I have a friend who goes on a men's camp every year. When his boys were young, he went by himself and felt very supported there. As soon as his boys turned 13 and were allowed to go with him, away they went together and spent a great time bonding - singing, dancing, doing physical exercise and watching performances. He has been nagging me to come with him on that camp for a few years now, saying there is something special about the freedom and "safe space" it provides.

So far, I have not gone.

In the past few months, Ronit worked with several boys whose father had died or spent a lot of time away from home. Whenever we talked about them, I kept having the feeling that although they were young (5 to 8 years old), they felt like little men. I felt they saw themselves as somewhat responsible for the wellbeing of their family and had to fill the very large shoes of their absent father.

That was not enough either.

But this week, Ronit said to me, "You should write a bit about the role of fathers in particular. If I write it, it will be like a lecture, but if you write it, it will be real". And then, out of the blue, I got a newsletter from Fathering Adventures, letting me know they now offer adventures not only to fathers and sons, but also to dads and daughters.

So I thought, "OK, that's it. I'd better write something on this topic".

Now, I am not a stereotypical man. I am not competitive, I never pick a fight, I do not drink, I do not swear, I love to cook, I work at home and do many homey things, like driving the kids to school, helping with homework, reading bedtime stories and so on. The main manly quality I have is the need to protect my family all the time and everywhere.

But I used to work long hours away from home and provide the main income, I used to be short-tempered when I was home and I used to be completely out of touch with what my family was going through. Even on weekends, it would take me until late on Saturday to get work out of my head so I can relax and participate.

When Eden was little, I was a very dogmatic and clueless father. Ronit was great (she was a very natural mother), so she took care of Eden, thinking it would be OK, because Eden needed a female role model anyway. In fact, Eden needed my company. In the evenings, when I told her it was time to shower and go to bed, she would refuse and we would have a big struggle, which ended in her agreeing to have a (long) bath instead of a (short) shower and me sitting beside her and listening to her tell me about her day.

Later on, I learned that fathers provide a very important role model to their daughters - that of a potential partner. In fact, the best way to ensure your daughter chooses a decent fellow for a husband and a decent father for her children is to be a decent husband yourself and a decent father to your children.

One of Eden's favorite things was to walk hand-in-hand with me. She would hold my hand and look proud, which made me feel great. She is 23 now (her birthday is tomorrow) and still does that.

I thought that was a natural thing many fathers did, until I heard a story from a friend of ours who is a great father about his 16-year-old daughter. He said, "She and I were walking along the beach and she reached out and held my hand. I realized it made me uncomfortable. I was thinking about what others might think about me walking around with a beautiful young girl. I wondered about the psychological stage she was in and whether holding my hand meant something, um, you know. Then she looked up at me and said, 'Dad, I love walking hand-in-hand with you like we did when I was little. I hope we never stop'. It hit me that as far as she was concerned, I would always be her father, no matter how old she was or how old I was, and that I made her feel safe and loved by holding her hand".

Are you having a soft moment?

When Tsoof was about 3 years old, he discovered soccer. After that, he wanted to play soccer all the time. Between the ages of 3 and 5, a time of endless energy, as soon as I walked in the door in the evening, stressed and hungry, the only thing I could do was play soccer with him. Ronit and Eden took care of dinner and I took care of Tsoof.

This was what you might consider a typical father and son relationship, involving sport, but Tsoof also started playing hand drums at that tender age and being the musical parent (I am auditory and Ronit is not), I also played with him, took him to classes and supported his musical development.

Noff is a lot more like Ronit, but I stayed home with her for a few months when she was a year old and I get to spend the most time with her more than I ever did with her older siblings while working corporate jobs. She is the most independent of our children and that is something I encourage her to be. You can find several posts in this blog about how she inspires me.

I believe that one of the biggest challenges fathers have in modern Western society is that, being the main breadwinners, they engage with their kids at the worst possible times, when they are at their wits' end, just wanting to sit down and shut everything out for while. In this state, the last thing they want to do is care for someone else.

I believe that if you ask any father, he will tell you he wishes he could show his children who he really is. That notion of "who I really am" means that every father acknowledges the effect of his circumstances on his relationship with his kids and feels in his guts that under different circumstances, he could have a great time with his kids and get a lot closer to them.

One idea is to go away with your kids to a place where circumstances are vastly different from your everyday life, where you and your children will go through something meaningful and special and where you will be able to pay close attention to one another for a few days in a row.

The video below is a bit overly dramatic for my liking, but every word spoken in it is gold, especially in the testimonials. The adventure packages include accommodations, food, kayaking, hiking, snorkeling and group coaching. There are weekend and 5-day adventures and there are adventures for "father and son" or "dad and daughter".

[Disclaimer: we get nothing from showing you this, other than the satisfaction of doing something good. While I was watching the video, Ronit jumped up and said, "That's a great idea for <one of her clients> and his son", and then picked up the phone and called him].

If you decide to give Fathering Adventures a try, please come back here and post a comment to let everyone know how it was.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Who’s in Charge?

Gal had to make a lot of efforts to come home in time for dinner. I think it was a constant struggle. Working in IT companies, where working until midnight and not having a life was the norm, keeping his family values was not easy.

You are probably asking yourself by now why I am writing this.

I am writing for all the dads reading this blog and also for all the moms in hope I can make a difference.

Weekend Dad

You see, when dads are not around for so much of their kids' life, they miss something essential. Gal was a great dad - he changed the kids' diapers, fed them when they were babies, bathed them, made dinner from time to time (and he is great at it), stayed with them and took care of all their needs when I was away, but he only had 2.5 hours every evening to be with the kids and weekends. That was it.

Although it was a lot more than many our friends had, it was still not enough. Not for him, not for our kids and not for me. It limited the variety of things he could do with us, because many things had to be done before he came home.

Gal knew what he was missing, because he stayed home with Eden for the first 7 months of her life (we were students and I worked and studied a lot more than him). He knew what he was missing, because when Eden was about 3 years old, he worked from home for a while. He knew also because he had a chance to be with Noff for about 6 months when she was 1 year old.

Not all the kids in the world are fortunate enough to have their dad at home. Having a mom at home is great, but when Dad is away so much, I still think something is missing. We did our best to update Gal with what was happening at school with the kids, but with dinner, clearing the table, shower and bedtime story, his 2.5 hours with them were gone in a flash.

One day, Gal was forced to be at home by a restructuring of the company he worked for. After 6 month of going through the motions of looking for a job, we realized he actually did not want to find one. Staying at home, he saw the kids growing so fast without him and made the choice to be a work-at-home dad.

If you are a work-at-home mom (WAHM) or dad (WHAD), you know it is not as easy as it looks. It was easier for me to make the choice to work from home, because I most of my working years I worked around the kids' school hours, but for Gal it was tough.

It was like getting to know us all over again. The mornings were strange, because he had been out of the house by 7am and never had breakfast with us. Even dropping the kids off and picking them up from school was weird at first. Also, when you work for other people, you know what you are going to do when get to work every day, but when you work for yourself, you need to come up with your own timetable.

Opportunities

For a while, Gal struggled (we all did, because we had to get to know him too), but then he realized what a good thing that was. Here is a list of the many opportunities that came out of the choice to work at home:

1. He had the opportunity to have breakfast with us. Meals were always very important in our family. We always eat together and do our best not to schedule anything around dinner time. Saturday and Sunday mornings had been special, but now every day became like a Saturday or Sunday morning.
2. He had the opportunity to have a calm morning. Before he became a work-at-home dad, our kids would crawl into our bed and have some time together for giggling and laughing only on Saturday and Sunday mornings. After the change, we had them in our bed nearly every morning.
3. He had the opportunity to help the kids get ready to school. Yes, it is true that kids should learn to prepare themselves for school (our daughter Noff made herself sandwiches from the age of 4), but when Gal was home, his help gave everyone more time for breakfast together and the mornings were more relaxed.
4. He had the opportunity to take the kids to school. Driving the kids to school is a great bonding time. We usually talk to them about what they are going to do during the day and help set themselves up to have a great day. When Gal started driving the kids, I also became more flexible with my clients and could coach them early in the morning.
5. He had the opportunity to go with the kids to school and to meet their friends and their teachers. Working dads are usually unaware of everything that goes on in their kids' class. Some working dads come to parent-teacher nights, but most of participants are still moms. Usually to know the kids' friends, we had to wait for a school event on the weekend to allow Gal to get to know the kids' friends, but that was no longer a problem.
6. He had the opportunity to learn how much it cost to buy bread, milk or meat and where to buy them.
7. He had the opportunity to be more aware of our financials. Gal had always been very involved, but he had worked so much I had been paying the bills and managing our accounts. After he became a work-at-home dad, he became the person taking care of finances and payments. I have to say that sharing this was much easier than doing it on my own.
8. He had the opportunity to be involved in the shopping and influence what we buy and what we eat. Gal has been following Dr. Hay's "Food Combining Diet" for over 20 years and, while I agreed with him on things I buy, when he started going to the supermarket, our house filled with more of the foods he liked, which I think was fair.
9. He had the opportunity to help the kids with their school work. For most of the years, I had done a very good job helping the kids with their homework and teaching them everything I thought they needed to know. It was easy for me, being a teacher, but when it came to biology, physics, chemistry and logic, Gal was so much more helpful (he has a degree in Biology and Computer Science).
10. He had the opportunity to know what they know.
11. He had the opportunity to hear about all the little things that happened to the kids at school they would have forgotten by the weekend and even by dinner time. Suddenly, he could attend school assemblies when our kids got awards and when they performed (and our kids do a lot of both).
12. He had the opportunity to cook dinner and be a role model. He has always been a better cook than me (and I mean "more creative"). When he came home at 5:30, dinner was usually almost ready and we would eat shortly after he arrived. Staying at home allowed him to cook more and I think that is very important for kids, especially boys, as a role model.
13. He had the opportunity to clean, not than just on the weekends or after the kids are in bed and cannot see, and to be a role model. Cleaning had always been mostly my job, but when Gal started working at home, he noticed that keeping a house clean took lots of time and effort that he could share with us (before it was unfair to ask him, because he worked so hard outside).
14. He had the opportunity to share hobbies with the kids. A short time after the change, our son started playing basketball and Gal volunteered to coach his basketball team. He did that for two years and it was one of the best bonding time with our son.

As you can see from this list of opportunities, I benefited a lot as a mother and as a partner and there were others I have not listed (this blog is rated G).

For years, I had not even considered this option. You know, most families follow this formula - dad works long hours and mom works part time (or not) to accommodate the kids' schedule - and we were just the same. But as we discovered later, it did not have to be like that. Dads do not have to be "2.5-hours-a-day dads". Their relationships with their kids can develop by spending more time with them, sharing life with them and being involved in their life.

2.5-hours-a-day dad

I am not suggesting that every dad start working at home. That also has its ups and downs, pluses and minuses. For Gal, it was not just working from home but working with me, which probably made things a bit more complicated (while it still has its advantages…).

I am suggesting that dads and moms consider the role dads have in their kids' development. As a Success for Boys consultant, I can tell you for sure that dads who work away from home see their kids 2.5 hours a day (best case) and their absence is directly responsible for raising kids with troubles that require intervention later on. In our friends' family (wonderful, highly educated, good jobs, great money and good social status), the dad used to spend only 1 hour with the kids every day and all their 3 kids have emotional difficulties. There is nothing special about them - they are the typical family now, which is sad in my opinion.

Your kids need your attention. They need you around. If they grow up without your presence, it is like shared custody (without the arguments) - Mom is the parent during weekdays (she will just make another plate for you for dinner) and you are a weekend dad.

Weekend dads lose so many of their parenting rights that during a divorce, it is almost guaranteed the mother will raise the kids ("Sorry, no dinner for you. You can see the kids every other weekend"). I am from the side that has the advantage, but as an educator, I find it horrific that courts prefer mothers, unless they have done something horrible, over dads.

If you raise your kids together, you should strive to balance each other and share your parenting, understanding how important both parents are to kids' happy life. If you raise your kids apart, you should still strive to balance each other and share your parenting, understanding how important both parents are to kids' happy life.

So be happy for your kids' sake, be together as much as you can for your kids' sake and dads, consider your role in your kids' life and do your best to extend the your time at home, because family matters.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Work-Life Imbalance
• Parents Doing Business
• When Good Parenting is a Luxury

As a female teacher, I feel the need is even greater. When I studied for my teaching diploma, I worked in a project called Creative Thinking. We worked in pairs and one day my partner could not come and I had to ask someone to teach with me in her place. The first time this happened, I took my boyfriend, who was not a teacher. He was scared and said, "But I don't know what to do", and I remember telling him, "Just be there and I'll handle everything". So he came and all the kids went to him and did all they could to get his attention.

The second time my partner was missing, I took a male colleague of mine. This time, I told him "You have to know what to do, because the kids will come to you". I was the experienced teacher on the team, but the men meant a lot to all the kids. This is when I realised that in a society of males and females we need both males and females for everything and if one is missing there will be an empty space. I also learnt that if we want to change the gender stereotype in our society, we need to change our perception of gender.

Men will tend not to choose teaching as a profession, not because they do not want to, but because of how everyone else will perceive them. In that sense, they are only making things worse. Catch 22!

If you want to know why men do not study education the answer is in stores like "Toys R Us". Go to any toy store and examine the messages we give our kids (long before they make a choice about career). I have already done this for one of my "Success for Boys" presentations, so here is a quick summary:

• Boys: dark clothes, tough, strong, sport, science, outdoor activities, monsters, robots, anger, taking risks...
• Girls: pink, purple, colourful, beauty matters, caring for babies, housekeeping, cooking, shopping, make up

But do not take my word for it. Go and see for yourself to get your own impression.

Can you imagine the parents' reaction when a boy asks them to buy him a pair of pink pants or a Barbie doll, or when a girl wants a brown shirt and to cut her hair "army style"? When you had your first baby, did you buy your girl pink and purple clothes or blue and green? Did you buy your boy pink and purple or blue and green?

Teenagers are in the worst position. They understand that their desires and wants do not match society's expectations more than younger kids, but it is more important for them to be accepted. Statistics shows that young men choose science more than young women do and women choose nursing more than men do.

Now you tell me, if we teach them (with no negative intentions, of course) that they have to fit into the "Strong men and gentle women" mould, how can we expect young men to choose a profession that is all about caring, like teaching?

But we do need them in our education system, because caring is not a feminine thing and we do not want our kids to think it is. Imagine life where men express themselves and are caring and sensitive without the fear of being perceived "gay", while women work at an auto repair shop without the risk of being perceived "rough" or "lesbian". How would that effect their choices in life? How would that effect their relationships and family life?

But there is a trap...

The solution the system found to bringing more men into schools is by encouraging male teachers to choose teaching positions that are more "masculine". Sports, science, agriculture and maybe, maybe Math. Many people were very happy with this kind of progress and said, "This is a start".

Well, I believe it is a bad start and, in fact, takes us backwards. It only reinforces the stereotype of strong men and gentle women that we want to avoid. What do we teach our kids if the sports teacher (Coach) is always a man? What do we teach them if the cooking teacher is always a woman? (And to think that some of the greatest chefs in the world are men only makes me admire them more).

We desperately need men in the education system, but we need them to change the distorted perception of males and females, not to cement it.

Now, although the education system's purpose is to mould the habits and mindset of society, what happens when the teachers says, "Men can be whatever they want and women can be whatever they want", but when the kids go home, they see dad fixing electrical appliances and mum cleaning. YOU, the parent, are still the most influential agent in your kids' life. Compared to you and your thoughts, beliefs and ideas about gender, the education system stands no chance.

The good news is that at home this task is easier. Mothers, start mowing the lawn and take the rubbish bin out. Fathers, wash the floors and cook. Take turns at everything you can and get your kids from both genders involved in everything.

Change is simple!

Check Out My Book "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers"

You may want to read

• Should I Choose a Single-sex or Mixed School for My Child?
• Happy Parents – The Magic Formula for Happy Kids
• Who’s Afraid of Teens Using Drugs?

Come and visit this site for ideas and inspiration and register to be notified about my new posts.

See you again soon,

Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids are Like Fish
• The Be Happy in LIFE Kids’ Coaching Program
• Teen Birthday Parties – Who Needs Them Anyway?