused on taking control over our own destiny.

3:00 pm

One by one, they stood at the door, while their kids waited outside to be picked up. They gave me a big, long hug and said, "Thank you". One of them said with tears in her eyes, "I came to learn about my kids and how to parent them and I learned more about myself. Thank you, Ronit!"

The mother who had joined that morning was a gorgeous woman who looked like a model. During the session on communication styles, she discovered she was kinesthetic and was very happy when I said kinesthetic people needed to go with to their instincts more. She gave me a big hug and said, "I got up this morning with the feeling I had to come today. Something inside told me that I had to be here. I am so glad I listened to that feeling".

Another one said, "It's funny. When you said in the morning that by the end of the day we would leave the room different people, I didn't believe it was possible, but it sure was a life changing experience. I always thought it takes a long time to change, but it's not true. Thanks for proving to me I can change". She then went to the principal and said, "Thank you Cherie for thinking of me".

For about half an hour, we said goodbye. I was emotional too. I thanked each of them for coming. "You don't need to thank us. We need to thank you", said the blind grandmother.

"Oh, I need to thank you for your honesty, for your willingness to share, for dedicating your day to being here and for learning to be good, happy parents", I replied.

4:00pm

I packed my things and put everything in my box. I was a bit tired. I could not stop thinking of those women's misfortunes. It made my good fortune seem even better. Cherie helped me clear the tables from all the toys and markers.

"Sorry I didn't have time to warn you", she said while picking up pieces of paper from the floor.

"Oh, they did a very good job introducing themselves", I said, packing my laptop.

"They got a lot from you today", she said. I think she was trying to encourage me.

That morning, I told the parents that every interaction we have has the potential to change us and what matters most is what we choose to get from each other. I think I had talked to myself too.

I smiled at Cherie and said, "It's nothing compared to what I got from them".

Have a happy, grateful day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times